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Unread 11-11-2013, 10:38 AM   #1
amhwhy
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I have been married 25 years this month. My husband, I believe is an alcoholic. In the last 2 years, his drinking has increased dramatically. He now drinks almost every night, anywhere from 12 - 15 beers. He has no problem drinking by himself in his garage.

I have been pulling away, and on Friday as I was leaving for work, he told me he planned to go camping and said he really would love it if I would go with him.

I agreed but also asked if I go will you agree to no drinking during that time. He hesitated and I told him no pressure just let me know.

He almost immediately sent a text saying "deal" and I thanked him. Friday night we left, had a great evening. Saturday, our 3 year old granddaughter came out to spend the day - which did turn out to be a perfect day.

However, Saturday night his brother and wife showed up and his brother had beer. My husband waited about 30 minutes and then told me I have been good last night and today, could he have a beer? I said you agreed not to drink this weekend. He walked around for a few minutes, went over and picked up a beer, opened it, looked at me and took a drink.

I was truly shocked - I had officially been discarded for a beer.

I walked over to him, told him he broke his promise and I was leaving. I gathered up my granddaughter and my stuff and left for home. I haven't spoke with him since. I also took off my wedding rings, because if I not worth more than a beer, what is the point.

He is due back home today and I am not quite sure how to handle this. Any suggestions would be helpful.
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Unread 11-11-2013, 12:56 PM   #2
1418
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An alcoholic will choose their drink over anything and anybody. I'm sorry for your pain. Many of us have been there as well.

Have you told him you are concerned about his drinking? Does he realize that you believe he is an alcoholic and this past weekend reinforced that for you?

Your beliefs are a result of his actions. You may want to provide him with facts (actions) that make you feel/think that he is an alcoholic.

What you really need to think about is what you want to get out of the conversation. Are you in data gathering mode? Are you trying to determine if he recognizes it as a problem?

If what you are trying to do with the conversation is communicate that you know he has a problem and you are trying to determine what you are going to do with this information... then I think you will be successful. If you go into the conversation wanting something from him, you will likely not be successful.

It doesn't matter what you say or how you say it. Until he is willing to admit he has a problem - nothing will change.

I also suspect he will try to turn things around on you (most alcoholics do). Many times they will say things that have just a hint of truth to them, which makes us question ourselves.

My biggest piece of advice - is to trust yourself.

Hang in there.
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Unread 11-11-2013, 01:51 PM   #3
amhwhy
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I want to have my facts correct that he does have a problem and it can only be fixed by him. That if he choses to ignore it, then I have to protect myself and walk away. That I am not crazy or overreacting to this situation.

And maybe a little confirmation on my part - I am doing the right thing by setting my boundaries and taking steps to move on.

Logically I know what I must do, emotionally 25 years is a long time invested to just walk away.
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Unread 11-11-2013, 04:41 PM   #4
NancyB
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Hi amhwhy, in addition to the great post by 1418, here's a link that might be helpful:

http://alcoholanswers.org/friends-fa...-need-help.cfm

There's a lot of other good information in that site in general:
http://www.alcoholanswers.org/

You are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. You should have consequences for those boundaries - but they must be ones you will keep and not cave in if he is persistent.

I hope that's helpful.

Nancy
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Unread 11-12-2013, 08:22 AM   #5
jenm
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Hi Amhwhy!

I'm sorry for your pain, but just know that you are not alone. I remember the days of being "good" and then "rewarding" myself with drinking. If I was not an alcoholic, I would not think like that. If I was not an alcoholic, I would not drink 12-15 beers each day and not think twice about it. I always like the diet coke analogy. I don't drink 12-15 diet cokes each evening. I have maybe one. My prayers are with you! Please let us know how things are going. Take care! jenm
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Unread 11-12-2013, 10:50 AM   #6
1418
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If you are looking/wanting/needing him to confirm for you that he has a problem, I really don't think that will happen. An addict will lie, cheat, steal, make you think you are crazy, whatever they need to do to keep their drinking world protected.

I think you know something isn't right... the fact you had to ask him to not drink during the camping and then he did anyway... while looking straight at you and opened the beer.... Trust yoru instincts. It gets really messy because a drunk still looks like their sober self on the outside. Sometimes they even talk like the former sober person.... That's why it gets tricky.

If you leave (or ask him to leave), it isn't necessarily forever. I think what you are saying is that you aren't going to live this way (him choosing alcohol over you/your relationship). He has a choice too. He can get own the issue, get help, and go from there. You can always get back together if he proves he is owning his alcoholic thinking/behaviors.

It is difficult not to think in "all or nothing" terms. I really think you are saying this is not acceptable. I don't awant a relationship with the drunk you - I want a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, who is owning his issues and is going to work his guts out to deal with his issues.

You might be walking away... for now. Then it is up to him to earn you back.

Hang in there.

P.S. - my guess is that he will tell you that you are over reacting. None of this is his fault. It is because of _____ (he is stressed, he worked hard, you were naggin, the sky is blue, the birds were too loud... whatever)... anything other than him saying it is his fault to choose alcohol over you... that it is his fault he didn't honor the comittment he made to you... ANYTHING other than that - and he is talking/thinking/acting like a drunk.

Last edited by 1418; 11-12-2013 at 10:52 AM.. Reason: A ps
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Unread 11-12-2013, 11:26 AM   #7
R. Lee
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amhwyh, You are doing the right thing by setting boundaries & making plans to move on. You do not have to live like you have been.
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