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Unread 12-02-2013, 02:55 PM   #1
dripdrop
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Hi all. So, I think I have a problem. I'm 35, male, live in Africa as a volunteer. I think I'm a functioning alcoholic. I drink roughly 200ml of brandy per night, every night. It's probably not much? I don't know how to measure it. I can't seem to handle much alcohol. I'm really, really skinny. I don't know if that matters, but I've been told that skinny people can't handle much alcohol. I sometimes go up to 250-300ml and end up feeling sick, like I know I've taken too much. It's usually spread over 3-4 hours of drinking.

But, I believe it is a problem for me because I can't seem to stop, even when it's important that I not drink. I've been doing this for roughly the past 5 years. A good friend of mine, ( I think he suspects), told me several times that alcohol is something a person should be able to "take or leave" at any given moment. I can't seem to leave it.

In the early mornings I feel this terrible black guilt and then around 1 or 2pm I begin to change. I start to feel like it'd be really nice to have a drink tonight etc...

I don't think it's just being bored or whatever. I believe I am addicted, because I can't say no and it's affected my relationships, too. I become introverted and don't want to talk to anyone or do anything social in the evenings. I just want to drink and surf the web.

After realizing that I have a problem, I started day dreaming about ways to control myself; like a medicine which would cause me to become sick if I tried to drink. For a long while it was just a fantasy, until I got the sudden inspiration to google it! Haha, I suppose I really believed that such a thing could not exist, (or maybe I just didn't want to know it?) but then I found out about disulfiram! It was almost exactly as I imagined it, except I was thinking of something that would only last for 6-12 hours, so that I could deliberately choose the days I want to drink.

It took me a few days to adjust to the idea of going weeks without drinking. I'm still not to the point that I want to forsake drinking altogether, but I'm definitely keen to try something which will encourage me to be abstinent for a time.

I had a dream 3 nights ago which encouraged and convicted me. For context, I am a Christian and a significant part of my work is in finding other people who also see some benefit in what Jesus taught.

In the dream I was estranged from my brothers, but I was still somewhat attempting to be a Christian on my own. I was invited to attend a meeting with them, because they found a new disciple and wanted to organize outreach. However, I had gone one full day without alcohol, and so wanted to reward myself with a nice drink. So, I drank my usual fill and attended the meeting.

I was able to mostly function, but I found that I was not able to understand or keep up with a lot of what was happening. The new disciple introduced himself to me, but it wasn't just him, the meeting also included his family and some of his friends (which is quite unprecedented in such circumstances!), and there was a great deal of organization and planning happening in the background. I couldn't keep up, and I felt irritated by that.

When someone offered me refreshments, I decided that I could get it myself. I wanted to prove myself. I could walk straight and still participate. So I walked to the kitchen in a straight line and helped myself to refreshments as though I was completely sober. I accomplished my goal, and yet it was such a shallow victory.

I woke up with one of the worst guilt mornings I've ever had.

The dream encouraged me even more to pursue disulfiram. I don't really want mood altering drugs (though i can appreciate that works for others). I believe I will respond best to what I think is a concrete solution; if I drink I will become violently sick. I don't like being violently sick.

In the mornings I feel the strongest about wanting to stop and that is when I will take the meds.

I don't have health insurance and I don't have any kind of regular doctor. I've had super good health my whole life and have very rarely ever gone to hospital for anything. I've never even had a broken bone or anything worse than a common cold. I was able to find the meds without a prescription and wanted to start straight away.

But I read some stuff about how disulfiram is nothing to play around with and can be quite dangerous for the liver. So I went to a clinic today for a liver function test. I've got a printout and a brief explanation that my liver appears to be within normal levels, but I've not had a proper consultation about whether my liver can handle the meds. I have faith that we can take deadly things in faith, but I don't want to end up as a miserable regret on a hospital bed because I was too proud to ask for help!

I feel ashamed to talk to anyone in person about this, but I'll find a doc tomorrow to read the results of my test and consult about the disulfiram.

So that's what I'm up to now. Thanks for listening.
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Unread 12-02-2013, 03:21 PM   #2
Tryntryagain
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Hello Dripdrop, WELCOME!!, bright blessings to you my friend.

Thank you so, so much for reaching out. Here you have hands that will reach out to you. You are not alone.

What an honest and forthright post. Some of the things you feel are because of the effects of using alcohol to help you along the way. It does not help my friend. I can not tell you how much courage it took me to post here, and therefore how much it has taken you.

To have found us does not just mean alcohol bothers you, but you want to do something about it. Take your time my friend, listen to the experiences of others and find your way.

There is always someone here to talk to. You have taken the first step, and it maybe a rocky road, but you are on the right path here. This is a space you can be honest, see how alcohol is not working for you, and chose a path without it that enables you to find what you are looking for.

You mention shame, guilt, these Dripdrop are driven by alcohol. I would wager a bet with you that, give yourself some dry time, some time away from the pain that alcohol pours ontop of your worrys, you will have a different perspective. Give it a try. Be kind to yourself, all of us are here. You have somewhere to come other than the bar.

Really look forward to hearing from you soon.

Be peaceful and be strong.
Tryn
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Unread 12-02-2013, 05:03 PM   #3
R. Lee
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dripdrop, Welcome to the site. I'm a recovering alcoholic who drank for 42 years.

If you think you have a problem you probably do.

In the course of my drinking I tried to stop 3 times. I could not stay sober on my own.

The idea of controlled drinking just did not work. I no more than had a part of a drink & I was planning on how I was going to get the next drink.

I never took medication to make me sick if I drank alcohol.

Two & 1/2 months shy of being 61 while I was intoxicated after a good day of drinking I was overwhelmed with the desire that this is it I must stop now. The next day I went to a support group of recovering alcoholics. They showed me the way to live without alcohol. They showed me a way to live where I could forgive myself for the way I had lived. They showed me that I was to stay in today, that is in the morning I ask for guidance to show me how to get through the day without a drink. At night I'm thankful for another day of sobriety. I work my program one day at a time.

Good luck & come back a share more.
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Unread 12-02-2013, 09:42 PM   #4
michaelc232
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Hello Dripdrop, and welcome! I am so glad that you found this site, and I hope it can be a stepping stone for you on your road to sobriety.
I am a Christian as well, and am heavily involved in ministry at my church, so I understand the guilt, and mental anguish of Addiction Vs Beliefs. You said that you are not sure if you have a problem or not. A wise man once told me, "It's not about what you drink, as much as it is about why your drink." As alcoholics, we use alcohol to cover up something in reality that we just don't want to deal with. In return, Alcohol makes our reality seem 100x worse than it actually is. That is how the romance between the alcoholic, and their drink begins.
As an alcoholic, my chemical make-up is more sensitive and susceptible to alcohol, just like a crack addict has a make-up more susceptible to cocaine. We use our drug of choice to haze out reality so that we don't have to deal with it. That is the easy part. Are you ready for the hard part?
Disulfiram is not going to cure your addiction. It is simply going to make you choose between Not Drinking, and getting Horribly Ill. Most people would choose the Not Drinking. Although it can be a GREAT tool towards your sobriety, you need to know that once you start using that drug, you will quickly step out of the drunk/hungover state, into a state of reality. There, you will be faced with real life in all of it's entirety. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You will then have to make one of two decisions. You will either begin facing the things that you used alcohol to cover up, or you will throw the medicine bottle out the window and start drinking again. You need to prepare yourself for stepping into reality by surrounding yourself with caring and understanding people that know what you are going through. Find a support group, or tell one of your Pastors what is going on. Do something! But whatever you do, don't try to do this alone. Many have tried the lone road to sobriety, but I'm afraid the tape at the finish line still remains unbroken.
Reach out for help, start facing your demons, and start working on yourself. But most of all, know that you can do this!
I only drank heavily for 2 years before I said my final goodbyes to alcohol. Others suffer for decades before finally deciding to quit and get help. But unfortunately, many drink their entire lives away, with nothing to show for it but a trail of empty bottles and broken relationships behind them. You don't have to live this way anymore. You can stop drinking, and live a great life! Keep us updated. Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 12-02-2013, 10:29 PM   #5
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Dripdrop,

Welcome.

To echo Lee if you think you have a problem with alcohol you probably do.

I also was never able to control my drinking. More precisely I would cut back for short periods of time but eventually the drinking increased once again in intensity. Nobody I have ever met wanted to be an alcoholic. It happens over time. So does sobriety. Sobriety is a process that can also take time. Most, myself included, realize they have a problem with alcohol but justify, rationalize their drinking so they can continue. I drank for most of my adult life, pretty much everyday and drank until I was drunk. I was what one would call a 'functional alcoholic'. I worked, rarely missed a day of work because of sickness, perhaps 6, 7 days over a period of 25 years or so. I fathered a daughter, love her dearly but never wanted her close to me when I was drinking. I didn't want her to smell the alcohol on my breath. I use to tell myself I would stop drinking when daughter was born.
Didn't happen. I drank for another 10 years or so before I finally stopped for good. Before I stopped I would awake in the morning and most days did not want to look myself in the eye when I looked in the mirror. I didn't want to see the bloodshot eyes, I didn't want to see the proof of what I knew in my heart.... that I was an alcoholic.

The good news...... you don't have to live like this anymore. Learn about addiction, see where you fit in. There are many good links on the right of the screen. Read the threads, the stories of those here that have suffered with the disease. There are many avenues available to you to help you live an alcohol free life. I found myself here after realizing I knew I needed to do something concrete to address my drinking. Addiction is a progressive disease and my drinking intensity was increasing in intensity. Some mornings I awoke and I believe I was still drunk from the night before...

This site, as well as some one on one counseling helped me get and stay sober.

You are among friends here. We have lived and breathed the disease. Today my worse days sober are better than my best days drunk.

Welcome and keep coming back Dripdrop.

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 12-03-2013, 08:58 AM   #6
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Hi Dripdrop!

There has been some wonderful advice given so far by my good friends here. Saint, R Lee, Tryn, Michael.....they know what they are talking about! We have all been exactly where you are right now, my friend.

I lived with the horrible guilt and that awful feeling that you describe. You don't have to live like this anymore. You really don't. Instead of thinking about not drinking for a long period of time, try thinking of staying in today. Or in the hour. You mentioned being a Christian - I am also a Christian. The Lord has taken away much of my guilt, shame, and hurt. I have been forgiven. Trust Him. Please let us know how you are doing! Take care, Jenm
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Unread 12-03-2013, 01:40 PM   #7
dripdrop
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Hi ya'll! Thanks for all those wonderful responses! So I took the results of my liver function test to a doctor today. I showed her the results and asked her if I'm okay to take disulfiram. She suggested that I stay away from alcohol. I was like, -_-'

Anyway, she said she knows what disulfiram is and that I'm okay to take it. Hooray! So I swallowed this first dose tonight.

Yeah I agree Jen. A lot of good advice here. Part of why I got in to alcohol was lonliness. I spent a lot of time alone. I still have a lot of issues and I'm still dealing with that lonliness. I had another dream last night. I met with my brothers and they were making all these plans to prepare for the trib and Jesus' return. I wasn't drunk this time but I still didn't know what was happening, like I was being spiritually lazy while my brothers were being faithful. It was a terrible feeling, but I believe my efforts with the disulfiram are a good step in tbe right direction.

Unfortunately, we are indeed estranged in real life, not specifically because of my drinking. So Michael is right, that I still need to deal with that or I will continue in my lonliness.

For now I feel happy to make this kind of progress with my problem. ^.^
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Unread 12-03-2013, 03:59 PM   #8
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dripdrop, There is a word we use in my support group. HALT. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. We alcoholics gave to watch out for all these feelings or we may drink over them.
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Unread 12-03-2013, 04:00 PM   #9
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Congrats on taking that first pill Dripdrop! And an even bigger congratulations for recognizing the things that you need to work on to keep from going back to alcohol. Keep us posted along your journey, we are here to help. Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 12-04-2013, 10:14 AM   #10
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Hey Dripdrop -

No matter what happens in your life, you do not have to drink over it. Just try to stay in today. I very well know how you feel, when I read your post I exactly remembered. In the morning I was filled with guilt and shame, but by the afternoon the craving would start. I am so grateful that I do not have to feel like that anymore.

Please remember, although medication is a tool to help, it is not an overall solution. We all have different paths here, read the stories and find out. I am praying for you - please take care! Jenm
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Unread 12-04-2013, 01:20 PM   #11
dripdrop
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Thanks yall. Jen's advice reminds me of Michael's: medicine is helpful but it's not a cure. Thanks for that important reminder.

However, I'm feelin pretty good now. It's my second night. The craving is still there but I'm workn through it one day at a time.

HALT is an interesting acronym. Thanks for sharing it. Feels like I'm always tired these days, but I'm trying to find ways to cut back on some of the jobs I do!
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Unread 12-04-2013, 01:29 PM   #12
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Dripdrop, start allowing yourself to imagine again. Remind yourself of what you really want out of life, and start seeing yourself doing it. Believing in yourself, and in your dreams, makes the road to sobriety 10 times smoother. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 12-04-2013, 08:08 PM   #13
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dripdrop, Keep it simple. One day at a time. Way to go on 2 days.
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Unread 12-06-2013, 09:38 AM   #14
Tryntryagain
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Hello Dripdrop, bright blessings to you.

I just want to share my support and encouragement in 2 days, it is the right path. It will be difficult, of course it will because our thinking is in tune with what we "normally do". But by breaking the chains we can "stand up and experience freedom", that is the reward of sobriety.

Keep posting my friend.

Be peaceful and be strong. Loveness to you Dripdrop
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Unread 12-06-2013, 09:14 PM   #15
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Hello Dripdrop~

The advice and input you have received from the others here is priceless and spot on in my experience.

I would add... be careful as you cut out the use of alcohol... if you were drinking to the point of drunkenness nightly for a long time you will experience some intense withdrawal symptoms... some of these can be quite dangerous and can include hallucinations, seizures etc... scary stuff!!! If you feel you may be at a stage where this would happen to you... please seek medical help for your detoxification. Your blood pressure can spike or drop to dangerous levels! Please be careful as in the early stages of quitting.

Blessings!

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Unread 12-07-2013, 06:41 AM   #16
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Hi dripdrop, to follow up on RIX's post about alcohol withdrawals, here's some information about them:
http://alcoholanswers.org/alcohol-ed...withdrawal.cfm

Alcohol withdrawals can be life-threatening. So, as RIX said, get medical help if you start with any of these symptoms. Get to the ER or call 911 if you need to.

Best wishes,

Nancy
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Unread 12-07-2013, 02:02 PM   #17
dripdrop
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Thanks yall. Today was a bit rough for me! I'm takn my pills everyday but today is my first weekend with no alcohol. I went for dinner with my friends and they offered me a beer. I declined; no choice because of the meds!

Sure wish I could have had the drink, but still I don't regret and I will continue. I've kinda psyched myself up for this kind of situation. AND, I actually had half tbe day off today. I'm sure I would have decided to start drinking early, like 2pm and then go to meet my friends feeling tired and drunk and then drink another two beers with them.

And my roommates are drinking right now. Sure I would have come back and drank more with them hntil I feel sick , and tired , and stupid and condemned. Then in the morning the real torture.

Haha thank God for this pill!!!

I don't think I have any serious withdrawl symptoms yet, though I had a subtle headache today which a bit unusual for me. Thanks for expressing those concerns.

Bye for now
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Unread 12-07-2013, 02:23 PM   #18
Tryntryagain
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Hello Dripdrop, bright blessings to you.

I can not commend you enough for what you are trying to achieve. I so look forward to you telling us your journey. All of us are here for you.

On my journey i was in a place where i was given medication and i drunk on them, it nearly killed me. Do NOT drink on medication my friend. It inot my advice, it is my experience.

I found in order to stop drinking i could not have it in my immediate environment. I hear what you are saying, it is around you, but it is your choice to let it in or not.

You have made such a courageous step. You have found a family that understands why your journey has been the way it has, change is a wonderful thing.

Keep posting, and dont mess with meds!

Be peaceful and be strong. Loveness to you Dripdrop, (for short?.....DD......Dont drink)
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Unread 12-07-2013, 07:38 PM   #19
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Dripdrop, your doing great! Keep it up! Life without alcohol is a beautiful thing, it just takes time. As R.Lee always says "Keep it simple, one day at a time."
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Unread 12-08-2013, 04:24 AM   #20
dripdrop
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Hi tryn! Thanks! Actually ur name reminds me of a dream I had a year ago when I was still coming to terms with being alcoholic. In the dream I was drinking and wanted to stop but I failed. While I was feeling condemned I felt God was speaking to my mind, telling me that I should not stop trying. It also felt like a "silent" rebuke that I should not allow failure to become a convenient excuse to continue abusing alcohol.

Unfortunately, it's taken a long time to really do something about it, but I'm happy to be here now.

gotta go!
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Unread 12-08-2013, 12:32 PM   #21
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Hello Dripdrop. Bright blessings to you.

You say that you have "failed" in coming to terms with being an alcoholic a year ago. My friend may i suggest that far from "failing" at anything, you are raising the profile of you. What makes you happy and sad, but moreover, what debilitates you?, and what helps you along your way. I consider your journey from last year to this as a neccessary process to enable you. You are now aware, and you are taking the steps that are needed to bring your heart back to you. I think you have, and are succeeding. The waters can be choppy, at a times a bit scary, but there are those here that will be sailing alongside you. Any difficulties you can share. Keep doing what you are doing...it is working!!

Be peaceful and be strong. Loveness to you Dripdrop
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Unread 12-08-2013, 05:04 PM   #22
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Never stop trying. You can do it.
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Unread 12-09-2013, 08:38 AM   #23
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I agree, dripdrop. NEVER stop trying. You are doing well so far, continue to check in with us as this is not something that can be (or should be) done alone! We are in this together! Take care, Jenm
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Unread 12-09-2013, 02:46 PM   #24
dripdrop
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So, I originally planned to start by taking the disulfiram for one week and then no pills for the two weeks it takes to filter the drug out of the body so I could drink for the holidays.

I didn't really want to stop drinking altogether. Though, now I am thinking that I need to persevere for a while longer. I've abused alcohol too much to have learned my lesson in such a short time. Although it would be nice to drink for the holidays, I feel confident that it will not be controlled drinking.

I did a lot of work today and made some significant progress with some planning issues in the evening. That would not have happened if I was drinking as usual. I am thankful for that. However, I got a fairly nasty headache, which is unusual for me even when I put in long hours on the computer. I wonder if it's a result of the abstinence.

Now it's raining outside and I'm tired, so it's off to bed to the soothing sounds of millions of drippings and droppings!
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Unread 12-09-2013, 04:16 PM   #25
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dripdrop,

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The drinking worsens over time. Controlled drinking never worked for me. I was able to get my life back on track by abstaining from alcohol. Yes there are times I would like to be able to be 'normal', to enjoy drinks with friends, family but those days have passed for me...... and I have no regrets about not drinking today. I have no desire to return to my drinking ways and I realize I am only one drink away from that happening. Think through that first drink.

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Unread 12-09-2013, 07:28 PM   #26
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dripdrop, You said in your 1st post. "Believe me I think it is a problem for me because I can't seem to stop, even when it is important that I not drink."

Nothing is going to change unless you change. You will find yourself in the same situations that brought you here. In fact they will probably get worse.

Some of us have to go out & drink again because we have not drank enough to hit bottom.
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Unread 12-10-2013, 08:35 AM   #27
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Hi Dripdrop!

At one point in my life I was able to take or leave alcohol and not constantly think about it. Somewhere along the way, and I can't pinpoint exactly when, I crossed that "invisible line" into alcoholism. Once that line was crossed for me, there was no going back. I didn't want to accept it for a long time, so I would plan things like you are. I wanted to be able to drink on a vacation, or during holidays, or when the sun was shining, etc.

As Lee said, alcoholism is progressive. And it is a disease. People who are not alcoholics do not search and find this forum just to pour through the stories and finally post about their concerns. They simply do not think about drinking, or not drinking. Since it is so hard for me to accept not drinking forever, I think I can accept my choice of just not drinking today. Tomorrow I will try it again. Take care! Jenm
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Unread 12-10-2013, 10:37 AM   #28
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Hello Dripdrop. Bright blessings to you.

There was plenty of mistakes i made on the way to today, and one of them was i tried "too hard". I thought i had to turn the world from being round to being square before i believed i could stop. And you know what? After all the soul searching in the world, of all the houses i went round, it ended up at just 1 thing.

I ain't drinking today! That'll do for me! Pressure off, a day at a time. As Jenm says, then the next day you do it again?.....why?, because you want to. Your heart knows what it wants to do, follow that.

Be peaceful and be strong. Loveness to you Dripdrop
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Unread 12-10-2013, 10:38 AM   #29
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Hi there and I hope you are having a good day. Jenm said it all. Most if not none do not search for forums if they are not concerned about their drinking and or drugging. Something brought you here. And R. Lee said it all too, some go out and drink again because they have not drank enough to hit bottom. Well, that next drink one takes could become the mother of all bottoms. It is a risk I took while in addiction that landed me in hell for five years. Wish I had never done it.

You are thinking through things and I believe you have it in you to do the next right thing for yourself. It is not worth it my friend. None of it is worth it.

Please let us know how you are doing. Glad you are here. And I am sure when you were growing up you didn't say, "I want to become a functioning alcoholic one day." Functioning only goes so far before all is lost. Peace my friend.
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Unread 12-10-2013, 11:49 AM   #30
dripdrop
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Wow so many wonderful responses. Thanks everyone. I've been thinking.today, that posting here has been good for me. I've never talked to anyone about it before. I'm thinking that maybe I should write a letter to my brothers, like a confession. It may be good.for my spirit, but I'm very afraid. When I was living with them we would drink but we had fixed weekly limits, which I agreed to as part of a general house-wide consensus on moderated dri king.

However, I broke the rules often, sneaking drinks in the evenings and going waaaaay over my weekly limit. My drinking also led to a lot of unecessary arguments. I've never been violent but I get irritated easily when I drink. The trust we shared was something worth being proud of, but still I didn't appreciate.

When I was praying about whether to take the disulfiram I felt god leading me to the Bible verse where Jesus says that we should forgive 70x7. But I don't think I can get that forgivness if they don't even know that I want or need it.

I believe it's what I should do and I believe they will forgive me but I'm still frightened to tell them. My pride and my desire to look good in tbe eyes of others is probably stronger than my desire for akcohol.

well.gotta.go
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Unread 12-10-2013, 09:25 PM   #31
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Dripdrop. Making amends with the people we have done wrong is part of the process. I once made a statement almost identical to what you have said here, and I will never forget what R.Lee told me. He said, "All of your friends probably already know that your a drunk." At that point, I thought he was dead wrong. I was caught up in my alcoholism and thought I had played everyone like a fiddle. Come to find out, he was 100% right. Your friends probably already know that you have a drinking problem, they just didn't want to say anything. If your heart tells you to apologize, do it. I am sure that your Christian brothers will quickly forgive you. And even if they do not, your conscience is clear. Best of luck to you. Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 12-11-2013, 04:37 PM   #32
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dripdrop, Let the pride go & try some humility. It will be the 1st drink that will get you.
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Unread 12-16-2013, 06:28 AM   #33
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Ok so I really, really did it! I sent off the email to all of them! I got a response from o e person who said that, indeed, he was not surprized. Haha so Lee and Michael were right about that.

However, he appreciated my honesty so I am thankful for that. I'm still waiting on word from the others.
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Unread 12-16-2013, 10:00 AM   #34
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Hello Dripdrop, bright blessings to you.

When in drink we "internalise things", it is why we can become selfish when in drink. All those that love us can see it as clear as day. Every single person in my life knows i am an alcoholic. I hid for such a long time, but now in sobriety i can turn it into a strength. I am the same man, just sober. It opens so many doors, not just with others but to yourself. Keep the honesty going my friend, it is the only way.

Be peaceful and be strong. Loveness to you Dripdrop.
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Unread 12-16-2013, 10:57 AM   #35
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dripdrop, Don't drink. Admit you have a drinking problem & clean up the past
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Unread 12-16-2013, 01:25 PM   #36
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Great job Dripdrop! You chose to be honest, and in doing so you took one huge step towards victory! You inspire me. Blessings!

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Unread 12-17-2013, 04:16 AM   #37
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Thanks guys. Today marks 2 weeks sober. Hooray!
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Unread 12-17-2013, 11:02 AM   #38
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That is awesome dripdrop! One day at a time.
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Unread 12-17-2013, 11:07 AM   #39
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dripdrop. Way to go. Keep it simple working on it one day at a time. Think through that next urge to drink. You are on your way to a new life.
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Unread 12-18-2013, 02:38 PM   #40
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Congratulations Dripdrop!! Keep working it!

Regards,
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Unread 12-19-2013, 12:10 AM   #41
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You can do it Dropdrop... One day at a time, you can do it. You make me proud and help me stay sober.

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Unread 12-21-2013, 11:00 AM   #42
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Hello Dripdrop. Bright blessings to you.

Great job! I just want to wish you and your loved ones a very happy Christmas. Enjoy my friend.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Dripdrop.
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Unread 12-23-2013, 03:04 PM   #43
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hrrrrmmmm....

Juz wrote this long update ( haha so much drama) but can't cut and paste using my phone. Will save it and use the lappy in the morning.

Merry Christmas to u too tryn, and to everyone else, too. I've been invited to go 4 xmas dinner tomorrow with the people I confessed my problem to. *So happy*.

bye for now.
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Unread 12-23-2013, 08:51 PM   #44
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Merry Christmas or happy Holidays to you dripdrop.
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Unread 12-23-2013, 10:38 PM   #45
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Merry Christmas dripdrop.

Peace,
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Unread 12-24-2013, 01:05 AM   #46
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P { margin-bottom: 0.08in; direction: ltr; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); widows: 2; orphans: 2; } So, this girl invited me out to go clubbing with a gf of hers cause it was her bday. I've had drinks with her before but I told her that I've been drinking too much recently and will stay sober for the holidays. It was deceptive but I didn't want to come right out and tell her about my problem.


Anyway, she hassled me a bit about it, saying it's the wrong time of year to be attempting a clean period, but then accepted and still wanted me to go out with them. It was hard cause of the atmosphere; I really wanted a few beers.


We went to a few different pubs and then ended up at a dance club. I've not been out dancing for a few yearz and I had a really fun time, although afterwards they said they admired my confidence to get out there and do anything without caring what other people think of me, which wasnt a particularly inspiring compliment. -_-


Towards the end, the friend who invited me complimented me on my discipline for remaining abstinent throughout the nite. I felt a stab of guilt cause it wasn't really my discipline. I really wanted a drink but Im on the disulfiram. I felt bad for accepting the compliment in the way she meant it.


But, when morning came I was soooo happy that I didn't drink and I was thanking God for the meds. I knew that if I was drinking I would have ended up drinking too much, become tired from the dancing, probably bumping in to people while at the same time thinking that I was dancing really well, then get all emotional and frustrated and just generally have a terrible night out. And it was really hot in the club, too. Even sober, I wanted to take my shirt off, but it would have been inappropriate. If I was drunk, I probably would not have cared and done it anyway, and then get in trouble with the bouncers.



+ the girl who invited me is kinda hot and she's kinda flirted with me in the past. Even though I alredy have a gf I probably would have ended up flirting with this girl or making a fool of myself. I easily become emotional when I drink.



So, even though I wanted a drink, afterwards I was so happy that I didn't! I avoided a lot of problems by not drinking and I was still able to have fun!



And then there is this other girl who does similar kind of volunteer work as me. She confessed her feelings to me a few months back and I rejected her as gently as I could. Then she avoided me for a few months and I felt really bad about that but then after I sent her a few txt messages asking how she's doing , she's friendly again and wants to do stufff with me.


I want to be friendly to her cause she's doing good work here. She wants me to go over to her place 4 christmaz but she lives really far away and during the day I'm run off my feet with jobs so I told her that these other people and I were planning something for new years, like going out dancing again.



She told me a long time ago that she dosent drink anymore cause she had problems with alcoholism. So I told her that I also would not be drinking through the holidays so we could be the non-drinking buddies for the night, but then she said she didn't feel comfortable being in that kind of atmosphere and then I felt like such an ass. That was so insensitive, right? I invited her into that kind of situation even knowing that she struggles with alcoholism. Ugh I'm such an ass.


I'll apologize to her when I see her tomorrow.


Tonight marks 3 weeks sober for me! Hooray! ^.^ I shall celebrate by looking for a stray kitten to play with!
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Unread 12-24-2013, 11:38 AM   #47
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dripdrop, people places & things can take us places where we don't want to go. I'm glad that you made it without drinking.
Maybe a good New Years resolution would be to promise yourself to think through the 1st drink.
You have 3 weeks sober. Keep adding days to that one day at a time.
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Unread 12-24-2013, 09:11 PM   #48
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Dripdrop. I think that you are just asking for trouble. Stay away from the bars and pubs for awhile. I have been sober for 115 days, and I still would not go near one. I know that I am not strong enough. Recognize that the ONLY reason you said no last night was because of the medicine. If you keep putting images that glorify alcoholism into your mind, and into your everyday life, it will not be long before you chunk the medicine out the window and start drinking again. Stop playing with fire, before you get burned. I say this because I want you to stay sober, and I want to see you win this thing! You have what it takes! Blessings and Merry Christmas!

Michael
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Unread 12-27-2013, 11:06 AM   #49
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Hello Dripdrop, bright blessings to you. How are you getting on?

I totally agree with Saint and R Lee.

A wise old owl once said to me, back in the day when i set out to be sober, that after a few weeks i would think i was "average" and i could go to places by choice, where alcohol was. I was amoungst other alcoholics that were in the same place. We would come to group and delight in saying how we had been around alcohol and not had a drink. Chuffed to bits we were.

However this wise old owl whom we all wanted his praise, would simply sit shaking his head.

Of course mouth almighty here had to ask him what his problem was. He simply said,

"if you sit in a barbars long enough...you'll get your haircut". When asked what on earth he was talking about, (of course now it is as clear as day), he would only add, "if you don't want your hair cut.....why sit in a barbars?"

I am far from being too proud to say that on a daily basis i avoid all places alcohol are sold, where they are consumed as best i can. It is a concious choice because i know in the face of alcohol i am weak. The further apart me....and it.....the better. All those that want me in their life, have me in their life and are a part of my life all to a man. woman and child, support me staying out of alcohols way, and to be honest...it opens up so much more that is...the rest of life.

You are doing so well my friend, try to avoid danger for you as much as poss.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong Dripdrop. Loveness to you.
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Unread 01-19-2014, 01:58 AM   #50
dripdrop
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Hi all. It's been awhile,, hey? Hope everyone is ok. Thanks for that post, tryn. Since I last posted I've only been out clubbing once and I managed not to driink caause I'm still on the disulfiram.

I also had another liver function test.. The numbers were up and down from the previous test, but nothing to worry about, so I'm happyy about thhat. I'm still taking the meds everyday and still feeking iinspired about it.

My relaationship with my brothers is slowly imprroving, too. My pastor keeps askingg me if Im still on the wagon, when I speak to him. It pinches a bit that he does that, but I understand where he's coming from. It will take a long time to.rebuild trust.

Ok im late for sumthing. Be back later
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