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Unread 05-17-2010, 06:59 AM   #1
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Default should i feel guilty?

i am new to this site. in fact this is the first time i have posted my story. my husband (which i have been seperated from for 3 1/2 years) decided that he would try crack cocaine at the age of 50. well u all know the story, he got hooked. i had no idea of what was going on (i had suspicions, but i was thinking another woman). i think that everyone's story ends up about the same. i left, lost my home, he sold my furniture , some of my clothes and shoes. he now is living with his sister, (was always a severe diabetic) and has two strokes. i feel guilty (not because i left him), but because he now has no one but her. i am wrestling with the guilt as to whether or not i should take him in, or let him sink or swim the same was he let me. if there is anyone out there who can help me, i would appreciate the input. i have prayed and cried until i can't cry anymore.
thank you for listening,
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Unread 05-17-2010, 04:20 PM   #2
Dopeless Hope Fiend
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Hi skeeter55,

Welcome to the site. I'm glad you're here and hope you find some comfort and support. There are moderators/administrators (CarlyO & NancyB) on the site that will post to you. They're really great women.

This is just my input. I'm a recovering methamphetamine addict. But more than that, I'm a wife, mom, daughter, sister, etc. I know now that my drug use affected many more people than just me.

Whether or not your husband is still using, I think he needs professional help before you try to take him in. I was married to a man who was still using after we both went through treatment. I was living clean, working, growing; he was homeless, no job except for slinging dope, just falling...I moved on and never looked back.

You could do that, too. I never thought I could...too painful. But in hindsight, it saved my life. Or you could talk to some professionals, go to a support meeting for family and friends of addicts...Al-Anon, Nar-Anon? What's available depends on where you are.

Bottom line...your feelings are your own, but guilt...don't beat yourself up over his mistakes. You say you don't feel guilt because you left him; that your guilt is because he only has his sister.

Not true. Even if you're doing nothing for him, he still "has" you. He's got you by your feelings.

He only has his sister...if you think about it, all we really have are ourselves.

Will keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers,

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Unread 05-18-2010, 06:47 PM   #3
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dear dopeless hope friend,
that u so much for ur reply. u are right, he still has my feelings. i will always love him (we have been married for almost 38 years). as far as i know he is not using now, but i will never be able to trust him. i want to forgive him but i just can't get past what i lost because of the drug use. 1. i lost the love of my life 2. i lost my home, furniture, jewelry, etc. and almost lost my mind. i thank god that i was able to escape with my sanity. he is under the misconception that we will get back together, but i don't see that happening. we had many conversations, crying jags, arguments, prayers and even a rehab prior to my leaving. i remember asking him(before i made the decision to leave) if he was going to be man enough to suffer the consequences because of the drug use and he told me yes, but that is turning out to be false. i am still wrestling with the decision as to whether or not to take care of him now. i pray to god that he will help me make the right one. thanks for listening.
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Unread 05-19-2010, 11:07 AM   #4
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Hi skeeter55, welcome. DHF gave you some really good advice and insight.

You must take care of you. As DHF said, he needs professional help - that would be the best thing for him. And for you.

Have you thought about going to therapy to help you detach yourself from the situation? In my opinion, you can be there to support him when needs support, but you do not need to take care of him. You need to move ahead with your life. Without guilt.

The thing that struck me the most is that you will never be able to trust him. I think that you would be a wreck if you took him into your home. You don't need that. He has his sister. He has the capacity to seek professional help. He has the capacity to seek out peer support and any other type of support that would be helpful for him.

Think about going to Alanon and seeing a therapist to help you get your life back without him owning your feelings as DHF said.

Take care of you.

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