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Unread 02-25-2009, 10:01 PM   #1
joejo
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I hope I am doing all this stuff right on this web sight oh well I'll learn. Are there any suggestion on how to handle this situation. Me and my wife are both alcoholic addicts. Since Ive sobered up in may 08, my wife continues to use. We seem to be going down different paths. I have expressed my concern to her how much this is putting a strain on our marriage also have expressed I may even want a divorce if things dont change. What to do, how long do I wait before pulling the plug. I would love to be married to her, we've been together for nearly 20yrs, but Ifeel this situation could also jeopardise my sobriety.
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Unread 02-26-2009, 01:54 AM   #2
dave53190
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hey joejo,

I'm the wrong person to give anyone relationship advice. I'm positive there are other people in this forum who may have some good advice for you.

You may or may not know that you are just as powerless over her and her addictions, as you are of yours. You seem to understand that your relationship with her may be jeopardizing your sobriety. I have had to make plenty of unpleasant decisions in my sober life. Before making any decisions, I would first try and figure out how this decision would affect my sobriety. Congrats to you for almost a years sobriety! Dave
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Unread 03-01-2009, 12:29 PM   #3
CASEY
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Welcome to the site Joejo,

Congradulation's on being Sober for so long! With your wife - she has to hit her bottem.
Sadly when one partner stop's the addiction sometime's it make's the other one scared. Not that they will admit.
As selfish as you were when you drank, you have to be just as selfish in your sobriety.
Sometime's people do not make it when their partner quit's and is Sober, because you no longer want to do the " Old Day's ", you have to look out for you!!
This site is great , we are all stranger's , but in one way or another an addiction has been in our life.
You have to keep helping yourself and hopefully your partner will join you, but don''t expect miracle's - they can be very hurtful when they continue to drink and you don't.
Hang in There!
Casey

Last edited by CASEY; 03-01-2009 at 12:32 PM.. Reason: mis-spelled a word!
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Unread 03-01-2009, 06:39 PM   #4
dankdan
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Howdy- nice to meet you.

Actually- if you read up on Prochaska and DiClemente's Stages of Change, there are things we can do to encourage someone to progress through them. No promises, but hey... who can actually promise much of anything?

The book "Treatment Options" by Volcipelli has a chapter on this topic.

In simplified form, you let the individual be responsible for their consequences. "I love you, but I'm not going to let your stuff cause problems for me". Explain how the behavior affects YOU. Don't nag or that plays into past baggage.

I love you, but your behavior is hurting me and my feelings for you"

Then give them time to digest it.

I know in my case, even though I didn't acknowledge it, I knew everyone I dissapointed and hurt. Leaving me to clean up my own messes and think about what I did? That was tough, and I couldn't ignore it forever.

An important detail is, stick to these boundaries no matter what, and don't make threats you're not willing to follow through on (or your credibility is gone).

In time, maybe you can decide whether a divorce is appropriate or not, I can't answer that one.

It's explained better in the book by Volcipelli, but it's another approach to consider.

Take care. Here's a question... this person is probably ashamed and scared that they can't "be successful like you and others"...

That's an obstacle to overcome just to get a dialogue started.

Any thoughts?

dan
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