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Unread 11-24-2009, 10:36 PM   #1
1418
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Hi Everyone,

I am sad tonight and find myself wanting to chat with my supportive friends on this site, but this isn't about my ex... who is an alcohol abuser.. it is about me.

There is a guy at work who pursued me.. pretty hard. I blew him off for awhile and then decided to give him a shot. Turns out we have great chemistry together... but after 2 months or so when i asked if he was "on the prowl or not" (I wanted to know how important I was to him).. i get the message that he is not on the prowl necessarily, but he isn't willing to say he just wants to see me.

This completely stinks!

My heart hurts. He pursued me... when I thought things were cooling off I let it go and then he texts me telling me he is thinking of me, blah blah blah.

I am thinking I should just drop this jerk all together. It certainly feels as though he has dropped me some time ago!!!

I am tired tonight and probably making this way worse than it is, but my heart hurts. I was starting to have feelings for him.

Now I feel so embarassed. I feel extremely vulnerable, which I am not very comfortable with, and I am questioning my ability to read people. He said the right things (crazy about me, can't wait to see me, sent me messages while away)... and I believed there might be potential ther3. So do I just stink at judging people?

This feels extremely raw and I am hurt.... What if I keep on picking the wrong type of guy?

My self confidence is in the toilet right now.
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Unread 11-24-2009, 11:34 PM   #2
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1418,

Hi, I know you're feeling a little low but I'm sure you'll find happiness.

Instead of jumping into another relationship why not try giving yourself some time? Get your head clear, get used to be single. You just got out of a bitter relationship.
Have you gotten over all the emotions that went with it.

Not what you wanted to hear, just my opinion. I wish you well

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Unread 11-25-2009, 12:51 AM   #3
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Hi Saint,

Thanks for your post. That was my plan all along - to just focus on myself and my son for now... but I let myself get side tracked. Of course now I am completely beating myself up and telling myself I'm a bad mother for putting my son through the divorce, that I may have hurt him for life... all these feelings that I thought I had dealt with are bubbling up and I just want to run away and hide and be somebody else, just for a little while.

I wish I could fast forward and know that things all work out okay, that my son is happy and healthy... and then I can look back at this as a little bump in the road.

I am very tired, which I know isn't helping the situation at all. I couldn't sleep last night which isn't like me. i was up until at least 4:00 am... so I am telling myself to shut off my brain and go to sleep, but I can't right now.

Thank you for listening, for posting, and for being there.
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Unread 11-25-2009, 01:43 AM   #4
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1418,

Well that's a good plan. I read somewhere that an alcoholic should wait a year after getting sober before getting into a relationship. I realize you're on the other side of the fence so to speak but perhaps the same logic applies.

Regarding your son. Personally I think you're doing the right thing for you and your son. You are not a bad Mother! Kids are resilient and over time things will settle down. I think it best in the long run your son is raised in an atmosphere where he can observe and learn how to deal with life, the good and the bad, without leaning on alcohol or anything else for that matter. And hopefully one day his father will get the help he needs. Hope for the best, expect the worst, but live your life. You and your son deserve it.

The bumps are always biggest right before you go over them. You've already gone over the bump, now stop looking in the rear view mirror and concentrate on your driving! NO regrets, stay strong, stay positive. When you're far enough down the road, glance in the mirror - I bet you won't even see that bump.

What's the 1418 for if you don't mind me asking? Just curious. If you do mind I guess it's a little to late.

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Unread 11-25-2009, 12:04 PM   #5
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Hi Saint,

This Thanksgiving I am including you in what I am thankful for! Your post made me smile and actually chuckle a bit. I love the line about quit looking in the rearview mirror!!!

I dont' mind you asking at all. The 1418 is an easy number for me to remember because of where I grew up! What about you - how did you come up with Saint?

BTW - I ran into the guy today at work which was actually a good thing. He said something to me this morning about, "gone swimming lately" referring to a text he sent me that he doesn't want to, "jump in the deep end". My reply was, "You are an a_ _." Not very mature of me, but is sure felt GOOD!

I hope you have a good Thanksgiving!
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Unread 11-25-2009, 12:59 PM   #6
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1418,

You sound positive today - that's great!

Saint is a nickname the guys I used to hang around with called me. Part of my last name also. Don't take it literally - I was the antithesis of the nickname at times back then, decades ago actually!

Enjoy the Holiday!


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Unread 11-25-2009, 05:19 PM   #7
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1418, Give youeslf a break. You don't want to walk right back into a relationship that could turn out bad. Be greatful that this guy showed you what he was realy like as soon as he did.

As far a venting on the site. I suggest to the alcoholics I deal with that you can't be a secrete.

Saint gave you a lot of good advice. Please keep posting.
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Unread 11-28-2009, 12:36 AM   #8
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Hi 1418,
Ditto on all of the feedback, it's probably good to get a male's perspective and yes, good thing you found out sooner rather than later what a jerk he is.

The dating world can be tough, I have several friends who are divorced with children who have been thorough similar experiences. I mean they went through so much crap towards the end of the marriage, due to the spouse refusing to get help, basically being alone, well, you know what it can be like ...
I can't speak to the specifics but I do have a lot of late night conversations with my girlfriends about the guys they date, as they are trying to re-build their lives. We even double dated with a couple of the guys they were seeing and thought yes, these are good guys, and BAM! out of no where they just change, so even I was like, I don't get it , he seemed to be so into you, so.. together. They say the same things you were posting, why? what the heck ? I hate that they were blindsided, but I know they just need someone to listen and be there.
Of course it hurts, you are testing the waters, so to speak. You went through so much with ex and you have every right to date, I know from all your posts, you would never just jump into something willy nilly and you love your son BUT at the same time , you do not have to live like a nun ; )

I think making new friends in general is tough on its own, I have made my fair share of mistakes with "girlfriends" or the mothers of my child's friends
( playdates and all of that ) and I too am baffled by how my judgement could have been so off on some of the "friends" . I am learning but it aint easy sometimes.

Anyway, sorry to digress, maybe take this as a learning experience, I know it doesn't take the confusion and hurt away, but I really believe you have great intuition, like everything it takes practice, you will get there. And know that there is someone out there worthy of you and your son. In the meantime, go out, have fun and I have seen it with my friends, when they least expected it, that is when they meet that special someone : )

I truly hope you had a great holiday, enjoy your weekend and take care, Carly : )
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Unread 11-28-2009, 01:30 AM   #9
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Hi Carly,

Thank you for your post! I had a good holiday, thank you. I hope you did as well!

Part of me thinks I should go out and fill up my days/time with meeting new people. Not for the purpose of dating really. I think I have figured out that I am really not ready to date anybody, but more along the lines of meeting for coffee and getting to know people. Something to distract me from the doofus at work. I would rather play more tennis, but with the custody arrangment, my schedules changes every other week, which makes it somewhat difficult. Any suggestions for activities that I can do on my time line? I was thinking of joining a gym, but I'm not very excited to spend more money whenI have a treadmill in my basement.

Thanks again for posting!
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Unread 11-28-2009, 08:25 AM   #10
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1418,

You're sure to find happiness using one of the formulas below, from a man's perspective that is.

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage


O.k so I jacked it from somebody else's thread.

Peace
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Unread 11-28-2009, 01:35 PM   #11
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Hey... Saint that was a joke.... I still do not even know where I fit in that formula. Hopefully : smart man/smart woman = romance AND marriage ; )

Anyway, Hi 1418,

You will get over the "doofus" soon enough. I wish your schedule allowed for something like a Tennis Group- that would be ideal, getting exercise and meeting people at the same time !
You have the right attitude, getting outside of yourself, keeping an open mind.
One of my friends attended a divorce group, your counselor may know of where they have them in your area. She did not go to meet "dates " but because it was free therapy and she was able to meet other people going through the transition. She loved it .
They talked about everything from dealing with exes, children , custody, and getting back out in the dating world.

What about a book club ?
I do not like the title of this one as it sounds so ?? . but ...Parents without partners?


Volunteering is a great way to spend your time, you will get so much out of the experience while helping others in need, especially with the holidays coming up, there are many agencies that need help. Maybe a homeless shelter or call your local social services agencies.

If I think of any more - I will post them...

Hang in there 1418 ! Take care, Carly : )
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Unread 11-29-2009, 05:57 PM   #12
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Saint - you are hilarious!! Thanks for your post!

Hi Carly,

Thank you for the suggestions. I am going to look into some of your suggestions - they are fantastic!!!

Thanks so much!
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Unread 12-06-2009, 04:55 PM   #13
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Hi 1418,
I just saw you post on your other thread. Thought I would say HI and it sounds like things are going well with you and and your child : )
I do believe that you and your son will get through this and so glad you have a counselor that you have a rapport with!
I think as parents we worry or feel guilty that there is something we should be doing more of, better, even beat ourselves up at times. I honestly think there is no such thing as the perfect parent as portrayed on those loathsome parenting mags I get every month! I mean sure they have great suggestions, but I do not think I will ever or desire to be SuperMom. If my child is adjusted, makes good grades and has self esteem I will be over the moon. In spite of everything that happened
( he does not seem to remember my relapse ) he is happy, laid back, and most of all kind.
You are a Great Mom and you made a tough decision but one that was right for the both you.
You are in the process of starting your new life, I stress the word process because it will take time and even a few missteps along the way ,i,e, the jerk.

Oh, if you wanted to find a divorce group that I mentioned above, you can check online it is called Divorce Care - you can google it to see if their is one near your area.
Just to share.... When you are ready to try again. One of my friends was dating a guy, who she was in love with, then one day out of the blue, he said he could not handle the fact that she a child, I told her, you know your child is an extension of you, if he cannot accept or even love your child, then he is not the right one for you. After some tears, she went on about her life. Sure enough, months later, she did meet a great guy who has a child, so he understood from the get go all of the visitation and dealing with an ex -spouse.
I do have friends who participate in online dating, a trusted one, safety always being first and foremost.

Anyway, just a few random thoughts I had. I hope you had a good weekend and take care, Carly : )
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Unread 12-14-2009, 11:11 PM   #14
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Hi Everyone,

I hope this message finds you all well! I just wanted to say hello and hope you are all well. Things are busy and my son and I continue to struggle with one another, but we have more good times than "bad".. and at least we are working towards improving our relationship. We continue to see the counselor together.

I just wanted to express how thankful I am for this board. I am in such a completely different place than I was one year ago. Today I laugh, I trust myself more than before (still not where I want to be yet, but getting there), and most importantly, alcohol does not weigh on my mind every waking moment. I didn't realize how it was always there - lurking in the background. How exhuasting. Now I have energy for so many different things.

Thank you all for being there!!
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Unread 12-14-2009, 11:39 PM   #15
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1418,

That is certainly great news to hear! Congratulations and continue working with your son. You are teaching him how to become a good person by your example. I believe kids protest, sometimes very loudly when they want something and are denied but they learn a valuable lesson when you as a parent hold your ground.

Happy Holidays
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Unread 12-15-2009, 10:16 PM   #16
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1418, It is so great to be sober this time of day! You sound great. It is wonderful to have you one the site. You help keep me sober. Happy Holidays
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Unread 12-20-2009, 09:27 PM   #17
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Hi 1418,

I am so glad to hear how great you are doing. I hope you and your son will have a great Holiday and and may the New Year bring all the good things that you both deserve your way !!!! Take care, Carly : )
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Unread 12-22-2009, 11:28 PM   #18
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Wow - R. Lee, I am blown away by your comment that somehow I help you stay sober. I had no idea. Thank you very much for you comment. I don't know how I help you, but I am appreciative to know that I am somehow giving back to you in some small way.

I have some exciting news! I actually went out on a date! Although I won't be seeing him again, I am proud of myself that I had the courage to go out with him and I am proud that I am listening to my instincts. It is amazing how living with an alcholic can make you doubt yourself. You see somebody you know is drunk, but then they tell you it is all in your head and somehow twist things around to the point where you actually start to believe the comments...

Anyway, my self confidence has improved and I look forward to it improving even more. I try very hard to listen to my "gut" and not to override what it is telling me.

I wish you all a happy holiday!

Take care,
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Unread 12-23-2009, 08:58 PM   #19
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Hi 1418,

Glad you are testing the dating waters and trusting yourself more and more. It will serve you well, when the right person comes along.
I remember those days when you did not know what was what with your ex. In all honesty, we ( people with addictions) when we are in active addiction, become masters of the blame game, it's not me it's you game and more. It is a way of protecting our addiction, so that no one interferes with it. Sad but true. I am just sorry it wreaks such havoc with our loved ones. I still hold out hope that one day your ex will get the help he needs for everyone - esp him and your son. Until then hang in there, draw your boundaries.

You have survived it, and are doing great ! I am so glad you keep us posted because it is so refreshing and inspiring to know that you have a new life, the sky is the limit!

Yikes, 2 more days until the big Day, I hope you and your son have a wonderful, peaceful, holiday : ) Take care, Carly
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Unread 12-24-2009, 03:47 PM   #20
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I'm so glad to be sober this time of day!

1418, Thank you. By seeing you grow, it helps me to grow & that helps me stay sober. I like to stay with the winners.
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Unread 12-26-2009, 07:16 PM   #21
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Hi everyone,
I thought I would share some of my dating adventures with you. I don't want this to sound like I am putting this person down - because I think he has some great qualities, but the two of us are very different, and I think all of you have an idea of who I am from posting on this site, so i thought I would share because I thought it was funny!

Today I met a gentleman for lunch. We had been emailing back and forth and then we talked on the phone a few nights ago. At the end of the phone conversation I suggested he pick a place for lunch on Saturday. His response was that he wasn't ready to make the selection yet. So I suggested he email me later with details.

You should know that I'm not a planner when it comes to social activities - I am up for just about anything.

Today at lunch it took over 25 minutes for him to review the menu and decide what he wanted. He told me that he had read the reveiws of the different menu items on line prior to selecting the resturant.

He is very precise. During the lunch he was going to tell me about a movie he watched, but then he abruptly stopped and said, "I'm not prepared to discuss this. I need to reserach the story and then get back to you on it."

He works in the medical field, and being precise is very important to what he does. I asked if he was considering any other medical positions (because he is trained on one specific technology and if the technology is replaced, he will be too). He said that he has talked with his nurse friends, and number 684 why he doesn't want to be a nurse is due to the fact they must perform manual bowel extractions. It was shortly after that comment that I started asking what other plans he had for the day as I put on my coat/jacket.

Again, I think he is a very nice person and is probably better matched up with somebody who appreciates his level of specificity, but I have to tell you, that isn't me!!!
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Unread 12-26-2009, 09:40 PM   #22
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I'm so glad to be sober this time of day!

1418, Yikes!! I'm glad you thought it through & dismissed him politely.
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