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Unread 11-05-2013, 08:23 PM   #1
Hoot42
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I've been reading many posts over the last few days and it has certainly made me feel less alone. My husband and I have been married 19 years (one daughter, 15) and although he has not always had a drinking problem, he has developed one over the last 1-2 years. I've lost track of how many times I told him that he had to leave and then that he had to leave when he didn't quit. I finally followed through this past week when I got a phone call at 1 a.m. that he had been arrested for DUI (two days after he swore that he was done drinking because he didn't want to lose my and our daughter). It was the final straw and he moved out this past weekend.
It wasn't confrontational or violent and kind of anti-climatic. He agreed that we need some time apart and I told him he had to leave until he got his crap together. He does not blame me, although he has in the past. Ex. i spend too much which stresses him out, I don't communicate with him, etc. I realize that they are all his defense mechanisms. I also see now that i have been codependent and enabling him. (Ordered "Codependent No More" today on the advice of my counselor).
So, we both have a lot of work to do but I do not know what to do on this road ahead. I want to be there for him but I have to put myself and our daughter first. He has gone to counseling before but quit when it got into difficult issues. He is going back and we go to the same counselor so he can't BS her. He doesn't think of himself as an alcoholic-just that he "makes bad decisions".
I have a great support system with family, friends, coworkers but I think some of them don't understand why I don't just file for divorce. Sorry for the rambling...just trying to get my thoughts together.
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Unread 11-06-2013, 04:32 AM   #2
RIX
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Welcome Hoot42!

Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. Sometimes just spilling our guts is so helpful. I guess I don't really have much helpful advice for you... as my family situation is quite different, it is my brother who is an alcoholic. However there are similar things we all go through from struggling with how to actually "help" to trying to determine that hard to find line of enabling. I know my family and I have found ourselves there several times.

I'm sure you've read in other posts that the blame game is normal operating procedure for addicts as well as lying, manipulation etc... You have also read that you can't do much if they don't want to change... how difficult that lesson is to learn, some never seem to... but there is always hope, people get free from this bondage every day. Please keep checking in and share as much as you are comfortable with.

I expect that others will chime in with some good feed back for you. What a blessing that you have a good support with your family and consoler! Good for you for taking such great care of your daughter and not letting the drama of alcohol rule you!

Blessings!

rix
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Unread 11-06-2013, 11:23 AM   #3
R. Lee
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Hoot42, Welcome to the site.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. In 42 years of drinking I gave away a lot with my me, me attitude.

Your husband is traveling down the road where he will give a lot away do to his putting alcohol over everything. He can loose his family, friends, driving privileges & so much more.

I would blame my drinking on everything else except myself.

You are doing the right thing. Don't enable him because his drinking will get worse.
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Unread 11-06-2013, 03:38 PM   #4
1418
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Hello and welcome!

You really sound as though you have your head on straight. I think if you read past posts you will see that many of us (myself included) can get caught up in the chaos of the "logic" that an alcoholic creates. There usually is an element of truth in what they say - so it is sometimes difficult to not get tied up into the whole manipulation thing.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing - it doens't sound as though you are questioning your decision - but I respect any parent that makes a decision they feel is in the best interest of his/her child.

Sending you good vibes of respect and strength.

Take care.
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Unread 11-06-2013, 08:07 PM   #5
Hoot42
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Thank you for the responses-I truly appreciate the support. 1418-I spent quite some time reading through all of your posts along your journey, I admire you and you inspired me to make my first post.

My husband came over last night for dinner and it was cordial but we also didn't talk about anything substantial. I am so hesitant to ask him if he's sober because I have no faith in him being truthful. He says that he loves us and misses us and that he can just quit but heard that one before. One of my issues is the codependency so if I'm asking him what he's doing or making suggestions-am I making the same mistakes?

Bit more background, he is the youngest of four children and a "late in life" baby (his mom was 42). He's very tall and was made to be ashamed of that by his mother because he was always outgrowing his clothes. His mother was/is also very critical of everything he does but he still seeks her approval. (His father passed away 18 years ago) He lost his job in 2008 during the recession and was out of work for a year or so. (Partly due to him not wanting to take a job beneath him and his laziness). Got a job and after three months and then injured his back at work. He was fired because his blood test showed marijuana in his system. Workman's comp still covered back surgery and recovery for the next 11 months. Started back to work about 10 months ago and is now employed full-time and working 60 hours or so a week.

He's always been a drinker but only once a week and it could be weeks in between until about 18 months ago. That's when it started to be several nights a week to excess and driving after drinking. I've heard too many times that "I quit" with the last being two days before his DUI.

I was strong today and am working to be strong for tomorrow as well!
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Unread 11-07-2013, 09:54 AM   #6
1418
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You made my day! If my experience can assist one person - that is a great thing for me, so THANK YOU!

The problem with asking a drunk anything is that it puts you in aposiiton where you need to decide if they are telling the truth or not. Personally, I put more faith in actions/behaviors.

If my ex gets sober - he will get his license back. To me, that will show accountability. If my ex were going to a 12 step program and working the steps, that would show me accountability and real steps to becoming sober.

I do think drunks miss us, and I do think they love us. The probelm is - they love alcohol more. For me, until I see actual behaviors from my ex - his words are the teacher in Snoopy shows (mwa ma mwa wa wa).

Hugs to you for being strong another day. Keep listening to yourself. It may take some time to begin to really hear and trust yourself again - but you've got this!!!!
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Unread 11-07-2013, 03:54 PM   #7
R. Lee
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Hoot42, 1418 is right on. Listen to your sixth sense.
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Unread 11-08-2013, 02:30 PM   #8
Hoot42
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1418-love your Snoopy reference...that's what it feels like any more when he's says that he's done-just indistinguishable noise.

He came over last night and took our daughter to dinner. When she got home she said that he doesn't think I'll ever let him move back (it hasn't even been a week). I'm not sure if he was trying to manipulate her or what but I will nip that in the butt right away. It did make me feel guilty at first though and guilt is my biggest weakness. If he gets angry, I can deal with that but the guilt gets me. I reinforced to him today that we are both working on our own issues and nothing has been decided.

On another note, I'm realizing that what I have always considered my inner "control freak" may actually be codependency??!!
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Unread 11-08-2013, 11:01 PM   #9
michaelc232
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Hey Hoot42. I'm so glad that you came on here to find some support. As someone who drank heavily, I can tell you that alcohol turned me into a big, whining victim. It was everybody's fault but mine, and the only time that anything was my fault was if I was desperate. In that case I would turn into a blubbering idiot, and apologize, and promise whatever it took to get what I wanted. Then, when the coast was clear, I would break all promises and continue drinking. You can rest assured that your husband is doing the same with this guilt trip that he is trying to take you on. He thinks you are going to call him, he will then cry and beg and apologize, and then you are going to let him back in. He will be on his best behavior for a week or so, then he will begin drinking. Slowly at first, to show you that he has control over it. Then, before you know it, you will wake up one morning wondering how things got bad again. DON'T GIVE IN! He needs to hit his bottom, whatever that is, so that he can wake up and realize that he needs help.
Also, don't be so hard on yourself with the Codependency issues. Everyone, to some extent, is codependent. Allow yourself some time to heal and walk through this process. You have all the support you need here my friend! Keep posting. Blessings!

Michael
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