Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 01-11-2017, 11:33 PM   #51
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Good job soapdish. That was not a coincidence. It was spiritual.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-12-2017, 08:11 AM   #52
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Yes R.Lee, I think so too.

I think I'm doing really well. I'm working hard to stop beating myself up all the time and it's necessary for me to reflect on my journey so far in this sublime life, but without wallowing. I'm starting each day with a happy thought.

It's just the night. I weep and panic and I've only slept 8 hours in 3 days but I don't feel tired. I feel strangely energised.

However, last night was better than the night before it, so I'll try to make tonight even better and I'm resolved that I'm not going to drink or smoke pot, no matter how bad I feel.

Lying in my lonely bed tossing and turning I play the alphabet game to distract myself from panic. I think of a category, e.g capital cities, and I go through the alphabet naming as many as I can! It gets a bit boring and I eventually fall asleep.

I also try the technique from The Mentalist tv show. Just count one..two...one...two...

I think I'm a bit of a dork but I don't care

Last edited by soapdish; 01-12-2017 at 08:14 AM.. Reason: Typos and more typos
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to soapdish For This Useful Post:
Thank You (01-13-2017)
Unread 01-13-2017, 01:06 PM   #53
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Good afternoon dear Soapdish. Bright blessings to you.

I do not want to promote how difficult i feel your nights are by writing to you abut them, yet i think this is holistically important.

We all know the body physically heals as we rest and sleep. We know our clocks say that is night time. "The body is willing"....the mind not so.

How i relate to insecurity's flailing around me like ghouls at a disco in the darkest midst of the night.

Sope....it would be......3am......i am utterly...utterly smashed.......big fat spliff that has gone out because i can't find my mouth to put it in......and i would dance with my insecurity's. Now full to the brim with what they all needed. "The dance of the lost Soul"....as i wrote a piece of music about.

I stopped drinking and the reason i could not sleep at 3am is because of the dreams. I say dreams....they were vivid reactions of past events is the WEIRDEST OF WAYS...Jeeezzeee

Now.... Tryn is suppose to say he is tough and all that malarkey, i suppose in some ways i am. Yet Tryn has been scared shitless all through his life....(pretending he wasn't)......NOTHING....scared me more on my journey than my first sober dreams. They were not nightmares...big spiders and whatnot....if there was something worse than a nightmare...those nights were it.

I purposely at the beginning would not go to sleep, and now sober...had to "find myself something to do" in the middle of the night. I wrote a book about dogs in a park. That is what i did to ....to.....just stop those nights.

I was frightened....i needed love, safety and togetherness. I needed to not feel alone. At the time i needed it the most....3am.....from loneliness, i created a world of safety, love and togetherness from deep inside myself. It was then i truly knew i deserve to be alive, to be capable and to be content on my way. All over a bunch of dogs and the eyes of a stray.

The reason i felt so dreadfully insecure and frightened are different from the reasons you sometimes feel dreadfully insecure and frightened. What is the same, is we feel the same.

My dear Soapdish, when you weep, turn it into a sob. Cry your enormous heart out. When you laugh, use every drop of breath you have. When you care....your bones will ache, when you smile so will all of you, when you sleep you will no longer believe others narratives......no longer "fall for them".....and the door swings wide open to you. You will sleep peacefully.

You will.

1 last thing......Re counting capital citys. Give it a decade......and you might be completely wrong all of a sudden!

2 words stand out ion my heart for you right now....i know you are going to hear this twice in 2 sentences...maybe more.....i need to share and give this to you,

Be strong, be strong and be strong some more. What does that look like?...

You.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear Soapdish
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-13-2017, 08:00 PM   #54
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

oh I hope you will sleep better soon, try a warm epsom salt bath and relax and know that you will be alright. When the anxiety comes up, just tell it to go away and then go back to sleep.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-14-2017, 06:21 PM   #55
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Hi,

Thank you for replying to my post and for all the ideas and support.

Incidentally, I haven't got a bath! Just a shower. However, I do have 4 live purring cats and an enormous fireplace!!! I have been scared to light the fire for the past 3 years but two days ago I had it cleaned, bought a fire extinguisher and a carbon monoxide monitor. I spent a bloody fortune but I lit the first fire of 2017 yesterday and it was SUBLIME!

The last two nights have been so much better emotionally even if I've only slept 5 hours in total and worked 11 hours every day this week! I should be burnt out already but I feel so hyperactive for the first time in ages. I'm feeling weirdly euphoric.

But yes Tryn, you are right. Sleep is essential for health and healing. So I need to try harder to relax.

I think I know what is happening. Anxiety and panic is a red herring - that is just part of my personality - the downside of being a sensitive soul. This hyperactivity is really a state of constant alertness from having experienced violence. Now that I'm not smoking pot, I can feel it.

So now that I acknowledge this...
I'm trying to spend more time in the kitchen, which is where a lot of the 'action' took place, as I know that part of the healing process is to truly address everything that's happened, not just bury it within me or hide away.

I am tough.
But I am also an addict, an enabler, a victim. All three...so a lot going on there! I can't just 'move on' as I keep telling myself and I can't rush it. I CAN ONLY LEARN TO BETTER MYSELF AND STRIVE TO BE PROACTIVE...

I found a useful website about the connection between domestic violence and alcohol use that I would like to share here:

https://www.verywell.com/what-trigge...e-attack-66536

The sources are cited in the articles and they are worth reading too.
About the role of substance abuse in domestic violence it says:
The general consensus seems to be that alcohol and drug use may act as a catalyst in escalating conflicts into a violent outburst but isn't the actual cause of the behavior.
Alcohol can play a part in domestic violence because it can impair the abuser's judgment, reduce inhibition and increase aggression.

I am posting this because if anyone is in the situation that I was/am in, please have a read of the whole webpage! I hope it will give you the strength to exit the relationship before one of you DIES.
That's blunt. But it's the truth.
I now see what I refused to see before. My partner's chronic drug and alcohol abuse were only one aspect of a DOOMED relationship. Untreated mental health problems, controlling behaviour, power struggles, unfounded accusations of infidelity were all present even when he was sober . It's just that I learnt how to behave so as never to create a conflict. Walk on glass to keep things calm and loving, and I never told a soul about what was happening. Cut myself off. It became our secret. I hid it so well, even from myself, and it gave me the ILLUSION that we would be happy if only he quit drinking.
I told myself that he was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, that alcohol was the reason for his violence and so after his emotional appeals, I always forgave him and just prayed he would soon find the strength to give up drinking.

How naive.

I still pray for that. It's the first step he can take to then address his other problems. I will always hope for and believe in redemption, but that's not up to me.

If your situation is similar to mine, please read my first posts and see how my perspective has changed. Please find the courage to GET OUT and STAY OUT.
That is what I am trying so hard to do now. I know that if I see him, I will be powerless again. Read the Why do domestic violence victims recant? part on the website. Every single time he blamed it all on his alcohol use and I bought it every time because I am an alcoholic too, and I felt such tenderness towards him in his pain. I still feel it now.

So if you are lost and reading this, as I was the first time I came here 2 years ago, without posting, just looking for advice, PLEASE don't wait as long as I did. DO NOT stay with a violent man or woman.

Thank you |EVERYONE for helping me through this difficult time. This forum has been so precious to me.

My name is Caris by the way. Soapdish was rather random lol

Last edited by soapdish; 01-14-2017 at 06:25 PM.. Reason: decided to put quote in italics and bold
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to soapdish For This Useful Post:
Thank You (01-14-2017)
Unread 01-14-2017, 10:28 PM   #56
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

You are so intelligent and wise with your decisions and growing so much. Good advice and very helpful. I'm so glad you are here and your post to me was so insightful and sensitive in relation to "speaking in a group". Oh, you have the best ideas. Be easy on yourself. How is your sleeping now? Take care Caris.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-15-2017, 02:21 PM   #57
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Hey, how are you feeling? How has your weekend been? xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-15-2017, 06:12 PM   #58
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Hi sweeties, I'm ok thank you very much for asking and for checking up on me.

I slept very well last night and got a good 8 hours. Probably because I was exhausted after writing all that, below!
Plus I'm so chuffed about the fire! It's truly mesmerising. The ironic thing is that now I've run out of wood ha ha ha!
I have eaten healthily today and seen a friend. I've put lavender oil on my pillow and now I will go to bed. I thought it may be easier if I go to bed earlier and avoid that wild witching hour of 2 am.
So..yeah, being proactive and grateful.

RE: my previous post
This webpage is more succinct:

http://hrlibrary.umn.edu/svaw/domestic/link/alcohol.htm

Learning more about this is helping me understand, and understanding will help me overcome and accept.

Love and hugs to you amazing people here.
Wish I could invite you over to stoke the fire, roast chestnuts and talk about art and animals Nighty night xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to soapdish For This Useful Post:
Thank You (01-15-2017)
Unread 01-16-2017, 06:28 PM   #59
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

I hope you sleep well.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to lostdog For This Useful Post:
Thank You (01-16-2017)
Unread 01-16-2017, 09:08 PM   #60
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Thank you for writing to me Lostdog. You are super. Same to you, I hope you sleep/slept soundly and start your day tomorrow with a happy thought.

It's 1.45am. So much for avoiding the witching hour! It's been a long day. I need to go to bed. I have been positive and energised all day and work went very well. Tomorrow is my nightmare day 9am to 10pm nonstop but I can do it, as I always do. Plus I cycle to and from the morning job so that will be wonderful.

The brother came to get the bags. He'd been to the prison last week. I didn't ask 'How is HE?' I'm trying not to care but it's hard.
The brother said there was money under the TV that Ab was asking for. It was hurtful for a split second but I'm not angry. It just confirms to me what we already know, that he had no intention whatsoever of quitting. Indeed, he'd stolen the money from my wallet and stashed it.
Anyway I let the brother take it. Right or wrong, it's what I did. Oh I'll shut up now and go to bed. I'm annoying myself. There's just no point going on about it anymore.

I just have to wash his pillow case and take the photos off the wall. A part of me is holding on but I will do it and I meant every word of my recent posts. I just like to smell the pillow case because I miss him, despite everything.

I can't relax until the hearing on the 23rd and I wish I had some wood.

So I'm a bit low but I don't want my mood to bring you guys down and also it's just tiredness, probably.
Now I WILL go to bed and sleep because tomorrow is a long slog so I need my beauty sleep!!!

Oops! A bit of a regression with this post, isn't it? But already I feel better after writing. I'll try not to be so long-winded tomorrow.

Nighty night
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
massive hugs and kisses
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-17-2017, 10:08 AM   #61
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

SD if you need to talk about himor the situation then please do. Dont apologise for it. We all know there are things we shouldnt focus on but sometimes we need to. Like you said, you feel better for sharing it with us. and thats all that matters.

I hope you slept ok in the end. And i hope work goes quickly for you!!

Love, Alexis xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-17-2017, 06:12 PM   #62
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

hope your long day goes well, and I will be wishing you the best. You can vent here, be save and tell us how you feel. Sometimes we are up and sometimes down and that's what we do, lift each other to that place that is doable and moving for us. Lots of prayers and support to you to feel ok. I know you want it and I want it too for you.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-18-2017, 05:49 AM   #63
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

And I want it for you
Sweet Alexis and Lostdog, thank you for your friendship.
You are kindhearted, fun and extremely special people.
I feel lucky to have met you.

Have a SUPER day
Xxxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-18-2017, 06:00 AM   #64
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Thanks SD, we feel the same about you!

Have an awesome day yourself!! xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-18-2017, 09:55 PM   #65
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

that was so, so sweet to say SD and Alexis, too. Hope your day is going well today.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-19-2017, 04:33 AM   #66
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

I' ve washed his pillow case and taken the photos down.
Roll on the 23rd January.
I'm not going to the hearing. I can't see him. I will fall apart if I do.
I will find out afterwards and then we'll see what I have to do. I hope the judge orders psychological therapy for him.
That's all.
Love to you all from Italy.
Xxxxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to soapdish For This Useful Post:
Thank You (01-19-2017), Thank You (01-19-2017)
Unread 01-19-2017, 08:06 AM   #67
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Good for you SD. STRONG woman!! lean on us if you need to.

Whats the weather like in Italy? xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-19-2017, 06:44 PM   #68
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Thank you very much for your amazing support and encouraging words.

I went to the town hall today to get him taken off my residency. They knew the situation already as it was written on their list. They were very kind to me and I even made a joke but it was just bravado. Really I was dying inside.
Also, I've noticed people in town staring and whispering whenever I walk past. It makes me feel like I'm toxic.

Be gentle on myself.

Everything is just taking so long. I need to fix all the broken things in my home. I hadn't realised how much I'd neglected everything.

I think of the people in the south of Italy who are battling the snow and earthquakes. They lost their homes, loved ones, livelihoods in the earthquakes last year. They just started rebuilding and now they have snow and more earthquakes. Somewhere amongst them is a woman like me.
I feel lucky and grateful for the clear blue skies and the warmth of my fire.
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-19-2017, 06:54 PM   #69
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

you arent toxic SD, far from it, you are wonderful and kind. Ignore those people, with nothing better to do. They need to get a life really!

Good job on today, another thing out the way, another step towards happiness and calm xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-20-2017, 07:58 PM   #70
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

Your not toxic, their whispering because you are so beautiful!
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-20-2017, 08:56 PM   #71
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Thank you for your kindness. But I feel that in my personal life I am toxic. This man came into my life when I was at an all time low of self-hatred.

I think he became my alcohol.

This is some of my story: I drank heavily from aged 13 to 33. In my teens and twenties I was dark and wild but I have always had another side to me that's intelligent, caring and reliable. I would be what's called a functioning alcoholic. I hid it very well and I have always been very professional in my work life and an extremely hard worker. I juggled volunteering, university and two jobs in one year and drank until I passed out or worse, every single weekend. I think my work is what has saved my life. I am grateful for that. Finally, I stopped drinking in 2011, after many failed attempts. At that time I was with another man, we had been together for 12 years. We both enjoyed drugs and had fun in the early years but as we grew up and I sacrificed all my dreams for his ones, my drinking and depression got worse. We traveled and worked in war zones and slums. It was sad and wonderful, heartbreaking and uplifting and made me grateful for everyday but I carried on my old habits at weekends. Aged 27, working in Brazil, I had a kind of breakdown. Everything was overwhelming. We worked together. We lived together. I only had him to lean on when times were tough and believe me, they were tough. He wasn't there for me and I battled along all on my own - dysentry, scabies, typhoid. Yet he always had a hot cup of tea, sympathy and tissues if he so much as sneezed!
When we came back to Italy, we bought a house together with financial help from my family. I loved him. Really I did. But he crushed me. He was so dominant and I so meek. Six months later, he had a fling with a "friend" of mine and at the prospect of losing him, I changed my life. I got sober. I stayed sober. I worked on myself for a whole year and let go of the pain of his betrayal. He told me he was proud of me for not drinking while all along he was growing maria in the basement and smoking it morning til night. I got pregnant. It was an ectopic pregnancy. It was another painful and lonely time. I nearly died. He didn't even bring me any pyjamas to the hospital. He didn't care about me enough, but I accept some responsibility for that. I had been a manic drunk for most of our relationship, after all. We both knew that the pregnancy was ectopic because of my promiscuous drink-fueled lifestyle in my teens and early twenties. I do forgive myself for that now even if hurts to write it down. I have never told anyone before.
Anyway, I stayed with him and I pretended I was ok but I was really sad. A few months later, we were careless and I had a scary and painful miscarriage. He was in the kitchen and I had to actually text him to come to me. It was absurd. It was a wake up call. I admitted that I was deeply unhappy and found the courage to leave him. I was strong and regarded my misfortune as fate and a blessing in disguise. But it turned into a nightmare. He became nasty and wicked about the division of the house and I crumbled. I went to live in a crappy bedsit (while I paid the mortgage and he lived in the house not paying anything). He wouldn't let me see my dog and cats. He stole all my work materials, as by then I was self-employed. I had to get a lawyer. Dark days but I got through it, thanks to financial and emotional support from my parents. And what did I do then? I walked right into this other man's violent arms. Out of the frying pan into the bloody FIRE!!!!!

So, there truly is something wrong within me. I am not fishing for compliments. I know I am damaged goods. I know I am a weird combo of weakness and strength, stupidity and wisdom. I'm great at bringing out the best in others (well, except my boyfriends!) but I am a total disaster in my own life.

Indeed, I am toxic.
But I am determined to detox my soul from all this anguish.

I must learn how to stay the naturally kind, sensitive and caring person that I am but without being a perennial doormat for everyone!!!
It isn't easy but I can try.
Sobriety for me now means ridding myself from all my unhealthy crutches. Be that men, alcohol, weed.
Hmmmmm....now that I think about it, maybe staying up all night is how I am self-destructing right now! Help me! Make me go to bed!
Ok don't worry about me.
The important thing is that I am recognising all of this.
Thanks for listening. It's so good to finally share. I'm sorry for the burden. I know you will tell me it's ok, but as I feel your stories, you will feel mine. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry about everything. I feel so ashamed.

Last edited by soapdish; 01-20-2017 at 09:22 PM.. Reason: spelling mistakes
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-20-2017, 10:09 PM   #72
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

I'm glad you shared your deep feelings and history of your life, thank you for letting us help you and for you knowing you want to get better, too. However, I don't see that you are toxic, just met some toxic people. You were the neutralizer and nice person. No need to ever put yourself down. Take care and rest this evening.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-21-2017, 09:52 AM   #73
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

SD, wow...firstly thank you for sharing all that. I have shared something last night that i am ashamed about also and even though its scary and difficult, it feels good to get it off my chest.

Sometimes we need to reflect on things as we write, in a safe place like here, with family around us to make things better.

I know you maybe dont want to hear it, but you are not toxic or damaged goods. You are a wonderful kind human being who has made some mistakes and mixed with the wrong people. You are brave and strong, thoughtful and sweet. I havent known you for long but i do know you are all those things. I can see it in your words, in the kisses at the end of your posts to us, in your concerned nature.

Think about a few years ago, could you imagine being in this space? sober, independant, a new family by your side (us) the strength you have shown the past months has inspired me.

you ARE sensitive, so am i, so is LD, so is Millie....we work on it, we accept it, we lean on each other and we live with it. Its hard yes, but we have each other. 4 super strong women.

Im glad you are here SD and im glad you feel comfortable enough to share your life with us.

Ill be thinking of you today and sending you love across to Italy xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-22-2017, 05:06 AM   #74
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

I just want to say THANK you so so much for your understanding LD & Alexis. Your words are like a much needed soothing cuddle to me!
You've been brilliant. Grazie, grazie, grazie 😀
Tomorrow afternoon I will know if he's getting out.
Today I'm going to keep busy and go to bed before midnight so I don't turn into a pumpkin, and I can be fresh and fit to face whatever news tomorrow brings! 😀
Sunday is my favourite day of the week. Why ruin it with worry & crappy thoughts? 😀
Have a wonderful day too everyone.
Lots of LOVE😘😘😘😘😘
Xxxxxxxooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-22-2017, 09:11 AM   #75
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Hey SD, no need to thank me, my words were from the heart, to you.

Good idea to get to bed early and be ready for tomorrow. It will all be ok no matter what happens. we have your back!

Sundays, well our lovely Tryn has his special sundays too.

Keep talking SD! I feel you growing with each post xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-22-2017, 10:24 AM   #76
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

You betcha SD have a nice Sunday. It is windy here. Remember you can do anything and you are so smart and witty it is amazing....
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-23-2017, 07:41 AM   #77
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

He got 2 years in prison.

I feel a mixture of relief and immense sadness.


Love to you all from me and my littlest cat, Gypsy, who is of great comfort right now purring by my side.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-23-2017, 07:52 AM   #78
NancyB
Administrator
 
Posts: 25,466
Default

Hi soapdish, totally understandable the mixture of emotions you are feeling. Keep remembering that HE did it to HIMSELF by refusing to get treatment.

I feel relief for you in that you can now feel freedom and not have to worry about him lurking around you.

Hugs,

Nancy
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
NancyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-23-2017, 09:10 AM   #79
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

Big Hug!
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-23-2017, 12:07 PM   #80
Sam Bailey
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1,630
Default

Hey SD!

Of course, you're going to feel LOTS of conflicting emotions. So normal, those feelings are.

However, no matter what your heart tries to persuade you, please don't listen. If you must listen, listen only to the truth of what happened, while rejecting all the lies he tells about your great good future together.

You know this, once you separate from the emotional chains, your lives will never get better...hell, you two will never have a decent future...until he MAKES the decision to get help.

He cannot be a drunk/addict in active addiction when you two are together.

Be strong, SD---stand up for YOUR OWN LIFE!

sam
Sam Bailey is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-23-2017, 05:09 PM   #81
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Same as nancy, im relieved he wont be around you. You can focus on YOU, the most important thing in the world, recovery, happiness, peace.

Keep moving forward, with Gypsy. Love to you both xxx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-24-2017, 08:09 PM   #82
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Tee hee, Nancy...'Lurking' ... oh ha ha ha that verb made me smile! So true.

Thank you EVERYONE. I wanted to post yesterday but I am so exhausted. I think this past month's worry and insomnia is finally catching up on me. Now I have a fever. Probably because my body has finally relaxed, it's all coming out.

Sam, I don't plan on seeing him. He has a power over me that I don't understand. Seeing him would undo everything and we'd both be back to square one. Like you said to me at the beginning of the thread, the relationship was dysfunctional on so many levels. I don't believe there is any future for 'us'. Not after this.
I am doing just great without him here. He needs help for his addictions but not only.
I have spent the past 3 and a half years with his addiction at the centre of my universe but I know in my heart that it wasn't the only issue.
It was just more convenient and easier for us to blame it on the alcohol.

Yes I'm listening to the truth of what happened and now that I am not in the middle of it and awaken from a hash-filled numbness, I can remember. I think he enjoyed hurting me and he enjoyed asserting his physical power over me.
Well, that's really horrible isn't it?
Once he locked me in the kitchen, kicked and threw me across the room. But when a neighbour came to the window to see what the noise was about, he suddenly became the perfect gentleman. He hadn't lost control because he was drunk. Not at all. I could go on with examples (don't worry, I won't!)

It's hard for me to explain.
I feel like I've been leading a double life. So professional at work. So messed up at home. Hiding a terrible secret for so long. Cheating on my family and loved ones by staying with this man. He could have killed me.
I feel so tired.

Well, none of it matters now. I guess mostly I was able to overlook the violence because I felt worthless and deserving of it (Horray I'm using the past tense).

I am not angry with him. I am too placid and self-contained. It's my strength and weakness. It's how I got here in the first place. When I think of him, I automatically feel a magnetic draw to him and I get a flash of his smiling face and all the good things about him. How warped is that?

So yes...I will listen only to the truth. Without him here I can keep doing that. Nonetheless I feel dirty because of my enabling and for allowing him to be so awful to me.

People have been telling me he was just a bad guy. I don't know where I stand on the thought that there are bad people and good people. I have always thought that anyone can change, if they actually want to. But I'm not so sure. Are some people beyond help? Are some people rotten to the core? I mean people who prey on those weaker than themselves. Can they really change?
I think I think too much and I should go to bed!

Long winded again, sorry!

xxx

Last edited by soapdish; 01-24-2017 at 08:18 PM.. Reason: removed some paragraphs.
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to soapdish For This Useful Post:
Thank You (01-24-2017)
Unread 01-24-2017, 08:49 PM   #83
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

rest and get well soon, sleep really good....
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-25-2017, 07:40 AM   #84
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Ok friends,

That's enough introspection!

I'm gonna stop going on about him.

I wrote him a letter, got everything off my chest. Tomorrow when the new load of wood arrives, I'll have a little ceremony and burn the letter in the fireplace.

At the weekend I will make a poster with words of advice to myself...

Start each day with a happy thought...
Be grateful...
Make peace with the past...
Think through that first drink...
Acknowledge yourself, then forget yourself. Extend your hand to others but Don't be a doormat....

A bit of a nambypamby thing to do but I want to try my new calligraphy pens!

Sending love and huge hugs to all of you
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-25-2017, 09:45 AM   #85
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Hey SD, lately i just smile and smile at your posts! Read them back and see how strong you are! How funny and intelligent you are. Im so happy you are part of this family now, you settled in so quickly

Your poster is a great idea and something which will definitely help you i think. We should all have some mantras around our houses to turn too when we need it most.

Hoping you have a wonderful day and keep smiling

Love & peace xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-26-2017, 04:04 AM   #86
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

They say when it rains, it pours.
Dad fell yesterday and broke his femur. He's in hospital having surgery this morning. I can't go to him because I have flu. Mum said I have to stay away in case I give him flu. He can't have an anaesthetic because of his other health problems. His whole body is falling apart. I am so worried.
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-26-2017, 04:41 AM   #87
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

SD he will be ok. Deep breathes and concentrate on getting better yourself so then you can visit him. Drink lots of water, lemsip (if they do it in Italy?) fruit...

im sorry your dad has hurt himself but our parents are stronger than we think! (i need to remember this myself)

Thinking of you SD xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-26-2017, 06:28 PM   #88
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

You always have the best advice.....Just when you extend yourself, don't forget yourself. You are strong, but you also need some plain ole rest. Sometimes it can get overwhelming. Just know that if you decide to do nothing one day (you think you're doing nothing) , it is okay, you may think it's nothing, but it's something for you.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-27-2017, 06:44 AM   #89
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

That's very true LD & Alexis.
I will do 'nothing' tomorrow evening. Take time to vegetate a little. I really need it.
Dad came out of surgery yesterday. First hurdle overcome. I am trying to get a flight for next week. My cold should be cleared up by then.

Wishing you all a lovely day
Xxxxxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to soapdish For This Useful Post:
Thank You (01-27-2017), Thank You (01-27-2017)
Unread 01-27-2017, 02:59 PM   #90
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

I forgot to wish your dad a speedy recovery. Bless his heart.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-28-2017, 09:13 AM   #91
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

How are you today SD? xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-28-2017, 05:23 PM   #92
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Aw I'm a bit up and down to be honest! But I'm hanging in there!

xxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-29-2017, 03:44 PM   #93
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Tell us more if you like SD, or just accumulation of everything? Hope you feel better today xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-29-2017, 09:40 PM   #94
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

I hope your evening is going well. Thinking of you and wishing good things for you.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-30-2017, 06:51 AM   #95
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Hey there! Thanks for writing to me. Dangerous inviting me to vent! ....

Yes I'm just overwhelmed and I hate being ill. I am worried about dad, my sister is being a jerk, there are mountains of work to do, endless sorting and creating my lessons, newsletters to write, cleaning, obligatory cheerfulness and energy needed to work well and all I feel like doing is curling up into a ball and hibernating until spring.

I've booked my ticket to Manchester for Friday so I know I have to get my strength and positivity back by then so that I'm fit and ready to help mum and dad.

Don't worry about me though. I'm just complaining. I am ok, I just have to stay vigilant and keep my behaviour and thoughts in check.

I wish you all a happy day.
Lots of LOVE and warm hugs
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to soapdish For This Useful Post:
Thank You (01-30-2017)
Unread 01-30-2017, 07:36 AM   #96
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

You are going through a lot SD, keep breathing and talking to us here, we can be with you!

How funny that you will be in Manchester, the airport is just 30 mins on the tram from me...!! Is this the closest that one of us has been to each other? Maybe!!

I hope you have a wonderful day too SD, and keep venting!

xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-01-2017, 08:09 AM   #97
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

So everything is just on stand by now.
I didn't make the poster, I didn't burn the letter. I haven't continued fixing all the broken things in the house. I haven't been going to bed early and my eating habits are vety erratic.
So I am good at writing about my intentions but not putting them into action! Feel really hypocritical.

I feel like I'm just waiting for something. I'm not sure what. Better days? Maybe. I'm just finding it hard to stay motivated at work and I can't settle down to do anything.
So the plan is to get to Friday. Go home and then pull my socks up! Dedicate my energies to what's happening at home. Then, next week, I will try to be more proactive and get myself out of this rut.
Last Monday I went out on a kind of date with an aquaintance. It was a really stupid thing to do and I dug myself into a big hole. I'm no way near ready. Much too early. Silly silly me! It just dragged everything up again. So much for inner healing. Why do we torture ourselves so?
So yeah, feeling a bit disappointed in myself. But most of all, I just can't be bothered doing anything.
Put my name in the apathetic hall of fame !
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-01-2017, 11:16 AM   #98
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Hey SD, wow do i know that feeling. Being good at writing intentions down but not doing it? im the star of that. Dont feel bad about it, i know you will do because i do too, but we shouldnt.

I think getting to Friday, seeing your family, then when you are back in Italy 'starting over' is a good idea. Maybe write a few lists? Intentions? Even writing them down helps, and if you cant do it all at once, thats ok too. Just little steps. You have been through a lot and need time to heal and get healthy again.

I know how it is, i know what will help my mental health, but when it comes down to it, i dont always DO those things, its hard. Its really hard.

Keep moving forward, keep talking to us, keep being kind to yourself. Better days will come i promise you xx
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-01-2017, 08:18 PM   #99
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

I hope things ease for you. You're doing so well and I am proud of you.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-02-2017, 08:54 AM   #100
soapdish
Senior Member
 
Posts: 371
Default

Thanks!

Yes...just little steps.

So the last 3 days I've been smoking dope. I got it to help me sleep and eat, which it helped me with, but I feel terrible again and I've also done something really stupid. I've been playing with fire and I feel like a total cretin.

But at least I have confirmation that I honestly DON'T want to go down any dangerous paths anytime soon. I know I'm on a slippery slope and I have to stay vigilant and well, start over. Nevermind.
The start is to be quiet, calm and positive. Retrain myself to combat negative and useless thoughts. Then I can go on rebuilding my life, starting with the small practical things like fixing the window and sanding the door. And stay away from men and dope!
and like myself more.

Big hugs
xxxxxxxx
soapdish is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:56 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors