Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 10-12-2013, 05:29 PM   #101
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

So...it's been a while since I posted. It's been quiet since a few days after my surgery. My ex son-in-law brought my grandson into town to visit me. With my husband's help, he spent one night with us. I didn't tell my daughter he was here; we just didn't talk those days. She called me after he left and was angry because she figured out they were in the area. She asked me if I saw him and I froze - why, I'm not sure. I let her think I had talked to him but didn't admit he had been here. She accused me of being disloyal for not telling her. I was defensive and told her if she only wanted to yell at me, not to call me. I haven't heard from her in almost 2 weeks. I can't believe I so totally failed. I am feeling guilty and sad. I want to make amends but I'm not sure how to start.
Then things happen like today...had to swap out a wireless device on our cell phone account and had to pay out of pocket. I remembered she had used all the upgrades on our account and I had to pay several hundred dollars in early termination fees to get her off my account. I was angry at her all over again and was ok with not talking to her for two weeks.
I'm pretty sure she has been sober for the last month since she left the crazy scene behind ad has been staying with an older family friend of her ex.
I don't talk to my husband & family about this stuff because they'd prefer I just write her off. I miss her and I can't stop thinking about her...
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-12-2013, 10:21 PM   #102
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL, You answered the phone & took her call. Now she can come back & say you lied to her you about seeing your grandson son.

You are letting her get you in web.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (10-13-2013)
Unread 10-13-2013, 01:04 AM   #103
theswan
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,617
Default

Can't stop thinking about her? I am not a father nor was I ever involved with raising children (other then being the best uncle I can be to my three nieces and a few years working with autistic children) but that statement seems like you think it is odd that you have her on your mind; Am I correct in my assumption?

I mean heck, you not only have a daughter who lives away from you but you have a child who suffers (one could argue if it be self imposed. I believe yeah maybe at least in part because although we did not wish this disease upon our heads, once we know of treatment and twelve step groups, the onus falls upon us to "fix" the problem) the disease of alcoholism with it's hidden dangers. So yeah it seems natural to think of her often.

I wish I had a wand to make it all better but all I can offer is my story and I must have broken my moms heart and knowing the pain I caused made me that much more willing to live the twelve steps and practice a better way of life. My mom died before I got sober at the age of 56 and I was still able to make amends at graveside. I am sober in my 26th year and know that treatment works and will work for all.

Live well, honestly and always take the highground and leave the outcomes to God's good judgement.
My wife and her mom while not in an alcoholic codependancy still have major issues and it breaks my heart to see the anger she has for mom. Again, I have no answers but offer this and you must have heard it before-work on taking care of you and leave your daughter to her spiritual Mother. In other words, she has a higher power even if she denies it.

God bless

Glen
theswan is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to theswan For This Useful Post:
Thank You (10-13-2013)
Unread 10-13-2013, 08:31 AM   #104
RIX
Member
 
Posts: 95
Default

Hello OHIL~

We learn as we go along in this process of having an addict in our family. Please give yourself some grace and use it as a learning experience... that is the way good can come from something that seems so bad.

As for the other comments in your recent post: I wanted to ask since you have mentioned that "she seems sober" a few times in your most recent posts... is she in some kind of treatment/consoling? Is she working a program? If yes, I would expect more healthy perspective and responses from her. If she is not I would be surprised if she is sober... sorry to be blunt about that but I have watched myself and other addicts in my family not follow a program and just go back to "acting" sober without tangible support/treatment.

In any case weather she is sober or not she has no right to try to put you on a guilt trip for seeing your grandson! You have honored commitments and behaved consistent with a person who should be a part of this boys life... she has not! She gave that away for the addiction. As the others have said just be honest with her, you have not done anything wrong. Her manipulation of making you feel like a criminal and disloyal is crap... she gave it away. She will see that is truth someday.

I'm sorry this is just such a battle month after month... but you are learning and growing and will continue to do so. You don't have to take her calls or texts. If you decide to do so it is important to be honest, be aware of how she manipulates, then continue to set and hold strong to clear boundaries.

Just some of my thoughts...

Blessings OHIL

rix
RIX is offline   Reply With Quote
3 Users Say Thank You to RIX For This Useful Post:
Thank You (10-13-2013), Thank You (10-13-2013), Thank You (10-13-2013)
Unread 10-13-2013, 04:25 PM   #105
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Rix, Well said. Better than my blunt statement.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (10-13-2013)
Unread 10-13-2013, 06:10 PM   #106
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

R. Lee, I knew what you meant. Thank you for reminding me to protect myself!
Swan, the pain of the past comes through in your words but offers hope for my daughter to recover...thank you! I want a relationship with her that is healthy and hope that it happens before it's too late for us. Al Anon has taught me I can't control her or what happens and that I need to focus on me since that's all I can control. Thinking about her all the time will consume me if I let it. It's a constant battle within to find balance in my life.
Rix, life has a way of reminding us we still need to work at things, doesn't it? I don't believe she's in a program although she says she reads the Big Book and has been doing service work at a food pantry. You're probably right that she IS drinking but I would expect her physical symptoms to manifest pretty quickly. She was in very bad shape when she was drinking and since it's progressive I think she'd be back in the hospital. Her attitude and thinking are the same as when she was deep into it though. She has moments of clarity but will turn on me in seconds.
I feel sad at the way things have turned out but as you say, she created the situation DESPITE all my efforts to prevent it. She hasn't contacted me since I told her not to and perhaps I should leave it alone. But, I am considering sending her an email to tell her I'm sorry for lying and that I love her...I hate that I lied about her son, of all things. It was so, so stupid.
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-13-2013, 08:00 PM   #107
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL, My suggestion is don't contact her. Let her hit her bottom & make sobriety her number priority.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (10-14-2013)
Unread 11-04-2013, 10:20 PM   #108
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

Much has transpired and yet so little has really changed with my daughter. We talk only once in a while now. The drama is mostly gone but I miss her...and I know she feels isolated. Still, it hasn't been enough for her to start trying to rebuild her life. It's possible she has been sober for a couple of months now but her thinking is still the same. She sees herself as the victim of all that has happened and she still wants the prize before the work - her son back. She sent a birthday text to me and offered she might send Thanksgiving wishes the next time I hear from her. I want to help her but every contact beyond pleasantries seems to turn toxic. I hope if she ever turns the corner to a productive life, I'll know what to do...
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-05-2013, 01:55 PM   #109
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL. Stay strong. There is a difference between not drinking & being a dry drunk.

I will share at meetings that today I don't have a drinking problem, I have a thinking problem.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-30-2013), Thank You (11-05-2013)
Unread 11-30-2013, 12:25 AM   #110
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

Hope everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving. I spent it with our other children and that was great. I didn't see my daughter or talk to her and I fought with myself over whether to invite her to dinner but ended up not doing it. I did text her but she didn't respond. I struggle daily with deciding whether to try to talk to her or let it alone. The past several times have turned toxic because she still sees herself as the victim. I keep hoping she'll start counseling or something but she hasn't. Is it possible for her to recover without going to a counselor? I miss her so much and with the holidays being a family time, I'm dreading them.
The last time I spoke with her, I asked her where I could send a Christmas gift since she didn't want to meet in person. She replied thanks but she'd pass on any gifts. I don't know what to do for the holidays. I don't know where she is living for sure and she won't tell me.
I feel so many emotions - sadness, despair, fear, anger, and yet a glimmer of hope...
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to OHIL For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-19-2013)
Unread 11-30-2013, 08:28 AM   #111
RIX
Member
 
Posts: 95
Default

OHIL~

Thank You for the update!! I am glad to hear that you were able to have a nice Thanksgiving with your family despite her absence.

To your question: "Is it possible for her to get sober without a counselor?"... in my opinion yes. In fact that is how I got sober- I did not go to a counselor nor to AA... I did however find a church in my town that was/is really good at helping people with emotional issues, pain, past hurts. I also strongly believe that God pulled me out of the pit I was in. That is just my story, not saying that is the only path. My brother for example thus far has not pursued any sort of church support ever despite my 4 years of sobriety as a very close example. So we just never know what is going to "hit home" and start the process of change. Either way... I believe that God is with the struggling addict and is work in and around them... they just have to choose to turn.

I am sorry for the anxiety and pain this is causing. I truly hope you can find peace during the Christmas season upon us. She knows you are there, that you love her! My input would be to let her be... she knows how to reach you when she is ready... until that time my thoughts and prayers are with you and her.

Blessings-

rix
RIX is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to RIX For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-30-2013), Thank You (12-01-2013)
Unread 11-30-2013, 08:37 PM   #112
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL. I agree there are several ways to sobriety.

Your daughter still seems to be calling the shots.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-02-2013)
Unread 12-02-2013, 09:14 PM   #113
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

Thanks to you both, Rix and R. Lee. She is just so stubborn and focused so yes, R. Lee, she's calling the shots or trying to. If she would put that stubbornness and energy into her sobriety and rebuilding her life, she'd be well on her way. It's so frustrating.
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to OHIL For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-19-2013)
Unread 12-08-2013, 06:54 AM   #114
RIX
Member
 
Posts: 95
Default

Hello OHIL - I hope you are well and that perhaps sometime soon the stubbornness subsides and she is able to see the depth of where she is at.

You are in our thoughts and prayers!

rix
RIX is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to RIX For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-19-2013)
Unread 12-19-2013, 01:52 AM   #115
CRICKET5
Member
 
Posts: 90
Default

You are in my prayers..I know where you are coming from
CRICKET5 is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to CRICKET5 For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-19-2013)
Unread 12-19-2013, 11:15 PM   #116
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

Got a lesson in patience again this week...had been talking with my daughter a little and we were making slow and cautious progress. Then Wednesday came and the bottom fell out. She called me and insisted I was not to help her ex by taking care of my grandson in any way or she would disown me and never speak to me again. I should have said goodbye then but asked instead what she was talking about...she proceeded to descend into a rant where she blamed me, her family and her ex for all her troubles. After telling her she needed to take responsibility for herself, work a program of her choice, get some counseling and get a job, I finally came to my senses and told her unless she could talk to me in a respectful, calm way, I was done with the conversation. We both hung up. I'm sad she seems to have regressed and is probably drinking again. Her thinking is so convoluted; she tried to tell me she had already received sufficient counseling through the outpatient rehab she did while continuing to drink and the three weeks she spent in in-patient rehab. That'd be almost laughable if it wasn't such an indicator of her stinking thinking.
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to OHIL For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-24-2013)
Unread 12-20-2013, 08:18 PM   #117
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL. Typical alcoholic thinking. Even if she is not drinking she has as you said stinking thinking. Don't let her ruin your holidays.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-26-2013), Thank You (12-20-2013)
Unread 12-20-2013, 08:33 PM   #118
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

R.Lee,
Good to hear from you. I am sad, not angry. Her words sting in the moment but fade as I realize it's the alcoholic speaking. I will put her in a special place in my heart for a little while so I can enjoy the holidays with the rest of my family. I guess I had held out a little hope that she'd find her way in a few months to a year but now I realize that hope needs adjusting. I can only hold on to hope not a timeline. Coming to grips with the hugeness of this disease is still a work in progress for me. Hope your holidays are full of love and warmth...blessings to you.
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to OHIL For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-26-2013), Thank You (12-24-2013)
Unread 12-24-2013, 05:16 PM   #119
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

So grateful for this forum and the caring people who share their stories of despair, and strength, and hope. Wishing all of you peace, serenity, and love...Merry Christmas!
~ OHIL
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to OHIL For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-26-2013), Thank You (12-24-2013)
Unread 12-24-2013, 08:29 PM   #120
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL, The same to you. Have a great Christmas.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-26-2013), Thank You (12-24-2013)
Unread 01-23-2014, 10:27 PM   #121
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

Checking in with all of you to wish everyone a wonderful, peaceful New Year. It's been quiet for me since before Christmas. My daughter and I exchanged texts on Christmas but have not communicated since. I know that she is ok (safe from crime, warm, fed) but not much else. I miss her terribly but she hasn't made any progress toward recovery so I avoid her manipulation, angry outbursts, etc. by avoiding her. It's not that I actually avoid her - she hasn't called or contacted me in any way. An Al-Anon friend said the other day that she wasn't sure if she had set a boundary or built a wall. I'm not sure about the approach I've taken with my daughter either. Hope all is well with you here...
Peace to all,
~OHIL
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
4 Users Say Thank You to OHIL For This Useful Post:
Thank You (01-28-2014), Thank You (01-24-2014), Thank You (01-24-2014), Thank You (01-24-2014)
Unread 01-24-2014, 11:40 AM   #122
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL, You are doing the right thing. I'm glad you are using Al-Anon.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-30-2014, 09:39 PM   #123
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

I thought it time for an update, its been almost three months since I last posted. I decided to let my daughter contact me when she was ready. She went for a little over 6 weeks before texting me to say she might be in my area on a Sunday and wanted to know if I was interested in meeting. I agreed but on the day it was to happen she texted again calling it off and suggested maybe another time. I next heard from her about two weeks later via email. It was a newsy kind of exchange and amicable. She then texted me last week again, this time just reminiscing about old times and telling me she was going to help the mother of her boyfriend get through chemotherapy. I think she was reaching out because the mortality of the situation struck home with her. She was jovial and amiable until I said I enjoyed hearing from her but was going to have to stop texting and drive to my Al Anon meeting. She abruptly quit with a simple "Ok, bye." I'm expecting hate mail soon because I received a late night text last Friday asking if I wanted to have lunch with my grandson the next day as he would be in town. I agreed and did - but she was over 100 miles away and didn't get to see him. I don't think her ex even let her know he was here. I didn't either because I knew she was out of town and I expect she will hold me accountable for that. I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to see him just because she couldn't/didn't. He left the next day (Sunday) to go back to the state where he is staying with his aunt & uncle.
She still has not done any counseling that I know of but she seems to be otherwise stable. She says she will go back to work after the chemo is done. I think she is comfortable enough not to feel like she has to do anything now. She still thinks she only needs to hire a lawyer to get her son back and because she doesn't have any money, she's the victim of her ex, her family, the court system, etc. While its sad and frustrating when one considers her lack of action, I understand its her decision. I'm just taking one day at a time.
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to OHIL For This Useful Post:
Thank You (03-31-2014)
Unread 03-30-2014, 10:27 PM   #124
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL, Thanks for the update. You sound like your are handling this pretty well.

Keep up with Al Anon. It works if you work it. You are not alone.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-01-2014)
Unread 05-24-2014, 11:17 PM   #125
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

Time to check in with my friends and bring you up to date on my situation. It's been a year now and I have not seen my daughter in all that time. Although I don't know exactly where she lives, I think she's less than 30 miles from me. We talk, text or email occasionally but that's it. I attend Al Anon most weeks and have been working through the steps with my sponsor. There is a certain emptiness in my heart where my relationship with my baby girl should be. Her 35th birthday was this week. I sent her a card via a friend of hers and she got it. She sent me an email to say thank you. Most of the time she sounds normal until she talks about her son. She rants about not being able to talk to him and says he's told to lie to her. I don't know if that's true but either way, I don't engage her when she rants. I've looked at emails I've sent her months ago and thought about re-sending some of them - she may be in a better place to understand them now. She's still living with the guy who took her in last year and it has apparently progressed to a romantic relationship. I'm grateful she's safe and her health has vastly improved but I think she's "comfortable" now so feels no need to actively work a program or get counseling. I don't think she's drinking -- she wouldn't be able to sustain it without serious impact to her health. I am still sad, sometimes angry, and miss her terribly. It's hard to think this is the way things will be for the rest of our lives. I am able to get through most days with only a few random thoughts of her and there are actually days when its evening before they creep into my brain. I don't know if I'd call it serenity yet but it IS more peaceful in my life. My grandson is supposed to be moving back the to area some time in the next few weeks but I don't think his father is ready to be a full time father. My husband and I offered to take him in and let him go to school here so his father (and maybe his mother eventually) could spend time with him. He's with his father's sister and family so its not a bad family situation but, he doesn't see either of his parents.
I hope everyone has been blessed with good health and peaceful lives. Looking forward to hearing from you all.
OHIL
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 05-25-2014, 02:22 PM   #126
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL, Thanks for the update. I am happy that you have a support group to lean on. You know you are not alone.

Yes it hurts not to see your daughter, but that is her actions not yours.

It is what it is & in another year things might change. We take it one day at a time.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
3 Users Say Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (05-29-2014), Thank You (07-12-2014), Thank You (05-26-2014)
Unread 05-29-2014, 11:47 PM   #127
CRICKET5
Member
 
Posts: 90
Default

OHIL, I understand everything you said. I think that, 'is this the way its going to be', where did we go wrong,and the loss of the relationship. It hurts really bad ,that literally my heart aches,the tears well up and I cant make this go away. My prayers are so with you
CRICKET5 is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to CRICKET5 For This Useful Post:
Thank You (07-12-2014)
Unread 07-12-2014, 03:12 PM   #128
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

Hello friends, just wanted to share a little today. Its not been a good couple of weeks...hard to know where to start. My grandson moved back to the area with his dad -- a good thing to be able to see him regularly. My daughter started asking me for information about what her ex was doing, what were their plans, etc. She still is not in a program of recovery so her thinking is still manipulative, obsessive, and volatile. After 5 texts and a phone call in 20 minutes, I emailed her and told her I was not going to be her information conduit or the intermediary between her and her ex. I also asked her to stop the drama of all the texts and calls. She unleashed a rant on me via email that took us all the way back to the beginning. She says she survived the lowest part of her life ALONE and that I failed her in every way from the day she was born. I didn't respond. I know its the disease, and its not true, but it hurt none the less. As I read through my earlier posts, I am reminded of my feelings of hopelessness for recovery for her and realize they have returned. So sad...
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to OHIL For This Useful Post:
Thank You (07-12-2014)
Unread 07-12-2014, 07:27 PM   #129
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL, Sorry your daughter is still out there.

Her rants do tear at your heart. You are doing the right thing by not getting involved between her & your grandson & his dad.

Stay strong. You are not alone. We are here for you.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (07-13-2014)
Unread 07-13-2014, 12:42 AM   #130
OHIL
Member
 
OHIL's Avatar
 
Posts: 61
Default

R. Lee,
Thanks for your support. You are so focused and reliable to respond to everyone here with words of strength and affirmation. It's good to know you are there for us. Thanks again.
OHIL is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-13-2014, 07:08 PM   #131
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

OHIL, Thank you. I do it because it helps me stay sober just for today.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (07-14-2014)
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:48 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors