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Unread 10-13-2015, 09:08 AM   #1
AshW
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Question Road of Repeats

I have read almost every post before taking this huge step and making my own. Thank you to all those that have posted you have helped me more than anything. My husband has a bad drinking problem. Our whole marriage he has moved in and out. He will throw his wedding ring at me and say he wants a divorce. Make fake social media accounts and keeps in constant contact with his ex's, at one point he was doing it while I was in the hospital. He talks to everyone but me about his problems. It's to the point my anxiety levels are through the roof when he is around. My two kids and I are afraid to even speak when he's around. I have found myself becoming a person I don't like because I never know how he is going to respond. He's always talking about me and running me down to anyone that will listen while I was making excuses for him and covering up his drinking. He finally stopped again and moved out. He says he wants a divorce but anytime I try to talk to him about it he changes the subject. IDK what to do at this point. I believe he is a great person but he keeps blaming me for all of his problems. I have anxiety issues and can not handle anymore. He's just so back and forth. One minute he's saying that he doesn't know how I put up with him and how amazing I am and the next he's calling me names and want's a divorce. At this point I can't help him anymore I have to let myself heal from all this damage. I'm trying to be there for him as a friend but even that is one sided. He was the only one working and I'm trying to look for work. I asked him to stay at our house and help me with our kids for a few days. I have chronic environmental allergies which effects my asthma. I have to go off my meds and I'm afraid that I will have another bad asthma attack, I can't be alone with two young kids and off my meds. I only needed help for this appointment and even told him he could have the bedroom. I am only trying to get healthy so I can get a job and provide for my kids, and he accused me of trying to basically trick him into moving back in. That's not it at all. He had the only job and my kids need a food, a home and transportation, they are both special needs. I really don't know what to do at this point. He won't talk about getting a divorce. I feel like once again he's trying to use me as a backup plan even though we are married. Any advice?
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Unread 10-13-2015, 09:12 AM   #2
AshW
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I would also like to mention that he is currently on probation for DUI and totally our jeep. He was going to get more beer. His friends take his side and fault me because of the lies he tells and his parents tell me one thing and him another. He makes me feel like I am the enemy and I only want what's best for him and for him to stay sober and start going back to church.
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Unread 10-13-2015, 08:34 PM   #3
R. Lee
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AshW, Welcome to the site. 1st of all you can not get your husband to stop drinking. He has to want to stop on his own. 2nd. Why do you want yourself & your kids to live in an environment as toxic as this?

I can't tell you what to do but I would not live under these conditions.

Good luck with your decisions.
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Unread 10-14-2015, 03:59 PM   #4
AshW
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I don't want that life for any of us. He is now saying he is sober and going to stay that way but part of me is wondering how much of that is the truth. I guess only time will tell. As hard as it is if he want's the alcohol he will no longer have his family. My kids are my world and they will always come first. Thank you for you reply.
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Unread 10-14-2015, 04:59 PM   #5
Sam Bailey
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Hello AshW,

Yes, you do have a way OUT of the life you, and your kids, are currently living. Suffering through might be a better way of saying it. Cause truth is, living with an alcoholic/addict in active addiction is hardly "living" at all. Instead, it's existing, day after day after troubled day.

Living in this darkness means waking up every day NOT knowing what the day will bring. It means NOT knowing what the END of the day is going to bring, whether or not your husband is going to come home sober---or loaded.

Anyway. You KNOW what this kind of life is like because...you're living it. And it is a very crappy life to live, it is.

However.

You can stop. It may, at first, cause you some degree of discomfort, but in the end it will free you and your children. It may save your life. And his. And your kids' lives, too.

Re what your husband said to you, that he is now sober and that he's going to stay that way?

Ok, good. IF he means it. IF he does it, then yes, it really is a good thing.

But Ash? Words mean NOTHING.

See, I was the addict in my family...and the pain that I put my family through was terrible. I told them, and I told MYSELF, time after time, that I was done with it. But the truth was, I was not. Not for a long, long time.

Please, let me repeat myself: Words mean nothing, actions mean everything.

What is he doing to stay sober? What help does he have? For example, has he joined a Support Program, such as AA? IF all he is doing is TELLING you he'll change, chances are he won't change.

What you can do is, well, as you now know, very little.

Bottom line is this: Unless he wants to change, he won't.

However, you can draw BOUNDARIES. You can INSIST that he involves himself, for example, in support programs and other efforts that have a proven track record at helping alcoholics. AA, Other Support Meetings (90 Meetings in 90 days), one on one therapy, an exercise program, a physical exam---and in each one of these---Honesty. No bullshyte! He must now tell the truth, to you, to his family, to the therapist, to his physician, etc.

The time is gone when he can BS his way through his addiction.

Re getting this real life, outside help? If he's lying, whether to you or himself or to both of you, he'll come out with some lame excuse. "Oh, AA isn't for me, I don't believe in God, it's embarrassing, blah, blah, blah."

Don't accept a single excuse!

It is time for your husband to do the right thing, and time for you to stop listening to his excuses. If he won't change, it's also time for you, IMO, to go.

All of this, Ash---with all respect and best wishes. All in my opinion, of course.

Please, keep posting.

best,

sam b
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Unread 10-16-2015, 09:59 PM   #6
lostdog
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I understand being married a while, he probably makes you feel guilty a lot and then there is an issue of being codependent. Seek help at Al-anon and get advice, call a help line too and keep posting, I hope I can help you. You deserve a safe life with your kids, it is a hard situation to be in a troubling marriage with alcohol involved. Best wishes and keep posting for hlep.
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Unread 10-19-2015, 06:10 PM   #7
crackingBozo
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A former addict once commented:
"If I don't want to stop getting high you still can't strap me down and cure me. It IS up to the person that is an addict to want to get clean and go down that path. That is why we destroy our lives and everyone's around us until we have nothing left to destroy. An addict has to be ready and willing to quit, no one else in the world can persuade them otherwise."

Same applies to alcoholics, only the object of addiction is different. So when your husband tells you he's sober just out of the blue - he's lying. It takes a long, dedicated, difficult process to be sober and stay sober. No amount of treatment will work if he is not willing and he cannot do this alone either, he needs help.

Think about what could work to motivate him to seek treatment. I sure hope he's not like my uncle who detoxified in prison when my aunt sued him for child abuse. Try talking to him and accept no excuses, like Sam suggested.

Big hugs for you from a fellow-mom.
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Unread 10-24-2015, 05:04 PM   #8
Lifewithoutalcoholic
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Default No trust, sadly had to let go

My ex husband and I tried to work things out after we divorced. I went back after he had his 3rd DUI staying on weekends only because we were taking it slow and he had so many things to work on regarding counseling, treatment , work etc.

I was cautiously happy believing in his contrite attitude. Long story short, he had all of his neighbors lying for him and forging his AA slops, he had ghost written letters to the drivers license board to give him his license back that his friends also signed. These letters were all lies stating that he was now so much happier that he quit drinking (lie), that he had re established relationships with his children (lie) and that they had seen such a dramatic change in him now that he wasn't drinking (lie), and that they believed he was committed to sobriety (lie).

He was still drinking even though he was being randomly tested, as he would drink after the tests knowing he wouldn't be tested afterwards. He lied to his AA sponsor, he made fun of the whole system which included the state, the counsellors, the courts the bar association ( he is an attorney), Alcoholics Anonymous , me and everyone else . We were All wrong and all of the things he had to do, including losing drivers license for two years, having to have an interlock device installed in his car, paying fees to get his license back, and the judges and lawyers assistance group were all wrong.

He was drinking during his probation and afterwards. He angrily told me that he wasn't going to ever stop drinking and no one was ever going to tell him what he can and cannot do and that if I didn't like it too bad. That we weren't going to work. He was mad because I wasn't living with him and talking about remarriage. I lived this craziness for the few years we were married (2.5). I lived with the angry fights, the yelling, screaming , slurring falling down drunk antics. The worry of him driving drunk and living with anger because I was sick of always having to drive home after get together soon or functions. I was sick of him being angry with me because he couldn't understand my frustration and fear that he might kills himsel or someone else while on the road. I've seen what his drinking has done to his children from prior marriages. Two have drug and alcohol issues and arrests, and the third I'm afraid will develope one.

I loved this man , I still do....he broke up with me when I wouldn't give in about his drinking. I was sick of hearing...." I don't have a drinking problem.... I have a drinking and driving problem so I'm not going to drink and drive anymore." I think I know how that is going to end.... I am so upset that he is in denial about how his drinking was a large part of why we divorced. To this day he will not accept that... But why should he, he doesn't have a problem.....we all do. And since I don't have a law degree from a prestigious university I am beneath him and don't know what I'm talking about.... And neither does anyone else..... I am so sad for him and for me... And so so sad for his children.....
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