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Unread 04-24-2017, 07:18 PM   #301
lostdog
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if you go, please let us know how you are doing and remember to care for yourself first, luv and hugs, no judgement for you ever.
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Unread 04-25-2017, 05:19 AM   #302
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Hope you have a wonderful day off xx
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Unread 04-25-2017, 05:23 AM   #303
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Thank you LD and Alexis. I feel ok about it. I can't stop thinking about him and it's torturing me and so I'm going for that reason. But I do feel strong enough to face him and I will let his promises roll off my back like a duck. I will have shields up and lists in my pocket reminding me of why we mustn't be together. I am going to tell him to forget me. To live his life. I'll try not to lecture him, and after that if he contacts me, I will do what's necessary. Go to police if need be or return to England prematurely if he is stalky or getting out soon. I discovered that every 6 months, if you have behaved well, they take 45 days off your sentence.
He said in the last letter that he's requested a day-visit to come and see me! So I want to go and get that idea out of his head. He has completely ignored the letters I wrote him. He just says sorry and that he's changed blah blah. And fine. Good for him if he has. Only time will tell. So I am really ok going to see him. It's for the reasons I said and also because of compassion. I can't help that but I will be very careful. I have to finally cut the tie cleanly. I know I can do it now.
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Unread 04-25-2017, 05:39 AM   #304
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well then SD, i trust you and know you are doing the right thing if you believe it. Just let us know.

Spend today relaxing and enjoying your day off and prepare. write those lists etc.

Love you xx
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Unread 04-26-2017, 03:20 AM   #305
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Love you too.

I wish everybody a good and peaceful day.
Xxxxx
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Unread 04-26-2017, 05:09 AM   #306
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SD, today you are visiting him right? PLEASE PLEASE check in when you can, as ill be worrying haha

Good luck with it, be firm, be strong, be the person we know you are.

Ill be thinking of you xx
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Unread 04-26-2017, 05:47 AM   #307
soapdish
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Thanks Alexis.
I am okay. More than ok in fact. Don't worry about me or for me. I am totally in control. It's a rainy day. I am on the bus. This is the right thing for me to do.
Gotta go, typing gives me travel sickness.
Thumbs up
Xxxxxx
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Unread 04-26-2017, 06:14 AM   #308
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Glad to hear it.

Ill be waiting for an update later

Love to you xx
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Unread 04-26-2017, 01:41 PM   #309
soapdish
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Everything was fine. He looked well and healthy. Better than before. He is working as a canteen waiter there. He plays football and goes to the gym. He's doing an Italian course, an English course and a barber's course. He's on several lists to go to a day job or a community centre. I was expecting worse but he seems ok. So great. Good for him.
I feel weirdly fine and I'm looking forward to putting my pyjamas on and going to bed in a little while.

xxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-26-2017, 02:39 PM   #310
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That's great SD, for him and for you!!

I'm proud of you today you know?

Love xx
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Unread 04-26-2017, 08:19 PM   #311
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I'm glad it went well, of course, I support your intuitions on this and it is your journey to discover. It's just that sometimes we play a sister, mother role in that I feel such a kindred relationship with you. take care this week and let us know how you feel and are doing.big hugs to you!
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Unread 04-27-2017, 05:32 AM   #312
soapdish
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That's such a nice thing to say. Thank you for helping and supporting me. I feel the kindred spirit too!!!!!

lots of love
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Unread 04-27-2017, 06:59 AM   #313
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Hey SD, you got lessons today? xx
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Unread 04-27-2017, 08:43 AM   #314
soapdish
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Yes, until 21.30.
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Unread 04-27-2017, 08:50 AM   #315
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oh man, hope it all goes well for you x
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Unread 04-28-2017, 12:13 PM   #316
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Hope you are well today SD, let us know how you are getting on, when you can xx
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Unread 04-28-2017, 04:08 PM   #317
soapdish
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Hi,

Everything is ok but I feel kind of silly because I'm having a battle with myself! Don't worry, the new more confident me is winning but now i'm pining and longing after him. So it just seems really strange to me how i can put blinkers up like that and so easily and readily forget the heartache and pain. It's quite unbelievable and shows that you can never let your guard down. A lot like with alcohol really.
Anyway I feel ok about everything because nothing actually matters except time. it doesn't matter what he says or I say. He's in prison, he says he's learnt his lesson, he'll never drink or do drugs again. He loves me. It was his rock bottom. He's a changed man.
Well, I just feel like it's all irrelevant. Only time will tell. Good for him, it seems like he's made a decent start. I hope so. We'll see. And that, for now, is the end of the matter.

I have a busy month ahead with May. The last scholastic month here. Then my summer routine kicks off in June and that certainly keeps me on my toes!

Have a nice weekend
xxxxx
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Unread 04-28-2017, 06:42 PM   #318
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well, it has some to do with your personality as the test you did, too. The battle with yourself is your own battle and one you will win. Take it one day at a time and stay busy. What do you do in June? Have a good weekend!
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Unread 04-29-2017, 02:57 AM   #319
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sorry you feel that way SD and are struggling. Take it easy, time heals doesnt it...you wont feel like this forever.

I sometimes pine after my ex, even though its been 3 years, but mostly i dont think of her.

Yes im also intruiged about June!?

What are your plans today? Lessons?

Love you xx
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Unread 04-29-2017, 04:08 PM   #320
soapdish
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Oh my gosh...I think i misled you! I really didn't mean my last post to have a somber tone. I was much worse before I went to see him. I am really fine. I feel like I have been struggling for a very long time. Years and years. All my life perhaps, even though there has been a lot of joy too of course.But this is the first time ever I have started to actually address my issues. So in my last post I was kind of laughing at myself because it's so easy to be self-destructive. It is so easy to love others yet so hard to love myself. But I am trying and managing fine.

and I also misled you about June! Ha! completely by mistake of course. Nothing exciting. I still do my workshops but the routine changes. It's like a mini summer camp. It's fun but I have to prepare hundreds of activities and do a lot of cleaning! I have to be incredibly vigilant that nobody hurts themselves, but also give them freedom to enjoy the outdoors. So it's always a challenge and will keep me mega-focused and force me to keep healthy so that I'm in good shape to do it well and give the children a great summer. All the talk of fitness on Alexis' thread is nearly making me get my trainers on again too!

I have finally accepted a friend's lunch invitation, well not lunch. I said I'd come for coffee afterwards. It's a step to not isolate myself, which is a tendency of mine. So just little gestures like this to stay well. I'm looking forward to warmer weather! It's freezing here.

lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-29-2017, 06:51 PM   #321
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It's all good no worries, just chatting some. It is so warm and muggy here.I'm sending it your way for warmth.
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Unread 04-30-2017, 11:45 AM   #322
soapdish
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Thanks, today is indeed warmer.

Xxxxxx
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Unread 04-30-2017, 01:30 PM   #323
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well i am glad you are feeling good!! that makes me smile a lot. Have you had time off today? Done anything nice? xx
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Unread 04-30-2017, 04:06 PM   #324
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Yes I'm really sleepy.

I did laundry, made paper dragons, went for coffee at my friend's. Rode my by bike by the river, phoned my mum, made tea bread and now I will go to bed!
Only 3 lessons tomorrow. I might go jogging.
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Unread 04-30-2017, 04:15 PM   #325
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wow SD sounds like a brilliant day

and tomorrow sounds good too...!! So pleased, you sound well xx
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Unread 04-30-2017, 04:22 PM   #326
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tea bread sounds interesting. I made some protein wheat bread. It was dense and delicious toasted. I get on the Scarsdale diet sometimes and it requires protein bread every morning.
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Unread 05-01-2017, 04:03 AM   #327
soapdish
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I put blueberries and walnuts in the tea bread. It's made with chickpea flour and it's great for breakfast.

It's cold and grey here. Only 5° outside: strange for May. Oh well. Too much to do in the house anyway.

Lots if love
Xxxxxxx
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Unread 05-01-2017, 06:16 AM   #328
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Sounds real insteresting! My sisters boyfriend made bread on Friday night and was so excited about it ahahah was really sweet.

Ive been thinking of baking a cake....

Its cold here today too but from this evening and for a few days it will be sunny. Just want the temperature to go up a bit!

Love you xx
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Unread 05-01-2017, 01:37 PM   #329
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Oh baking is fun when you get into it!
I have my great-grandma's recipe book full of wartime recipes and tips on how to budget groceries. It's a really amazing book! and I love the recipes because they are so simple, with like 4 or 5 ingredients tops. Unless you lived on a farm, you didn't have 4 eggs to put in a cake during rationing! Let alone butter and pounds of sugar. So actually the recipes are healthy and cheap to make.

I haven't been feeling great today to be honest but I've been reading lots of threads and I think I've ridden it out now. It just came over in a big wave when I was actually relaxing on the sofa. I got 3 msgs from people of the past and started chatting. One from over 5 years ago, and previous students and I just felt really emotional, in a good way, I was moved but then it dragged up past past thoughts and I had a kind of crying fit afterwards. It just took me by surprise and lasted ages because I haven't eaten yet so I was too weak to get myself up. I feel like I'm paralysed on the sofa. It's such a pity, I have been fine. Super fine. I think it's PMT but it's horrible. Plus I should eat, that might be part of why i'm feeling so awful now. Okay I'll go and make some soup. Be grateful and positive and get out of my head, damn it!

and happy May Day!
Seen any Morris Dancers around? He he
We used to make flower crowns when I was a kid and elect a May queen from among one of the kids in my street. I was never crowned but my birthday is in May so I didn't care!
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Unread 05-01-2017, 02:18 PM   #330
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Yes i may make a cake, and i wouldnt want to eat it all so i could pass some around to my friends!

Im so sorry you felt low i hope you have eaten something and it has helped?? Sometimes we can just feel so crappy for no reason and its difficult to understand and accept.

Its ok to feel like that though too...sometimes we all need a good cry. Im sending you love and cuddles xx
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Unread 05-02-2017, 08:12 AM   #331
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Thank you Alexis. It crept up on both of us yesterday, didn't it?

I am busy working all day until 10pm today so that is good for me and I got some things done this morning and ate veggie soup for lunch so that is all good for well-being and helps me feel less worthless.

I wish everybody a great day
Hugs
Xxxxxx
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Unread 05-02-2017, 09:51 AM   #332
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Yes it certainly did creep up on us horrible. Its still lingering around today but not as forceful.

Wow thats a late day. Glad you had some lunch though, im hungry and irritable so ill get some food.

You are not worthless so im glad you feel better about that. You are an amazing, kind, funny, wonderful person.

Love, lots of it xx
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Unread 05-02-2017, 05:38 PM   #333
soapdish
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ooh I was fishing for compliments I suppose

It was an interesting day and I was grateful for it. No thinking tonight. Just go to bed and wake up tomorrow. It's that easy. Keep it simple Soapdish.

Night everyone
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Unread 05-03-2017, 07:23 AM   #334
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Yes keep it simple

Whats your plan today? Work Work Work??

Thinking of you and hope you slept well xx
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Unread 05-03-2017, 08:22 AM   #335
soapdish
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I fell asleep on the sofa in a sitting position. Today I'll work a lot and focus on the lesson objectives and try to make everyone's day better, then I'll have supper at 9.30 and be sure to be in bed by midnight.
Everything will be good.
Hugs
Xxxxx
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Unread 05-03-2017, 09:31 AM   #336
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oh no not again! You need to know when to get under the covers in bed

Sounds like a good day SD, long and tiring but good.

Hope you get home safe and enjoy your dinner xx
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Unread 05-04-2017, 10:27 AM   #337
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How are you today SD? xx
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Unread 05-04-2017, 11:33 AM   #338
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Hi SD, sometimes the past stirs up stuff in us, but just change the channel and it can disappear. Music memory does that to me and I can get real low, so I Just change it quickly. However, I'm good at giving you compliments, because you are amazing! You are so quick and sharp and gorgeous, it is quite enviable really. take care today. I wish I had a cake......
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Unread 05-04-2017, 04:35 PM   #339
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I would gladly bake a cake for you LD.

So today one of the kids taught me a silly rhyme:
'My favourite colour of the alphabet is four'.

None of the other children laughed, but I thought it was hilarious!

I feel like I'm still very disorganised in the house but that I'm doing a bit better and I'm chilled out about my workload. I am snowed under but I feel relaxed. I'll do it when I can. Simple as that. I'm not going to make myself ill over it. This morning I didn't do anything in particular, just errands and housework. Then I had a nap! It was so good. I've decided to use my lesson-free hours to chill out a bit more and generally try to be tidy so I don't have to waste potential relax time, tidying up. It's really hard!

Good night
xxxx
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Unread 05-04-2017, 04:50 PM   #340
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there is always someone messier than you or cleaner, always a given livable fact. so, you never have to worry, because it is all about you and not them. No worries, have a good day. thanks for the cake...
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Unread 05-05-2017, 05:10 AM   #341
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Agree with LD, maybe unfortunately someone will always be better or worse off!

Hard thing to accept sometimes.

Glad you are napping...i read an article lately saying it boosts brain energy and other things.

Hope your lessons go well today Let us know how you get on!! xx
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Unread 05-05-2017, 12:36 PM   #342
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How are you today SD, just chill and take in some good breaths.
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Unread 05-06-2017, 03:16 AM   #343
soapdish
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Thanks LD and Alexis.

Everything is ok here. Just working as usual and ignoring any negativity or temptation that comes my way.

Have a nice weekend everyone

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 05-06-2017, 04:24 AM   #344
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Glad you are ok.

Any plans this weekend? xx
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Unread 05-06-2017, 02:07 PM   #345
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Hi SD, May you have a really nice peaceful weekend, May is a busy month and let it treat you well.
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Unread 05-07-2017, 06:07 AM   #346
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Yes LD May is a mad busy month. I have so much to do with it being the end of the scholastic year, but that it good! It is useful for me to be occupied: both mind and hands.

I was researching something for work and somehow I ended up on this amusing video...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iozAFIr3BEw

I scored 800+ ha ha ha
I saw myself, and also my mum, in so many of those descriptions. It made me laugh. All the more reason to lay off the coffee!

So things have been fine but I've been a little under the weather and it's kind of dragging on. I wish it would be sunny, warmer and more spring-like!

I'm still looking for a counsellor. The psychologist I saw 2 years ago replied finally, saying she is on maternity leave and not working now. Unfortunately she didn't recommend anyone else. The waiting list on the health service is too long so I am looking privately. I might get a reply tomorrow from a place I contacted. I just think it would be useful to talk some things through with somebody, and so I just have to make time for it and be willing to fork out seventy euro a session.

My sleeping and eating patterns are totally crazy. I know what I should do but I am not doing it. That's my fault really, so I need to find a way to get back on track. The main thing is that I've started enjoying my lesson prep again and I've started creating new origami models again. So I think that's a good sign and I generally feel much better. I think about drinking in the bar quite a lot and I get pangs of temptation almost every day but I know alcohol is my foe not my friend. Idem about him and thoughts of him. It's quite amazing really to be still under his spell 5 months down the line. But I can certainly say that time is healing.

Addiction often feels like that. Like I've got a spell on me. A spell hanging over me or deep inside my body.
Reading, cycling, teaching, making things, chatting to you guys, being kind to people and smiling, caring for my cats, gardening, walking in the woods, singing 'Country roads' at the top of my voice while cleaning windows ... these are my antidotes to the spell of addiction. I just need to eat and sleep better, and believe in myself more.

Have a lovely Sunday everyone
Lots of kisses (blueberry kisses, as I'm eating a bowl of big blueberries)
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 05-07-2017, 09:37 PM   #347
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that's really good that you can distract yourself with those cravings. I think you are doing well and not be so hard on yourself with thinking you have bad habits or are unorganized. I eat good about 3/4 of the day and then it goes whacko, but hey I see worse all the time, so it is ok....... hey, they had these cottages with ornate decorations and a book about the history of the Langham Huntington from England. We just had breakfast there with pancakes and avocado toast too. Have a really good week and continue until the end of May, I hope you go on a nice vacation for yourself. I enjoy hearing about your adventures and things you do.
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Unread 05-08-2017, 05:45 AM   #348
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HEY SD!

How are you today? You sound busy but you also sound good! even if you have been down....if that makes sense??

Your remedies for the blues sounds like my own remedies. For me, meditation, the gym, eating well, gardening, singing along to music, watching a film, reading a book, playing with the cats, coming on here to chat....all help. Its difficult to do when you are in the depths of depression/addiction/anxiety though isnt it...

I hope the weather improves for you (what part of Italy do you live)

Love you lots xx
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Unread 05-08-2017, 05:55 PM   #349
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if that makes sense....it makes perfect sense and no sense! You hit the nail on the head. It's EXACTLY how I feel!!!

At the moment my mind is buzzing and racing at supersonic speed because I've just finished my lessons. They were interesting today. In the last lesson with adults we talked about the job we'd like instead of our current job. One person said she'd like to be an artist, another said he'd be a social worker and another said a travel blogger. With my kids groups we made chocolate truffles and origami hearts and boxes for mother's day. It was a wonderful day.

Now my mind is so fresh with ideas for all my next lessons and normally I sit and write them up but then I keep going until the early hours. So I've used an ideas book instead and just jotted rough notes in it. I will force myself to unwind and stop working now, it's gone 11 pm. In reality I am really itching to work work work work never stop. It's the first time in my life that I haven't been around drugs and alcohol, and the first time I've lived alone and so I'm channeling all my obsessions into my work. On one hand, I think that's a good thing, because I could really achieve something this year, on the other hand I must be careful that I'm not just using work to self-destruct.

You see, this is one reason I wanted to see a counsellor...to stop myself talking like one, when in reality I don't know a thing!

Oh enough of this!

Today I roasted a chicken for the cats but I haven't eaten much myself all day, just a walnut muffin and a banana. I will go and get something and try to switch off my mind now with a good story on TV.

I still haven't seen the Jinx. I got sidetracked with Great British Castles he he!

Oh I live in the north of Italy, near Bergamo. You can see the Alps in the distance from my window. It's pretty but places aren't looked after very well and there's a lot of rubbish everywhere. But there's a private wood behind my back garden and the view from the living room window is bliss.

G'night everyone
xxxxxxxx

Last edited by soapdish; 05-08-2017 at 05:58 PM.. Reason: didn't make sense
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Unread 05-08-2017, 07:50 PM   #350
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oh I talk like a counselor all the time, we are figuring out us and others. The world is based on psychology, there is a reason we do things, every darn thing we do. I think it's so interesting, that would be my other job in your adult class. So, keep talking it will help you, just don't feel bad about your thoughts. You are not a bad person, very interesting and kind by far. I tried the video and I saw a few things I had, but he kept saying stuff so I had to turn it off. It was interesting.
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