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Unread 01-16-2009, 11:34 PM   #1
olivia
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Default Please Help Me

I am desperate. My children-3 months & 3 years old deserve better than what I am giving them. This is a place to connect with experienced, successful & now healthy ex-addicts for assistance... right? I am incredibly educated and make just enough money to get us by. The drive that got me where I am in life has also set me up for failure. I am going to die. This addiction will kill me and leave my children abandoned. We are alone and have no family-just the 3 of us. Day to day is more than a struggle. If i attempt treatment/help, I jeopardize my career-my income, life, reputation and most importantly my children. Someone please help me. Please. I am totally alone and very desperate.
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Unread 01-17-2009, 12:39 AM   #2
paulmaury
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Dear Olivia,
First off, you are not alone.....not anymore! By seeking help/treatment for a illness that affects millions of people, from all walks of life, can only improve your chances of holding on to the things that are most important/dearest to you! You must get involved with some type of support network on a personal level, this site is surely a good start, but a medical doctor or qualified counselor is recommended in case you need professional guidance to detox. Confidentiality laws will keep you safe from any fears of being exposed, and I'm sure a moderator will be by soon to give you all kinds of valuable links to all the sites that can fit your needs! Right CarlyO!!!!! Please be honest with them, so we all can understand how to help! Hang in there Olivia there is a solution, and no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness too great to be overcome! Please stay in touch.......... ~Paulmaury~

Last edited by paulmaury; 01-17-2009 at 12:43 AM..
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Unread 01-17-2009, 12:47 AM   #3
Geo 82706
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Quote:
Originally Posted by olivia View Post
If i attempt treatment/help, I jeopardize my career-my income, life, reputation and most importantly my children.
why is that ?

chances are you don't even need detox and a stay in rehab...

find a meeting of AA and ask a old timer (or someone with some sobriety under their belt) to help you out....

getting sober is never as difficult as we all first thought it would be !
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Unread 01-17-2009, 12:54 AM   #4
CarlyO
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Default Hello and welcome Olivia

Hello Olivia,

Welcome to the forum and glad you are here. There is help out there, so please do not give up hope. I will post again with links about where you can find help in your area and other info.

As far as the forum, this is a support forum, we listen , we vent at times, give feedback, share the struggles and joys of trying to live without alcohol. It is a mix of people who are not drinking presently, some people are in the process of getting help and some are still undecided what they want/if they have alcohol issues.

You say you could lose your career, income if you attempt to seek treatment ? I think in many companies, it is against the law to prevent someone from seeking help, many companies have EAPs ( Employment Assistant Programs) designed to help employees in need. Have you checked company policy to see if this is offered? Short term disability may help with finances.

If you need help there is also counseling / support groups/ or seeing your own doctor. Maybe you could provide a bit more info. please do not give up hope.

I will post the links, read the info it may help you decide what your options are. I hope you will seek professional help asap. Good luck and take care , Carly
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Unread 01-17-2009, 01:03 AM   #5
CarlyO
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Default Info for Olivia

HI Paul and Geo ,
I was writing while you posting : ) Hope all is going well with you both!

Olivia I hope you will consider the valuable feedback from them!

Below is the link for the Physician, treatment and counseling locator. Just enter your zip code and you are able to see a list of providers in your area based on the zip code you enter .

Treatment locator : Physicians, counselors and treatment facilities..

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/local/

Below is a list of the various support groups that are available and how to find one near you. There is now much more than traditional AA, there are many types of support groups out there, Smart Recovery and others

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/resour...port-links.cfm

Link to medication assisted treatment options... this can be an invaluable tool to help with cravings.

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/treatm...-treatment.cfm
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-17-2009, 11:37 AM   #6
SLynn
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Good Morning, Olivia

I hope you've taken the time to read the links CarlyO gave you. We always like you to be informed of your options.

This site has all walks of life and many sides of recovery. I'm a nurse and the child of the disease. One parent is sober one is still struggling. I've had my own issues, as you could imagine! There's always someone who has been where you've been or is on the same path. Keep writing to us.

SLynn
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Unread 01-18-2009, 10:56 AM   #7
olivia
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Hi everyone. I actually cried when I read all of your posts. I had no idea that there were so many options for treatment. I am seeking therapy with a psychologist but am early into it and have not admitted my issues with alcohol to her just yet. I thought that confidentiality could be broken in certain situations where the public needed to be protected (my career) or if children were involved. Is this true? I work for a small private practice so I don't think there will be any help or protection there. Guess I have alot to research and learn... I know without a doubt that I do have a huge problem and an even larger desire to correct it. You all have no idea how grateful I am to have heard from you. Thanks so much.
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Unread 01-18-2009, 12:45 PM   #8
paulmaury
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Olivia,
No one, absolutely NO ONE can get access to your medical records without getting a release from you! YOU and ONLY YOU! You should understand that you are not under investigation, the only way the public needs to know your business is, if you are involved in any illegal wrongdoings. Seeking treatment for a dependency problem is not uncommon, nor is it illegal! Opening-up to anybody, especially to a professional can only be beneficial in your desire to correct the situation. Stay in touch and stop worrying about people finding out your secret......whatever it is! ~Paulmaury~
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Unread 01-18-2009, 05:42 PM   #9
Mystikchick
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Olivia,

I have 2 children myself, I celebrated 9 months of sobriety yesterday. I did take the inpatient treatment route. However, one thing I have noticed in the last nine months, people, especially in the medical field are EXTREMELY supportive if you are just honest with them. I have come clean with my children's doctors, my primary doctor, my gynocologist, they have all been nothing but very supportive and kind. I was very surprised. You would be amazed how many people out there have a brother/aunt/friend who suffers from some sort of addiction. When they see some one coming forward in an honest effort to get help, well.....lets just say you are going to be surprised at the number of hands that reach out to offer help if you are sincere. I know things look very scary right now. But with help, it will be ok, start with an AA meeting.

MC
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Unread 01-18-2009, 06:54 PM   #10
olivia
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Thanks so much! I have been reading and researching all day... you are correct. I don't know who you are but I love you so much for your support. Please don't leave me! I look at my tiny daughters face and then try to connect on a level with my 3 year old and realize I have no choice.
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Unread 01-18-2009, 06:56 PM   #11
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olivia,

God bless you and your two children. I think paulmaury said it best; "You are not alone"
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Unread 01-18-2009, 07:11 PM   #12
olivia
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Thanks for the advice. Wow! really? 9 months seems like an eternity. How in the hell did you do it? I want to be you. I see my own childrens pediatricians, my obgyn, my very own clients and think how wonderful their lives must be and how horrified they would be if they knew my secret life. I feel totally alone and hate it. This site has become a lifeline for me. I am together enough to use my immediate resources-a psychologist & church- and I am using both in a limited capacity. This is the only place I have admitted my problem. Today I have researched and cataloged several different options for treatment. But I don't think I have the courage to move forward. The only AA meetings are at least an hour from me. If you are 9 months sober what keeps you coming back to this site? How did you dodge the financial and reputation ramifications of seeking treatment?
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Unread 01-18-2009, 07:15 PM   #13
olivia
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Thanks for the input- you all are making all the difference in the world to me. And believe me, I feel like I am at the bottom of a well. Your support is appreciated more than you know.
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Unread 01-18-2009, 07:52 PM   #14
paulmaury
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Dear Olivia,
Many of us have been in your shoes and had that fear of "who to trust". That is understandable, but in order to really get the ball rolling (as to treatment), you must be honest. Those who do not recover from addiction (alcohol abuse) are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to some type of treatment program, usually those who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Yippee, for you to have someone like MC to relate to, because it seems like she has given you the hope to get you started on the right path! We are all here for you, so keep us posted! Just another addiction survivor.......Paulmaury!
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Unread 01-19-2009, 04:36 AM   #15
Mystikchick
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olivia,

I am so happy I could be of help! I just couldn't take it any more, I would get the kids to school, (late, ofcourse) and be wasted by 9 am. No one knew....at first. I am a housewife. My son is 4, well 3 before I stopped drinking and is mildly autistic. Through months of intensive treatment and counseling I have found my drinking triggers. I have a step daughter who I am "Mom" to. Her birth mother has no legal rights. My son is only mildly autistic, he is very social and has had very early intervention and is doing great! But I hid from life behind the alcohol. Whatever I didn't want to deal with, I hid, in treatment I came to realize I blamed God and was mad at him for my son's autisim. But now, I don't see it as an affliction, I see it as a gift. He is a sweet, very smart kind little boy and I wouldn't trade him for the world! You have to be there for those little ones. No one can replace you. You have to learn to love yourself, forgive yourself, forgive others, and see what is truly important in life. I found a church I really like. I renewed my relationship with God. I am not a "bible thumper" by any means, but prayer is now very important to me. I have also learned to meditate. It is very peaceful. It helps you to look within yourself. Once you can look yourself in the face, even those nasty bits you really don't want to, (and believe me we all know) and you have nothing to hide any longer, its amazing how much better you feel. If you have the physical craving too strongly, you are going to have to go through some sort of safe medical detox. Your counselor can recommend somewhere or you can go to your nearest hospital. I'll be around.
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Unread 01-20-2009, 04:10 PM   #16
CarlyO
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Default HI Oliviia

Hi Olivia,
You have already received excellent feedback, I just wanted to check on you and see how things are going and share.

I completely understand the fear about getting help, even though I worked in the field and know what the laws are, I was still scared when I relapsed after over 10 years. I was beyond terrified, and I stayed in misery a lot longer than I needed to because Of what IF ? I was also seeing a counselor but not being honest, I minimized my substance misuse and kept wondering why I was not getting any better ! I ended up just spinning my wheels - paying for therapy that was based on BS!

BUT - one thought that I could not escape was... how can I instill the things I want for my child, emotional stability,happiness etc... if I do not have them? So, I got help, intensive help, to deal with everything including the shame of what I was doing to my child Yeah, I can sit here and say I relapsed because xyz, but the truth is - this disease is tricky and will "talk" to you, like " oh you are not that bad off or it is only to relax, you are stressed , you deserve it" Before long, I am sick and deep into my diesase.

Part of my therapy was writing letters to my child which I read in group- it was powerful, but at the same time, that guilt and shame was lifted,I felt lighter. Now I can be with my child, truly be there and I feel good. You will too !
If stopping the roller-coaster is what you want then you can do it ! - you can get help and with some work have a new life !
I hope all is going well, keep us posted : ) take care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-22-2009, 01:50 AM   #17
Mystikchick
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Hope all is well Olivia.
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Unread 01-22-2009, 02:51 PM   #18
olivia
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Hi everyone and thanks for sharing. Your advice and stories are so very appreciated. I have no choice but to make a call today. I want my girls to grow up strong and healthy, self confident and with the knowledge that they are so, very loved. I see the person I want to be but I can't seem to get there. I am so very scared and worried but this is no kind of life. I keep it all hidden but it is eating me alive and as I've said before, my girls deserve better. I started drinking tuesday night and then stayed home yesterday under the pretense of not feeling well but truthfully it was so I could stay in bed all day and drink. My children were barely cared for (safe but not well tended) and the guilt of that today is devastating. I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic trying to figure out how I got where I am. There is a reason alcohol is called the "silent seducer" and I am afraid it will kill me. My girls need me and I want to be the one to raise them. I really appreciate the posts and your input. I will keep you updated. Thanks so much. Olivia
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Unread 01-22-2009, 03:14 PM   #19
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Hi Olivia,

I hope you will make the call, you have nothing, absolutely nothing to lose and everything to GAIN by getting help asap. You do not need to have all of the answers today, the answers will come when you seek help.
We will behind you 100% ! You can do this - let that be your mantra - YOU Can do this Olivia !
Take care : ) Carly
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Unread 01-22-2009, 11:54 PM   #20
olivia
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Thanks to all the support I have received on this site, I finally made the call and have an appointment at Bradford first thing in the morning. I am scared to death but more afraid of not going. I also got brave enough to explore this site and read your stories-it is unbelievable to me how you all got from "there" to here (healthy and happy). I feel blessed to have strong people like you all who are willing to share and inspire those of us are confused and frightened. You all are the best!
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Unread 01-23-2009, 12:03 PM   #21
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Olivia, Good luck to you and your girls!. Please remember; you never have to feel like you have, ever!
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Unread 01-23-2009, 03:18 PM   #22
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Olivia, I hope it goes well today and you have a chance this weekend to post.

YOU CAN DO THIS !! : ) Carly
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Unread 01-23-2009, 06:37 PM   #23
rmontoya
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Olivia, I hope you made it to Bradford what a significant first step. You are strong
and courageous!! I am also where you are at and now I know that I am not the
only one with the problem. I am glad I found out about this site. Good luck
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Unread 01-23-2009, 08:43 PM   #24
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Olivia,

Good for you. All the best. I will be work, but it's worth the investment in effort.
Jerry
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Unread 01-23-2009, 10:39 PM   #25
Rosy
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Hi my name is Marie. I am new to this and hope I am posting at the correct place. I will try to not make this a long story. I am in the process of trying to make a decision of going thru detox hospital or to private Dr. office. I have been taking 20 pills a day and i am in need of desperate help. So thankful for finding this site. How long can u stay on sub.? Has anyone ever gone thru a inpatient detox? I will be out of meds tommorow and in big trouble and not know what to do but know i mUST do something and quick. I have had 3 surgeries in this past year. (not making excuse) I want my life back. Any suggestions would be so greatly appreciated. I do have Ins. Thank God for that. If this is not the correct site to post please someone tell me. Thanks fo rlistening. Marie
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Unread 01-23-2009, 11:05 PM   #26
CarlyO
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Default For Marie/Rosey

Hi Marie,

There are several different forums on Addiction Survivors - click on the link I provided below and it will take you straight to the Bupe site. Or go back to the main page and click suboxone, opiates etc....

http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...splay.php?f=45

You will find lots of people who will provide feedback - I am not sure what you know about suboxone, the site has lots of info and members who are at various stages with it. Most people start suboxone when they are in mild to moderate withdrawals, either at home or their doctor's office. But your doctor will tell you all of this.
And you will find lots of info over on the opiate side, just click the link.

Go over there and post now- there are always members online, and also read as much as you can. I am sure you will be fine, in the meantime, go check the forum out - you will find that you are not alone in this !

Good Luck and post here if you have any problems getting to the opiate /sub side - Take care, Carly
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Unread 01-26-2009, 04:30 PM   #27
rmontoya
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Quote:
Originally Posted by olivia View Post
Thanks to all the support I have received on this site, I finally made the call and have an appointment at Bradford first thing in the morning. I am scared to death but more afraid of not going. I also got brave enough to explore this site and read your stories-it is unbelievable to me how you all got from "there" to here (healthy and happy). I feel blessed to have strong people like you all who are willing to share and inspire those of us are confused and frightened. You all are the best!

Olivia-
have not read any posts--hope everthing is well
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Unread 01-26-2009, 10:38 PM   #28
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Hi Olivia,
I too am wondering how you are? I hope all is going well. : ) Carly
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Unread 01-27-2009, 12:51 AM   #29
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Carly we've all been there. I started drinking when I was 13 now I'm 45. I wasted 30 years smoking pot and drinking. Find an AA meeting, or if you're a christian try searching for a recovery now support group. It's a christ centered 12 step program. Go to the web site and search for a group in your area. Good news is you've already got step 1 down you've admitted that your life is out of control and your powerless over alcohol. When you quit you may go into DT's (delerium tremens). You'll feel like crawling out of your skin, you may shake, you'll probably lose appetite, and you may have trouble sleeping for a while. It will pass. If your shakes are real violent or last for more than a few days, seek medical help or try slowly weaning yourself off booze. Cold turkey can be dangerous.You may start having night sweats, and nightmares. It will pass. Find a support group! You'll find your not alone.Helping you helps, us it reminds us of what we went through and helps us fight relapse. Your local support group will honestly be glad to see you walk in the door. God loves you, and he can get you through your addiction. I know you can do it one day at a time.
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Unread 03-06-2009, 05:02 PM   #30
olivia
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Dave- I am not there yet but...I have been and need your input...
To everyone else: Hello. I would apologize but I assume you all are used to my kind of tardiness. Since I logged on last: Bradford wanted me to go away to Alabama-no go with 2 terribly attached children and a functional life- but it has to stop, I started AA and can already feel a difference. Contradictory to our addictive tendencies we want to hide and sequester ourselves. I did not abandon the wonderful people who have supported me on ths site! I love you guys. I took my 4 month old and 3yr old out to spend time with an AA sponsor and ended up arrested. Now I am facing a DUI, child endangerment,what the hell, I thought I was doing the right thing with no alcohol under my belt for 4 hours prior, but I ran out of gas...- it doesn't matter what happens. I am lucky that I was arrested, spent a night spooning a meth addict on a concrete block with no running water or blankets, crying so hard over missing my girls that I puked several times- my dying mother had to come and get them and then come back with MY money and bail me out. I am going to vent and not be so nice. WHat the Hell happens to us? I am a type A personality. college and high school honors stugent with honors,cholorships in track... I used to be a beauty queen, got what I expected...now I am a functional being in a professional world who has two impressionable minds to mold, a dying mother to care for, nothing except my sad brain to rely on and....
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Unread 03-06-2009, 07:02 PM   #31
SLynn
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Olivia

How are you doing with drinking since the arrest? Can you see any changes? My gosh, so much has happened to you. What a mess.

I'm happy to hear you are responding to AA. It's a good start. Perhaps the DUI will be instrumental to getting more treatment??

It's hard being a Type A person. It's stressful and makes for a difficult life to keep up with your own expectations. Perhaps the drinking is related to this?

I can guarantee you that not one person here grew up expecting to have an addiction. It just happens. It's not a character flaw or because you are pretty or not pretty. It just is.

What's your next step?

Keep us informed, ok?

SLynn
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Unread 03-06-2009, 10:18 PM   #32
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Dear Olivia,

How are you doing ? As Slynn asked what is your plan ?

I can understand your frustration, of how did I get here ? The idea that alcoholics are skid row types is misleading, alcoholism does not care who you are, it is an equal opportunity disease. I have a degree, had a great career, everyone kept telling me, jails institutions or death, only until I heard that jail door slam did it hit me, did I get scared enough to want help and do what was asked.
I did not have children at the time and can only imagine how awful it was being away from them and now dealing with child services. But, if you continue to work hard, don't drink, go to meetings, child services will ( imo) take that into consideration. I used to work with CPS so if you have any questions I will be glad to answer them. Hopefully your worker is educated about alcoholism and will be an assest, an advocate ,for you getting healthy.

Please if you can keep us posted, I know things may seem grim now, but you can get through this, you can get to the other side, please have faith that you can ! Take care , Carly
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Unread 03-09-2009, 10:47 AM   #33
olivia
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Well, my plan is one day at a time. I am going to AA meetings daily and checking on an out-patient treatment facility here in town. My stomach turns every time I think about having to go to court. I am praying that child services don't get involved. I have been staying with my mother (partially because she is so sick and partially because I have to stay sober there). I am not having withdrawals but mentally I am a mess-frustrated, scared etc...
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Unread 03-09-2009, 02:41 PM   #34
dave53190
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Hi Olivia,

I feel it is my responsibility to share with you things about my life that will bring hope to you. I read your posts and can see that you have an uphill climb. It sounds as though you are alone and there is no hope.. But, guess what? Everyone that is responding to you on this website has faced what you face; has felt the way you feel. Like paulmaury said on Jan. 16, "you are not alone".

There was a time in my life when I felt scared, frustrated, demoralized, worthless, hopeless. I too was facing a long uphill struggle. My problems were insurmountable. I knew that the next thing to happen to me was my dying. (Crazy thing, I knew that dying would solve my problems).

Anyway, someone I had met in AA, when I was only a few weeks sober, told me, "If you do your very best at doing a few suggested things, everything will be OK". He was right, everything has turned out to be OK in my life. It hasn't always been problem free. I have struggled at times. But today I can accept life on life's terms. I have never felt like I did when I was newly sober. Today, no matter where I'm at; no matter how I'm feeling, I am not alone.

I wish you the very best Olivia. I have gone beyond believing prayer works, I know it works. You and your kids will be in my prayers this evening. Dave
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Unread 03-10-2009, 09:57 PM   #35
CarlyO
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Hi Olivia,

I can imagine you feel sick inside, and on top everything you are taking care of your Mother. That sick feeling will go away if you keep pushing forward, taking it one day at a time. I really have faith that it will.
Do you feel better after a meeting ? Counseling, outpatient should all help your case. I do not know the specifics, but honestly I think, as long as you continue working on getting better, you have proof, like someone at AA to vouch for you, a counselor or IOP program,the judge and if it turns out even CPS will take note of it. You can get through this and maybe one day look back at this as your wake up call that changed your life for the better !( that is how it happened for me). Everyone here is pulling for you, hang in there and God Bless, Carly
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