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Unread 03-16-2015, 08:39 PM   #101
R. Lee
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Millie, Congratulations on thinking through that urge to drink.
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Unread 03-16-2015, 11:04 PM   #102
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Great job thinking through that first drink! It really works and it is amazing how interlaced alcohol and our lives are when we drink. It takes time but the urges and their intensity will diminish with sober time. For me it was then replaced with a period of time where the idea that one drink would be ok. Such is the power of addiction. It can hammer us with a craving or it can slowly sneak up on us. Knowledge and awareness of what to expect is beneficial. Learn about addiction, know that you are not alone in your struggle. We have been where you find yourself today. RLee suggestion of thinking through that first drink has proven itself invaluable to me time and time again. It works if you work it!

Think about sobriety. We move towards and become that which we think about.

Again, Nice job thinking it through!!

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Unread 03-17-2015, 11:22 AM   #103
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Nice going, Millie!

The run sounds fun, too - you won! I must admit, I'm not a fan if running in the rain unless it's a trail run, which then makes me feel like a kid splashing through puddles and getting all dirty.

That reminds me, I've signed up for a 25k run this weekend which I totally forgot about, so wish me luck!
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Unread 03-17-2015, 12:03 PM   #104
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Millie great job during the weekend thinking thru not to drink...awesome job on 8K....you are doing great...just keep doing what you are doing...I know how sharp you feel at work when you don't drink...

Great job Millie have a good day friend...
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Unread 03-17-2015, 03:26 PM   #105
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Thanks, everyone, and good morning.

SecretTiger, a 25k! Good luck! I haven't tried trail running. I was trained in nest searching as a bird researcher, and when I hike on trails I seem to have to take in every minute detail and it takes me forever. I'm afraid if I run through the forest I'll miss something. It does sound like fun though. Maybe some day...

And Saint, wise words as always. I know that my good friend who is doing this with me for Lent is going to go back to "one drink being ok" after Easter (he has said as much), and I'm not looking forward to that, and how it will make me feel. So I'm soaking in the camaraderie now and just taking this current happy feeling day by day.

Thanks once again for your support, you guys. I honestly don't think I would have done this without you.
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Unread 03-17-2015, 07:31 PM   #106
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You can really run, how amazing and it is hard sometimes to break those drinking habits, but you did. Once , you break it once, you will have less or no urge again. Nice to hear you are doing well and much support to you.
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Unread 03-18-2015, 08:59 AM   #107
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Somebody I once met while training for an ultramarathon said "I run on roads when I have to and on trails when I get to." I totally get that, but I'm just happy I can get to run at all.

I've always loved the outdoors, so trail running is an extension of that, I guess. On top of that, I just love going for mile after mile in the mountains. Stick me on a road and I get bored after 10km or so, but put me on a trail and I can go all day. I can't recommend it enough.
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Unread 03-18-2015, 02:55 PM   #108
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Nice, Bird research sounds very interesting...I have been to Grand Canyon both on north and south rim...I always wondered how or what is it to trek from north to south rim ....one day probably will do that...

Good job Mille keep doing what you are doing...

Have a great day!...
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Unread 03-19-2015, 03:20 PM   #109
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Hey Millie how is it going ..?
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Unread 03-19-2015, 05:26 PM   #110
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Thanks for asking, Iamtrying. I hadn't really noticed that I hadn't commented on my own thread.

Things are going well. It's helping that I'm unbelievably busy between training for a half marathon and playing in a high school musical production with kids who are endearingly tone-deaf. Not a single one of them can carry a tune. It's comically sweet.

Without any time to myself, it has not been that difficult to not drink. So that's been nice. I do worry about what will happen once I have more leisure time. But I'll worry about that if it ever gets here! And I wrote in my little book that yesterday was day 30. Which I think is pretty darn cool. Been a few years since I've been sober that long. Reveling in the evenness and clarity I didn't know I was missing.

Thanks again for your support.
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Unread 03-19-2015, 05:45 PM   #111
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30 days is pretty darn cool! Congratulations! The toughest part is over. You should be proud of yourself! I am.
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Unread 03-20-2015, 12:04 AM   #112
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Millie it only gets better!

Congrats on 30 days sober!!!!

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Unread 03-20-2015, 06:52 AM   #113
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Congratulations on 30 days Millie!

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Unread 03-20-2015, 09:50 AM   #114
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Hi Millie,

Yep, big congratulations for your 30 days!

Say, did I miss it? That Production you're doing, the high school musical, what show is it? No matter, of course---just curious. Also, one of the great recollected joys of my life, all those times, and many there were, when I would take my kids (Mrs. Sam, too) to a play...and the best were always musicals.

Still love 'em today, but back then, priceless. As are the memories.

Oh, and you are so cute describing the "tone deaf" kids as "comically sweet." Great attitude, Millie.

Stay strong; stay alert. And always, reach out for help. You're doing it, kid. Good for you!

best

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Unread 03-20-2015, 11:07 AM   #115
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Millie, Congratulations on 30 days of sobriety.
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Unread 03-20-2015, 01:58 PM   #116
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Congrats Millie, you came here and continue to grow each day. I enjoy your posts and wish you the best each day.
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Unread 03-20-2015, 01:59 PM   #117
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Good afternoon Millie. Bright blessings to you.

How does it feel? ....No....not being sober today.....how does it feel to know you put the hard yards in to be sober today?....Pretty darn good eh?

Sams posts always take my breath away, there is simply nothing else to say other than, good on you girl. In the east end we say Pukka.

Congratulations. Long may you be happy with sobriety.

Be Peaceful, as Sam says, keep your eye on the prize. Loveness to you Millie
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Unread 03-20-2015, 05:36 PM   #118
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Congrats 30 days!...you are doing awesome...
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Unread 03-21-2015, 01:06 AM   #119
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Millie,

Congratulations on 30 days sober! Certainly a milestone and a testament to you. Thank you for believing in yourself, taking a chance on a better way of life. There will be challenges ahead but if it was easy we would all have been sober a long time ago.

You are not alone. Others have gone before us and paved the road so there is no point in going it alone should things get tough. Reach out and someone will be there. Don't be hard on yourself, beat yourself up. We have a disease and with work and time, we can begin the process of healing ourselves physically and mentally. The key point is to remain sober throughout. To identify within yourself the reasons why you drink.

Learn about addiction, learn about yourself, but please be kind to yourself in the process. All the years of drinking, knowing I had a problem, denying it to others, lying about it, feeling hopeless, yikes it took a toll on my self esteem. Put the past behind you and take it a day at a time. Sobriety is worth it. YOU are worth it.

Peace,
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Unread 03-23-2015, 12:13 PM   #120
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Saint you're on fire.

Loveness to you Millie.
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Unread 03-23-2015, 12:50 PM   #121
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Hi Millie how was your weekend...hope you are doing good...Day 34 now ?
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Unread 03-23-2015, 06:27 PM   #122
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Thank you everyone. It does feel very good. I think I wrote 33 days in my book last night (and added the happy face to the calendar!).

The weekend was busy, a good thing. Sundays are still hard, spending my evening alone. I struggled a little but it passed. The thought never actually entered my mind to get into the car and go to the store. I am happy it never made it that far. And over the whole weekend I noticed weird triggers that were surprising. I know they'll always be there...

Sam - it was The Music Man. At an all girls Catholic school. So yep, Harold was played by a girl. It was so funny, for all the wrong reasons. Still very fun though. I don't go to see many musicals, oddly enough, but I love playing them!

Tryn, how do you pronounce "pukka"? I love to stump my friends with slang I pick up on Coronation Street, and this sounds like a great addition.

Saint, of course you are absolutely right about the self-esteem and the constant learning. Funny thing how (like with spiders and creepy critters) the more you learn, the less scary and daunting things are, and the easier it is to sympathize with them just trying to get along like everyone else. That goes for introspection too, it turns out.

Thank you to everyone. Each one of you has changed lives for the better by being here. (((hugs all around)))
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Unread 03-23-2015, 06:31 PM   #123
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Millie,

Believe it or not, those trigger become less hard-wired as time goes on. Then one day you realize you have gone weeks or months without even thinking about drinking.

Halleluja!
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Unread 03-24-2015, 09:44 AM   #124
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My life has also changed for the better for being here, Millie! I send thanks for this and wishes for a day filled with peace to you and others...
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Unread 03-24-2015, 01:46 PM   #125
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Congrats on Day 33...good job
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Unread 03-24-2015, 02:15 PM   #126
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Thanks gmasusie, DianeC and iamtrying.

As it turned out I guess that had been 34. So it's been 35 now.

This week I have almost no obligations, so lots of unstructured evenings. Could be interesting. Hoping I can fill that time with productive things.
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Unread 03-24-2015, 06:31 PM   #127
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Millie, Congratulations on 35 days of sobriety. Keep it up.
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Unread 03-24-2015, 07:08 PM   #128
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Read books, invite someone to play scrabble, go hang out at the library! Wlk in the park, go to a play, etc...................... You'd be amazed how many free things there are to do. Do you live in a city? Check parks and rec, community centers, etc.
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Unread 03-25-2015, 02:58 PM   #129
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All good ideas, gmasusie. As it turns out, it appears that between running/gym, cooking, walking the dog and sleep, I actually am able to fill my evenings quite nicely. Three of those four had been neglected while drinking...
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Unread 03-25-2015, 07:41 PM   #130
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Good! Sounds like you have an action plan. Sorry for being presumptuous.
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Unread 03-25-2015, 07:45 PM   #131
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Oh not at all presumptuous. I loved your suggestions. My "as it turned out" was based on two nights that managed to fill themselves. I'm keeping your list on hand!
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Unread 03-25-2015, 07:49 PM   #132
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Thanks.
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Unread 03-26-2015, 11:42 AM   #133
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nice job Millie, we just have to keep moving in a strong sober direction and get into a good habit of having fun in our lives instead of drinking. It is day to day for me, but I don't think about it too much like I used to. Hope you have a nice spring day!
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Unread 03-26-2015, 01:42 PM   #134
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Thanks, lostdog. Agreed, it's all about forming new habits. A very interesting process.

You have a good day too!
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Unread 03-26-2015, 06:24 PM   #135
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Hello everyone. I am so thrilled that we've had spring weather here today. I can't think of a year that I've awaited spring with so much anticipation... perhaps because of all the snow and long, cold winter... I love winter as I love all seasons, but I'm ready for warmth and sunshine. I wish for everyone a lovely day and evening. Take care, all...
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Unread 03-26-2015, 08:37 PM   #136
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Yes Diane in Michigan we are looking forward to spring too.
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Unread 03-27-2015, 08:48 AM   #137
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Good afternoon Millie. Bright blessings to you.

I have been reading through your posts and it is so very lovely to see you growing into your sobriety a day at a time. Would i be right in thinking this may be day 37?

I think Lost Dog got it spot on by saying that day by day things change. I am also aware that the big place has had some pretty severe weather of late, so i really hope you are able to enjoy jumping and skipping with your dreams on beautiful spring days.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Millie
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Unread 03-30-2015, 03:29 PM   #138
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Well, I had made it to 41 days. And then last night I had a couple of drinks. Not drunk, but still not the greatest decision.

I had run 11 miles earlier in the day, the longest run I'd done since January. I was very hungry afterward and ate, but the thought just kept creeping in. I am sure my blood sugar was quite out of whack, and that was affecting my judgment. None of that is an excuse, but I think that's why it happened.

Anyway, I'm not beating myself up for it. It was a bad decision, and I have a headache today as payment. So now I know that can happen, and will be more aware in the future.

And despite that action, I am still very motivated. I have actually written (and shared my writing with an actual other person!) in the past month, which I have not done in soooo long. And I'm really motivated to do more of that. I've hugely enjoyed exercising so much, and waking up to mental sunshine in the mornings, and getting my Fitbit 13000 steps a day in, and I want more of that. I don't get any of those gifts today.

So there it is. It's a beautiful sunny day here, strangely nice for this part of the world during this part of the year, and while I do have to work all day, I can see it through the windows and be thankful that I'm here, that I have you guys, and that today I may be a little wiser than I was yesterday. Headache and all.

Onward, day 1.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 04:24 PM   #139
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Millie, the fact that you went 41 days is amazing. I struggle with more than a week or so before I fall off the wagon... usually just a couple of days.

You're still an inspiration to me. I had a rough weekend, and its day number one for me again today too.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 04:32 PM   #140
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Millie that's ok, it does happen and you are so positive and still going forward, good for you. Sometimes, I have to distract myself to a major degree as thinking through that first drink and it will always end miserably and then watch a show I love and can't watch drunk. Thanks for posting and sharing and have a nice day.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 04:44 PM   #141
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Thanks Hysteria and lostdog. I'm glad we're all in this together.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 06:28 PM   #142
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Millie & Hysteria, Pick yourself up brush yourselves off & start over again. Keep supporting people here. It gets us out of ourselves.
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Unread 03-30-2015, 06:35 PM   #143
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My bone to pick with 12-step programs is the shame people seem to feel for one moment of weakness. You know now that you can do it, and you will!

Good attitude. We're with you!

Susie
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Unread 03-31-2015, 10:38 AM   #144
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Good afternoon Millie. Bright blessings to you.

I have read your last post a couple of times as i find it to contain all of "Millie". There is an eclectic mix that is much energy, purpose, ability, talent and even more questions within.

I have just got back this morning from the last person that shared they had a drink they would rather not have had, a very messy affair. As we walked him down the plank he had some very savuory words!!

It just doesnt work like that! It is YOU. Millie. Your life, your choices. The first thing i recognise here after a bit of time was i had choices. I honestly thought as an alcoholic, or someone that could not do without the stuff, my choices were limited at best and darn right dodgy at worst.

There are barnstorming amounts of gifts within you. Your seemingly boundless amounts of energy....good grief....11 mile run??......it is within your grasp.....no it is not....it is WELL within your grasp.

As an aside, why after that run did you?....you were hungry? May i just suggest your body wanted sugar not alcohol?

Get out your violin.........play your blues away.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Millie
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Unread 03-31-2015, 01:13 PM   #145
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It is great that you arent beating yourself up Millie, an inspiration to me.

Stay well x
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Unread 03-31-2015, 02:43 PM   #146
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Thank you everyone. I am so grateful for all of you. Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words.

Tryn, you asked why... Well... you are right about my body wanting sugar and not really alcohol. That is absolutely true, which is why I made sure to eat... but I think I hadn't eaten enough. When I burn through 700 or 800 calories in one exercise, I need to force myself to eat more than a leftover half sandwich...

But I also, historically, have rewarded myself for long runs with drinking. As if I earned it. And I that trigger appears to be stronger than I thought, with the added mental fog of the blood sugar low. I have a half marathon in a week and a half, and I'm going to have to seriously be vigilant.
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Unread 03-31-2015, 02:47 PM   #147
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Im so impressed you can run! Im terribly unfit. I enjoy the gym when i go, but its always getting there that is the problem! I manage to talk myself out of it most of the time.
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Unread 04-01-2015, 03:04 PM   #148
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Good evening Millie. Bright blessings to you.

It may sound a bit bonkers to you, but when you say that you usually rewarded yourself with alcohol after a run, i am suggesting that you can take all the carbs, nutrition you like, but if your brain says at the end of the race., where is my reward?? that you USUALLY give me???.... what do you mean a cheese sandwich??...i need this.......shove a bagful of sweeties in yer mouth!

Job done.

Failing that, ever thought of running your races whilst playing the violin? If anyone offers something that isnt a good idea, you have something to "hand"......just a thought. (A surprisingly resonating sound)

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Millie
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Unread 04-01-2015, 03:34 PM   #149
Millie
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Tryn, your post made me chuckle.

Thing is, running actually suppresses hunger for me, and often when I'm done I can't stand the thought of food and have to force myself. Even sugar (which I oddly enough don't have much of a taste for). Yet chemically-active liquids seem to go down just fine... I do definitely, absolutely have to find a new reward though. You are 100% correct. Something just as ridiculous as alcohol but not as harmful!

Your suggestion about running with a violin really made me laugh as -- while I started on the violin -- I actually play the bass, which is about a foot taller than I am, and twice as wide. Running with that would get me in all the papers and certainly change my habits, but it might slow me down a bit...

Now that I think of it, perhaps not such a bad thing after all.

And Alexis, exercise is a great way to enhance sobriety. When I drink I don't want to exercise, and it's a pretty vicious cycle. But anyone can run. Just have to start out with small goals, sort of like one moment at a time...
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Unread 04-01-2015, 04:05 PM   #150
Alexis
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When i do go to the gym, im never hungry after, i usually force a banana down and lots of water on my way home on the bus.

i think ill start on Friday, going again. Ill try to run, ill maybe break the treadmill though

Anyway, i hope you are well!
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