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Unread 06-04-2016, 05:31 PM   #1
Sps218
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Posts: 5
Unhappy New here...first time reaching out

Some of you will read this and think wow this woman is so dumb. How could she have done this to herself? I was never in to drugs as a teen or in my early 20s. I always walked the straight road and did the best I could possibly do. I went to college, graduated, got an amazing job, and was very independent. I didn't have a relationship with my parents and other family members took me in as a teenager. My siblings however did not have is as easy as I did. Once I started to want to build a relationship with my siblings, I realized they were on drugs. At that time, now 4 years ago, I was very in to exercising and nutrition. I had pulled my hamstring during a training session and could hardly walk. I asked for a hydrocodone. Instead I was given a Roxy 30. I took it and felt HORRIBLE! I scratched myself all night log, threw up several times, hated the feeling of a hang over and complained the next day. The person told me I took too much and I have no tolerance and should try smaller amounts. Biggest mistake ever! A pulled hamstring turned into a full blown Roxy addiction. I was loosing my life right before my eyes and I couldn't even see it. Bc I had never had any issues in the past, no one in my family's there than my siings ever saw this. We all just kept it a secret. When Roxys became hard to come by, someone introduced Subutex to us. Bc we were used to the short acting opiates that you couldn't feel high off of anymore, we looked at a Subutex as 1 pill, the same way we did Roxys. Not realizing how powerful this drug actually is. And started out at WAY too high of a dose. I have been on Subutex now for 2.5 years. At first I was abusing the Subutex just like I was the Roxys. Snorting anywhere from 1-2 subs per day. Once I lost a few jobs, a relationship, filed bankruptcy, some of my family, I knew I needed to make a change. I am now (still snorting) taking about 2-3mg per day and have been at this rate for about 6 months now. I still buy from the streets and my immediate family still doesn't know. They just think I am deeply depressed (which I am) due to all the things I've been through in the last year. I have read a lot of articles and blogs over the years and I know I am experiencing PAWS. The only good that has come out of all of this is that I have uncovered things emotionally and psychologically that I never dealt with as a child, teen, and young adult. I am now in my 30's, living at home with family again, about at the same point I was in my life when I had just graduated college and moved home. I don't go to a doctor Bc I work in the medical field and I am terrified of being labeled a junkie and loosing my career. It's only me, no one else to financially help me. Subs are so expensive in my area and the type of people that I buy from aren't working independent individuals. They are living off their script money and def take advantage of someone like me who has a full time job and income. I know that if I don't quit, I am never going to be able to get my life back, financial independence, a chance for a real relationship (the one) or a chance at having children. (I'm border line almost too late). I have all the hopes and dreams there. I don't want to do this anymore. However, I have tried the cold turkey method several times over the years and it just feels like death. I thought I was doing great when I was at 4mg per day, until I read the horror stories and realized that is still way too high of a dose. However, at my current dose, I am so depressed, lazy, unorganized, don't even care about personal hygiene....it's just horrible. But I can't afford to be at 4mg per day. Anyhow, I just wanted to introduce myself, explain a little of my between a rock and a hard place situation, and hope I have some one to talk to! Good luck to all of you as well!
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Unread 06-05-2016, 07:20 AM   #2
NancyB
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Hi Sps218, welcome. One thing that could be a catch-22 is the snorting. That in itself is addictive behavior. Just like with some people who shoot substances, the ritual of snorting could be a tough thing to break because it's all part of the addiction, the finding, buying and snorting the bupe. Oftentimes when people who take bupe become depressed, lethargic, etc. it's because the dose is too high. Bupe has a ceiling effect and once above that ceiling, that can happen along with exacerbation of any side effects like constipation. Or it could be depression stemming from your situation. Are you seeing a therapist at all? This is a really good thread to read about treatment:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=23809

The first thing you really need to do it stop snorting the bupe and start taking it sublingually, once a day. Once you start doing that successfully, think about tapering off properly. Jumping from 4mg along with not stopping the addictive behavior of snorting it or addressing your depression, is not a good combination, as you saw.

Please let us know how you're doing and what you think about starting to take it sublingually.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 06-05-2016, 08:37 AM   #3
Sps218
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Hi Nancy! Thank you for your reply! A agree with everything you suggested. The depression is coming from all sorts of areas. As I mentioned, I am realizing things I never dealt with as a child. Also, I realize I am living a double life which had brought a huge amount of guilt. I am a Christian, attend church, work full-time, and it's like I'm just being "fake" Bc I know the truth about myself. I am embarrassed of myself, my actions and choices that brought me here, and also the fact that I'm in my 30s living at home. That keeps me from doing things socially Bc I am not the person I want to be. Therefore, I don't feel right about seeking any relationships, regardless if it is for friends or a partner. I want to get my life back and be who I want to be before any of that.

The reason I haven't stopped snorting sub is because of two reasons. You are 100% right that I am addicted to snorting. I've learned that everyone in my family is very habitual. Even the non-drug users. It's like it's a passed on family trait to be habitual in anything we do, good or bad. The other is because I am terrified that taking sub orally will not last as long, or I will need more, and it is so expensive now I literally can't afford anymore than I already do. Over the last couple of months I've gotten to the point where I stock up so that I don't have to worry about the "finding" part of it, or the fear of going without. I realized that situation is what killed my last relationship. It was like my life was completely revolved around how to get sub and that is all I cared about. At least I have addressed that issue and am headed in the right direction, but I also know I am no where close to being done with any of this.

As far as a therapist, I do not speak to anyone regarding the drug issue. I meet with a lady from my church once every two weeks just to talk about family issues and things I've realized in the last year that I never coped with and pushed under a rug. There is a woman that attends my church that I used to be very good friends with in high school, who is a psychologist, and has approached me several times at church bc you can look at me and know there is something wrong. No one would ever believe that I am taking a drug. It will be a huge shock. I know that I need to tell someone, which is why I finally reached out to this website after years of just being a reader. I know that if I get a chance to set up a meeting with the woman I used to go to school with, she will be able to help me and get me going in the right direction. I'm just so fearful of doing this through a doctor and it going in my chart. With working in the medical field, I know what is accessible and what employers are able to see. That is what has held me back this far, and because it's just me, I can't just take off work and go to rehab, or take off and go through the physical withdrawals. I would loose my job and also my family would NOT support me. I know that for a fact. That is what I wish I could do. Is admit everything and go to rehab, get off this crap and then rebuild my body back to a healthy state that I was in 4 years ago. It truly isn't possible with the bills I currently have, and the situation of no money would be coming in to pay them.

I know it sounds like I'm just making excuses or complaining. It feels so much better knowing these aren't just my thoughts and someone may actually be reading this. I hope everyone out there is staying positive and reaching the goals you have set!
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Unread 06-05-2016, 08:41 AM   #4
Sps218
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I also wanted to ask a question regarding the sub and feeling lethargic. I know I've reached the ceiling affect. This happened once I started stocking up rather than chasing a sub just when I could find it. Should I go a few days without doing any to bring it down? Then start orally like you suggested? Bc when I wake up, I don't "need" the sub, I don't feel withdrawals like I do when I've gone several days without sub. I did this Bc I am afraid of being without Bc I can't miss work. I am always with patients and have to be in a great mood, and always on my feet moving from open to close.
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Unread 06-05-2016, 09:32 AM   #5
Sps218
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Posts: 5
Unhappy Abused Sub...is this achievable?

Nancy, please forgive me if I am posting in the wrong area. I've read over several tapering posts over the weekend. My question to anyone out there is how should one start to taper sub, when that was the DOC and abused? In "my" thread I explain my story. I started out a abusing subs and taking way more than needed. So, my body is already used to subs. Abused subs just like pain pills, not considering the half-life and power of this drug.

Does anyone have a similar story? Does anyone have any information for a situation like this? What is best for my body? Is it realistic to think that my body can begin to taper using the same drug that was abused for 2.5 years now? (While continuing the work a full-time job as well)

Any information anyone can provide is greatly appreciated. I want my health and life back. I have no urge to use other drugs. I have no desire to abuse the sub. I want to do what is needed to get off and feel normal. Is this achievable?
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Unread 06-05-2016, 07:34 PM   #6
NancyB
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Hi Sps218, I've merged your posts into one thread so it's all in one place and easier to refer back to your story (first post now).

As for tapering, it's your mind, not your body that you need to address. The medication is the medication. You are misusing it by snorting it, but besides from the mode of administration, the medication has the same properties - the long halflife, the blocking of the mu receptors, the ceiling effect. You are manipulating it to get an effect you desire from it. You really have to modify the addictive behavior and address everything that's causing you distress. Once you start taking it correctly, address what you need to, then think about starting a taper.

When used as prescribed, sublingual buprenorphine is indicated to stop cravings and withdrawals so that the patient can work on the psycho-social aspects of addiction without being dragged down by the cravings and withdrawals.

You could wait until you're in a little bit of withdrawals and then take it sublingually. Or you could try tomorrow just to start taking it sublingually. It's whatever you think will work best for you.

Nancy
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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