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Unread 06-14-2010, 06:49 PM   #1
Wingsofwhimsy
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Default New here... Looking for insight and affirmation of choices

Hello all-
I found the link for this site at dailystrength.Org and am glad to have the opportunity to read your stories. Recently I gave my husband the choice between us (his wife and 3 year old daughter) and alcohol. For the past 4 years I have been subject to his extreme bad moods, rudeness, disrespect, non-presence and ridicule. There have been nights he didn't come home until 8 am, crazy rants and rages directed at me in the middle of the night, multiple blackouts, and more. He works constantly... When he isn't working he is home asleep on the couch or bed, or he's at the bar or shop drinking with his buddies. I've talked to him repeatedly- it seems like it helps at the time, but nothing changes. I walk on eggshells constantly. The tiniest thing will set him off- it's crazy.

I've given him so many chances, and I'm just out of steam. He chose alcohol over us. He is staying at his shop and has been there two weeks. I feel bad because I know he wants to come home- but only if things remain as they were. He told me he hated coming home because he didn't want to hear my bitching- excuse me? I learned to keep my mouth shut a long time ago! Half the time I pretend I'm asleep anyway, just in case he is in a mood, looking for a fight. The last straw that preceeded him finally leaving was his coming in at 2:30 AM and yelling about there being no dinner - he had told me he would be grilling steaks with his friend at the shop- hellllo? I laughed at the absurdity of his request, and said I was going to kill him (it was actually said in a what am I going to do with you loving sort of way). And then he went off on me- said he'd be better off, said he didn't know why he ever came home, blah blah blah- so I said if he was so miserable he should leave. He's been threatening all this time, I'm just numb to it. Then of course he goes on about how I don't care about him and always get to do whatever I want, etc... I know it is the alcohol talking, but at some point you just have to draw the line.

This fight was mild in comparison to some of the others... But after the others there were proclamations of change. And even though the change didn't happen, I did my best to look the other way and not say anything when he went out, stayed at the shop all night because he was passed out drunk, came home reeking of alcohol. In fact, just 2 nights before this he left work early, got plastered, had to have someone drive him to the shop, and remained passed out til morning. I said nothing. But I draw the line at 3 am rages. I refuse to be degraded and disrespected in my own home- especially with our young daughter in the next room. Enough is enough!!!

I will not have her grow up being scared by him yelling in the middle of the night. I will not let her think that it is ok for any man to treat a woman the way I am (make that was) treated. No no no NO!

And that leads me to the ultimatum. Hate to do it- but something's got to give. He said he couldn't make that choice (to not drink) and that it wasn't fair for me to ask. He said I knew he drank then we got married, and it was unfair to ask him to change. So that's that.

I still hope he will come to his senses and change his mind. More than anything, I want a happy, healthy and strong family. But with alcohol, he is just a fly in the ointment.
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Unread 06-15-2010, 12:08 AM   #2
chai
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Welcome to the forum. Here you are amongst friends, many of whom went through (or are going through) what you are going through. I'm sorry that this is happening to you and your daughter.

I have to say that you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. At this point it seems like you just might be doing what's best for the two of you. You don't deserve the psychological abuse and your daughter doesn't deserve to be in that atmosphere.

Unless your husband decides to stop drinking and follow a program, things will not get better. You need to know that and I think you already do.

Do you attend Alanon? If not, you should.

Please know you are not alone. And good for you for standing up for yourself and your daughter. I wish you all the best and can promise that things will get better.

Chai
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Unread 06-15-2010, 01:44 PM   #3
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Hello WingsofWimsy,

It sounds like you have had enough and have made up your mind to make a change and invest your time and energy into yourself and your daughter. I support you 100%! You have to be ready to make the change. I have a thread called "Told him it was over but he was too drunk to remember." It took me ~ 4 years to reach the point you are at (I kept wanting to believe him when he was sober/the guy I married but the alcohol/bad guy always returned).

I sought counseling from a child psychologist before telling our son that we were splitting up. You'll want to make sure and repeat it endlessly that this is NOT your daughter's fault. I don't know how old your daughter is, but my son was 10 when we split. Other things that went well and not so well for me (hoping you can learn from my mistakes):

Worked Well
*I never spoke ill of our son's father in our son's prescence. I'm not a saint, I did vent to a few select close friends, but never in front of our son.
*Made copies of all of our financial information well before I left. There are websites out there (google something like "wife looking to leave"). There are checklists available of things to think about before leaving.
*Visitation - how are you going to handle your daughter visiting him when you leave?
*Not running from his parents and NOT responding when they lashed out and blamed me. The truth always comes out sooner or later. They now treat me quite differently.
*No longer covering for him. If people asked me questions about him, I suggested they contact him directly. If they heard about him being drunk/whatever, I replied by suggesting they contact him directly. I didn't make up stories about him, but I also didn't engage in discussing his episodes.

Things I woudl do differnetly:
*Let my son grieve. When we told him (we told him together), he burried his face in his hands and into the couch. When he started to cry I was so busy trying to make him feel better... I should have just held him and let him have his time.

I have to run, but will check in on your later.

Take care,
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Unread 06-15-2010, 10:10 PM   #4
R. Lee
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Wingsofwimsy, Welcome to the site!
I'm a recovering alcoholic. I steamrolled over people in my life including 2 wives. My drinking came 1st. I gave away a lot because my me me attitude. I was enabled by my family. I hit rock bottom in 1982 but continued to drink for another 22 years. A total of 42 years of drinking.
If your husband won't make an honest effort to stop drinking, then do what is best for yourself and your daughter. His behavior is out of control.
There is some good advice from the 2 that posted before me.
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Unread 06-15-2010, 11:29 PM   #5
Wingsofwhimsy
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Thank you all for your input and advice.

Today has been rough for me, but I am hanging in there. A few things are bothering me; first and formost, the fact that my daughter is spending the night with her dad (going "camping"). I am seldom away from her and feel very strange alone without her. I am also experiencing the guilt and worry that if something happens to her while she is with him, it will be my fault. I reason that if we weren't living seperately I could always be there to protect her. To his credit, he us good with her when he wants to be- all I can do is have faith in him being a good dad to her when I am not there. I just worry because I'm good at it- even if he were babysitting her for mno I'd still worry. Not because of alcohol- just because of his perception of danger vs. mine. Point is, I'd hate if something happened to her and it was my fault (because I left her with him). I was in such a state earlier today that I considered going over to his place and saying forget it- you win. But I didn't. I couldn't. I hope that I don't regret it.

Another thing that I'd bothering me is that my mother in law doesn't seem to want to talk to me. I hate that I may have upset her by giving her son an ultimatum- but what else could I have done? How much more emotional neglect and verbal abuse was I supposed to take? She went through the same thing with her husband! I don't think she thinks the situation I am in is as bad as hers was. So maybe she thinks I'm an unsuppotivr, ungrateful bitch. I hope not. She has been really wonderful to all of us and we've always gotten along. I'm sad that I may have ruined that and driven a larger wedge into this already impaled family. Her x husband has been sober over 20 years and she still has major resentments toward him for his past behavior. Ironically, like it or not, he is one of the best people I can talk to to get insight on this disease. But he is the enemy to my husband... Hubby won't even speak to him.

I sent her a nice message- I hope she responds. Beyond that, there isn't much else I can do.

I've also been feeling a lot of remorse- mouring I suppose for this relationship. But really, I am not mourning for what WAS. I am mourning for what I wanted- and never had. I am feeling sorry for myself, wishing I could gave a normal, happy, healthy, nurturing relationship. Maybe one day...

I started reading "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. Ding ding ding!!! We have a winner!!! It's helping me gain a little perspective.

And my friend reminded me of the benchmark question: if your daughter were in the same position as you 20-25 years from now, what would you tell her? Would it be ok for her? If not, then it's not ok for you. Spot on.

My daughter is 3. If this split is going to happen, I think it's better if it happens now, before she gets older and has the chance to think it is her fault.

Thanks for listening
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Unread 06-16-2010, 12:38 PM   #6
1418
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Hi WingsofWhimsy,

Keep on posting!!! This is the place to vent, ask questions, and be vulnerable. In my experience this community is very kind and will be honest with kid gloves.

You should expect to go through the full mourning process. It is a loss. I remember last year sayign to a collegue, "but I don't want to go through it - I just want to fast forward to next year at this time!" His reponse was, "you can't you have to go through it." I really wanted him to be wrong, but I knew deep down inside he was correct. You may want to google "phases of grief" so you know what signs to watch for. You may want to share this information with a few of your support network individuals - so they can help you identify the different stages as well. The other thing is that you dont' necessarily go through the stages A - Z. In my experience it is more like, A-B, B-C, C - A, A - C,.. you bounce around a bit, but eventually you make it to Z. TRUST ME!!!

I wish I would have reached my decision to leave when my son was younger, but I just wasn't ready. Kids are extremely resiliant. I think you will be surprised how quickly your child adapts.

Regarding protecting your child... This board will give you good advice about that, but you also may want to check in with local law enforcement and/or child protection. They can offer suggestions on what actions you can and can't take to protect your child. I found that helpful. I knew I was doing everything I could wihtin the law to protect my son. Although I still worried, I needed the facts to know what I could do, couldn't do and what I shoudl be doing. I strongly encourage you to keep a journal. Jot down dates, times, observable behaviors, etc. This information will be critical in the future if you need to fight for full placement of your child.

In hindsight - there were situations where I could have called the police on my ex. I chose not to for a variety of reasons, and it worked out for me. My ex signed the agreement giving me full placement after he left my son home during the night alone while he went to a bar. Long story.

You will need to judge your soon-to-be-ex (STBex) and determine if you need the legal documentation of calling the police on him or not (e.g. if he drives drunk with your child, consume alcohol when with your child, etc.)

I put in my agreement that NEITHER of us could consume alcohol while we had placement of our son. I also bought a breathalizer. In the agreement it stated that if either of us suspected the other one of drinking alcohol, we could ask for a breathalizer. IF the breathalizer was positive or if the other refused to take a breathalizer, then - x,y,z. My x, y, and Z included immediate full placement with the spouse that wasn't drinking until the other spouse went through a full alcohol assessment process that the other spouse could participate in, and that I would have full access on the results of the assessment and next steps. If the next steps were counseling/treatment, the spouse would need to successfully complete the treatment in order to earn back placement. Supervised placement would be arranged while completing the treatment.

Oh - and my ex -MIL told me that I shoudl have stayed with her son becuase I wasn't being beaten. She also told me he was a nice boy before he met me. I just remained silent and listened. I had my moment of 'told you so' when I had to call her and her husband and ask them to watch our son at 1:00 am in the morning while I went out and looked for their son becuase he abandoned our son in the middle of the night.

I have to run - but a few suggestions.

Take care,
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Unread 06-16-2010, 01:13 PM   #7
Sullivan
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Hello Wingsofwhimsy and welcome!

It sounds like you and your daughter have been through quite an ordeal.
You are among supportive friends here so please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences freely.

I am a 31-year-old alcoholic married to an alcoholic. We have two beautiful young children ages 2 and 4. I have been a functioning alcoholic for about 10 years, my husband for 20+ years. But after the birth of my second child the disease took a turn for the worse; for the first time I recognized the need for help not only for my own health but for the safety and well being of my children. So here I am...

Your story struck a nerve with me. I married an alcoholic at a young age and divorced him not long after. The abuse was, well, you probably understand quite well...The final straw was that if I stayed with him we would surely have children together. I couldn't bear the thought of him treating my children the way he treated me and I left while he was at work, taking only what I needed to live and leaving the rest. He had no forwarding address, only a phone number that was only to be used to coordinate the divorce. We have never spoken since. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but EVERY DAY since then I am so grateful and happy to have made the decsision. The entire experience made me a stronger person today.

My husband nor I have ever been near the point where your husband is in his alcoholism--yet. Which is why I am choosing to begin healing now. My point in all this is that you and your daughter have the right to feel and be safe at all times, WITHOUT EXCEPTION!!! Your husband's behavior is dangerous and abusive; it's only a matter of time before he inflicts serious harm to yourself or your daughter.

I believe that the addict must seek help on his/her own initiative to be successful in recovery. If your husband chooses not to seek help then you cannot help him. You must ultimately make your own choices about the future of yourself and your daughter.

Remember that you are in the driver's seat, so to speak. You are a wonderful loving mother to a beautiful daughter. You are being the responsible parent in addressing this situation before it spirals further out of control. Sometimes the healthiest decisions we make in life are the most difficult ones.

Your story reminds me so much of the isolation, despair, abuse and chaos I felt in my previous marriage. I remember my first counseling session during that period of time. It was such an awakening for me to hear from a professional's mouth that my husband was the one with a problem, not me. He said, "Frankly--no offense--but your husband sounds like an asshole!" He later declined to counsel the two of us together; he was interested in working only with me. It was a huge turning point in my life, one I am still grateful for to this day.

Sorry to be so long-winded but I couldn't help but reply. The things you speak of (right down to the in-laws!) are much like my own experiences so far, maybe just in a little different order. Hopefully sharing my own experiences and perspective helps in some small way. I am not the religous type, but I will say a prayer for you and you're daughter's safety. Keep us posted.

Sincerely,
Sullivan
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Unread 06-17-2010, 12:34 PM   #8
Wingsofwhimsy
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Thank you for your words of support and encouragement.

I am feeling better today. My daughter had a good time with her dad last Tuesday and in some odd way I think that this will actually HELP their relationship. It seems like he wants to make an effort to spend time with her and do things now... Which is all I really wanted in the first place! But I'm also wondering if he is only (or partially) making a point to see her (or come get her) in an attempt to excert power over me. His behavior with her has been very sweet, and we have been fairly civil to each other, considering. If things can stay that way, great.

He told me that our daughter told him that "daddy doesn't like mommy anymore" and said that I planted it in her head. I did not. I told him that she was not stupid, that she could see how he talked to me, and she wasn't blind. (She's seen him throw a beer can at me while yelling at me to get the hell out of his house... blah blah blah) But anyway... He started to vent about how everyone expected him to become this totally different person- that I thought life was a fairy tale and how I saw all of my friends' husbands and their lives and wanted that too. He basically told me I was unreasonable to want him to come home every day and stop drinking! He said he may as well get a 9-5 job while he was at it. WHAT THE ?#$%? This from someone who works 12-15 hours a day. A 9-5 job would be a breeze! Am I really that unreasonable for wanting him to come home and live a normal family life? I DONT THINK SO (sarcasm).

I wrote him a well-versed, calm letter and gave it to him. It basically described (in a non-threatening way) what I wanted out of this marriage, my reasons for wanting him to stop drinking, and how much I wanted a strong and unified family. I gave it to him, along with a poem I wrote the morning after he left almost 3 weeks ago. The poem may be construed in a more accusatory way, but he needed to read it. I am almost certain that he will take it the wrong way. But oh well... I'm tired of protecting him from the pain that he causes. I will post it here when I am able to.

Reading the book about verbal abuse has given me a lot of insight, and I am sadly starting to realize that even if I am able to get him to stop drinking, the verbal abuse probably won't go away. I just think that the alcohol makes it a lot worse. It has some benchmarks on what to consider when looking at the viability of a relationship in an objective way and that is eye opening. It shows me just how little this relationship has to offer me emotionally and spiritually. So sad to really realize, but I'd rather be here now than 5, 10, 20 years from now. Life is too short to waste it with toxic people.
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Unread 06-17-2010, 05:05 PM   #9
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Hello W.O.W.-
I have read about your situation and I want you to know it took a great deal of courage to do what you did. It is normal to have second thoughts and wonder if you should go back- but nobody deserves to be treated less than human. Justifying, denial, rationalizing- all signs of a serious illness called alcoholism. By now your husband has learned the art of deception and how to mold the perfect speech to say, "You knew I was like this, etc." Well, maybe you did know he drank, but again - nobody deserves to be disrespected and abused.
I was with someone who would tell me how dumb I was every single day for over ten years, amongst other things. When he drank he would get very mean and loved to humiliate me, overpower me. It only got worse with time. One day, I just decided to work on healing the damage done and walked away. He had a hard time accepting my decision, but eventually he got the message. I am now married to a wonderful man that has never disrespected me. Standing up to that creep was worth it. My daughter deserved better and I promised myself I would never let her see the things I saw growing up. I was happy to keep that promise.
Your daughter is a gift and she should never have to see or hear the abusiveness of your husband. Alcoholism is progressive and fatal and it does not get better. Life is too short to be in constant misery and on eggshells all the time- I wasted way too much time hoping for change that never came until I initiated it. This is not easy to do, but here you will find support from people who understand. Take care and welcome.
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 06-22-2010, 12:29 PM   #10
Wingsofwhimsy
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So, since my mother in law owns our house and she still hasn't spoken to me, I've had the feeling that I could be thrown out if out house at any time. Nobody has said this outright, but I've been thinking about how on earth I could support myself and my child with no help at all. So, despite not really wanting to, I thought I would offer AH a compromise to allow him to come home (and save my own skin). It's not pretty, but sometimes you have to do things to survive.

So he came over Sunday night, in a very combative mood. I had told him that I wanted to talk about him maybe coming home. Well, apparently he had read the letter and poem I had written him. He said I had ripped his heart out and put it on paper and that I had him so crazy that he didn't know what to do. He could not get over the fact that I thought he was an alcoholic- he just couldn't get past that label. He said he didn't have to drink every morning and that he held a job. Well, maybe so, I said- maybe you're not an alcoholic, but you certainly have a problem with alcohol. He insisted he didn't; that he went out because it was fun and it was something that he could do with his friends. I let the label go and asked if he could admit that hid drinking hurt me and caused problems. He conceeded. So then I started in with my "plan" (ha!) of compromise.

Through all of this, the MAIN problems I've had were not having enough (any) family time and the stress of drunken rages. No, they don't happen every day, but once a month or more is enough for anyone. The rudeness and verbal abuse are byproducts- not fun, but I thought that maybe they could be controlled a little bit by the plan. So, my idea was to tell AH that he could go ahead and drink- that I couldn't control him and that I was a fool to try- but the condition was that he was not allowed to come home drunk. If he got drunk, he had to sleep somewhere else (like his office or camper). I also wanted more (any) family time, so I wanted to request one evening or day per week to do something as a family- even if it just meant him coming home to have dinner with us. There were a couple more things I listed as "wants" for my compromise, but I didn't get to them. The first two fell like 2 tons of bricks.

He said that he wasn't going to follow any rules and that he was going to do what he wanted when he wanted. He said if he agreed to that compromise that things would just end up the way they are now with me calling him to ask him when he would be home, bitching, etc... So I asked, do you intend to go out every night? He remained evasive and never gave me a straight answer. Then, the whole idea of him sacrificing one whole evening or day to his family wad just far too much to ask. When I expressed disbelief about this, he got loud and defensive about how I should put on his boots on and work like he does and then see if I would be able to come home and do that (???!!!). Aaaahhhhhh! (to which I had to mention that he always seemed to have enough energy to go to the bar and stay out all night). Finally I asked him: if you aren't interested in coming home to spend time with us ONE day a week, what us the point of being married at all? He turned it around to ask me why I married him. Blah blah blah- the whole thing was a disaster. He left.

Serves me right for once again compromising myself to survive. If this exchange taught me anything it taught me that I was 100% right in the first place. It is just an impossible situation and a pointless marriage- at least until he can admit he has a problem and at least try to make a change. But he is nowhere close- and probably won't be for years. I just hope he doesn't Jill himself or someone else before that.

So here I remain, wondering for how long, considering options and trying to save money. Sometimes the best way isn't the easiest way- buy it is still best.
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Unread 06-22-2010, 10:29 PM   #11
R. Lee
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Wingsofwhimsy, I only make suggestions. The alcoholic will use & abuse you. The fact that he is unwilling to change anything to improve the situation says to me that he is a selfish me, me, me person. The thinking of a typical alcoholic.

If you financial situation dictates to you that you have to live under the conditions than do so. You can learn to distance yourself from him. You don't have to live right in the middle of his B.S.

Your sanity comes 1st. Live this way as long as you can stand it then get out. Make a plan & stick to it.
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Unread 07-02-2010, 12:24 AM   #12
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Wings, you are courageous to have lived through what you did so far. My mother left my father after 8 years of marriage and to this day is a nasty, disgusting drunk who's in the hospital for liver failure at least once a year - and he's only 54. My mother is the strongest person I've ever known in my life for leaving him and facing the world raising 2 girls alone.

I had to also learn not to become my father when I turned into a teen, because loosing him (he lost all visitation rights after his 4th DUI when I was 8) actually did cause me buried pain which manifested itself in drinking as a young adult. I had to seek out my father and watch him dying in order to decide that life wasn't for me.

The verbal abuse I know a think about as well. My step father was 11 years clean when he married my mother, but the verbal abuse was rampet all the same. It stems from not being able to take responsibility for your actions and mistakes and blaming others. Psychopaths is what I call people who are verbally abusive!!

Hang in there and be strong. You can live a life without toxic people.
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Unread 07-05-2010, 04:40 PM   #13
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W.O.W.-

Hope you are doing alright. I have to tell you that if you have not moved yet- be prepared to do so just in case things go south in a hurry. If his mother is on his side, she may very well want you to leave- BUT you do have rights and don't forget that. I would contact the police and ask them what legal rights you have as far as the home is concerned.
It is quite obvious your husband is far from accepting his role in this, don't wait around anymore-save yourself from future abuse and save your offspring from it as well. You all deserve so much more that what he is subjecting you to. Please let us know how you are doing when you get a chance!
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 07-16-2010, 09:18 AM   #14
Wingsofwhimsy
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Hey everyone-
Just an update- I am ok... Divorce papers are in process, although I need to make further stipulations regarding child safety. Still at the house, but hope to find something in the next week. AH has said he would pay double state mandated child support and on odd-numbered days he admits that he is the one with the problem. Lots of stress, but starting to see the light. He hasn't come back but he has been here to visit our daughter. Oh, and drunk looking for me last night. I wasn't home. He called me at 2:45 am (surely right after leaving the bar) sobbing and begging and promising he would change. I'm past the point of second chances. I hoped he would black out making to call. When I arrived home the next morning he was passed out naked on the couch, the toilet unflushed (#2), and the 2 dogs in the street. Oh joy- welcome home. He didn't wake up when I got there. Later, he came to see me in the bathroom and the alcohol stench was revolting. He could see it on my face and knew he didn't have a chance. Sorry!
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Unread 07-16-2010, 12:24 PM   #15
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Wings,

Good for you. You and your child deserve better.

Stay Safe,
Saint
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Unread 07-18-2010, 01:38 PM   #16
Wingsofwhimsy
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I'm sitting in my newly leased, empty house today. It is perfect and holds so many possibilites for myself and my business. It feels great!
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Unread 07-18-2010, 10:00 PM   #17
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Dear Wings,

Congrats on your new home, I like your positive attitude : "Possibilities " YES ! May your new journey for you and your child bring good things your way ! I have followed your story and as tough as the decisions have been, you and your child deserve peace and happiness. Have faith that you will make it to the other side, as you are well on your way. Stay vigilante with regards to your husband, I do hope for your child;s sake and his life he does get help, but he has to make the decision and you have been more than patient, tried everything etc...

Take good care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 07-21-2010, 04:30 AM   #18
hairgirl
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W.O.W. -
Congrats on your new beginning- there is so much peace that comes from new beginnings. Stay strong and know that your drive for a better tomorrow will guide you!
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Unread 07-22-2010, 09:47 PM   #19
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Glad to hear you have a fresh start, we all need those from time to time. you and your family will benefit greatly from the sense of peace this will bring you. Just remember we are all here for you through this process!
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Unread 07-25-2010, 09:23 PM   #20
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Wings, I'm so happy for you new life.

HumboltGrown, In your stepfathers case being "clean" is not being sober is it? He is a dry drunk not a sober man. My best to you.
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Unread 07-27-2010, 11:12 PM   #21
Wingsofwhimsy
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Finally all moved in... Things had been going along smoothly with me taking my time moving from the old house to the new house over the past week and a half. I was scheduled to have friends move my large furniture pieces and miscellaneous leftover stuff this past Saturday. Soon to be ex had seemed ok with my moving out and even offered help by paying August child support in advance. He had his bouts of moodiness, but seemed to be ok with me leaving. Well, last Friday a friend of his saw me out on a date with my daughter and someone I've started seeing. Well, WWIII broke out. I woke to messages from 12:30-2:00am- crazy drunken rants and slurs... Accusing me off dumping off our daughter at a friends house while I had my dick sucked. Well, my daughter was with us, and last time I checked, I didn't have a dick (not unless you count him). He said he was watching me and that he was going to basically screw me on child support and good luck with my business supporting me. He called me a ****ing bitch (and later, a whore). He said he was throwing all of my stuff on the porch or in the backyards and having the locks changed and that I better get everything out tomorrow. After hearing these messages, I could hardly sleep, so when he called later I picked up. I told him that our daughter had been with me all night. He said more terrible things to me and then somehow admitted that he had screwed around on me with a hooker from New Orleans. At this point, all I could be was sarcastic, so I asked if he was able to last for more than 2 minutes. Blah blah blah... Then later on he said that there was no whore- that I was the whore and always was- just a little slut from mandeville. Wow.

When we arrived, my stuff was all over the front porch- furniture intact mostly, drawers turned over with piles of clothes, shoes, books, papers, and more. I can only thank myself for having gotten all most important belongings out the week before. He was passed out drunk inside of the house and the place smelled like a bar room. It was a MESS. As we were loading up the trailer, he came out in a huff and got in his truck, left, then came back to get his motorcycle. As he was driving off, barefoot and shirtless, he proclaimed that he got rid of his wife and got a Harley. What an ass.

I rushed to get things loaded with my friends and we made about 6 trips. But I was unprepared to take everything all at once. I felt a lot of fear, and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. In addition, I had to move my entire business in one day. I had expected to have all week to do that. I was just too scared of what he might do if I left anything. Later, after I had left, he called and told me that the house was a pig sty, just like I always kept it. Helllooo? He also said that I owed him an air conditioner because I took the one I just bought (with my money for my business). What the ?!? And to top it off, his mom put a cryptic message in her facebook page that said: those who destroy another person's property out of hate will be dealt with at a later date. Are you fuc$)()ing kidding me???

Never a dull moment. But I'm here now- now to fight for child support so I can actually stay here!
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Unread 07-28-2010, 12:12 PM   #22
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Dear WOW,

I am relieved that you are settled ! What you just posted - moving day which is stressful enough- his actions were so uncalled for and unacceptable but remind yourself that until he seeks help- he most likely lacks the coping skills to deal with his emotions, I am sure you know this- since All you and your child have been through to this point.

Not to be nosey but is the child support going through the Child support department ? Reason I ask is that at least in this state, when separation/divorce is handled through the courts they mandate that all monies go though the office of child support, reason being is that a parent can really foul things up, withhold money, it just gets so messy.
IT may add a red tape in the beginning, to the process, but again in this state - they take non payment of child support VERY seriously and the people I know do get their money on time. If not there are consequences.
I have seen parents offer to pay an ex more to NOT go through the proper channels but it invariably ends in withholding the money because they are mad, jealous, you name it- and in this case - there are alcohol issues at play which can add more problems.
I can only speak for the state I live in, but overall, the goal is to ensure a child is provided for each month!

As far as the ex-inlaws - imo- try not to feed into their game playing, trying to get you riled up. You have enough drama, try to to steer clear of the FB pages, I know it is difficult - it may be natural to wonder what they are posting, but if they cared about your child they wouldn't be playing these games.

Hang in there, the important thing is that you got away, you are on a new path, while I hope he seeks help, leave them to be miserable in their drama. I just thought of Mary J Blige, who has been through a tough life life and made a new life for herself- she sings -" No More Drama " !

Take care , be well- Carly : )
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Unread 07-28-2010, 04:12 PM   #23
Wingsofwhimsy
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We are not officially divorced yet, so the child support isn't going through that department yet. I have every intention of doing that, though. He is being "nice" enough right now to give us money every week, but doesn't want to put the liable for the full promised amount on paper. He SAYS he is going to give me more than what is state mandated, but I know how that will probably go. I have not signed any papers yet, but I know that he is claiming to make less than he actually does (he's self employed) so I have a bit of a fight in front of me. Sad to think that what he spends on beer, bars and cigarettes (let's not forget hookers and strippers) is worth more than his own kid. What a prince.
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Unread 07-28-2010, 05:17 PM   #24
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Dear WOW,
I understand what you are saying- maybe ask friends who have dealt with such an arrangement re: child support and promises to pay above and beyond if the courts can stay out of it. I understand that people do not relish the thought of people knowing their financial business.
My only concern is that he could hold up the payments willy nilly, based on his current alcohol issues, as his need for alcohol will always come first until seeks help.... as well as emotions:
( jealousy, anger, spite, even soon to be Ex -in-laws saying he doesn't owe you jack! etc.... ). I hope this is NOT the case... I truly do.

Good for you having your own business and not being completely dependent on him for you and your child's livelihood !!!
Another quote from a book I am reading....
"The hand that gives the money is above the hand that takes it away ."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Again, hang in there, enjoy your new home, seek the peace and serenity you both deserve ! Take care, Carly : )
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Unread 07-28-2010, 08:31 PM   #25
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Wings, If you have to deal any more at his place call the police to stand by. If he makes threats save them & get a restraining order on him. Copy his mothers threat. There are devices to record his phone calls. A jealous person can be a very dangerous person.

Don't count on the child support without a fight. Go through the Friend of the Court.

Don't let him rent space in your head.
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Unread 07-31-2010, 03:45 PM   #26
SLynn
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WOW

I just read your entire thread and boy have you been through a lot. I must say I'm impressed with your determination. You endured what you did for X amount of years and enough was enough. You made up your mind and stuck to it. That's so very hard to do.....so many waver and get re-trapped in the cycle out of fear and "love".

Your daughter will now have the opportunity to learn how to have a healthy family when she grows up. Yelling, distention and chaos wont' be normal to her and she'll have you to thank for that.

I'm not surprised about your ex's behavior. It's so typical but we always hope they'll take the high road at some point but it rarely happens. I hope that these past few days have been peaceful for you....that you're enjoying your new space...and finding what will be your life.

SLynn
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