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Unread 05-01-2011, 02:48 PM   #1
hawaiilover
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Default Husband drinking and driving issues

Hello to all:

I am new to this site. So far, I like the reading and can identify with so many stories. I too have a spouse that drinks and has done it for years. He has no recovery program and has been to rehabs many times. The fact is that he does not want to acknowledge there is a problem with alcoholism. I attend Alanon weekly. My greatest concern now is drinking and driving. My husband knows the consequences of DUI, yet he continues to drive drunk. I am so powerless over this whole situation. My concern is that some innocent person gets kill or hurt.

Yesterday, one of his friends had to drive his car and bring him home. He was fortunate this time. Supposed the friend had not been there. it is one of my greatest concern. I am not sure what to do about this situation.

Today, I managed to keep the car keys because he was still drunk. However, that takes too much energy and can't keep it up. Eventually he will hit bottom. The problem here is that the family suffers anyway,

Thanks for allowing me to share.

Hawaiilover
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Unread 05-01-2011, 10:31 PM   #2
R. Lee
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Hawaiilover, Welcome to this site. Sorry for your situation. You can not cure his drinking problem. I'm glad that you are using a support group such as Alanon. at least you know you are not alone.
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Unread 05-01-2011, 11:26 PM   #3
hawaiilover
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RLee,

Thank you for your feedback. I stumbled on this website while looking for ways to better cope with the alcoholic and his drinking. This is a great forum. I have been reading some of the posts and I find them helpful. This will be another support group in addition to Alanon. Here you can get different perspectives on your specific problem. I like that. I need this so much. It was not accident that I ended up over here, it was orchestrated by my Higher Power.

Thanks, again.
Hawaiilover
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Unread 05-02-2011, 02:33 AM   #4
CarlyO
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Default Hi and Welcome hawaiilover

Dear hawaiilover,

Welcome and glad you found the site. IMO it is great that you attend al anon, for your own sanity, but yes, I agree with your concerns about HIS drinking and driving, it is such a powerless feeling. YOu said he has sought help before, so he knows it can happen, but perhaps the reality that it will has not sunk in yet. Alcoholism is a progressive disease if not treated, it sounds like you both are educated about alcohol issues, but as RLEE posted he has to want to seek help in earnest.

I am sure you love him, but The last part of your post referring to managing keeping his keys, well, many people have posted the same and even wondered is that any way to live. Tough questions. I hate that you are being held hostage in a manner of speaking by his alcohol misuse. Only you know what you want to do, for now please know you are among supportive and caring people here. Read the forums, keep posting/venting as we are here for you. Please take care of yourself , let us know how it going.
Again, welcome and glad you found us. Be well, Carly

Link to get you started....
http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friends-family/
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Unread 05-02-2011, 08:02 AM   #5
hawaiilover
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Dear Carly:

Thank you for your loving and supportive words. It is a difficult situation and i am tired of it. My husband I have been married for nearly 36 yrs. and I have been very supportive of him. However, his disease is progressing to a level that is beyond my comprehension. Even though he has been to recovery programs, he does not get it. He is having lots of fun with this and does not take it seriously.

I think my greatest concern is that he kills someone while driving drunk. I have a lot to lose financially. I can lose my house due to lawyer and legal costs. My savings can be wiped out. This is very scary!

The longer that I stay married to an alcohol, the more insecure I feel about my whole life. It is getting more challenging and difficult. I suffer from high blood pressure and am having more episodes of elevated bp due to his drinking. I take medication and still elevates when I am in distress.

Recently I asked him ro move out and he told me, "the only way I would leave is for you to call the police." He is a bully and will confront the police and get killed. I dont want that in my conscious. Whew! it has to get better somehow.

I've thought of leaving, but I have an elderly parent and a disabled daughter that I care for. Leaving is not an option for me. At least, not for the moment. What I will do is seek help also through counseling, again. My situation is out of control and need serious legal guidance as well. Need to protect my assets in case the worst happens.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.

Hawaiilover
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Unread 05-02-2011, 01:18 PM   #6
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Dear Hawaiilover,

You certainly have a LOT on your plate, that is why it is said that loved ones get pulled into the disease and often referred to as akin to being held hostage by this disease.
I don't know if it would help but just the physical issues associated with alcohol misuse esp. long term. Read the educational material that describes what happens to the mind, body, overall health and perhaps even copy it for him.
There is also info about medications that can , for some , curb alcohol cravings, he would need to agree to see a professional though. But at least it's an option!
You never know what it takes, health wise, legal and other consequences... . But Yes- as you posted it is so very scary to imagine the What Ifs and feeling trapped.
Please take care of YOURSELF, lean on your supports, sending good thoughts your way, Carly
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Unread 05-02-2011, 02:15 PM   #7
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Hawaiilover, Has he ever been abusive with you in any way? If he has get a restraining order on him. If he gets agressive with the police that is his decision & he will pay for his actions.
The next time he drives drunk call the police on him before you lose everything.
You don't have to live like this. You have enough on your plate.
I'm a recovering alcoholic so I know how to manipulate people. When I drank it was all about me. I roared through peoples life. It took me to the age of 60 to have the courage to walk through those doors into a room full of recovering alcoholics. I have been sober since.
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Unread 05-02-2011, 03:21 PM   #8
hawaiilover
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Carly: Thank you so much. You provided some heptful ideas and will follow through with it. I will suggest that he sees a doctor to get medicated. One never know how it will turn out. Today I feel completely burned out and stay home to relaxed. This weekend was really exhausting, to say the least.My job requires lots of energy and attention to detail which I did not have on this day.

I've been doing research on the Internet regarding legal separation. In CA it is treated just like a divorce, where you divide properties, assets, etc. I have too much invested and he has nothing. I've put more into this marriage financially and other ways. I've been always the one to go to college, get good jobs, save the money, and at the end give up to him. Just feeling overwhelmed. Thanks for allowing me to vent

RLee: Thank you for the insightful information. My husband put his hands on me once and I put him in jail. This was uears ago. I told him that I will not allow him or anyone to put a hand on me. Sometimes he can get verballu abisive. Living with an alcoholic is all about abuse. The mental and emotional agony is unhealthy. I am definitely looking for solutions to save myself and my family. Thanks for your moral support. I appreciate this website. It is awesome.


Thanks.

Hawaiilover
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Unread 05-03-2011, 02:39 PM   #9
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Hawaiilover, my husband did the same thing, drinking and driving, and is still doing it. After 5 years of living in fear of waiting for that fateful phone call or knock at the door, I divorced him. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I still love my husband. It sounds like your husband is far from realizing the problem of his drinking. And you're right, if he hurts someone or worse, kills someone in an DUI accident, a victim's family will come after any assets they can get. Nobody feels sorry for a drunk driver or the wife who knew about it. Be careful, protect yourself!
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Unread 05-03-2011, 07:40 PM   #10
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Hawaiilover,

I agree with R Lee and T Schmiddi. If your husband drives drunk call the police. Your husband probably won't agree, but in the long run it may prove to be the best thing for him.

I wish you and your husband the best!

Regards,
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Unread 05-03-2011, 11:08 PM   #11
hawaiilover
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TSchmiddi: Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. I am sorry to hear about your divorce. I am sure it was not an easy decision. This disease destroys families and destroys dreams and so much more. It is worse than a twister and tornado. Since I posted my message I have not seen my husband. He is out doing what he does best: drinking. I have the car and keys. After looking in to the legal ramifications of DUI, I've decided to keep the keys. He might have to purchase another car, but this car has both names on it. Ultimately, I probably will divorce him. I hope it does not reach that level. However, I have to look out for my family and me. This disease is progressive. Thanks again.



Saint: Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate your input. I am definitely doing something about the drinking and driving. Since my husband isn't home right now, I am not concerned with it. When the behavior returns, I will be forced to take action. For now, I am enjoying my peace of mind. Wherever he is, I am sure he is doing fine. I am keeping the focus on me today.


Thanks again.
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Unread 05-05-2011, 01:51 PM   #12
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Dear Hawaiilover ( love ur screen name btw as Hawaii or anyplace warm and sunny sounds Glorious Today)
It sounds like your husband is deep into his disease, he must have quite a few enablers to drive him around etc.... Good for you for protecting yourself and others.
Like Slynn another moderator used to post, and I know it to be true from prior exp with substances, - what a miserable existence he is living. Waking up every day, it doesn't excuse ANYTHING - there are so many options out there, as they say it takes what it takes, though I am guessing that it is little comfort to what you are dealing with.

I am glad you are posting and venting while it may not solve all the issues at least you know you are among friends, IMO we have such a good group here.
Speaking of which Hi Saint Glad to "see" you and to all thanks for sharing !!

Take Care , Carly
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Unread 05-05-2011, 08:08 PM   #13
R. Lee
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There was a member of my support group who drove to a meeting drunk. We told him after the meeting to turn over his keys & let one of us drive hime home. He refused. He was told that if he drove we would dial 911. He turned them over & I drove his truck home. He was told not to drive to any more meetings drunk. If he wanted to go to a meeting he could call one of us & we would drive him. He showed up at another meeting drunk. After the meetin I was dealing with another drunk who had let his 13 year old son drive him to the meeting. While talking to the drunk with his kid the 1st drunk walked through the parking lot yelling. He got in his truck spinning the tires as he drove off. I called the police. He called me a couple days later to apologise fro driving drunk. I asked if the police had stopped him. He said no. I then informed hime I had called the police on him. He hung up. The next meeting he drives to the meeting drunk again. When he leaves I call the police but they missed him again. Now he is missing in action.

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Unread 05-06-2011, 02:14 AM   #14
hawaiilover
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Carly: Thank you for the follow up. Yes, the situation is very challenging to live with. I am reflecting on things and I see no end to this madness. He returned home two nights ago and he was in rage. I was out of his way but I heard him yelling and screaming outside and went back and forth slamming doors. I kept my peace in my private bedroom and doors locked. Instead of calling the police, I called his brother to to see what was happening. I chose to let him handle it. Once he arrived to our place, then I was able to come out to see the drama. The only thing I said was that I would call the police if he continued the rage. After his brother left, he calmed down and went into his room. We have separate rooms. I stop sleeping in the same bedroom with this sick person who is in denial. Sad but true. I grieve the loss of the relationship, unfulfilled dreams, romance, etc. That makes me sad. However, I am well aware of the dysfunction in which I live (for now). i pray for strength daily.

My husband behavior is getting the best of him. So, I stay out of his way. I take classes online and have plenty to keep me busy. I work a couple hrs. a day. My job gives me purpose and it helps pay the bills. I need a full time job with benefits. I recently lost my medical benefits due to downsizing. I am covered under hubby's benefits. At the rate his going, only God know how long he will remain employed.

RLee: What a mess with that drunk driver. I can't believe the destruction this disease is causing people all over the country. Why can they get it? People's lives are at risk around drunk drivers. For the moment, hubby does not have the keys to the car. I have no intentions of giving it to him. If he drives drunk, I am calling the police. He can kill someone out there. That is all I need to bring me further to the ground. I can't afford to take that chance.

I will keep posting updates. Thanks to you and Carly for your moral support. I check messages and I will posting updates as well. This is my support group and can't live without it now.

Hawaiilover (by the way, I love Hawaii so much-the name says it all)
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Unread 05-10-2011, 02:29 PM   #15
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Hawaiilover,

A few years ago, I had the same problem. My husband was a drunk and always driving home after going to the bar. I could never figure out how he made it home in one piece. Honestly, he would literally stumble into the door of our home . . . and he was driving?!?!

I, too, was afraid that he was going to kill someone; it was the same as if he had a loaded weapon. I wasn't too worried about him hurting himself because that was his choice. But I just couldn't bear the thought of him killing a child or a whole family. Even though Alanon tells you that it is not your problem, I disagreed and still do. It was my problem. For one thing, I knew he was out there driving drunk and knew I could never forgive myself if he hurt someone else and I did nothing to prevent it. And, if he did something like this, my son and I would have to live with the financial consequences the shame of him being in jail for a long time.

So, I called the police and talked with the officer in charge of the program that dealt with drunk driving prevention. He was incredibly understanding and helpful. I felt like a traitor, but I gave him my husband's auto information, his license number, told him what time he would leave the bar, etc. and the officer thanked me and assured me that I was doing the right thing. He promised he would put out a bulletin on my husband and they would watch for him to come out of the bar around that time.

Even though I felt bad about ratting out my husband, I felt good that I might be preventing a murder. I figured that I could live with my husband getting a DUI but could not live with him going to jail for causing a death with his truck. The DUI we could get over; we could never get over a murder and the consequences. I knew I had done the right thing.

The good news is that was 3 years ago. My husband actually decided on his own to stop drinking shortly after I called the police so was never picked up. He has been sober since. I never told him what I did but I will say that to this day, I do NOT regret calling the police and would do it again if I had to do it.

Good luck and God bless. I know what you are going through. It is a horrible and helpless feeling and I thank God every day that my husband is now sober.

Mary Ellen
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Unread 05-10-2011, 09:07 PM   #16
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Mary Ellen, Good work taking action with your husband's drunk driving.
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Unread 05-11-2011, 01:31 AM   #17
hawaiilover
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Mary Ellen: Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is challenging dealing with the drinking and drinker. I am taking precautions for myself and my family. My husband takes the bus and train to work at the moment. I have the keys to the car. I had a serious talk with him about the consequences of drinking and driving. He seems calm about it today. I take it one day at a time. Today was a peaceful day. No drama and no drinking. Just for today I kept my peace and serenity. I count my blessings for each day that I dont deal with the disease of alcoholism.

Alanon tells us to mind our business. Like you, i disagree with that concept. i take matters into my own hands. However, I chose my battles. I can't control the alcoholic and am not by no means trying to control. When it comes to safety, my family and I come first. Thanks to the support of all here on this site, I am gaining more confidence.

I no longer feel like a victim. I am being even more proactive in my own life. I appreciate all the support from everyone here. Thank God for you all. Things will fall in place one day at a time. Will keep everyone updated.


Thanks.
HL
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Unread 05-11-2011, 11:40 AM   #18
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hawaiilover, You are showing growth. Keep up the good work.
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Unread 05-11-2011, 04:23 PM   #19
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Hawaiilover,
Welcome to the site! I had read over your posts and understand what you are feeling. After living with alcoholism and drug abuse for many years I got tired of what pain my family members were causing and took a stand by turning one of them in to the police. It was very difficult to do, but it helped put the person on the right path. Trust me, it did not happen right away, but I believe that with every slip comes more convincing that a problem exists. Sometimes we have to make the hard choices in order to save someone, it would be wise to save not only your loved one from harm- but as you have said- someone innocent.
Last year in late Feb, my schoolmate was killed on a highway in California by a man under the influence. She was engaged with a infant son who no longer has his mother. Her life was taken and the man spent less than six months in jail. After this happened, I promised myself that I would do whatever I could to help others in the same situation and I also promised to never let someone I love drive drunk. Don't wait until it is too late- do whatever you can to change your husband's situation.
Please keep us informed of how things are going and take care!
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Unread 05-11-2011, 10:17 PM   #20
hawaiilover
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RLee: Thank you for your moral support. I am growing because of your guys encouragement. I just love this site. The encouragement gives me confidence to confront my situation without fear. Thanks.


Madga: Thank you for your moral support as well. I am sorry to hear of your classmate's death. It is unfortunate that the drinker rarely gets hurt in drunk driving accident. It is always an innocent person that gets hurt or killed.

I am taking a stand against drunk driving. There is no way possible that I can handle the guilt if my husband kills someone. That will just kill me. So I am being really serious about keeping the keys. My prayer is that he won't give me a hard time to surrender the keys. If so, that would complicate matters for us all. My plate is full with other issues unrelated to drinking. My daughter is disabled and I take care of an elderly mother. The last thing I need is the alcoholic drama. I am working with a social worker to get some assistance so I can take a breather. I really need some time for self. Hopefully the social worker will request for funds to find a person to assist me with mother and daughter.

Thanks again.
HL
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Unread 05-14-2011, 02:32 AM   #21
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Dear HL ,

Hang in there and I hope you get you have a peaceful weekend , take care of yourself lest you get burned out ( and that is easy to do when a loved one is dealing alcohol misuse).
Anyway, just wanted to check on you ! Take care, Carly
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Unread 05-14-2011, 08:18 PM   #22
hawaiilover
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Thank you for your concern, Carly. I am tired and burned out today. Aside from dealing with the drinker, I have my daughter and mom who depend on me so much. This was a hectic week with them both. I am breaking the cycle by setting Fridays for "me" time. I had dinner with a friend for the second week now. It felt soooo good to have a social life.

In terms of the alcoholic in my life, it has been peaceful for a couple of days. Since each day is a celebration when there is sobriety, I am enjoying these days too. He said he wants help and will go to the doctor. I told him to be honest with the doctor about his drinking habits and to get a complete physical. He wanted me to take him and I will not do that. If he wants and needs help, he has to initiated and follow through. I think I've done enough enabling over the years. He has been to rehab at least four times if not more. All those rehab visits were my idea and I reinforced them. Now, I am not getting involved. I will offer my moral support and that will be enough.

The likelihood of completely sobriety is questionable because my husband's environment / friends are alcoholics. I can't see how he can possibly heal if he surrounds himself with drinkers. Maybe I am being too pessimistic. I know that our surrounding has great influence in our lives. It shapes the way we live. Therefore, I have little hope in this so called "need help" quest. I have to see it to believe it.

Carly, I guess I've lost faith and trust in my husband's words. He does not understand the gravity of his disease as I do. I have been in Alanon since the early 90s and have seen and experienced too much. What I will applaud today is my husband's acceptance that he has a problem. That is the 1st step. He has a higher power and he will take care of him.

Thanks so much for checking on me.

Blessings.
HL
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Unread 05-14-2011, 09:41 PM   #23
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HL, When I wanted to get sober I asked my wife to take me to a meeting. She has been a recovering alcoholic since the late 70's. She told me no. You have to do this for yourself. I swallowed my pride & went on my own.
You are not being pessimistic about your alcoholic & his chances of recovery. The alcoholic who want to get sober has to want sobriety more than anything else. The alcoholic has to change people places & things.
You know alot about recovery. You approached this right by using a support group. You have had the guts to face this problem. Now it is time for him.
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Unread 05-15-2011, 12:13 AM   #24
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R. Lee: Thank you for your encouragement. I thank God everyday for finding this site. I am amazed by the level of moral support that you guys provide. Dealing with alcoholism requires certain coping skills that can only be learned at support groups, this site, and therapy. And, a person has to be committed to get help. For me, it is a matter of survival. I am grateful that you and the team here take the time to share and offer your experience, strength, and hope. Thank you, again.


HL
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Unread 08-30-2014, 11:23 PM   #25
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This and the second post have been moved to a new thread:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=29600
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