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Unread 02-28-2015, 12:30 PM   #1
Julia
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Default Broken Hearted Wife

I am thankful for this forum.

My husbands opiate addiction began 4 years ago. It wasn't until he was into it 18 months that I discovered he was doctor shopping. Ever since the discovery I did my best to control everything, I thought I was keeping things/us together, but was actually making it worse.

Over the last 6 months everything has spiraled. He began to pay a lot more cash for prescriptions (which of course is the insurance company's fault, the pharmacy's fault and the doctor's fault). He began to carry a gun with him at all times, he had 12k worth of debt I did not know about (doctors, hospitals, dentists mostly).

I witnessed him become a monster and myself become completely out of control trying to control everything.

I of course tightened the leash and with every lie and every discovery held on tighter. He left 4 weeks ago, saying he had to get his life together.

I spoke with him last night for the first time since he left. He is so hard and cold. He admitted that his drugs are the most important thing to him but also said he has them under control because he is no longer under stress and pressure from me.

I don't know this person, my heart is broken. I know I did everything wrong and I wish I could stop hurting. I've been going to group for families of drug addicts and Al-Anon. Keeping busy but I can't seem to get rid of the pain in my own heart. I know I need to heal and take care of me and to be honest the separation has relieved a lot of my stress.

I know he has to want help and I know I cannot do anything to influence his decision.

Thanks so much for a place to turn for help.
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Unread 02-28-2015, 02:33 PM   #2
Eliza12
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Hi Julia,

Welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry for the pain you are going through. Your husband is lost to addiction for the time being, and that is devastating. Don't beat yourself up for having tried to control things, it's a natural response to something you didn't yet understand. It is so sad to see someone you love change into an addict. You didn't cause or worsen his addiction, that was all him. We don't have the power to cause addiction, nor the power to cure it. You are right, he will have to come to that on his own.

Meanwhile, have you taken steps to protect yourself financially? I doubt he has his habit under control now, as he said. You do need to think of yourself and your future.

I am the addict in my family, but I have seen the damage of addiction from both sides. My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you are going to meetings with others in the same boat. Keep posting here for support too.

Best,
Elizabeth
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Unread 02-28-2015, 02:57 PM   #3
Julia
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Thank you so much Elizabeth,

Your words mean so much because I have felt so responsible for this outcome. I have made as much financial separation as I can. Even removed him as my beneficiary and from my health insurance.

Your perspective from the other side of the table helps me deal with this. I hope the best for him. He cannot stay at this pace and be healthy, he really has aged in the last 6 months, looks old enough to be my father now.

I thought I could love him out of this (silly me) the more I learn about addiction the more relief I feel. I don't think he has his problem under control. He went to NA and was a snob about the others in the group saying that he never robbed a pharmacy or went to jail over his problem, so his problem was not as bad.

It is the disease of denial as I am learning.

Again, thank you so mush for your response.
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Unread 03-01-2015, 10:07 PM   #4
maxxx
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Hello Julia,
I don t know your husband, but I know who he is.. For I Was him. Your story sounds like my x wifes and mine. It was the worst 4 years of my life. Im in my mid fifties now, but back in 07 I started on opiate pills just for fun. By july of 2008 I had turned into that MONSTER you have now seen and lived with. Im sorry this has happened to you and him.
Even today I look back at those years and just can not believe what happened. I completely understand how your husband feels right now. From what ive read he is trapped. He has no idea how to fix it either. Living just day to day to day seeking thoses pills. The fears and pain, the guilt and shame of it all. Ive said many times in meetings how that Monster inside killed everthing in life.I can t pretend to know just how it all happened for you and him .After my first year on oipates I was kicked out of my home. She had had enough. The lies and money.. I was some one else.
That is opiate addiction. .Like you have said, he only cares about the drug.
I guess im telling you all of this because I wanted you to know you didnt do anything wroug Julia. He made this hell for himself just as I did. My x let me sink all the way to the bottom. It was the consequences that got me to my dr and Buprenorphine treatment. I was ready. I wish I could tell you how to help him raze his bottom, but I dont really know how .
So he didnt like NA, i felt the same way in the very begining. My Suboxone dr made me go and I glad I did. As you know now yourself, there is strength and support in thoses rooms.
I hope tbe next time you speak to you husband you can suggest a medical treatment that works to get him off these pills and in to recovery.
Your story really hit home, made me sad. Made me reflect on my past.
Things can change and for the good. After 2 months clean on sub, my x wife bought me back into the home an family. Yes, we arent married any louger. But the love was always there for me. . I am truely grateful for her and how it has worked out. She to started learning about addiction. .
As the others have said, you need to take care of you. Sounds like you are now. Time will tell just how he comes to his sences. I pray that he does...Stay stroug Julia. ....


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Unread 03-14-2015, 06:57 PM   #5
Julia
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Thank you Maxxx. You and your wife are an inspiration.

My situation seems to get worse as I hope and pray the bottom comes really soon. He is vilifying all who know about his addiction including the kids. Fortunately they are all adults with the youngest being 18 and they have chosen to cut him out of their lives and have expressed they wish I would do the same.

Your situation sounds hauntingly familiar it is nice to see that you were brave enough to take back your life from the monster and your wife is very loving and forgiving. What was it like to live in the addicted state of mind? There is not a lot of information from addicts with regards to the thought process other than everything is about the choice of drug (maybe I just answered my own question). Is there remorse or is that only in recovery?

Although I would never wish this on anyone I do appreciate that so many people have experienced and survived the tragedy of addiction. I feel like I have been through a death like everything I have loved and worked hard for has been ripped away. Learning more about addiction relieves the overwhelming sense of responsibility I felt earlier. I know everything he does and says is the drugs, the real guy may or may not still be in there somewhere. I don't see him or contact him unless I absolutely have to. I've prepared the divorce paperwork and will be filing this Friday.......... very sad but I have to do it.
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Unread 03-14-2015, 10:26 PM   #6
Eliza12
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Hi Julia,

Such grief and pain is caused by addiction. Truly, the addictive part takes over and the most important thing is getting that high. I think that remorse comes later, when someone gets help. At least for me, I thought mainly of myself. There are flashes of "what am I doing?" but when we are in active addiction, we don't go there for very long. If anything, we recite to ourselves the reasons that we need to do it. Our lives are too hard, people don't understand me and my mental anguish, and other such nonsense, to justify our use.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Glad you have let go of feeling responsible and are trying to live your life the best way you can. There's always hope, but it sounds like for now he is really entrenched in his addiction.

Keep taking good care of yourself.

Best,
Elizabeth
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Unread 03-22-2015, 01:43 PM   #7
Eliza12
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Hi Julia,

Just checking in on you, how are you doing? Did you file your divorce papers? That must have been really painful. Let us know how you are if you get the chance. Wishing you peace.

Elizabeth
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Unread 03-23-2015, 10:39 PM   #8
Julia
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Hello Elizabeth,

Thank you so much for checking in on me, your insight is comforting to me. I've not filed for the divorce yet. I don't know why I am so hesitant when I know it is the right thing to do. I've had no contact with him other than to let him know the rest of his things were boxed up and waiting outside the house for him. He did as I wished and picked his things up when I was at work. It's sad and it's a relief also. So many mixed emotions.

I really appreciate your honest response about what goes through an addicts mind. It must be a very sad place to be to have nothing else matter. He is not the person he used to be and honestly I am not the person I used to be either. I became so hateful towards him. I need the peace that will come with forgiving him. I guess these things take time.

Take care,
Julia
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Unread 04-01-2015, 08:30 AM   #9
MattC42286
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Hi julia. You are not alone!! Many, many people have gone through the EXACT same thing. You are in the right place. Somebody had got to want help in order for them to get help. Thats the first step. So if he doesnt want help you are sadly wasting your time and energy. Hope this helps. Thanks! Matt!
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Unread 04-01-2015, 12:16 PM   #10
needhelpplease
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hi julia!
this is cate and i am in your situation, less the husband. I have been with my boyfriend..'k' for 5 years on april 7th. it wasnt until the 3rd year or almost the 4th that i realized he had a problem with pain killers. i believed what he said when he said he had it under control, but he never did, it always comes back and blows up.
since october 2014 we have been really rough, and its to the point where we talked last night and he said he will never stop he cannot cope without them.
i do not want to be with a drug user, the cycle of ups and downs is way too emotionaly and sometimes physically painful.
but even more painful is letting him go.knowing he does not want help and letting him go, wondering wil he be ok, who is going to care about him or make sure he wakes up tomoro?
he also tells me what your husband told you, that he can control it but you stress him out so bad he has to do them...
i am hurting so bad, i wanted to make a life with this man, and now i am every day sifting thru lies to cover up his problems with pills, even after i told him please just be honest, i am here for you i am not judging i love you and just want to be here and help....he still lies

this mesage is not just for julia, anyone can (please do!) comment or give advice. i am broken comepletely from all of this and i do not know what to do next.i just wanted julia to know hey! you probably did the best thing and i wish i could be as brave as u!

by the way we live together. the place is in my name but we both stay there and i dont feel like kicking him out could ever help the problem.

and really thats all i want, idc if i lose him as a friend, or a bf or anything, just so long as he can get help and feel whole again.

thank you
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Unread 04-05-2015, 02:35 AM   #11
Julia
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I understand wanting to hold on and help someone you love to stop destroying themselves. It's such a tough place to be. You really can't make someone get help if they don't want it. I have found that going to groups such as alanon is helpful. I have also made it a point to learn as much as I can about addiction. I recently watched a documentary called "Pleasure Unwoven" I was able to get it at the library. He has been out of the house for over two months and is still destroying his life but what he is no longer doing is destroying my life. Aside from my life revolving around his addiction and educating myself about it I am starting to enjoy my life; taking classes I have always wanted to take, going to events and places I wouldn't have gone before when I was spiraling with him. Sadly the disease does not just affect the addict but also those who care about them. Taking a step back from the craziness you have lived in for a long time may be not what you want right now but once you get away from it and take some time to heal and love yourself you will see things from an entirely different perspective. I still love and miss my husband but I can not give up the rest of my life for his addiction. I hope you're able to find some peace. Please what ever you do make yourself a priority and take care of you.
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Unread 04-16-2015, 11:48 AM   #12
needhelpplease
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julia,

thank you for your honest words, they def hit my heart, i can feel the pain and also the freedom and the breath of fresh air from the way you speak. I am sorry that he has yet to see his wrongs and want to change.

your story and strength serves as a beacon of light for other women in the same situation, you are very stroong to do what you have
i am praying for your husband, and also for k, things r looking better, he has stopped taking them ( he hasnt had any $) and i have found no evidence of them

he did admit he had a problem and wanted to change, but rlly doesnt like to talk about it.

thank u and God bless, keeping you in my prayers
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Unread 08-18-2015, 07:20 PM   #13
Julia
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Hi All,

Just thinking about this forum and those looking for answers and comfort in very uncomfortable situations. It's been over six months since he left; he's not received treatment and honestly I doubt much has changed for him. The bill collectors keep coming for him and I forward them to his last known address.

I received a very apologetic email from him a while ago which addressed the lying and his behavior but not his addiction. He asked if I would see him to which I responded I was not ready (I'm still not ready). I'm not sure I will ever be ready to see him. The divorce is final and I feel that for the first time in 4 years I have enjoyed the summer. Life has been an adventure; lots of tears, lots of growth and appreciation for the moment at hand.

Although the loss has been painful I wouldn't change a thing. Thankfully the kids and myself are healthy, happy and blessed.
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Unread 08-29-2015, 04:35 PM   #14
Eliza12
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Hi Julia,

Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. You sound strong and at peace with your decision. I'm so glad that you are enjoying life once again! It's very sad that your ex would give up his family for his addiction, but so good that you and your kids are getting on with your lives.

Take good care.

Best,
Elizabeth
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Unread 01-08-2016, 07:01 PM   #15
Julia
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It's been a while since I have posted but I received what I believe to be the first hopeful news in a while.

I heard from my ex earlier this week. He was in an automobile accident, his vehicle was totaled but he walked away. He is in detox, I'm not sure about the legal situation but he finally has admitted that he has a problem.

This is a huge step for him and I wish him the best, I hope this is the rock bottom for him. I don't wish to reconcile with him, I believe that "ship has sailed" at this point in time. But I hope that this once very loving, gentle man will get and want the help he needs to turn it around.

It has been a difficult year but things are looking up for me and my family.
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Unread 01-22-2016, 03:45 AM   #16
Eliza12
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Hi Julia,

Let's hope this is the wake-up call he needs. How is he doing? Glad to hear that you and your family are doing better. Addiction takes its toll on the entire family, for sure. Your compassion for him is admirable. It sounds like you have let him go with love.

Best,
Elizabeth
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