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Unread 12-10-2012, 12:52 PM   #1
seventeenplus
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Unhappy leave him or help him

I have been in this relationship for seventeen years.. never got legally married just because I never felt like we were going to be together as long as we have... the verbal abuse started within the first year shortly followed the drinking and physical abuse... three kids several domestic assault, restraining orders. And now moving over 1100 miles away it is still going on... When does this end? I found out appx. 5years ago he was snorting.. then a couple of years later doing crack cocaine. Which that explains alot of missing things. He has never been able to keep a steady job. So I have been the one, paying all the bills food mortgages.. Now its not any better...we argue and fight ALL the time... He just keeps doing stuff to make my life miserable stealing my car.. money... not helping with bills or the kids.. to be honest I think Im afraid of him he always carries a gun... in the past 6mos he has been arrested 7times , lost his father, job and had my car impounded 2times...im so tired.. What do I do I have a stalker,abuser, and thief..who is an alcoholic and crack cocaine and who knows what else..He really is a good person when he is not on the drugs and alcohol which now he is wanting to do everyday now and is getting worse. any advise?
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Unread 12-10-2012, 07:22 PM   #2
alanw
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I think you just summed it up yourself..... It's time for you to move on and be happy, a relationship is for happiness and love, not suffering and hate.

You seem like a great person, I'm sure it won't be long before you find a great guy!
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Unread 12-10-2012, 10:55 PM   #3
seventeenplus
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I agree I am demanding my life.. happiness and love is what I need to be surrounded with.. not someone putting me down and making feel bad..
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Unread 12-11-2012, 01:43 AM   #4
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If your scared for your safety, can u get him arrested and put away for awhile? (Anonymously). Certainly being arrested that many times the cops and judges gave to be sick of his crap too. A long lil trip to jail might sober him up a bit. You have to worry about you and your kids, hes obviously not.. Good luck to you
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Unread 12-11-2012, 10:27 AM   #5
seventeenplus
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He is in jail now with his 3rd dui... These responses are reaally helping me. And giving me the support I need to move on....Because he calls everyday tring to get me to help him get out. But my mind is saying no but My Heart is forgiving and I just need to stay strong and do not give in... please pray for me
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Unread 12-11-2012, 12:48 PM   #6
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Hi seventeenplus, stay strong for yourself and your kids. Maybe stop answering the phone if you know it's him.

You need a stable and safe environment, and he doesn't help with either of those.

You are doing the right thing by not helping him.

Nancy
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Unread 12-11-2012, 05:07 PM   #7
seventeenplus
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Thank You soo much Nancy.. I am just lost at how to handle the kids I know he is going to say he wants to see his kids... he always does....
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Unread 12-11-2012, 07:20 PM   #8
31MOMof2
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Do you have full custody? Because if you dont have a custody arrangement then he has the right to take your kids and keep them until courts intervene. You each have equal right until unless you have been to court over it, my ex took my kids and didnt give them back for two weeks.I had always assumed that i was the mother and i had the right but that wasn't the case for me. Maybe you can write up your own arrangement and have him sign it in front of a notary public, and get it notarized. Im not sure how good it will hold up in court but maybe it will be enough to make him stick to the schedule until you can get things legalized or worked out, its important for you and the kids to have a set schedule with visitation with your ex/their father. Im just telling you what i have been thru. I hope it helps
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Unread 12-12-2012, 12:34 AM   #9
CarlyO
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Dear 17plus,
Nancy and others have given solid feedback, 31plus brings up an excellent question about custody.
You mentioned he carries a gun, that alone could put you and your children in danger as well as others around him. PLEASE contact a domestic violence shelter before something even more tragic happens. They will help you and your children with services that you may need including legal services.
As far as his disease, unless he wants to seek help nothing will change, addiction progresses, the consequences become more extreme and he may promise but right now I fear for your your family's safety.
Please seek help for yourself and the kids - you all deserve stable , happy life.
Take care, Carly
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Unread 12-12-2012, 07:37 AM   #10
seventeenplus
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Thank You CarlyO.. We have been tru it all....I really just thought that one day he would get better but 17 years later.... only worse... and everytime he does something he will be great for about a week.... then something crazy again... I have asked him to get help and he keeps on saying he does not need it.... He lost his father who they had a very close relationship... They used to do drugs and drink together.. His father used to abuse his mother and was addicted to drugs and
Alcohol aswell...
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Unread 12-12-2012, 03:45 PM   #11
CarlyO
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Dear 17plus,
Yes, one hopes against hope that our loved ones will seek help, read the posts here, on the alcohol forum and the opiate forum, you are not alone in a desire for your loved one to want to face their issues, to want stability, have confusion about what to do, every substance including alcohol has an impact on the family.
While I would never say never give up hope that one day he will seek help or circumstances may force him to get help ( though unless he Wants it he may just go through the motions).
My fear is what this has and is doing to you and the family. Imo- it may be helpful have an emergency plan, to seek out professional counseling and the services I mentioned above. Also, have you tried Al Anon or other support group, they are free, you can do a search to find one near you and they understand your struggle, your fears and can offer much needed insight.
Read the posts from family and loved ones throughout this site, off the top of my head you may find insight from 1418 and Hawaiilover's, Confused, Mendela's - experiences there are many more I am forgetting at the moment.
Also read the experiences of those of us who have faced our addiction's, some are in various stages of remission but it may help to understand the struggle. I struggled many years, I wanted to be free of the chains of substances but did not know how. It took my family cutting me off completely, no contact , my mother attended Al Anon and then for me it was facing severe circumstances until I was ready to whatever it took to recover. It takes work, everyday and finding and utilizing what works for me. So there is always hope, however my family needed peace, it was not fair that they live in crisis mode because of my addiction.
IMO keep learning, ask for help, coming here is a great start, there is support for you and family because you also deserve a quality life. Take care of yourself, keep safe, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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