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Unread 02-02-2017, 08:29 AM   #101
soapdish
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I'm sorry. I feel like I'm being really annoying posting advice everywhere, when I am the worst at following my own advice.
I just feel really lonely. I have tried to talk to friends but it just scares them. It's just too big for them even i
f to me it isn't. They look at me in disbelief, pity, amazement like how could you let him do that for so long? Are you dumb or what's wrong with you? So this place is a haven for me. Sorry if I get a bit intense sometimes.
Wishing you all a happy afternoon. Finally raining here yipeee clear the bad air.

Last edited by soapdish; 02-02-2017 at 08:30 AM.. Reason: Typos
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Unread 02-02-2017, 11:35 AM   #102
Alexis
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SD, never apologise...its ok. We all write some pretty harrowing stuff on here. We have all been through some horrible things, just read through our journals and you will see.

You will also see that we are greeted with love, understanding and hope.

So please, keep talking. Its a haven here for me too, i hardly tell my friends the things i tell you all, because its hard for them to understand. But you guys have been through 'it' and the love and acceptance i feel here is everything to me.

Its ok you have been smoking but put the joint down and drink some of that amazing tea from your garden! Eat an apple. clear the clothes away and go for a spin on your bike. Watch a film, read a book....just distract yourself.

Hey, just talk on here all night!! im usually around.

It will get better, i, like you, find it easier to GIVE advice rather than take my own...but we should work at it together. Deal?!

You are one of us now SD and we will look out for you xx
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Unread 02-02-2017, 06:01 PM   #103
lostdog
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Take care , gentle hugs, it's ok.
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Unread 02-03-2017, 10:01 AM   #104
soapdish
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Long live Marmite on toast
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Unread 02-03-2017, 11:23 AM   #105
Alexis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soapdish View Post
Long live Marmite on toast
ewww no, horrible!! haha

How you doing today? x
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Unread 02-04-2017, 05:53 PM   #106
soapdish
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Times are tough but I'm certainly better than when I was here at Christmas, and I feel resilient. So that is very encouraging.
Dad, on the other hand, is very poorly indeed. We are very worried and sad.

I am lucky that I am self-employed so if I need to drop everything and come back, I can.

It is nice being in England. People on the bus chatted to me and everyone says "thank you, bye" to the bus driver. When I do that in Italy, people look at me like I'm mad, including the bus driver!
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Unread 02-04-2017, 06:51 PM   #107
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I am very sorry to hear about your dad. I hope you feel at peace today and know that we are all supporting you.
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Unread 02-05-2017, 12:47 PM   #108
Alexis
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Sorry about your dad SD, sending strength to you and your family.

Yes, we are polite here arent we haha xx
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Unread 02-05-2017, 06:25 PM   #109
soapdish
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Dear friends,

Dad was perkier today. He managed to sleep last night and didn't argue with the patients in the beds opposite him, so I think that made a big difference to his mood. He says he can manage the pain meds by himself. He's such a stubborn man!
Of course the reason he is in hospital in the first place is that he was in the pub. A long story I won't go into, but one we all know well.
I am glad he has got his sense of humour and he looks soooo cute in his pyjamas. I love him very much.

I am happy to have given mum a rest, well, somewhat at least and I've been cooking pasta a go-go since Friday.

I am anxious about returning home tomorrow but I can't wait to see my cats. I just have to keep myself in check and not be gloomy. The week will be hardgoing workwise, so I will try to focus and keep energised. I have bought some hawthorn tincture to help me sleep and to keep me in this good routine.

The builder should come on Wednesday to fix the window (SHOULD come, doesn't actually mean he will folks!). The quote for the front door was way too steep. I can't afford it, and I need to keep some money aside in case I need to get a flight for England last minute, so I'll just have to make do for now. I'll seal it with some more polyfila and I thought I could reinforce it from the inside with some boards of wood. I bought a little drill so I can also FINALLY put some lightshades up and fix the coffee table. Well, try to at least!
So that's my plan. Just got to stick to it and shake myself into action if I find that I'm moping around and being wimpy.
Lots of love
X
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Unread 02-06-2017, 04:53 AM   #110
NancyB
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Hi soapdish, glad that your dad is doing better and you gave your mom some rest. I hope you have a safe trip home. Also hope the guy actually does show up Wednesday to fix the window. Maybe he can give you some ideas on what to do about the door until you can get it fixed too.

Take good care of you!!

Nancy
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Unread 02-06-2017, 07:35 AM   #111
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Hey Soapdish. Glad your dad feels better. My dad has been ill so i know what you are going through.

Hope the guy turns up to fix the window and yes, please secure that front door!!

Cool you have a drill and will be fixing things, always very satisfying when things are done. I got lightbulbs and replaced all the dud ones in the house and felt like a King!! haha

Keep talking to us xx
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Unread 02-06-2017, 12:06 PM   #112
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I'm glad about your dad. That's nice you are so talented!
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Unread 02-06-2017, 03:52 PM   #113
soapdish
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Hi addiction survivors,

Thanks LD, Alexis & Nancy. It is always so heartwarming to get your posts.
LD I really am not DIY talented. I am just sick of waiting around for workmen who do shoddy jobs and overcharge me just because I'm foreign. Everything takes ages here so that's why I bought the drill. I figured I'd stop complaining and getting frustrated and learn to do it myself. How hard can it be?
Lol probably very hard, that's why tradesmen make a living from it, but I can try! Can't hurt to try!
It's too late to do anything now so I'm lying on my sofa looking at the fire wondering where the 4th cat is. I'm sure she'll appear soon.
The thing I love about animals is:
a) they are so beautiful and majestic, yet they neither know that nor care about it.
b) they do not lie awake at night judging themselves and others, or fretting and whining over their condition like we humans do.

I think I will try to be more like them.

Goodnight everyone,
All the very best to you all for tonight & tomorrow
X
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Unread 02-06-2017, 04:41 PM   #114
Alexis
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I learnt to build walls out of wooden boards and timber, to make an art installation. I now love drills! I also learnt how to wire lights which is also fun!

Good night SD, take it east and rest well xx
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Unread 02-06-2017, 07:24 PM   #115
lostdog
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well, you try and that was is important, that's a sign of sheer intelligence in my book? take care and rest well this evening.
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Unread 02-07-2017, 02:36 AM   #116
soapdish
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So cool Alexis. I wish you were here to help me.
Xxxx
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Unread 02-07-2017, 03:22 AM   #117
Alexis
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So do i SD! We could brew your special tea and sit with your cats, while i fix things for you and show you how!

x
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Unread 02-10-2017, 04:06 AM   #118
soapdish
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Hi

Put the lightshades up. Took forever and one is a bit wonky but I don't care.
Window is fixed. Finally light coming into the kitchen.
Cats are confused about the catflap so I've taped it open. Very funny watching them!
Just trying to get through the week. Taking each day as it comes. Can't plan. Feeling sad and I miss HIM. Absurd as that is.
Also I am a workaholic and I wish I had more free time... roll on Sunday.
Xxx
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Unread 02-10-2017, 06:08 AM   #119
Alexis
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Well done SD! On fixing things. It will help your mood to have accomplished that

Sorry you are missing him, i still miss my ex of 3 years ago!! Stupid.

Im also a workaholic and i feel lost with the free time i have, let me pass some onto you...

Breathe, be grateful, keep talking here and cuddle with your cats!

Love to you xx
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Unread 02-10-2017, 03:00 PM   #120
lostdog
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You are talented and very capable. Have a nice evening.
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Unread 02-12-2017, 12:03 PM   #121
Alexis
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Hows your weekend been SD? x
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Unread 02-13-2017, 03:44 AM   #122
soapdish
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Worked 12 hours on Saturday.
Laundry and housework on Sunday, but I also got to rest in the evening.
So a boring weekend but I am grateful to have work and for the peace and quiet on Sunday.

I am a bit stuck in the mud thoughtwise. I just feel sad inside about everything that has happened. About sending him to prison.
I am ok, I understand that regret and guilt are pointless. It's just a feeling of sadness that doesn't ever go away. I guess time will heal. It's a clichè that is probably true. I hope so anyway.
X
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Unread 02-13-2017, 10:29 AM   #123
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I understand your going through a lot,but you will persevere. You are strong, capable, and smart!
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Unread 02-13-2017, 05:11 PM   #124
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Hey Soapdish,

Of course you feel sad. Your heart's been broken. How could you feel positive or happy after suffering such an experience? Any feeling contrary to your current state of being would be inauthentic. And one thing you clearly are is...authentic!

Moreover, it also feels, it surely does, that this feeling of abject emptiness is a forever sentence, that, no matter what comes along, your mega-painful loneliness will never go away.

It will. I know you know this. Of course, that's intellectualizing the human heart and such a thing is always a losing hand. It is nonetheless true, though, cliché or not.

Believe this, Soapdish, one day, maybe tomorrow, maybe a bit longer, you will meet another person, a fine, heartfelt, loving, passionate, incredibly decent person---and you will fall deeply for this human person, as will he/she fall for you.

Guaranteed to happen? Uh, you know better than that. Were such guarantees...guaranteed? What a life! Alas, they ain't. But they are possible.

And while all this is happening, whether for a life time, or for a mere few "moments," that pain you now feel? It will have lessened...and lightened...and, one day before you even recognize it, it will be gone, that heartpain you once felt, you will feel no more.

Until then, all you can do...all you should do...is feel those feelings. Pushing them down does not make them go away; it makes them fester. Feel them, until you no longer feel them---all the while living your good and decent life.

Something like that. I think.

sam
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Unread 02-14-2017, 05:37 PM   #125
soapdish
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Hi.

Thank you Sam for taking the time to write to me.
I appreciate your thoughts a lot. You are very kind and helpful.

I am concentrating on the positives and looking for joy in the small things. I can carry this sorrow like I've carried others before it. Or in modern English: gotta suck it up!


Thing is, I would like to go and see him. I miss him and desire him and I feel like I'm still in love with him and this is really disturbing me. I am using every ounce of energy I have to stop myself going to see him.

I think of everything he's done to me and I to him and the answer is plain to see, don't go! So I won't go but there's a lingering thought that I might.
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Unread 02-14-2017, 06:53 PM   #126
NancyB
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Hi soapdish, keep thinking of the last time you saw him and everything that happened even prior to that.

Please replace thoughts of going to see him with thoughts about how you deserve someone so much better. Someone who will respect you, love you and never ever hurt you.

You deserve that. You truly do.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 02-15-2017, 04:37 AM   #127
Alexis
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Hey SD, morning.

Do you think these thoughts are because you 'cant' have him? I for one know that i fall for people who i cant have (usually because they are in relationships!) i pine for them, im miserable, all i want to do is tell them im in love with them etc etc. But really, if they came to my door single and told me they wanted me back, id run a mile!!

Do you think if he came round to yours, drunk, aggressive...you would think you loved him still?

Just a thought - if the answer is no...please remember that.

Love is f*cked up. Ive had my heart broken and broken hearts myself, so many times.

Time DOES heal. Yes it sounds silly but it does. And you will bump into someone soon and hit it off. you deserve that xx
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Unread 02-15-2017, 10:06 AM   #128
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Hey Soapdish!

I think any of us who've ever been in love understand the pull you're feeling, the remembrance of those best of times and how they could so easily be reclaimed---if we'd just...try. Again.

This is not so, though. It's a fantasy that, like all fantasies, ends well. ALL your past history tells you that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try or how much love you give to him, it will end, as it always ends, badly.

We who are addicts may understand the pull of compulsion better than anyone. I'm not saying that your ex is a drug...or maybe that's precisely what I AM saying. He is "like" a drug, maybe that's it.

Back during my active addiction, lots of years!, I would feel so good, so peaceful and, in a way, so loving when I had a hefty supply of stash. Yet in the end, no matter how much dope I had, the bottle/bag/vial would run dry.

If I had a thousand Oxys, the day WOULD come when, holy cripes, I'd look in the bag and see...nothing. My dope was gone and I would soon be sick...again.

No matter what, every time I went back to drugs, something BAD happened. I was peaceful for a while, but inevitably I would lose that peace. Nothing good ever happened when I scored dope, only bad---and it happened every time, time after freaking time.

Everything about your experience with this man tells you that it will end badly, just as it always does. Yes, you might have a few days/weeks of good times, but ultimately it will all come tumbling down.

And like always, you will be left weeping. Probably hurting too. Maybe this time, though, maybe you will be hurt badly. Forgive me, SD---but any "next time' with this man might be your last time at anything.

You are human, Soapdish---and humans yearn to love and to be loved. Who can blame you for wanting this? I surely don't. But kid, not with this man. He is, to carry my analogy a step further, bad dope.

He is a damaged man that you cannot save. He is an unbalanced, likely mentally ill alcoholic/addict who, in his terrible rage, may one day end your life.

For what it's worth, resist, Soapdish. Wait for a person whose love is kind and decent. That person exists. Find him. Let yourself be found by him.

sam
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Unread 02-16-2017, 04:18 PM   #129
soapdish
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Hi everyone and thank you for taking the time to support me so much.

Totally hit the nail on the head, he is like a drug to me and I crave him. I'm still smitten even if I know we are bad for each other.

I will keep fighting my desires, and keep reading these important messages on my thread when I feel like I want to go to him.

Coincidentally, his brother came round to see me today and told me that HE has been transferred to another prison and is asking to see me.

So mu head is really full right now but I will be vigilant and not a nincompoop again! At least, that's my intention.

Thank you so much

Hugs
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Unread 02-17-2017, 04:14 AM   #130
soapdish
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Cool

I got a letter from him this morning.

It was dated 14th February and it sats "happy Valentine's day" Oh the irony.

My heart missed a beat when I opened my post box.

The letter says he's sorry and that he can't live without me. It begs me to go and see him. It has drawings of hearts and flowers. He says it's a nightmare in prison.

I am torn up inside.

I think I will reply to the letter but I will choose my words very carefully.

I am quite distressed but today I have difficult work to do so I have to put it out of my mind.

X
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Unread 02-17-2017, 06:15 AM   #131
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Hi soapdish, for a moment, let's switch places. I'm telling you about my bf in jail, and what he did, how he ended up there, the hurt, the pain, etc. I then tell you I get another apology from him, this one is in the form of a flowery letter from jail and that I'm torn now because it makes me want to go see him.

What would you tell me to do?

Hugs,

Nancy
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Unread 02-17-2017, 07:27 AM   #132
soapdish
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I'm being careful Nancy.
I am fully aware of what he did. I am fully aware of my soft heart and his manipulative skills.
I am fighting the urge to go to him. I am trying to do what's best for me and only me.
Thank you for replying. Writing here is a way for me to work through this. I'm sorry for the drama.
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Unread 02-17-2017, 08:18 AM   #133
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Hi soapdish, please don't apologize, please, it's not drama, it's what's going on in your life! I apologize if you thought I thought it was drama. I just sometimes find that looking at we're going through from another viewpoint can give us a fresh thought process on things we may be too close to.

I just want the best for you.

Nancy
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Unread 02-17-2017, 08:23 AM   #134
soapdish
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Thank you Nancy.

And I didn't mean to sound snarky!

😊

I appreciate everything that everyone writes to me here and I do take it on board. Thank you for not leaving me to deal with this alone.

X
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Unread 02-17-2017, 08:42 AM   #135
NancyB
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Hi again, no not snarky at all. You're going through a lot! I hope you can treat yourself this weekend and do something fun and pamper yourself. You really deserve something nice. And someone nice.

Hugs!
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Unread 02-17-2017, 08:57 AM   #136
Alexis
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Hey SD. Nancy is right really, looking at it from another viewpoint is good exercise. When im being critical towards myself, Nancy and Millie often ask me, would i say that to a friend? Of course i wouldnt! So why should i say it to myself....?!

This is similar, if your friend was in your situation, how would you advise them?

Its good to distance yourself and not to think with heightened emotion at times.

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Ill tell you a tiny story of a past love of mine.

Me and my friend fell for each other, fell deeply in love, yet she had a fiance and a child. Stupidly we started a 6 month affair. She was going to leave him and be with me. But he found out and threatened to take the child off her. So she left me instead.

Man i was torn up...i took drugs, i got drunk, i slept around, i allowed myself to be beaten up. Anything to not feel the emotions of losing her.

And that was only a 6/8 month thing!!!

Now look at yourself, how amazingly you are coping!! Seriously im so proud of you and look up to you! You are taking it a day at a time, some days will be worse than others, some days will be ok, but some days will be filled with wonderful things.

Your tea from your garden, your new DIY skills, your cats...

Its f*cking hard when you love someone and you cant/shouldnt be with them.

But you deserve the world, and this guy? he wont give you the world...

Youve only been here a short time SD but already you are part of the family and we dont want to see you hurt.

Drama? nope, just life. And what would we do if we couldnt chat to each other here? Keep talking to us, cry, complain, vent, rant, whatever...laugh, smile, feel loved. Because you are loved here, very much so.

xx
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Unread 02-17-2017, 03:55 PM   #137
lostdog
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You will get our 100% to support you. That's hard, I would have to get insight from someone to keep me focused and on track. Whether it's a phone call, friends, or counseling. Each day ,just take it slow. You are so smart and strong.
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Unread 02-18-2017, 01:36 PM   #138
soapdish
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Hi thanks all of you.

Such lovely letters to me.

Tomorrow is Sunday. My only day off and thus my favourite day...well half a day, as I work in the mornings!
But I've taken tomorrow morning off as I feel exhausted. So yes tomorrow I will do the dull stuff in the morning, like laundry, and I will pamper myself in the afternoon.
I want to reduce the hours I work but I'm stuck until May.

Alexis thanks for sharing your story with me and your letter was beautiful.

I thought about counselling but where I live the choice is stark. I never went for the massage. There are a lot of things I could do to help me heal from this but I don't have time. If I make time, I won't have enough money to cover the bills. So I just have to keep smiling and go to work and look forward to Sundays.

The good thing is that I can't even go to the prison unless I take more time off work and I'm not gonna do that when I need to go and see dad in England first.
So I just mean I won't go on a whim. It would be well planned and out of necessity.

I'm not making much sense.

I just prefer to bury my head in the sand and get through the day. I guess that's also why I'm working so much.

I will try to get my spirit back.

It's just been a rough week and tonight is the end of it so I'm feeling tired and crappy. Tomorrow will be better if I make it so. 💝🤗
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Unread 02-18-2017, 02:54 PM   #139
Alexis
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SD, you are very welcome.

I know what you mean about working to hard. As you know it was my big show in January and the past year has been just so busy, every day, so much to do. My whole organisation, i do everything alone...if i had more money i could get an assistant but i could only afford one for the last 3 months. Anyway, now work has slowed down and its more time to think, which isnt good at all

Today has been crappy for me also, lets both try to make tomorrow better.

What do you have planned after your house chores?
xx
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Unread 02-19-2017, 03:22 AM   #140
soapdish
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You've got a deal Alexis

I was thinking yesterday that he has waited 2 months to contact me. I guess he's suffering withdrawal badly and needs some money. Asking me to go and see him might be more about that, than about "love".
I have to be careful of his trick; threatening suicide.
It got me every time I tried to break up with him. He hints at it in his letter. I can't bear it.
I know that his choices aren't my responsibility but still...it's very hard to ignore someone's suffering.

There's a thick fog over the river. It's very suggestive. Makes me want to go back to bed.

But on with the chores...I don't want to waste the day sleeping.
🐈
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Unread 02-19-2017, 06:21 AM   #141
Alexis
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How long have you been up SD? I had a lie in and awoke at 10am!! Im still yawning into my cup of tea (second of the day!)

What are you going to do this afternoon? xx
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Unread 02-19-2017, 01:27 PM   #142
Alexis
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Have you enjoyed your day SD? xx
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Unread 02-19-2017, 05:21 PM   #143
soapdish
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Yes enjoyed the day well enough, thank you for asking.
Just been blobbing around.
Xxxxxxx
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Unread 02-20-2017, 06:22 AM   #144
Alexis
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sounds great!

Have a nice day xx
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Unread 02-20-2017, 05:29 PM   #145
lostdog
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glad you enjoyed your day!
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Unread 02-22-2017, 09:56 AM   #146
Alexis
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How are you today SD?xx
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Unread 02-22-2017, 04:36 PM   #147
soapdish
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Hi,

Thanks Alexis
I'm trying hard to feel lucky, happy and grateful but I have a heavy heart and a furrowed brow.

I'm just waiting for the morning when I wake up and feel ok.

But nevermind me, I'm just wallowing and having a bad week. I'm feeling very distracted and I need to get back on track with eating and sleeping properly.

So I will start by going to bed!

Good night everyone,
xxxx
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Unread 02-23-2017, 07:22 AM   #148
lostdog
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I hope you are feeling better, the sun will come out soon. big hugs and lots of luv to you!
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Unread 02-24-2017, 06:24 AM   #149
soapdish
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Thanks LD!

xxxx
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Unread 02-25-2017, 09:50 PM   #150
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How are you doing SD? I hope you had a nice day today.
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