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Unread 03-11-2017, 11:25 AM   #5251
Sam Bailey
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Hi Andy!

You are an extraordinary fellow, you are. May be the single most interesting character I have ever met---and oh what a pleasure and an honor it has been. Yes, It HAS been...and it continues to be, both a sweet pleasure and an enormous honor.

I hope and pray that you continue to move forward in your life, with increasing good cheer, better-to-excellent good health and the courage of, as you have regularly shown, the courage of a...a...Bengal Tiger!

I also hope, alongside your improved health, a significant reduction in all the damned bureaucracy that plagues all the various government programs. I hope this for you, I hope it for Alexis and I hope it for every Brit crushed by that damned volume of redundant paper that threatens to bury folks alive! Figuratively if not literally.

Fat chance, I know!

Anyway.

That's enough from me...

best to all!

sam
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Unread 03-11-2017, 12:16 PM   #5252
soapdish
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Hello Tryn,

I just wondered if you'd heard of PDSA, they are a veterinary charity that give free vet care to pets and also pet insurance.
www.pdsa.org.uk

It might be of interest for Rolo.
Sorry for butting in!

Have a lovely lovely weekend everyone.

Xxxxx
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Unread 03-11-2017, 06:38 PM   #5253
NancyB
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Hi Little Brother, I hope you and Rolo had a good day painting.

Talking to the education boss does sound like it would be a much better meeting. Go right the top. It kind of sounds like the other people HAD to be at the meeting and were just wanting for it be over and go home or something.

Did you find out anything more about Jake? Hopefully he's ok.

Hugs and skritches,

Big Sis
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Unread 03-11-2017, 09:05 PM   #5254
R. Lee
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Tryn, Hope Jake is OK & Rolo is feeling better. You are going to be OK no matter what. You heard a message & you now live that message. Stay the course.
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Unread 03-11-2017, 09:41 PM   #5255
lostdog
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I hope Jake is ok and little Rolo is sleeping well. Of course, I wish you the best as each day brings a lot of plans and different goals that you want.
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Unread 03-12-2017, 06:13 AM   #5256
Tryntryagain
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Good Sunday morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest U.S.A. M.U.M, my gorgeous Sam, my dearest Soapdish, my wonderful Big Sis Nancy, my dear, dear R Lee and my dearest Lost Dog.....such love, such support, such encouragement. You know?........i sit in my little home, (errr a bit "sixes and sevens" at the moment with the decorating).....not a penny to my name feeling.... without a shadow of a doubt,..... the wealthiest man alive so i do.

"Thank you" is shared so often around this family one could be forgiven for thinking it begins to lose its meaning. For me, each time i say thank you, it means more, and more, and more.

The ole fella is a tired old chap now. We have been together for 10 months now. In my heart i believe the ole fella wanted to show me, his new partner....."his best side". He wanted to show me he was strong, fit and healthy.......he wanted to show me he was still young.

Alas....he is not.

It as if this week he felt he could not "keep the ole charade" up anymore. He has admitted to himself, and in turn to me, that he isn't the dog he once was.

This morning i took some treats out with me. We plodded rather than meandered to a spot under a tree that Spring is beginning to caress. I lay out my raincoat and we sat down together to have natter and chomp some treats.

I told him that is was soooo ok to be getting on. I told him it is a time of life where beauty, wisdom and peace come together as one....at last. I told him that i would live my days with him now around him and his needs. I will provide the best health care there is and i will research with all i am worth to make your life gentle and free of pain.

We finished, i was sure of him, him of me, he had heard me.

The sight of the pair of us trying to get up must have looked particularly pathetic, yet we both knew what we were doing. He gets up before me.....i get up in "3 stages".......once he's up.....he comes to me and leans his body on me for me to use for a "pull up".

So we plodded in the direction of home, and it "hit me like a house brick".........i had EXACTLY the same conversation with the Great Man on his journey. Then i knew...i knew in my heart that Larry knew he went to soon. Nobody in my life knew me better than the Great Man, and so he knew that i would not survive if i did not have someone to "love and care for".

Simple put......the Great Man lined me and Rolo up from the heart of eternity, i could easily have been walking home with the Great Man this morning. (Ooohhh do excuse me. I'm flapping my hands in front of my face as if that stops tears from falling).
The ole fella is now fast asleep on "my part of the bed".....i will see him right my dear brothers and sisters, i will see him right.

Now the redecorating is...ummmm...errrr.....a bit of a bigger challenge than i anticipated. Seriously it never dawned on me there is only 1 of me!

The one single reason i managed to find sobriety a day at a time........is i became patient. (For me).......i have learnt to take "10 seconds out".....when i do, those 10 seconds invariably become minutes......time to think and take stock.....then move on. I no longer think about the "results"....i just try to concentrate on what i am doing in the here and now. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.....The more my sobriety grows, the more often it works.

Jakey boy is safe. I should not imagine he's terribly happy at the moment as he is being moved, yet as i said to him, (which he is probably sick of hearing)......

"Well Son.......if you hadn't............etc, etc, etc........this wouldn't be happening would it??" He told me to "change the record" and i told him that when he has got "this tune.....it will be time for a new record!" He laughed........i wonder if he will ever know how much hearing him laugh means to me? It means he is "still with us". He felt let down as i was going to see him with his brother a while back, yet his brother backed out of seeing him. I TOTALLY get it and simply feel Ant needs more time. I respect that and ordered Jake to do the same.

My dear R Lee and my dear Saint taught me to make my own decisions, take my own choices and accept the consequences. Historically, that has been impossible for me. It is why i understand Jakey boy, i know how he feels, and once he knows that i am always here for him which he does, there are some things we just have to work out for ourselves with as much....or as little guidance as we allow. I have chosen to fling all my doors open. I knew to stay alive and grow i needed all the guidance i could get. When i took that on board, i became the Captain of my ship.

The big hand on clock has just tripped up past the hour to make it 10.03am in my dear ole Blighty. My aim for today is to get the kitchen finished, and love up the most precious and loving ball of fluff you ever did see.

Have a wonderful day my beautys.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 03-12-2017, 08:37 AM   #5257
NancyB
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Hi Little Brother, I'm happy to hear that Rolo is ok. Just getting old like we all are. And I'm happy that Jake is safe and unharmed.

I hope you and Rolo have a wonderful Sunday.

Big hugs and skritches,

Big Sis
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Unread 03-12-2017, 10:53 AM   #5258
R. Lee
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Tryn, So glad to hear that Jake is safe & that Rolo is feeling a bit better. Have a great day.
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Unread 03-12-2017, 10:59 AM   #5259
Alexis
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Hi Tryn, wow so sorry to hear Rolo has had a bad turn hoping he has improved and feels better. I hope you are alright too.

Yes i take Jackson and Socks to the PDSA, you just need to be on housing benefit to get good free vet care. Think i have mentioned it to you before?

Anyway. Hows the decorating going? Do you have some music on as you work?

Love you xx
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Unread 03-14-2017, 08:37 AM   #5260
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Lots of kind wonderful things will happen to you. This is what I want for you both.
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Unread 03-15-2017, 05:51 AM   #5261
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My wonderful Big Sis Nancy, my dear, dear R Lee, my dearest Alexis, and my dearest Lost Dog, thank you for loving Rolo too.

I am realising that the ole fella is in the same place that the Great Man once was.......his days are numbered, and although i recognise that is the same for all, there comes a twilight, no matter the being, they realise their walk will now have an end. To be able to see the gracious beauty of 2 dear ole fellas "wrapping things up".....for me to have walked sisde by side with them whilst they do so, an honour making all my life worthwhile. I have to say, i am actively hoping there will be someone there to walk me to the gates.

I have sat back and read over the last couple of days. Our dearest Alexis reaching out in a way she does not recognise, yet one day will, i am so proud of her. I find it soulfully amusing that my background and our dear Alexis background could not be more different, however our love of family.....exactly the same. I have often said there are many similarity's between me and our Alexis.......they don't have to be "bad" ones.

And the decorating has gone famously. I have learnt that i am not terribly good at it, yet i love doing it so i do. The ole fella a bit disconcerted with everything being moved about, yet going about my business in the way i do puts him at ease.

Yes Alexis, indeed i do listen to music on my way. It is a cross between "The Planets"......"Talking heads"........and the main walls.....Jimi Hendrix. The glossing is "The Grateful Dead", the wall papering Ry Cooder and Joni Mitchel, and the doors.......welp....the Doors! The bathroom "The Kinks"...........and it has to be "The Sex Pistols" for the bedroom......(well......i am a blokey!).

The biggest gift i was ever given that has been abusively underused, was the gift of music. I do not know why, yet if i "like something"....if there is a musical instrument to hand, i can instantly come up with a pretty good rendition of it. There had to be a reason why my ears are existentially far too big for my head, i do believe that is it. (Hey.....that works for me)

It is 9.37am in my dear ole Blighty, i have a meeting at the Church at 11am which is a quite splendid building.....adorned with huge stained glass windows, the "cathedral" like atmosphere certainly belongs to it.

I have such a passion to create this peer to peer support stuff in my local community and i have been talking to alot of diverse folk to achieve that. There is no point saying you wish to reach out to those who would otherwise be unreachable without going to every sector, every dynamic of your community. And so it is my turn with the local vicar bless him. He has caught wind of my idea and is so very enthusiastic.

I am not daft and i know, whatever my own personal beliefs, that the Church belongs to an awful lot of folk. Those folk can be as isolated and lonely as me. Peer to peer is about going on journeys of solutions, the more......the merrier. Diversity, for me.....drives forward peer to peer.

Imagine you grew up on a roof........you would have no experience of building foundations. Imagine you grew up with foundations....you would have no idea how to build a roof.

So i am so looking forward to meeting up with him, (i shall have a keen eye on the organ and wheedling a way out of giving it a go!) i seriously do not think i could go to a better place to assimilate what the needs are in my local community.

I have done the DWP, i have done the Adult Education lot, i have done the Residents association, i have done the local housing Providers....so there are just 2 left. The vicar....and my nemesis....the NHS.

It will work. I will achieve this. Ok ...it might turn out to be a bottle of milk rather than a loaf of bread....yet it will be "something". I will make sure it is.

Orrfff i go.

Today, is a grand day as not only do i have all the usual suspects with me.....I Am Trying and Secret Tiger are coming along too.

It doesn't get any better.

Have a quite, quite wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 03-15-2017, 09:06 AM   #5262
Alexis
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Hey Tryn, you are so kind to me it makes my heart sing with glee

GREAT music choices, especially Talking Heads, Joni Mitchel, The Doors, and the Sex Pistols

Wish we could see your newly decorated house, i love the smell of drying paint.

Hope the meeting has gone ok? Let us know when you can xx
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Unread 03-15-2017, 01:17 PM   #5263
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Hugs to you and Rolo today, Tryn.
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Unread 03-15-2017, 03:29 PM   #5264
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Have a nice day.
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Unread 03-18-2017, 12:48 PM   #5265
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how are you doing Tryn? hope you are doing well today.
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Unread 03-18-2017, 03:41 PM   #5266
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Hey Tryn, let us know how your weekend is going? Have you finished decorating now? Love you and Rolo lots xx
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Unread 03-19-2017, 06:29 AM   #5267
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, My dearest Millie and my dearest Lost Dog, thank you.

Dear Alexis the decorating has had to come to stop for a day or two as my ability to ignore that i am not in great shape can at times be overtaken by reality. I think perhaps i pushed myself a little bit too hard over the last few days and i am sure paying the price. My breathing is quite appalling at the moment. Last night i was simply incapacitated with it. I could do little else than sit up on my bed.....and wait.

I get very nauseous these days what with the state of play and the countless meds and i have to say if i feel like i do today tomorrow, i will have to get some medical help. New things are beginning to happen like...ok.....so the ole fella and i.....just mooching a long at crawling place and instantaneously both my arms from my shoulders down my biceps, and the muscle in the arms, become "unusable". Just.....like.....that. There's a sudden deep, deep ache in my arms like "toothache". I go to "hug each arm" to give it a rub, and i can't move them. They just hang down, throbbing. It is also happening, not as much in my legs. The arm thing lasts for about 30 seconds, and then just aches for an hour or 2. When i got up at 5.45am my whole body felt like it.

I have my theory.

7/8 years ago the same thing happened in my legs, so badly i really could not walk. Went to the Docs, had a cholesterol check, got called back in and had a chat.

I was in a rehab at the time so was taken by carers and got quite the shock so i did.

The Dr invited me in and in his hand he had a book.

"I want to show you something Tryn"

He put the book on the side of his desk so we could both see it, on 1 page writing, on the other a graph.

"Now Tryn, this is a graph of cholesterol levels in the human body. Here, (he pointed to a dot on the graph) is roughly where we would expect a healthy chap to be. (Between 5-6)"

"Are you watching?........watch my pen"

He carried on up the graph.....off the book.....carried going up to about 2 inches off his desks and said....

"You are about here. You're off the graph mate" (12.9)

He congratulated me on my efforts to get sober and being in residential rehab and said....

"Never mind your drinking, if you don't stop smoking you'll hit the deck almost anytime soon. "

So my journey with statins began after being told i would feel like a "new man" yet if i did not stop smoking, "their magic does not last for ever".

I started smoking preteen, by 13 i was smoking bongs, chillums....never stopped for decades. As you know i have only recently stopped smoking, a drop in the ocean to be fair.

I learnt that my artery's are all blocked up, so my heart has to work much harder to push the blood round my body....and these increasing "toothaches" in my body is the blood not getting through to my muscles. I know there is an option of a procedure where they put a long thing in your veins push it through open a little "umbrella" device and pull it back through to "clean the thing out"......something like that. Alas yet again, the dreadful relationship i have with the NHS means i am not being offered that. (My downstairs issues i discussed with a GP at my surgery not 4 weeks ago and was told if i wanted to sort things out, i would have to write to them myself. Not terribly supportive one might say) It is what it is.

I was unequivocally warned.....didn't listen......=.......<<<<<< consequence. It is hard sometimes, especially missing the Great Man so much, to keep dragging this bag of bones around everyday as if there was nothing wrong. I am utterly, utterly exhausted.

Leg, arms, teeth/gums, lungs, heart, elbow/shoulder/ribs/fingers.....all of them need intervention. None is going to be forthcoming.

This family is about strengths and vulnerabilities in my heart. I feel the magic of the family finding out which one is which. Often we are surprised.

I learnt the more i threw punches, the louder i shouted, the weaker i became. The parts of me that have always "kept quiet"....my vulnerable side.....actually...contains the most strength.

As i write this, i can barely do so. Each full stop...a moment for breaths. Fear of it becoming ultimately overwhelming definitely a contender for my thoughts.

I am not frightened. When we have those times in our lives where we are "all cried out".....so you can be all "feared out". There really does come a time when there is nothing left to fear. I say not fear, i dont want to end up in a corridor on a gurney in the hospital because they haven't got any beds or Drs, .....on my own. THAT, is what i can't do.

So long as i am free to walk in any direction i want, i walk my journey alone admirably. When i can no longer fend for myself, i get scared i am on my own.

I have much to do. Over the last few months i've been beavering away sticking my nose into other folks business and trying to help. I'm gettin somewhere. In May i have been invited to an all expensive paid trip to a posh hotel for 2 nights on a community engagement course paid for by a housing provider. How exciting! You know the stuff i'm up to, yet as things stand, i can barely knock a letter together. My heart is raring to go, my body is having ever so much trouble following.

So plan of action.

99% sure i will ring the Drs tomorrow, it doesn't guarantee actually seeing one, and A+E....is the resort just after....the last resort. I know how to take care of me today, what to do, what to eat. How to keep my mind positive and strong. I will look ahead at my little planner and make sure i now start pre-preparing for stuff to get myself in a place when i can be in these places and actually do my thing instead of gasping for ****ing breath.

The dear ole fella had his groom.....looks stunningly gorgeous and smells like he's robbed a perfume store. The folk that did it were so, so very sweet. They told me what a good lad he was and that they all fell in love with him bless'im. I know...i know....."they would say that wouldn't they".....Nah.....they meant it. I know so because when i got him back i rang them to say thank you, and actually got to speak to the lady that groomed him. We nattered for ages about his history etc, and they said for his age, the ole fella was in good shape. Always nice to have a second opinion.

He is so very good with me when at times i'm a bit poorly. He is so gentle. I sit up on the bed and with a handsome effort he will heave his sizeable frame up onto the bed, sit right infront of me, put his ears back and offers me his paw. I take it and he snuggles down by my side....lays his head on his paws.....and gives a great big siiigghhh, as if he is trying to give me breath. How i love the dear ole soul.

10am in my dear ole Blighty, this morning was almost....almost impossible to take him out in the wind. We did....we made it together!

I am not unhappy, i do not think "poor me", quite the opposite. There is just this 1 ****ing nugget in my head i just can't get rid off.

"Wish i had listened."

I am going to have a grand Sunday, the Great Mans day. The ole fella is in rude health, some piano, (a musical instrument is a natural pain reliever), and some rest. All will be tickety-Boo.

Have a wonderful, wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 03-19-2017, 07:01 AM   #5268
NancyB
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My dear Little Brother, I'd like to add my 1% worth right here: "99% sure i will ring the Drs tomorrow". Please make that 100%.

Enjoy your Sunday with Rolo!

Many hugs and skritches,

Big Sis
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Unread 03-19-2017, 09:25 AM   #5269
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Yes please call the doctors or go to A&E, they may be able to help Tryn. I hate to see you struggling but you have so much strength in your heart which is so good to see.

Enjoy the piano, and Rolo on your special day. Thinking of you, Rolo and your great man xxx
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Unread 03-19-2017, 09:55 AM   #5270
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Well, Tryn, I'll get my wishing good thoughts, it was St. Patrick's day and that always helps to give you Good Luck, Health, and Happiness to you and little Rolo. OH the LUCK of the Irish, one of my favorite days of the year!
The primary will be health as you need that desperately now, so I know you will get better soon. Google what foods not to eat with meds and what to eat with each one and read the literature they gave you on side effects and adverse reactions. Tell that Dr. all you know. You're your own advocate and Dr. time is short time as we all know. Just my opinion not medical advice.....
My biggest kind thoughts and hugs to you and Rolo.
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Unread 03-19-2017, 10:55 AM   #5271
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Have a great Sunday & call to make an appointment with the doctor.
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Unread 03-20-2017, 02:19 PM   #5272
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My wonderful Big Sis Nancy, my dearest Alexis, my dearest Lost Dog and my dear, dear R Lee.

I feel better today. I did not ring the Dr.

My dearest Alexis, how i can see me in you. I know EXACTLY where you are inside yourself. You know your Tryn........now wait for some long, long story that "who knows what he is talking about?".....until i get to the point.......

Where you are you do not need to be. Don't be.

For a young woman, shit no....a kid, there is far, far more about you than you know. Give yourself a chance to have a look. How that works for you, what that looks like...do. You know we are here to guide you along the way.

My dearest Lost Dog, (or how i describe you to dear Milan, a gift that keeps giving), thank you.

Ahhh the luck of the Irish indeed. I wish. I am half Italian, and half Scottish. I am the "Italiascot" that moved over after WW2. Oh.....i was born in Leamington Spa.....that makes me English eh? If you really want to talk about nationality......i am half addict and half nutter.

It's in the genes.

There are more times than you will know you are with me.

My dear, dear R Lee, thank you for your expansive and most interesting contribution. (Lazy ole fart).......

You know what you do?......

You make people think. Of course we are not allowed to know what you think, you..... yessiree.......the reason i am able to write to you tonight is because you made me think. You are the reason, (along with brother saint, Carly and Jenm) i am alive now is because at my rock bottom, i heard you.

Now far from me to words into your mouth my dear, dear R Lee, yet what i heard over these years was this.......

One ship drives east and another drives west
With the same self winds that blow;
'Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales
That tell them the way to go.

Like the winds of the sea are the winds of fate
As we voyage along through life
'Tis the set of the soul
That decides its goal
And not the calm or the strife.

NOW....you know what i mean.

There is sadness among my family. I don't like it.

ALL OF YOU......focus.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 03-20-2017, 02:24 PM   #5273
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Hey Tryn. Sending you lots of love, peace and hope I listen to you, i truly do. xx
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Unread 03-21-2017, 07:02 AM   #5274
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis,...... dear, dear Alexis, for me listening is like a brick.

Each person i listen to is a brick.

Each brick helps me build my little home called me. The more i listen, the more bricks i have. The bigger me i can build. Empowering myself, and to others. Empowerment can sound ever so grand, yet in reality, it is the tiny things of life.

For example, i have lived in my little home for 4 odd years now. As you know i am out with the ole fella, and over the years been out and about. When the great man was dying, i was rarely, if ever here.

Do you know what?

I have never, ever locked my front door when i have gone out. Only a fortnight ago did i share this to anothers horror.

"What?.....Are you ****ing serious?.....you never lock your door when you go out??"

"Err no. Never really thought about it"

It made me suddenly realise how bonkers that was and i wondered why i didn't.

Well, I've never had my own front door. I didn't know you locked them. Well now i think of it, of course you do.

Empowerment....right there with the turn of a key.

With my negotiator hat on, listening is about hearing. You need do no more than that. With that relaxed state of mind, what is "important"... in what you hear will flourish quickly within you... and turn into personal understanding and intent.

Do you know those tuning tools for musical instruments, metal thingys, like a water "dousing" shape.....and you "ping it" against something and it gives back a very pure and fine pitch?

That is what listening is.

Pure.

It is a perfect spring day in my dear ole Blighty. My breathing improved since i stopped the painting, and at 6am, the ole fella found his straps, and went further than normal today.

The sunrise had a cheeky grin, as if it knew it was fooling us. At 6am, i needed to shield my eyes from the rising sun, at 6.05am in the torrential rain. By the time i had put my rain-hood up, it was time to take it off. Isn't Spring naughty?

I had my session with dear Milan this morning. Got the time wrong it was 8.30am. Anyhew, i really do not have the words as to how i feel about him.....and what he does for me. He is a beautiful, beautiful human being.

We talked about the journey to oneself. What that looks like, what that means to me right now. Where i am with that journey, and what would empower me, what changes in myself can i continue to make to continue to grow.

When i write, (The Dogs in the Park etc), great. He is urging me to write my own journey. He believes if i write as i speak, "others need to know, others would want to know". He shared that when i re-tell an experience....say it was very cold, i did so in a way that made him actually, physically feel cold too.

I told him that i communicated to you all that i now believe my strengths lie gently in my vulnerabilities, and he shed a tear. He told me that it is the voice he hears, and believes that is the voice that i will write with.

He is extremely worried about my health, as he see's me each week, he see's my face. I am without doubt, a bag of bones. (Oxygen up yer nose is not a good look) However, sobriety has given me back my soul, my spirit and my heart. Today is today, i have plans so i do. The ole fella feeling my positives vibes and choosing to sleep on my foot rather than bed this morning.

I feel the family needs a great big smile this morning.

Sope..........

"Come on ole fella.....up you get.....time for a pic....."

Ooopp....whadyahibberdeejib.......and.....right... ...

I am down on my good knee.....the ole fella standing next to me to attention, ears up, a bit like a ("cop handler and his/her dog pic").......

"Ready ole fella?.........1......2.......3........CHEEEEEEEEE SSSSSSEEEEEE".....

I hope that makes you all smile.

If not, maybe love can do so.

Just put into your heads right now.......

The 2 Dalmatians eating spaghetti out of 101.

Awwwwee.

See?....changed yer day!

Have a wonderful Spring day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 03-21-2017, 07:55 AM   #5275
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Hey Tryn, i have 6 minutes left to say Good Morning!!!

What a wonderful letter and yes, i agree with Milan about writing your experiences. You write so so well.

You made me smile with the photo of you and Rolo!! Ill send one back of me and Jackson!

*CHEEEESEEE*

xxx
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Unread 03-21-2017, 02:25 PM   #5276
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I am glad you got to talk with Milan.

Hugs and love to you and Rolo.
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Unread 03-22-2017, 01:07 PM   #5277
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How are you today Tryn? Horrible weather in Manchester but nice in Bristol i see from the weather?

Terrible news coming from London where another terrorist attack has happened scary. I have lots of friends down there but all ok thank god.

Love to you and Rolo xx
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Unread 03-22-2017, 02:48 PM   #5278
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis and my dearest Millie, thank you for your love and thoughts, mine, always yours.

You all know how i grew up in London, and as you know as i write my beloved dear ole Blighty is getting it. Some ****ing fruitloop.......

This is something i think is worth saying.

Because it is on my doorstep, i should feel "more" frightened....more shocked.

A suicide bomber in Syria, a Paris attack, again and again, today the anniversary of the Brussels attack....AND the countless terrorist attacks all over our globe that in the west, we never hear about.

It makes no difference to me if your innocent life is taken from you, next door, or on the other side of the world. My tears that fall are exactly the same.

It is almost worse....for me.....if it DOES happen in another Country, as then, as the dear ole Blightonian, there is little we can do. On our home turf, we can help each other. We can "do" something. We can comfort each other.

1 of our Rozzers has gone, right outside "The Mother of all Parliaments" protecting it.

1 day....1 day, his family will be so incredibly proud of that. I know i am.

Hate will continue. It will get far, far worse.

Love will continue. It will get far, far stronger.

If you want my opinion.....<<<Moi arrogant?

......I know which one's always going to win. It doesn't mean hatred will ever go away. It is just wasting it's time.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 03-23-2017, 05:46 AM   #5279
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Hey Tryn, how are you today? Apparently 6 houses have been raided and 7 people arrested after the terrorist attack yesterday. Lets hope thats the end of it.

Hoping you and Rolo have a lovely day and your breathing is alright xx
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Unread 03-24-2017, 10:00 PM   #5280
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I'm sorry about the terror attacks, I heard on the news. I'm glad you are ok, I feel the sadness here like you do. I hope you and Rolo are doing well. Each day you are on the mend, so keep going and writing and living your life. It's what you need to do each day. Just continue and you will be fine. Seeing each day you write, shows your growth and peace in your heart.
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Unread 03-25-2017, 11:19 AM   #5281
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How are you Tryn? xx
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Unread 03-25-2017, 01:17 PM   #5282
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Love the brick metaphor Tryn.
Thanks for that
Have a nice weekend
Xxxx
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Unread 03-26-2017, 09:05 AM   #5283
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Just checked the weather and its a glorious day for you Tryn! 16 degrees at 4 pm!! wow.

Its lovely here too.

Hope you are enjoying your special Sunday. I am thinking of you, Rolo and your great man xxx
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Unread 03-28-2017, 02:18 PM   #5284
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I'm worried about Tryn...
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Unread 03-28-2017, 02:27 PM   #5285
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Me too Millie, hate it when he cant write to us. Maybe just busy with meetings? x
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Unread 03-29-2017, 06:18 AM   #5286
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Awww, thank you for your concerns.

I have to say it is a struggle healthwise at the moment. I have a WCA assessment this afternoon in the city for the DWP benefits i get and as i have been pretty poorly in the last few days, i'm really concerned of actually making it there and back.

I know what is in your heads, so forget that.

No it is not possible to ring them up and say i am "not well". The money i get will be stopped until i am well enough again to be assessed. I asked for a home assessment which was denied. I have to get there, end of.

Anyhew, yup i think the decorating almost saw me off to be honest. It does look nice though. I haven't been able to get my breathing back to where it was before the decorating, however i am taking on board the stress of this damn assessment, and expect when i make it back tonight, to physically feel relief.

I knew a couple of weeks ago, for me anyway, there was a sadness i could sense coming from my wonderful brothers and sisters. I do not know what is causing it, yet we must remember what we are about.

The more life trys to overwhelm me and "swallow me up", i resist. Young...my fists and how fast i could run. Then my fists and my head. Then my head. Then my head and my heart.

Now, my heart.

I have met quite a few truly scary fellows in my time. The sort that the name makes yer knees knock together, and then you are "called to go and see them".

I do not know how it happens within alcoholics, yet for all this family individually have witnessed and gone through...i mean....think about all the brothers and sisters here and their journeys....and the thing we are frightened of, after IT ALL?.......is ourselves.

How ****ed up is that?

If we can believe so lovingly and so sincerely for each other, the question begs why do we struggle so to find that within ourselves.

And so, i have an hour now to get my act together. Take the ole fella for a little wander before i go. Bless 'im. The "going rate" with someone who is being assessed is to "ham up", make the most of what is wrong with me. I always advise to describe what happens on your worst day.

This is totally an individual journey for me. It is about believing ALWAYS, my sobriety comes first. I could turn up this afternoon bolloksed.....kick off....get thrown out....Bobs yer uncle. If i did that, firstly i would not ever make it home again, and secondly, why?

I am going to make sure i am in my sunday best so i can represent myself truthfully and can communicate therefore the issues i have. When i get on the bus home, it is more important that i have represented myself and i am sober than it is to "get the money".

For me i think if i am up front and honest, share where i am at, what i am trying to achieve. The support i pay for and access and what i am trying to achieve, i hope, they will support me and recognise i still need to receive the benefits i am currently getting.

These days i go with my heart, not my brain. We shall see.

I would rather deal with me sober and wretchedly poor, than drinking for extra money.

I know they know an awful, awful lot about me. I have had loads of these over the years.

So they are expecting a drunken, angry fruitloop to come piling in. Trust me, you would not believe it. They have already cancelled once because they did not have the recording equipment, this is the re-scheduled one. What do you think they are looking forward to?

Clean, tidy, sober and me. Ready to share the issues. I will be able to tell instantly if that is not going to happen. I have different tools for that.

Once this is over, i really need to see a Dr.

Funny ole world.

Here we go. Thanks for coming with me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 03-29-2017, 06:37 AM   #5287
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Hi my Little Brother. Yes, we will all be there with you in your heart today. And after this is over, please please make that appointment to see a doctor.

Giant hugs for you and big skritches for Rolo.

Your Big Sis
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Unread 03-29-2017, 06:45 AM   #5288
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Thanks Tryn, a little wander would do us all good. I'm so happy for you, you are content and that is wonderful. I wish the best for your health . I think and pray and wish so much for you each day. Good luck today!
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Unread 03-29-2017, 07:48 AM   #5289
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Good luck today Tryn, im with you holding your hand.

I hope the journey goes ok and you get back home safe, and yes, please call the doctor as soon as you can xx
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Unread 03-29-2017, 07:58 AM   #5290
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Hope everything goes well for you today Tryn.
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Unread 03-29-2017, 10:33 AM   #5291
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im sure its over now? get back safe and let us know when you can xx
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Unread 03-29-2017, 10:47 AM   #5292
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Hey Andy,

I just logged on, just saw your post. I sure hope all went well. I'm betting it did. Ok, maybe I'm leaning a bit more toward "hoping it went well." Probably both.

Anyway.

Your attitude and sense of self, the way you have reclaimed your life, well, it's just wonderful.

Best to you, Tryn'. Old friend of mine.

sam
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Unread 03-29-2017, 02:45 PM   #5293
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Errr.....ummmm.....well....jeeeezzeee....yup....no pe...maybe......for the musicians out there, that was one hell of a sliding/chromatic scale.

**** me.

"Tell me how one day differs from another?"

"Err what do you mean?"

"Well give me 1 day, and then give me another"

(Don't patronise me)

"Ok. Yesterday i thought about washing my windows, now i am thinking about putting someone through them".

"Anyone specific?"

"You're looking more and more attractive"

"Mr Tryn, can we conduct this assessment properly without aggression, or i will have to ask you to leave and be escorted out. I also have to tell you that if that happens your benefits will be effected. Do you understand?"

"Yes"

My assessor was a young American man. Utterly out of his depth when i got going on him, curtailed the assessment without even bothering to do the "real health stuff"....<<<<can't breathe!...

It has to be said i am not a "good look" perse, so it is pretty obvious, guess what?

Got the whole thing on CD!!!. I came home and me and the ole fella cuddled up and heard it all back. My dear Milan can't wait to get his hands on a copy!

It is the funniest 45 minutes you will ever hear. (Retrospectively)

What will be the outcome?

I hope for the one i want, i am prepared for the one that i don't.

The chap...on tape!...finished the assessment by saying....

"you will get a decision within a few weeks and until then.....everything will stay the same"...

(Not a good way of communicating that to Tryn)

I looked at him, more squarely in the eyes than i have done lately to another and said...

"That's easy for you to say. Let's hope so eh?"

A neck label with a pic has a person behind it. That person can be all sorts of things, he was a complete....

I honestly do not know what the outcome will be. Whatever it will be, i will accept with a smile.

I should not be here. I have the most amazing dog on the planet, the biggest and bestest family in da yard, for sure health is becoming bigger than me, just makes my heart bigger.

I have always had myself, for goodness sake.....of course i have!!!....never knew it.

Not once.

Now i do....the assessment?...money?....

"Go on...hit me as hard as you like. I ain't going anywhere".

Strength. Just to be me at last. Whatever. No one can punch me harder than i have punched myself.

If i can crawl...if i can shout, i'm good to go.

Ok...that's the fancy pants stuff done.

Unfortunately i can not ask my sisters to leave. However I wanted to knock that ****er clean out. On my life, he was the "telly" version of a complete ^^^^

Don't get me ****ng started.....

Ohh i'm going to be just fine....yes....i will get my money, i am sure.....yet my God....what happens to those who have no tongue in their head?

Well?

The recording has him reading from a sheet.....i mean. His whole demeanour was so very wrong.

I am lucky i could knock him into tomorrow. Thank goodness i don't.... and catch the ones they knock into tomorrow.

This is the point that anonymity becomes relevant.

I so, so wish you were all coming around tonight. I so wish i had the "right plates for the right food", as much space as my little home could muster, just to fit in all the love you all give.

Ohhh..whose that at the door?....

Of course, our dear Sam always the first to turn up......hello everyone.

I wish i could hug you all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 03-29-2017, 03:14 PM   #5294
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But my Little Brother, you do hug us. Every time you write.

I hope you can feel my hugs back to you.

Your Big Sis
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Unread 03-29-2017, 03:21 PM   #5295
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Yes, hugs right back. To both you and Rolo.
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Unread 03-29-2017, 04:26 PM   #5296
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Big cuddles Tryn, glad you are home. Sorry the man was a twat though.
Love you so much.
xx
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Unread 03-29-2017, 09:41 PM   #5297
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Well I'm glad it's over, you did well. rest and feel better, too. Those wishes and things I send you are working, I just know it...
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Unread 03-30-2017, 04:56 AM   #5298
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My wonderful Big Sis Nancy, what a kind and loving thing to say. It is as important to me that i share the hugs i have with my family as it is for them to feel them. ,y dearest Millie, my dearest Alexis and my dearest Lost Dog, i feel all of your love, prayers, understanding, guidance and encouragement along my way. It is not just the case that it "means" the world, it frankly is a huge part of my world.

I want to share this morning about the power of the subconscious mind....health and well being.

In some respects Tryn is a pretty tough cookie, in others not so. The WCA assessment i had yesterday boils down to organising all my evidence to support why i am unwell,.....so that is, GP, psychotherapist, leg surgeon, heart consultant, my downstairs consultant, mental health team, blood test results, all individual reports. THAT, is a stack load of work to even begin to get together....yet i did. THEN you have to work out a way of communicating to a stranger how this effects you from day to day.

So whether you like it or not, for the preceding couple of weeks, you worry, think, over analyse, come up with increasing "fantastical" scenarios that would, or could never happen, yet somehow you arrive at a place where you do for a moment.

However you dress it up you HAVE to focus on all that is "wrong" and "tell".

So last night, it is over. It will take weeks until i hear what the outcome is, yet the "nasty bit" has gone.

Last night was the worst night with my problems i have ever had. It is 9.30am in my dear ole Blighty, i am listening to "classic FM" on the radio and i have been since 2.45am this morning. I have just rung a fellow as i had a meeting at 10.30am which is simply not feasible. They are going to ring me tomorrow and if i am up to it they will come over to my little home for a natter.

So why now?...all of a sudden it has all come on overwhelmingly? I firmly believe because for the last week or so i have been entirely focusing on what is wrong with me. My coping strategy is always to "take care of business alone, then ignore it and crack on". I turn my focus to other things in my day. The dear ole fella, the meetings, my passions/people, and it seems to work. Yet it is a verrryyyy verryyy fine line.

Because subconsciously my brain has been focused on illness....well hey presto....i feel like ****ing shit. So, so painful. Anyhew as i think i know how this "episode" has come about, i am spending this time entirely on the ole fella and me, looking ahead, focusing on my strengths and re-building my positivity after being put in a place where that could not really be an option as much as i tried.... until i feel better.

It will not take me long. I anticipate today to be the most gentle i have had in a long while. I have lobster tails which is a proper, proper treat for me and to make my brain do as it is told, i shall be taking it back to school.

Ohhhh yes.

When i play the piano i rarely read music, because i don't have to. I can read music so today i thought i would.

I have a cupboard FULL of music scripts i have collected over the years of every variety. All jingled and jumbled up. Some have not seen the light of day for 20 years.

Sope i decided to open the cupboard, and like a "lucky dip"....shut my eyes, and "pick a card.......any card from anywhere in the deck"......guess what i pulled out?......

Scott Joplin.

Can't say fairer than that.

If that does not have my fingers giggling like a child, then nothing will.

Do you know how lucky i am, to be feeling poorly and to have my own little home, with my beautiful ole fella with me? I have good food, i have a family who give me strength, who times i can feel behind me pushing me up my hills and making sure i do not run ahead of myself going down the otherside. I have the greatest mentor, shepherd, motivator and guidance system in my dear Milan, and although i might not be experiencing terribly "good" health right now, i have enough health to make my life a beautiful life so i do. All i need are my eyes to see what is around me, and my heart to feel what i see.

A gentle, gentle day awaits. I hope all of your day are gentle and kind too.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 03-30-2017, 09:30 AM   #5299
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How is the piano playing going Tryn? I wish i could play!! You are so talented. I hope your soft, relaxing day goes so well for you and you and Rolo feel peace and love all day long xxx
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Unread 03-30-2017, 09:33 AM   #5300
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Hope you are feeling better Tryn.
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