Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 11-18-2013, 09:41 PM   #1
antique
Junior Member
 
Posts: 14
Default New member and needing advice

I am new to the forums and needing to talk to people who have shared my experience. I have been with my husband for 10 years. He has always been a pretty heavy drinker, but either it has gotten worse lately or I am more sensitive. If unchecked, he will go through a 12-pack of beer every Saturday night. He sits alone in his man cave pounding beer until it's gone.

For years, I have tried to get him to cut down or quit, but he flat insists that because he doesn't drive drunk or beat me, he can't be an alcoholic. I'm perfectly aware that this is nonsense, of course, but how on earth do you argue with something so skewed? He honestly sees no difference between one beer and 12 or 15. He also sees no difference between my taking a bath or watching a funny movie when I'm stressed and him getting obliterated. He either needs to drink because he's stressed, or wants to drink because it's quiet and he has a chance to relax, or because it's a long weekend, or his brother is visiting and that's what they enjoy. He makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable or harsh for trying to get him to stop.

The worst part is that he's nicest to me when he's drunk. Most of the time, he's pretty grumpy. He suffers from anxiety and depression, which he absolutely refuses to see a doctor for because he has paranoia to go along with it. He takes some over-the-counter herbal remedies which do seem to help some. But when he's drunk, he tells me that I'm beautiful, and that he loves me and appreciates me. Lately, this just makes me angry. I know that the beer is first and I am entirely peripheral.

I am pretty much fed up with him. Reading through the forums, I see that I am dealing with an awful lot less than many of you. Am I just being overly sensitive? I recognize that I have enabled him for a long time out of a mistaken belief that if I just cared enough, or created a peaceful enough home, or did anything enough, he wouldn't feel the need to drink anymore. Boy was I wrong. I am worried about how he would function without me, though. I interface with the world for him (also bad, yes) because of his anxiety and depression. His family would be no help, with a borderline personality disorder mother and siblings who drink just as much. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could lock the whole family away for their own good. I don't respect him anymore, and I don't love him now either. I just feel guilty forcing him to deal with the world when I've tried for so long to protect him from it. I fully recognize that I work longer hours than I need to just to stay away from him. When I am working, I feel happy and fulfilled because I love what I do and I know I'm good at it and am respected by my colleagues. But as soon as I turn the car toward home, I feel gloomy and sad. I'm not at all given to that, either. I'm generally cheerful and easygoing and it makes me so angry that he's taking that away.

I'm terribly sorry for the long post, but I don't feel ready to talk to any of my friends about this yet and knew that you would all understand.
antique is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-18-2013, 10:20 PM   #2
1418
Senior Member
 
Posts: 427
Default

Hello Antique,

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. I don't think you are being overly sensitive. From what you have written, it sure sounds as though he is self medicating his anxiety and depression. Would he talk to his regular physician about this?

It is so frustrating. A brain chemical that is out of balance is what it is - a real, physical condition. There are treatments!!!!! And they can make such a huge difference in a person's life.

I'm not sure what advice you are seeking, but you sound like you have your head on straight to me. What do you want to do?

Feeling guilty - watching somebody struggle when you stop "protecting" him/her... is something many of us can relate to. Have you tried writing in a journal? I found that to be very helpful.

Hang in there. Take care!
1418 is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to 1418 For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-25-2013), Thank You (11-24-2013)
Unread 11-19-2013, 02:04 PM   #3
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Antique, Welcome to the site.

I drank for 42 years. The days I worked I drank less. On my days off I drank about 10 /15 beers a day. It was normal to me. I could also go to the VFW & drink 30 beers & drive home.

I was a me, me person who put my wants 1st & that included drinking. In the meantime I was divorced 3 times with children living in MI & CA. To me paying child support was being a good father.

While drinking I gave away wives, children, parents siblings, jobs & friends.

I was 2 & 1/2 months shy of 61 when I got sober. I will be 70 years old tomorrow. Today I have a good life with my 1st & 3 wife. (same person).

I needed a support group of recovering alcoholics to get sober. I could not do it by myself.

It is you choice if you want to live like you are. You can talk to the heavy drinker or the alcoholic until your blue in the face. Unless he wants to stop on his own for himself you are wasting your breath.

Good luck on your decisions.

Last edited by R. Lee; 11-19-2013 at 02:07 PM..
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-25-2013), Thank You (11-24-2013)
Unread 11-19-2013, 02:29 PM   #4
jenm
Senior Member
 
Posts: 976
Default

Hi antique!

I am a recovering alcoholic who has been in relationships with men (some long term) who were also alcoholics. It sounds like you know where reality is, and are maybe struggling to have your reality fit into what your husband is doing. It won't.

For years I made excuses for the alcoholic boyfriend, or my ex-husband. You are not being overly sensitive, it sounds to me like you are finally realizing that this is not a normal way to live. When I drank it was because I was happy, sad, friends or relatives were around or were not around, you name it I drank because of whatever situation I was in and I could justify anything. As Lee mentioned, it is ultimately your choice to decide how you want to live your life. At this point it doesn't sound as if your husband thinks he has a problem. He will do absolutely nothing about it until he realizes that he does.

There is a reason that you are here, and trust me, we have all been in a similar situation! We are not here to judge, but to support you no matter what your decision. Please let us know how you are doing, and take care! Jenm
jenm is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to jenm For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-25-2013), Thank You (11-24-2013)
Unread 11-21-2013, 11:06 PM   #5
antique
Junior Member
 
Posts: 14
Default

Thank you 1418, Lee, and Jenm for your encouragement. I really appreciate it!

Lee - It finally hit me last weekend that my husband won't stop drinking because I think he has a problem. I cannot fix him, and trying to has occupied my thoughts and time for ten years.

1418 - He has flat out said that he is self-medicating, knows it, and likes it that way. I have tried many, many times to get him to seek help, but as long as he views it like that and holds the belief that seeing a doctor will get him into some mysterious government database, there's no chance of him going.

Jenm - I think you are right that I'm trying to force the two realities together. It isn't helping, has never helped, and there is no reason to think it ever will.

The hard part is figuring out what to do next. I need to bide my time until after Thanksgiving. He actually wants me to stay with his mother or at a hotel so he and his brother can go on a bender Tuesday without me trying to quiet them down at 3am. I am livid, naturally, but I suppose the peace would be better than the infuriating night I usually spend when they do this.

Thank you again! It feels so much better to get this off my chest.
antique is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-22-2013, 01:23 PM   #6
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Antique, See how he puts his wants before you. Typical alcoholic thinking.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-22-2013, 05:57 PM   #7
antique
Junior Member
 
Posts: 14
Default

Lee, you're so right. Why did this kind of behavior not strike me as wrong for so many years? I suppose it comes down to not feeling like I deserved any better. I'm even more annoyed now, but mostly at myself for putting up with it for so long when I might have done something about it.
antique is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-22-2013, 08:22 PM   #8
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

antique, I did it for 42 years. I do not regret the past. I have made my amends & let it go.
Don't be annoyed at yourself. We are not bad people. We are sick people getting better.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-22-2013, 08:37 PM   #9
RIX
Member
 
Posts: 95
Default

Hello Antique,

Just some of my thoughts as a recovering alcoholic and someone who has a family member who is battling currently as well...

We all have our moment when we realize something has gone wrong and is no longer acceptable, try not to beat yourself up for the time gone by... it is what it is. Alcoholics are master manipulators, liars etc... you did not know what you did not know. The good news is you're eyes are open now and you can learn to respond in more healthy ways moving forward.

I would recommend a couple of books if I may: "codependent no more" is an eye opening book for those dealing with an addict in their life. The other is "addict in the family"... a sobering (no pun intended) read for those of us with addicted loved ones. Both are available at amazon and most any book seller. I really believe that learning as much as you possibly can about alcoholism is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and for the addict we love... nothing will change if we don't begin to do something different... that begins with learning in my opinion. Reading and posting, venting etc.. here is also a huge benefit in my experience.

The last thing I would mention for now is- we can often feel an incredible sense of urgency once we realize what has been going on, and the broken and unhealthy nature of the situation... we want to respond and react right now, change things, fix things... etc... the truth is it is better to take some time, learn, talk to others, think through what it is you want, need etc... what is best for your family, yourself, your plans and goals for a happy and healthy life that you deserve? That might sound silly, even harsh in the midst of something so serious... but I really believe that reasoned, well thought out and educated decisions are far better than knee jerk reactions.

Just some thoughts to consider, you are in my thoughts!!

Blessings,

rix
RIX is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to RIX For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-25-2013), Thank You (11-24-2013)
Unread 11-23-2013, 07:35 PM   #10
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by R. Lee View Post
antique, I did it for 42 years. I do not regret the past. I have made my amends & let it go.
Don't be annoyed at yourself. We are not bad people. We are sick people getting better.
antique, My last post did not make much sense.

You do not have to live like this. You have choices. Take time think your actions through & then do it. You can not make him stop drinking.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2013, 11:48 AM   #11
antique
Junior Member
 
Posts: 14
Default

Rix and Lee - Thank you both very much for your kindness.

Rix - You read my mind. As soon as I realized, I did indeed want to stand up in the middle of the room and shout 'no more!' But you are right that I need to think things through. Being impetuous won't make this any easier.

Lee - I understood what you meant! Thank you. It felt for so long like there wasn't any choice, but I see now that I have to find my own way.

Well, the family came into town. I do like his brother - he's always kind and respectful to me, and is madly in love with his wife of 15 years and their young son. But my husband and his brother together are party animals. They were not supposed to drink yesterday - it was going to be a family day to spend time together. Instead, it was a beer fest. They spent the whole day upstairs getting wasted and I had to grade papers while trying to entertain my SIL (whom I do adore), keep my MIL happy, do laundry for the week, try to keep the house in some kind of order, and get ready for a surprise visit from my stepdaughter... I am working so much and am under so much stress that I'm coming down with a cold, which rarely happens. I went to bed with earplugs like I always do when my husband and his brother get together. My SIL kindly took MIL, drunk BIL, and my little nephew home at a reasonable hour so I could get some rest. But my stepdaughter got in around 11, and she and her dad stayed up until nearly dawn. I was woken up around 3:30 and only dozed after that. So fed up. And tired.

I'm glad I have to be in the office today, or I might break my resolution of holding my tongue until the family have all gone home.
antique is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:16 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors