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Unread 03-27-2015, 07:00 PM   #1
Alexis
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Hello everyone, im a little nervous about speaking about this, writing it down, making it real.

I have BPD and bipolar and for the past 6 years i have used alcohol to cope. If something goes wrong, no matter how small, i drink a lot. If i feel sad, lonely, depressed, i drink a lot. It has led to me self harming and two suicide attempts.

The past year ive gained more control over my mental health, but still use alcohol to cope.

I also cant just have one or two drinks, if i start, i have to go to the extreme.

I dont drink everyday, sometimes going weeks without drinking but i think about it a lot, it makes me happier (at the time!) I have tried to just stop altogether but always go back to it.

Ive recently been trying to lose some weight as well, and my trainer has said to stop drinking completely. I didnt think it would be such a big deal, but it is. I cant stop, if im in the mindset that i dont drink my anxiety over not having something to cope with is horrible. And the cycle of not losing weight, hating myself etc etc begins
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Unread 03-27-2015, 10:18 PM   #2
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Alexis, Thank you for writing here. It shows you understand that you need support to get sober. Yes, it is real and writing, or talking about it, gets it out in the open so you can work on getting better. Secrets keeps one sick. You mention your "trainer" but do you also have a physician that you can work with-or a counselor that you can work through things with. There are solutions and asking for support here is a great first step. You are worth it so keep in touch.

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Unread 03-27-2015, 11:50 PM   #3
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Welcome to our forum, Alexis! You have already taken the first step. Alcohol exacerbates any mental and/or emotional disorder, but I'm sure you already know that. If you are ready to quit, keep reading these threads. It's all here. Stay with us whether you think you are ready or not. This forum can help you assess.

Glad you came. Susie
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Unread 03-28-2015, 05:24 AM   #4
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Good morning Alexis. Bright blessings to you!

Welcome to this family/forum.

Yes you do! As Susie says you have taken the first step and as we have all needed to that for ourselves, we know how courageous that step is, and how challenging.

You have alot going on for you and having experienced mental health issues myself can agree with you first hand that moving forward with mental health issues is far too challenging whilst alcohol becomes a factor. I used alcohol around my mental health issues to "feel numb"...or as a way of "changing my state of mind". Very soon, alcohol called the shots and i lost control.

Here i found i could share my anxieties and my issues. I am not judged, only cared for and suppoprted by others who have gone through the same as me. I come here to share when i am angry, upset, i relapsed myself a few weeks ago and i came here drunk, all the time and everytime, i would share, and everyone would care.

I think it is a good suggestion of Nans if you do not already have someone like a physician/counsellor to have a natter with, to see if you can find one, but do not feel as if you need to do this on your own. I come here morning, noon and night from dear old Blighty!!, i do so because it is a massive support for me as the folk here enable and empower me to go about my business with thought and courage. Your post to all of us shows you have both and more.

Welcome Alexis.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Alexis
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Unread 03-28-2015, 07:07 AM   #5
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Quote:
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Alexis, Thank you for writing here. It shows you understand that you need support to get sober. Yes, it is real and writing, or talking about it, gets it out in the open so you can work on getting better. Secrets keeps one sick. You mention your "trainer" but do you also have a physician that you can work with-or a counselor that you can work through things with. There are solutions and asking for support here is a great first step. You are worth it so keep in touch.

nan
Hello nan thanks for replying to me. Well he isnt really my trainer, just someone who works at the gym and did my induction, part of that was to make a nutrition plan and he mentioned no alcohol and so i immediately began to worry.

I dont have a counselor any more, but i can maybe contact my old one to arrange a follow up session and ask for more help.

x
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Unread 03-28-2015, 07:09 AM   #6
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Welcome to our forum, Alexis! You have already taken the first step. Alcohol exacerbates any mental and/or emotional disorder, but I'm sure you already know that. If you are ready to quit, keep reading these threads. It's all here. Stay with us whether you think you are ready or not. This forum can help you assess.

Glad you came. Susie
Hi Susie, yes i know the alcohol doesnt help, will mess with my medication and make any depressed thoughts worse (the next day)

I feel so good on alcohol though, confident like i can do anything. Even after just one drink i feel happy. I suppose thats the problem with any drug.

Thanks for your input its appreciated x
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Unread 03-28-2015, 07:14 AM   #7
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Tryn, im happy you replyed to me. I spent a lot of last night reading much of your thread. Im so glad you are still here and I am happy you showed strength to get through some of your tougher moments.

I also use alcohol to feel numb and to enter new, better states of mind. Its dangerous i know.

I feel under constant pressure because im an artist, and founder of a major art organisation which is responding to and working on the stigma and positivity that art can give mental health sufferers. I feel under pressure to not get ill again, to not end up in hospital again. I feel im giving hope to many people that we get better. Drink helps with those pressures. Makes me seem and sound confident.

Im also from England Tryn rainy day today! x
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Unread 03-28-2015, 10:49 AM   #8
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Alexis, Welcome to this site. I am an alcoholic who thought I could never stop as I tried several times for months on end only going back. I drank for 42 years. I roared through loved one lives. Life was all about me.

I work a program where i stay in today. I make a pledge every morning so far that I will not drink today. I do not look into the future as I don't know if I will wake up tomorrow. I think through that next drink if I have the urge. My program is that simple.

Good luck. Nice to have another person from across the pond.
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Unread 03-28-2015, 02:54 PM   #9
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Thank you R Lee. Yes trying to just think of today but cant help worrying about Monday when im meeting a friend in a bar.

Dont believe i can not drink, part of me thinks i dont need to stop. Anxiety is terrible today
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Unread 03-28-2015, 03:27 PM   #10
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Hi Alexis and welcome! You are not alone and if you can just think day to day, you can stay sober. You are off to a great start by coming here. Have a nice day and know that you are special and have some friends here.
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Unread 03-28-2015, 05:51 PM   #11
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Alex, Why do you have plans to go to a bar on Monday if you want to stop drinking?

Most of us thought we could not stop when we 1st tried to stop. Have faith & avoid people & places where there is alcohol.
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Unread 03-28-2015, 06:02 PM   #12
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Quote:
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Alex, Why do you have plans to go to a bar on Monday if you want to stop drinking?

Most of us thought we could not stop when we 1st tried to stop. Have faith & avoid people & places where there is alcohol.
I have a meeting there, i feel so stupid to think i can stop. i dont even think i want too, the alternative is terrifying.
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Unread 03-28-2015, 09:13 PM   #13
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Good morning Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

You are not stupid.....you can stop......fear stops you wanting to.

We are all here to support you.

Keep focused, be gentle and calm. Loveness to you Alexis
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Unread 03-29-2015, 07:21 AM   #14
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Hi Alexis,

Welcome to the forum.

You wrote "i feel so stupid to think i can stop. i dont even think i want too, the alternative is terrifying" and I'm pretty sure it resonated with everybody here.

It especially resonated with me as I fell off the wagon for a day recently. On that night, I felt just as you described. "How on earth do I think I can beat this thing? Why would I want to? I love drinking!" In fact, I thought about never coming back to this forum again and just going on drinking and smoking.

I came back because the fact is I don't love drinking. I know it will kill me if I continue. And I know I can beat it because I have to and I want to. I hate how drinking makes me feel, how it makes me act, how it makes me look, and how much it has cost me in time, money and health.

I came back because not drinking makes me feel much better physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I can't remember a time when I've felt more positive and energetic.

That's why I'm trying to focus on the positives - I feel brilliant when I don't drink, plus I'm a far, far nicer person. I've tried to stop drinking numerous times and I've always focused on negatives: drinking makes me feel terrible, etc. That didn't work for me because it made me feel depressed and in turn made me want to drink - a stupid vicious circle.

And I came back here because this is the first time I've sought help for my alcohol problems and the support, advice and - this might sound strange considering it's an anonymous forum - friendship I receive here is helping me tackle my problems one day at a time.
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Unread 03-29-2015, 08:09 AM   #15
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Thanks Secret Tiger, its good to not feel alone.

I feel drinking makes me happier, confident, funny, i always go too far though. I think about it all the time. Even more now im trying to stop.

Im terrified about tomorrow, my meeting. I know ill drink. And ill use excuses for doing so.

The advice to think one day at a time is fantastic, but how do you do that? all i can think about it next week when its a friends birthday, next month when im away with family for my mums 50th, etc etc

i feel like curling into a ball and shaking and being sick and closing my eyes to shut everything out
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Unread 03-29-2015, 10:49 AM   #16
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Alexis, Please read my post in regards to Helen drinking again.
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Unread 03-29-2015, 11:15 AM   #17
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Quote:
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Alexis, Please read my post in regards to Helen drinking again.
Hi Alexis, here's Helen's thread that R. Lee mentioned:

http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=29896

Nancy
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Unread 03-29-2015, 12:07 PM   #18
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Alexis, Please read my post in regards to Helen drinking again.
Im not sure i do want it more than anything else. A big part of me still wants to just drink every night, feel confident and happy whilst doing so, have the courage to do things i wouldnt normally do.

But another part of me knows that isnt good, and i should find something to make me confident and happy without drinking.

Does that mean i shouldnt post here? I dont want you all to think im not taking this seriously. I feel like a failure.
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Unread 03-29-2015, 01:41 PM   #19
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Alexis - You are NOT a failure. If you are an alcoholic, and only you know in your heart if you are, you will not be able to continue drinking every night feeling confident and happy. I tell you this because I tried the exact thing. Over and over again.

Post here all you want. We are here for you! If you have more drinking to do, you will do just that. I had to come to a point where I was simply at the end of myself - just really felt beat down - that I got very honest and got help. My help includes medication and counseling, everyone's path is different. I also am a Christian and I have a wonderful network of Gospel centered people in my life. I am not preaching, I am just saying what I do.

I used to think that I could return to that 'fun' part of drinking. It wasn't fun anymore. Once I crossed that line, there was no turning back. I am a single mom to 3 sons, I have been single parenting for many years. Sometimes things just suck. But I do not have to drink today, and I am SO grateful for that!

Please continue to share with us. The day that anyone is kicked out of here for a desire to stop drinking or seek assistance is the day that I need to leave. Take care! Be kind to yourself! Jenm
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Unread 03-29-2015, 02:19 PM   #20
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Thank you Jenm <3

Is having a dependency on alcohol the same as being an alcoholic? I depend on alcohol for definite. I think due to the media 'telling' us alcoholics drink from waking to sleeping then i find it hard to say i am one, because i dont drink every day.

I see a psychiatrist on Wednesday and im going to see if he can refer me to someone. I have had alcohol and drug therapy before, about 2 years ago. I only went to one session because because i felt i wasnt 'ill' enough.

Still a constant nagging in my stomach and mind. Drinking tonight seems so wonderful.

But havent for 2 days, today will be my 3rd. Ive struggled this weekend yet havent bought any alcohol, thats a small step.
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Unread 03-29-2015, 04:03 PM   #21
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Alex, Alcoholic drinking depends on what you do when you drink. No alcoholics are not just homeless, people that drink 23/7 nor are they just hard liquor drinkers. If your drinking is consuming you, if you are getting in trouble or your health is affected you have a serious drinking problem. If you wonder if you have a problem you probably do.

As sad as it is you may have more drinking to do before you can answer your question.
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Unread 03-29-2015, 09:21 PM   #22
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Hi Alexis!

I used to think the 'typical' stereotype of an alcoholic was true. Certainly (I) could not be an alcoholic, I was a teacher, had a graduate degree, was successful in all endeavors (except drinking but I didn't know it at the time) - I taught fitness classes all the time, ME?? No way!

Here's the thing: People who do not have a problem with alcohol do not think about drinking everyday, or stopping for a couple of days, or counting days without alcohol, or when they would be able to have the next drink, etc. I did all of that. Alcohol simply doesn't care who you are. If you are an alcoholic, or dependent on alcohol, you can answer that if you are absolutely and completely honest with yourself.

That is great that you are seeing a psychiatrist this week! Good for you! Be honest. Don't hide anything. This is your life, and you only get one. Take care of yourself! Jenm
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Unread 03-30-2015, 12:20 AM   #23
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Alexis, 3 days of abstinence is not a small step; it is a huge step! If you can do that, you are through the worst of it, and you can promise just for today, not to take a drink.

I don't know how ready you have to be, but I do know if you are miserable and obsessing about it, you have already taken the plunge. Now, just keep swimming!

If you fall off the wagon, tell us about it. We are not here to judge you. We are here to listen and support the ups and downs of your life.

Susie
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Unread 03-30-2015, 09:17 AM   #24
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Those first days are very hard, with your body wanting the alcohol. You are doing wonderful and much support to you. Keep posting and sharing and remember you are worth it.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 04:24 PM   #25
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Hi Alexis. Welcome to the group.

Not being "ill enough" is why I think I didn't seek help for so long. But as others have said, if you think you need help, you probably do. There are at least a couple of us here who didn't drink all the time, but have trouble stopping at one (or two, or...)

I also personally try to stay away from labeling myself. I don't call myself an alcoholic, but I know I have a drinking problem.

I will offer that the confidence and happiness alcohol provides are not real. The sober version is so much more fulfilling. Whole different level. You say you feel like you should find something to give you those feelings. Do you have something that you especially like to do?

I hope you'll continue to come around and post. Coming here is a great step, and I'm also glad you're going to talk to a psychiatrist. Asking for help takes courage, and I'm proud of you.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 05:24 PM   #26
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Alex, How are you doing? Think through that 1 st drink. You are worth it.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 06:55 PM   #27
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Im not worth your time. ive drank, you all knew i would. Im pathetic
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Unread 03-30-2015, 07:03 PM   #28
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You're worth our time and yours. And you're human, just like us. I sincerely encourage you to keep coming here and talking about it.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 07:23 PM   #29
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Oh Alexis, big hug to you, you are not pathetic, we all have alcohol problems tha'st why we're here. Each of our paths in live are different and that's what makes the diversity of this group form a bond that no one can hinder. Please do not think you are alone.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 07:46 PM   #30
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Thank you guys, so much. I told my friend tonight about my problems, she was as supportive as i thought she could be.

I feel i have let you all down as well as myself.

This is so hard. i hope the psychiatrist can help on wednesday.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 09:13 PM   #31
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Alex, You have let no one here down. We are here for you. Good luck with the psychiatrist. The only person on this site that can let me down is myself. Think through that next urge to drink. You are worth it.
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Unread 03-31-2015, 12:07 AM   #32
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Alexis,

You have no idea how many times I tried to quit drinking. I was 67 years old before it finally worked. If it hadn't finally clicked, I have no doubt that I would be dead now. My mother lived to be 101, so I still have 30 good years in me if I can stay away from alcohol. It is sure worth a shot (forgive the pun)! Don't waste all the years that I did. Now is the time to keep trying.

You are not pathetic; you are in crisis. You know the way out. When you are ready, you will do it.

Max Ehrmann said in Desiderata: "You are a child of the universe. No less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Take RLee's advice. Remember how bad you feel after you have been drinking. Hold on to that thought every time you have the urge. Look forward to the mornings without drinking when you wake up happy in the sunshine. You will find a peace and clarity that will only enhance your art.

Whatever road you take, we are here with you.

Susie
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Unread 03-31-2015, 08:40 AM   #33
Alexis
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Thank you for being so kind.

This morning i feel tired and foggy and poorly. I hate this. Im hoping so much that i can get help tomorrow.

im 26 and its difficult because my friends are going out all the time, and im scared i will lose the social side of things. When i meet up with them, we go out drinking...if im trying to stop, then will i lose my friends?
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Unread 03-31-2015, 08:41 AM   #34
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Hey Alexis!

The others are right. You are not pathetic, and you are not letting any of us down. Alcohol made me depressed, which triggered the self-hate and even more depressive thoughts, which led me back to drinking, and the cycle goes on and on and on....

I didn't "know" you would drink. I was praying that you wouldn't. But I will not judge you, not ever. Nor will I participate in condemning you. I am really good at doing that to myself, too, by the way! WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. No matter what. Take care and continue to talk with us. Jenm
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Unread 03-31-2015, 08:55 AM   #35
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Good afternoon Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

Alexis, my dear Blightonian, you are in Manchester......the canals. Overtime, the "breathing being" that is now Manchester needed to be built. It's industry required the canals, and they took many years to be able to channel the energy of the water for steam. and life its very self. Overtime those huge channels of energy needed to be grown, expanded, and most of all, new directions for energy and the being of the city grew.

Over here with us in dear Blighty, our engineers, architects, our ship builders and our factorys where envisaged far before they were built. A vision for the future, the plans that take attention, care and consideration, build great, great things. Surely it is much the same for the incredulity that is a human being?

How many times do you think the ship builders ships fell over? How many times did the banks of Manchesters canals collapse before they became the proud beautiful waterways they are today? How many coal sacks went over the side with the inimmitable words of....."ooooppppssss?"

Back in the day when my little'uns really were little'uns, and there would be times when they felt they let me, or themelves down, i would always give them a hug and say, "you haven't let anyone down, you are just learning, that is good, and that is all it is".

You are just learning Alexis, we are here to encourage that you are learning you can do this.

You can.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Alexis
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Unread 03-31-2015, 12:17 PM   #36
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Thank you guys

Tryn what a lovely post, really made me think.

I wrote some poetry today, if you would like me to share??
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Unread 03-31-2015, 01:11 PM   #37
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I'm so glad you came back.

I for one would like to read some poetry.
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Unread 03-31-2015, 01:43 PM   #38
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Expressive force fields of satellite tears erupt into stardust as hydrogen bombs implode

I give a sigh of ecstasy my dreams are finally enhanced; indecent numbness disguised as raw broken visions delight

Dirty insects tiptoe across my bones; the ringing in my ears is deafening yet unheard

Crunching cigars fog the room like misty nightmares. Your lipstick haunts my perception of melancholic desire

Your sexuality is confusing and captivating; you pull me close with kisses and push me away with open arms

Constantly charged with inadequacy, my body is insufficient, my mind unsatisfactory and my existence is pathetic

Experience recalls judgement, the LSD of life revolving around energy and failure to excel in all affairs

Mediocrity is not an option, success my only destination, my fear of disappointing overwhelms and consumes me

The termination of intelligence seems to be inevitable; and the breakdowns are more frequent and obscure

I feel hopeless.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 07:59 AM   #39
Alexis
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Seen my psychiatrist today. Been told I'm alcohol dependant which I pretty much knew already. Been referred to the community alcohol team who will send me an appointment letter in about two weeks. Wish I could see them sooner, anxiety is terrible, the worst it's ever been. Taken some pills but nothing is working.

Also been told I need to start giving myself some days off, take the weekends off instead of constantly working. I'm under so much pressure and I need to allow myself a break and not feel guilty if I'm giving myself some time to relax.

It's 1pm and I'd love a beer to to calm the anxiety but gone to a coffee shop instead of a bar and having a cup of tea.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 09:02 AM   #40
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Alexs, Take some time from works. Smell the roses. Think through that next urge. You are worth it.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 09:04 AM   #41
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that is a huge accomoplishment when you refused the urge, pat yourself on the back, just take it slow and moment by moment. You are a talented writer! Have a nice day.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 11:31 AM   #42
Alexis
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Thank you

Got an appointment for tuesday 7th. so sooner than i expected. Will be anxious leading up to it.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 12:47 PM   #43
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That's great, Alexis. Seeing a psychiatrist was a big step, and I'm glad you're getting an appointment soon. Your poem had a lot of emotion in it, and really gives a picture of what you're going through.

And taking some time off work to relax does sound like a good idea. As is tea!

Hang in there. You're worth the struggle.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 12:58 PM   #44
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Good afternoon Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

I am delighted that you have an appointment so soon. The Community Alcohol Team will be able to signpost you an appropriate pathway forward working with you. I am chomping at the bit to encourage you!!! as being in Blighty myself, i can confirm the support offered in Manchester will most certainly help you along your way.

However, it is never as easy as that. As you describe, you have perhaps too much of a workload at this time, and as R Lee suggested, perhaps taking a few days to spend some time with you. Ask YOU what ways forward you feel would work for you. Give yourself space and time within yourself. A year or 2 ago i was "crawling all over myself here". I was drinking, confused, frightened, no not frightened, utterly terrified.....i knew i was "gone". In a way, i came here to tell everyone that i could not ever move forward, that i had "been there, done that", and there was no hope left for me.

In my head i kept reading the posts back to me and all i heard was "no one understands".....they did......i didn't.

Then after 1 terrible drunken rage...because i was so angry at everything.......i didn't know the next day....i didn't dare look at what i had written....

Well, i had to didn't i?......I peeked through my fingers and i read 2 replys......

Saint said...."Breathe"

R Lee said...."Think through the first drink"

Those 2 men, with those simple words, saved my life, when i heard them.

Alexis, there is so much for you out there.

Breathe........think through the first drink.

Be gentle, try and relax with breathing and kindness to yourself. Loveness to you Alexis
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Unread 04-01-2015, 01:16 PM   #45
Tryntryagain
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I do beg your pardon Alexis, your poem was better than a poem, it is the building of a hand that begins to reach out. Beautiful, and painful, eclectic and romantic, words that make up the being you should be so proud to call you.

Your talent with words will only multiply the more of you.., you feel of you.

Loveness to you Alexis
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Unread 04-01-2015, 03:10 PM   #46
Alexis
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Yes Tryn i do hope so. Maybe im relying on them too much to help me, but ive been reading their website and it looks positive. Im terrified if im being honest.

The weekends im going to really try to relax and have time for myself, watch the football, go to the gym, or for a walk. Meet a friend for COFFEE

I remember reading your early posts and i could relate to you being so busy, and drinking a lot and people not knowing how bad things were. Thats me now, im proffessional and charismatic in meetings, i make people laugh, im told that im inspiration blah blah blah, when really, im dying inside

Thank you so much for your amazing words about my poem. That means so so much!

I wrote this little one when i got home from therapy...


I wish I could tell you that my life is like peppermint tea.
That it aids weight loss
Fights viruses
Produces a stress relief
And decreases tension
But my life is not like peppermint tea.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 03:41 PM   #47
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That conflict between how we feel and how others see us -- especially when they feel so far apart -- can be so hard. But I will say that finding your true self without alcohol can be extremely rewarding, and that there can be a balance.

I don't know how you are about this, but I didn't realize until I was well into my 30s that it was okay to sometimes show some vulnerability, and that others actually can see that as humanizing and endearing. Takes some of the pressure off to be perfect in others' eyes, and can help us to be kinder to ourselves. Just a thought.

Rely on everyone you need to. Possibly the most important thing to remember in all of this (at least in my experience) is that you are NOT alone.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 03:56 PM   #48
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Nice poem, keep it up, I like reading stories and poems. You have a nice plan for the weekend. keep busy and pamper yourself. Just one hour to hour and day at a time. You can do this!
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Unread 04-01-2015, 05:34 PM   #49
Alexis
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Told my housemate tonight about being told im alcohol dependant and needing to see the community alcohol team.

He sort of just said every 20 odd year old is alcohol dependant and its fine if im going out once, twice a week to get drunk.

Also that he drank loads when early twenties so he understands...

I really do get on with him and he has helped me a lot with other things in the past but i kind of feel downbeat about this.

I already feel like im over exagerating the effect alcohol has on me, i already feel im wasting the therapists time etc. This just confirms my worries.
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Unread 04-02-2015, 07:54 AM   #50
Sam Bailey
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Hi Alexis!

First, your poem:
Quote:
I wish I could tell you that my life is like peppermint tea.
That it aids weight loss
Fights viruses
Produces a stress relief
And decreases tension
But my life is not like peppermint tea.
Wonderful, Alexis! No, powerful--that's a better word for it. Strong, insightful....vulnerable. Sad, too. Yet. Powerful. Thank you for sharing it.

Two: Your roommate's response to you re: your alcohol issues? His evaluation of the severity these issues are having on your life? With all due respect to this person, since he may well be a kind and lovely person, regarding his comments on your alcohol use? His head his squarely inside his butt!

Seriously Alexis, he hasn't a clue what's going on inside your head, what clatter and noise and old ghosts are residing there.

Truth is, to SOME people, drinking, even heavily, was a "normal" part of their journey from dumb-ass kid to young adult. Most survived that temporary craziness of youth.

Some though, did not. For THOSE people, and I am one of "those," alcohol/drug use became a permanent part of my essential self. Like my arm, or my leg, or my ill-treated liver!, drug use was an extension of me. Unlike those other parts though, my use of dope and booze threatened to ruin me. And did, in fact.

But it did not kill me. See, I was one of the lucky ones. I recognized that addiction, in any of its variations, would never be a normal part of living for me.

How did I know this? Simple. My life felt like shyte! Substances (booze/dope) stopped "enhancing" my life and began to destroy it, to tear it apart. My life was not better for using; it was, in fact, far, far worse.

Your roommate, bless his heart, is likely one of those "other" people. Yep, maybe even a "normie." Poor bastard. (Ha!) He will never know the joy, yeah, joy! of being free of this effing monster, this g.d. demon that haunts us.

You, however, Alexis? You can be free of this damn nightmare of yours, free of that darkness that invades you. Yet. Only YOU know, really 'm truly know, if your life is shyte or not. And you DO know this, somewhere inside you that knowledge is there, waiting to be recognized---then dealt with, cast aside. Left freaking behind!

You can be free. And know what? It feels, life does!, so much better being rid of the ghosts. Somewhere near happiness, yep. At the risk of being totally trite, though life isn't always great, it CAN be, really ' truly---happy.

Keep coming back, dear. One day at a time.

best,

sam b
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