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Unread 03-26-2017, 01:49 PM   #201
soapdish
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I woke up at 6am but it was 7am of course. I had a cup of tea and contemplated going on the long bike ride I'd planned last night but it was raining and so the duvet called to me.
I had a massive lie in until midday. Then I cleaned out all the crap in the kitchen cupboards, did laundry and some gardening and made soup. I read two pages of my book.
It's nippy so I've just lit the fire and the flames are a comfort even if I had a nightmare the other night that the house was on fire so I was unsure whether to light it. I'm glad I did.
There are a million things I could/should be doing but I really can't be arsed so I'm just going to stare at the flames instead. It's so relaxing.
Have a lovely evening everyone
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Unread 03-26-2017, 01:53 PM   #202
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Sounds like a brilliant day SD absolutely lovely. My parents have two woodburners at home and i do miss the fires, you are right, they are so relaxing.

I sometimes listen to a recording of crackling fire, whilst i meditate.

Wishing you all the happiness in the world xx
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Unread 03-26-2017, 01:53 PM   #203
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Alexis, It was so nice of you to remember that today's my day off
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Unread 03-26-2017, 04:09 PM   #204
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Of course SD, i remember all the special days of our little family xx
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Unread 03-27-2017, 12:26 PM   #205
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oh to relax around the fire is so nice, it is mesmerizing. This weekend there is a camp i'm going to and there will be a campfire. Hope your rest day is nice!
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Unread 03-29-2017, 10:13 AM   #206
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How are you SD? xx
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Unread 03-29-2017, 08:16 PM   #207
soapdish
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Totally all over the place. Drowning in mountains of lost lists about the things I have to do. I know there are post-its somewhere in the house but the question is, where? I'm trying to be organised but the pace is so fast and I'm so messy, even if there's order in my clutter.

The nights are still hard but I'm getting quite good at training my brain to think only about ridiculous, fantastical, or superficial things. I'm not able to meditate or relax. I'm hyper and alert all the time. I think i've had too much coffee. Like way too much over the last few days all accumulating in me. I'm sleeping 4-6 hours a night so it's hard to get up in the morning but I have to so then i keep drinking coffee and I'm full of beans all day and night long. I think I'm addicted to coffee. It makes sense. Caffeine interacts with the dopamine system of the brain. So sure, it gives me a buzz and the espressos here are obviously amazing! I think it's an innocent addiction enough but it would certainly be better if I at least cut down. Tomorrow I could switch to decaf I suppose or just not have any coffee, which is simpler, he he! Between the coffees I drink tea, herbal tea, green tea, normal black tea with milk. So I'll cut out one or the other first.

I think my mind is a lot like my house, inside my cupboards, my bag, my pc. Full of clutter. Full of stuff. Both good joyous things and horrible things are shoved away in boxes or piles. Put away but never addressed. Always there in the background. Tidying up is so simple really. just decide - Open on display, put away neatly, donate, recycle or throw away. It ain't rocket science. but it's so difficult. I just put away away everything messily.
I've been trying for years to de-clutter by starting on the house, aiming to then sort out my pc and tech, then my mind. but i never get past the house. i just keep tidying up, making a mess, clearing out, accumulating more stuff and the cycle just goes on and on. So I've finally decided to do it the other way around. De-clutter my mind. Feel well and strong and little by little address the matters of the house. Sod the lists. There are so many things to do, just do one of them. It doesn't matter which!

Have a nice second half of the week everyone,
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Unread 03-29-2017, 10:39 PM   #208
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You can become your own worst enemy with your own stuff. You have it and you can get rid of it. There are lots to that I know from watching TV shows etc., but sometimes we just gather things for a distraction and we live in a material world. Oh yea, that's a song.... No big deal.

Drink lots of water in between the coffee and you can maybe set a time to stop drinking it like 10 a.m. Just a thought. The no sleeping catches up quick and the drinking coffee later on causes insomnia and it is a vicious cycle, but you can overcome it. Just set a little goal each day and be very gentle and kind to yourself....the greatest teacher ever......
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Unread 03-30-2017, 10:00 AM   #209
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Thanks LD.
Yes I've seen myself in those tv shows many a time.
The classroom is impeccable (well maybe exaggerating) but the rest is like a bomb hit it.

The coffee problem turned out easy because there was no coffee left lol
I just had one at the bar.

Xxxx
Lots of love.
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Unread 03-30-2017, 10:26 AM   #210
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Hey SD, thanks for all the support you are giving me

Yes cut down on coffee, i can barely drink it anymore as it makes me mega anxious and manic. I miss it a bit but tea is good if not better.

I have lists and lists, sometimes its overwhelming but when it gets too much, i write a new one haha sounds silly but somtimes just re writing it gets my head around it more.

Do you write a journal? Maybe that will help get things out of your head??

Hope today is happy and wonderful for you, but like R Lee says, even if its just 'ok' thats alright too...

Love you xx
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Unread 03-30-2017, 05:58 PM   #211
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Well I'm thinking I'm messy and then I go to my sister's and she is a wild hog, but she's not upset at herself for the clutter. She's content. I'll bet you sleep well tonight.
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Unread 04-02-2017, 10:52 AM   #212
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Hows your weekend been SD? xx
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Unread 04-03-2017, 06:52 PM   #213
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Hi,

LD the sentence about your sister made me smile so much.
Alexis, thank YOU, yes I agree: an okay day is okay by me too!
I'm kinda using this thread as my journal and you're right, it helps to clear my head and gather all my thoughts (but above all I treasure the support).

So, it was a rubbish weekend but never mind. Today was fun decorating eggs. I wanted to do an Easter egg hunt in the garden but all the neighbours have complained. We had a condominium meeting on Friday and everyone was shouting at me or stayed silent looking at the floor. It went badly. I wanted to be humble but I became defensive and I've been ruminating and worrying about it all weekend even if I tried not to and I know there's no reason to. So I won't push my luck with the Easter hunt. I'll do it in the house instead, with clues. It'll still be fun.
Tomorrow morning I'll be making origami vegetables and singing songs about vegetables. In the afternoon I've got teenagers and we're working on an Ed Sheeran song, learning the vocab and translating some lyrics. I've then got two adult classes in the evening and they are all lovely and interesting people so I certainly can't complain at all! I am very thankful. They're a reason to go to bed early so I can get up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready for great lessons!

I'm just really restless and feel unstable.
I get a letter a week.
The last three said he wanted to come back here under house arrest. So I've replied telling him to remove that idea from his head. I posted the letter this morning and I felt a bit better for it but I didn't really want to enter into correspondence with him, and now I have.

I hope everybody has a wonderful day tomorrow
hugs and lots of love
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Unread 04-03-2017, 07:43 PM   #214
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Hey Soapdish,

Oh boy, you really are in a difficult situation. Painful, angry, and...well, fill in any emotion you can think of. They all fit, don't they? You're in a tough, tough spot!

Of course, you know that your ex will "read" in your letter to him an open invitation to continue corresponding with you. No, that's SO NOT what you said. Doesn't matter to his (respectfully) sick mind. It's an opening. A response, even if an angry response, is, to him, a re-connection.

Yeah. But what can you do? Your reply is spot on. He CANNOT reside with you. Nope, he cannot, under any circumstance. You know that if you allow him access to you, THAT contact will not end well.

Soapdish, your ex, that poor mentally ill man, is...mentally ill. And he is now, and will forever be, a danger to you. How do I know? I don't. Not for certain. However, I have worked in that world...and I have lived in that world.

My sweet, beloved daughter was hurt, nearly ended, due to a relationship with a mentally unbalanced man. My own reaction to him, well---that's another tale. In short, that entire terrible, heartbreaking dealio was awful.

And the "bottom line?"

She HAD to separate from him in order to reclaim her life. And all those women (and children) I worked with also had to separate themselves from any contact with the men who would hurt them. Many succeeded; some did not. Some died.

Sorry. Hope I'm not too awfully melodramatic.

The truth is: You are not in an easy, no-way-near-simple situation. Duh, right!?

Yet Soapdiish, you really have but one choice. Break off any contact with him. Use the authorities if you must. And...and you may need to.

In my opinion, anyway.

best!

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Unread 04-04-2017, 11:22 AM   #215
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Hi Sam,

Not melodramatic, you're speaking from heart and experience. I appreciate your input and I am so sorry your daughter had to live something similar. I truly hope she is fine, safe and free now.

I think that all I can do is live my life. My heart is closed to him. I can't and don't want to see him.
So long as I don't see him I can be tough and resolved.

I have to deal with my own demons, and he his. I wish one day he'll see for himself and one day be well but only he can make that happen. He says he's repented and learnt a lesson - his words. But that's irrelevant to me now. Only action will persuade me, not words and certainly not this soon.

Thanks for taking the trouble to write me Sam.

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Unread 04-04-2017, 12:46 PM   #216
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Hi SD!

Sorry. Neglected to mention (and thanks for your concern), my daughter is happy and free---and safe. This was many years back, long ago in our past, yet it remains still fresh in my mind. Like you, I (and my daughter) have moved forward in our lives (as has Mrs. Sam), so we really don't think about that awful time, not nearly so much, guess I ought to say.

Tragically, for the man and his family, he was killed in a motorcycle accident not long after he got out of prison. It is a terrible thing, this person's death. How awful am I to, in my, what?, darker times, to be relieved that, at least, he won't come by here ever again?

He was a troubled man, as is your ex. I recall speaking with him, so many times, about how I might be able to help him. What can I do, I asked him. "Nothing," he said. "Nobody can help me."

So freaking sad, all around. Would this young man have ever found balance in his life, I can never know this. Can your ex find his own balance, ever? Well, as you've stated so powerfully, that is all on him. Good luck and all that, but that job is his.

Your job? Take good, loving care of Soapdish!

best,

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Unread 04-04-2017, 08:18 PM   #217
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Hi,

I'm sad about your story Sam.

I would like to say that I completely understand the feeling of relief. I felt it too when he was in hospital for 2 months after he fell 30ft and broke his pelvis, but your sense of relief comes from being a father. Does that come from a dark place? I don't think so. You love your daughter.
I haven't told my parents. I couldn't at Christmas after it had just happened and then my dad had his fall. He is progressing well but it'll be a long recovery and I will not burden my parents with this too. It would break their hearts. I don't need to do that. I'm really glad that your daughter had you and Mrs Sam by her side. It would have been so much worse if she'd been all alone. But it was a long time ago as you say, don't let me be dragging it all up again for you!

I know life goes on and this will just become another sorrow to add to the others and it will diminish with time, occasionally resurfacing, then slipping away again, as sorrow does.

Now I have to figure out how I let this happen in the first place.

big big hugs and well wishes
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Unread 04-04-2017, 10:52 PM   #218
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SD, You can't always realize how it happened. It's the past , just let it float away, you learn and go on, it is ok.... Your anxiety will go down if you forgive youself. take care you nice, smart girl. I'm not sure how old you are, but I wouldn't ever mind being called a girl, right?
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Unread 04-05-2017, 06:22 AM   #219
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I think SD is 38 right??

Oh SD sorry i havent been around for you. You did the right thing, you are brave and smart and passionate. I just love you for that.

Keep pushing forward, it will all get easier.

I hope work goes ok today and you can check in here when you can xxx
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Unread 04-05-2017, 07:28 AM   #220
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Hi thanks LD, Alexis and Sam.
I must let it go, let him go, I know. It's just still very raw, that's all.

Yes 38 years old...39 in May. "Girl" is just fine by me

Xxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-06-2017, 04:38 AM   #221
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I understand SD. Out birthdays are near. We need to celebrate 39 is a great age. Enjoy yourself and have a fun enjoyable peaceful day.
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Unread 04-06-2017, 10:35 AM   #222
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How are you today SD? Hope not too stressed out. Love to you xx
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Unread 04-06-2017, 06:10 PM   #223
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Very stressed but now the day is finally over and I'm sitting down, finally enjoying some silence! Love right back at you!!!
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Unread 04-06-2017, 06:23 PM   #224
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Glad you have some silence, have you got any tea? Hope the cats are softly purring around you xxx
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Unread 04-07-2017, 07:42 AM   #225
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I am thinking of you today SD. Hope today is less stressful for you xx
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Unread 04-07-2017, 09:13 AM   #226
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Dear Alexis, thank you so much for being by my side.
I'm trying not to be glum. Just neutral is fine until I start the lessons then I'll put my cheerful mask on.
I'm on the bus now daydreaming and listening to the secondary school kids swearing. I finish at 8pm today, a rare luxury. I plan to read my book, force myself to concentrate otherwise I will never be able to get back into reading and concentrating. I reckon it's a matter of training.
Oh shoop I'm waffling. Ok the bus has left...too wobbly to type now...
Thinking of you too Alexis.
Have a lovely day everyone.
Kisses
Xxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-07-2017, 12:32 PM   #227
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8pm is a late finish but your evening sounds great. What book are you reading?

I hope you are doing well, are you an hour ahead of me? if so not TOO long till you finish!! xx
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Unread 04-07-2017, 05:38 PM   #228
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Yes but the other days I finish at 10pm! So I love Fridays! Tomorrow I work less than I used to because of my new schedule, which has made a massive difference to my health and I am managing to stay quite relaxed and stick to the little by little motto. I'm gradually getting things done. I'm working hard to not be self destructive and just be boring and safe and relaxed and feel fine. I'm coming back to the UK next week for Easter. So I'm happy about that, even if I will miss and worry about the cats. Anyway it's only 4 days.

Yes in Italy we're one hour ahead of the UK.

I'm reading at the edge of the orchard by Tracy Chevalier. Have you read it?
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2...of-the-orchard
I'm three quarters of the way through. It's set in 1830s and 1850s Ohio and California during the gold rush. A hard life depicted. Imagine what life must have been like back then. Yes I love the book. Can't wait to know what happens next. I hope it won't become disappointing. It's the first book I've read in ages.

Lots of love
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Unread 04-07-2017, 10:55 PM   #229
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I like the hard life books. My favorite setting time is the early 1900's to 40's. I hope you have a nice day. I mean't our not out on an earlier reply,big milestone birthday coming and you will be holding 39.
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Unread 04-08-2017, 07:55 AM   #230
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Hey SD, did you manage to read some of your book last night? Ive not heard of that one, sounds interesting.

Hope you have a wonderful day. And work isnt too stressy xx
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Unread 04-09-2017, 05:08 AM   #231
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Hi,
Thanks LD, my day was nice. I had 4 children's workshops yesterday so we blew eggs and dyed them, then we used the egg to make Easter cupcakes. It was fun and messy.

I think every birthday is a milestone. To think I'd be ancient or dead at 39 if I lived in 1817 or 1917. In 2017, 39 is still fairly young.

My book is amazing. I read six pages last night. Sounds pathetic, but that's an achievement lol. The big family secret has just been revealed and didn't disappoint. Now the story is unfolding further and made me cry so much. A sister's journey across America to find her brother. 8 years it takes her to save enough money to catch a stagecoach out of the black swamp Ohio. Fascinating.

Today I aim to get 4 things done:
Write a report, do my invoices, sand the front door, make a display of irregular verbs.

Wishing you all a good Sunday,
Lots of love, kisses and hugs.
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Unread 04-09-2017, 06:45 AM   #232
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Sounds like a brilliant day SD! I quite like having stuff to do. You will feel so much accomplishment later

Let us know how you get on!! xx
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Unread 04-09-2017, 11:17 AM   #233
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oh I'd be good at the irregular verbs, some of my nouns- drawer and verbs-lure are very hard to understand, my youngest son is always teasing me and asking me to say them out loud...One task is a lot, count that one with a big check and you are doing just fine....
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Unread 04-09-2017, 03:25 PM   #234
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Hows your day been SD? xx
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Unread 04-09-2017, 04:36 PM   #235
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Ha ha ha yes 4 things were too many. I only got the door done. I had a massive afternoon nap instead.
Xxxxx
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Unread 04-09-2017, 04:58 PM   #236
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He he yes LD...drawer is a crazy word and what about... chest of drawers!
😂
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Unread 04-09-2017, 05:48 PM   #237
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Afternoon naps are the best, well done for allowing yourself the rest, you deserve it, you work so hard!! xxx
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Unread 04-11-2017, 03:04 PM   #238
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How are you SD? xx
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Unread 04-11-2017, 04:21 PM   #239
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Naps are nice unless they are too long and start a cycle. But we should all have a siesta each day. I'm declaring it.
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Unread 04-11-2017, 06:44 PM   #240
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Hi, I'm ok thanks Alexis and LD.
I said that I just have to make it until Easter, and I'm nearly there! Yipeee.Just tomorrow and Thursday.
Who knows what'll happen then?
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Unread 04-12-2017, 12:13 PM   #241
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What do you WANT to happen SD? Any plans? xx
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Unread 04-13-2017, 10:28 AM   #242
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Last day SD you looking forward to coming to England? xx
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Unread 04-13-2017, 10:14 PM   #243
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Have a nice Easter weekend SD!
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Unread 04-14-2017, 06:08 AM   #244
soapdish
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Hello and thank you for asking after me.
Greetings from the North of England
No plans, just hang out at home and walk the dog on the beach. It's a flying visit, going back on Sunday.
I'm shattered, just for a change! Lol

I wish you all a happy Easter weekend too.
Lots of love
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Unread 04-14-2017, 09:37 AM   #245
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Sounds lovely!! How are your parents doing? xx
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Unread 04-14-2017, 12:10 PM   #246
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They are parents Alexis! Hard work, stubborn and ever so stuck in their ways!!! They are strange people and I had an unusual upbringing, but they are good people inside their hearts and I am lucky.
So long as I let their comments and behaviours roll off my back and stay secretive about my thoughts, ideas, dreams, problems...then our relationship is good and I enjoy my time here.

My dad is now using crutches and is more autonomous, so that is great for both him and mum.
There is a lot going on health-wise for him, and my younger brother, who was born with disabilities. It's a lot for my mum. She is an incredible woman! So strong and fierce.
I will keep coming back once a month to lend a hand and I know in my heart that soon they'll need more consistent help than that, so I will start preparing for the future. For moving back to the UK I mean, within the next five years, not overnight. Unless the situation becomes urgent of course, then I'll drop everything in Italy if need be.
So yeah, that's my plan. Live, work, smile, stay sober, protect myself. Prepare for a humble future.

Shame there's such crappy weather today. I'm wearing my brother's fleece!

And how's your dad Alexis? Will you be visiting them again soon?
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Unread 04-14-2017, 01:03 PM   #247
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You are a good person SD, i hope you know that? Glad your dad is ok on his crutches.

My dad is fine, last check up he had the cancer hadnt grown so fingers crossed he stays ok for a while. He retired from work early (he was a teacher) to give him more time to do what he wants. So he has been playing golf a lot recently. And my parents have a camper van so they go away in that quite a bit. He is enjoying life right now, so thats all that matters i suppose. My own fears cant be projected onto him.

I will see him tomorrow at the football

I had a good upbringing really, they both loved me and my sister a lot and we knew that. They tried hard. OK some things that happened has ****ed me up a bit....but my mental illness is genetic, both my grandads had schizophrenia...

ANyway im rambling. Glad you are planning SD, and yes its chilly today, must be bitterly cold by the sea!!

Love to you xx
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Unread 04-15-2017, 08:50 PM   #248
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Sometimes I think I need to discover my nasty side.

That is great news about your dad. Cancer is a terrifying word but it isn't like it used to be. I know many people who have battled cancers and won, regardless of their age actually. Good on your dad for retiring early and enjoying life more. I am glad you enjoyed your day at the match with him and your sister.

No, never stop rambling! I love it.

Back to Italy tomorrow. I am ok about that, except I have to spend Monday doing my invoices and tax return ugh. Bureaucracy sucks the life force out of me!!!!
Oh well, it'll keep me away from my neighbour's BBQ and the drink that'll be flowing freely. So good. I'd honestly rather do my tax returns than get pissed.
I am better in my sobriety. It's been 7 years, with one relapse last year one evening in defiance of my partner's drinking. I naively thought it might help him get the message. The night ended with a broken coffee table, a kick in the spine and an ambulance.
So, no. No way. No more drink for me thanks.

I go about my business most of the time. Then a waft of BBQ, a seafood meal, an advert on TV, Christmas, the smell of summer. There are many triggers, like Sam posted about recently. Sometimes every day a trigger is there, jumping out at me like a malevolent elf but I've learnt to let them wash over me until they recede. Drinking just isn't an option for me. I am better sober. A better version of me and with that frame of mind, I can affront anything. Including his letters, which are sounding more and more desperate.

Ok now I'M rambling!
😎

Xxxx
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Unread 04-15-2017, 11:43 PM   #249
lostdog
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I liked what you said that drinking is not an option. You are so right. I'm glad your dad is getting along better. Good hearts are hard to come by I'm glad for you. Have a nice Sunday. I have a rash of gorgeous yellow wildflowers. Last week it was the pink evening primaries. And bluebonnets. I will look up the yellow ones or ask the native grass group. They are so brilliant and there are thousands of them. Take care.
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Unread 04-16-2017, 07:52 AM   #250
Alexis
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Thanks SD, hahah i like it when you ramble too i love to read your letters!

I hope your flight is safe and no delays. Let us know when you are home, and give your cats a cuddle from me xx
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