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Unread 11-18-2013, 09:21 AM   #1
slave
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Default Are you talking to me?! irritated, rage. opiates to Cocaine.

I've been on sub for several years now, longer than I was on vicodin for sure. (At least my pusher is legal now :-) I have had a few side effects, all of which have been helped by reading this very board (shout out! tks )

But I still have the most concerning... this constant state of irritability and rage. (everything irritates me, and quite often enraged to the point of cursing & throwing things. ) and a feeling of being overwhelmed at work, which I must add is a high stress job anyway.

I feel I should add (especially with the word "rage") that I'm non violent.. physically at least.

But I am a supervisor, and I have long since ceased being known as the playful comedian type of boss, now I am a son of a b**. And have developed a sense of self loathing too. I no longer like myself. All the day to day problems that come up, no matter how simple, irritate me and I have to deliberately make myself stop dwelling on them or they will consume my thoughts all day. People naturally avoid me, and I can't seem to connect or relate to anyone except my dog. (don't worry.. he doesn't talk to me)

I lowered my Suboxone dose a few times, and have leveled off at 4mgs, up till about a month ago, I was taking an extra 2 mgs at lunch time. Anything lower than 4 mgs in the AM, and I start basic WD in the evenings , So I am pretty sure I have found my dose. I wouldn't say I crave Vicodin anymore, but I do look back at the days I was using as being the only ones I remember feeling "normal" and happy. and treating other people the way I want to. I know there is something wrong with that. The only time I remember being happy and a playful good guy that I want to be, was when I was on Vicodin.

Sorry.. I drifted off topic, and that irritates me too. I have tried all the usual things one would, as I said I lowered my dose, switched to decaf, stopped watching Fox News etc..
Even talked to my doctor who put me on some anti-depressants. A few different kinds, the worst being Cymbalta, which after about 3 weeks had me waking up in the middle of the night thinking I was going to die, with a strong urge to call and wake up my mom to say my goodbyes.

Needless to say, I didn't have any luck with anti-depressants, and that irritated the &*%^ out of me too. (Don't laugh or you'll enrage me)

That is my life now. Basic "Listlessness" a Feeling of going through the motions.. It is hard to even fake it now, and I work in customer service, so I have too. and everything in the day is misery. from the difficulty undoing the top button on my shirt to going home after a long day of work, no matter how good we did, or how proud I should be, I really have accomplished a lot somehow at work... but it is listlessness, and rewards me with nothing but irritation and anger.

I am monotonously crying out for something, but I don't know what.

A footnote to add. (and a &%'ed up one at that).. to further my journey from rock bottom a few more steps down..
I had a gram or so of cocaine in a drawer at my house for years.. Leftover from the pre-opiate days when I would occasionally party on the weekends with those things I used to have known as "friends". Coke, while of course a dangerous narcotic, was never really addictive to me (at least I could keep it in the drawer) And I knew it was there. I mean, I know it's wrong, but it never interfered with my life really, except enabled me to drink more and date strippers.

About a year ago, a particularly irritating (though I am sure trivial) day happened at work, I remember being so enraged that I left for lunch, and came straight home and deliberately to that drawer. A mission I conceived and executed when I got in my car to drive home.. After it being there for years, I pulled it out and snorted almost all of it in one big fat Scarface line. It seemed to help, for a few minutes, or at least, instead of thinking about all the irritating things in my life, it consolidated my thoughts into one : "Where can I get some more coke?"

And, to further the things to not be proud of...I have been "self-medicating" with coke ever since. Which now irritates me even more. I don't know where to go from here, except further down, one way or another, depending on what else I have in my drawers.
My work now has random on the spot drug testing, and I live in this constant state of anxiety about that too. The coke doesn't even do anything for me, except "wig" me out. I just do it, ad I don't know why.
I will add that I have gone down a few more steps too.. Lately, I started taking an occasional shot of liquor to "level off" the particularly "did too much coke" times. All this goes on before Judge Judy on most days. Welcome to my life.

What do you think? All thoughts, and mostly prayers are appreciated. I can't believe I went through all this to end up here, on the last step you know?
I probably should be suicidal. But I'm not. It's like I don't even care enough to be. (something only a drug user would understand)

If you've made it this far..thanks for reading.
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Unread 11-18-2013, 05:38 PM   #2
HopeThisWorks
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I'll say a prayer for sure. Sounds like you have a lot going on. I would take a guess that there is something at the root of this causing you to use now and in the past. Have you tried any AA, NA, or therapy? Subs are just one part of getting off opiates. Same thing with other drugs. You can taper or quit but you need to fill whatever void you had with something positive rather than drugs.
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