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Unread 01-24-2014, 11:28 AM   #1
hockeygirl
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Default Pretty scared.

Suggestions? My mother is dying from alcoholism. My father died from a drug overdose. I feel like 2 people. During the day I'm successful, confident and strong. At night, even though I don't want to drink.. I still go out. I order a sprite, and somehow I never make it home. I just need support and someone to recognize that it's not easy. Am I in the right place?
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Unread 01-24-2014, 12:32 PM   #2
R. Lee
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Hockygirl, You are in the right place. Welcome to the site.

I speak as a recovering alcoholic.

Your mother has to want to quit drinking. No one can make her.

You have lived in a drug addicted & alcoholic home.

Are you old enough to move out on your own? If not try not to be part of it Getting away from the situation is good for you.

Have you heard of support groups for family's of the alcoholic? Al-Anon is a good one.

You do not have to do this alone. Come here for support, but I would use the family & friends section of this site.

We are here for you.

Last edited by R. Lee; 01-24-2014 at 12:37 PM..
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Unread 01-24-2014, 07:08 PM   #3
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Hello Hockeygirl.

Welcome to this family. I can only imagine how difficult things must be for you at this time. As R Lee says, if it is possible for you to find alternative places, and to have a look at the online family support that are there for you, then i would give that a go.

You are always welcome here with many ears that will listen.

Be peaceful,
Tryin.
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Unread 01-24-2014, 08:20 PM   #4
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Hockeygirl.

First of all welcome to the site, and thanks for reaching out! You are welcomed and wanted here.
I am however, a little confused. Is it just your parents who have the alcohol/drug problem, or are you dealing with the addiction as well. Keep posting, we want to hear from you.
Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 01-25-2014, 01:52 AM   #5
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Oh my! Thank you for the kind words and re-assurance! I have admitted told people that I'm an alcoholic. Most recently, I was responded with "no you're not.." Un knowing, I admitted to this person how much I had really drank that night, and they were shocked. I don't get sick. I don't get out of control. I make very poor decisions though. I know there is not much I can do for my mother, I have tried all I can over the past years, but now I have to focus on myself. Tonight was 3 beers and 1 shot. I kept saying.. none, but the beers were still ordered and the shot was still drank. This was in a place called a bowling alley. I don't know a social life without alcohol. The plus, I guess, is I do not drink at home. I am a full grown adult, I live very far from my mother and family. Let's note that when I go to visit she always has a case of my beer, a bottle of my whiskey, and a carton of my cigarettes waiting for me. I'm not really going to go 'there' for help. I'm going to read through some threads tonight... what suggestions do you guys have? I know it took a lot of strength for my to come tonight instead of going to a local dance club I was invited to and said I would be at. The strength came from the fact I didn't want to run into the guy I got drunk and went home with Wednesday. I don't ever want to worry about a scenario like that again! That is how I decided to get online and try to find some free help. . As you all probably get... I'm pretty broke cause of my habit, too!
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Unread 01-25-2014, 02:45 AM   #6
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Hang in there hockeygirl - you are on the right path. One day at a time. I can really relate to the whole "you're not an alcoholic" from the friends. I laugh at that one, wondering what friend would tell someone it's not true when they are disclosing something so serious and personal. I figure that is something we get to define for ourselves, being an alcoholic. And it's usually those of us who mask really well, or are "functioning" alcoholics that everyone can't believe we have a problem. I don't fall down drunk, get sick, yell, drink and drive, go out all hours. But I constantly forget what someone has said to me or what I've told my kids. I'm not very present for them and I'm always tired and regretful in the morning. I don't maintain friendships and feel lonely. My first piece of advice would be to change your routines. If you drink when you are out and don't when you are home - spend some time at home for a while. Take up a hobby of some sort that occupies your evenings. We're all in it together - you are worth it and I am worth it - so let's do this thing called sobriety!
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Unread 01-25-2014, 01:09 PM   #7
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I feel like this thread may be a good place to 'journal' the experiences that lead me here... A few evenings ago I met a friend after work to watch the end of a hockey game. I enjoyed a martini (what I have always called 'my treat' ) The game went a bit sour, my team wasn't winning. I decided to order dessert instead of a whiskey shot. Then the manager bought a round of shots for all of us. Instead of going home like I should have, I decided to go another bar that hosts a ladies night, which I used to be a regular at but have been trying to stay away. As usual, I ordered a sprite and 2 shots... 1 for the DJ. I knew a lot people there. I continued with a Sprite in my hands, while downing shots of whiskey, I ordered some, others were given to me. I don't remember how I got to the place I woke up at the next morning. This has become a 'habit' of sorts. Not one I enjoy the next day.

I have been offered a job that requires me to move.. I'm pretty excited about it actually. But, I am SO SCARED that if I don't change my habits, I'll end up in big trouble in a new city. I've never been good at being alone. I've always been good at being a small girl that can out drink the boys. I think I need to find something else I'm good at...
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Unread 01-25-2014, 01:12 PM   #8
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Hockeygirl. You are in the right place, at the right time, with the right attitude!
If I could only give you one piece of advice, this would be it.
Don't make getting rid of alcohol the only change in your life. It will leave you feeling empty, void, and left out. You must replace that addiction with a healthy alternative like a hobby or recreational activity. Shortly after I quit drinking, I began working out. I have since lost about 30 pounds, and have never felt better. I also began writing a blog, ministering at my church more, etc. Don't just get busy, get busy doing something that you love! When I was drinking, the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning was the thought that later that night, I was going to get to drink. I had to find a new reason to get up in the morning, and give myself a goal to work towards.
You can do this, you just need to be willing to do what it takes. Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 01-25-2014, 03:23 PM   #9
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Hi Hockeygirl!

Welcome. I am a recovering alcoholic - and I relate to your story. My life used to be filled with going out, drinking, having fun with 'friends', and many times going home with men (whether I really knew them or not). I was the life of the party. Oh how I CRAVED attention, especially the attention of men. I also had those 'friends' who would tell me that my drinking was not out of control, that I was not an alcoholic. Those were the 'friends' that I hung out with at the bars, the people who would drink like me. I bet if I walked into some of those same places today, I would see some of those same faces and they would be doing the same thing - but they would look older, and I would be able to see exactly what I could be now. Thank God I am not.

I'm very sorry that you lost your dad to drugs and that your mother is continuing to drink, despite the negative effects that alcohol has on your mind, body, and soul. Alcoholism runs rampant through my family. I have a brother who is 45 and has already nearly died because of cirrhosis of the liver as a direct result of his drinking. Even after a life saving liver transplant, he lasted just over a year and went back to active alcoholism. I know that could just as easily be me if I don't continue to surround myself with support. I have used this website for almost 7 years.

Trust me. There is life without drinking! I used to think I would be so bored if I didn't have my drinking, clubs, dancing, going out, after hours parties, etc. I wouldn't go back to that life for anything. I have found a new life that I live without the fear, anxiety, worry, and self loathing. It is entirely possible, but only if you are honest with yourself and stop going to your old 'playgrounds' hanging around the same people. I will never sugarcoat anything in regards to this disease. I have seen people die and I have watched the ugly physical effects of a failing liver in my brother's life. Dying from this thing is horrible to watch and it is slow and very painful for the person.

I am very happy that you are here. Please continue to check in, and be honest. You don't have to impress anyone here. We have all been where you are right now. I am not better than or worse than anyone here. I am just a recovering alcoholic who is choosing to stay sober for today. I choose to stay sober one day at a time. Just for today, I am not going to drink! Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us anyway. Please take care and I look forward to hearing more from you! Jenm
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Unread 01-25-2014, 05:28 PM   #10
hockeygirl
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Jenm, I like how you used 'friends' in quotations. That is exactly what I'm feeling. I really don't know if I have anyone in my life like these 'friends'. I know where they are whenever I need them. I have a lot in common with them. I just a minute ago realized that there are not many things I 'enjoy' doing that don't involve these 'friends'. Congrats to you and I can't wait to be feeling so sure about this change.

Thank you all for this sight! I am looking forward to writing alot... it feels very assuring to know that you all have experienced some of these feelings.. 'empty' is a perfect word for what I'm feeling right now. I haven't yet said I've quit drinking. That is scary to think, I have no idea what I would do! More to come on that...
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Unread 01-25-2014, 06:39 PM   #11
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hockeygirl, You are in a good place. If you think you have problem with alcohol you probably do.
I could only stop drinking after 42 years of drinking by joining a support group of recovering alcoholics.
I work a program where I stay into today. It is a 1 day at a time program.
Lots of suggestions have been offered to you. Take what you want & leave the rest.
Good luck on your choices.
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Unread 01-25-2014, 11:17 PM   #12
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I made a comment to a friend today...

it was right after he said to me "don't get plastered the night before!"

- my comment was "oh, I won't... I quit drinking, again... ya know". This kinda hit me now hard. I've said it a lot. My friends know my potential. I think I'm like the boy who cried wolf.

I was proud of myself for having this get together with my friend at the local coffee house, requesting we didn't meet up at a bar. We talked about how I should prepare for my upcoming interview and played a game of chess. I brought my chess board and pieces with... just a thought I had this morning. When the coffee shop closed we left and I headed home, immediately put on my pj's, and am now laying in bed. Only problem? It's 7:15pm. I'm un - motivated to do anything.

Tomorrow, the Blackhawks play the Jets. My girlfriends want to go see the snow sculptures, and it's my other girlfriends birthday. All of which will include alcohol, all of which sound better than sitting at home, and I could say I wouldn't drink, but I know it's a lie. One whiff of whiskey and I'll make some excuse like 'just one'. What makes it harder is when it's just handed to me without me asking for it. You all know, I'm sure!

I could spend all day tomorrow sitting at home, maybe read, get back into my quilt project... something. But then I'll be required to say 'no thanks' to these invites or any others that may arise. I have a morning event to attend that some of these people will be at. I'm thinking of just skipping it all and telling them I'm sick or something. .. sounds easier.

Since yesterday I drank... not much, but I did... and it took a lot of talking to myself to come home...

And today I decided no more... again. I already miss it... The 'fun' - I really wish I could enjoy all these things without the alcohol... or is it the alcohol that I enjoy about these things?? I know I enjoy being around people, I love to talk. ?? I started drinking when I was a freshman in high school, as well as smoking cigarettes. I'm trying to recall any fun times I've had that alcohol was not a part of?

Oh goody. Now it's 8:15.

P.S. I live in a very small, tourist town. I'm very excited to start a new life in a new city soon. Some of my issues may dissappear, but new ones will arise. I know this. I've lived in 3 states and 7 different cities/towns. They all have beer and whiskey, and bars with sports fans.
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Unread 01-26-2014, 01:19 AM   #13
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hockeygirl,

Welcome and congrats on taking a chance on yourself! No one sets out to become an alcoholic. At some point in time I crossed the line from social drinking to drinking because I became alcoholic. I drank for most of my adult life, over 30 some odd years of it. I knew I had a drinking problem, every morning I would awake and swear it off, by nightfall if not sooner I was getting my daily fix. I functioned, held a job, swore to myself I would not drink when I became a father...... still I drank. I was one person in public, another when alone with myself and my thoughts. I knew what I was but I lied to myself, lived in denial, ashamed to look myself in the mirror most mornings.....

I found myself here because my drinking was increasing in intensity. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. With the support of people here I got sober and have been sober for a number of years.... 4 1/2 years more or less. My suggestion, make sobriety the most important thing in your life. Learn about addiction, read stories of other addicts that have struggled and found sobriety. Know you are not alone nor are you reinventing the wheel here. Others have gone before you and paved the way to sobriety but you, and only you can do the work needed to find sobriety. It is there for you if you truly want it.

Some people can have one or two drinks and walk away. Not me..... one drink is one too many.

People, places, and things can be our triggers to drink. Support is a must for most people fighting addiction. We are here for you as you start on your journey to sobriety. No need to walk alone!

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 01-26-2014, 01:44 AM   #14
hockeygirl
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I'm very Thankful for this place to write. I have many paper journals and break - up letters written on this topic, but they are all hidden safely here in my room doing no good.

I've spent the last few hours rummaging through my stuff trying to find something to do. 3 things came across my mind:

1: I love to hike and snowshoe. It's not safe to go in the wilderness alone. The people I do this with draw straws to pick who carries the booze. These are the phone numbers I have. I met them years ago, in a bar I could search for some local organized groups that get together and do these activities regularly. I hope I like them.

2: What I have eaten tonight... yikes. A bowl of cocoa krispies, a glass of orange juice, 2 waffles with syrup and a cup of coffee. All items purchased at the grocery store yesterday with the cash I had so I wouldn't spend it at the bar at the bowling alley. I ended up using my credit card anyway.

(Talk to me about this 1 day at a time idea... If I am pretty sure that I need to stay away from all my 'playgrounds' ... ??? I live in a playground!! )

3: I'm going to succeed. .. one day at a time. But it's really hard to not think about the fact that I might be watching the SuperBowl alone.. by myself. In the hometown of my hopeful winner. Hell.. it's hard to look at the decorations in my room... I can't tell what I like more, sports or booze!!! Maybe tomorrow I'll redecorate. My room looks like a sports bar... The sports bar looks like my room... they both have been 'home' for a very long time!
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Unread 01-26-2014, 01:54 PM   #15
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All my decorations in my room have a memory... Dad, Grandfather, fun times and smiles. They are beer coozies, beer and whiskey sayings and patches and pennants. Photos from bars and groups of 'friends'.

One says 'Hockey + Beer = Smiley Face'

I have a new saying today... 'Hockey + $ saved not buying beer = Season Tickets!!' .. and the ability to drive to and from the stadium, to remember the games, to maybe meet someone who would like to join me... Have the energy to get back on the ice myself!

Kind of exciting. Good bye sports bar! Time to get creative!

Cheers to all for a great day!
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Unread 01-26-2014, 02:05 PM   #16
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"Normal" people don't think about what they like more, "sports or booze". There is a fulfilling and happy life in sobriety for you if you desire. What is more important, watching a Superbowl by yourself or drinking with your friends? Do you have a friend that will support you in your efforts to stay sober? Sobriety is more than not drinking. It is a lifestyle choice also. We often need to avoid the people, places and things in our lives that can be triggers to drink. We only need to stay sober for today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. The sun will rise tomorrow but will we?

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Unread 01-26-2014, 02:43 PM   #17
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Wow! I have thought about this for a quick moment. The friends I have turned to in the past that don't drink (often) have said 'Just don't go to the bar' or 'you are strong, just say no'. Funny thing is my father supported me the most, he even had me call him when I got done at work to ensure I was walking home and not the opposite direction, to the bar. He died from a cocaine intoxication... written on his death certificate, which I was too blind to notice while he was with me. Most of the time now when I get drunk, I end up crying about him.

My counselor told me to find a father-figure. We don't have to discuss that any further

I understand fully that these addictions kill. I seem to always get told I've said something wrong to others when I try to talk about it.

My addiction to alcohol has the potential to kill me. The habits I've formed around alcohol are the reason it is so hard for me to stop.

Today, changing my habits... my routine... is hard because of my addiction to alcohol. Yesterday, I did it... it was hard, but I did. What made it fun, in a way, was having all of you here to tell. Nobody told me that anything like this exsisted. I found you all myself. And, I am so thankful you are here!!!
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Unread 01-26-2014, 06:15 PM   #18
R. Lee
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hockygirl, Think through that next urge to drink.

Work it 1 day at at time. Keep it simple.

If I drink it will kill me.
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Unread 01-26-2014, 06:31 PM   #19
hockeygirl
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I remember being told once that 'true' alcoholics remember their first drink. I am not saying that I believe that... I did use it to justify things for a while.

I only bring this up now because I just had a very clear rememberance of my first drink. As I was cleaning up/out my room, redecorating a bit... I took down the 'Old Style' patch that hanging up on my wall. That was my grandfather's beer. A while later I recollected that I always tell the story of how I was taught beer goes with football. And there it was. Clear as day. My first drink was watching Bears football with my grandfather, there on the coffee table, he poured some of his Old Style into a shot glass and taught me how to lift it and 'cheers'. I was about 5 years old.

This has never crossed my mind in this manner before.
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Unread 01-26-2014, 06:55 PM   #20
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hockeygirl, Much more will be revealed!Thank you for helping others here. That is how it works.

Last edited by R. Lee; 01-26-2014 at 06:59 PM..
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Unread 01-27-2014, 12:06 AM   #21
hockeygirl
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Thumbs up

I did it. Sunday Funday, no bar. No house party. A few invites that were replied to with 'Thanks, but staying home today'.

Good day. A little pacing, but a relaxing day in all. The bloated feeling set in. Always happens after a few days without beer. The craving happened slightly... that carbonation!!

Watched the ProBowl... So Fun! Blackhawks lost... oh well. I'll get to talk to people about it tommorrow!

I know what is coming next... Monday.

Here's to Monday!!!!

Last edited by hockeygirl; 01-27-2014 at 12:12 AM.. Reason: addition
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Unread 01-27-2014, 01:12 AM   #22
hockeygirl
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R Lee.. I wanted to thank you for your response about my mother in Friends and Family, but I believe it needs to be here

It's too late for my Mother. Her dimentia is a type called 'Pix Disease' The doctors... who also were and are the doctors for my late Grandfather and Uncle... will not help her or give her medication if she is consuming alcohol.

My stepfather has attempted to keep the house alcohol free.. but she knows her habits. If the wine box is missing or empty... she grabs the keys to go to the store. That is scarier now more than ever! This disease is aweful! She cannot even process an answer to a question. Short of checking her into a home, there is nothing we can do. I called my stepfather and my brother to ask them to please discuss this and any plans week can make now and for the future... no response.

That is why I am here. I know I do things for other people way before I think of myself. I know I never want to put the people close to me through this. Lucky for me, admitting to the alcohol addiction, and doing everything I can to ... as you all say, 'Not drink today"... will actually be doing something much better for me than anyone else!

That is what I can be excited about right now!
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Unread 01-27-2014, 09:30 AM   #23
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Good job, Hockeygirl. Stay in today. Think through the first drink. It is the first drink that will get you, not the third, fourth, or seventh. Really try to just stay in the moment. You don't have to drink, and you don't have to live like this anymore. Have a great day! Jenm
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Unread 01-27-2014, 03:38 PM   #24
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Hockeygirl you are doing great! Keep posting, keep venting, and keep moving forward! You are worth it! Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 01-27-2014, 08:58 PM   #25
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hockeygirl, You are on the right road. You have 1st hand knowledge of what alcohol can do to the alcoholic.
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Unread 01-28-2014, 12:47 AM   #26
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Default Thank you!

I think I just realized what you all meant by 'Think through that first drink"!

I could go into a whole lot of detail.. But, I'm at home. just ate a wonderful dinner that I cooked for myself, and I did not go have a beer.

OH - HOW I WANTED TO! I even conjured up in my mind what I was going to write here to jusitfy it. The craving didn't happen all day, not even when I sat at a bar for lunch with a friend... I was working, I don't drink when I work. I caught myself breaking that rule 2 years ago and cried for 2 days. My day was very stressful and busy.. about 3 o'clock pm was when I started wondering if I was going to drink tonight. I was getting tired and knew I wouldn't work on what I planned to work on that evening. I got done working at 7pm... I had 1 client invite me out for a drink, 2 missed calls from 'bar buddy's' (which I have not listened to the voicemails yet) - It was dumping snow! The highway home could have been closed, I could have counted my cash and known that I could afford dinner out. I knew I had enough for a beer. I was not wanting to come home. I wanted to unwind, I wanted to talk about my day with people. I was going to come all the way home and just go to the bar across the street, not a place I go very often, in fact, almost never. I thought about what I would do if I just came home. I would have a sprite... oh yeah, no sprite at home, a coffee... out of that, I'd eat...??? So I decided to go the grocery store instead! I smiled, I knew I was hungry and that going to the store would benefit in more ways than one!

(yes, I could have gone into much more detail )

It even crossed my mind to go the bar anyway, just to see what it would feel like to drink a beer when I really didn't want or 'have' to. Ugh.

I did not drink today! Thank you for letting me tell you that!!
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Unread 01-28-2014, 10:53 AM   #27
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hockeygirl Be careful of people, places & things. I suggest that you change people, places & things.
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Unread 01-28-2014, 11:11 AM   #28
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Hockeygirl - we will run our mind in circles trying to justify that first drink. If you are around sober people, your chances of being invited to go drink at a bar are pretty slim. Have you thought about connecting with someone, or a group of people, who do not put alcohol and drinking first in their lives? You don't have to do this alone! Jenm
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Unread 01-28-2014, 12:26 PM   #29
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R Lee and Jenm.. thank you. I would like to elaborate on the 'I live in a playground' statement. I am a hairstylist. I am very passionate about my industry and have been in this career since I was 16. I am 35 now. Not only my industry, but my community itself lives life like its a vacation everyday.

I am looking forward to my panel interview tomorrow. If I get this job, I will be able to mve to a place with many more, new, options than my small town. And, I will get to be more involved with the educational side of my industry and help more people succeed.

It is very hard for me to choose the people I see during the day. I am thankful for watching others I have worked with problems loose their businesses and clients, have their hands be too shaky, come in late smelling like the bar. That is why I have vowed to never drink while I'm working.

If you all could put the a positive vibe out for me getting this new job... I really want and need it!!! Interview is tomorrow. I drank myself into 'blackout' every night after I got the offer until last Thursday. Then I woke up and found you! We've got this

I'm am going to have a good day today... I wish the same to you all!!
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Unread 01-28-2014, 12:42 PM   #30
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Hello Hockeygirl. Bright blessings to you.

I am reading your journey and i just want to pop in a wish you all the bestest luck in the world for your interview. Head up, smile on, belief in your heart.....job done!

Be strong Hockeygirl!
Tryn
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Unread 01-28-2014, 03:41 PM   #31
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hockeygirl,

A lot of good advice given here and you're making some good choices. As Lee mentioned, people, places and things. Our addicted brain wants what it wants and will try to convince us otherwise. 'Just one drink', we tell ourselves yet it never ends in one drink...... We are very vulnerable in early sobriety. Think through that first drink, think through your lifestyle. Sobriety is more than not drinking it is a lifestyle of choice. Who we surround ourselves with, where we spend our time, etc. There is a happy, fulfilling world out there for you, sober. Make sobriety your goal.... eat it, breathe it, sleep it! My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk.

Keep at it hockeygirl.

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Unread 01-28-2014, 04:49 PM   #32
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hockeygirl, Good luck on your interview.
I suggest do not go to the bar.
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Unread 01-28-2014, 08:23 PM   #33
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Hi all! Thank you so much for your responses and blessings! It means so much, I'm almost in tears about the fact that I found you, happy tears they are! I've been very lost, and making the decision quietly in my room on a Thursday evening that I needed help, that I knew I had a problem that I could not solve, yet, though I've tried so many times...

I am so passionate about my work, I am an optimistic, hardworking person.

Over the years I have started and joined groups commissioned to make our Industry's educational events 'educational' instead of selling a party. I have done well with this! There are no longer bars at the end of every isle at our conventions, we do not open the bars at theater events until after the events. Alcohol is not allowed at our in-salon events and my company has stopped giving away 'margarita makers' and t-shirts that said "I'm a hairdresser and I need a drink" (yes, those exsist, among many more)

Right now, I am wondering how selfish this has all been? Have I been so passionate about this just because I didn't want it around to keep tempting me?!! Because I didn't want to admit to my addiction?

I would just come home, to this tiny town where secrets are safe, and be a completely different person... spending all my spare time at the bar... buying rounds, smiling, laughing, dancing... blacking out, waking up in different bedrooms, and never saying a word about it at work. Knowing full well, I would not be seeing the people from my company and industry in 'these parts'.

In my first post, I mentioned that 'I feel like 2 different people'. I guess I have been very good at separating work and play. I really believe that is why it took me so long to see the addiction and make any effort for my health and my future. The people I will be working with closely, living near and seeing everyday, if I get this new job, have known me a while. They have never seen me have a drink. Once, I was at a hotel bar, I just had a shot, beer in hand.. I saw a few of my co-educators walk-in. I immediatley put my head down, moved the beer toward the other seat near the bartender, asked for my tab, left while waving a 'hello' to them and said goodnight. It is going to be stressful, fun, lucrative. I do not want to runaway and hide anymore.

I have thought about the idea of keeping my room here, still working Saturday's behind the chair here. Coming here 'to get away' every weekend. It would only be an hours drive.

That would cost me over $700 a month to do. And I have actually been pretty sure of doing it. After the last 4 days, all the realizations... this is it. This is my time. I will have to go out on big corporate dinners. I will be asked to shmooze and entertain clients. I will have layovers in airports... meeting clients on the other end. No more get-a-ways. Big, scary times ahead. I love my career. I love my industry... as I have just caught myself in a lie.. There is something I love doing that has never included alcohol... so what now, become a 'work-aholic'?? Nope.

I have now thought about maybe voluteering my 'hairstyling services' on the weekends.. at hospitals and nursing homes, helping other salons with fundraisers. I wish I could go tomorrow. I know my alcoholism will always be a part of me. I know, after reading all these posts and listening, that the odds are not with me. I don't gamble. No bets will be made on me. I am scared @#$%^-Less!!! I know that if I walk into a sports bar in my new city.. I will not have my new job very long. That could turn my alcoholism into a suicide of sorts in my mind.

My friend just called to ask if I was coming out for Hawks game tonight. I said 'no' - that I was staying in... that I had my interview tomorrow. He said "already!? - well call me tomorrow and I'll buy you a drink to celebrate"

I won't be calling him. But, the sad fact is I don't really have anybody to call and tell, because I don't know how to 'celebrate' without drinking. I wish alcohol was illegal. I have the potential to drink a gallon of whiskey tonight. Even more apt to do it tomorrow! No one I know here would think anything of it.

Yesterday I wanted a beer.. today I want whiskey.. which makes a beer not sound so bad.

So... new, amazing friends... thank you for listening, and just a warning - I will be talking a lot the next couple of days... I mean weeks, months, years....
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Unread 01-28-2014, 10:28 PM   #34
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Hockey girl,

I Love the idea of you volunteering to cut hair. When we give of ourselves freely that is often reward enough. I'm also glad you turned down the offer for a beer and a ballgame. Fill the hours when you would normally drink with something you would like to do but never made the time for. Do what it takes to stay sober. Keep sobriety foremost in your mind and continue to work towards that goal. This is your time!!

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Unread 01-29-2014, 02:27 AM   #35
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Ending tonight with a solemn feeling. In the past, whenever I started to have trouble sleeping I thought I just had too much on my mind... that I was stressed out. So, I would go get sloshed so I would pass out. Usually, I'd feel much better the next day... because I 'slept'. I read about the PAWS (not as cute as my kitty cat's, I guess)**Thank you!! and I never took into account that it was a withdrawl symptom.

I'm gearing up for my interview... and also to make a phone call to my bowling league (Thursday and Friday nights) to tell them that I don't mean to let them down... but I won't be returning. I hope it will be easier because I'm offered the job.. moving is a great excuse!

As soon as I get this job, (sidenote: I've been self-employed for 16 years!!) I'll have plenty to keep me busy for a while... I just hope that I'll have the energy and motivation to do it all!

I did not drink today. I am happy for that... Thank You, all! Goodnight
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Unread 01-29-2014, 11:04 AM   #36
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Sending you strength today and a pat on the back for making it through a tough night. You have a lot to sort out in the coming days and I think it is wonderful that you are posting those thoughts and feelings in this space. A big change like a new job can be such a catalyst for change all over in life, but it's going to be tricky not going to your typical coping mechanisms when things are stressful. Just know that we are all here behind you, sending good energy to help support you on this journey. I know from past tries at getting sober that your energy will come way up after a bit, and you will feel so much better. I don't know what PAWS is (I'll have to go look it up) but as far as withdrawal symptoms, I have insomnia at night and I've been exhausted during the day, I am pretty darn irritable in situations I wouldn't normally be. I'm working out at the gym to try to hit that level of dopamine that I get from drinking.
Have a wonderful day and know that my energy of support is with you! We can do this!
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Unread 01-29-2014, 12:32 PM   #37
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Thank you! Big Day! I'm ready for today... I may not find out if I actually have the job today, but I'm a pretty good judge of reaction...

My plan is to come after work tonight and write my strategic exit plan!

I also plan on turning my phone off.

(Insomnia, check! Low Energy, check!, Support to get us through, CHECK!)
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Unread 01-29-2014, 01:20 PM   #38
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hockeygirl, Good luck today. Think through that 1st. urge to drink.
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Unread 01-30-2014, 01:15 AM   #39
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Oh Boy. (I believe you all are able to fill in the blanks on that description, I don't have the energy to go into detail.)

Tryn, Sunshine, Michael, Jenm, RLee, Saint... all of your heartfelt words, support, knowledge and experiences helped me 'think through that 1st urge' today. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE!!!

I have a new job! The king of abilities to change people, places and things. I am truly blessed.

I did not drink today. I am happy for that (bit off all my nails though!)
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Unread 01-30-2014, 02:34 AM   #40
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Your nails will grow back.... Nice job thinking through that first drink!!!! Sobriety is the goal. We're in this with you.

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Unread 01-30-2014, 11:33 AM   #41
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Congratulations Hockeygirl! So happy for you on all fronts. To have such a big moment and not drink in celebration - a tough test of your sobriety. And you did it, you did it! Nails are a small price to pay. Maybe treat yourself to a manicure with all that cash you've been saving by not going to the bar.

Now for your strategic exit plan...

I haven't forgotten your request for a crock pot recipe - what kind of food do you like to eat (flavor wise). That will help me choose something you might like.
Have a wonderful, sober day!
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Unread 01-30-2014, 12:10 PM   #42
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That's awesome Hockeygirl! Keep it up!
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Unread 01-30-2014, 12:22 PM   #43
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Hockeygirl - Congrats on the new job. The most important thing I heard you say though, and I think I read it twice, is I DID NOT HAVE A DRINK TODAY. This is awesome! One day at a time is how we do it around here.

I also did not know how to celebrate without drinking when I got sober. Then I learned how. At this point, no one that is in my life - friends, etc. celebrates by getting drunk. And I have a very wonderful, supportive group of friends in my life, both male and female, and I am so very blessed! It actually seems quite strange to think of sitting around at the bar all the time, but i used to think there would be 'nothing to do' if I didn't do just that. Amazing how things change. Keep at it, girl, you are so worth it! Take care! Jenm
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Unread 01-30-2014, 01:21 PM   #44
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Tonight will be one week since I first googled 'help for alcoholism'.

1 week since I actually admitted it to myself.

Last night I had a dream... it woke me up and when I thought about the dream, my eyes popped wide open!! 3:30am. I found one of my many journal books and wrote it down, every detail. It was very uncomfortable, it brought back memories of a person I hadn't thought of in over a decade.

Today, our schools are closed. 10" of snow so far and still falling!! Suppossed to be 27" by the end. This calls for a party! Schools haven't closed here in 8 years. If you haven't grasped yet, I live in a ski town in the mountains. A playground. Everyone will be gitty today... my roommates went to the mountain, not work... as most people will. My clients have cancelled, because, as the saying goes "There's no friends on a Powder Day"!

I'm not going to the mountain because everyone I know will be celebrating, drinking, playing... being 'kids'. I don't blame them! That is why we are here. And on top of that, I could get my job news out in one shot to everyone, and they will all want to celebrate with me. OH HOW FUN THIS WOULD BE!! I'm hoping bowling will be cancelled because I didn't... like I said I was going to. The social interaction is what I'm craving right now. They all know about my job offer... I have gone a few nights not drinking there... mainly due to hangovers from previous nights. I really hope it is cancelled. (that is my conscious brain trying to convince my un-conscious brain)

Today is going to be a bigger test than the previous days... I've always been a good student, I do very well on tests Sunshine - I get the nervousness and confidence about your upcoming party... Let's come out with A+'s for ourselves! And if I stay home... so be it. I'm kind of starting to enjoy it here.

I can't wait to get to my new city. Where everyone doesn't know my name Where I'm not "the Life of the Party" Jenm Where I can be the life of my new party... the sober party! There's got to be a hardworking, hockey fan out there that doesn't live at the bar! One day at a time. Could they go a little faster, please??

Much Love!
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Unread 01-30-2014, 05:30 PM   #45
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hockeygirl, Take it 1 day at a time. Watch out for people, places & things. Don't test yourself & you will be OK.
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Unread 01-30-2014, 06:53 PM   #46
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Wishes are granted. Bowling cancelled! One more day to get the guts to call

Helped a friend who is having ACL surgery on Tuesday walk her dogs and shovel her drive... and vacuum; ) she offered me a beer twice, I said 'no thanks' twice. Being that she was telling me about her and her boyfriend drinking a bottle of tequila the night before... I did not go into detail after the 'no thanks'.

I really want to go out.. I cannot describe the urge to 'let loose'. I thought hiking with dogs would help. I'm bringing my snowshoes back over to my girlfriends house tomorrow to help pack down the yard for her dogs.

I think I'm going to walk around the town and buy myself something using the money I would have spent at bowling or going out... actually... maybe not. Each block also has a bar that I know well. Have I mentioned I can't wait to move? I'm not sure what I would have done without this job offer...
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Unread 01-30-2014, 10:23 PM   #47
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Hang in there hockeygirl! It sounds like you are needing a good workout - the kind that makes you sweat and breathe hard. I know getting those natural endorphins has really been helping me. It gets you to that same relaxed place that alcohol does with the worst ramification being sore the next day.
Laughter can help too - maybe a comedy with something yummy to eat? I don't know what the answer is - just know that I'm supporting you from afar. We all have to make our own decisions at the end of the day. I loved how you were thinking the other day of all the things you could do because you weren't drinking - that one hit home for me. I'm here to chat with off and on tonight as well. Keep venting. keep trying. keep loving yourself. sending you good energy
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Unread 01-30-2014, 11:12 PM   #48
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I had one appointment that didn't cancel today at 4pm. When I finished her, I left work. Only to find that my roads home were closed. Including the highway. I totally wanted to just go back, post up at a friends house and meet them at the bar. The bar with the burgers I love.
(I'm so upset right now.. I'm sure you'll hear it in my type)

Instead... I took the pass home. 45min away from my normal route, but it dumps out by my house. It is still dumping snow!! I used to be so gitty about days like this, we haven't had this good of a storm in 4 years! Scary drive, scarier because I didn't even realize I had gone all the way over when I saw the pretty, bright lights of the bar across the street from my house... It would be so fun there right now (I thought to myself)

I kept driving, couldn't go home (everything happens for a reason)

So I drove and drove... heading toward the grocery store, wasn't hungry.. I was looking around for someplace I could go that was social... anyplace I could talk to people that they didn't serve beer at.

Where the heck do you guys go??????? I found nothing. Ended up a half hour from home the other direction at Target in a snowstorm. The place was a ghost town. I bought myself some earrings and a new wallet. I headed home. The plow didn't come through our court, so after manuevering a bit (thank god for 4x4!) I got out of my car and into my house. My roommates cars were there... nobody home. Pizza box on the table, 4 sleeping bags and a cot in the living room, and 4 out of a six-pack of beer in the fridge. Then the note.. "I'm sure you had a rough drive home, we're at the 'bar across the street' Come join us!" They never go out. I've invited them all the time. Why tonight???!!! I'm guessing by the cot and sleeping bags, we have guests tonight.

EVERYBODY HERE IS CELEBRATING!! I'm so lost and confused I'm in tears. Do I cry myself to sleep at 8pm, or go walk a block and have a good time with the rest of the town?? They already called off school for tomorrow too.. this is just political so locals can go play. The first post I saw on my facebook was how to measure snowfall.. stacking of beer cans. The second was "We love this playground" with a bunch of people cheersing beers at the mountain patio.

I want to say I'm making excuses.. but these are all just truths of my world I created for myself.

Sunshine.. thank you.. but I have to be honest, I hate the gym and I hate working out... always have. I'm 108lbs, fit, and muscular. I ice skate, play hockey, hike, snowshoe and ski. Those are my exercise, and I love them. Problem. Can't do those at night. Can't play hockey cause I'm recovering from dual wrist surgery and my Physical Therapist works and plays at the rink too.

Right now, my choices are cry or go out. I am motivated for nothing else. I already finished off a box of cocoa krispies. I really want to go out, I really want to socialize, I really want a beer... I'm wondering if this will change at all in a new place...

Really, what do you all do??? Where do you all go???
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Unread 01-30-2014, 11:42 PM   #49
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I'm still at home ... all dishes are done and kitchen is cleaned. I'm not crying... just taking a lot of deep breaths.

I did not drink today... I am sticking to it!
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Unread 01-31-2014, 12:11 AM   #50
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Good job not drinking. Have you thought of letting a trusted friend know what you are going through? It often helps to be in the company of others that are going through the same as you. AA is another option for you or perhaps one on one therapy. Do what works for you and don't be afraid to do something different if you find yourself struggling.

Good job today

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