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Unread 10-11-2014, 11:12 PM   #1
R. Lee
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Default My son Rick

My youngest son Rick lives in FL & I am in MI. Rick is a heavy drinker & smokes pot every day. Rick is 44 married with 3 wonderful daughters.

Rick & I have had a tough relationship to say the least. I had to hang up on Rick a week ago because of the way he was talking to me after I pushed his buttons. My bad. I called this week & told him I was wrong in the way I talked to him.

Rick has the biggest heart of all my 5 children. On the tenth of Oct. was my mother's 95th birthday. Rick flew into Detroit from Orlando unannounced rented a car & drove 200 miles to our house surprising everyone. My jaw dropped when I saw him outside our house. I hugged him & told him how much I loved him. Rick was drunk, his sister had driven him over from her house.

Today we had dinner with 20 of us there for my mother. We agreed to meet afterword's at my brother's house. I arrived after everyone was there. The guys were sitting at the patio drinking. I sat down & Rick had his back to me after I greeted everyone. After several minutes Rick turns around shows me the paper from a joint. I said I don't want that shit. Several minutes went by & I noticed that had a joint in his hand below the counter. The smoke was blowing into my face. After a minute or so I told Rick to get that shit out of here. Rick said not my house & not my stuff. I realized my 68 year old brother has given him some pot & they were passing it around. I got up & left.

My bother is a heavy drinker & pot smoker.

This happened at six tonight. My son is driving back to Detroit at 3 A. M. to fly out at 8 A.M.

It is 11:30 P.M. I will not see my son before he leaves. My heart is broken & I fear for his lifestyle.

I did not drink tonight.

Last edited by R. Lee; 10-11-2014 at 11:27 PM..
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Unread 10-12-2014, 12:03 AM   #2
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R. Lee, Hugs to you, so sorry for the pain. I am glad you did not drink over it.

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Unread 10-12-2014, 12:30 AM   #3
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I'm sorry Lee. I can't imagine but a bit of the pain and sorrow you feel right now. I'm also glad you did not drink tonight. Perhaps your son is trying to push your button and that makes me sad. Thinking of you Lee. (((Huggss)))

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Unread 10-12-2014, 05:24 AM   #4
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Hey R. Lee,

You may recall that my son is also an alcoholic. Addict too. The heartbreak I have felt during his many years of active addiction can only be understood by other parents with damaged children.

Yet the damage, as you know, is not always permanent. Look at your life. Mine too. Fewer years OUT of active addiction than you, but still...

Today my son is working on 90 days clean 'n sober. Took his 60 day chip a week ago. Cured, right? Ha, don't we wish it were so? But he DOES have 60+ days of sobriety! That's something! And that "something" is good.

This comes after years and years of heartache. And darkness. And so many sad days and nights. As with your boy.

Now truth is, I have no illusions about ANYONE'S sobriety, certainly not my own. We all, no matter how much "time" we have, we all have just today.

That said, my son is healing...trying to heal. YOUR son can do this too. Might do it; hell, might start tomorrow.

Longwinded point, I guess, is just this: as long as our boys are alive, there is HOPE.

Still, I am sorry for the pain you feel now. It's real and it's raw and no platitude or pep talk can make you feel all better. I know.

I wish it were different for you, R. Lee. Thing is, God willing, maybe it WILL be. My point, I guess.

So Good! that you're taking care of yourself. So Good! that you didn't drink (or use) over this set-back. Good for you, friend.

Best to you, R. Lee.

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Unread 10-12-2014, 08:53 AM   #5
Tryntryagain
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R Lee, Bright blessings to you.

The first thing i want to do is to hug you. Please accept my arms of love and support.

I have learnt so very much through listening to you, and when i came to you with my problems, you would always break them down so i could accept them and keep them simple.

As you have, Rick has a choice. As you know 1 of my sons is in prison for drug offences, and i can completely understand the pain in your heart that your boy is on this path. Oddly enough, all my other five are working, albeit with their problems, yet my boy in prison has a heart the size of all of them put together. It almost makes it the more painful that their love and abilities are "locked up", whether it is incarceration of their physical liberty, or deprived of their own independence and life through use and dependency.

I do not think you should feel "bad" about pushing Ricks buttons, every situation is different for sure, but i have had to confront and push the "leave me alone buttons", it's my job. I feel if i do it with awareness and for good intentions, to prevent harm to body, mind and soul, i do it. Just because i do does not mean i can expect a good reception. It rarely has been, and has left me feeling helpless and hopeless for them. It may feel that way, but it is not the case. 1 thing i would say R Lee is that in my own life, indeed even with yourself, i have "heard things you have been sharing with me", a week later, a month later, even a year later. There have been times when i did not want to listen. When i did not want to listen, "i can do it all on my own and my own way", even loving support and gentle advice seemed such a massive threat to me. I had to overcome that so that i could actually "listen and learn". I am so sure that Rick heard what you said, he isn't listening yet. I am 48. I learnt an awful, awful lot between 44 and 48.

When you said your 68 year old Brother had given him some pot, i'm afraid i can find neither sympathy or empathy for that within me. I feel very sad and disappointed for you R Lee.

I share you fear of your boys lifestyle. No one will ever understand how incredibly relieved i was when my son was caught and went to prison. I thought he had a better chance of staying alive in there, than out on his own. Before he was, he was unapproachable. "Big tough guy", knew everyone, everyone knew him. Big reputation and no aspiration other than selfish needs. Then those needs overtook him and took my boy away. I tried every single thing. I could not have prevented his course. Now, having hit his rock bottom, we are closer than ever, even though he is in such a tough place, he is no longer a "big man", he's my boy.

It can turn around R Lee and all my spiritual energy is yours for that to happen. He is young, 44 is no age. He can learn quickly. There will be many a time in the future when he will want his Dad. When he does, just be there. For now that is the way forward. I also "shadowed" my kids when the need has arisen. I would find out the talk on the street, what contact with others etc. Sure i took what i heard from individuals with a pinch of salt, but i would always have an "overview" of what was going on, for my own sanity if nothing else.

I also want to thank you. That was one ****ed up day. The family here, and yourself more than anyone else have told me that like it or lump it, to sustain sobriety, and therefore being of vlaue to all those in your life, sobriety has to be top spot. In blighty the advice is that if you are in a compromising situation, wherever you are, "get the **** outta there!"

The fact you did not drink shows me that everything that you share with me/us, works. You never told me it would be easy, but you said if i thought through the first drink and accepted that drink makes my life ****ed up, i would be able to manage. Today i have and i am.

R Lee you give the gift of life and learning every single day. I understand so much how your heart must be so heavy. We are all here for you to support you to be there for yourself.

There are very good reasons you are an extraordinary man, and some of that hurts an awful lot.

Keep strong my dear friend.

Hugs and Loveness to you R Lee
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Unread 10-12-2014, 03:13 PM   #6
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R.Lee it broke my heart to read about what is happening with your son. I can't imagine what you are going through. You are in my thoughts today.


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Unread 10-12-2014, 06:04 PM   #7
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R. Lee you have a right to demand no smoking. You have to say what you mean or no one knows. Your brother sure doesn't help your son much and could be told too.
I'm always telling my son to watch his drinking and abstain a while, he goes out a lot with business associate and just graduated college,etc.
I'm glad you didn't drink. You may feel guilt from the past, but now you can stay sober and say how you feel, it is ok. You are a nice person.
Sam, I wish you the best with your son also. My sons, have other issues I deal with and so I know your heartaches with words.
Thinking and not the best with writing, but with you all the way....
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Unread 10-12-2014, 08:22 PM   #8
R. Lee
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Thank you all for your heart felt responses to my sons alcohol & drug problems. I carry no guilt about how he was influenced by my alcoholism. All I & we can do is pray for him & offer suggestions if he asks for help.

I felt such relief just to post my sons problem.
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Unread 10-13-2014, 08:02 AM   #9
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The very best thing I read, R Lee, is that you did not drink over it. No matter what anyone else does, including our own family members, we do not have to drink over it.

It reminded me of my childish behavior in my drinking days. I would drink "at" someone. Kind of like "I'll show you!" and then I would drink "at" that person. The person I was actually harming and drinking "at" was myself. Your son's behavior reminds me of the way mine used to be. I am very grateful for you and your sobriety and your words of advice. And I am grateful for my sobriety. Praying for you! Jenm
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Unread 10-13-2014, 01:28 PM   #10
R. Lee
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jenm, I like that phrase he was drinking at me. It makes sense.
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Unread 10-14-2014, 03:48 PM   #11
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R Lee,

I struggle with my part in modeling drinking for my son and daughter. I agonize, especially for my son. On the other hand, I remind myself that no one could MAKE me stop smoking and stop drinking. All I can do now is model non-drinking behavior.

You KNOW how much you have supported all of us here and others in your life. When he reaches the point where he is receptive, I know you will be there for him.

Love, Susie
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Unread 12-07-2014, 01:05 PM   #12
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RLee,

I just returned from visiting my daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren in Alabama.

Both grandchildren are straight-A students and Olympic Development Soccer players (13 and 16).

My son-in-law sits with his beer and pontificates and tells his kids what is wrong with them and how to succeed in life and school. He flunked out of college, then went back and made C's and brags about cheating when he could.

They want us to play board games (Monopoly, Scrabble, Yahtzee, etc.), and we love to play with them. He cheats to win, humiliates his children, our daughter, and us! Sometimes my husband and I can't resist responding.

I love my daughter so much, but she defends him. She is the CFO of a company that cleans up after hurricanes, etc. and is a CPA, but he degrades her, so she thinks he has the right to lord it over all of them.

Then we come home and our son is drinking and doesn't even realize that his dad is offended by the "F" word. I taught high school for years, so I'm not shocked by the word, but my husband considers it disrespectful to us and unprofessional of him.

Have you seen your son since you started this thread? How are you dealing with your relationship with him?

I am really struggling with the fact that I cannot change my children, only myself.

Susie
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Unread 12-07-2014, 08:46 PM   #13
R. Lee
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Susie, Your son in law sounds like me when I drank. It is tough to be around.

I have talked with Rick several times. He calls like nothing happened. I said to him Rick we are talking in general & it is like there is a elephant in the room. I asked if he remembered what happened at Ron's house? He remembered smoking marijuana in front of me but did not remember rolling up the paper in ball & trying to give it to me. We both talked & wished it had gone better.

I got of the phone dumbfounded then I realized he is acting like I did when I drank. WOW I figured out in no time why my son & brother do what they do. They act like this mostly when they are intoxicated. Until they chose to sober up I can expect this kind of behavior.

I have no plans to go & see Rick as long as he continues to drink & smoke. My sobriety has to come 1st. I can not enable him by going to see him as long as he behaves like this. As long as he drinks & smokes he will behave this way. Rick has three daughter our granddaughters 9,5,& 2 & a daughter in law who is also a C.P.A.

Last edited by R. Lee; 12-07-2014 at 08:49 PM..
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Unread 12-08-2014, 10:34 AM   #14
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Thank you so much, RLee, for sharing the troubles in your family. It helps me to know that I am not the only one dealing with family issues.

My daughter is smart and strong. I have hope that she will get through this. I cannot tell her what to do with her marriage. My husband and I are discussing not going back to visit, but it would be so painful not to see her and the children.

My son drinks a couple of shots before he comes here to dinner, so he can avoid drinking around me. When it hits him, he falls asleep (passes out?) at the table for an hour or so. He tells the same story 4 or 5 times; my husband says that's what I did when I was drinking. I'm thinking about setting some rules, limits, boundaries, for him to come here. I'm afraid that he will stop coming if I do.

I know the Serenity Prayer. I know I have no control over anyone but myself, but I hate for alcoholism to be my legacy to my children.

Again, thanks for sharing your pain. It helps to ease mine. I know it helps others, too.

Love, Susan.
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Unread 12-08-2014, 11:51 AM   #15
R. Lee
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Susie, Alcoholism is passed down from one generation to another. No doubt Rick's mother & my genes have been passed down. I will not blame myself for the genes I passed to my kids.
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Unread 12-10-2014, 08:10 AM   #16
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thanks so much for stating that, R.Lee it helps us so much.
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Unread 12-21-2014, 07:18 PM   #17
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How are u doing R. Lee? Hope you have a nice holiday.
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Unread 12-22-2014, 09:46 AM   #18
R. Lee
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Thank you lostdog. I'm doing as good as can be. Hope you &everyone has a Happy Christmas.
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Unread 12-22-2014, 10:48 AM   #19
gmasusie
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RLee,

Your comments about genes and guilt have been so helpful to me. Since I quit drinking, my son comes around less often. I have told him that I respect the fact that he comes when he is not drinking, but I know he feels uncomfortable. I have to bite my tongue to keep from asking him why he can't learn from my years of struggling with alcohol, but I know we each have to walk our own paths.

I know that the holiday will be tough for you considering Rick and your brother's drinking and smoking, but I agree with you. After my experience at a holiday party, I know I have to be careful with my fragile sobriety. You inspire me to remember that my sobriety comes first. I will try to quit blaming myself for my son's drinking and hope that my sobriety will be an example for him. I am working hard at not passing judgment on him.

Your willingness to share your experience with your son has been an inspiration to me. The true advantage to our "family" here over meetings is the ability to share in depth and over time and learn so much about and from each other.

I will raise my glass of virgin egg nog in your honor and be thinking of you.

Thank you for your wisdom.

Love, Susie
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Unread 12-22-2014, 05:08 PM   #20
R. Lee
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Thanks. Rick calls all the time & we talk as long as he is not drunk. He called yesterday.
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Unread 12-22-2014, 06:20 PM   #21
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Great. Have a good holiday.

Susie
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