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Unread 06-10-2014, 10:43 PM   #1
JimmyH
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Unhappy She Wants Me to Be Happy

What would make me happier than anything in the world right now is if she went and got help. I can't even type that without tears welling up, but she won't do it. I've been with my wife for 5 years and watching her kill herself like this is making me physically ill. I can't eat and my chest hurts. Many times, including today, I have poured my heart out to her and told her how I feel. How scared and worried I am, and how much I just really want her to be sane and healthy, but it's like a game! First she acts like this is the first time hearing about my concerns even though we've had this discussion a dozen times. Then she reacts as if I'm attacking her personally and judging her, so she gets very defensive and starts attacking me personally. She tells me I don't care about her at all and hearing this breaks my heart. I feel like I'm completely alone.
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Unread 06-11-2014, 05:48 AM   #2
JimmyH
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When we were married she had been out of the hospital for a couple of months. She had been in the hospital for an acute case of pancreatitis brought on by four or five bottles of wine every day for god knows how long. I didn't want to marry her if she was drinking like that, but after she almost died in ICU where I wasn't allowed to see her I felt like had to marry her, and she wasn't going to drink anymore. I thought "if I knew that drinking had nearly killed me and I couldn't do it anymore, I wouldn't." About 6 months into the marriage she had a few drinks at a wedding without incident, and this made her think she was 'all better.' She didn't go back to wine, though, she picked Evan Williams bourbon and has stuck with it ever since. It's been over three years of fights and bargains and threats and lies and I feel like I am going crazy. She has pancreatitis flare ups (it never goes away) and has a hard time gaining weight. Her mental state is getting worse. She hardly ever goes to work anymore (as an independent contractor, she doesn't have to). She recently got $58,000 from the sale of a rental house, and she'd always said that when it sold we'd go on a trip to Italy, but there's not even a hint of this happening. She makes $1,000 - $1,300 withdrawals here and there and lays around the house. The threat of divorce is always there and she has the financial backing to ruin me. I feel trapped.
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Unread 06-11-2014, 09:30 AM   #3
nan
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JimmyH, You certainly have a lot of issues to deal with. Sounds like the whole 5 years you have been married alcoholism has been a huge part of the marriage, and it also sounds like you have not educated yourself regarding this disease. The knowledge will not make you feel lots better, nor will it make all the problems go away, but you will gain an understanding of what your wife is going through and will give you more understanding of ways to take care of yourself, and ultimately that could lead to your wife's desire to seek treatment. You sure can't change her but you can change yourself. Educate yourself, go to Al-Anon meetings where other can share their stories of living with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a brain disorder and needs treatment the same as any other disease.

Do you have any family that is aware of the situation? How about her family? Do they know what is going on and how are they handling it? A book I recommend is "Healing the Addicted Brain" by Dr. H. Urschel. It will give you a good insight into the disease and how the brain is wired.

I hope you will look into Al-Anon too. It will be helpful to you to have a support group to work with you. Again, you do not have the power to change anyone but yourself, so I urge you to go in that direction. Best Wishes,

nan
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Unread 06-11-2014, 07:46 PM   #4
R. Lee
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JimmyH, Welcome to this site.

I speak as a recovered alcoholic who drank himself through three marriages. I did not think I was the exception because everyone I hung with drank similar to me. I was fired from my job over off duty drinking & got the job back through arbitration in 1982. I had already drank as an alcoholic for 20 years & I had 22 more years of drinking.

I quit drinking for seven months in 82 when fired only to start drinking after I was awarded my job back.

I quit again in 1984 for seven months to get my 1st wife back. She had been sober since 1976 & was living in her home town in CA. She made the mistake of sending me a get well card while I was in the hospital recovering from a ATV accident where alcohol was involved. I took that card as she still cared for me. She moved from CA to MI & once settled in I started drinking again.

I quit again in 2004 because I had by pass surgery & was laid up. That lasted for four months.

I resumed drinking for seven more weeks until I put the bottle & cans down & admitted I had had enough.

I have used a support group of recovering alcoholics to stay sober since. I will never be cured & it will be the 1st drink that takes me back just like it did with your wife.

Alcoholism is a disease of the mind & body. Our bodies can not handle alcohol like a normal drinker. An alcoholic has to hit their bottom & want to stop for themselves. If your wife does not want to stop for herself then she is probably doomed to death, jail, or a institution with a wet brain.

You do not have to live like your doing. You can seek help from a support group like Al Anon that deals with the familys of alcoholics. Read others that have posted here on this thread. Read CRICKETS post today & see an example that you are not alone.

You can quit making excuses like if I leave her she will destroy me financially. Do not enable her to drink by her being able to manipulate you.

As an active alcoholic we will lie, cheat, steal & much more to get that bottle. We will neglect our children beat our wives just to drink. We will drive drunk & kill people just to drink. I have dealt with people who have done all of this & still drink until their bodies can take it no more. Then they will die right in front of you.

I wish you the best.

Last edited by R. Lee; 06-11-2014 at 07:55 PM..
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Unread 06-12-2014, 06:26 PM   #5
JimmyH
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Thank you all. I have been doing a lot of research when I can. I have contacted my family and if I need a way out I am sure I have their support. I am at the point where I could contact her family (her father is a doctor), but honestly - this woman scares me and I know that would really enrage her. Her work is aware of her problem, but except for not being there very often it hasn't seemed to affect it. (we're both cab drivers which is an extremely flexible job) If she were intoxicated at work the board of directors could force her to go to rehab or take her cab, but she's very aware of that. Today I got the silent treatment all day (no texts) and on the ride home. Then she went to a doctor's appointment, but I can tell that she's either lying about the appointment and going to a bar, or it's a real appointment and she's stopping by the liquor store on the way home. I never know what to expect and it's nerve wracking. I am looking for Al Anon meetings I can go to. I need some kind of plan for myself so I don't feel like I'm at her mercy. Anyway, your replies moved me and I thank you very much again.
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Unread 06-12-2014, 07:19 PM   #6
R. Lee
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JimmH, Good luck. Make a plan & stick to it. This is no way to live. It might get her to do something for herself.
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