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Unread 02-21-2015, 10:07 PM   #1
ma316
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Default Struggling Wife

Hello! My husband and I have been struggled in our marriage for at least the last two years and he was becoming emotionally abusive. I finial sought therapy and once "the lights were turned on" I realized my husband was taking pain-killers. I then realized he was struggles with more then just addiction to pain-killers, but also gambling, food, shopping. (To note my husband experienced traumatic events throughout childhood.) I confronted him, he was remorseful and took some responsibility. He decided to seek individual counselor as well. For the next couple weeks he was really trying and seemed to be saying all the right things. However, after a couple more weeks I feel that things are back to where they were. I feel in the dark, I don't know what to believe, I can't trust him, and I'm also so tired of feeling this way. I continuously go from feeling angry and resentful to feelings compassion and sympathy for him. Our lives are complicated, like everything else's....we have two small children. I often wish that someone just could give me all the answers and tell me what to do and when to do it....so I'm here looking for support, advice, anything that could help me get through this.
Thank you in advance!
ma316
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Unread 02-21-2015, 10:42 PM   #2
maxxx
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Hey Ma,
Just some thoughts and experience from a guy whos been there. Four years ago I was your hubby. Not only did I become a opiate addict I also learned how to manipulate my x wife in to believing I was fine and everything would work out. Boy was I wroug. I couldnt stop. I didnt care to. I wanted this pain free life style. Back in 07 i found the wroug playmates and places. I kept my then wife at bay for a time by throwing money amd fun at her. By the end of 2010 i was cooked. Lost everything because I was so obsessed with pills and the life. .Everything was gone. I was 7 short years from retirement in my eyes and the bankbook said so too..

What changed? in one word, desperation. ! The will to change. Even my divorce in 09 didnt cause change. two friends died from the disease of addiction. He has to want it Ma. Oipate addiction is such a stroug pull .
He needs something to snap it, to break it. to stop for a period of time . To be clear headed for a time. To see what he has to lose, to keep..He is so lucky to have you and thoses childen. .
I called a friend at the very end one morning. He got me in to see a Dr who in turn put me on Suboxone. that was 4 years and two months ago. I hav t looked back.
Ya I joined a 12 step NA group for 3 years, had counseling, was in an IOP for 12 weeks. I needed it. It all helped me see that I wasn't alone in all of this. That Others too could be helped and I could help them.
Your hub has reached out and taking a few first steps. He seems willing, but needs more help. A few talks with a counselor isnt going to do it imo..Talk to him about more help. Its out here...

I hope more folks will come aloug with more advice. This is just how Im doing it today and how I got here..Life is good.... MAXXX..

PS. Got back with the X wife 3 years ago...change can happen Ma...
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Unread 02-21-2015, 11:41 PM   #3
ma316
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Thank you so much MAXXX! I've been reading and understand that the person has to want it, has to have that "desperation" to make change. Maybe that's where I'm struggling....I see my husband have some insight on what this can mean for our family and us. I see him making some efforts to want to change, however, I feel that he is still holding back...not really expecting the fact that he has an addiction and therefore can continue to "please" me as he finds news ways to use and keep us. So do I question? Try to hold him accountable? I feel like I don't know how to handle the "trying" with the "using".......
Again thank you!
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Unread 02-22-2015, 10:07 AM   #4
NancyB
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Hi ma316, welcome. maxxx has a lot of good insight - thanks for sharing maxxx!

One thing that has helped some people is writing a letter explaining how you feel, and what the addiction is doing to you and your family. Have it be non-confrontational nor accusing, just explain the consequences of his addiction on people other than himself. Leave it for him when he can read it by himself.

You could also print out this, it's a very powerful letter nan posted a while ago:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=26236

In my opinion, yes, you can hold him accountable. You could also start making boundaries and draw up a contract with him - things that you expect him to do and what will happen if he doesn't. With small children in your home, one of the things could be for him to not be around if he is under the influence; and no drugs in the house. Both are things that could put your children in jeopardy of harm. You could write down expectations of him getting help, to submit to random drug screens by you (you can get dipstick drug tests online or at a pharmacy), things like that.

I hope that's helpful.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 02-22-2015, 02:39 PM   #5
ma316
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Thank you Nancy! All of those things are very helpful. I have trouble talking to him, always in fear of the emotional abuse, however, your right, a letter would work very well here. I'm very good at being supportive and know I can do that. The built up anger is harder to know what to do with. I know the addiction is a very selfish thing, I know that it can take control over him and therefore, making poor decision, but even knowing that doesn't make it easier for me to decrease my anger and sadness. The betrayal piece of addiction if very hard for me to deal with.......
But again, thank you! This has been helpful!
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Unread 02-22-2015, 02:40 PM   #6
ma316
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Also any information or insight into the dynamics of addiction in relationship/marriage would be very much appreciated!!!! Thank you!
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Unread 02-22-2015, 03:18 PM   #7
maxxx
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Hey Ma,
Do you have any idea how large his oipate addiction is? just how much he takes everyday. How mhch money he is spending on them?
Do you feel that the pills are the main problem? More than anything else?...
A plan needs to be set Ma. Boundies too. And if or when there broken what happens next.
Relationships are the very first thing to go or suffer. If a person isnt in there right mind I dont see how the relationship can truely start to turn around.
I an others have lived it. Opiates do that to a person. It truned me into a monster. .Your husband needs his bottom razed. That means before he loses everything before he WANTS help..Right now from what you ve said, he is trying to do both. ..We all here want to nelp you anyway we can Ma..

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Unread 02-23-2015, 11:40 AM   #8
ma316
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Thank you again! I'm so glad that I found this...I feeling better just being able to talk and get advice.
Regarding your questions MAXXX, no, I have no idea how long this has be going on or how much he uses. I've asked these questions however have not been given an answer. I suspect at these 2 years since that is when I started to seeing suspicious behaviors. I believe that he spends money on pills, but he has denied this. I believe that the pill and possible gambling are the main issues. We currently do not sure a banking account and he does not want to get a joint one. So this will cause some difficulty for me regarding holding his accountable for money issues. I admitted that I've been very gullible and trusting on my husband even when I thought he was lying. I would just say to myself that I'm being too sensitive or overreacting.
But again you guys are right, boundaries need to be set and discussion need to be had. This is scary! But I am feeling a little more confident......thank you MAXXX! I really appreciate your time and advice!
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Unread 02-23-2015, 06:15 PM   #9
NancyB
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Hi ma316, if he doesn't want to get a joint checking account, maybe as part of the contract he will need to hand over his check to you and you will give him only enough money for gas, and whatever else. Especially in the beginning. He won't have money to tempt him. Or he has to provide you with some accountability of where his money is going.

I'm glad you're building confidence!

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 02-24-2015, 04:10 PM   #10
Eliza12
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Hi ma,

It's important for you to take good care of yourself while going through this. I just wanted to post a link for you to Naranon, a group that has meetings for the families of drug addicts. It can be helpful to go and hear how others are dealing with it.

http://www.nar-anon.org

Best
Elizabeth
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Unread 02-24-2015, 10:00 PM   #11
maxxx
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Default Struggling Wife

Hey Ma,
So, you have your own money and account, right? I hope so. Sounds like it. If so, make sure you protect that moneyor account. If and when real change begins for him dont leave your accounts out or handy.

Since he has started counseling keep pushing this for the both of you. If his pill addiction is out of control as it seems, best to start researching Suboxone treatment aloug with his counseling. He could do very well with this.
Many many have. .
Peer support is important, not only for him but you too. Since I have no idea how involved his addictions are or know nothing about gambling addicions, then it seems to me a professional evaluation may be need so you two can address the problem.. and please try to keep tbe lines of communication opened between the both of you.

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Unread 02-27-2015, 06:57 AM   #12
NancyB
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Hi ma316, checking in to see how you're doing. Let us know when you have time.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 03-03-2015, 11:20 AM   #13
ma316
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Hello!
Thank you all so much! All of the information provided has been helpful!Again I'm so glad I found this to assist me during this time. Things are ok. I have been seeing an individual therapist on my own and believe that this will continue to help me to realize that I have no control or real influence over my husband's addictive behaviors. I'm also trying hard to "take one day at a time" approach. Unfortunately, I still have allot of trust issues and don't believe everything that my husband says, which makes communication hard. But I do believe that he is making steps in the right directions, by seeking a therapist and identifying that there is a problem.
I know that boundaries will be hard for me, because I tend to be very supportive and sometimes enabling, however, hopefully with my new coping skills and you guys I will get through it. I'm still feeling confident in my abilities, so thank you!!!
ma316
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Unread 03-03-2015, 02:39 PM   #14
NancyB
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Hi ma316, it sounds like things are moving the right direction. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. It's only natural to not believe everything he says, it is he who has to earn your trust. So I hope you don't feel guilty about not believing him.

These links are from AlcoholAnswers.org (the alcohol dependence forum on Addiction Survivors is connected to that). http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friend...do-to-help.cfm

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friend...for-myself.cfm

Thought they might be of interest.

So happy you're still confident!

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 04-10-2015, 01:26 PM   #15
ma316
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Hi All!
So my good streak ended and I'm feeling like my husband has possible started using pills again. Is it possible for someone to be addicted to a low does of pain killers? Everything I read states that pill use typically increases quickly, but it seems that my husband has some level of control in the amount he uses, which could just be because he doesn't have the money. Anyways, any feedback would be great!
Thanks!
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Unread 04-11-2015, 11:47 PM   #16
morphing
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Hi Ma,

I think you mentioned earlier that you thought this had been going on for about 2 years? If it's been that long I doubt he would be using just a little, unless he is limited due to finances.

What makes you think he has started using again? I know I would be calmer, happier, better to be around when I was using.

Is he willing to seek Suboxone treatment? If he has been addicted for 2 years it is unlikely that he can just stop "cold turkey". Some people do, but roughly 90% relapse fairly soon. The Suboxone treatment stops the withdrawal symptoms (which are nearly impossible to tolerate) as well as the cravings, so that the individual can focus on addressing the real issues that are causing the problem (the problem being masked by the pills).
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