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Unread 07-13-2011, 09:42 PM   #1
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Default Advice please!!

My fiance attempted suicide this past Saturday. She had been sober for 7 months and fell off the wagon. We were on a break at the time, and she spent several nights with several different men "hustling". She called me from a crack house while slitting her wrists.....I immediately called 911 and sent the police and EMS. She is since been in lockdown unit of Hospital, and seemingly hates me and resents my action. She is facing jail time for noncompliance in a previous charge, and her mother and I are pushing for her to do time. She has been in outpatient rehab 8 times to no avail. I feel terrible for doing this to her, and feel like an idiot for believing in her.
I can't help but hope she can love me again after trying to send her away to save her, but fear she will resent me forever. I know this is may seem selfish....but I love her, the real her so very much............but I don't know how to handle this situation. Do I give her space, tough love, or my undying support? Any suggestions please. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Unread 07-14-2011, 04:29 PM   #2
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Chaddy - As anyone here will tell you, one can not get clean until THEY are ready to. I am a crack addict - of course in recovery now. also an opaite addict in recovery as well. But crack was my candy! Your fiance has a tough road ahead of her. Crack, in my opinion is the toghest (emotionally) to get off. The high is so good. But it will bring you down as it did me. Lost the only woman I truly loved. Lost more money the Greece is in Debt. Lost family and friends. It is a nightmare as you are living.

She will not get clean until she is ready. even after slitting her wrists she may not be ready. as far as she loving you when this is all over. She cant even begin to love anyone until she loves her self. I know this all sounds like recovery rhetoric but it is the truth. She will resent you for awhile or a long time. The best you can do it be supportive, but step back if she becomes abusive or worse. If you truly love her, let her go....she needs to find peace on her own. In the meantime join nar-anon or any type of family support group for addictions. Be prepared as well for if and when she gets clean there is an underlying mental illness. it is found in over 50% of drug dependent patients that there is an mental illness underneath all the drug use.
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Unread 07-17-2011, 11:57 PM   #3
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Dear Chaddyboy, welcome though sorry under these circumstances.
Imo you did what you had to do, I always learned that one always calls 911 if someone is even threatening or actually harming themselves /others.
Werdna had great feedback, so much of what was posted is on point and imo it helps to read from those who have been there, also educate yourself.
have you or her family ever been involved with Al Anon ? If she has been exposed to professiional help than they probably offered something by way of assistance for family and loved ones.
As werdna posted , she has to Want It for herself, Who knows what her trigger was? relapses start before we pick up. Please read Dopeless Hope Fiend's story here as well as the others it may provide insight hat can be helpful for you.
In the meantime , imo , she has to find her own way , her journey.
Keep us posted and maybe consider some type of support for yourself and as always this is a great place to vent! There is always hope, but imo education and vigalance are key!

Take Care, Carly
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Unread 08-12-2011, 02:19 AM   #4
Dopeless Hope Fiend
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Hey Chaddyboy,

When I read people's posts seeking advice, I try to "walk" in their shoes. While reading your post, I recalled when my addict attempted suicide. I also recalled two of my attempts. I'm a recovering cocaine/methamphetamine addict. My addict (ex-husband) is still out there.

The bottom line has already been stated...she needs to want to get better. You've got a situation where no matter what you do, you may still feel awful. Think about it...if you'd done nothing, she'd likely be dead, or seriously injured. But you did something, the right thing, and she resents you. Perhaps she'll see your actions were done out of love...although it may take some time.

In the meantime, visit her regularly if she goes to jail. Write her letters, send her cards, keep reminding her of your love for her. If she goes back to rehab, do the same. If you truly love the 'real' her, let her know this...she's still in there...the woman you love. She's not bad, she's sick.

Everybody's different. My addict's suicide attempt was purely for attention, which he definitely got. My attempts were genuine-ish...I was just too chicken sh*t to jump off the bridge. Cutting my wrists...that I can look back on as an attention getter.

You'd probably do yourself a world of good talking to a professional. And Al-Anon or any anonymous meeting could benefit you two ways: support for you and insight into what she may be thinking/feeling.

I truly hope you and your addict can look back on this time as one that you made it through...together. Best to you both...

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