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Unread 01-08-2014, 03:56 PM   #1
screamer83
Junior Member
 
Posts: 2
Default I am addict

I'm starting to be ok with that phrase. When I first went to meetings I HATED the sound of MY VOICE and THOSE WORDS. Addicts are disguisting and lowlifes and there was no way I would add myself to that category, no way. I was better than that.

Haha, I'm still an addict. I'm so glad to be off pills. I took aderall, which, to me, was legal speed. I didn't want to ask my "friends" or boyfriend because I wanted MORE than they could give so, I told my doc I had A.D.D and she wrote me a script. Boda Bing Boda Boom! Easy as hell to get! I would have killed someone for those freaking pills but all I had to do was ask. Lol

It is LITERALLY the ONLY reason I started dating this guy who later would be my husband. Luckily for me he was nice, tall and some what attractive.
Note to self: Those things don't make solid foundations for a good relationship,lol.
But Having pills did!

We dated and moved in together 2 weeks after knowing eachother. What he was thinking I'll never know, he seemed like a level headed guy.
Anyway. I continued to live for adderall. After all, it was my new power. It gave me energy, took my appetite away which allowed me to effectively get to a size 2, and THAT allowed me to feel as though men could now worship my beauty! I was exactly where my ego wanted me. On top. Skinny, energetic, and most of all with a FEELING of worth.

I wanted to say "it's sad really" but then my HP reminded me that I have a disease, that's all. Lol

My boyfriend and I lived together doing the same thing for a few years. Weed, aderall and drinking. He went to school though and I'm convinced we are different becasue he was able to live life WITHOUT those things running him. I was not. I LIVED for the pounding I felt in my heart evertime I took a pill, and the energy it gave me. And the sense of worth I felt.

I hardly noticed my mind was deteriorating slowly because of the amounts I poured into my body. I would stay awake 3 and 4 days at a time doing nothing but drawing, or writing ****ing nonsense in journals while smoking weed and taking more pills. Then Finally I would drink enough to pass out and sleep. Life was invigorating! Lol
I honestly can't believe I never had a heart attack.

My boyfriend became my husband (of course I pretty much forced him) and at the same time he bacame a police officer. This forced us to cut back completely on the weed, unfortunately. You just can't be a pot head and a cop.

It was ok though because I got pregnant and I HAD to abort all my bad habits for the time being.

Before I go on let me mention an important event.
A year or so before we got married I had this crazy dream. In the dream I was being chased by a giant yellow spider. I ran to get away and it follwed me, I asked my boyfriend to save me and he said he couldn't then I jumped in my bed covered myself with the blankey and yelled "GOD save me!" ANd I heard a very calm, unworried voice reply, "ok" (Like I was asking him to check the mail or something.Lol)
When I woke up My HP showed me that the spider was addiction and only he could save me from it. So I prayed on my knees and asked Jesus to take addiction from me. And I also asked him to give me another dream so I would know that He took it. That night I had another dream. I was at a long serving table(like one you would see in a castle) and a silver platter appears to my left. On it was aderall, weed, food, cigarettes, alcohol (I feel like maybe men should have been on there too) and I started to reach out for it to eat it and another tray rushed in on the right. On it was Goodness, it wasn't visible to my eyes but when I grabbed it and ate it, it filled me with Goodness.

From that forward the compulsion to use had left me. I was no longer chained to addiction. I still contiued to use.

I didn't know I needed AA or NA to help me stay away from people places and things and go to meeting and share and help others. I didnt know any of this. And so everytime I put a drink or drug into my body I would be on a vicious cycle of sprees. When My son (Who I wanted SO SO bad) turned 3 months I stopped brestfeeding him because I couldn't stand being me, I felt angry, ugly, jealous, bitter. I was watching all my inlaws "drinking without impunity" and I wanted to do the same.

When I started drinking I didn't stop until I came into AA at 28. Along with Alcohol I also picked up aderall again, which by then my disease had grown and I was back to staying up days at atime while drinking to level out. I wanted to die, I hated myself so much. One night, I even asked God to please take me home I had nothing left. He replied, "I not finished with you yet."

This time I had a small child who depended on me and I couldn't be there for him emotionally and barely could be there for him phisically. I was going downhill fast.
The panic attacks had become a regular thing. I was so emotionally unstable because of the ****ing aderal that to the outside world I appeared to have bipolar. I decided to check myslef into a mental facility because I thought I might die if I kept staying up for 4 days at time. Plus I needed a vacation. The simple, mundane things of life had become impossible for me to handle. Like waking up, giving my son a bath, doing laundry, cleaning. I couldn't handle anything.
I went to a treatment facility ans stayed like 9 days. I didn't tell them I was addicted to aderall so when they diagnosed my symptoms it was clear that I was bipolar. Lol. I was actually happy to have this diagnosis because it meant I could still take aderall. Seriously!

By now. I'm crazy and unstable (in my husband and familys eyes) I had gained a lot of weight so I was like 190 lbs and when I came home all I could do was go back to ONLY way I knew how to live. Using!

But it got worse. I started smoking weed, and trying to sleep with men, and going out to party while my husband tried to manage at home and manage with work. He was miserable and I wanted to die. And what little happines that he did have in him I wanted to squash because it was something I didn't know how to have.

He finally had enough and one night while fighting I said why don't you just leave. And he did.
He took my son and I had embarrasingly endure supervised visits with him for 6 months before I could actually have him. It was decided that I was a threat to his safety. Honestly, I probably was. I had just about lost my damn mind from thiose pills.

I decided that I had suffered enough. I went back to the same treatment fcility and told them I was an addict. Which was a huge weight off my shoulders. But also, I no longer had the bipolar thing over my head.

But for another year, I smoked weed, drank and had copious amounts of unprotected sex with total stangers/ coworkes/ married men and old aquaintances. It was awful. But I honestly didn't care. I could have met someone with aids AND herpes and it wouldn't have mattered one damn bit because I knew I was a worthless peace of shit.

One glorious day after coming to in my $200/month rented shithole. I had a realization.
I'm NOT a peace of shit and I'm NOT as worthless as I have been behaving. So that night I went to an AA meeting and all I could do was cry. Someone gave me a free book and another person told me I would feel better soon. It was awesome. I didn't even say what I felt and everyone already knew. I went through sponsors for a while because I wasn't ready to honestly do any steps. I could barely speak let alone understand what the hell an old book was saying.

I'm about 18 months sober today. I moved a state over recently to be closer to my son who I have a growing relationship with. It's not perfect, I have many defects that hinder the relationship but I pray often and I genuinly try my best with him. My ex husband and I are on very peaceful terms. We both decided to put our son before ouselves and our divorce and that has made our relationship into a buisiness relationship. We work together on most things.

(Santa Clause gets in the way once a year because I don't believe in him and my son does and his dad supports it, but other than that we all get along.)
I often think and worry that he and his family look down on me but it doesn't change the fact that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep the peace.
I feel my HP encourages me to do this and even helps me. It's quite beautiful to me and everyone viewing that this situation has turned out for the best.

The ex is getting remarried soon, and while I used to wish death upon them I'm now geuinely happy for them.
True love for another person wants that person to be happy no matter what. I'm just learning this
I have a quiet living situation in a place I would have NEVER chosen myself, I happened upon it and believe God led me here in the mysterious way he does. (I still don't get it)

I work around alcohol but I go to meetings and I don't hang around people who drink and smoke weed. I'll visit with co workers after work but thats all. I don't hang in bars with them, what the hell would I do that for?

I recently go a new sponsor and we are going through the steps again. I'm searching for the true recovery that I see others have. I want freedom from myself in a new way. I'm glad I'm an addict. I'm glad I have people I can open up with about my feelings even when they are unrelated to drugs.
I know it just keeps getting better! Thats what Im told.
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Unread 01-08-2014, 08:43 PM   #2
vhappy
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,121
Default

I just want to welcome you to the site. Your story really touched me, as I was once addicted to opiates, and have been in recovery for 5 years. My story is on the other side of the spectum. Total professional, that nobody would have thought this would happen, but it did.

Wow thanks for your honesty, and you have certainly been through hell and back, but back is the best part of your story!

Hope you stick around, this is a great place to get support and receive it.

Congradulations!

Vhappy
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