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Unread 05-09-2017, 04:57 PM   #4551
soapdish
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Hi Alexis,

Keep taking it day by day. Today sounds like it was great! I made myself eat veggie soup. That's the way to do it. The dark days and nights are so much worse when we neglect our health, don't you find?

I understand the feelings of fear and loneliness that swoop in when evening comes. Keep doing the things you have been doing, bathing, meditation, reading etc. No thinking in the evenings. Let the brain rest.
Living alone is okay, and it can be pretty great. Sometimes, living with somebody else can be hard work too remember.

You have nothing to be afraid of and you really aren't alone. You have a family who loves you and a family here who loves you. People like you at the gym, the cat lady hired you instantly! Your clients and people you have met at exhibitions and presentations you've given. You left a very good impression on everyone. You're an independent woman in her twenties, a successful artist. You have your own place, not living with your parents still, you lead an interesting life and you are trying hard to always better yourself. It's actually enviable and admirable. Don't worry. You really have nothing to fear except fear itself.

Alexis, we're all rooting for you. You just keep taking it day by day and as well as what you're already doing, keep seeking other coping strategies that can work for you.

phew long-winded again

Olbas oil for colds and muscle rub!!! Thyme tea for a sore throat and bunged up nose.
What art did you do today? Video?

hugs and love
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 05-09-2017, 05:09 PM   #4552
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Hello SD, what an absolutely lovely letter thank you.

How kind you are to me, and make me think about myself in new, more positive ways.

Yes i need to get some of that oil!! I have lemsip and honey for the cold, hope it helps, it gets worse when i lie down in bed.

I made some digital art today, taking the idea of literal representation of words. So i have a white back ground with images like an almond and a house, which literally represents 'The Nuthouse.'

Another one is an image of a wicker basket, and a cd case.....for 'Basket Case'

Erm, another is an image of the characters from Looney Tunes, next to a tick....for Lunatic.

you get the idea hahaa

Im pleased with how they have come out. Its all to show the uncomfortable words people can use to explain or belittle mental illness.

xx
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Unread 05-09-2017, 07:04 PM   #4553
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Extremely interesting Alexis. Right up my street. It would make a very interesting exhibition to tour schools/ invite schools to. Awareness raising and wordplay. So clever. I would come to see such an exhibition.

My grandparents always used to use euphemisms,
a biscuit short of a packet and a sandwich short of a picnic.

Really love it, anyway brilliant Alexis honestly.

good night!

xxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 05-09-2017, 11:12 PM   #4554
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I'm glad you are feeling better and doing art. Have a good day today Alexis.
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Unread 05-10-2017, 09:15 AM   #4555
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Thanks so much SD! So pleased you like the ideas makes it worth while.

And thanks LD you are lovely.

Well it's just gone 2pm and I'm on the bus back from the gym, I am actually so excited and happy right now. So I've been doin running but only been able to run 1 minute 30 seconds before taking a break and then doing another minute. But today I RAN NONE STOP FOR 10 minutes!!!!!! I can't believe it - as I started to run a song I loved came on and at 2 minutes I though 'ok I've gone further than ever but let's keep going' it got to 5 minutes and I felt I had more energy so carried on and on...9 minutes I was losing it a bit but pushed myself to the big 1 0. Then walked for 5 mins then did 1 minute running drills for another 10 mins. Man I feel good!

Will get home and do a weights workout then chill out after a hot shower. It's a glorious sunny day so I might do some work in the garden.

Just wanted to pop in and tell you all

Peace x
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Unread 05-10-2017, 10:00 AM   #4556
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capture the moment and know that when you ever get down you will feel good like this again. Have a good rest of the day!
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Unread 05-10-2017, 01:32 PM   #4557
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Hey Alexis!

In AA, we call what you're currently doing, "white knuckling it!" In other words, white knucklers say, "I will, by God!, not drink no matter what...no matter if it kills me...no matter if it makes me scream and shout and lose my fckn mind! I won't drink!"

But then, you do. Drink, I mean. Then, down the line some, you lose your mind too.

White knuckling never works, because it's based on the lie that all we need is will power. That's BS. No amount of will power can save us. That's not the solution.

You need help, Alexis---from other alcoholics. And not just the few you know on this site. You need group support, Alexis.

At the very least, get a Big Book. Read it. Can't hurt, right?

And then...somehow, somewhere, find some real life people to talk to about these issues. Meet them face to face, eye to eye, hug to hug.

Otherwise, you will drink...and then, sooner or later, you will drive yourself completely mad.

sam
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Unread 05-10-2017, 02:04 PM   #4558
soapdish
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Well done on the running. Your stamina is increasing

Have a nice evening,
I've just one more lesson to go, then dinner!

How did your homemade pizza turn out btw? I forgot to ask.

Xxxxxx
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Unread 05-10-2017, 02:17 PM   #4559
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Hey Sam thanks for popping by always good to see you around!

That's the thing and my thread title asks the question of DO I need help? I'm still not convinced although I know you are...

Big Book? As in .... The bible?!

I had coffee with my friend this morning and spoke a little about my drinking. She thinks it's a good idea for me to go to a SMART meeting so I may go on Tuesday night. I'm terrified though.

SD thanks! Maybe it's silly to feel so happy about the ten minutes?? People can usually do alot more, hours in fact...!

The pizza was lovely thanks wish I could have shared with you !

Just had a hot bath with candles lit and music playing. Bliss...

It's still light out and I have a cup of fruit tea, sitting on the garden, feeling relaxed.

X
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Unread 05-10-2017, 04:38 PM   #4560
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I think when people are upset after they drink, they know they have a problem. An alcohol abuse problem. It could be once in a while or every day. So no worries, you are not alone here.
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Unread 05-10-2017, 05:06 PM   #4561
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Hi Alexis, hiya Sam,

It's an interesting discussion. I think group meetings aren't necessarily everyone's cup of tea, but that is something you can't know unless you actually go to a few!

Going to the SMART meeting is an important step and shows you are growing. It isn't easy to change one's mind about things, so I think it is really great that you have opened up to the idea. In my opinion it is a step in the right direction. Nothing to be terrified of. It's a big personal step, sure, but it's also no big deal. If that makes sense!? Just go and see what it's like. Don't think about it, other than saying to yourself "I'll just go and see what it's like!"

I like that friend. Finally a friend who is supporting you and agreeing that it would be a good idea to reach out for help about your drinking.

Perhaps the question in your thread title has evolved. Do I need help? meaning, do I have a drinking problem? Or is it now, Do I need help to stop drinking? ... because I recognise that I want to stop, but I can't.
Really that's what it comes down to.

As for books, big books, enormous books...I could not have got over the major life changes and problems in my life without having armed myself with information from books. Lots of them.

Not silly to be excited about running non-stop for 10 minutes. It's really cool. I remember when I couldn't even run 10 mt to catch the bus! Eventually I could run 10 miles. Perseverance will be rewarded. You'll see.

And never compare yourself to others (unless you are an actual Olympic athlete of course, or a supermodel waiting at a job interview ).

Lots of hugs and kisses

xxxxxxxx
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Unread 05-10-2017, 05:14 PM   #4562
Alexis
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Hey SD

Yes no pressure on myself, i dont have to go back , doesnt stop me being scared to death though haha silly really.

Im not sure if the question has evolved, mainly because im not entirely sure i DO want to stop....the thought of stopping seems so ... i dont know, scary? Stupid? pointless? i feel im making a big deal out of it and there isnt a problem here.

I googled Big Book and its the AA book....i read a bit from the pdf of it, the 12 steps....agghhhh very religious so i just wouldnt be able to take it seriously. Unfortunately.

Thanks SD about the running, i will keep pushing myself gym again tomorrow. Lets try for 11 minutes

Peace to you xx
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Unread 05-11-2017, 05:04 AM   #4563
soapdish
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Good morning!

Yes I see that Alexis, you aren't convinced that alcohol is your foe. Anyway, I, and apparently also your friend, don't think you're making a big deal out of it. I just think that there's a clear pattern in your thread of drinking periods = bad days, non-drinking periods = good days. Just read.
Anyway, I'm really glad you are here.

Have a nice time at the gym. I'm off to market
Xxxoooo
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Unread 05-11-2017, 06:58 AM   #4564
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Morning SD (just about it is 11.56am!)

Yes i am trying not to think about it right now, everytime i do think about it i get a knot in my stomach and feel sick

I am glad you are here too...

Not sure about the gym today, im aching all over so bad. I have my new weights here so can do a workout at home - i might still go later, sometimes aching is worse in the morning and when i get moving it improves. We shall see...

Oh man, jealous of your market !! I wish so much we had one here! xxx
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Unread 05-11-2017, 12:18 PM   #4565
Alexis
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Hey all. what a long day, its still only 5.15pm but im ready for bed! Did work this morning, on the exhibition and workshop plans, then went to the gym. Was hard today, i dont think i have rested enough and my legs hurt, i only managed 7 mins before i thought id fall off the treadmill hahah. So rested, stretched, then did 40 mins of the couch to 5k training. Lots of running drills.

Not going to let the voices dictate my mood or tell me im a failure etc. I tried my best, ill try again next time, ill get there im sure.

anyway. Just waiting for dinner to cook. Salmon, brown rice and roasted veg. yum.

I reaaaalllly want dominos hahahah but i cant

Football on tonight, but not hopeful of it being a good game so i might look for a film as a back up.

Also, still not chosen a book to read and its making me stressed out! I have a Margaret Atwood book (never read any of hers) but its huge and long and i dont know if i can commit to it....?

So yeah, my day has been long, i need to finish off a report for a meeting i have in Nottingham, then can relax.

I can feel myself going downhill a bit (depression wise) but im trying SO hard to not let myself fall down. Distracting with The Simpsons for now.

Peace x
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Unread 05-11-2017, 03:16 PM   #4566
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Sometimes the low spells are the HALT syndrome and then you get tired and low. So tend to yourself eat and rest. That book sounds good.
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Unread 05-11-2017, 03:49 PM   #4567
soapdish
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Ooh personally I like Margaret Atwood's writing. I remember 'Alias Grace' in particular. Which book do you have?

Enjoy your dinner and relax this evening. Think of your good day at the gym, drink tea and get an early night.
Thinking of you
Xxxxxxx
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Unread 05-11-2017, 03:55 PM   #4568
Alexis
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SD i have The Year of the Flood, have you read it?

My dinner was really nice, im just watching the Man united game. Plum and greek yogurt and fruit tea, and yes will try to get an early night also.

xx
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Unread 05-12-2017, 01:07 PM   #4569
Alexis
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want beers want beers want beers aaaaaghhhhhhhhhh
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Unread 05-12-2017, 01:57 PM   #4570
Alexis
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Everton play tonight. Will try hard to not go get beer. I havent got any in the house but all i can think is. 'why make yourself miserable by stopping doing what you want' *sigh* de ja vu..... x
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Unread 05-12-2017, 03:30 PM   #4571
Tryntryagain
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Good evening my dearest, gifted Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

Don't want beers...don't want beers....don't want beers....what am i gonna do? Aaaaaaggghhhhhh

No need to sigh, if you actually do what you really wanted, you would be really happy with that.

Have a wonderful evening with the footy.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you my dearest, gifted Alexis.
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Unread 05-12-2017, 05:12 PM   #4572
Alexis
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what do you mean Tryn? x
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Unread 05-12-2017, 05:59 PM   #4573
Tryntryagain
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Good evening my dearest, gifted Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

I meant, "turn it on its head". Goodness i so know what it is like when my head says..."drink...drink...."...i know drink.....i know what it does. It is sooooo lovely...like the best friend you ever had for about.....well different times for different folks....not for long though.....then the carnage.

We are here, you are here because of the shebang and hoo hah that the wonderful gift of chaos brings to us when we drink.

I said "don't want beers...don't want beers" because that's what it takes for me sometimes when i feel the way you do.

I used to want to share so much with the family what "sober" was meaning to me. Just not drinking. You know your Tryn, i could not find the words for it. I really couldn't, i still can't.

There is always a part of me at the moment that will always want a drink, a smoke...always. I know him. He is me. Another part of me is strong, and wants to be stronger. There is no place for the drinking or smoking me. I can not exist if i try again.

Backs...up against.....and walls....... spring to mind young lady. I have no choice....you do.

Ok...ok.....i was in your shoes. Hand on heart?........i would say..."you are so sweet Tryn"....and go orfff on my merry way.

1 day....many years hence, you will say....."i remember a fellow called Tryn"......

You think?........

Question...

How many Tryns do you know?....by that i mean "verrryyyy lucky people"?

I am serious.

You can nt look at me....an ole fella, knowing my history and think...."oh well. that's ok.....if the worst happens i'll end up like Tryn and he's ok".....

You just do not get...no one is as lucky as me. You really don't.

Loveliness, you keep drinking....you will regret it.

You simply do not need to. You are so beautiful as you are, and yet to blossom. Hey!!!! and it's spring.

I know what you mean...and that is what i mean.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you my dearest, gifted Alexis.
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Unread 05-13-2017, 04:30 AM   #4574
Alexis
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Thanks for explaining Tryn xx
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Unread 05-14-2017, 06:37 AM   #4575
soapdish
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Wishing you a peaceful Sunday Alexis.
😚🏞️
Xxxx
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Unread 05-14-2017, 06:05 PM   #4576
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Hi Alexis, how are you today, I like to hear what your up to and your news. Take care, warm hugs.
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Unread 05-15-2017, 08:13 AM   #4577
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon my dearest, gifted Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

Not heard from you today. How goes it?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you my dearest, gifted Alexis
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Unread 05-16-2017, 05:22 AM   #4578
soapdish
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Hi Alexis,

How are you today?

Xxxxx
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Unread 05-16-2017, 03:10 PM   #4579
Alexis
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Hello all sorry ive been awol. Sunday i drank a lot, went for a couple with my friend at 1pm, didnt get home till 2am....so yeah...not impressed with my decisions. CONFUSED about those choices more than anything. Does it matter? How do i feel about it? i had fun so whats the issue? etc etc

Anyway, today i have done a lot, got through loads of stuff, chores, and work. And tonight I went to an alcohol meeting.

In fact i just home, made a cup of tea and sat watching the cats in the garden. The sky is grey and i think it will rain again but thats alright. Its relaxing.

I feel kind of sick, numb, terrified....about what it all means. But i'm trying to just think 'Ok this is to help control your drinking, not stop indefinitely' Because that is so scary and not what i want (i dont think) not in the future... To just be able to go for a couple and not turn it into passing out, would be a result!

So the group was nice, they were all lovely and welcoming, one even made me a cup of tea! I had to speak in front of people, but no one laughed or thought i was over exaggerating my problems. A couple of people even had the same issue as i do, where they don't drink daily but when they do its everything. That made me feel less of a fraud.

We discussed why we turn to alcohol, about how thoughts turn to feelings then behaviours and about how past events and outside events can influence us. It was a lot to take in, and i was so scared i'm not sure i did take it all in but that was ok.

Got a headache so will have some food, watch the football, try to relax and get an early night. I've done a lot today and deserve some peace.

So again sorry for not checking in but just needed some space.

Love to you all xx
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Unread 05-16-2017, 04:13 PM   #4580
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That's my pattern too, Alexis. Which is why I give myself chunks of time to be off, rather than forever. If I take months off, I think that to a certain extent it resets some of the neuronal connections that respond to alcohol. Not entirely, but it helps. And that time off also gives me a chance to learn to deal with stress and problems in other ways, and break all of the associations I have with alcohol, of which there are surprisingly many. In the past I experimented with lengths of time, and it seems like 3 months is about the minimum to notice these changes. Just a thought...

The fact is that "normal" people don't have to think about limiting their intake. I have internalized this, and know that it's just a part of my brain. Not good, not bad, just there. I have also managed to convince my dear friend of this too, which is a great step. So we may never be normal. But that doesn't necessarily mean that we have to label ourselves either. It's complicated, and I sympathize with your confusion.
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Unread 05-16-2017, 04:18 PM   #4581
Alexis
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Thanks Millie, yes perhaps i can chalk down a month to stay sober and see what happens. Even that feels scary! With birthdays and nights out planned ugh. i hate it.

But im proud of myself for going to the group meeting. A few of them are still drinking, cutting down gradually, some just dont want to quit but still know they need help.

It a confusing world and i need to stop self punishment, because it may not be my fault.

God now im crying :'(

Ok ok...i have some apple juice, im listening to Bruce Springsteen, im alive, i have a warm house, i have my baby Jackson to cuddle, i have an exhibition on Friday, i have friends, i have a flapjack (ha) i need to be ok. xx
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Unread 05-16-2017, 04:43 PM   #4582
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I'm so glad your back, I just couldn't bear to not have you around and talking each day. It is so important to all of us. As for drinking, I am not on the same page of wanting to drink a little sometimes or not quit for good. Keep please explaining that philosophy because, if you are mad at yourself, feel bad, numb, etc. the next day after drinking, why does one want to drink? It is just for discussion, no judgement of course ever...I just want you to be happy every day.
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Unread 05-16-2017, 05:07 PM   #4583
Alexis
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Hey LD, well id like to get to the point where i can have a little and NOT feel guilty and bad about it. I think i do at the moment because i get mega drunk and do stupid things like take drugs sometimes etc. I want to be able to enjoy A drink and not go overboard. I think im a long way from that though and its for the future Alexis to enjoy. xx
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Unread 05-16-2017, 05:35 PM   #4584
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The thing is, every time we drink too much, we change our brain wiring to want that. Which is why taking time off is important. I read that it takes a full 90 days for neuronal connections to really reset. That's not really a long time in the grand scheme of things. And the difference is really noticeable between taking one month off or three. You really can see what alcohol use does to you after that point, and it's actually pretty interesting. So you wanting A drink in the future without going overboard will depend on your behavior now. Every time you drink too much, you're reinforcing it and making that future less likely. Just something to think about.

But yes, you are right, guilt and punishment are not productive, and can only do harm. So feel good about letting that go.

Is flapjack like a bar of yummy chewy sweet stuff? My friend sent me one many years ago and I kept the wrapper to try to recreate myself because there's nothing here like it.
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Unread 05-16-2017, 05:39 PM   #4585
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I will do my best Millie. I can feel myself getting anxious so ill just try to calm down.

The more i learn, the more i try, the more i stop punishing myself, then i hope i do better. I just want to feel ok.

Yes flapjack is apparently 'a sweet tray-baked oat bar made from rolled oats, butter, brown sugar and golden syrup.' oh man its so good haha.

50p for a little bar !!

I enjoyed it with a glass of milk like a baby xx
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Unread 05-16-2017, 05:42 PM   #4586
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Thank you for the reminder about flapjack. I will have to find some while I'm there. The one my friend sent was vegan (of course) so I'll have to search for it. It was one of the best things I've ever eaten in my life. That and plain chocolate Hobnobs, which are no longer vegan.

And yeah, no need to get anxious. It's all temporary and you will indeed do your best.
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Unread 05-16-2017, 06:00 PM   #4587
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oh yes forgot you were vegan. Some places will defo have it so ill keep an eye out too!!

hmmmmm hobnobs

Thanks Millie, so so good to chat with you as always.

Just went to look for Socks who was literally sat in the neighbours garden in the pouring rain....just sat there....it makes me worry for him. Vets tomorrow again, wish us luck!

xx
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Unread 05-16-2017, 06:02 PM   #4588
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Awww.... poor Socks. Lots of good vibes for tomorrow.
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Unread 05-16-2017, 07:59 PM   #4589
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Ok, I do understand what you are saying and want Alexis,

what I've been told is sometimes we don't want as much, say one drink and then stop and then think " i don't have a problem or a real craving, I'm ok" and then other times you can't get enough. Some people the alcohol problem- mild and some severe....Alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by alcohol..........Like a daily alcoholic or a binge alcoholic or just alcohol usage disorder as the new term infers. So I think, if we avoid it we don't have the temptation and ups and downs, the sadness of not being able to drink one or two drinks and stop, brain trickery or rewiring to wait for. We use our new life and not be dependent or want it anymore and work at a new life. I just feel the need to express this and say when you get sad you can always know that there is someone who totally understands. I hope this will comfort you.
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Unread 05-17-2017, 03:43 AM   #4590
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Thank you LD x
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Unread 05-17-2017, 08:22 AM   #4591
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Hi

I missed you really a lot. I am glad you're safe.
Whether your aim is to reduce and control your drinking habit or to quit completely, I think you need help to do it and so I am really proud of you for going to the meeting.

Persevere Alexis.
And have a nice afternoon🐾
Xxxxxx
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Unread 05-17-2017, 09:41 AM   #4592
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Alexis, I believe that all of us problem drinkers wish they could drink like a normal person. I cant & no longer struggle with the fact that I can't drink. It will be the 1st. drink that gets me.
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Unread 05-17-2017, 11:05 AM   #4593
Alexis
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Hey SD, sorry for not chatting i just needed time away from online. Thank you for being proud of me, that means a lot.

RLee im glad you no longer struggle. I struggle a lot with the thoughts and will work through them.

Today has been long, its only 4pm as well!! aaaghh and so much to do still. I go to Middlesbrough tomorrow to install the exhibition, so im getting ready for that, plus i had to take Socks to his vets appointment, plus had to go buy some milk and teabags.

Just a major rush now, i need to meditate perhaps. There is time....if i tell myself there is...I also am in great need of a bath and a nap because i didnt sleep much last night. But no time (or is there? haha)

Ill keep working hard till around 9pm, grab a bit to eat, try to get a bath in, and get an early night. So 5 hours left to do some more work and pack my bags.

Tomorrow will be mad too, got 7 hours to install the whole show will be exhausted. so its important i sleep well tonight. and be ready for a long hard day.

I bet i bloody forget something as well, ive got two lists but i always mess up something!

Anyway, back to it.... xx
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Unread 05-17-2017, 03:48 PM   #4594
Alexis
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Hey all, 9pm almost here and just about done for the night i think. Phew what a day. Almost packed, just got stuff like meds and make up to go in tomorrow morning.

Im pretty excited really, i love installing work even though its mega stressful.

Up early for the train and worried ill have a sleepless night again, but i know worrying isnt going to help at all. SO will meditate before bed to calm me down.

Feeling a bit low all of a sudden but the sky is orange and its really still outside so trying to enjoy the moment of peace.

Just about to have some tea and toast and watch the end of the football. Hoping these bad thoughts disappear. x
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Unread 05-17-2017, 03:52 PM   #4595
Millie
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Take it easy... every night that you make it through and mitigate the low feelings is helping to rewire your brain.
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Unread 05-17-2017, 04:39 PM   #4596
Alexis
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Thanks Millie i will do, just watching the football with a cup of tea, and had some toast. Had a lovely bath. I should be grateful and not anxious. x
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Unread 05-18-2017, 03:58 AM   #4597
Alexis
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just about to set off, i might not be able to check in much till Monday evening. Wish me luck.

Peace xx
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Unread 05-18-2017, 06:53 AM   #4598
soapdish
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Very best of luck to you.

It's gonna be great!

Big hugs and kisses, and lots of good fortune your way
Xxxxxx
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Unread 05-18-2017, 08:06 AM   #4599
lostdog
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Will miss your warm posts. Have a fun time. Tell us all about it and take care.
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Unread 05-18-2017, 12:46 PM   #4600
Millie
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Good luck and have a great time.
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