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Unread 02-03-2013, 08:43 PM   #251
Tryntryagain
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Thank you Saint for your gentle understanding. To me wisdom belongs very much to the beholder, much like beauty. Alcohol did not "come along in my life to blight it", and i recognise something that existed before, i recognise nothing else. I do not roll around the place, and believe it or not will be at work tomorrow, albeit just for the morning. I am not a broken person, i refuse to be. I am not a slow learner, but perhaps a reluctant one. I fear giving up the person that at least fights for every day, to acknowledge in time, there was nothing worth fighting for. I fear "stopping" to see who i am, prefering to give until i drop. That way i square my wisdom, and my conscience. I said way back in a post that i didn't ever want to run out of questions, well, i have been like an airport. Where planes "stack up" waiting to land. As the controller, this stack of questions are becoming overwhelming, and i am running out of runways. I think i have run out of answers.

I remember a quote when one says to another, "do you believe in intuition?", the other says, "no i don't. But i have this funny feeling i might one day".

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-04-2013, 12:17 AM   #252
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Tryn,

We will never have all the answers. That is how it should be. That is how it needs to be. If we get comfortable with our answers we lose the drive to learn, to grow, to move forward. The miracles of life are all around us should we look. The more I learn the more I learn how little I know....

What supports are you using to deal with your drinking Tryn ??

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Unread 02-04-2013, 09:12 AM   #253
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Hi Tryn!

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for you. Wouldn't that be nice? I would also make everything better for a lot of people (and pay off my house and other debt, get some plastic surgery, haha). Seriously though, don't stop asking questions. Don't stop learning. Don't stop growing. You said "I am not a broken person, I refuse to be." So - what do you need to do in your life to change it? What are you seeking? What do you really want? I realized I sounded a bit harsh in my last post to you and I didn't mean anything to sound that way, it is hard standing on the outside knowing the peace and joy that you can have is only moments away. Take care, Jenm
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Unread 02-04-2013, 03:46 PM   #254
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jenm, Sorry but you did not sound a bit harsh in you post to Tryntyagain.
This is a life & death situation for alcoholics. It does no good to sugarcoat anything with the alcoholic who still suffers.
A alcoholic who post on Friday that he had not eaten anything since Monday & has continued to drink throughout the week should not be treated with golden gloves. This is a sick person who could die from this disease of alcoholism.

I do not judge you Tryntryagain. I just have seen too many die of alcoholism.
My best to you brother alcoholic.
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Unread 02-07-2013, 03:21 PM   #255
Tryntryagain
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Hello everyone and thank you Jenm, i hear those feelings, and thank you R Lee because i know that is the reality. My words are expressed in this forum with "venting" and honesty in mind, hence it's a bit of a roller coaster.

Saint asked me if i had support. Yes i have here and those that i love, and they love me unconditionally.

This week i have laid florrs, put up curtains, a new home. Walking, and walking and walking, struggling to be up for that task simply because at all times i am carry so much. It is coming together. I have registered with all the utility companys, i have set up payments, i have given readings, sorted communications, and there is so much more to do. Holding this together right now, most certainly a challange.

Court next week. What will be, i will deserve.

R Lee, your post makes me want to argue with you. It makes me want to challange you about it........but i can't. You are right, and i don't like it. I will find a place in time to sit, and be still, i will be able to take this on board.

Jenm, your compassion was so welcome, and no, you were not harsh at all. Look, we all know this disease, and how it kills, i don't think one can ever be "too harsh". It is the way it is.

Start on the bedroom tomorrow.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-07-2013, 04:40 PM   #256
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Tryntryagain, If we were to debate you would whip my butt!! I'm no match for you.
I don't want to argue. I want you to be sober but I know I can't make you sober, so I'm blunt.
You are here because you want to get better.
If you ever want me to stay out of your situation just say so & I will let it go.
My best to you.
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Unread 02-07-2013, 10:29 PM   #257
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Absolutely not R Lee!!. I value very much what you say. I know it comes from experience and i am grateful you chose to share your wisdom with me. I am learning everyday, at least i am trying too. It may at times feel that my naivety is foolhardy, but what you see is my muddled up way of doing things. I feel lucky to receive guidance in my troubled times.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you R Lee.
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Unread 02-07-2013, 11:39 PM   #258
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Tryn, good for you! Yes we try at times to deny what is true so we want to deny it loudly. Honesty with self is hard at times but puts us on the right path, in my humble opinion. You're in my thoughts Tryn.


Stay Safe, and eat more soup!
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Unread 02-08-2013, 10:18 AM   #259
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Hello everyone, and thank you Saint for your encouragement. It means so much to me.

Today the sun is out for goodness sake. It is so unusual, that when i see the sun now, it feels like an old friend i have not seen for awhile. The wind however far more unforgiving and makes sure that all the people keep to their task of getting to where they need to go. I was one.

I was on the bus.....walking through the park.......went into a coffee shop, (very unusual) i let the sun hug me, and whatever i do i can not get R Lee's words out of my heart. They are resounding and following me like a shadow. It is a good thing, a very good thing. I am constantly thinking of how i can acheive a day without a drink now, and i am going to refocus again, and start again. It really wasn't so long ago that i had acheived dry time. I feel it will take me many years to become sober, but R Lee, my friend i do not wish to die. I honestly believe that within me is recovery, and i believe when i access that, there is much i want to give to others, it makes me happy. As an aside i found out this week that my application for the funding of a Language group, (the twist is that the children being taught have to have a parent/guardian with them so it promotes a bond of learning together), has been succesful. I am chuffed to bits for them. I now move on and find ways of funding other groups. My drinking, put simply, really gets in the way. I have meetings "around my drinking", very rarely in the afternoon. I have been asked, and i am seriously considering giving a talk to service providers, who know me and the work that i have done over the years in the drug and alcohol field, and a senior contact in a national organisation is aware of my circumstances and drinking. Together we have arrived at a place were we believe there would be benefits in giving a "telling the truth" talk, about the pressures that can lead a previously confident recovering alcoholic, in positions that are too soon, and not well enough supported. I would be the consequences of those shortcomings. As the people i would be addressing know me as a "confident acheiver", it would most certainly come as a shock to their systems, and it may prompt a positive reaction wereby service providers would revisit their policy's and stratergy,s of engaging alcoholics in employment roles without the adequate safeguards. I am also wondering if it will be carthartic for me. I shall see.

I would just like to end this post with thanking you R Lee for your last post, i needed it. I will try to make use of your experience. It could be construed that your words were "harsh" and therefore somehow derogitory, i chose to know that infact those words contained experience, honesty and strength. Thank you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-08-2013, 12:23 PM   #260
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Tryn,

My feeling is the speech will be prove to be very cathartic for you. The truth shall set you free.

Saint
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Unread 02-08-2013, 12:59 PM   #261
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Tryntryagain, Thank you & think through that next urge to drink.
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Unread 02-09-2013, 08:42 AM   #262
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Hello again, and thank you Saint, i feel more and more inclined to take on this challange. I have shared, that because of my continued drinking, i am anxious of my physical ability to "manage it", but that has been placated with the assumption that is actually why i am speaking on this occasion. I shall be corresponding next week about this and i shall let you know.

Thank you R Lee and i don't know whether this is a question or not to be honest. When you say to me think through that first drink, think through that next urge, i am never without it. If my eyes are open, alcohol, or rather NOT being with alcohol, makes me feel akin to gasping for air. I don't know why, truly i don't. Has it acrued over time?, Is it simply "learnt behaviour"?, or was i born this way? It matters not a jot i suppose in that, as i say when i am awake, i seem to have a predisposition, where i can not function without it. Or i THINK i can't.

It may surprise a few, but in my experience of fellow alcoholics, my use is almost "clocklike". I drink exactly the same amount, and exactly the same drink everyday. I have done so for as long as i can remember. I am totally "obsessed" with it. It feels as if that chain is broken, everything will come tumbling down. My limited experience without alcohol is like a drug in itself. I hit "highs" that are almost scary simply because only being sober seems to be their source, and for me that becomes quite overwhelming, and i lack the personal skills to cope. I get "lost" very quickly, and the inevitable happens. This course of events is what my little lot is about. As R Lee so rightly says if i do not find a way of navigating myself to DRY land, this is little or no hope. But i want to deal with this urge issue. In simple terms then i am one big urge. It is all i have. If i know alcohol is there for me to drink, i do not necessarily need to drink it, just so long as it is there. I hate it. Why am i so afraid of turning my back on it? What do i think will happen? I don't know. It's, it's pathetic is what it is.

Consequently i don't know how to "deal with it", i therefore bury myself up to my neck with things i CAN deal with, and nope, it doesn't go away. Moreover it creeps up on you, seeps into your very bones, and then takes you over like a machine. Then i have to manage the things i can deal with under this spell, and that what i could deal with becomes untenable too. Then, you're done. This is not self pity, it's the "route map". I have run out of time to take the right route. This is the time, i have plenty of things to be grateful for and to work for. The respect i have does not allow me to swear here, if i could, this post would be awash with them. I want to rip out my weaknesses and start again, as what does one do when they have a weakness in dealing with weaknesses?

Anyway, to those ends i have got a delivery from my supermarket coming this afternoon. I have stocked up so i have fuel to keep what strength i have got focussed, and so it is down to the "put it down moment", i am hovering above it right now, i shall write when i have landed.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-09-2013, 12:27 PM   #263
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Try'n,

I attached below a question from myself to a moderator here named Jerry G. who helped me with 'urges' when I first got sober. His response in blue below. It was one of those Ahh haa moments, where the light bulb turned on. What he said made sense and put it all together for me. I hope you find it worthwhile.


My question to Jerry:

When people have spoken of 'triggers' in the past I assumed the trigger was in response to an immediate emotion or one which recently occurred. If I understand you correctly the 'urge' is perhaps a response to emotions that have been buried or not confronted in the past? Yes?

You mention embracing the 'urge' in a caring way which on the face of it seems counterintuitive. It begs one question from me - How?


Yes it can be an immediate emotion or response to some present stress. But we are often dealing with long standing emotional issues that can be projected onto the present experience. It is confusing.

If one responds to an 'urge' as an unwanted presence to be feared and eliminated you risk appeasing it by drinking or by some other form of an unhealthy response. So it may make sense to regard it as natural, given the reality of one's situation, in other words it is part of the addictive process. It has become a way of life albeit an undesirable one. This is what needs to be changed. Still that is easier said than done.

Is there a part of you that hates the urge to use and for that matter hates the addictive presence altogether? That response re-enforces the problem. The way of addiction is to separate and isolate parts of the personality to accommodate the presence of the destructive substance and behaviors therein. The process of recovery is to reunite these "parts" into the healing whole.

Addiction promotes an ambivalence to one's own life. To diminish the role of this ambivalence one must begin to regard all emotional experiences and equally legitimate, and welcome, though painful. It means learning to love and care for something that has become difficult to love.

One must replace appeasement with care. As though the urge is an unruly ill mannered child that needs to be civilized and redirected. One must not allow the unruly child to rule the roost, nor can it be eliminated by throwing it out. When you drink that is in effect what one has been doing. Taking a vital part of our emotional family and throwing into the yard, separating chemically it from is place and role in the family. It is part of the family, part of the self. Without realizing it the addict has created this situation and upon realizing this painful condition compounds the problem by responding with fear shame and guilt. This may be why early recovery can be very painful.

Embrace is a gentle word. And if you notice addiction is one of brutality.
That being said, you can begin to see what you are up against. This can be resolved but one must remain sober to do it. We realize how painful that is. Support is key. Meetings to help with the isolation, allowing one to be honest about in expressing their condition and feelings. Talk therapy, to help resolve unresolved issues. One may also need clinical medical help to actually stay sober. Consider all avenues. But stay sober through out.
And then there is the grieving process! Oy!
Hope that makes some sense.
All the best
Jerry
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Unread 02-09-2013, 04:31 PM   #264
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Tryntryagain, I drank the same as you. I drank beer for 42 years. It was on my mind evry moment. I function around my cravings. Again my drinking was the same until the last 7 weeks. Then my drinking included whiskey. I could see drinking & other behavior going right out of control quickly.
The 3 times I had quit drinking the craving were there I just ignored them until I gave in again.
When I stopped the last time I had to use a support group to stay sober as long as I have. I could not stay sober by doing it all by myself. I had to give in & ask for help.
Have you been through an intensive rehab program? Some can only stop after going through rehab.
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Unread 02-10-2013, 04:31 PM   #265
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Hello everyone. Saint i want to thank you from deep in my heart for taking the time to share that with me. For somebody like myself it was poetry in motion. It will take a while for me to take it in. I have spoken often about the causes of addiction, the consequences to the user, their family, friends and employers. I believe the words you have sent me could lay foundations for the understanding of the "drive" to use. I am so very grateful you have shared that with me, thank you Saint.

Thank you R Lee, and yes i have attended 6 residential rehabs in the course of my illness, i completed 3. I spent 6 months at 2, 8 months at one, and did not reach 6 weeks at the others. The ones that i completed were 12 step recovery programs. When i completed one of them they gave me a "plaque" type thing, it was so sweet and lovely of them. It is on my wall, and within it it says, "in the depths of winter, i finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer". I still believe that.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-10-2013, 06:30 PM   #266
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Tryn,

Yes I get so much out of that post from Jerry. It hit all the marks for me. From his post I also notice he does not mention the physically addictive part of alccohol. I think that is because the physically addictive part is 'easy' to overcome. It is the psychological, psycho social reasons we drink.drug that is the 'hard' part to overcome, for me anyways. I think that is also why you hear from time to time from others that stopping the drinking is the easy part.

It's a great post and I get so much out of it every time I read it. I've read it several times since I posted it to you. It's a jewel for me, makes so much sense, and helped me to 'think through that first drink'. I'm glad it struck a chord with you!

Stay safe Tryn,
Saint
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Unread 02-13-2013, 03:06 PM   #267
Tryntryagain
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Hello everyone. Thank you Saint, yes it did strike a chord, it takes reading several times. Something that can be taken with you at all times in your metaphorical pocket when needed.

So tired, just so, so tired. Nothing else to say.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-13-2013, 05:08 PM   #268
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No need to say anything Try'n. We've been where you are. Stay focused, keep sobriety your main goal. Everything else will fall in it's proper place.


And eat more soup!


Stay safe,
Saint
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Unread 02-13-2013, 08:47 PM   #269
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saint View Post
Try'n,

I attached below a question from myself to a moderator here named Jerry G. who helped me with 'urges' when I first got sober. His response in blue below. It was one of those Ahh haa moments, where the light bulb turned on. What he said made sense and put it all together for me. I hope you find it worthwhile.


My question to Jerry:

When people have spoken of 'triggers' in the past I assumed the trigger was in response to an immediate emotion or one which recently occurred. If I understand you correctly the 'urge' is perhaps a response to emotions that have been buried or not confronted in the past? Yes?

You mention embracing the 'urge' in a caring way which on the face of it seems counterintuitive. It begs one question from me - How?


Yes it can be an immediate emotion or response to some present stress. But we are often dealing with long standing emotional issues that can be projected onto the present experience. It is confusing.

If one responds to an 'urge' as an unwanted presence to be feared and eliminated you risk appeasing it by drinking or by some other form of an unhealthy response. So it may make sense to regard it as natural, given the reality of one's situation, in other words it is part of the addictive process. It has become a way of life albeit an undesirable one. This is what needs to be changed. Still that is easier said than done.

Is there a part of you that hates the urge to use and for that matter hates the addictive presence altogether? That response re-enforces the problem. The way of addiction is to separate and isolate parts of the personality to accommodate the presence of the destructive substance and behaviors therein. The process of recovery is to reunite these "parts" into the healing whole.

Addiction promotes an ambivalence to one's own life. To diminish the role of this ambivalence one must begin to regard all emotional experiences and equally legitimate, and welcome, though painful. It means learning to love and care for something that has become difficult to love.

One must replace appeasement with care. As though the urge is an unruly ill mannered child that needs to be civilized and redirected. One must not allow the unruly child to rule the roost, nor can it be eliminated by throwing it out. When you drink that is in effect what one has been doing. Taking a vital part of our emotional family and throwing into the yard, separating chemically it from is place and role in the family. It is part of the family, part of the self. Without realizing it the addict has created this situation and upon realizing this painful condition compounds the problem by responding with fear shame and guilt. This may be why early recovery can be very painful.

Embrace is a gentle word. And if you notice addiction is one of brutality.
That being said, you can begin to see what you are up against. This can be resolved but one must remain sober to do it. We realize how painful that is. Support is key. Meetings to help with the isolation, allowing one to be honest about in expressing their condition and feelings. Talk therapy,

to help resolve unresolved issues. One may also need clinical medical help to actually stay sober. Consider all avenues. But stay sober through out.
And then there is the grieving process! Oy!
Hope that makes some sense.
All the best
Jerry
Thanks Saint. I saved it.

Frank
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Unread 02-14-2013, 06:36 PM   #270
Tryntryagain
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Hello all.

Tomorrow i will pay for my idiocy and dangerous behaviour. I'm in court in the morning. I hope this resounds with any out there that read this. I suggest that you put in your wallet, where your driving licence is, on the other side put a picture of your loved one/ones, and anytime you are struggling, before you get in a car, open your wallet.

I am going on my own, with a suit and no representation. There is none. I shall stand tall and apologise to the court. In my heart i will always thank whatever and whoever there is out there, that no one was hurt.

It's 10.30pm where i am, and i am ready for bed. I am sober, only 25 mins to go to be sure i will remain so, i have spent the day "thinking through that first drink, consequences etc", (thank you R Lee), i have no nails left, and i am bald where i shouldn't be.

Whatever i get, i will deserve.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-14-2013, 07:51 PM   #271
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Tryn,

It's easy for us to drink our problems away. Congrats to you for staying sober during what is a difficult time for you. I'll be with you in spirit.

Saint
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Unread 02-15-2013, 10:46 AM   #272
Tryntryagain
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Hello everyone, and thank you for being with me Saint. It's over in that i have been given my punishment. I was fined 440 pounds and banned from driving for 3 years. This is my third offence, not only do i think the punishment is just, i feel lucky it was limited to that.

I am sober, but in a very strange place. It is like floating within yourself. So much is happening, new home, court, blah, blah, blah, and all the things i should have learnt when i was younger are twirling around me like a surreal dance. My weaknesses so full on. When i was in court this moring they gave me my "deposition', wich is basically my previous convictions. Goodness me what a miserable life. How lucky therefore i am to be here now.

It is the "being here now", that is driving me on. That is my motivation, i am alive and lucky to be so.

That's as far as i have got to today.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-15-2013, 10:56 AM   #273
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Tryntryagain, So glad you are sober. Keep moving ahead.

By the way what is the blood alcohol count in England to be concidered drunk driving?

My beat to you.
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Unread 02-15-2013, 11:04 AM   #274
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Tryn,

When sober you get to deal with life on life's terms. Not always pleasant or what we think we want from life but dealing with it sober can be our own reward at times. Congrats on staying sober to this moment...

You can call them weakness if you want or you can call them things you would like to work on and improve upon. Stay positive, change the things you can, get assistance for the things you can't.

Stay safe my friend,
Saint
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Unread 02-15-2013, 12:53 PM   #275
Tryntryagain
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Thank you Saint and thank you R Lee. In England the limit is 35. They will not prosecute until 40. My readings were 79 and 77. They take the lowest reading for court. In law i was more than twice the limit. It means nothing to me. I know i will never get behind the wheel again. I have not killed anyone, that is not my defence, it is my luck.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-15-2013, 03:08 PM   #276
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Tryntryagain, In Michigan where I live & in most all the United States it is 0.08g per 100ml of blood. Maybe you have a diffrent system or the law is harder in England.
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Unread 02-16-2013, 05:22 PM   #277
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Hello everyone. Saint, you're a saint!, thank you, and R Lee, i don't know the "maths" that way round, you blow into the thing, over 35 you're nicked, at the cop shop over 40 and you are staying for the night.

I am sober, and on that "high" that i told you scares me. I also have a question. Knowing that my actions could have killed someone, now i have been punished, am i "ok" morally to punch the air now it is over?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-17-2013, 12:37 AM   #278
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Tryn,


It's not over.....

Congrats on being sober today.

Continue to work your program and good things lie ahead.

The times I felt on top of the world are the times I was most vulnerable to picking up. Today I know I am not better than booze. Alcohol will kill me.


Stay safe my friend,
Saint
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Unread 02-17-2013, 10:25 AM   #279
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Hello all, and thank you Saint.

I just want to say that today is my 4th day without alcohol. I got through my "high" yesterday and today i feel desperately low. I have taken into account that the last 4 weeks or so have been extremely stressful. My actions of course compounded my situation, and i have tried to retain as much dignity as i can muster, and most certainly being without alcohol however through these last few days has helped me immeasurably. But it is very much "after the Lords mayors show" at the moment. My anxiety looping the loop within me seemingly with no where to go. But i am happy i am not drinking today. I don't want to drink today, and i want to satrt the new week sober and calm. I shall just take each day, (actually is each "half" day at the moment), and i feel lonely and somewhat sad. On reflection, i think it is natural that i am feeling this way, so i am trying to let it wash over me. Let it come, and then let it go. Sobriety my aim, and as you have so rightly said Saint, if i do not chose and find sobriety, alcohol will kill me.

Finally on a note of optimism, it is a beautiful day here. The sun is coming through my stained glassed windows and colours are dancing around almost as if they were trying to be my friend. I am so lucky i am alive, i am so very lucky to have this forum, this guidance and compassion. I feel it is pertinent to say "Thank you", at intervals, this is such a time. Thank you all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-17-2013, 01:33 PM   #280
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Tryntryagain, great news about you not drinking. Taking it at a moment at a time is how you will have to work it right now.
I could not get sober by myself. I needed a support group. If I felt lonely I had a sponcer or someone in my support group to call.
HALT is a word I had to watch out for. Hungry, Alone, Lonely, Tired. If I felt any of these I had to take action.
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Unread 02-17-2013, 04:57 PM   #281
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Thank you R Lee. I am still sober, but sobriety makes me realise i don't eat. Next step food, hopefully soon. How does one eat food when they actively turn it away? How does that change? Anyway, sobriety will have the answers, i'm sure.

Thank you R Lee.

Be peaceful be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you R Lee and all.
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Unread 02-21-2013, 03:46 PM   #282
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Try, EAT! The monster comes out of nowhere and does it's best work coaxing you to drink when you don't eat. The ole H.A.L.T. Take care,

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Unread 02-21-2013, 04:10 PM   #283
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Hi Tryn!

You are an amazing, smart, gifted person. Please try to eat something. I get the same way about not eating, I have a background which includes an eating disorder. Like alcoholism, it is remission but it will always be there. Soup or crackers is something I try to eat when I don't feel much like eating. With sobriety, sometimes in the beginning I had to literally look at the clock. It wasn't a whole day at a time for me then, it was getting through the next hour or two hours or whatever without drinking. It worked, and when things get tough, I still break that whole day down into little pieces.

I am thankful for you and everyone else here that is so open and helpful. I have been out to the store and library. My 3 boys are home now and we are bracing, waiting for this big huge winter storm to hit central Iowa. They say the snow is just south of us now, and it will dump maybe a foot of snow. Take care! Jenm
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Unread 02-21-2013, 11:31 PM   #284
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Tryn,

Hope today finds you well. I've been thinking of you. Post when you get the chance.
We've all been where you are. I asked my counselor once what the secret to sobriety was. She told me "don't drink". It is a simple concept, deceivingly simple. Normal people don't need to drink every day, alcoholics do. One drink is never enough. Work your program, one day at a time. We're here for you and want to know how you are.

Regards,
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Unread 02-24-2013, 08:47 AM   #285
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Hello everyone. Jenm thank you for your kind words. I have very few "knowns as facts" in my life, one of them however is knowing that every single one of us are amazing and gifted. I have never met anyone who is not all of the above. It is a mighty good thing to hear from another, when one is feeling everything but. Thank you.

Saint, thank you does not really cover it. I have come to know you through your words and experience, and in doing so i can see your empathy and also feel the warmth of your compassion. That is true of R Lee and all that have been there for me on this blasted journey.

What i would like to share with you is "off the wall", quite what i am doing i concede i do not know.

You know that the drunken car crash has been dealt with, you know that i have just moved into a new home after years with not a stitch in it. Presumably you can therefore assume there is much to do. I was sober for 5 days during which i accomplished much i would not have done so in drink. Things seem to be going on an upward curve, i was ploughing through the tasks before me and i sat one night in this empty flat, (it was getting there, new floors, curtains etc, etc), and i got overwhelmed with fear. Nothing to worry about should you have been in the room, just "fear" cascading down and into me.

As alcoholics it would not surprise you to know that i succumbed. What"..... pop up to the local did you for a few jars and now regret it? None of it.

Sometimes i wish i could swear, entirely appropriate.

I got my coat, my credit card and my passport. I went to the airport and booked a flight to the first flight i saw on the board. It happened to be Geneva. I waited for 2 hours at the airport for the flight i spent that time at the bar. I got on the flight and was almost "badgering" the flight crew for a drink, i got one. As soon as the flight took off i was consumed with guilt. I drank more. I got off at Geneva, went into an airport bar, drank, was refused the first flight home, but was allowed on the second. I will not be invited back to Geneva again in a hurry. I am almost certain, an off licence would have been cheaper and closer.

So i conclude that i am no longer "with it". With the life i have lived i have always found one way or another to "justify my lot", but not this time. Not since my drunken accident, i haven't been able to square anything, for sure. It was almost as if having survived this long, (and getting away without ever hurting anyone, luck, not judgement), i have now accpted there are no excuses. You really are on your own with the decisions that you make. Forgive my naivity and immaturity, but there are reasons behind that.

I am utterly, utterly lost. I am seeking no answers from anyone, there are none, only those that i find for myself. Anyone got a coin....heads or tails?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-24-2013, 12:11 PM   #286
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Tryntryagain, Admitted we were powerless over alcohol & that our lives are unmanageable took me on to a journey of sobriety just 1 day at a time. The we & our means I did not get sober by myself. I had to use a support group.
I don't know what I will do if I pick up that 1st drink.
Your list of friends & opportunities are getting shorter.
Next time think that 1st drink through. I have a group of recovering alcoholics I can call before I pick up that 1st drink.
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Unread 02-24-2013, 12:44 PM   #287
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Thank you R Lee.

I just don't have the words. I am perfectly capable of explaining myself, but i have no words left. My heart seems to be broken, and i don't know what broke it. When i open my mouth to express to you, it is no longer worth it. R Lee, i just want a hug from you.

Many will say "it won't get you anywhere", i can say that it helps you on your way.

Boy do i need a hug.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-24-2013, 09:11 PM   #288
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Here is a great big HUG Tryn!!!!!!!

I'm here to suggest what you may want to do to stay sober for the rest of today.

It works for me. Such a simple message. I can't stay sober by myself. If I get the desire to drink I hope I use my support group. If I try to do this alone I will just be back out there drinking my life away.

Find someone who has some sobriety. Don't pick a friend. Pick someone who will be real with you & call you on your B.S.

You are going to die,go insane or end up in jail.

Live by your words! Be peaceful, be healthy & be strong.

You can not be peaceful with all this turmoil. You can't be healthy full of booze. You can't be strong if you are not willing to turn your life over & accept someone's suggestions that has been where you are.

Now how about another Hug. You are worth it.
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Unread 02-25-2013, 10:01 AM   #289
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Tryn,

Here's another (((((hug)))). Yes you do deserve it. You do deserve sobriety. Addiction will steal everything we hold dear if we let. I never wanted my daughter to have an alcoholic father. There were times when she was younger I would not kiss her good night because Idid not want her to smell the booze on my breath. I hated myself for that ...... But I still drank for another 10 years..... I was talking to my girlfriend about you, your struggles and she thought your plane trip was crazy. I told her I didn't. I totally understand. She has never seen me drink and can't imagine me drinking. I told her how I used to stand alone in my kitchen, pull the 1/2 gallon tequila bottle out of the cabinet and drink straight from it, chasing a beer. I have that image stamped in my mind. Normal people don't do that....that is crazy addictive behavior. Love yourself Tryn. Love yourself enough to reach out And get the support you need when you can't do it for yourself. Addicts Isolate themselves to stay in their addiction.... We run and hide, do what we need to to feed the disease. We need to break the pattern. When we want to run is when we need to reach out the most.....


Stay safe my friend,
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Unread 02-25-2013, 10:02 AM   #290
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And here's another (((((hug))))!!!!!!!
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Unread 02-25-2013, 11:42 AM   #291
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Hello everyone. Saint, R Lee, thank you, thank you, thank you. You will have no idea how much those hugs meant to me. I am a fellow that never lets anyone anywhere near me, even if i wish it. When i asked for a hug, i was not being salacious or silly, i really needed one. I felt your arms around me, and after just turning on my computer, those hugs turned me into a quivering mess of tears and "giving upness". I really have "had it".

R Lee you are right. There are only two places i will end up, dead, or in prison. I "don't do prison", i can not imagine anything worse in life, and dead, at this time, is becoming more and more of a reality. It scares me something rotten. I seem to be living in a surreal world that i also seem to making up as i go along. Nothing seems to work anymore. All my "reasonings" all my attempts to push these demons away only make them sidle up to me more. I need to save my life.

I feel i have no other option than to go to a meeting. If i do, i am more than sure when i walk through the doors i will collapse on sight. I am living on my nerves alone at the moment. Goodness me tonight i am going to work! I have to secure funding for the local community, my bath is running as i write. I will look absolutely a milion dollars tonight, no one would ever know. The fact i am on the verge of mental, physical and emotional breakdown will not be coming to the party. What frightens me is that when it does, there will be little i can do about it. I do not want that to happen.

I want, need some help folks. I am going to die. Not in the distance future, maybe next week?, maybe tomorrow, but it will happen unless i halt this crazy world i have created to live in.

HELP!!!!!! PLEASE!!!

Sorry, that was unfair. I know you can't. Pray for me eh?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-25-2013, 04:08 PM   #292
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Tryntryagain, You have given in & know that you have to go to a support group meeting. It is a matter of life & death.
Hugs to yoy Tryn!!
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Unread 02-25-2013, 04:45 PM   #293
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One big hug and a bigger prayer sent! You're not alone Try!

Frank
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Unread 02-25-2013, 05:13 PM   #294
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Tryn,

We resist change because we fear the unknown even whilst the present is killing us. Go to your meeting, we'll being standing right there behind you. You will find yourself amongst kindred souls.

Stay safe,
Saint
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Unread 02-25-2013, 07:30 PM   #295
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R Lee, Frankie and Saint, thank you.

I am going against all that i have known in doing this, please do not think me weird. I can only do it here, no one knows me.

Dear God, help me and my fellow sufferers find the strength to find the value in ourselves. Give us sight, give us the courage to open our eyes. Not to turn our backs but to open our hearts. Give us the grace of acceptance, and the fortitude of belief. God show mercy on those struggling now.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-25-2013, 07:36 PM   #296
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(PS, I won tonight. I got the funding reinstated)

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-25-2013, 08:06 PM   #297
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryntryagain View Post
R Lee, Frankie and Saint, thank you.

I am going against all that i have known in doing this, please do not think me weird. I can only do it here, no one knows me.

Dear God, help me and my fellow sufferers find the strength to find the value in ourselves. Give us sight, give us the courage to open our eyes. Not to turn our backs but to open our hearts. Give us the grace of acceptance, and the fortitude of belief. God show mercy on those struggling now.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryn, Forgive me are you reaching out to God for the 1st time regarding your alcoholism?
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Unread 02-25-2013, 08:39 PM   #298
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Hello eveyone.

Yes R Lee i am. I can not believe that i have these gifts and talents within me, that i am disabling, having tried all earthly ways round getting "it right", i can not. I also now believe it may be possible there is another way. R Lee, i am going to die. At this rate i will be lucky and it will be quick. I can no longer pander to my politics. What will save me now will not be my brain, my brain has never been much of a friend, but it is my heart that will do the trick. Won't it? If it doesn't. I'm ...... It will won't it? I feel i am taking a huge risk moving decisions from my head to my heart, but hey, this hole in my boat is making me sink fast. All hands to the pump? I should think so.

I have a problem with something i can't see, because i have a problem with what i can. If i can not trust what is before me, how can i trust something that is not? I reckon that's the heart stuff. Since getting away with NOT killing a 1000 people in my car, i mean there was no way, on that road, nobody was killed. No one was even involved. That does not happen. Unless.......

Goodness me i waffle.

Yes R Lee, i am reaching out to God.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-25-2013, 08:46 PM   #299
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(PS. R. Lee, He better be about)

Loveness to you
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Unread 02-25-2013, 11:26 PM   #300
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Tryn, I made such a problem in believing in a God. I was raised Catholic. I was divorced at 28. There was no way I was going to live alone the rest of my life. I remarried & had been taught that if a divorced Catholic remarried they were excommunicated. Well I went from a devout Catholic & drank myself into an Atheist.
I realy had a problem. Then I saw that I just had to be willing to believe that there is a higher power. I mulled over this for over 2 years until I realized just looking into the night sky that a human did not create the universe. I did not have to find out what this higher power was. I just had to accept that there was a higher power.

Now having a higher power I was able to tun things over. I was no longer in charge. I had to do the footwork in life. I could make plans but not plan the outcome.

Tryn, I have seen a major change in you. You are willing to get out of the way now just be willing to not drink. Get yourself to a support group. Meet some recovering alcoholics. Listen for now & take what you need & leave the rest. Now just try doing this for the rest of today.
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