Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 11-29-2009, 08:50 PM   #101
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Hi Marilyn,
I saw you post on another thread and have been thinking of you.
I hope all is well and you had a nice Thanksgiving. Curious to know if Mike visited. Sending prayers to you all, take care, Carly : )
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-01-2009, 12:42 PM   #102
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi Carly, We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Picked Mike up Wednesday at the train station. He greeted me with a bouquet of beautiful flowers and a big hug. What a differenc a year makes! He stayed with us Wednesday and Friday night, stayed in Vermont Thursday night. We drove him back to Portland early Saturday morning so he could go to work. A few times he did complain about the minimum pay he received when others sat home and collected unemployment or disability. I just listened and said at least you have a job, which he agreed but feels its hard to be able to have a one bedroom apt. and a vehicle on $7.50 an hour which is very true. However, I hold my tongue because I want to say you did at one time have a good pay job that today may have been a good pay if you stuck with it. He knows this so I just let it go, I have learned now that he is really beating himself up that he knows where he was and why he needs to do the best he can now.
My daughter Lisa is hanging in there, she will do the 48 hour tomorrow thru Thursday. Please keep her in your prayers that this is the last of treatments and they have got all the cancer. Hope your Thanksgiving was a good one. You always find time to write a kind word or send sincere thoughts to all that write on the forums. Thank you! It really means alot! Sending prayers to you. Take Care, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-02-2009, 07:01 PM   #103
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Hi Marilyn,
I am so happy for you and Mike, wow ! Though i know it must be a bittersweet time with Lisa's illness, Yes, absolutely sending prayers your way for her !

Thank you so much for the update on Mike, and the FLOWERS ! again, WOW ! Yes, what a difference a year makes.

Take care, Carly : )
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to CarlyO For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-03-2009)
Unread 12-02-2009, 08:33 PM   #104
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Marilyn, Good news on Mike. He is young & can rebound. Lisa is in my prayers.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-03-2009)
Unread 12-24-2009, 09:05 AM   #105
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi Everyone! First of all I send sincere wishes for everyone to have a wonder Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year. Mike decided not to travel to NH & Vt for Christmas. I do have some reservations, however, he said everything is fine, just wanted time to just relax instead of traveling. I said O.K. maybe we can come visit next week during his time off, which he said would be great. All I can do is hope he gets through this rough time with Holiday celebrations to stay sober. It really is hard to not see him, but I know he needs his space. Also, the gift giving part really bothers him when he doesn't have the means to give. We all have explained that it is him we want to spend time with not get gifts. Somehow this is a difficult thing for him to grasp. We did get a lovely Christmas Card from him. Again I send many prayers and Hugs to all that are facing difficult times this Holiday season. Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-24-2009, 02:24 PM   #106
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

I'm so glad to be sober this time of the day!!

Marilyn, it is not good for the alcoholic to isolate themselves. That being said the main thing is that he is not drinking. In addition to drinking we have a thinking problem. We work on the drinking problem by staying sober 1 day at a time. The thinking problem we strive for progress not perfection. Have a wonderful Holiday season.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-25-2009, 07:42 AM   #107
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear Marilyn,

Merry Christmas to YOU ! I think it is a good sign that he sent you a card, he is working a lot to pay his bills, work his program, maybe he really does want some R & R? I do hope he goes to some meetings, just so he is not alone .
You are right- we all can get caught up gift giving, which in the end is not the end all be all. Maybe tell him the best gift he can give you is to continue on his path and not drink. I do hope you are able to see him next week, I am sure seeing him doing well will be the best gift!

Enjoy your day with your family, take care and sending blessings
your way! Carly : )
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-27-2009, 12:10 AM   #108
Magda
Moderator
 
Magda's Avatar
 
Posts: 417
Default

I agree with Carly- telling Mike that his recovery being #1 is the best gift he could possible offer would be really important. Letting our loved ones know how much we care about their recovery can make all the difference to them.
Wishing you and your family the best for the holiday season.
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
Magda is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-22-2010, 08:33 AM   #109
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi To All,
I haven't writen in quite awhile as my family and life has been going pretty good. My step daughter has been doing great, she is in remission at this time and keeping us updated weekly as to her progress.

Daily I read other forums, happy for some and sadden to hear the pain in others, I add them to my prayer list. I believe when we love someone with all our heart with an addiction problem may it be alcohol or drugs we are constantly in turmoil with the addicts choices. A month shy of one year that I brought my son Mike to Friendship House in Portland, Maine he is among the missing once again.

I received a call from him on March 8th saying he was moving from where he was living and would call with the address. Well no call for over a week, I called his friend's cell on March 16th and he said he had a place to live but didn't have adddress. On March 20th I receive a call from his boss asking if I know where he is, which I remarked no, what is going on? He proceeds to tell me that Mike has been having a problem with attendance lately and now that he hasn't called in for two days there is a bigger problem (zero tolerance policy). Well I was besides myself I explained that I hadn't heard from him in a while.

So now my anxiety is up, quilt moves in, should I have called work eariler? made a visit to see him? Call it a Mothers instinct, I felt fear when he was moving that something was wrong, however when I shared my feelings with his step father and father they said "Let him make his own decisions, he needs to grow up without his mother always making his way. May be right but it still hurts the not knowing whats happened.

So I ask you all to keep us in your prayers. I appreciated any feedback to how to find out what Mike may be thinking or feeling to cause him to give up all that he has accomplished in the past months. You all have been a pillar of strenghth for me in the past. Your words of experience and caring are greatly appreciated. I will keep in touch. Sincerely, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-22-2010, 03:54 PM   #110
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Marilyn,

I've followed your posts regarding your son and I was glad for you and him that he was doing so well. I can't imagine how you feel knowing he's being missing work and not knowing where he's living.

I would try contacting him to find out if he is O.K. for your piece of mind. Someone has to know where he's living - friend, co-workers. My opinion - you have the right to know what's going on with him as his mother. I would imagine it's tough to draw the line between showing your love for him and perhaps feeling like your enabling his disease somehow. I say trust your instincts.

I hope you hear from him soon. My thoughts are with you.

Regards
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-23-2010, 04:58 PM   #111
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Saint,
Thank you for your response. I haven't heard from Mike yet, however I received a call from his boss on my cell phone last night that I didn't know about until today. I called but he is off today so I will have to wait until tomorrow. I did reach his friend and he also has not seen him since last wednesday, doesn't know where he is living.

I hesitated but finally asked the question to his friend, "Is he drinking?" silence then yes he is! I am not surprised but disappointed. Now I must wait to hear if he is safe or on the streets once again. I know that there is a relapse but I can't bring myself to understand why he doesn't call someone, sponsor or family. In rehab. he explained that they say you can't do it alone.

His father and I and all the family has given both financial and moral support in the last year. The not knowing is the woarse feeling. All your emotions come to the surface, fear, anger, love, compassion, confusion! Well I have been here before, I will take each day, prayer and unconditional love and understanding will guide me through once again. Hope also that this is just a short episode!

Keep us in you thought and prayers. Take Care, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-23-2010, 09:24 PM   #112
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

mendela, I'm sorry for you & your family over Mikes selfish decisions. It is typical of an alcoholic to put their wants 1st no matter how much it hurts others. Mike now has to be accountable for his actions. He can only burn so many bridges. I hope you at least hear from him soon.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-24-2010, 07:43 AM   #113
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Thanks R.Lee for your words, I know that he and he alone needs to be accountable for his decision. I wonder though is it so wrong for the loved ones of a alcoholic to ask when I finally hear from him, "Is this the life you have chosen?" I know in their drunken stupers they don't really know what they want for sure, but I believe after awhile riding this roller coaster it's as one person in another post "When is enough enough?

The loved ones are always left with what now? how much do I put myself out there to try and change the situation. Go to Portland Maine, search the streets, try to contact his co-workers or the one friend he has. Or do you let time go by and accept the results whatever they may be?

I will keep in touch. Thanks Again! Take Care, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-24-2010, 10:10 PM   #114
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Marilyn, I know when I was drinking that if you asked me that question I would have answered leave me alone because I didn't want anyone interfering with my drinking. Alcoholics tend to isolate themselves. There were plenty of times I would not answer the phone or the door no matter who it was.

I just came back from my son's house in FL He drinks like I used to plus uses pot. He is like I was a functioning alcoholic & drug abuser. His wife is a sweetheart. She is a C.P.A. She is also an inabler. Rather than wanting to be around me in the evening he would spend that time in the garage drinking & smoking. He was verbally abusive to me when he was intoxicated. I never tried to suggest that he stopped doing what he was doing because he would have resented it. He is going to have to find for himself where this life style takes him. He will either get sober, go insane, go to jail or die. It brakes my heart. I can only show him by my actions what sobriety is like & he does not have to live like he is.

I would not go looking for my son if he disappeared like you son has unless he contacted me & wanted help.

I wish you the best & remember your not alone with this problem.

Last edited by R. Lee; 03-24-2010 at 10:15 PM..
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-25-2010, 07:56 AM   #115
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi R.Lee,
Thank you so much for responding to my post. I feel that it must be so heartrenching for you watching your son be a reflection of your past lifestyle. Your son has a wonderful wife that sees this behavior daily and still sticks it out with him. I always felt that if my son found someone that he could share his life with then his behavior would change. Reading your words I quess it doesn't always make a difference, if they will drink or drug then that is what they will do, never given mind to what or who they are hurting.

Do you feel that the asking for help is in a person's mind when every thing you read about addiction that they aren't the same person as when sober? This is the hard part for me as my thoughts get to thinking how much time do I let go by before I don't have a fresh sense of his whereabouts?

I have reviewed my last 10 years of calenders and it seems to be a pattern with Mike that each Spring and just before Christmas he becomes this other person. I have read alot about BI-Polar and I believe there is some mental issues with him. How to convince him or the authorities I don't have a clue.

In the end I believe we all live in our own miseries of substance abuse of our loved ones. We continully try to change the behavior and make sense of why me! We look to some higher power to help us accept what is happening. I unfortunately know that I am not alone, coming to this site and reading the many posts I can relate and feel each of their pain in the struggle to believe that things will get better. We all never lose hope and faith.

Take care R.Lee, Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Keep up the sobriety, you are a positive influence!

Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-25-2010, 07:41 PM   #116
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Marilyn, In my case when I did not drink for periods of time I was nothing more that a dry drunk. My bad behavior still continued even though I was not drinking. I resented not being able to drink. I did not get sober until I was willing to stop feeling bad about not being able to drink, address my chatacter defects & stop drinking.

My past behavior is in my past & I have been able to let it go. I did this by sharing my past with another person & a higher power. I then made amends to the people I hurt or affected. Most accepted my amends & some did not. There is nothing more I can do about my past than be an example of how a sober person lives today. Sure I was an influence on family with my alcoholic behavior. Of my 5 children 1 is in recovery for many years, 1 is an active alcoholic & the other 3 are normal drinkers.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-25-2010, 08:12 PM   #117
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear Marilyn,

I just saw this and am so very sorry. It is with a heavy heart that I read your recent posts and write to you. I know we are in cyberworld, but Marilyn I just feel so sad that this has happened. It is heartbreaking.
I really hate this disease because I know what you have you been through with Mike and I truly thought he was doing so well. I wish I had the magic answer. Mike sounds like he does have a pattern, many of us just shy of a year or other event, start feeling so good,we don't know what to do with these feelings, that is why vigilance is the key.
Right now you just want to know if he is OK, if you can do this do it. From one Mother to another I do not know if I could give up on my child, but there is only so much you can take. Do you think he is too ashamed to contact you ? Not that is an excuse but that is what I would be feeling.

I agree with the other feedback, if you are able to contact him, get a message to him, try to make an agreement with him that he will check in for your sake. If he is not willing to that then I know you are a person of faith and attend al anon so lean on your support now more than ever.
I am relieved to hear that your step daughter is in remission.
Please keep us posted.
You and Mike are in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.

Last edited by CarlyO; 03-25-2010 at 08:16 PM..
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-25-2010, 10:48 PM   #118
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Marilyn,

If I returned to drinking the shame, the guilt would be worse for me I think. I think I would not reach out for help but that is exactly what one would need to do. Initially after I stopped drinking my wife would tell me I should tell my parents about my drinking, I should tell my brother etc. My first insinct was to lash out, and I would. Not proud of my angry words but that was my first instinct, not a cognitive thought, just a quick angry reaction. It took me a while to get my head around her words because I knew them to be true - I just didn't want to admit those words were true, consciously at least.

So I say reach out to Mike, reinforce what he already knows, that you love him and support him but he needs to get well for himself. I hope Mike can find his way back into the light. My thoughts are with you all Marilyn.

Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-26-2010, 07:48 AM   #119
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

I thank all of you in this cyber forum for your kind supporting words. I learned last night from Mike's brother that his Dad had given Mike around $2500.00 around the end of last year. Part was a Christmas gift and the other equal money for the Toyota truck he gave his brother. So I believe Mike felt he didn't need to accept the many changes that were occuring in his life with that kind of money that he hadn't had a long time.

It must be that changes in a person with addiction have many triggers. The need to dull the mind that brings on the anxiety then goes to the drug of choice. Self worth, family, friends fall on the wayside. Loved ones begin the cycle of many emotions, trying so hard to understand and fight with how to help without enabling.

I have written an e-mail to the Friendship House where Mike stayed last year for three months. I feel I have very few contacts at this point to find out if Mike is safe. Where he worked they sound very supportive and took my phone numbers and will make every effort to contact me if he is seen. His friend said the same. So far no word.

I know deep in my heart I will never lose hope and faith that Mike will find his way again. However, I also need to accept the fact that the choices he makes are his alone, sober or not! His family has and will always be here for him, but we need him to reach out to us.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, as I will also. Will keep in touch. Take Care, Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-26-2010, 10:16 AM   #120
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Marilyn,

You're doing all you can for Mike. Hopefully he reaches out for help soon.
Stay strong.

Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Saint For This Useful Post:
Thank You (03-26-2010)
Unread 03-30-2010, 04:07 PM   #121
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi To All,
I began my investigating and have learned that Mike has been picked up and brought to County Jail the 25th,27th and today, only to be released. Charges are Drinking in Public and Violating Conditions of release. So I am certain he is on the skids doesn't want to call any of us as none of us has heard from him. My sister-in-law his god mother wants to go this weekend to Maine and search him out and try and talk to him. I do also, but the areas he was arrested in are listed however, would he still be in the area? What would he do if he saw us? Help! I just don't know what to do? My heart says one thing as always and my mind says when is enough? I want him to come to his senses and turn this around, the not knowing what he wants at this point is the mystery to us all. Has he given up on himself? or woarse his life?

Any suggestions or help would be appreciated. I am at your mercy! Thanks for listening. Prayers! Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-30-2010, 07:46 PM   #122
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Marilyn, I'm glad you found out when he has been & what he is doing. I don't know what to suggest on what you should do. Mike has got to WANT to get sober. No one is going to make him get sober unless he WANTS the help. You got my prayers. I pray every day for the alcoholic that is still drinking.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-31-2010, 05:25 AM   #123
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Marilyn,

Such a terrible decision for one to make. Leave Mike be or try to find him and attempt to get through to him, to help him find his way? My heart is heavy for you. There is no easy answer, and perhaps no right or wrong answer.

To help means possibly enabling Mike's disease and to do nothing would seem to indicate turning one's back to a loved one in time of need. I do not possess the wisdom to tell you what is the correct course of action. I do possess the capacity to attempt to comfort you during this difficult time.

Stay Strong Marilyn.

Regards
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-31-2010, 11:30 AM   #124
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Thank you R.Lee and Saint, Yours words have helped me to think straighter as to facing the hard facts that Mike needs to reach out and want to get sober, I can't do it! I believe loved ones are constantly living in fear that they won't want to be sober and how to let go and live their own life. I have always thought that Mike didn't want to live in constant turmoil, but maybe it is his survival. I will keep the faith and hope alive. Will keep in touch. Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-31-2010, 05:10 PM   #125
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear Marilyn.

I am glad you at least know where he is, though sorry you are dealing with this again. Marilyn, maybe talk to someone about the catch 22 you are in? You deserve to live a peaceful life, but at the same time, I understand he is your son.

I know I shared with you that my family eventually took the tough love approach, while I know today it must have been awful for my Mother not knowing if I would survive. She sought out help via Al Anon, and since I was not willing to help myself after multiple attempts, rehabs etc.. the family cut off all ties with me. I was angry , hurt, ashamed. I had one more chance with the agreement that I paid her back for the cost of facility I went to. I did pay all of it back.
I think what helped me the most was going to long term residential for over a year. I do not know if Mike has burned all of his bridges, but at this point he has to want it and want it bad enough to convince a place that he wants help, do what they ask of him, not put earning money ahead of his sobriety. I lived in a half way house, I learned how to live on very little, was not allowed any extra money even if my family wanted to send it. It made me stronger- there were other things I could do, attend meetings, work my program, help others, I walked a lot because it got my endorphins going again. I finally felt good about myself. I pray the same for Mike.

None of us can make this decision for you. I still hold out hope that he was able to do well for a while, so he knows on some level he can do this. It comes down to is he willing ? Whatever you decide if it were me I would request that he at least let you know where he is, that is not too much to ask from a loving Mother. Let him know that you will always love him. Also maybe have a family meeting on how to be consistent.
My thoughts and prayers are with you , Mike and your family. Hang in there, God Bless, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-01-2010, 08:04 AM   #126
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

My Dearest Carly, How lucky we all are to have such a caring , loving, thoughtful cyber friend. Each time I read your messages to every one no matter what crisis they are in it brings tears to my eyes that you who once brought so much pain to others is now sharing your experiences and bringing so much hope and faith in your kind words. You amoung others have given me the hope that things will change for Mike.

I have rehearsed so many times what I am going to say when he does call. I admit I find the anger coming forward and then the love and forgiving. In all I read about addiction the relapses seem to be the hardest to get through. Mike had done so well and now I don't know if the bridges are burned so bad that it will be harder to mend.

A year in rehab. has always been what myself and family has felt would be best. However, Mike has had other thoughts, 3 months the most and he is out of there. I really feel he does know the difference of the lifestyles. Getting involved with the law is a mystery because it only brings on more financial burden with fines and the such. Part of me wonders if it is a cry for help?

Whaterever; this newest downfall will come to some end. Our family has many things going on right now and each day we must take it slowly and keep the faith. Will keep you all in touch. Happy Easter to everyone. Each of you are in my prayers and thoughts. God Bless, Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-01-2010, 08:16 PM   #127
Magda
Moderator
 
Magda's Avatar
 
Posts: 417
Default

mendela-

Alcoholism is a brain disease, it cause changes that most people are unaware of. Your son is living with the changes that have occurred and many of his decisions are based on his distorted thinking. I would bet that after a few months in the real world, he really starts to get uncomfortable, and tries very hard to live a normal life, but the pull of the disease is so strong. Once he relapses, the thought process changes even more. Many people that relapse figure once they screw up, they may as well keep screwing up but the truth of the matter is- the faster they get back into sobriety, the easier it gets to stay sober long term. Relapses are a part of the process. The worst thing someone could say is, "You were doing so good, then you go and throw it all away". They did not throw it all away, they slipped back into sick thinking, it is quite normal to do so and it can be rectified.
If your son has a sponsor, did he try to find him? I know if it were me, I would try to find him and tell him all is not lost, mistakes happen but it does not have to end badly. He is completely capable of moving forward, he just has to want it. Maybe hearing your voice telling him it is OK, to just get back to sobriety would help, what do you have to lose? You know as a mom, if you don't and something bad happens, you would beat yourself up over it. There is nothing wrong with showing support and reinforcing love- it may be just what he needs.
Another quick thing. There are studies linking alcoholism to the onset of psychological disorders like bipolar disorder. Your son may have had a predisposition for the disorder, and the alcoholism kicked it into gear.
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
Magda is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-02-2010, 07:29 AM   #128
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi Magda,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. Everything you say is what I believe strongly. I just want to talk to him and tell him this is a relapse that can be looked at and he can begin again. I can't even get the opportunity to do this as his whereabouts is unknown. If I keep in touch daily with the police department and county jail, then maybe I will get to locate him. Also the bipolar is a big concern as I believe his mood changes and actions are a concern. Knowing that he will be picked up over and over for public drinkinking and fines added I can't believe that he would want this. Is it a cry for help.

As far as a sponser, I really don't know if he ever connected with one. I have called his friend and he is willing to look around the streets and let him use his cell phone to call me. So at this time, I just wait and see what happens.

Thank you for reaching out to me. Take Care! Happy Easter! Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-04-2010, 09:50 PM   #129
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear Marilyn,

I hope you and your family had a happy Holiday. Thank you for your kind words. I really like what Magda posted too, I know you are constantly learning, trying educate yourself, trying to understand Mike. My prayer is that Mike would give himself time for his brain and psychological issues to truly heal, but we all know he has to want it more than anything.
As always my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there, lean on your supports. Take care, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-06-2010, 08:02 AM   #130
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi Carly, Yes our Easter was nice, thank you. I haven't heard a word from anyone or Mike himself. I keep praying and remaining hopeful that he will find his way back to sobriety. We all seem to go through the feeling that is it better to know the addicts behavior or not to. I find the unknow to be unbearable at times, keep busy and know that the choices are his alone and Mike know how things could be different if he really wants it, operative word being WANTS! Always appreciate you words and thank you for thoughts and prayers. Hugs,Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-14-2010, 11:38 AM   #131
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Marilyn,

Hi - I've been thinking of you and Mike and even though you have not heard from him I choose to think that the seed of sobriety has been planted in him and has taken root. I hope somtime soon he turns back to the light that once nourished him.

Wishing you and Mike the best.

Regards
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-14-2010, 12:54 PM   #132
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi All,
I heard from Mike! He called, very short conversation! Long & Short he messed up. Wow! Just hearing his voice made my day! However, the old Mike with the addiction was answering the questions. All the feelings of worry, anger kept coming forward as I listened to him; the biggest concern of his seemed to be he had lost his ID needed to get another before he could do anything.

I gave him the riot act about not calling family or someone before he started to go downward. He knows he should of and is sorry but could I send $5 or some money for the ID, which I said NO! you had alot of money from months ago which he claims is gone. Doesn' know where his belongings are. He sounded sober, however I really am not sure of why he really called? The money was never mentioned again in the conversation.

I told him I saw he had 4 charges of Public Drinking which I understand from the authorities he did time so they are taken care of. All Mike keep saying "Don't worry I will get straightened out". He was with a guy that had to turn himself in because he was stopped for something. He was using his cell phone so he had to go. Mike said he would call again this coming weekend.

Knowing the sober Mike I keep the prayers going that there is still hope that we can turn this around and begin once again.

Thank you all for your blessing and words of encouragement and caring. I will keep you posted. Take Care. Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-14-2010, 01:45 PM   #133
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Marilyn,

I can only imagine it is such a relief you have heard from Mike. I'm so happy for You.

Stay grounded & stay Strong, one step in front of the other.
Regards
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-14-2010, 04:45 PM   #134
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Marilyn, I'm so glad that you herd from Mike. I'm glad you stood your ground with him as far as money. I doubt he is going to get new I.D. for $5.00.

As a recovering alcoholic I now know that drinking was just a symptom of my problem. My problem was a thinking problem. Always thinking of myself 1st. Using people to get what I wanted. I was almost 61 when I got the gift of sobriety. I no longer live like I used to & of course I no longer drink. Tomorrow I will have a choice to go back to that old kind of living or stay sober. I hope I chose to stay sober.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-15-2010, 09:28 AM   #135
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

R.Lee, Thank you for your response. When you say you recognized that it was a thinking problem, thinking only of yourself and getting what you want,that made you start to change your behavior; or was it when all your loved ones and friends completely disowned you? I feel I am getting harder when it comes to saying no I won't give you money, it scares me alittle that I can be that cold to him. I realize it only enables him by giving him money. What I am beginning to realize is that his sobriety is not as important to him as it is to me.

My concentration now has got to be my step daughter as today she is seeing the oncologist about her pep scan. She feels if the cancer is back she really wants to come home for any more treatments. Our lives will certainly change at that time. Don't get me wrong Mike is still important, however, he needs to reach out to get the help. We are here for him and will help as long as he shows us he is serious.

Keep us in your prayers. Take Care. Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-16-2010, 04:06 PM   #136
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Marilyn, My thinking didn't change until I joined a support group that addressed not only my drinking but how I lived.

My family did not disowne me. I got away with a lot of stuff that no one is aware of except me. I made amends to some of the people I hurt face to face others I wrote a letter of amends & then burnt them. Now I can let that past life go because I'm no longer the person I used to be.

Every day I have a choice to drink or go back to the lying, cheating & stealing. If I do one or the other I will end up doing both.

Until Mike showes he wants help my attention would be on your sick step daughter. I'm not telling you what to do I'm just making suggestions.

Last edited by R. Lee; 04-16-2010 at 04:11 PM..
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-18-2010, 11:31 AM   #137
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear Marilyn,

What a relief to hear from Mike ! I am proud of you for handling his request the way you did because it sounds like he had had money through working ? Other sources? IMO he has got to learn to stand on his own feet - wasn't it his decision to leave the residential facility and concentrate on making money? That always worried me.
Today I know there was a reason I was not allowed any money from my family for over a year, it takes the focus off of what I need to do - work on me, how I handle Life. Rlee is right - for some of us even though the substance is gone - we still behave as if we are drinking... it comes down to be self centered, I want what I want NOW !
That is how it was for me and it takes vigilance to not revert to old ways of behaving.

Maybe your heart is telling you what you need to focus on, your daughter in law? You can love Mike from a distance until he gets back on track.
I am happy that you heard from him, but ashamed or not it was selfish for him to cause worry. He can change, imo - he just needs to sit still long enough for it to happen. Keep us posted when you can.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, take care, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-22-2010, 10:11 AM   #138
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi All, No news yet on my step daughter as to when she will have surgury to remove the lymph nodes. We are holding tight and praying that it will be soon so she can feel better that the cancer is gone.

Mike is back to the old way, called Tuesday in the middle of the night to both his father and myself. He was quite intoxicated, we just told him we couldn't understand him call the next day, also that he woke us up and that was not acceptable. He called twice we had to take the phone off the hook. No call since, so we wait and wonder again! His father and I have agreed that we will support him if he reaches out and gets some serious help but will not give him money!

Thanks for listening and your words and thoughts and prayers are always welcomed. Take Care. Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-23-2010, 04:37 PM   #139
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Good job.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-25-2010)
Unread 04-29-2010, 07:52 AM   #140
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Good Morning Everyone,
I heard from Mike, he had been drinking. He keep saying just be in my shoes 5 minutes and you wouldn't survive. He was cold and wet, needed to move, couldn't reach his father, said " his father must be so busy with all his money he has". He just rambled on about how nice it was we were warm and comfortable. I tried to get in a few words not to nag him but ask what did he feel we should do about his situation? well no real answer. He keep saying he never did anything to anybody and why was this happening to him, I assumed that maybe the party friends said get lost we had enough of you.
When I just listened to him he accused me of not having anything to say so why should he call? I said I have alot to say like how are you going to change this relapse? I will be there in a heartbeat if you really want to change and get back to sobriety. He just keep saying why don't you just enjoy your warm house and lay back in your recliner and enjoy. After a number of attempts to say something I just said why don't you call back when you are sober and can make sense, He than said " You don't care anyway so why bother" then hung up.

Needless to say I was hurt that he was still in his drunken stuper, making no sense and once again into the unknown of whats next. I hate this disease and what it does to everyone around it.

Late tonight we should learn if our daughter will be having surgury to remove the lymph nodes that have cancer. We need to concentrate on her now. Keep us all in your thoughts and prayers
Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-29-2010, 10:22 AM   #141
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Marilyn,I hope your daughter gets some good news.

Mike can't see through the fog. He is going to blame eveyone instead of looking at his own behavior. You have every right to be warm & comfortable. That is how most people live. He can either stay cold & wet or sober up & get warm. Did he ask about his sister?
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-29-2010, 12:52 PM   #142
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi R.Lee, No he never asked about Lisa. He seems to be so absorbed in his own misery that he never thinks of others. I keep staying busy because I want to so much call the number that he called from on my cell phone and give him a peace of my mind. I know he is not the Mike he can be when sober, however the fear of how long this behavior will continue. His father feels that next month is his birthday so get in touch to get a early money present from us. He is absolutely not giving him any money, he doesn't even want to talk to him until he is sober. Tough Love!

I have been still paying monthly on his lawyer fees here which is my birthday present to him. If he wants me to stop then he will answer to the consquences of stop paying. I have no idea what kind of fees he has where he is now. Such a mess! and most certainly a step backwards. I have faith he will change this but am not sure how long it will take and how long his body will keep up. Take Care!

Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-29-2010, 10:17 PM   #143
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

My best to you Marilyn. It is people like you that help keep me sober. I never want to go back to the person I was.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-30-2010)
Unread 04-30-2010, 11:10 AM   #144
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Marylin,

Sorry to hear that Mike does not seem to be taking any responsibility for his actions, and is instead trying to make you feel guilty. He is thinking only of himself and not of others.
Any news of your daughter? I truly wish the best for you and your family.
Stay Strong.

Regards
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-30-2010, 01:15 PM   #145
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi Saint, No real news yet of my daughter Lisa, she is having trouble with insurance covering her surgury, hopeful to have consultation next Thursday. Mean time she is very anxcious and in alot of pain. We are very concerned that maybe she needs to come home and get treatment. Mike hasn't called again so right now he must be with someone or somewhere that he is comfortable.

Thank you so much for your concern for us. Take Care. I will stay strong.

Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 05-04-2010, 12:14 PM   #146
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi All, Well Mike is running the gamet! Arrested again for drinking in public and violation of his release May 1st. In the county jail until 1:00P.M. today. I pondered on going to the jail and waiting till he got out and maybe trying once again to talk to him while he was sober. Something inside of me said no you may go there and not see him or better yet he may not want to talk with you. What a way to live, I want so much to have him change but he seems to have given up.

I will just wait and hope for the best. Thank you all for listening. Take Care, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 05-04-2010, 12:55 PM   #147
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Marilyn, Well he is warm & dry. He can reach out for help with his drinking or go back & get arrested again. We have choices. Today I'm trying to stay sober.

I think you were right in not going to see him when he was released. He will just try & use you. See you thought through the action of going to jail. Mike should think through that next drink.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 05-06-2010, 01:41 PM   #148
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear Marilyn,

I am sorry you are going through this again. Mike knows where to get help. you have so much going on with your DIL. I know you love Mike but maybe loving him from a distance is the way to go for now because I worry about your peace of mind. You have tried to do everything under sun to help him please do NOT ever doubt that.

One word of caution, at one time you mentioned Mike may come into money at some point, , it would be wise imo- to have it put in a trust with conditions- i.e. in a program, as sometimes the worst thing for an alcoholic is money in their pockets. I have seen it happen, in the rooms and in the detox where I worked.

Hang in there, sending prayers your way and for your DIL. Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 05-06-2010, 02:39 PM   #149
mendela
Senior Member
 
Posts: 321
Default

Hi Carly, Thank you for the advice and caring words. I am waiting until this evening when we hear from my step daughter about whether she will have surgury. Also, Mike had called Tuesday around 5:30 P.M at the same number that I can't call back on. He was intoxicated but I did get from him that he was going to a detox center. He apoligized for talking to me the way he did the week before, also that I never give up on him. He was going to get it together again. I just told him I would always be here for him but he had to change his life so myself and others could enjoy his company as we did the last 9 months.

I looked up the detox center and wrote to them saying who I was and my son was going there soon. I asked if family could call or visit someone that was there. The person wrote back to me and said the hours for visiting and that the individuals have rights to use the phone or you could call in and ask for who your looking for and listed the number. So now I am waiting to see if he calls and then I might call and see if he is even there. Lets HOPE!

Thank you all for seeing me through this once again. Keep us in you thoughts and prayers.

Hugs, Marilyn
mendela is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 05-06-2010, 08:26 PM   #150
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Marilyn, I hope he gets himself to a rehab center. You can always say you would take him to one & no where else.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:01 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors