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Unread 07-02-2014, 12:04 PM   #1
Sestra
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Default An entire family of addicts

I apologize for this LONG post, but I'm brand new, & I had to share. Hoping to get support & discuss things with others who know what I'm going through.

It took me ages to find a support group forum that actually works. It was hard getting this all down into intelligible words, as my story is not easy to tell or hear, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to hear me. Truly, I am grateful for your compassion and time.

Not sure where to start, but I grew up with pretty much an entire family of addicts. My mother drinks and my sister, whom I was very close to also became horribly addicted to prescribed painkillers, and other meds. (My dad was also a BAD drinker, at one point he was taking something like speed or meth, and eventually switched to opiates. He apparently got clean a couple of years ago, but I have a feeling he either drinks instead now, or still takes some form of medication, but we no longer talk. (This doesn't include the many other relatives in my family who are also drug addicts &/or drinkers)

I myself, am a recovered addict. I used to be hooked on painkillers and muscle relaxers from age 16 until I was about 25. I've been clean for over 3 years now, and NEVER going back. I'm happy to say that I've completely turned my life around. I went to a treatment center (I was there for about 6 days) and stuck to my guns and stayed away from addictive medication from there on out. Recently lost 28 pounds & became healthy & active, & even got my GED.

Now being in a healthy lifestyle for the first time in my life, I seem to suffer post-traumatic stress disorder, and I have anxiety. My life before drugs was very traumatizing, as there was mental, physical and at one point sexual abuse. I no longer speak to the addicted members of my family. Basically, I've cut off all communication with pretty much everyone. My life during the drugs was foggy, and I seemed to have slept most of those years, but still remember the worst days, the fights, the violence, so many other incidents, but they seem distant and blurred now, but I have vivid nightmares about them from time to time.

It's just me & my fiancé now. I'm so grateful to have him in my life.

But since I've been clean, I tried to limit communication with my mother & sister, because they would continue their addict behaviors & it became unbearable. But I was always extremely close to my sister, we basically raised each other, we were either abused &/or neglected a huge chunk of our lives. My mom's drinking really messed us up, and my dad's violent behavior made our lives unbearable.

But I still love these people so much, even though they were horrible. I seem to cling to the small fragments of memories of them that were happy as if they were dead. Every few months I cry so hard because I miss my sister so much, I miss my mom & dad. But they're so selfish & completely embraced their addictions & want nothing to do with me, but will tell themselves & each other that it is I who want nothing to do with them. I used to cry every day, then eventually every week, it stretched to every other week, month, and now it's about every 2 months or so. My fiancé said I've definitely made progress.

Anyway, it's impossible having to deal with some of these issues alone. My sister had a baby about 2 years ago, WHILE taking pills, so the baby was an addict at birth. I refused to see him, or be there at the birth. I knew it would be too hard to watch him suffer, and see him be so sick. That was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

At one point my dad visited and brought her baby so I could see him. He's beautiful & I don't hate or resent HIM, but it's SO painful to look at him. I cried & realized I can't see him. Not only does he look EXACTLY like my sister when she was a baby, & I miss her so much, but I also know that the only reason he exists, is that she got pregnant on purpose so that her boyfriend would stick around. (She revealed to me that she was trying to get pregnant, even going as far as puncturing condoms so they'd have a baby together so he wouldn't leave her.)

I can't watch him grow up, or fall in love with him, knowing that his mom, my sister & my former soulmate will most likely mess him up the way our parents messed us up. Making us afraid of life. I also know that my sister being manipulative & abusive, wouldn't hesitate to use her child as a weapon against me if I displeased her (which happened constantly, because she has bi polar disorder, like both our parents, & has an explosive violent nature) she would threaten to take him away & I'd never see him again. I couldn't allow her to even have the opportunity to do that.

I wrote her a letter a few months back asking her to stop sending me photos of her kid, and that I need time. She was very angry. But that's how it's been forever. She'll write me a happy letter, a short time after, a rage-infused letter about how I abandoned the family and that I'm selfish & that I'll never understand, etc. So I've cut ties at this point. And it's been extremely hard. The last bit of contact involved an investigator calling me shortly after my birthday, trying to interrogate me over the phone, & said she was told by someone who wanted to remain anonymous (my sister) that I was on food stamps but refused to find work (among other ridiculous accusations) my sister called a few days before my birthday hoping I'd get the call ON my birthday, as payback for the letter I wrote her. The investigator was at first bullying me on the phone, but I explained how I know this person, my sister, & that it was completely unnecessary to call.

So that was the last event regarding my family. So far. I know there's bound to be another disastrous event coming one of these days. As that's the pattern with my family, they are not just addicted to drugs & alcohol but addicted to drama. They find ways to purposefully put themselves in jeopardy & horrible peril & demand sympathy from anyone who will provide them with money or something.

But I've changed my phone number. I've done everything I could to protect myself. But the one thing I can't do is heal the pain that I still suffer about these people.

To summarize my family--You might be wondering; how can you be soulmates with this horrible person? (sister) Well, she also was all I had. All I knew, & regardless of how bad she treated me, she was my best friend. My mom too. But my sister & I were the closest. We used to be inseparable, & survived hell together. But the drugs changed her so much, she became...basically, a monster. My mom is Jekyll & Hyde, half the time the sweetest person you'll ever meet, the other half, a scary, hateful, abusive manipulator & probably the most self-hating person I've ever known. She too had alcoholic parents who abused her horribly, she became a drinker from age 13 to now, she'll be 68 this year. My dad in my EARLIEST years, was a great dad. Over time, he became an adulterer, he bullied & beat his women & children, & always thought violence & fear was the key to getting what you want. In reality, he's the biggest coward I've ever known. Terrified of being alone, but also prevents everyone from staying. He mostly beat my sister. Until she moved out, then I was next. And to him, money is God, & constantly reminded me how I cost him something, & that I was good-for-nothing, so I still to this day feel guilty for being alive & needing food, or anything that normal people have to buy to live, & I have a severe phobia of spending money as a result. I'm working on that. I'm nearly 30, & I still don't drive. My whole family were aggressive drivers, sometimes they drank while they drove, gotten several DUIs & got arrested, & it caused me to be afraid to drive. I get the behind the wheel & I can't stop shaking. (My dad tried to teach me to drive once, & he'd scream & yell the whole time, so I'd be too petrified to push the gas)

In person I come across as a bubbly, funny & intelligent person with a big heart & very sociable. In reality, sometimes I feel so messed up. So incredible damaged & I still hear the hurtful abusive things my parents & sister used to say to me in my head. I tend to bottle it up & try to find ways to ignore it. But it eats away inside me. It helps to get it out.

My fiancé never raises his voice, never gets mad at me for anything. But I'm constantly asking him "Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?" I still can't shop at the grocery store or go to Wal-Mart to buy socks or underwear without asking "Are you sure? Is that too much?" always assuming he's angry. (My sister & dad would go as far to get their point across, being angry having to support me, that they'd abandon me in the store, having to find the car or call on a payphone, asking them to pick me up & please take me home, & that I'm sorry--for putting the expensive brand tampons in the basket. God, what is WRONG with these people.)


I'm so used to the passive-aggressive behavior & manipulative mind-games that my family liked to play. Making you guess what you did that angered them. They had to find ways to vent their frustrations, & I was an easy target. I was labeled as the weak daughter, they knew I didn't like to fight. They enjoyed making you cry, they enjoyed making others hurt. I learned over the years that they were probably sociopaths. So the fact that I MISS these people makes me feel sick. Like I'm messed up.


I hear my sister's voice in my head sometimes. I imagine having conversations with her (we were like twins, she's 3 years older) I'd think in my head "what would she think? Would this make her proud? Does she think about me, does she miss me as much as I miss her?" (Which I don't doubt, because we always needed each other to survive, but she's not the loving guardian angel I used to think she was. It's more like a pipe-dream version of her that I invented. Same with my parents.

I miss my mom's sweet voice, her hugs, her cooking, & her personality when she's sober. I miss my sister's laugh, her sense of humor, the music we used to listen to in the car while we'd go on a drive to get away from it all, or watching our favorite movies together to take our minds off our current lives. I miss my dad's voice & funny personality when he was in a good mood. He was fun, & playful back in the day. We used to fish together.

But I don't miss the fighting, the horrible hateful things they say, the yelling, the breaking of glass, slamming doors, getting evicted over & over & over, switching from school to school, getting hit, sometimes strangled, getting ice water dumped on me in bed, being made fun of...all these things I can't change. I can't change who these people were, & who they are now.


They're not as violent anymore, but still verbally & mentally abusive. My dad's violent nature has really faded over time. He no longer even raises his voice to me anymore. He knows that I'm a grown woman & have the ability to defend myself, & WILL, so he never acted threatening again--at one point I gave him an ultimatum, that if he ever did again, I'd divorce him as my father forever. He eventually agreed & stopped.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel for them at all. It would be so much easier.


Why do I miss my sister so much?

It's like if I can't see her get sober someday like me, & be happy, I can't truly be happy either, as if my life partially belongs to her. This probably sounds crazy.

I appreciate people lending me an ear. I can't discuss these things with most people, I am unable to see a psychiatrist (budget & lack of insurance) but I thought maybe joining a support group would be therapeutic enough. I feel dirty that I miss these people, but they're my family, & for most of my life, they were all I knew.
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Unread 07-03-2014, 09:19 PM   #2
R. Lee
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Sestra, Welcome to this ite. You are in the right place.

I speak as a recovering alcoholic who drank for 42 years. I roared through family friends & everyone who got in my way. Life was all about me. I was divorced 3 times, fired from my job only to get it back through arbitration. I was a liar cheat & a thief. I was mentally abusive to my oldest son who is now 46. I lived in MI while 3 children from my 1st wife lived in CA. I paid my child support on time. To me that was being a good father. Come to find out that my 45 year old daughter was abused sexually by a stepfather for several years when she was around 10. She did not tell anyone about it until she was in her 30s. I was not part of her life to protect her from this kind of abuse.

I tried to stop drinking in 1982 when I was fired. 1984 to get back with my 1st wife that lived in CA. She was in recovery. Both these times I did not drink for 7 months only to go back when I got my job back my X wife & children. I started drinking again in 1984 & continued to drink for 20 more years. Meanwhile I worked 2 jobs & completed 9 marathons. In 2004 I had by pass surgery. I quit drinking for 4 months. I started drinking again after gaining my health back. I drank for 7 more weeks before I realized I could no longer live like that. You can see my pattern. I was never grateful for anything. Life was all about my wants. I was a miserable man hating to look at myself in the mirror.

I needed a support group of other recovering alcoholics to get sober & remain sober since 2004.

Your sobriety is the most important thing in your life. If you are not sober you will end up just like the rest of your family. I know you know that. You have done the right thing to cut off family ties as hard as it is.

You are still mourning the loss of your soul mate your sister. Time can always heal that. You have proved that because you do not cry about her as often like before.

You are an amazing person. A sober person who is lucky enough to have a man in your life who supports you & is willing to help you through your P.T.S.D.

Never give up on your love ones getting the gift of sobriety that we have, BUT they have to want it for themselves. We can not get anyone sober.

I have been able to forgive myself as I work on my sobriety everyday. My character defects have been a work in progress. It is not easy to change how we think & act after living the way I did until I was almost 61.

There are support groups like Al Anonn for the family of alcoholics. You have taken a big step coming in here to share your experience strength & hope.

Keep coming back. My best to you. R. Lee

Last edited by R. Lee; 07-03-2014 at 09:26 PM..
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Unread 07-04-2014, 10:23 AM   #3
Sestra
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R Lee, your story really touched me. I'm amazed how honest you were, that took a lot of courage. I really appreciate your kind words, and support. And you couldn't be more right. My family may never want to seek a life of sobriety and really mean to change, and it's very hard to accept.

I'm starting to feel better already, knowing that there are people that suffer the same as I do, and that I'm not alone. Thank you so much.
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Unread 07-04-2014, 04:01 PM   #4
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Sestra, Thank you. Honesty is so important in sobriety. We may fool others but deep inside we know the real truth. I try not to sugar coat anything.

I feel good about your sobriety. Keep it up.
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Unread 07-06-2014, 10:03 PM   #5
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Hi Sestra!

I have a family member who has roared through our lives. Our family has been torn apart. I feel alone too. Despite the fact that my brother almost died as a result of cirrhosis of the liver caused by alcohol, he chose to start drinking again one year after his life saving transplant. I do not talk with him, the last I knew he was still drinking. He doesn't work and he sits in his apartment all day and drinks. it is very, very sad. I know the pain that I have caused as a result of my addictions,and I have done my very best to make amends or to make living amends for my destruction. I try to do the best I can today and be a loving and caring child of God. I used to be so sad and angry for the loss of relationships in my family. Sometimes I still am. However, I cannot participate in unhealthy relationships or with people I love refusing to get sober or admit defeat with an addiction. I just can't "make" anyone change. I am only able to continue to love them and pray for them. You are in the right place, feel free to share anytime! Jenm
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Unread 08-28-2014, 03:45 AM   #6
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I could have written your post. My life is so much likes yours that it's scary. My sister is 2 years older than me. Like you, we were super close because she filled the role of mother and sister for me. I would not have survived my childhood without her. She protected me, took beatings for me etc. I've never lived more than 10 min from her. We were pregnant at the same time and gave birth a month apart. At age 30 she started to drink as a way to cope with a break up and she never stopped. We started to grow apart because of it. She used her kids to manipulate me to get money from me. I tried everything I could to get her help. She died October 6, 2011 from liver failure. She was only 38. She literally drank herself to death and it only took 8 years. She was sober for 5 months when she died. Just one month short of being eligible to be put on the liver transplant list. I am so thankful to spend those 5 sober months by her side and so grateful that I got to be by her side as she took her last breath. I miss her so much!!! I totally understand where you are coming from and feel your pain. If you need to talk, I'm here.
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Unread 08-29-2014, 10:37 AM   #7
Sestra
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saved by sub View Post
I could have written your post. My life is so much likes yours that it's scary. My sister is 2 years older than me. Like you, we were super close because she filled the role of mother and sister for me. I would not have survived my childhood without her. She protected me, took beatings for me etc. I've never lived more than 10 min from her. We were pregnant at the same time and gave birth a month apart. At age 30 she started to drink as a way to cope with a break up and she never stopped. We started to grow apart because of it. She used her kids to manipulate me to get money from me. I tried everything I could to get her help. She died October 6, 2011 from liver failure. She was only 38. She literally drank herself to death and it only took 8 years. She was sober for 5 months when she died. Just one month short of being eligible to be put on the liver transplant list. I am so thankful to spend those 5 sober months by her side and so grateful that I got to be by her side as she took her last breath. I miss her so much!!! I totally understand where you are coming from and feel your pain. If you need to talk, I'm here.
Thank you so much for your response. I was beginning to think no one else would read it. But....my god, I'm so sorry about your sister. That's one of the most tragic things I've ever heard, & it broke my heart. I'm so afraid that I may also lose my sister in some way like that. She's only 30 this year. I recently saw my dad & we actually had a nice visit. My grandma (his mom) died a couple of months ago, & I think he's trying to make up for the time he missed with me, which is surprising. He's doing really well. However, I think he knew that I didn't want to talk about my sister. But he only briefly said that "She's doing really well.." But I never know what to believe. She's deceived everyone so many times, she's one of the most gifted liars I've ever known. I saw a photo of her in his guest bedroom. (Sigh) She still looks so dangerously underweight, with a greyish hue to her skin. I was hoping after the baby she'd get some weight on her, & somehow become healthier, maybe. But those f-ing pills...Probably like you, I love her so damn much, but I don't see how I could ever trust her again. I just don't see how.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you as well, that I'd be more than happy to lend you an ear too. Anyone that can relate to my situation, we can discuss or talk about anything that's still hurts us inside. My heart goes out to you, & I wanted to give you my most humble thanks, & I really hope that you're ok.
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Unread 09-01-2014, 01:56 AM   #8
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Sestra, thank you!! It's so hard to let go, isn't? It's crazy how fast drugs and alcohol can change someone so much. Is she your only sibling? I have a younger sister that's 2 years younger (37) who has started drinking to deal with her guilt over not being there for our older sister when she was alive. I come from a family of alcoholics. I don't drink and have no desire to. Pain pills is how I numbed my pain but I've been off them for about 8 years.

You are stronger than I ever was and I went through 10 years of therapy. I was never able to detach from my family the way you did. I enabled my sister and let her take advantage of me because she knew She was my weakness and that I would never let her kids go without. Like you, I have an amazing, supportive husband who is the only stable and healthy relationship I've ever had. Has your sister ever made any attempts to get better? That's great that you had a good visit with your dad! Me too. He just left 2 days ago. I was telling my therapist how good it feels to have taken my power back from him. I use to fear him and it made physically sick to be around him. Then it clicked... I'm an adult and he can't hurt me anymore! So aside from the fact that he drank non stop, we had a good visit. How close are your dad and and sister? Are you older than her? How long has it been since you've spoken to her?

It's been almost 3 years since my sister passed.. It took me by surprise at how much of my identity was wrapped up in her. I dream about her a lot. I knew she was going to die before I even found out she was sick. No one would believe me. They said I was being dramatic.
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Unread 09-03-2014, 11:20 AM   #9
Sestra
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saved by sub View Post
Sestra, thank you!! It's so hard to let go, isn't? It's crazy how fast drugs and alcohol can change someone so much. Is she your only sibling? I have a younger sister that's 2 years younger (37) who has started drinking to deal with her guilt over not being there for our older sister when she was alive. I come from a family of alcoholics. I don't drink and have no desire to. Pain pills is how I numbed my pain but I've been off them for about 8 years.

You are stronger than I ever was and I went through 10 years of therapy. I was never able to detach from my family the way you did. I enabled my sister and let her take advantage of me because she knew She was my weakness and that I would never let her kids go without. Like you, I have an amazing, supportive husband who is the only stable and healthy relationship I've ever had. Has your sister ever made any attempts to get better? That's great that you had a good visit with your dad! Me too. He just left 2 days ago. I was telling my therapist how good it feels to have taken my power back from him. I use to fear him and it made physically sick to be around him. Then it clicked... I'm an adult and he can't hurt me anymore! So aside from the fact that he drank non stop, we had a good visit. How close are your dad and and sister? Are you older than her? How long has it been since you've spoken to her?

It's been almost 3 years since my sister passed.. It took me by surprise at how much of my identity was wrapped up in her. I dream about her a lot. I knew she was going to die before I even found out she was sick. No one would believe me. They said I was being dramatic.
I have another half-sister who's 44 now. She was nice to me as a kid, & growing up, (the few times she was around, cuz she lived far away) but we're kind of strangers. And to my understanding, she has had addiction problems most of her life too. She was sort of raised by my dad in her early years, who treated her very differently. (Her own dad was wealthy & she lived a pretty privileged life, but according to my mom, he was extremely abusive, at least to my mom. I never met the guy. My mom was married 4 times)

I remember once when I was in my late teens I started talking to her on the phone, & I confided in her about what my dad was like. She refused to believe that my dad (who was VERY nice to her all of her life) would ever hit me or mom, or anyone. So of course I still love my half-sister, but we're not that close. She barely knows me at this point. Same goes for my half-brother. He's past 50. His story...is really bad. I feel like I don't have a brother anymore anyway.

As a baby, he was really sweet, & much older than me, about 23 years. (My mom was past 40 when she had me, I was her last child, & my brother was her 1st, she had him at 16) So anyway, my brother wasn't around most of my life, but his life growing up was really hard. He was into drugs & alcohol too. I never saw him again until I was about 17. So a good 12 years of never seeing him, but when he came to visit once, it was kind of shocking. He was like a bum. He stank, most of his teeth were missing, & he was so thin & gaunt. I knew he was still using. A violent incident happened, & my mom banished him.

A few years later, he visits AGAIN, this time with a baby. (This isn't pleasant) he impregnated an underage girl-- a girl younger than ME (also a methhead) they basically had a crack-baby together. Of course they're relationship was going down the sh**ter, but yet another incident happened, he tried to go back to her, they fought, & he took the baby away, cops were called cuz he had the baby in his truck with him, AND a gun. I remember we all sat next to the phone, waiting for the call to see if someone died. (He was out of town when this was happening, it was so sudden, but we called the cops, & they eventually called us back saying he was arrested) From then on, I knew I didn't have a brother. I feel bad for the baby though, but it wasn't our problem. (As cold as that sounds) If I remember right, the baby ended up with a grandparent.

Amazingly, when I visited with my dad recently, I couldn't believe this...my dad heard about my brother--the girl my brother had a baby with was apparently murdered by another guy she was having an affair with, & then this man killed himself. My brother has the baby now, & I have no idea what's to become of either of them. But I can only pray he's OFF drugs. This vicious cycle continues.

I also know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling so scared of your dad that you feel physically ill. My dad had that exact same effect on me. I'd get so sick to my stomach. I still have a bad habit of getting nervous when the car pulls up. (My HUSBAND'S car pulling up, it's ridiculous) My heart used to stop, I'd check the windows, & see if my dad was either drinking or looked high, & braise myself. Some days he would come home & the moment the door opened, the abuse began. If he had a bad day, that means I'm going to pay for it. I still constantly ask my husband: Are you ok? Are you mad? Are you mad? Did I do something wrong?

I'm sorry these details are shocking, but this is regarding my siblings. But in reality, it's more like my sister is my only real sibling, even though we no longer speak. She's 3 years older, she's 30. We haven't spoken in about 3 years, & barely spoke for the past 5 years prior to that. She has told me over & over that she's clean, but when I later saw her, I knew she wasn't. I either saw her pop a pill, or she showed ALL the signs that she was high. But the last time I saw her, I can't really tell anymore. But it's not just the drugs, it's the behavior, the lying, and the abuse. She manipulates people into giving her things she wants, and she's extremely short-tempered and mean. It's so sad, because I know what made her this way. But instead of trying to resolve it, she embraces her past as an excuse to treat others any way she sees fit. She's not a monster, but she can be. My mom's the same way. I worry that my sister might see the same fate as yours, but no matter what, I don't know how I can ever trust her. I always get hurt.

But I'm still hurting. I dream about her all the time too. I dreamt about her the other day. I was in a clinic of some kind, she was alone, I assumed something happened to her baby, or her & her boyfriend broke up, she was so thin & sickly-looking. I said her name aloud, & she turned to me in tears. I held her closely, she was so frail and small. I remember how little she was, in my arms, just this skinny little thing, half my size. I just held her & cried so hard, & woke up crying, hugging myself.

I really wish things could be different between us. But she would have to really get help. Professional help, and REAL rehab. (You know, the kind where you check into it for 30 days or more--the REAL deal) She went to the same clinic I did, but relapsed 6 days later, about 4 or 5 times she would go to some clinic, get off everything, only to steal pills a few days later, or meet someone & buy drugs. The addiction was too strong, I guess. I feel like I not only lost her this way, but...she's lost. In the head. She's not the person I thought she was. Whatever fragment of my loving sister I thought might still be there has been replaced by this person that I simply don't know anymore. She's hateful, hurtful, she steals, she lies, she uses people, & abuses herself. I can only hope her child doesn't suffer through what we ourselves suffer through.

Thank you so much for listening. I'll be here for you too.
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