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Unread 12-27-2016, 08:10 AM   #4951
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, what a very kind and compassionate young lady you are.

.....it hurts i can't do anything.....you say......reeeaaallyyy?......Surely you know how much thought and love you share with me means the world to me? W e DOOO so much for each other.

Here...ok it is not ...@hands on@.....yet it is @heart on.@

This is the most empowering family because of our dynamics, not despite them.

Well my dear brothers and sisters, that was a very, very long night. Good grief. However i skyped with my dear Milan this morning. He is a magical human being. He incorporates all that we are. When he shares with me he could be any of you at any given time. He is off to Croatia tomorrow. When he comes back he lands in London and will be coming down to see me with his wife.

We thanked each other for the work we have done together this year. Seriously, since i have been invited to be a part of this family...(is it 4...or 5 years?).....i have...in hindsight....changed almost beyond all recognition. It is ironic that my physical health has collapsed, yet sobriety has rebuilt my soul.

I suppose it is why i feel so passionate about those that struggle so. If you live long enough, you will end up feeling like i do with sobriety. So very strong.

Luck has sooo much to do with life.

My dear, dear Sam suggesting i must have been hit with such force to cause these injuries. It wasn't gentle for sure....yet from behind only did my ribs with the handlebars...the significant elbow and fingers thing was simply having the bad luck to fall on concrete and curb. 6 ft either way would have not resulted in this.

As my dear Milan shared with me this morning, @it is what it is@...(i am using @ as speech commas for now)....the upside is it may well be what it is....yet i am who i am. I am now feeling grateful for the journey i have had rather than @looking back in anger@ which i have always done. This family, my family to me, did not take my anger away....you have loved me so much i have learnt how to take it away.....deal with it myself. ..........

.......1 day at a time isn't just for alcohol you know.

So i am dosed up to the eyeballs which kinda numbs me. Gosh it makes me feel nauseous, yet i am coping. I am coping really well. The home help i was hoping for is a no-goer, only because i have to be assessed at home first, then a care package sorted and the whole shebang, because of the time of year IT could easily take 6 weeks. Welp i won't ****ing need it then will i? (FFKS).....never mind.

Good news. My boy Ant has a job in Scotland. In Dundee. As my pinky writes this he is on a train. He has his suitcase, and i gave him a rucksack full of pride from me. When he rang me to say he had got the train, (a rare commodity in dear ole blighty at the mo), and asked him if he remembered the rucksack full of pride i gave him..and he said...

@you've always been a nutter, now i know you're a lovely one@.....Awwweee.

Ant is surely growing up. So, so proud of him.

My Louise is so very happy in her new job, bought Aaliyah a smart phone...(she's 9 for goodness sake.....and breathe) for christmas, and i get 40 messages a day. You know.....@love you@.....yup, i love you to Aaliyah......2 mins later....@love you more@....and so it goes on.

Now you tell ME how lucky Tryn is.

I have been truly blessed. I am the luckiest bod on this planet. I am simply because i have want any other bod would want.

Sobriety and smoke free....(starting point)....A home, the children, my dear ole Rolo and 1 arm that works. Result.

Talking of Rolo.......he's one crafty fellow so he is. He has worked out i am lame....can not use my voice in the way i usually do.....and is most certainly taking advantage. Rather than getting cross, (so long as he is safe)...i think....@that's the boy@. Last night he never got off my bed. All night. He knew i was struggling so and made sure his body was leaning on my good side. I did not need to tell him which side was good. He knows.

At 6am...sooooooo tender was i, i could not hold his lead. I had to trust him. I walk at the mo....barely moving. Normally i let the ole fella off.....and off he trots. About 20-30 yrds infront of me, sniffing his way. I was worried that if i had to call him back from 30 yrds away if another dog was coming, there was nothing i would be able to do if he chose to be naughty and ignore me. HHHHmmmmm, big call.

I let him off.....and i thought he had not realised i had unclipped his lead because i did it so tenderly because of.....and said to him....@well go on then@........he looked at me.....and sat down.

Eh? i thought to myself....@whats the matter fella?@...i continued my very slow walk and he matched me stride for slow stride.

Lucky?

You betcha.

This has taken me forever and my neck is hurting. Time to stop.

Tryn is going to have a lie down this afternoon. I have never done that in 50 years. I do believe i might be getting old.

Have a great day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-27-2016, 08:52 AM   #4952
Alexis
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Hey Tryn, just checking up on you Rolo seems to be taking care of you, walking by your side like he did this morning, how wonderful.

Give yourself a nice nap, lay down and relax. You deserve it. I hope you heal quickly and strongly.

Im by your side like Rolo is.

xxx
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Unread 12-27-2016, 12:23 PM   #4953
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Everything you do will help you get better, because of your good attitude and positive ways. Lots of hugs to you and Rolo.
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Unread 12-27-2016, 12:35 PM   #4954
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So sorry to hear about the accident & broken arm & ribs. The most important info from you is that you have not mentioned picking up a drink over this. I am so proud of your sobriety.

I am well. Spent Christmas down state visiting 2 daughters their husbands & my grandchildren.

Lots of love & HUGS!!
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Unread 12-28-2016, 04:31 AM   #4955
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, you made me a bit tearful there in the way you shared you were by my side. The way you picked up how Rolo was being and in my heart in that moment Rolo was on one side, your good self on the other.

Thank you my dearest Lost Dog. Pain is a great disabler, however trying to be positive is a great enabler. I can be this way as all my life i was angry and with that anger positivity is impossible. These days i feel i have so much positivity to catch up on, it is rare now i am any different.

My dear R Lee, thank you. To be in this place with my injurys, to be feeling somewhat alone with it all, and as you know my feelings for you,....... for you to be proud of my sobriety truly means everything to me. I have something to say about it.

There are times through my sobriety where alcohol comes into my alcoholic mind, i use my experience and this family at those times and chose sobriety. Sometimes that is difficult. So for me there is @thinking@ about drinking, and choosing not to. At this time the thought has not crossed my mind. Re smoking, that is now easy as i can't because of my lungs. If i wanted to i could get as drunk as a skunk.....i don't want to. I want to heal my dear R Lee, not just the physical injurys i have at the moment, moreover i am on a journey of healing inside me. I have a very long way to go, yet i am aware i am well on the way and most definitely on the right path. I have worked bloomin' hard to get here as you know, i have worked to hard to throw away in a fit of pique.

I have tried to build many things in my life, got half way through, then destroyed what i had been building. I do not think i have been this protective of myself before. My sobriety is the key to the door to the rest of what's left of my life. Every single morning, like now...it is 9am in my dear ole Blighty and as you know the mornings with injurys are the most painful. Yet i sit at my computer with my little pinky working overtime in ym gorgeously warm little home. The Christmas tree lights twinkling away, a great bighairy beast at my feet, food in my fridge and this beautiful family. I do not know how it is that my days are soaked in gratitude, not soaked in alcohol anymore. It is like alcohol shut my eyes tight through my life and this sustained sobriety simply empowers me to open my eyes and more importantly my minds eye and my heart.

As a human bod, as an alcoholic, alcohol shuts me down....all of me. To cope, to manage all this shit, i need all of me and my eyes wide open. I am far from complacent, i know complacency is a killer and it is why my mantra really is 1 day at a time. I will never say i will never drink again simply because i am an alcoholic. What makes the whole shebang possible for me is that i will not drink today. Simple as that.

Do you remember my dear R Lee....those years ago sharing with our dear Saint to me, "keep it simple?"........

I got there in the end.

I am delighted you have had family time this Christmas. It has been one hell of a year for you. To end it with family is so very special. Then again the way i see it these days is special things happen to special people.

It is freezing cold with bright, bright sunshine today in my dear ole Blighty. My body is terribly sore yet i look upon each day as another day closer to healing. The oxygen is doing its thing and i am coping. It is difficult, yet it was always going to be. It does not mean i can not still get the most out of the day that has been gifted to me. I believe if one does what one can, you will get something different each day. If you do what you have always done you will always get what you have got, as they say.

Forgive me at this time for not passing by my brothers and sisters homes at this time to share, i am reading you all, just at this time this is about all i can manage. It is somewhat selfish as it is so very precious to me to share with you all as much as i can at this time as just by sharing with you gives me all the strength i need.

So thank you dear Alexis, dear Lost Dog and my dear, dear R Lee.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all
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Unread 12-28-2016, 04:39 AM   #4956
Alexis
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Morning Tryn, we know you are thinking about us and thats all that matters. It matters more than typing it out to us.

I hope your pain lessens as the day progresses, the warmth in your home will ease the bones im sure.

Its freezing here too and the ground is full of frost. But the sun is shining!

Love you Tryn, stay safe xx
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Unread 12-28-2016, 11:22 AM   #4957
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You are stopping by when you write. We all get the magic you share. Take care and stay warm today.
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Unread 12-29-2016, 09:08 AM   #4958
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, my dearest Lost Dog thank you soooo much.

I don't want to deviate from the Tryn you all know, however i now have an abscess and an appointment at 4.45pm. It is 2pm.

I'm deviating from normal simply because i can't take anymore. I really don't. Pain is now unmanageable on my todd here with dear ole Rolo.

This next sentence is really for my dear Alexis as she will know exactly what i am talking about and i just can not explain it at he moment.

Dear Alexis, i got my ESA....AND...DLA>> PIP....reassessment forms today in the same post. I can't believe my luck, i really can't.

I have a face like a baloon, a ****ed up arm, broken ribs, broken fingers, a leg that does not work, blood still coming out of both ends, an oxygen tank and i am really, i mean really struggling here. The only reason i refuse to be admitted to hospital is i know i will die there. #....It's not going to happen.

I am asking myself this....not you.....

HELP!!!!!

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-29-2016, 09:45 AM   #4959
Alexis
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OH SHIT TRYN. ok, lets think....can you call the CAB to help with the forms? Or even better, call your local mental health charity, Mind? They helped me fill mine in (ok ok mine were rejected but you have a bigger case than i do) Mind helped a lot and took some strain off me. I know Citizens Advice will help too. Dont do this alone Tryn.

Regarding abscess, in the tooth?? or where? Let us know how the appointment goes if you can.

why why why cant i come to help you? Nancy? Any chance?

Keep talking to us Tryn, the worst thing to do now is to isolate more. I know you wont, but even if its difficult, we are here to speak too.

Can your dog lady friends help out at all? The man next door? Dont be afraid to ask, you have people that care for you.

There is a charity near me, who have people to help people when they are ill, or living alone and cant do things, they send volunteers round. There MUST be something like that in Bristol. Do you think you could have a google around? I can look too for you?

You are the strongest man i know Tryn, i hope you understand that. Im being very serious, you and my dad, strong, loving, amazing men. I look up to you both.

Love you millions, always xx
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Unread 12-29-2016, 11:37 AM   #4960
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You need a physical person to help now. Call Joe or that sweet dog lady now. Or a help line for access. Alexis knows the way to do it. Please get better. Can't take you being ill....wishing and praying for you.
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Unread 12-29-2016, 11:49 AM   #4961
Alexis
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Tryn,

This is a free service:

If you need help to live in your own home after an incident or your health has changed rapidly, our reablement service lasts for up to six weeks. The Reablement Service offers short term help at home so you can carry on living in your own home and be as independent as possible.

https://www.bristol.gov.uk/social-ca...lement-service

Please give them a call, if you havent already and see what they can do!

x
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Unread 12-29-2016, 11:51 AM   #4962
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Oh, Tryn, I don't know what all those Cap letters are, but, am concerned why you think you will die if you go to hospital. All the things that are going on with you might get addressed properly if you were under medical care. Yes, I know about your concern for Rolo, but he needs you to get well too!! The dog lady will certainly take care of the boy for you while you heal. You are smart enough to be in control of your care while in hospital, making sure they do what needs to be done, but you do need care. You can get well in the hospital. So call the dog lady and ask for help for Rolo and ask them to take you to the hospital. We all want you to get better and you cannot do that staying at home alone. Please listen to your mum! Love, hugs, and prayers sent your way.

Alexis posted while I was, so yes, yes, yes, call that number right away. Thank you Alexis!!!!
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Unread 12-29-2016, 12:43 PM   #4963
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Hi

Really worried about you...
Age concern charity can help with form-filling...
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/bristol/our-...on-and-advice/
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Unread 12-29-2016, 02:16 PM   #4964
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Hi Little Brother, please let us know what's going on when you're able.

Looks like some really good advice / links / phone numbers were posted. Can you have one of your kids help you? How about the neighbor?

Sending hugs,

Big Sis
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Unread 12-29-2016, 03:44 PM   #4965
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Oh Tryn I wish I could help some way beside this site. You are in my thoughts all the time.

Lots of thoughts & HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Unread 12-29-2016, 05:27 PM   #4966
Tryntryagain
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My lovelinesses, especially Soapdish,....Soapdish thank you so much. That you have shared with me is so very special.

All of you, i did try earlier on, yet had to bail out. F**k me. I had written so much. I am at home with dear ole Rolo, my neighbour has been in to see me and took the chap for a stroll. I have antibiotics for the infection/abscess on my gum, periodontal. These pills will sort it for now appt next week.

I am always touched...i am so grateful for soapdish loving intervention. It touched me especially tonight. So deeply.

Sooo much...soooo ****ing much to deal with.

I am sorry that i shouted that this morning. I really was kicking myself up the bum. It has been relentless. It is why i felt every single hug not only from you all, yet from my.... where i always access my strength from.... my dear R Lee.

I have to say i never thought 1 day at a time meant this. Goodness i hurt.

Tomorrow is another day.

Please, please, please...whoever you are, wherever you are reading me from, .....please....think of your use.

Do you want this<<<?

I love you all terminally.

I will write to you all in the morning. Never has a @lifeline@ been exactly that.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-29-2016, 05:41 PM   #4967
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I hope you can sleep tonight my dear Little Brother. I know I'll sleep better knowing you're ok and your neighbor helped out.

With hugs and love,

Your Big Sis
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Unread 12-29-2016, 09:20 PM   #4968
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I'm glad you got some numbers and help. Sending lots of love, lots.
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Unread 12-30-2016, 02:15 AM   #4969
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Oh dear. I'm so worried. I hope you can get some rest and relief from your pain. Sending so much love.
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Unread 12-30-2016, 05:36 AM   #4970
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Good morning,
Has the neighbour popped in today?
Thinking of you a lot. I'll be back on line this evening. Wish I could make you a sweet cup of tea.
Big big hugs
PS. Is Rolo named after the chocolates? Loved those when I was a little girl
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Unread 12-30-2016, 06:18 AM   #4971
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How are you feeling this morning Tryn? Did you see my post yesterday? i really really think you should call the number, its free help for 6 weeks. x
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Unread 12-30-2016, 07:11 AM   #4972
Tryntryagain
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Good morning evertyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My darling big Sis, , dearest Alexis, dearest Lost Dog, dearest Millie and dear Soapdish, with you all, i will never, ever be unlucky.

How glad i am it is now daytime. Night time for me at the moment is a veritable journey so it is. It seems to go on forever.

Re your beautiful thoughts and practical hard work is more than appreciated. I am in a grey area...(no pun intended)...whereby i need to be over 55 to have the ear of charity's that help older people. As i am 50 my only course is via the Social Services after being referred by my GP. As i write i am waiting for the Practice Manager to contact me after i lost it with the surgery yesterday. I snapped at what i perceived to be not fit for purpose urgent request from myself. The phone conversation i had with someone who had a complete attitude problem....ummm...i was expecting some mweds to be delivered, they werent. I rang to ask, and she said they did not do that and did not know who told me that.

That was it...

You calling me a ****king liar?

What transpired after that makes my initial question seem the politest thing you ever heard, trust me. I only stopped because i could not breathe and putting the phone down realised i was shaking with so much rage i could not stand up. That is why i wrote my letter with ....help....yesterday morning.

I promise you, positivity is sometimes as hard to find as a 4 leaf clover. Yet my dearest brothers and sisters it is the belief in your heart that they are there.....that is hope.

On that pathway so i can report today the metronidazole is doing its stuff with this blasted abscess. My arm is completely under control re pain, the ribs are, as many of my brothers have known, there really is not much you can do. Just pain relief. Bcause these last 6 days have been the way they have i have been so terribly stressed and distressed, it has helped me none with my breathing. Sope, since yesterday i went back to my old rehab days, and sit in silence, and just breathe at rest. It is helping. My fingers have been broken so many times, i know what i am doing there. I can move the other 3 with no problem and no pain.

ESA/DLA/PIP....thank for your advice my dear Alexis yet i have to confess i know what to do, yesterday was really a .........i can't ****ing believe this......sheer exasperation. I thought i had run out of all i was. I thought i had no more i could take on. Nothing left.

When i read the letters to me, i cried. Boy did i cry.

That crying gave me the strength i needed. Like i said last night....a kick up the bum.

My faboulous Mum Nan, i can't do it now, yet when recharged...later... (i'm shattered)i will write to you and explain the hospital admission/asking for help thing going on. Bless you.

Rolo is being the wise ole soul his is. It is freezing in my dear ole blighty, i could not possibly be cold. The dear chap is keeping me company, keeping my heart open, love as our ambiance, and we rest together. I am so very, very lucky.

Just 1 quick thing. I have been thinking alot about my, and our, dear Sam. He gives me so much strength.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-30-2016, 11:26 AM   #4973
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Tryn i dont think you have to be 'older' to ask for help from the people i told you about. It is 'Adults and Older people' so i assume its anyone?

Keep plugging away, you are doing amazing, remember that xx
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Unread 12-30-2016, 01:12 PM   #4974
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Thinking of you lots today, Tryn. I so wish I could fix it.
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Unread 12-30-2016, 02:06 PM   #4975
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I wish I could fix it too right now. I'm glad you are feeling some
what better, very glad.
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Unread 12-30-2016, 02:38 PM   #4976
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Hi my dear Little Brother, good to hear the meds are starting to work on your abscess. As for the way you're treated by medical 'professionals'? I won't go there.

I'm holding out hope that the Practice Manager has some good news/help for you. Let us know when you're up to it.

(((Big hugs)))

Big Sis
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Unread 12-30-2016, 07:45 PM   #4977
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Glad to hear the meds are helping. I wish I had answers for the rest of your frustration. At a time like this we must think through that 1st. urge to drink.

All I can give you is LOVE & HUGS!
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Unread 12-31-2016, 05:51 AM   #4978
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Dearest Alexis, Millie, Lost Dog, Big Sis and my dear R. Lee, each of you a gift in my life.

Nothing from the surgery, yet to be fair I am one huge pain in the arse so no doubt it will take time and on this day New Years Eve, I shall not bang on about being a tad poorly. I am another day towards healing.

No, today I wish only to share how much this family has supported, loved, understood and guided me through this year. How grateful I am words do not belong to. I have ended the year with a new companion in my dear, dear ole Rolo and I have a beautiful little home. I end the year a sober man, and for all my trials and tribulations, together we have found pathways and solutions. Whatever the issue, there are always pathways to change.

As, at the end of the day it is addiction to alcohol that has brought us together and so today/tonight and tomorrow it seems poignant to share around that with you all.

Something that has helped me personally to sustain my sobriety a day at a time is by specifically thinking ahead around alcohol. As an example, if any of my brothers and sisters are tempted at this challenging time of year I would ask you to spend a moment thinking ahead.

Saturday.....New Years Eve. The alcoholic thinks....I GOTTA have at least a little drink....'cos its NEW YEARS EVE...INNIT?

Why?

Did you feel that drink was justified last Saturday?......What about next Saturday?

Ask yourself....hmmmm....say Monday coming when you try to stop drinking....again.....would you take those 2 days back.....and do them again sober?

Please....I am NOT preaching, simply asking you to think about yourselves. What do YOU really want? It is not easy....I know....it is hard for me sometimes to. However I had made my choice, I trust myself and I think of the taste..(yuk)....then I think of what is does to me. I have not chosen to be sober all through this festive season....just today...tomorrow I start again with my choice. Bite sized chunks makes sobriety not only doable for me, yet actually enjoyable.

So my lovelinesses, thank you for such a close and loving year between us all, thank you for empowering me to feel strong and relish the new year soon to dawn, and whatever you are doing over this period of time, enjoy yourselves, spare a thought for those less fortunate than us and know that I love you all from the very depths of my heart and soul.

Happy New Year.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all
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Unread 12-31-2016, 09:28 AM   #4979
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Happy new year Tryn, have a wonderful evening with Rolo. I love you so much, thanks for all your help and advice this year xx
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Unread 12-31-2016, 12:24 PM   #4980
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Spot on Tryn. Have a great New Year!

Last edited by R. Lee; 12-31-2016 at 12:28 PM..
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Unread 12-31-2016, 03:09 PM   #4981
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Happy new year to you too, thank you so much for your wonderfulness you share and give. You are such an inspiration!
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Unread 12-31-2016, 07:05 PM   #4982
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Hi Little Brother, as I just posted to Alexis, Happy New Year to you already in the new year. I hope this new year brings you much better health, happiness, and peace.

My hugs are old news as it's still 2016 here! But I'm sending them anyways!

Your Big Sis
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Unread 12-31-2016, 10:19 PM   #4983
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I wish the same for you as Nancy. Thinking of you.
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Unread 01-01-2017, 06:09 AM   #4984
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you on this 1st day of 2017.

My dearest Alexis, my dear R Lee, dearest Lost Dog, my big Sis and dearest Millie, a very happy new year to you all.

Another day closer to healing...a way to go for sure yet 1 step, 1 day at a time.

Tryn and dear ole Rolo are just drying out after our morning walk. Down South where i live in my dear ole Blighty so it is hammering down with rain. Very mild although the rather nice weather lady said that by this evening temps will have gone from + 10-11 degrees this morning to an overnight temp of minus 4. The rest of the week will be heavy frosts and bright, cold and bracing days. How lovely.

Dear Rolo has a new toy so he does. As my arm is in a sling when i dress up to go out, the left sleeve of my coat dangles empty, and the dear ole chap thinks i am playing a game with him and trots at my side try to grab the empty swinging arm. It is all jolly good fun until he actually manages to get hold of it....then....not quite so jolly as yelping and trying to get him to LEAVE....at the same time not much fun. However how can i deny the ole fella that fun?

Now, what with tons of meds and whatnot there wasn't a chance Tryn can make it much past 9pm......let alone see the new year in. I awoke this morning to a load of midnight messages on my phone from the children which made my heart smile from 1 continent to another so large was my internal grin. I wrote to Jakey boy in prison before i went to bed as now his release date is now months, not years. (23rd November 2017) If i my health plays ball this year the crescendo of letters to him will be for him to come and live with me on his release. He says he wants to.....he says he has put that life behind him, yet the lad seems oblivious to the fact that his sisters have been telling me all about his goings on, so we shall just have to wait and see. I am looking forward so very much going along with Ant in Feb to visit him.

In the next 18 days i have an appointment with..the dentist....GP......the fracture clinic...the cardiologist, oncology consultant re polyps, orthopedics re my leg....the lung people for scans and tests and physiotherapy. So what i thought i might do is write to them .....hire a van.....and set up camp on a corridor somewhere in the hospital for a month with my dear ole Rolo and when i haven't actually got an appointment i can rattle a tin in the hope of raising enough money to pay for da van...

Seriously though, calmness, attentiveness, awareness, kindness, humour and respect should see me nicely through this little journey. It is also not lost on me i am lucky to at least stand a chance of pathways with that lot going on.

It is impossible for me to truly be able to communicate the dreadful state of our NHS.....referred to 2 days ago by 1 of the NHS's top bananas that the NHS should stand for....National Hangover Service such the impact of alcohol on it. The latest stats that 40% of all A+E admissions are alcohol related. You now have a 30% chance of picking up a bug if admitted, and that bedblocking, (which is when you are well enough to go home yet can not as there is no funding for care packages to look after you at home) is at epidemic proportions, and that when an out of hours Dr came to see me a few nights ago at home and gave me an anti sickness injection actually said to me....

Normarilly i would have you back in....but trust me....you really don't want to go there. You'll be lucky to get in...and even luckier to get out.

OOOkkkkaayy.

Nan, Mum...all of that is what i wanted to share with you re being admitted. I could walk in today and be admitted.

Another thing is that it is common knowledge now that such are the strains on the hospital staff, familys and friends are almost expected to do the looking after stuff. Food, cleanliness et al. You have no one to visit you?....You're ****ed. End of. I have resorted to shuffling around my home on my bottom for a day or 2 rather than the alternative. I live here with Rolo, i will die here and inbetween i shall stay here almost at all costs. There are disturbing story's in the press from paramedics who say there is a sharp rise in folk of all ages begging them not to take them in. It is a very sad state of affairs. One could be forgiven for thinking the only people who actually turn up at A+E....the staff automatically know they are smashed as nobody in their right mind would turn up at this time otherwise.

Then there is the big picture....much bigger picture.

Nothing that happens to me in the rest of my life will ever leave me feeling unlucky. Nothing. I should not be here. Certainly not with a lovely little home, a gorgeous old dog and my sobriety. Nobody can take those things away from me.

If you were to say to me on any part of my journey i could have those things, i would say to you if i did.....i would never ask for anything again. I am true to my word.

As 2017 begins so i feel a very, very lucky man. I hope you feel lucky to.

Have a safe and warm New Years Day.

Be peaceful, be heathy and be strong. Loveness to all
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Unread 01-01-2017, 01:01 PM   #4985
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Tryn, you're amazing. Just amazing. I do hope 2017 sees some healing for you.
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Unread 01-01-2017, 01:07 PM   #4986
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Tryn, like Millie says, you are amazing and i hope 2017 will fill you with joy, love, everything you deserve.

Love to you xx
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Unread 01-01-2017, 02:02 PM   #4987
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Happy New Year to you Tryn!! Yikes, I am so sorry to hear the terrible truth about the NHS. Yes I see now why you were, and are, so reluctant to go. Just like in the USA, if you have the money health care is no problem. Governments pass these so-called "help" legislations to provide health care for "all"(they really mean the poor) yet the government officials have their own health care and they do not care that the NHS is so non-functioning. It is really pitiful. If your Parliament members and our Congress would have to experience what the "common" people face there might be some changes made. Oh I get so exasperated about it all. And now you, who really needs the best of care, is left trying to fend for yourself and Rolo. GRRR! Yet I know how strong you are, and smart, and you will continue to take care of the both of you while you heal. And, you will heal. There, done with my rant!

I feel hopeful as this new year blossoms. It is a new start and the old stuff is behind me. Resolutions? Always I make a resolution that the new year will be better than the last. No regrets, just live from the lessons learned and improve.

Happy New Year to you and Rolo. Take good care of yourself and accept help when you need it.

Love and lots of hugs,

mum
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Unread 01-02-2017, 06:36 AM   #4988
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Morning (just) how are you today Tryn? Thinking of you like always xx
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Unread 01-02-2017, 10:52 AM   #4989
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thinking of you on th 2nd day of the New Year!
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Unread 01-02-2017, 03:01 PM   #4990
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Millie, Dear Alexis and Dear Lost Dog. Thank you for the love and support that you share with me from your hearts.

My dear Mum, i heard each of your words, i felt your fingers writing them, and saw the love on your face as you wrote them. My heart wishes that each day that passes will bring you closer to your better year.

It has been a day that started with one hell of a shock and to be fair the rest of the day to get back together again.

My city is surrounded by hills and i happen geometrically speaking on top of one. (Hence the old airport). This morning in my dear ole Blighty it was cold....i mean utterly freezing. All around white as if it had been snowing, a biting wind and the birds huddled together on the top of lamp posts with an orange sky beginning to dawn. It was truly a spiritual moment. It extra cold up here, i would say it was around -6, yesterday morning it was plus 7.

As i started what me and Rolo like to call it a meander yet the truth of it it is a slow hobble. Within a couple of minute i was getting terrible burning in my chest. Another minute and i was getting the feeling one feels if they suddenly get into a cold shower, takes your breath away. Yet this was happening slowly, like being strangled....and the burning....gosh. I stopped, could not call Rolo expecting him to come anyway and was seriously worried about getting back. Slowly i was not being able to breathe. My lungs were like furnaces.

Suffice to say, got home, and with the oxygen got through it all. Apparently the very cold and my lungs at the mo don't get on. I shall merely wear 1 of those mouth things that cyclists wear in the very cold. A scarf wouldn't do it.

So....boy that gave me such a fright. Fear happens instantly. The upside is that it disappears...as quickly. I think that when fear hits me. It is my first reaction.

So a very tired couple of boys tonight wishing all my brothers and sisters all the goodness, love and well being there is in the world, i certainly know you all create it.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-02-2017, 03:35 PM   #4991
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Oh Tryn please be careful in the cold. Can you get someone to help you out with walking Rolo? Or go a little later if it warms up a tad?

Thinking of you always xx
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Unread 01-02-2017, 04:57 PM   #4992
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Oh, I hope it warms up there soon, your heart is warm, however, I understand it is hard to get around in the cold and with your conditions, bless your heart. know that I am still continuing to think of you and pray for you each day.
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Unread 01-02-2017, 05:32 PM   #4993
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Oh that is scary. Please do take care. Thinking of you always.
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Unread 01-03-2017, 05:05 AM   #4994
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Thinking of you my dear Little Brother.

Big hugs to you and Rolo,

Big Sis
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Unread 01-03-2017, 06:17 AM   #4995
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Awww, thank you dearest Alexis, my dear Millie, My dear Lost Dog, awww and Big Sis.

I have good news. I can now use my left hand....(honestly it fills me with a feeling of liberation)....or rather i can do what i need to do for now. I want to share how it came about.

Yesterday frightened the socks off me so it did. For moments there....i could see where i needed to go, and i thought i would..well....stop breathing and die. Do i stop walking?....or go for it? What would you have done?

It is not possible to express how this family helps me when i am about my way, suffice to say your hearts and voices are the first thing, and will end up being the last thing i hear and feel. That is what "strength" means to me. My definitions.

I was understandably tired physically last night, yet sleep seemed a bit fainthearted and far fetched. I had been playing the piano with 1 hand, yet using it to do both hands i could not because of my ribs. So it did nothing other than give me the blinding hump.

Such was the scare i felt yesterday i recognised that fear was inside me, and was preventing me on my way to bed. I needed to find something extra.

My neighbours will not thank me for it, yet i sat at the piano and forced myself to see what i could realistically play with my dodgy arm/fingers. I started with 1 finger... just 1 finger hitting the base scale note.....Rolo came and "sat to attention" on his own acc...hord....my muscles relaxed, and only then did i become aware of how tense i was, without knowing it.

I did not cry or feel like doing so, what i played, had you heard it from afar, would have sounded like a curiosity walk through a crisp and white forest. Silence and sound on a rare walk with you. I did not play the piano last night, my body did.

Consequently.....i hear all of me today. The voices of gratitude drown out frankly anything else. Oh...i am aware of them, i ****ing feel'em!.....yet by listening to ALL of me, not just the parts of me that shout the loudest, means i am in such a good place this Tuesday morning in my dear ole Blighty.

The sun is bright, the future is today as it resonates with the sky. It is what it is....it is what you make it.

Have a wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-03-2017, 06:25 AM   #4996
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Oh Tryn what a beautiful letter. Thank you for sharing this. I love you so much xx
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Unread 01-03-2017, 08:15 AM   #4997
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Oh how wonderful, I am so glad.
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Unread 01-03-2017, 12:31 PM   #4998
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Tryn, I'm happy about you use of your left hand & were able to have your body play the piano.

You sound good with everything going on Keep it up.
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Unread 01-03-2017, 02:09 PM   #4999
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Hey Andy!

I'm just returned (last night) from visiting my daughter and grandkids in Oregon. Wonderful time.

However, I am terribly distressed to learn of your dreadful physical circumstances. You are, as I've said before, a brave and enormously decent man. Yet you are of flesh and blood.

The pain and overall terrible discomfort you're in, not to mention the depressing state of your health care system, in re to you, for certain---well, it's intolerable. Yet what can be done, for you personally I mean---as far as your personal care and (reasonable) comfort is concerned?

best,

sam
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Unread 01-03-2017, 03:14 PM   #5000
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, my dearest Lost Dog and my dear R Lee. Thank you.

My dear, dear Sam. How blessed we all are to know each other. How beautifully we grow together, strive together and learn to be ourselves. If you had read previous letters over the festive season you will have found with your absence, my fondness, my child like curiosity in what my own experience feels as an extraordinary person and so inspires me......i was missing. I love you with ferocity.

We often share here how we "need to listen"....as most....if not all of us have accepted what we got..... and try to make sense of it.

It is there addiction lurks.

Tonight dear, dear Sam, at only 7.30pm Tryn was snuggled in bed with my dear ole Rolo crushing my feet.....i have various entrails of technology that enable me to "check in", and your letter made me "puff myself up"....much like a bouncing ball blown up with air to make it what it is....and i had to come to the big computer at the dear ole fellas delight. (He must hear all the groans and moans, and to be fair i keep them to a minimum because of him...yet they still come, and he knows), when i "walk about" his eyes light up like the smoke signals that once fed information. I can see his heart burning bright, his "tippy-toed" excitement and his very emblem of love.

With my darling Rolo so we have the dynamics we have. "I am not feeling so good" to the ole fella i communicate with my eyes. He understands. He approaches me, he will not only put his paw up to reach out to me, he will keep pawwing until i react. Then he will bury his head in mine.

My dear, dear Sam, i would afford the plane ticket to come and see you should that be our way,... and i would make my dearest ole Rolo 10 years younger.....it is not our way and the ole fella just keeps getting older.

Not for minute, not for 1 second think that i do not appreciate all you suggest, and from the sheer humanity you are, and from whence it comes, it is what makes you so dreadfully special.

So for me, and for the family i adore and belong to, no my dear brother, no. Trust me, if it was about me, i would be in your guest room having you feeding me grapes.....i would have the most super dooper Californian therapist.....(the latest fad no less.....my therapist is a dog with a studded collar. It is studded for payment purposes.)

Tryn is not anonymous. You're not anonymous. I popped round to your house and read what you have been up to, where you have been, and how you feel tonight. I know more about you than your friends.

This dynamic pushes us. It makes us.........make us. If we want it.

Where we have always thought we were horrible, unlovable, unworthy......so this magic dynamic we have empowers each of us to find that love for ourselves. It is what i want to share so deeply with our dear Lost Dog.

I am lucky dear Sam. I am at peace with most of myself now. This family enabled me to find that for myself.

So if you really....i mean reallllllyyyyyyy wanna help...........pop your hand down the back of the sofa of life, pull out $200 billion, pop that into the NHS.....and get me sorted!

Now you're talking.

I do not know if this makes any sense, or rather can you feel what i am feeling when i say, i haven't long let my dear R Lee out of my little home.

I saw him to the door as i can not get enough of him, said goodnight, and he said...."keep it up". He was here.

As you are.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you my dear, goodness, my dear Sam. Loveness to all.
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