Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 06-06-2012, 03:31 PM   #1
GoodEnoughMom
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Default

Cougarcub, he is not your child. You must examine your co-dependent behavior intensively with a counselor, and cut the cord. I am currently grieving the horrible shock of discovering my own daughter's addiction. My incredibly brilliant, lovely, loving child has become a first-class liar and thief. I am inside-out with howling pain because, in spite of doing everything "right," with 24/7 availability since she was born, I could not RAISE a person with the strength and good sense to avoid opiates. You, Cougarcub, cannot give more than 24/7 care, so how can you expect to have a different outcome? I do not have the luxury, if it may be called such, of cutting my supply line to her because I have to try everything my therapist advises before we can determine if/when I need to cut the cord. I am currently paying for my daughter's education and living expenses. If she gets through school, she will have a career and can support herself well (her program is an accelerated one and it stipulates that she cannot work -- there's only time for school); if she doesn't get through school, she will have to find a job and support herself however she can, but I will be done. You have so much energy and leeway that you can drive two hours to put a note on his windshield? That wastes half your day -- and it's worth it because....? I'm not being catty -- I hope to inspire you to examine WHY you continue to believe his lies, and put up with his abuse. It's not YOUR recovery. But you need to stop your own savior behavior; depending on your religious beliefs, there's only been one real savior on Earth, and it's still the responsibility of the sinner to turn to Him for help. I'm writing this partly to convince myself that, knowing what I know now, I cannot micro-manage the recovery of a young adult who knows I love her more than life. Because I have an equal right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness -- so do you. Lying around unemployed while someone else does all the worrying -- it's a fantastic arrangement for an infant, but not for an adult. What does your worrying do for YOU? If you have all this energy and all these resources, you can find plenty of established organizations in your area that make a positive change in the lives of children who really can't care for their own needs -- and you will see real progress in their lives. By the way, this "friend's" antidepressants don't work "all the time" because he still uses opiates part of the time. These chemicals work to cancel each other out. My daughter's antidepressants "never" helped either...and now I know why. He will not feel less depressed if he does not start taking ONLY his SSRI (or whatever kind of antidepressant he takes. So -- that's a lie, too. Sure, I hope your friend recovers. But you have jumped into a vortex that's consuming your soul. You think it's good for your soul, but if it delays his recovery...how good can you really feel in the end? I wish you luck for YOU.
GoodEnoughMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 06-06-2012, 03:40 PM   #2
GoodEnoughMom
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Default

BTW, our daughter knows that our support for her education is contingent on getting the grades she needs to stay in school. We have a safeguard against any lying or wishful thinking on her part: if she slips, in this professional program, she will not get more chances -- she will be dismissed immediately.
GoodEnoughMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 06-06-2012, 03:55 PM   #3
nan
Senior Member
 
nan's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,398
Default

Don't really want to hi-jack the thread, but GoodEnoughMom, I really think, and would definitely advise, that you go out, asap, and purchase Dr. Harold C. Urschel, III, MD's book, Healing the Addicted Brain. Think maybe you should buy a copy of it for your therapist to read also.

Your daughter is suffering from a disease and needs medical attention for the disease. Tough love won't cut it-The same as telling a diabetic that if they slip and eat an extra piece of cake they will be dismissed from the program. Addiction is a disease that affects the brain. Active addiction causes brain damage.

I am sorry that you have had to deal with this disease with your daughter. It is heartbreaking when a family member is suffering. It truly is a disease that affects the entire family and all loved ones. It is a deadly disease if not treated. It is a disease that will not just go away on its own because we say so. It is a disease that cannot be treated with just will power and strength. No matter how much we want it to go away, no matter how much we wish it wasn't affecting us or our loved ones, without proper treatment it will continue and eventually kill. Threats do not bring changes to the one suffering from the disease, treatment is the only answer. Recovery is possible through proper treatment, just like diabetes, etc.

You are right that the individual who is battling the disease is the one who needs to want to get the treatment. But, a family can assist in that by understanding addiction is a disease and what the ramifications are. It sounds like you have "detached" very nicely, but it doesn't sound like you have educated knowledge about the disease of addiction. Pick up a copy of Dr. Urschel's book, I think you will find it interesting and enlightening. Then, start a thread of your own and we can continue the discussion if you wish.

nan
nan is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 06-06-2012, 04:38 PM   #4
GoodEnoughMom
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Default

Thank you, Nan. I will have the book sent to my Kindle today. A few years ago, my daughter was sexually assaulted by as many as three men (in her shame, for having drunk too much at a party before it happened, she was so sketchy about it we weren't sure if it had happened or not), suffered PTSD (we now realize -- meaning she may have repressed the memory of the attack, and been unable to tell us more), and sought oxycontin to beat back the pain. So her disease has a definite cause. She's finally dealing with her PTSD head-on (it turned out that her previous therapist, a man we knew and trusted, had "courteously" not pressed her for details so she never got a proper hearing, nor did he tell us about her drug abuse, in spite of having her permission to talk with us...I am thoroughly furious at him for his negligence). She says she was "only" taking small doses (I question everything at the moment), and she has detoxed twice in the past 6 months after 3 years of use (her current therapist backs this up), and only told us the truth because I noticed some major cash outflow she claimed she was using to pay her therapist. I asked her therapist for receipts -- and the therapist convinced my daughter that it was time to come clean with us. I know this will be a rocky path. I know I need to know more, and I appreciate your suggestion. I'll get back to you when I'm finished reading the book.
GoodEnoughMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 06-06-2012, 05:38 PM   #5
GoodEnoughMom
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Default

Also, I want to apologize to Cougarcub...completely missed your post about your move to Memphis. This is great news and I wanted to wish you the very best with this fresh start.

Nan, another thought...I'm still in shock. Imagine learning that your child
Had been gang raped and was a drug addict at the same time! I am on a steep, steep learning curve.
GoodEnoughMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 06-06-2012, 06:24 PM   #6
GoodEnoughMom
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Default

Moderator (is that you, Nan?), please feel free to delete all my posts here. I am so up and down right now, I don't think they are of much value to anyone. Nan, I am parked at the bookstore at the moment, about to buy the Urschell book in paper instead of Kindle. I need
A copy that won't be shorted out by tears! Yes, an actual joke. Thanks again.
GoodEnoughMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 06-06-2012, 08:22 PM   #7
NancyB
Administrator
 
Posts: 25,466
Default

Hi GoodEnoughMom, I'm sorry to hear everything that you're going through. That has to be such a range of emotions. I'm glad you're getting Dr. Urschel's book. It's quite good and explains things well and pretty clearly - which makes it much easier to read.

If you'd like, I can move your posts to a new thread so that we can continue interacting with you there. They are not without value and I'd prefer to move them to a thread of your own rather than delete them.

Let me know what you think.

Nancy
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
NancyB is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to NancyB For This Useful Post:
Thank You (06-07-2012)
Unread 06-06-2012, 11:18 PM   #8
GoodEnoughMom
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Default

I think moving my posts elsewhere would be a good idea. I confess that I really don't know how to search these forums effectively, but I hadn't seen anything on the site about sexual assault and addiction. A gigantic percentage -- 70% or more -- of women (and probably men) who are sexually assaulted become substance abusers. They are looking for deadening agents, not a party drug, so they often turn to the deadliest kinds of substances. Maybe you could start the thread with a heading about rape, because that might draw a lot of visitors to gain insight into their loved one's issues.

As you indicated, it is really difficult to know where to hold this double-edged sword -- there's the rape side, that needs a full-court press of love and acceptance; there's the addiction side, that requires a trust-but-verify approach (to finances, for example -- she needs to break the habit of taking cash withdrawals to pay for things so we can see online where she's spending money and the exact amounts of her debits). It is such a balancing act. At the same time, I'm:
a.) torn up about what my daughter suffers as a rape victim;
b.) furious that she lied (lies?) and misspent thousands of dollars we thought she needed for groceries, books, etc. (my psychiatrist reassured me about my concerns that I'd been an enabler by telling me that I couldn't enable her if I didn't know she had a problem -- I don't know if that's accepted wisdom, but it'll do for now);
and c.) deeply worried about the brain damage she may have inflicted -- how much is "healable" and does she have enough memory to get through this elite graduate program?

These very complicated and contradictory emotions have been ebbing and flowing all day long for the past three weeks, since we first learned about the extent of her rape and her drug use. I am back in therapy, with a new therapist who has experience with addicted patients and their kin.

Otherwise, I'm going about my normal day, and we all still laugh as much as we can, but now as soon as I stop laughing, all these emotions rush quickly back in. I look at young children now and think how whole and honest they seem, and I remember how hard it felt to be a mother when my babies were that small. That was just an inkling of a warm-up for this kind of hard work.

Anyhow, I've written too much again. But I do think it would be valuable to start a sexual assault thread to help others who must be feeling these same, conflicting emotions. Thanks for asking.

And P.S. I've started to read the Urschel book. Kindle battery died and I'm having to wait to get back into it! Thwarted by tech on my way to unravel the mysteries of a real brain!!

P.P.S. I said "since we first learned about the extent of her rape and her drug use." I meant to say "since we first learned about the extent of her rape (and that not only did it really happen but it was so much worse than she'd been able to tell us) and about her drug use, about which we had absolutely no knowledge just three weeks ago."
GoodEnoughMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:44 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors