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Unread 04-02-2015, 09:30 AM   #51
Alexis
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Hello Sam, and thank you for joining me in my thread. First, you made me smile lots and lots, im very happy you like my poem

Second, yes i agree with all you say about my housemate, he doesnt know whats inside me head, even though he kept saying, he gets it because he went through it too...its very hard when people who obviously DONT get it, tell you they do. it sort of makes me want to scream and cry and throw things.

i just sat and smiled at him instead. Agreeing with what he was saying.

Im waiting for tuesday to arrive, with anxiety inside me and sickness in my chest. I need to focus on that day and hope it can bring me some help.

in the mean time im working hard, but looking forward to a weekend off as well, first time in a LONG time ill not be working.
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Unread 04-02-2015, 09:34 AM   #52
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Hi Alexis!

I agree completely with my friend sam b. I would look for justifications/validations from anyone/everyone which would help me justify and rationalize my drinking. Repeatedly.

I read what you wrote re: others see you as funny, on top of things, blah blah blah, but the truth is that you are DYING inside. I know EXACTLY how that feels.

I am praying for you - please continue to be honest (with yourself too!) and take this a moment, an hour, and a day at a time. We got your back! Love, Jenm
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Unread 04-02-2015, 11:20 PM   #53
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i have drank tonight like the loser i am. pathetic and weak.
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Unread 04-03-2015, 06:02 AM   #54
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Hi Alexis,

Kid? You are NOT a loser...nor are you weak...nor are you pathetic. What you are, clearly what you are is an alcoholic.

Ok.

To KNOW this, Alexis, should give you some comfort. It should comfort you because you can RECOVER from alcoholism. Seriously, it's a damn disease! Call it a condition, a problem, an "issue," call it what you will, the disease of alcoholism is NOT one that will kill you---IF you don't let it---and Alexis, you do not have to let it take anything more from you.

Yet. You cannot be simply a sideline observer in your own recovery. There is no magic. You need, as all alcoholics/addicts need, to make good choices, and it's with these choices that your recovery will really begin.

What to do? First, stop allowing people to get inside your head. Your roommate, for example. Listen to yourself; listen to you and the truth you KNOW is real. Otherwise, sheesh, it is just so damn easy to fool ourselves into thinking all kinds of bull-malarkey, such as, ah, we can drink, if it's just a little. If it's, like, Tuesday. The list is endless.

Two: reach out for help. Fighting this nightmare is nearly impossible by ourselves. Great that you're doing some of that reaching-out here! However, I believe SO strongly that every one of "us" needs face-to-face help. Handshakes to hugs.

Please join an in-person support group. There are lots of 'em, not all 12-Step based. Some are. For me, AA/NA was the Support Group I needed. But really, we DO need to be accountable to folks who truly understand what we're going through.

Also, speak to and confide in your doctor. There are medicines that can help you. Also...a one-on-one therapist can be an incredibly positive experience.

But foremost among any of these is this: love yourself. STOP calling yourself such negative names. To err is to be human. Kid? You are human, hate to tell you. Ha!

So you drank. So effin' what? Don't drink today. Simple. Right? Yeah it is simple. Just not easy. We know this, those of us who have been on your same path.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, be proud, and thankful, that you can still heal---and then begin to heal. Move forward. One step, one day at a time.

Best to you, Alexis!

sam b
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Unread 04-03-2015, 08:08 AM   #55
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Hi Alexis!

When I drank after being sober for awhile, I would call myself "pathetic and weak". Just another justification for drinking more. I would tell myself 'well, I guess I'm an alcoholic anyway, and I'm a loser, so I'll just drink anyway."

You do not have to live like this. You don't. I had to face some pretty severe consequences, more than once, to slap me in the face with reality. I pray that you do not have to do the same. Please take care, we will not judge or condemn. Last time I checked, none of us are qualified for that. Jenm
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Unread 04-03-2015, 10:43 AM   #56
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Thank you so much Sam and Jenm. i needed to read that today. I feel more than awful, i cant remember what i did, i spent money i really cant afford to spend...I feel guilt and scared.

I have slept for most of the day, to get rid of my headache. Im still exhausted and want to go back to sleep again.

I am more than thankful to be able to come hear and get advice and be understood and share some love.

x
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Unread 04-03-2015, 12:22 PM   #57
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Alexis,

Addiction is a disease of the brain. You are not pathetic, nor weak minded. You are amongst people who understand what you are going through because we have been where you find yourself today. I drank for most of my adult life so I know all about living the lie, portraying yourself as one person during the day and then drinking at night, swearing it off in the morning only to do it yet again, the cycle repeating over and over. I enjoyed the euphoria of being drunk but hated the person I had become. I swore I would never drink when my daughter was born only to drink for another 10 years. I hated myself for that.

Put your past behind you, make peace with it and learn from it. Today you are taking the necessary steps to regain control of your life. You found your way here, you are opening up about your problem to friends and are discussing your issues with alcohol with your Dr. You have a plan and that is so important!! I applaude you for taking all these steps.

Relapse is part of the journey to sobriety. Most people don't get and stay sober the first time they try. I certainly didn't. We are not here to stop you from drinking we are here to enable you on your journey to a sober life. Put the work in, make sobriety the most important goal and work towards that goal every single day.

Be kind to yourself Alexis, you deserve it. Glad to have you here!!

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 04-03-2015, 01:02 PM   #58
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Alex, Think through that next urge. You can do this. One moment at a time. You are worth it.
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Unread 04-03-2015, 01:13 PM   #59
Alexis
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All your messages are very comforting to me.

Feeling worse as the day goes on. I plan to have a hot bath and an early night.
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Unread 04-03-2015, 02:08 PM   #60
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There are tough days in the beginning. Work through it. It goes get better.

Take care,
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Unread 04-03-2015, 05:43 PM   #61
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Alexis -

It really DOES get better. Take good care of yourself today and tonight and we are here for you!! Jenm
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Unread 04-04-2015, 06:03 AM   #62
Alexis
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Slept very well last night, so good to wake up sober and with no hangover. I lay in bed for an extra 20 minutes snuggled in my covers.

Just got a cup of tea and back in bed to watch The Simpsons before getting on with my day.
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Unread 04-04-2015, 07:27 AM   #63
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those non hangover reward are the best, way to go! Alexis, you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
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Unread 04-04-2015, 08:05 AM   #64
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Quote:
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those non hangover reward are the best, way to go! Alexis, you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Thank you Lostdog, that means a lot to me x
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Unread 04-04-2015, 09:15 AM   #65
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Good job Alexis. Think through that 1st urge to drink.
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Unread 04-04-2015, 10:25 AM   #66
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Alexis,

I recall going to a New Year's Eve Party in my old neighborhood when I was sober. You can imagine the amount of drinking going on. I had no interest in drinking. When I awoke the next morning and drove by the house there were no signs of life. I wondered when they would awake and how bad their hangovers would be. Me, No drinking, no hangover and I silently smiled inside.

For alcoholics, alcohol dependent, whatever we call ourselves, our lives are so much better sober. Congrats on taking a chance on yourself. You are worth it.

Keep working it,
Saint
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Unread 04-04-2015, 12:01 PM   #67
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Saint, good on you not drinking when everyone else is, not sure i could do that!!

Had a good day so far, my football team won and my rivals lost

However as it gets later in the day (its 5pm here) my anxiety is getting pretty bad, i feel sick and restless.
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Unread 04-04-2015, 12:04 PM   #68
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Good afternoon Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

You know that feeling you described waking up sober and having a snuggle in your covers?....that is the feeling of our own well being.

There are many things that make us feel snuggled, no more when we snuggle ourselves.

I am finding, that there is a "quiet" in oneself. I wish Tryn could propagate such things, but i am entirely sure, it is within you, me, and all of us here. I am increasingly being led to believe that it is oneself. The stillness of us.

R Lee and Saint taught me that.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Alexis.
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Unread 04-04-2015, 12:45 PM   #69
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Thanks Tryn, peace and love to you also, make sure you find time to have a snuggle x
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Unread 04-04-2015, 04:47 PM   #70
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Struggling a bit tonight. A guy i sometimes 'see' is going on a date next week. We just mess around when we are drunk. nothing more.

Why am i upset? i duno i feel ill always be alone. Miserable. Ugh. could really do with a six pack right now.
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Unread 04-04-2015, 05:17 PM   #71
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Move a muscle change a thought.
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Unread 04-04-2015, 11:24 PM   #72
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When you feel yourself feeling down, have a plan for what to do! As RLee says, change your thought, read a book, move a muscle, go for a walk or do some exercises.

Alexis, when you have had enough to drink, you will look for ways to quit, not reasons to drink.

Your instinct to reach out is a good one. You may need someone that you can bodily touch and talk to there, where you live. I did. Some have quit with only the support here. We are all different.

The way that we are the same is that if you want to quit drinking, we will support you.

Keep writing. Let us know how your day/evening went. We care.
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Unread 04-05-2015, 05:57 AM   #73
Alexis
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Good morning everyone.

I didnt drink thank fully. I watched a documentary in bed which distracted me a little.

Another day...I plan to watch some football, write a list for the week ahead and do some reading.

Maybe have a short bike ride if there is time/i feel up to it.

Feeling a little delicate today, i didnt drink at all last night but i seem to have some memory loss from last night, im not sure what was real and what was in my dreams. That could be down to my mental illness though.

Ill bring it up with the therapist on tuesday just in case.
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Unread 04-05-2015, 07:28 AM   #74
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Cant cope with this anxiety. Please if anyone has help to deal with it, please share x
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Unread 04-05-2015, 07:41 AM   #75
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Hi Alexis, are you having a panic attack? Even if you're not, try and take some deep breaths and see if that helps you any. If you're having a panic attack, breathe into a paper bag.
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/u...perventilation

Does your therapist take calls on weekends or can you possibly see if you can get in tomorrow instead?

Keep letting us know how you are, ok?

Nancy
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Unread 04-05-2015, 07:51 AM   #76
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NancyB View Post
Hi Alexis, are you having a panic attack? Even if you're not, try and take some deep breaths and see if that helps you any. If you're having a panic attack, breathe into a paper bag.
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/u...perventilation

Does your therapist take calls on weekends or can you possibly see if you can get in tomorrow instead?

Keep letting us know how you are, ok?

Nancy
Not having a full blown panic attack, keep thinking im about to be sick, stomach feels like there are rabid butterflies inside, shaking....

No therapist not available at the weekend I will call early tomorrow though.

x
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Unread 04-05-2015, 08:03 AM   #77
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Good afternoon Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

Please try and follow Nancys advice if you can. If anxiety can become an overwhelming challenge for you, some help and support is very much the way to move forward. In the meantime i want you to focus on the "physical". If you are able, take 2 minutes....now......shut your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Simply allow yourself to hear and regulate your breathing. Take some sips of water and allow your mind to concentrate on the here and now. It is ok Alexis, nothing bad is going to happen. You are in control. Gently, gently breathe. Bring yourself back into this day.

Both being in Blighty, i believe you said you were in Mnachester......well now.....not a bad day weather wise here in Blighty is it? The sun is peeking out from its game of hide and seek once in a while.....much like feelings can do. They can creep up on us and suddenly we can feel dreadfully insecure, a paraody of fear seems to envolope us, and we can feel panicky.

I suffer tremendously with anxiety and i understand exactly where you are at.

Alexis, Nancy is so right, you really must pop along to your GP and have a chat about this. Perhaps take a close friend with you? I know for myself, and certainly in my experience, there are many reasons how folk find their way to relying on alcohol and drugs, i would wager ask 10, 9 will say to control their anxiety.

Alexis, you are not on your own, and you are not alone.

Millie suggested to me a couple of weeks ago that i checked out some guided mediation. Maybe this afternoon you could research online some meditation sites, techniques and whatnot, and over the coming weeks we can both share here how we are getting on, what we have learnt etc? What do you say? (May i just flag up that in no way is that a substitute for nattering with your GP), but i am sure it could help you at this time.

As 1 Blightonian to another, we are all here for you, we really can relate to your struggle today. Breathe....sips of water....a bath/shower....write to all of us here. Having read Tryn for a little while you KNOW it does not matter whether it is inside out and upside down!!!...get things off your chest, i can promise you one thing, everyone here will know exactly what you are feeling, and talking about.

Don't be frightened Alexis, breathe....you are ok.

Be gentle, be calm and be peaceful. Loveness to you Alexis.
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Unread 04-05-2015, 08:06 AM   #78
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(I do beg your pardon. 1 of my hats is a mediator....i meant meditation! Apologies)

Loveness
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Unread 04-05-2015, 08:16 AM   #79
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Tryn thankyou, your post made me cry! Not sad tears but relief i suppose. Ive never had people help or relate or understand before. To all of you here, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Tryn you will know, that here in the UK we have a number to call for less than emergencies. I called them and they said if things get worse to go to A&E but im not sure what they would be able to do, apart from me sitting there for hours waiting!

The sun is out yes, I think i will have a cup of tea and try to go into the garden and play with my cats.

Funny you mention meditation Tryn because its something ive become interested in lately. i have been reading Jack Kerouac books and he practiced Buddhism and meditation and i do think it could help. I actually bought a Buddhism book, but passed it on to my mum to help her as she is very worried about my dad. we have just learnt that the cancer has spread i hope it brings her some peace.

Thank you again, i will try to sit and breathe and keep calm. one moment at a time right? x
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Unread 04-05-2015, 01:03 PM   #80
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Some good news this afternoon, as i lay in bed this morning, anxiety had its relentless talons in my skin, i wanted to curl up and cry, get drunk to numb the feeling. Your posts helped me so much, showed me you care.

So i got up and jumped on the bus to the community garden center. I have never been before, but it is wonderful! Very quirky with lots of hidden spaces, a small pop up cafe and ample seating areas. it been a glorious day, sun shining, actually warm as well.

I sat for a while before starting to cry. One of the people working there got me a cup of tea and asked if i enjoyed gardening. I told him i do but i dont know anything about it, just what my mum gets me to help out with if im ever back home. We walked around and he told me a little about certain plants. I bought 2 pots of flowers and a large pot of rosemary. He gave me 3 bigger plastic pots i would need to repot them into (as the roots would grow too big) and some free compost.

He then asked if i would like to volunteer a couple of days a week there. I said YES! So he gave me a 20 min induction and im going on Wednesday for my first day there.

i think a couple of days a week digging, getting dirty, lifting heavy logs and learning about planting will help me distract and also get me out into the sun and fresh air.

When i got home i repotted the plants and watered them and felt pretty proud, im excited to see the flowers come out! And i can use the rosemary when cooking.

its 6pm now, just put my dinner on and im in my bedroom feeling tired. The urge to drink is coming back, especially as my neighbours are drinking in the garden (its easter sunday and i swear all the pubs were full of boozers as i went past on the bus!)
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Unread 04-05-2015, 02:14 PM   #81
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Hi Alexis!

Yes, that is good news. Involving yourself in the business of things other than the chaos inside your head is one of the key elements of healing. In doing this, you are being of service to the world, albeit, sure, one small corner of it, but in service nonetheless. Other words, you are doing some real-life, actual good for the world, such is the good news of most volunteer work.

So glad to hear this. So glad that you didn't drink last night. And the time? It passed, right? Had you used/drank, the same amount of time would have passed, but your present, your NOW, would NOT be the same. It would be less than. Lousy, in other words.

Oh man, the TIME I lost while in active addiction, just so many years.

Like a person stuck in quicksand, I was stuck in time. As long as I used/drank, I made no progress in my life. I did not move forward, ever. After a bout of using, the dope would always be gone, no matter how much I had had. And me? I just kept getting older.

All those years, such a waste.

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, it might have been." I wrote about this John Greenleaf Whittier poem in a previous post a while back. It's called, "Maud Muller," FYI.

It is, I believe, a (potential) epitaph for every alcoholic/addict. We will never be the best person we can be until we break free from the booze/dope demons that paralyze us.

Time will pass for you, Alexis. No matter what. Hang on and those damn urges and cravings will pass too.

best,

sam
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Unread 04-05-2015, 03:13 PM   #82
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Alexis, This is all new to you. Getting out of yourself by volunteering does just that. Be grateful for the nice day you had & not drinking.
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Unread 04-05-2015, 05:05 PM   #83
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Alexis, you have such a pretty name and a great life. You write beautifully too. Those urges will be less and less as your brain circuitry rewired. Drinking is not debatable it will win. Make it a " never" option.
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Unread 04-05-2015, 07:12 PM   #84
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Alexis,

Google "mindfulness meditation" and "anxiety" together. While caring for my mom, aunts, and mother-in-law, I was taking anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and drinking! The mindfulness meditation helped me get off everything except an occasional xanax. It is only for emergencies if I am out somewhere where I cannot stop, drop everything and breathe....

I agree with Lostdog. When you decide you are not going to let alcohol win, you can use your energy to begin to heal and learn new coping mechanisms. You are the one who does the rewiring and changes the mind set. It is so cool that we have a choice -- to drink or not to drink. Just keep posting, even if you're struggling...particularly if you're struggling.

Susie
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Unread 04-06-2015, 05:22 AM   #85
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Good morning everyone. Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

Woken up with very bad anxiety again. Called my doctor and cant get appointment for a week...hoping the therapist tomorrow can maybe advise something. No point going to A&E either as they cant give out prescriptions.

Written a to do list, its two pages long, with emails, essays, promotional stuff, budget sorting, venue finding....so much to do. Its overwhelming. usually i would be fine, id reward myself with beers or wine. It would in fact help me to work harder, if i was drinking.

Now im trying to stop, its all that is on my mind.

I will try to make the gym later on.

Ive been watching a lot of documentaries by Louis Theroux this week, mainly about patients in psychiatric hospitals, or prisons...its made me feel i have a very weak case of institutional syndrome. I remember being in psychiatric hospital last year and the safe feeling, no temptations of alcohol or harming myself, rules, specific time for meals and meds....i sometimes wish i was able to be sectioned again just so i have time out. Is that stupid??
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Unread 04-06-2015, 08:17 AM   #86
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Good afternoon Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

As R Lee said in his post, this is all new to you. Generally when one tries to do things for the first time they somehow need to go through a learning curve. None of us can wake up in the morning and decide to change, and by teatime it is sorted. It takes time Alexis. No one wishes it didn't more than Tryn, but it does.

Back to the issue in hand, if you ring your surgery at exactly 8am, you will be able to get an emergency appointment for that day. I grant you there is little likelyhood you will get to see your actually GP although you will see another in the same practice, and your journey and difficulties can not only be documented for future referal, but i am absolutely sure that if you can express the difficulties that you are experiencing to any GP, i am sure a short term intervention will be offered. I might add in the meantime you are doing exactly the right thing by sharing your worrys with us. It never hurts to let these things out.

Alexis it is a quite stunning day in Blighty as you will know, if you can, as well as the gym, take a walk, just for a little wander. See what is around you in the park.

It is spring days like this that make me recognise through all my worries and my woes, life is there for me to live....1 day at a time.

Re Louis Theroux?....trust me......the larger "pinch of salt" you take that with....the better.

Should you be sectioned?....should you heck!

Within you Alexis is some peace, calm and quiet. You are young, it takes time to find these things. There is nothing wrong with you Alexis. You are suffering with anxiety to proportions that need attention. It is something that you can do. There is a pathway via your GP, but ultimately, you will get there Alexis. Patience will guide you there. You WILL find your way.

Here you are reaching out for support, tomorrow you can do the same with that phone call to the GP eh?

Enjoy the sunshine, she is waiting for you.

Be peaceful, be gentle and breathe. Loveness to you Alexis
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Unread 04-06-2015, 09:53 AM   #87
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Alexis,

I wish we could all wrap you in a big hug, like a baby's blanket, that would shelter you and keep you warm. When you are feeling anxiety, try to imagine that--we are giving you a collective hug, so you can take a deep breath and relax, safe with us. Keep that image in your mind's eye. You know we care.

Susie
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Unread 04-06-2015, 12:15 PM   #88
lostdog
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As Susie says we are all hugging you now and wishing you the best with a day of peace and tranquility. I tried the breathing suggested and it does help, so I'm hoping it will help you get through this. No that you are on a path and have a wheelbarrow carrying you throug this.
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Unread 04-06-2015, 01:05 PM   #89
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I'm sorry you're having trouble, Alexis. It does sound like that volunteering will be good for you though. I do hope your therapist will have a way to help you.
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Unread 04-06-2015, 01:55 PM   #90
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Hi Alexis!

My worst anxiety was specifically when I wasn't drinking. Particularly a day or two after drinking a lot. As more days without drinking went by, I found that the anxiety subsided. That is just me, though, but as my body got back to "normal" (whatever that is ) my focus wasn't entirely on - "will I freak out if I go here, or there?" and quite possibly "am I going absolutely just crazy right now?" Those thoughts diminished.

I have been seeing a biblical counselor for a couple of weeks now and the help is amazing. My faith in Jesus and His saving grace have helped me recover and helped me to get through anything. I am not preaching - I am just saying what works for me! Also regular exercise, it is my job as I am a fitness instructor at 2 gyms. Get out of the house and just move. Walk somewhere. Look at things. Enjoy people and their smiles. You are not alone, and you also are not the only one who has ever felt like you do right now!

No matter what, it is ok. We each have our own paths and what works for us. Heed the advice/suggestions that work for you and let go of the rest. You can do this, and I am praying for you! Take care, Jenm
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Unread 04-06-2015, 03:28 PM   #91
Sam Bailey
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Hey Alexis,

Jen is right, "No matter what, it is ok."

Really, it is.

Whatever you do, Alexis, please do not stop posting. Please continue coming around here, keep reaching out. In every way.

Embarrassment, shame, guilt---all that crapola is just...crapola. It serves no positive purpose. Truth is, shame (etc.) was nearly the end of me. All it did for me was keep me loaded.

Yes, keep posting, Alexis. Keep coming around. No matter what.

best,

sam
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Unread 04-06-2015, 09:34 PM   #92
Alexis
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im embarrassed and guilty and shameful to post that im drunk. drunk . drunk
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Unread 04-06-2015, 11:52 PM   #93
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Don't be embarassed. Plan for tomorrow, when you are sober, to take stock of how drinking has made your life unmanageable. Write it down.

I'm not good at meditating, so I used that list to read every morning to remind me why I didn't want to drink. You can do that too. Try anything that sounds reasonable and see what works for you.

Susie
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Unread 04-07-2015, 08:18 AM   #94
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Hi Alexis!

We will love you until you can love yourself again. No judgment, none. These amazing people swarmed in to support me recently, and I just sat here and cried as I read the posts that so obviously came from their hearts.

Are you ready to be done feeling like this? Then it is time to change the negative thought processes into positive ones. If you have had enough of drinking, and all of the crap that comes with it, you will make it THE most important thing in your life and you will drop all pride and ask for help wherever you can get it.

Don't be embarrassed. Trust me, I have been exactly where you are at this time. The guilt, shame, and remorse kept me drinking. Before you take that next drink, seriously, THINK about where it will take you. And keep talking to us!

No matter what - this is gonna be ok. We are here! Jenm
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Unread 04-07-2015, 09:58 AM   #95
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Alexis, You have to want to stop drinking more than anything else. Think through that next urge. You are worth it.
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Unread 04-07-2015, 11:34 AM   #96
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I posted about HALT Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired on Millie's post. Alexis, sometimes the battle is hard, but we are with you all the way. Take care and a big hug to you.
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Unread 04-07-2015, 01:35 PM   #97
Alexis
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Thank you for your replies everyone. Today ive felt very tired and hungover and worn out.

Ive been to my first community alcohol therapy session. the lady was very nice and i scored a 'at dangerous risk' on the charts.

Ive got some leaflets to learn more about self help and things, been referred to a group that i can go too and got an action plan.

My aim is to stay sober for a month. i will see my therapist each week to chat about how it has been.

I feel i need a long hot bath and a long sleep. I feel delicate and weak and sad and guilty it has come to this.

But a little positive that with you guys to talk too and with the therapist, i can maybe stop drinking and make my life better.
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Unread 04-07-2015, 01:41 PM   #98
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I'm so very proud of you, Alexis.
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Unread 04-07-2015, 05:13 PM   #99
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As I told Millie:

Have a plan for what to do when you have the urge: walk, ice cream, phone call, etc.
Then, as many have said here, remember it's the first drink that gets you because we can not stop at one. Think about the consequences of that first drink every time you have the urge. If one day is too long, commit to one hour at a time!

Keep posting. We won't judge you.
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Unread 04-07-2015, 05:14 PM   #100
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Alexis, Way to go seeking help.
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