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Unread 01-26-2014, 04:50 AM   #1
Intime
Junior Member
 
Posts: 2
Unhappy SO ANGRY

Hi,
I am a 40 year old woman, who is feeling so much anger toward my brother.
He lives with my parents, has no job and has not for over 10 years. (and claims he cannot work because of his back, yet goes on camping trips, vacations, etc, all of which my dad pays for). He also drinks (I am not sure how much, he hides the beer cans). He does some jobs around the house very seldomly and skims money off my dad for the beer(Dad does not ask for receipts). My adult sister also lives in the home (she works and pays bills) and everyone is fighting all of the time. My dad yells at my brother to get a job and move out, but never follows through. My brother is in complete denial about his alcohol problem, and is given everything, therefore will not seek treatment. My sister and I try to explain this and my dad threatens to kick him out , but always backs down.
My brother is very mean to the entire family, except for my mom and he plays her and she ALWAYS will defend him.
I have told them I am going to stop visiting and have on some ocassions, but dad and brother say I am "too sensitive"

Can I get an outsiders view on this?

THANKS!!
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Unread 01-26-2014, 11:59 AM   #2
hockeygirl
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Outsiders view: I can relate, that is my first view. I am happy you wrote this here, even though I am very new to this site, I have read a lot of the posts and I know for sure you and I are not alone.

My Mother, Stepfather, Grandmother, and Brother (who has a 4 year old daughter now) all lived in the same house... my Brother has finally moved out and taken a bit of control of his life. (? or found a 'sugar momma' - not really sure but he is working steadily now)

A while back, I was visiting this household and my Brother left my niece there with us (she was 3) while he went out on a 'match.com' date. He brought this date home (he had never met this girl before) and she spent the night in the same room that he and his daughter sleep in. I was SO ANGRY that I wrote a letter to my whole family, sent one to each member, about everything that had been happenning over the years and all of my opinions. Including my Mother's drinking and enabling, and my brother's using and abusing. They didn't speak to me for a few weeks... My Brother didn't speak to me for 6 months! The only way I got to keep in touch with my niece and make sure everything was OK was through my niece's mother. My brother speaks to me now, but we have never discussed the subjects in that letter.

It seems to me that everytime I try to bring up problems/help for my family members I, too, get the 3rd degree or downtalked.

The issues keep changing, but the alcohol stays the same.

In my opinion, people have to want to change things, they have to want to help themselves. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this situation... I wish brighter days for you, your family and your brother.
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Unread 01-26-2014, 05:46 PM   #3
R. Lee
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Intime, You can see through your brother's B.S. Good for you.
Your parents by enabling him are helping him down to the road to killing himself with his alcoholic drinking.
Only your brother can help himself.
You have choices on how close you want to be around this behavior.
Good luck on your choices.
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Unread 01-26-2014, 10:06 PM   #4
jenm
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Hi Intime!

I can absolutely relate. I am the exact same age as you and I have a brother who acts like a 45 year old toddler. You can read more about my story under the post "Brother's Drinking" but it is basically this: He drank and his liver stopped working. He attended treatment, quit drinking for 2 years, got a liver transplant, made it about a year, and drank again. Quit because of a drunk driving arrest (his first arrest in his life) and stayed dry for about 9 months - started drinking again in November of 2013 and has not stopped. With his new liver that a family, who lost a loved one, was gracious enough to give.

My dad died 5 years ago this month. My brother missed his funeral as a direct result of his drinking. Despite treatment prior to his liver transplant, I have seen little to no change in his behavior. My mom is very supportive of all of us kids, but we do not see eye to eye on my brother's situation. I am more than happy to help him, give him a ride, whatever - if he is truly working towards recovery and sobriety. I will NOT enable him nor will I constantly come to his rescue. In recovery myself, I have acted exactly like this and I'm grateful that I don't have to live like this anymore. My brother is constantly being rescued. He is enabled. He is coddled, and he is pitied. None of which will help him figure out that he has nowhere to turn and that he needs to get help. The support that he gets is like a trampoline, he is always bouncing back up before he is able to really hit a bottom. I thought the near death experience would be a bottom, clearly it was not. He will not get another chance if this liver fails, and I really don't think that he realizes this. Because he is always rescued, I don't think even HE sees the severity of the problem.

Constantly lying, he (I guess) intends to see a counselor again. He did this before, and called his girlfriend supposedly from the counselor's office, when he was really at a bar. He also says he attends AA meetings. I know of maybe one that he goes to infrequently, and he sits quietly and does not get honest, participate, or give out his phone number to maybe get some close support from some of the other guys. Then blames them when they don't come after him when he disappears.....it goes on and on and on.

Here's the thing. I cannot change the way my mother behaves toward his alcoholism. I used to get SO MAD about the enabling and codependency until I realized that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. Nothing. What I can do, though, is be a loving and caring daughter and an example of Christ's love. Toward all members of my family, even if I am outraged by their behavior and by the complete blindness about my brother's lies and manipulation. If nothing changes, nothing changes. If he is constantly rescued and babied, he will never act like an adult. He will never own his narcissism that has gone on for years, and the lies, manipulation, and selfish behavior that has ripped our family to shreds. I can take care of myself and my sons. I do not rescue him, I really try to stay out of it now, I'm not always perfect about not showing my anger surrounding it but I am better and I continue to pray about it.

I know how frustrating this can be. When someone that we love so much is killing himself - and there is nothing to do but pray. Please take care and continue to check in! Jenm
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Unread 01-28-2014, 05:10 AM   #5
Intime
Junior Member
 
Posts: 2
Red face Thanks for support

Thank you everyone for your support. I am glad to know I am not alone in dealing with this
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