Addiction Survivors


Unread 09-12-2013, 06:05 PM   #1
Junior Member
Posts: 1
Default Boyfriend has a cocaine problem. Don't know what to do!!

I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. Early on in the relationship I would notice him acting different when we went out with his friends to bars and such, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I then found through snooping through his phone (which I am not proud of) that he messaged his roommate saying he wasn't sure it would work out between us because he wanted blow too much. I then tried to bring it up, and he told me he did it once in a while. Then I really started to notice the way he acted when we went out....the disappearing to the bathroom often, the erratic behavior, etc. I've never been around cocaine in my life so I really didn't know what to look for, but when I found out he did coke it was all so obvious! He became this completely different person, and when he would come down he would start saying the most horrible things to me, "I'm not attracted to you", "i don't love you", "this isn't going to work out", "something is missing". But then a couple days later, like clockwork, he would say he was acting crazy and things would go back to normal. Finally, I started to see the pattern and almost every time he did blow he would treat me like shit the following days and would just say horrible things. He also gets very violent and angry for no reason. For months he denied cocaine use, even when he was obviously high, and it caused so many fights! He and his roommate both work in the restaurant business, and have grown accustomed to this late night lifestyle. His roommate (who has since moved out) is a bartender, and always has coke on him. We finally got to a place where he wasn't afraid to tell me that he was going to do it, and sometimes I would say that I didn't want him to but for the most part I was just happy that he wasn't lying to me anymore. He's a manager of a restaurant, and it has never interfered with his work, but that doesn't make it ok. It seemed like things were getting better between us, and he asked his roommate to move out, which I was thrilled about, and we decided to move in together. The cocaine use had gone down a lot, and things started to kind of settle in. His roommate decided to move a mile down the road, and for the past couple months he's been going over there at least twice a week and using and basically stays out all night or strolls in wasted out of his mind at about 6 am. Aside from cocaine, he drinks a lot! I tried to have a heart to heart with him a couple weeks ago and basically said I would support him any way I could, but that there couldn't be a future if he kept doing this. He agreed and said he was going to stop and that he would prove himself to me. Last night we were home relaxing and I went up to bed early bc I had a headache, woke up around 2:30am and he wasn't home. I called and he was out with his old roommate at their local spot, he said he would be home in an hour but then I wake up this morning and he's still not home. I know what went on, because that's what they do when they're together. I don't know what to do anymore. The more I try to talk to him, the more I feel he just says things to appease me and just goes off and does what he wants anyway.

A little background on him...his older brother died in a tragic car accident at the age of 19 and my bf was 13. His parents marriage proceeded to unravel as they couldn't deal with the grief. My bf was left while his dad was out dating again and his mom moved in with her new bf. The loss of his brother is something that he still brings up (only when he's wasted). The more I talk to his hometown friends and start piecing things together. He started drinking heavily and using a lot of different drugs, I'm guessing as a way to deal or surpress what he was feeling. I'm no doctor, but I feel that until he can deal with the underlying issues that he won't be able to get past the drug and alcohol abuse. And anytime I try to get him talking he just stops it completely.

Anyway, this is my first post and I feel like I've been rambling, but I just need help.
concernedso is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to concernedso For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-22-2014)
Unread 09-13-2013, 11:10 AM   #2
Posts: 25,466

Hi concernedso, welcome. Unfortunately, your boyfriend has to seriously want help before he will do anything. At this point, you've said all you can say, you've offered your support, your help and your love and he continues to do what he wants to do.

It could very well be that he hasn't dealt with his brother's death and, you're right, until he works on that, it's likely nothing will change. That said, have you thought about writing him a letter, telling him everything you're thinking and how you feel - specially about there being no future if he continues? You can give it to him or leave it for him when he is not using and is alone so he can read it and digest it. Hopefully he will want to talk with you about it.

But you have to take care of yourself. Figure out what YOU want, how long you are willing to wait - if you even want to. Make some boundaries and consequences for his action/inaction and be prepared to follow through - even if it means you moving out and separating for a while.

It seems like you've all done all that you can do. The big decision for him getting help is ultimately his.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing and please take care of yourself.

Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
NancyB is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to NancyB For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-22-2014)
Unread 10-03-2013, 06:15 AM   #3
Junior Member
mbeetlebug52's Avatar
Posts: 3

Yes, take good care of u. for sure. We cannot change anyone, no matter what we do, but you can change you and know that you are a great person. I would also just a Nar-Anon meeting or a Alan-on meeting. They are great and loving meetings to go for friends and / or family members of addicts or alcoholics. Good Luck Mary
mbeetlebug52 is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to mbeetlebug52 For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-22-2014)

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:39 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors