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Unread 08-18-2014, 09:24 PM   #1
Mari1196
Junior Member
 
Posts: 1
Unhappy Feeling Free.. hope it will last

Hi everybody. I am in my 50s and have been in a relationship with a heroin user for 7.5 years. When we met I had no idea. I've done my share of playing around with drugs in my earlier years and considered myself pretty smart when it came to recognizing excessive drug use. But he managed to hide it for 2 years. What I did know about him is that he had heart disease and no insurance. And that alone bothered me. Truth is, he is a wonderful, supportive, smart guy but his father died of a sudden heart attack when he was 11 and I think he has a death wish. His mom didn't handle the situation at all. She went into survivor mode - alone - and the kids had to fend for themselves. One committed suicide, another just took off to live on a beach for years and my bf started using. When I found out I left him. He convinced me he had it under control. I stayed but put some distance between us. Since then he has had another heart attack (6th one), congestive heart failure in May and last week had a stroke that has affected his ability to process what he is seeing (not just blind or blurry) and some memory loss. He also admitted to trying suicide. He is in the hospital with no insurance getting very good care and getting detoxed - something he has been telling me he wants to do so badly for the last few months. However, the blood tests came back with not only heroin but coke as well. Apparently he cooked some up (I read the texts on his phone), did it and it caused this stroke. I was still trying to be supportive and offered to be his Health Care Proxy because he doesn't want to tell his mother - probably cuz he fears more rejection from her. Bottom line - today his detox was in high gear. He was really sick. I showed up and he always treats me well and with sympathy for what he has put me through. I have left him many times and keep going back but in my mind more as close friends with this crazy bond. Today I found out his friend has been sneaking in drugs. He asked me to leave so his friend could come to the room. I told him I would report him (the guy just got out of jail and is on probation) and my bf went crazy yelling that he wanted security to remove me from the room. He had never done anything like that to me before. I went to his phone, deleted my number and left. I followed up with security to let them know what happened. He actually did me a favor by kicking me out of his room. It was a gift. I am upset, as expected. His friends who don't use are supportive of me as are mine. I feel strong today but not sure what the future will bring. He is so physically sick that I think he may leave the hospital to use and will be dead by the end of the week. I know I can't help him. I went through this exact same thing with my brother using alcohol and had to turn my back on him because he was pulling me into that proverbial black hole and I refuse to have anybody do that to me. On the other hand, I sometimes think love and logic will prevail, but I know better. It's those times when I feel that way that scares me.
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Unread 08-19-2014, 07:08 AM   #2
Ramona
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Posts: 18
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Hi Mari! I wanted to say welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story with us.

I have been reading a lot of the group members' background stories on here, and I have to say yours was particularly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you have to go through watching someone you love slowly kill themselves. I know exactly what that feels like, because I had a father who was a severe alcoholic. All throughout my childhood, he would go on these huge 'binges', usually a couple times a year, where he would drink until he would end up in the hospital. Every time I would see the paramedics come to our house and take him away, I wasn't sure if he would come back. Since I was very young and didn't understand what addiction was, I constantly wondered what made him so miserable in life that would result in those horrific actions? Why weren't me, my sister, and my mom enough to make him happy?

Well I'm 23 now and the same awful events are still occurring about every 1-2 years. Even though my dad started going to AA almost a decade ago, he has relapsed at least half a dozen times. Each time I hear about the newest binge, I wonder how much longer he has left to live. I'm certain that there is no possible way that someone can be doing so much harm to themselves and not have serious consequences to their health. It is so painful and frustrating that the person who brought me to this Earth doesn't seem to want to live to see his daughters get married or to meet his grandchildren. But sadly, like all other innocent victims of this disease, I had to accept that addiction is the ultimate desire and it overpowers all else.

I don't know or have much experience with heroin (I am here because of an addiction to pain meds I was prescribed), but I can tell you for a fact that any kind of opiate will make you not care about anything. Flat and simple, no ****s given whatsoever. Whether it be not caring about other people's feelings, or not caring about your health, or not caring that you might be days away from lying in a casket. So while it may seem shocking to you that your boyfriend could be so careless with his life, to him its probably meaningless at the moment.

I wish I could give you advice on what you could do to get him some help, but I have barely just taken on the huge task of getting myself help for my own addiction. However, the treatment medication I have recently started taking is called Suboxone, and so far it seems to be working really well. But from what I have seen being on here for only a couple days, there are a LOT of really knowledgeable, experienced, and helpful people that can point you in a better direction than I could.

I wanted to reply to your post and share my similar story with you simply to offer my support. My new doctor told me that getting treatment for addiction is only half the battle, and that the more important part is acquiring the tools and support that will make you permanently stay clean.

Anyway, I hope you have found some kind of comfort in knowing you are not alone in this type of situation, and I pray that you will have luck in finding a solution. *hugs*

Last edited by Ramona; 08-19-2014 at 07:34 AM..
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