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Unread 12-24-2011, 11:13 PM   #1
this is me who i am
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Default Is it pathetic I'm posting my needs on Christmas Eve when i should be grateful?

it's hard this time of year. I share my kids so tonight, i'm alone. Checking my online dating sites, pathetic again. I refuse to go meet someone at a bar. Depression definitely sets in ... I mean do i think "ya a little susie would make me happier" sure, but i know the reality it's how i've gotten to almost 5 yrs clean. do i really wanna be alone? no, i'd rather be alone than with the wrong person, i know what the wrong person can do to me. I've been on bipolar meds since 2007 when i got clean. too many things don't work for me prozac, paxil, wellbutrin, cymbalta, i've done them all. We, doc and i finally found one that works seroquel but too much of it makes me thick tongued and sleepy at work. ever since the meth i seem to have a sensitivity to drugs. you should see what 2.5 mg of percoset does to me lol i guess i feel like I'm blessed to have all the things i do my kids, my job, a roof over my head, occasional spending money but when is my break? do i get another or did i blow it? is it karma coming back on me? i pray, go to church every now and then. tried to find some places to go around here (small town) to talk with folks but it seems like no one stays clean for too long. and clean is a relative word - i do drink, alcohol has never been an issue and never will, i don't like feel out of control. with susie i felt in total control, in fact like i control EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. truth, i have no control over anyone but myself. does anyone else ever feel alone?
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Unread 12-25-2011, 12:44 AM   #2
CarlyO
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Default

" i know the reality it's how i've gotten to almost 5 yrs clean. do i really wanna be alone? no, i'd rather be alone than with the wrong person, i know what the wrong person can do to me. " Quote - This is me ....


Dear this is me who I am,

I think that quote I posted from you says it all. I know it must not be ideal to be alone on Christmas Eve but try to keep your mind and thoughts occupied. Is there a support group you can go to , a friend to hang out with? At least you vented here.
Keep the faith, my best friend who was divorced for 8 years - did the match.com sites , dated quite a few jerks , etc... finally got to a point where she made the decision like you did , she was happy with a good book, hanging out with friends and focusing on raising her child. Then Lo and behold - when she least expected it - met and married an awesome, solid man!

I don't know if any of that helps but I really think you are wise. Esp. making your gratitude list ! Hang in there and have a great day tomorrow - will you have your have kids ? If not come back and vent, take care , Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 12-29-2011, 10:54 PM   #3
this is me who i am
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Default Carly ....mind occupied...

crap my mind is ALWAYS occupied lol just with different people! i just moved out of "moldy manor" as it is now referred. I got my entire security dep back today - good day. Slumlord, who i've been telling for 3 months "you have mold in your house" is going to have a nasty surprise from a health inspector who said "ya it's mold, leaky roof, lots of it, and btw that's rust coming out of the bathroom sink - different department will deal with that, and what's up with that melted light bulb, do things always blow out in here? that's a different dept too, we'll send her a notice" - problem is she has some poor renters moving in tomorrow! But I'm out occcupied my mind with moving into a 4br2ba1cg, full basement, large backyard rental!! yippee for me and my kids happy new year to us! .....ya the wrong guy is the guy who got me hooked and anyone like him. thank GOD he's 1800 miles away and i only know one person in town who sells susie so... as far as a group, idk i'm kinda shy LMAO if you knew me you'd flip i'm the most outgoing person until i have to talk about my "issues" then i'm a shrinking violet. I'm embarassed and I work around a lot of people who would never understand. i promise this year i will check into it, it will be my goal and i keep promises. so far in my life i've promised to quit smoking, quit meth, and quit that jerk that got me addicted and those are my NEVERS. to think 5 years ago i was using and away from my babies, and living with the jerk and his abusive mother spending all my security dep on susie (wake up little susie, wake up)!
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Unread 12-31-2011, 09:51 PM   #4
CarlyO
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Default Hang In there This is Me !

Dear This is Me who I am,

Congrats it sounds like you have moved into a Great Place ! Keep venting, often ppl find that online peer support eventually prepares them for face to face to support. Walking into a support group was always difficult for me at first but in the end, being among people who "got me" helped so much! And I personally need that connection, where else can you laugh about the insidious life we once led? Even online, here venting , we get it, you are among friends. IMO no significant other is worth losing what you have worked so hard to attain.

I do hope the new year brings you good health and prosperity, keep posting, Take care, Happy New Year ! Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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