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Unread 04-10-2015, 07:39 PM   #1
uthnkuknosom1
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Default Only place I can ask. Husband drinking after 30 yrs sober

Sorry to be here but the family and friends board does not seem to be as active as this one. So Im cross-posting. Just curious to see what anyone has to say.

My husband and I have been married for almost 27 yrs. He had been sober for 5 before we met and did not have a lick of alcohol until October 2013, when out of the blue he decided life was just too complicated, there was too much going on and well, forget God and the fact he's born again, apparently his faith ain't deep enough so the obvious course of action was to drink again, behind my back, for months and months at a time until one day I smelled something funny when he kissed me and did not know how to approach the subject because I just knew that the last thing he would EVER do would be to drink again. I finally confronted him after that one afternoon, but not about alcohol. He had changed a lot, making strange night time outings and acting peculiarly different around me, not to mention he was basically not sleeping with me, so I figured he was having an affair. When I confronted him I asked him if he was and he seemed hesitant to answer me then said, no, I am not but there is something you should know, I have been drinking. Needless to say I was shocked. Had he simply said yes, I am having an affair, I would have believed him more. But coming from him, a person who had not had a single drop of alcohol in more than 28 years! is definitely something I still can not understand. He has blamed it on me (that I question his fidelity) he has blamed it on our daughters (that they are now grown and gone and there's nothing he can do about that) he has blamed it on our business (that he's just too busy and can't take it anymore) you name it and he'll blame it on that. I don't know the man he has become. He is definitely not the same person I once knew. Hiding alcohol in the car, in the bathroom, chugging beer while driving home!! Drinking at night just before taking his meds! I mean, he absolutely does not care at all about what he is doing.The level of defiance that he is displaying is absolutely outside of the character of the person I married! And he doesn't seem to care??!! Because, of course, he is in control. He doesn't get drunk or act stupid, nor does he lose his temper like some other people that drink do. He just is not the same. I have no desire to be around the person he is when he has had a couple of beers. No, I don't understand alcoholics. I don't understand or accept the term alcoholism. I don't see it as a disease but as a choice. Sorry if anyone here is offended by my train of thinking but, I am not one and I can't understand how somebody can just give in so easily to an addiction. When it is so obvious is a matter of choice. You either choose to drink or you don't.

Oh well. Needed to vent. finally out of my system. Thanks.
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Unread 04-10-2015, 07:47 PM   #2
DianeC
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Uthnk, I won't go into any explications in relation to your thoughts and opinions; I will offer this suggestion, and I think it's a good one. Please find an Al-Anon group near you and attend their meetings. I think this is the best course. You cannot make choices for others. You can make choices on how you react to their choices, and I think al anon should be able to help you do that. Good luck...
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Unread 04-10-2015, 07:58 PM   #3
gmasusie
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Good advice, Diane. They can help family understand the dynamics of alcoholism.
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Unread 04-10-2015, 11:39 PM   #4
Saint
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Uthnkuknosom1,

Welcome! You have received great advice re attending Alanon for support and understanding. I would urge you to seek out support from people who are or who have experienced what you find yourself now living through. Know that unfortunately you are not alone. There are many that live, or have lived through addiction via a spouse or other loved one. I am of course biased but addiction is an insidious disease, blighting all that it comes in contact with.

Your husband sounds like he is exhibiting typical alcoholic behavior. He is trying to justify and rationalize his drinking to you. For whatever reason he chose to drink and is now caught up in the black hole of addiction once again. It is up to your husband to decide he wants sobriety and that he will seek out help if he is unable to stop on his own. Your husband was sober once for a very long period of time and he can be sober again, with help and support. That choice, ultimately resides with him.

It may be hard for you to understand how an alcoholic decides to drink once again but for an alcoholic it is easy to understand. Your husband took the easy way out of dealing with life on life's terms. He sought an escape and he found it.

Feel free to continue posting here, ask questions, etc. I wish you and your husband the best. I'm sure others will be along.

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 04-12-2015, 08:42 AM   #5
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon Uthnkuknosom. Bright blessings to you.

Please do not feel the need to say "sorry for being here", it simply shows someone who loves and is desperately worried about the special person in their life. Once an alcoholic has taken a drink their thinking changes, (often refered to as "drinking thinking") and an alcoholics behaviour will become predominantly selfish and those around are often used as justifications. NONE of that belongs to you even though it effects you to the core.

Dianes suggestion to pop along to al anon, who can help so very much is supporting those effected by others drinking to navigate through how to cope, as, many say that an alcoholic needs to be strong in order to become sober, little isd taken into account how incredibly strong those who loves alcoholics are, and often they may feel very alone and left confused and wondering what to do. Al Anon can help you there.

Re trying to understand what could possibly have made your husband pick up again after all these years, Saint said it all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Uthnknosom
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Unread 04-12-2015, 12:59 PM   #6
gmasusie
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Remember that your husband has a disease. He has an addiction. It is not his fault or your fault. We wish you well on the journey ahead. I was so fortunate that for 50 years of drinking, my husband stayed with me and stood with me. That has a great deal to do with my ability to finally overcome the addiction, with medical help and the help of all my friends here.
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Unread 04-12-2015, 06:23 PM   #7
jenm
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Hi Uthnkuknosom!

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband has returned to drinking. Unfortunately, many of us have lost our choice in the area of alcohol. It really is a biological and psychological disease. It is very hard to understand for someone who does not have alcoholism, I totally get that. This is why al-anon would be a huge help I think. I don't think any of us grew up wishing that we could be an alcoholic so that we could destroy lives, families, lose jobs, and all the other crap that goes with it. If it were just a choice for me, I would have made the choice to not drink way before I suffered the serious and devastating consequences that I did.

Besides al-anon, learn about addiction. Alcoholism is one of the top three killers in the United States. Right up there with heart disease. I wish you the very best, and I'm sorry to hear of your struggle right now. Take care and please keep posting! Jenm
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