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Unread 04-16-2017, 02:58 PM   #251
Alexis
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Are you home safe SD? xx
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Unread 04-16-2017, 05:11 PM   #252
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Hi, thank you for your concern.
Yes all is well. All 4 cats are here. The plants are thirsty but alive!
The flight was great but Ryanair's queueing system is super-crap.
I'm feeling pensive this evening. I really miss him. Unbelievable considering my reflections on alcohol yesterday. How something that has caused so much damage and hurt can keep beckoning and seeming attractive. I have to make him not an option either. I really have to but maybe if I go and see him I can get closure? Now that I'm feeling strong enough to face him?
I don't know but it's a niggling thought. Been there a while. Maybe that's what the Easter deadline was. Who knows? I feel a little bit mad to be honest but it's probably just from travelling.
Any nice plans for tomorrow? I'll be doing my invoices yawn then gardening rain or shine!
Love
Xxxxxxx
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Unread 04-16-2017, 05:16 PM   #253
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Hey SD. I think only you can know if going to see him will be right or not. If you think hard, what is the answer? If getting closure if just an excuse to see him then maybe dont go....but if it really is to get closure and to ensure he doesnt contact you anymore then maybe its ok?

One thought....can you tell the prison to not send his letters? Or the postman to not deliver from a certain address? That way you wont get these reminders/triggers each time?

Most important thing is to think of yourself first. Do what feels right for you. And right for you (in my opinion) is starting afresh without him. Its Easter, its your deadline. Why not start a journal? A list of things you want to do this year? Exciting things! Something to look forward to.

Keep talking to us, we are with you!

Lots of love xx
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Unread 04-16-2017, 06:25 PM   #254
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Hey SD!

You've just had a whole lot of mental, physical and emotional exertion. Lots of action, lots of drama. You're tired. You're no doubt feeling sideways about a whole buncha things. And why wouldn't you?

Step back and take a look at all the emotional zaps this life has sent your way. I mean, c'mon kid, you've been dancing fast...for a long time. Not all bad, no of course not. Yet bad or good, those kinds of events can be exhausting.

All that...to say this: don't do anything. Not right away, for sure. Give yourself some down time, some time away from the bustle of your life. Then, once rested, even a little, whatever decision you make will be a decision based on genuine reflection. Not rushed.

SD? You do not have to decide a darn thing today. Give yourself some time.

Now, all that being said, the idea that your visiting this man is going to be that one thing that'll provide you closure is...well, it's rushed thinking. IMO.

It's also flawed thinking.

But then, that's just my opinion. Nothing that you've told us here, about what he's said to you, what he's written, all his past behaviors---none of it suggests that he's going to suddenly become a changed man. Visiting him is, IMO, inviting more hurt and pain into your life.

You're a good and decent woman, Soapdish. You really do sound kind. Lovely too.

In any case, whatever you do, rest first. Catch your breath...then decide.

best,

sam
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Unread 04-17-2017, 06:59 AM   #255
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Yes Sam that is good advice to me. I feel like that's what I did just now in England. I saw that everything is alright at home. My dad was stronger and steadier, my mum tired but coping, my brother smiley and serene. I was able to just think about me and my situation and don't forget, I went to the sea. The wild and windy Irish sea. I feel so energised, strong and positive.
I feel like I have strong barrier around my heart to his manipulative skills, and actually that's a lot down to you guys.
Giving me confidence and wise words to follow.
What I feel is compassion. His letters show that he is completely deluded and desperate. I want to go and tell him face-to-face to get real. I have thought a lot about it. I can take any consequences going to see him may have. It is the cleanest way to stop the correspondence. It will be hard but I can do it.
His family have washed their hands of him. His lawyer keeps saying, "yes I'll call her" but hasn't called me. Instead of telling him, no way am I gonna call her. He won't do 2 and a half years. I've read about it. He won't get deported if he makes amends with his family. So he really should be writing those letters to them, not me. He's in the best position he could be in. He'll enter the social services system now. Get psychological support, maybe enter a work-placement scheme. He has to stand on his own two feet. So yeah, basically I'm just gonna go and rant at him.
I've written out a list of the violent acts that he did to me to keep in my pocket. I firmly believe his issues go deeper than just alcohol and drug abuse.
I've thought about him committing suicide after I see him. He threatens to in the letter if I don't go to see him, but I know that's his manipulative trick. I think if I just cut him off by blocking him at the prison or post office, that'll just breed anger and bitterness and hatred. So even though it'll be emotionally toiling, I feel like it's the one last thing to do. Does that sound moronic? Am I enabling again? Or is it indeed compassion? Is it for me or him? I think it's compassion and preferring honesty to blocking him. Am I wrong?
I will begin preparing to move back to England and that will be my life. I feel pretty solid even though I also feel hysterical. That's a massive contradiction.
The chosen day is April 26th so I may have a change of heart before then.
Today I'm doing my invoices which is sucking the will to live out of me!
And I want to varnish the front door.
I might plant some strawberries too later.
Good day to you all
Love and hugs
Xxxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-17-2017, 10:35 AM   #256
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Hi SD,
alcohol and drug use is just his self medication for his issues, the real issues. With rage that he has, there is no quick change for him... he's threatening you with suicide already....that's a narcissistic approach and for you to even consider closure for yourself is opening up wounds for you. Large areas that may not heal. Wait and think hard like Sam says. I've been dealing with a father and husband with rage for ever. I know. Now, in no way am I being bossy or telling you what to do, it's just that with your kind heart , you always want to help and fix things and you have got to put yourself first. I hope you have a nice week at school. You only deserve the best, big hugs with lots of love.
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Unread 04-17-2017, 11:06 AM   #257
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Thanks LD I will think some more.
I don't want to enable him or excuse him but I might be able to help him take a step towards change instead if this is his rock bottom. Maybe I'm just a little minx playing with fire. Maybe I AM the manipulative one.
I feel like I have to see him.
But you're right, I have to be clear on the motives why.
I hope you have a lovely day my dearest LD.
Xxxx
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Unread 04-17-2017, 12:19 PM   #258
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Im not sure what to suggest SD. Its such a tricky situation. If you have taken time to rest and think it through and in your heart you still think its a good idea then go with your gut. If you arent totally sure, then dont go.

He is not your responsibility anymore. You need to take care of yourself!

Any plans tonight? xx
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Unread 04-17-2017, 12:37 PM   #259
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when I was talking to that interventionist on the phone about my dad, he said we all long for control and I do see that in me in a lot of aspects of my life, I've had so many jobs......
so maybe your longing for that control in your life, too? however: you have full control with not engaging him in my opinion. but I will not ever tell you what to do and be judgmental. You are a strong person who makes good decisions and grows from them, so no worries, let me help you if I can.
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Unread 04-17-2017, 03:21 PM   #260
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Hi,
As always thanks so much for helping me work through this.
I think I'm just being melodramatic, like I've watched too many episodes of Oprah Winfrey and now I've got a bee in my bonnet about being so amazingly supportive he will become a better man. Am I deluded? Maybe you're right LD, I feel powerless and I'm trying to gain control of a situation that's been so totally out of control. But it doesn't feel that way. I have read of victim/perpetrator confrontation stories that have truly helped people. Maybe I can help him and that truly makes me feel good. I feel like he has nobody and that makes me so sad. You are right I am looking to fix it. Something inside me says my journey with him isn't over. I can't explain it really. But then I start doubting my true motives. Perhaps I could talk it through with a therapist I saw a couple of times 2 years ago. She knows half the story but it costs a lot and it is very disrupting. I'll probably just waste the hour crying and have to book a second session. Kaching. But yup I suppose I should do that instead of bothering you guys all the time. My thread should have disappeared long ago. I've read other people's and they seem to have moved on so quickly. Well every situation is different I guess. I have grown so much thanks to this outlet and your support.

What are my plans for tonight? Finish the godforsaken invoices of course! I am terrible! But I varnished the door, met a friend for a walk, had a nap, played with the neighbour's nephews. We had an architecture competition with the wooden blocks and play horses. One built a stable, one a farm, one a Coca Cola factory. I gave them each a medal. It was fun! So gotta work now.
I feel weird but good. Kind of elated. Like I have a plan and now more free time to execute it. I really think I will be fine if I go and see him. But I'm in two minds about whether it's actually pointless or useful.
Ok I'll stop going on about it and get my ass into gear to do these effin invoices grooooooaaaaaaaan.
Lots of love
Xxxxxxx
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Unread 04-17-2017, 03:57 PM   #261
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Hey Soapdish,

In one aspect, for certain!, your thinking is not at all clear! You write, about seeing your therapist,
Quote:
"I suppose I should do that instead of bothering you guys all the time. My thread should have disappeared long ago. I've read other people's and they seem to have moved on so quickly."
I've been on this forum for lots-of-years, have written a whole buncha posts and I STILL struggle with issues that other folks have moved on from quickly. I'm pretty good, sorta smart at some things, but other things often feel overwhelming. And I've re-re-repeated a barrel full of issues and self-concerns during these years. Sometimes it's just...necessary to wrestle with them, whether or not I figure things out. Sometimes I do, other times, I believe, I will eventually.

You too. It's essential that you stay, that you write, that you "wrestle" with these (dark) issues---essential for you, and for folks who might find themselves in a similar situation.

Besides, you are not a dullard; you're important to this joint, you add to the quality and shine of this place and I believe you CAN emerge from this sad adventure a better woman. In that alone you need to keep writing.

Soapdish? I could ramble on 'n on with reasons and arguments about why your reconnecting with this guy is a mistake. Truth is, I might make sense, I might be right. But I could certainly be wrong too.

Neither I nor our other friends here have the personal connection to this fella that you have. We see it, I believe, in a more, what?, antiseptic way.

That said, you do risk more pain and suffering by seeing this guy again. But kid, it is your life. And you have to make that final call, about whether or not to see him. It would be just awful if I (for instance) persuaded you NOT to do something...and that "something" might be the jewel of your life.

I believe I've ended up rambling anyway, haven't I?

Make your best decision. Keep alert; be aware of what your motivations really are. If you're in danger, physical or emotional, flee!

And stick around. Please.

best,

sam
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Unread 04-17-2017, 04:29 PM   #262
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Taxes are no fun but it will be over soon.you are not bothering us. Here to help chat converse and get through these troubles. Never apologize, my thread is very old like me....take care today.
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Unread 04-18-2017, 02:32 AM   #263
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I agree with Sam, keep writing to us. You are part of this family and we want you around!

I also think reconnecting with him will be a bad idea but only you know the reasons you want to.

We will be by your side no matter what!!

Love you SD xx
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Unread 04-18-2017, 07:14 AM   #264
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Oh I'm going to try not to think about any of it today.
Love you too,
Xxxxxxx
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Unread 04-18-2017, 07:18 AM   #265
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And thank you...LD, Alexis, Sam.
Thanks so much
Xxx
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Unread 04-18-2017, 08:05 AM   #266
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Yes have a day to yourself, forget about it for a while

xx
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Unread 04-18-2017, 04:55 PM   #267
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Not a dullard brilliant word Sam! I love it!

So I've had plenty of time to relax and that is great. Back to normal tomorrow. Then next Monday and Tuesday are also holidays here so I can do my summer planning and some spring cleaning. All the origami paper is mixed up and messy.
I think I'll try to go to bed soon and not sleep on the sofa again. I feel in real need of company but then I'd want him to go away again quickly, and I'd just be using him and that would be mean. I keep fantasizing about the police officer who helped me, weird huh!
It's better for me to focus on my work so I'll try to do that instead. I wrote to the therapist and requested an appointment but she hasn't replied, although it's still the Easter holidays. I have decided it'll be good for me to get it all out. If I push it down it'll just manifest somewhere later on. I feel sorry for her though because the first session will probably just be me crying as I retell everything. I don't know if it's any use dragging it all up again. I feel really weird. Elated but sad, steady but confused, I feel like the Alanis Morisette song ironic! I feel fine but I also feel like I'm going slightly mad. That makes no sense. So I'm going to try this. I should also start jogging again. That will help me, but I know I'll cry and look as mad as I feel.
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Unread 04-18-2017, 10:44 PM   #268
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yes, just have a day for yourself. keep talking about it and you can vent your feelings here if you want to. take care today.
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Unread 04-19-2017, 06:06 AM   #269
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Hey SD, how are you today? xx
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Unread 04-19-2017, 03:40 PM   #270
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Hope you are ok SD, hope you finish work soon! xx
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Unread 04-19-2017, 04:55 PM   #271
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Thanks Alexis!
I finished half an hour ago. Now I'm eating jam tarts and drinking lemon balm tea.
Tomorrow is market day horray!
Xxx
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Unread 04-19-2017, 05:16 PM   #272
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Sound a great way to end a day !!!! Market day woooooooo enjoy. Let us know what you buy xx
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Unread 04-19-2017, 06:29 PM   #273
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Have a nice market day SD!
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Unread 04-20-2017, 03:11 AM   #274
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Thanks. I will hold my head up high. I don't honestly care about the gossip. Fresh fish awaits
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Unread 04-20-2017, 07:19 AM   #275
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Oh yes you like the fishman! Hope you get a little bit of flirting done hehe

Always hold your head up high SD, you are a wonderful person. Love you xx
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Unread 04-20-2017, 04:58 PM   #276
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Hope works been ok and you get to finish soon and relax with your kitties xx
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Unread 04-20-2017, 05:59 PM   #277
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Hi...thanks so much. Thursday is a nice day. We have been doing a fun project based on the Mr Men.
I might ride my bike to work tomorrow. I hope it's sunny.
That's as far as my aspirations go right now!
Xxxx
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Unread 04-20-2017, 06:09 PM   #278
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The MR Men project sounds great!

Hope it's nice so you can cycle to work tmoro!

Did you get to the market?

xx
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Unread 04-21-2017, 03:49 AM   #279
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Thanks. Yes we acted the story of Mr Quiet. It was hilarious. It's a nice story with a cool message about friendship.
We also made up new Mr Men characters and made them with origami. My favourite was Mr Volcano.
Yes I bought my weekly veggies at the market yesterday. I found an amazing vegetable called agretti or Salsola Soda! It tastes a bit like samphire but I've never seen it on sale in England. Delicious anyhow.
And yes I bought fish from the fishman and now it's making me laugh calling him that Fishman ha ha ha.
Yeah, it's just innocent fun. I'm sure he flirts with all his female customers, although he did ask me out last time. I said yes but then I didn't give him my number, I just said "yes, ok, when you want" but then I walked away. Ha! Let's wait and see next week.
I feel really lonely in a physical way, so I enjoyed the attention.
I mean I miss intimacy but of course it'd be a mistake hooking up with somebody when I'm not quite right in the head.
So I'll just enjoy the fish and forget about it perhaps.
Xxxxx
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Unread 04-21-2017, 06:52 AM   #280
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Mr Volcano sounds awesome!

The new veggie sounds great too. Wish i had a nice Italian market to go to.

hahaha fishman well yes its harmless fun, maybe you could go on a date with him though, might distract you and you never know what could come of it!

Sometimes taking the plunge is good. remember what you told me about going on my date!

what am i to know anyway, im terrible with relationships haha

What are your plans today?

xx
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Unread 04-21-2017, 04:36 PM   #281
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Hi,

I won't have any problems taking the plunge. It's more like I need to hold back, because it would be unfair on the other person. I have nothing to give. I would only take.
I know that sounds horrible but I just can't see myself dating or starting any new relationships.
I am not worried about this though.
I am a little worried that I might indeed take the plunge, do something rash and regret it later.

The day was really nice. I didn't ride my bike. I got the bus so I could eat and I imagined myself riding my bike ha!
I worked at home this morning, then had lessons bam bam bam, one after the other, 13.00-22.00. Just finished. I think I worked well and everyone was satisfied and learnt something new. So I can't complain.
Now I am waiting for a friend to come so I can help him do his CV then I will watch an episode of Black Sails and go to bed imagining I am a swashbuckling pirate lady that everybody is in love with, but nobody can tame and then hopefully, at some point, I'll fall asleep!
Tomorrow is work work work. Sunday will be sleep sleep sleep.

Xxxx

Last edited by soapdish; 04-21-2017 at 04:37 PM.. Reason: 24 hour clock
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Unread 04-21-2017, 04:54 PM   #282
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oh arrrr to you , that was funny SD. You can do what you want, not everyone wants an intense relationship to start, so it's ok for you to be happy.
Your so smart, I had to look up samphire. I'm eating a protein bread with turkey and thick tomatoes. I saw a bunch of land today and found some blackberries on one part of the areas and ate some.
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Unread 04-21-2017, 07:02 PM   #283
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hilarious LD arrrrrrr

Ooh a shower of compliments. Thank you! I always have to look up the plants and birds you write about. I am from a town by the sea so I know samphire only for that reason. I love how our environments differ so greatly and how every species is perfectly adapted to its environment (except us humans!). The snow leopard with his thick tail that he can curl around himself to keep warm up in the cold Himalayas, for example and his short front legs and strong hind legs for leaping from rock to rock.
Oh blackberry picking, that makes me feel so nostalgic. Picking wild blackberries and going home with stained lips and chins.
I've never tried a protein bread but it sounds healthy! Is it the thin dark bread with lots of seeds and nuts in it? Maybe I have tried it, but I only like it toasted! I had rice and peas for dinner and now I'm going to eat a small Easter egg or two or three or...
Yes I'm being ridiculous about the men thing! I'm nearly 39 for goodness sake! I can do what I want and not make a big deal out of it.
Anyway it's all pointless because I still feel like I'm broken, and I'll stick with chocolate watching Black Sails.

xxxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-22-2017, 06:17 AM   #284
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Hey SD, how are you today? One more day till a break!!

Hope you rested well and didnt fall asleep on the sofa?! haha

How were the pirate dreams?

Love to you xx
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Unread 04-22-2017, 07:33 AM   #285
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I went to bed at 4 am damn me! It was completely my own fault for having a coffee at 7pm and another one at 9pm and then a packet of mini eggs! So stupid.
Anyway I watched 3 new Rashida Jones documentaries, about the porn industry and modern dating. I found them very interesting and relevant since I work with young people and their parents.
Often I feel like life was much better pre-digital.
Anyway, I won't start ranting sorry!

Plans for today...now lunch then 2 lessons. Then I have no idea! Probably watch the other documentaries ha!

Lots of love
Xxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-22-2017, 08:13 AM   #286
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You should watch some Adam Curtis documentaries ! although pretty heavy stuff.... oooh did you watch Making a Murderer?? And The Jinx?? MADNESS!! Heart in mouth the whole way through!

Bet you are tired today. Ive just cleaned the flat and feel much more settled, the sun is out and i need to water the plants. Then at 3, EVERTON

xx
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Unread 04-22-2017, 08:33 AM   #287
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Great idea. I will watch them. Yes Making a murderer but not The Jinx Ooh I'll check it out.

Yeah I'm shattered. My eyes are really red and I've got a lesson soon so I can't nap. However, I am lying on the sofa tapping into my phone, with Jedi, the most chilled out cat, so I am relaxing. Then I'll do housework, then another lesson. So I finish at 7pm. So there's no chance of napping. It's better to make it to evening and then go to bed at like 9pm. I've got work tomorrow morning and all Monday. Not Tuesday and not Wednesday, So I might paint the living room wall orange or desert sand colour. I am deciding. I've been weeks deciding ha ha!
So yeah really boring life! But that's ok. It's how I want it to be. I can't be bothered doing anything on my days off. I'd like to travel and visit places but I can't be arsed and it's expensive. Oh I'm so dreary today! I'll go ������
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Last edited by soapdish; 04-22-2017 at 08:34 AM.. Reason: Typos
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Unread 04-22-2017, 08:48 AM   #288
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sorry you are feeling dreary SD.

I dont think its a boring life, i think it sounds great, you get to flirt with a fishman, more than i do!!!


I cant wait for you to watch The Jinx, my lord it was so good!!

Hope the lessons go well and you get home and rest quickly xx
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Unread 04-22-2017, 07:01 PM   #289
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you up SD? Hope youre ok x
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Unread 04-23-2017, 02:25 AM   #290
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Hi, I made a paper dragon and then I went to bed at 10.30pm!
I am ok thanks Alexis. It is sunny today.
I've got lessons just this morning then gardening maybe and The Jinx

Xxxxxxx
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Unread 04-23-2017, 07:28 AM   #291
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yesss the Jinx...!

It is sunny here also. But slightly chilly breeze. I cant wait till its warmer out.

Hope the lessons go well. xx
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Unread 04-23-2017, 03:38 PM   #292
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hope you have enjoyed your afternoon SD? x
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Unread 04-23-2017, 04:48 PM   #293
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well, arrr to ya today Piratess, I made up that word. Yesterday, when there was no sleep involved for me at 1:30 a.m. till after 2 something, magnesium helped me sleep some. Just a little, you're like me no caffeine after the morning or I'm up a lot, but don't kick yourself it's ok. Have an easy day today.
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Unread 04-24-2017, 02:35 AM   #294
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He he he...Love it LD!
Waking to this letter from you has made my morning.
Xxxx
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Unread 04-24-2017, 02:37 AM   #295
soapdish
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Btw a female pirate in Italian is indeed called a 'piratessa'!

So spot on!
Xxxxx
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Unread 04-24-2017, 03:27 AM   #296
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Morning SD, have a wonderful day! What you got planned? xx
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Unread 04-24-2017, 03:39 AM   #297
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Hiya Alexis,

I am on the bus going to lessons, an exam preparation course. Not my favourite kind of lesson but ok.
I will come back at midday then I have boring administration to do and then more lessons from mid afternoon into the evening, with teenagers.
So I just want to do a good job today and keep out of trouble.

Xxxxx
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Unread 04-24-2017, 08:02 AM   #298
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Sounds good SD, hope the lessons go well and you can also relax and enjoy the day!

Oh did you watch any of the Jinx??

xx
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Unread 04-24-2017, 01:53 PM   #299
soapdish
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I haven't started the jinx yet. I am waiting until I can binge because I know I am going to like it! Maybe tomorrow afternoon. It's a national holiday here tomorrow. Liberation day, which celebrates the end of fascism and nazi occupation of Italy. But I won't go to any events. I'll just take a quiet moment to think about what life was like back then and those that lost their lives. I will read some news articles and then I'll try to enjoy my day off.

If I go to visit him in prison it'll be on Wednesday. The idea is becoming a strong possibility. I know I must keep thinking it through. I am only saying this because I don't want to be secretive. I feel like I already have so many secrets from my loved ones, and that makes me feel so bad.

I feel like my sentences are really awkward. I think I should go and relax or get away from the computer for a bit.

lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-24-2017, 02:23 PM   #300
Alexis
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Hey SD, no i dont think your writing is awkward or anything, you sound good.

Glad you will binge the Jinx, i did too....let me know when youve seen it so we can discuss

If your choice is to see him then ok, know i will be here for you no matter what. Just be careful and ensure you are making the correct decision. Maybe you and him will get closure? Just please take care and think of YOURSELF before him.

Tomorrow yes, do relax

xx
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