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Unread 01-15-2009, 01:04 AM   #1
mrsr
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Default rock bottom

So is this rock bottom or almost.
Tonight I was shaking and irritable so when husband came home I made an excuse to go to package store. Then I opened up the bottle in the car and pulled over in parking lot of a park field. I was on phone with a friend. A cop pulled in and I hid the bottle under my seat-- in the nick of time, but I had another bottle in a bag on passenger seat.
He asked what I was doing and I replied that i was talking to a friend on the phone and that I pulled over so I wouldnt be distracted driving. He shined his flashlight on my car right where the bag of wine was but said I was okay and needed to go b/c park was closed.
All the while I was thinking I am getting arrested and will have to call my husband to bail me out and I have meetings and a presentation to make tomorrow.
How pathetic...I feel hopeless and helpless.
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Unread 01-15-2009, 04:02 PM   #2
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Hi Mrsr ,

Wow, you are lucky - very lucky with the cop. you played it out in your mind, what could have happened, BUT you are not pathetic, scared maybe, but you have to push the fear and do it.
Somehow you have been given a chance to stop before you do have to make that dreaded call from jail. Please take this opportunity, before it is too late. I see what happened with the cop as a sign that something greater than yourself intervened and says this lady needs a chance to at least try !

Re: detoxing from alcohol : You have been building up to this for weeks - it is OK that you did not start your "detox" plan that very night you got the rx.

Remember I asked you if it was possible to take a day or 2 off of work or even wait until the weekend to start your detox. This is why.
IMO - I do not know how you can work a demanding job, take care of a 1 year old and start your detox all at the same time without some help from your husband at least. You have to give yourself a fighting chance.

Can you wait until Friday night and instead of buying alcohol start the meds - take as prescribed by your doctor ? NOT mixing in any way shape or form with alcohol?
That way you will have at least 2 full days to work on this. You may need to explain to your husband that you need him to take over the care of the baby. Will he do that ?

Support : you said AA is not for you - but in the links I gave you there is also SMART Recovery, among others - you are already seeing a counselor which is good.
If you are not interested in peer support ( meetings face to face) then I am sure if you ask any of the members here they will be more than happy to help you through this.
Please give this a fighting chance, If you are scared - remember we all were - but you get through it and it is NOT that bad, especially since you have medical help. You can do this !
Keep us posted, take care, Carly
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Unread 01-15-2009, 08:21 PM   #3
mrsr
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What do you mean by 'this is why'

Remember I asked you if it was possible to take a day or 2 off of work or even wait until the weekend to start your detox. This is why.
IMO - I do not know how you can work a demanding job, take care of a 1 year old and start your detox all at the same time without some help from your husband at least. You have to give yourself a fighting chance.
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Unread 01-15-2009, 09:00 PM   #4
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Hi Mrs,

I was responding to the 3 posts as if they were one post together, thinking about what you posted -
particular what you say here and I will explain....

"But alcohol is sooo accessible. It's impossible not to pass 2 package stores on my way home, and that includes using a detour I feel like such a loser that I cant seem to kick this.

I am so distracted about when, where, how I can cop vodka that I can't focus on work and last week I got a huge promotion with huge expectations that I feel I cannot meet b/c I don't feel I am smart enough or good enough.""

Imo- "I can't seem to kick this " can you try the meds first to see if they will work ? IMO - maybe giving up now before you have had a chance to try, is easier, - it gives you an out. Maybe ? It is scary to think of losing your friend, your stand by.

We can always find reasons and they may be very valid to NOT stop.
BUT if you cannot take a day off from work - then try starting the meds tomorrow night - that gives you almost 3 days under your belt. You may feel good by Sunday, it would be a shame to not try it at least.
Instead of picking up the alcohol ,get the meds, go home, take your meds and tell your husband he needs to take care of the baby until you see how the librium affects you.

Most people I know say that it is similar to valium, in that it could make you sleepy, it should control the shakes. BUT as always talk to your doctor regarding your meds.

I understand your job is your livelihood, but so is your health, well being your happiness. Does this explain it any better ?

I hope so : ) C.
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Unread 01-15-2009, 09:41 PM   #5
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Hi Mrsr,

I am sure some people will be by to post - the thing with forums is some days it is very busy - then not so busy, I am sure by this weekend things will get busier.
Hang in there, C.
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Unread 01-16-2009, 03:45 AM   #6
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Thanks so much. Yes, I am probably on the fence...like I want to quit but Im scared about withdrawal but even more so about how will I cope with things without self medicating with alcohol.

I know I am an adult, but what I really need right now is for someone else to take the reigns and take control of my life (the emotional responsibilities) temporarily so I can regroup, detox and really self-evaluate and get a plan for improving the situations that lead me to drink.

My mom was a coke addict for my entire childhood. Spent 3 years in rehab and has been clean for over 15 years.
My dad, with whom I never had a relationship was an alcoholic and heroine addict and died from AIDS and liver cancer in his late 30s.
So their situations make me question whether I am predisposed to addiction and does that affect my chances of recovering?
I really want to do inpatient rehab. When I mentioned it to my husband he said, I need you here to help with the baby. Which I understand, and I am afraid to leave the baby for 28 days. But I am afraid to go on like this and I think inpatient rehab would benefit me more than AA or outpatient, at least right now. Any thoughts??
Of course I would need an alibi so no one suspects anything. Summer is not as busy as my job, so maybe I could go then and not so far so I could still see my baby and husband?
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Unread 01-16-2009, 05:41 PM   #7
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You are in quite a dilemma. And so it is a matter of priorities. Only you can set them. You make a clear request to have an inpatient detox, that is good to hear. Do you feel you have effectively conveyed the seriousness of your condition to your husband?
Sounds like he could take you a bit more seriously. He could be afraid as well about what your situation means to the family as a whole. He may have his own unvoiced concerns. You really do need him, just keep communicating.

You need the support.
There are no other family members or close friends you trust to that could give a hand?
If there are why, not consider talking with them. That is just a suggestion.

I hope this helps,
Jerry
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Unread 01-16-2009, 07:12 PM   #8
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Hi Mrsr ,

I agree with Jerry's feedback regarding your situation. He is always so helpful and insightful.

I do think you have progessed in your thinking from when you first posted, you were very concerned about getting help because of your profession, to now considering, even wanting some form of inpatient setting.
If it is at all possible, financial, insurance, .... then IMO it would be the safest place for you to get help and get on the road to addiction remission.

Sometimes there comes a point where we analyze things to the point of being paralyzed and unable to decide anything.

I do hope you will read the links, the posts and feedback from others. I had also given you a link to the AA Big Book online, even if you are turned off by AA - it does have many helpful personal , detailed stories about what it was like and what it is like now for people who have been there - at the crossroads where you are right now, and how they got better. All you have to do is click the link and read. I wish you the very best and hope that you can find a solution that is best for you.

Take care, Carly
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Unread 01-20-2009, 10:32 PM   #9
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Hi Mrsr,

It has been a few days since we heard from you - hope all is well.
Even if this is not the right time for you - please feel free to post, vent, whatever - we are here if you need us : )
Take care , Carly
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Unread 01-21-2009, 11:17 PM   #10
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Feeling pretty badly. Wish you were here. I so appreciate the online support. Too introverted for AA. Still drinking, depressed and shaking. Part of why I haven't posted...I feel so ashamed and like a failure.
I am not ready to confront my marital issues, financial challenges, self-esteem, professional challenges...so feel like that would be what I am up against if I stopped-even with librium.
So want to die. But love my baby.
No worries my hubby is here and I have no plan to hurt myself. Just want the pain to end.
Sorry to let everyone down.
It would be great to hear from you guys.
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Unread 01-22-2009, 12:44 AM   #11
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Hi mrsr,
I know you feel empty inside, but please don't feel ashamed, because you are suffering from a very powerful disease. Many of us have felt the same way at one time or another! I'm sure you know that alcohol is a depressant, so for your own safety please consult a professional as to how you are feeling, really feeling! There are other medications out there than just Librium. If your honest with a doctor, I'm sure he/she can hook you up, but most of all you have to refrain from drinking! Yes, it is easier said than done, but you sound like you can't afford to stop trying! I always felt that acceptance was my key to liberation!
You come across to me as a fighter, and nobody would ever consider you a failure, as we are all in this battle together. Many of us fall, the trick is to reach-out and grab the hand that wants to help you get back up! I am so on your side mrsr, and remember.........Never lose Hope!!!!!.......We are there for you!!!!......Take Care & Stay Strong.......!
~Paulmaury~

Last edited by paulmaury; 01-22-2009 at 12:47 AM..
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Unread 01-22-2009, 01:07 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsr View Post
Feeling pretty badly. Wish you were here. I so appreciate the online support. Too introverted for AA. Still drinking, depressed and shaking.
well, it sounds like the seed has already been planted for a recovery which I'm sure was part of the process that everyone here dealt with....

I can assure you that sobriety and recovery is'nt half as tough as you think it's going to be,but you have to make the decision....

recovery is'nt for people who need it,it's for people who want it !
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Unread 01-22-2009, 01:43 AM   #13
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Hi Mrsr,

First off you are not a failure, you have not let anyone down, far from it. No one sits in judgement here, you know why? Because we have all been there or have had a loved one who has been there. Compassion reigns here. Sure, some are gonna be brutally honest and that is because they care - they want so much for you to make it , we all do !

You have come a long way from when you first started posting. You are talking with your counselor, your doctor - being honest, those are positive steps in the the right direction.
Most of us have been at that crossroad - I wanted to do it MY Way. My way landed me in a lot of trouble, but it also forced me to that point where I said OK I give UP - teach me how to live without a chemical, it was not nearly as hard as keeping up the life I had been living, I could not even look at myself in the mirror, hated my life etc...
Please continue to discuss and figure this out with your therapist, your doctor - it takes what it takes, just do not give up hope. IMO - once you tackle not drinking, the rest of the issues can be dealt with. It seems scary to think about not numbing your feelings but it is honestly not as bad as you may think it is. I would not be here typing this if life without alcohol/chemicals was unbearable. Believe me and others when we tell you this : ) it is worth it to keep trying !

Do not ever think you let anyone down, we are here for you. Take care and keep us posted - Carly
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Unread 01-23-2009, 02:26 AM   #14
mrsr
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Thank you all so much for your encouraging and compassionate and practical responses.
I feel a little more empowered. I went to a dinner this evening and had 2 glasses of wine (out of habit and because everyone else was having it) and was like, I wish that it was like it used to be, when I could just have a glass or two at dinner and it was enough...
trying to get my husband to take this really serious; part of me is like, well if he stops enabling me, I won't be able to get away with drinking. Oh well.
I did tell my sister and a close mutual friend who experimented with opiates and was able to quit. She works in the medical field so she was very understanding and says people come into her medical practice all the time suffering from all kinds of addiction and the staff is not judgmental.
So that is good.
I can't believe I am saying this, but--one day at a time.
I have to focus on surviving--working, taking care of my family and getting my life back.
It didn't get this bad overnight, so it is going to take sometime to heal and rebuild.
Very tired. Will post more tomorrow.
Thanks again
** Carly I will read those AA Big Book links, thanks for emphasizing that again!
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Unread 01-23-2009, 12:10 PM   #15
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mrsr, just by sharing in this forum you are that much closer to a life you never would have thought would be possible for you. I too have felt like you do, but since finding sobriety, I have never felt like that again.
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Unread 01-23-2009, 03:17 PM   #16
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Hi Mrsr - glad you checked in and good that you are talking with more people who you trust. I will be around tonight.

Hope you are having a good day.

HI Dave : Truer words were never spoken, hope all is going well with you : )

Take care all, C
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Unread 01-23-2009, 08:51 PM   #17
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Mrsr,

You are asking the right questions. You know what you must eventually do. Take that serious step towards treatment and recovery don't wait for your husband to come around.
Keep plugging away.
All the best
Jerry
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Unread 01-24-2009, 01:24 AM   #18
mrsr
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Thanks Carly, Jerry and Dave.

This forum has been invaluable to me. Sometimes I feel like I am stalling and making excuses to not stop drinking. Other times I feel like it's part of the process and that I need to keep pushing myself--just not overboard.

I want to rebuild my life. I feel like someone who has been incarcerated for years and then has to learn to live in society again. Culture shock!

I have decided that maybe instead of my current internal medicine doctor--who treats my husband, boss, colleagues and instead of the doctor my mom and I used to share (where my friend works) I might go to one of the specialists listed on this site when you enter your zip code.

I am trying to focus on all the pros of quitting- being healthy, being the best mother and wife that I can, saving sooo much money, losing weight by eliminating the empty calories that come from booze.

Still not there...but hopefully on my way.

Filled the Librium Rx today! Yayy! See my therapist Monday and will talk to him before I actually start to take it.

If any of you are still online, drop me a line please.
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Unread 01-24-2009, 05:13 PM   #19
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Hello Mrsr,

You sound in good spirits ! as Jerry says keep plugging away at this. Just do not give up!
Finding a doctor you are comfortable with is important, medical records pertaining to substance misuse, mental health are supposed to be handled with the utmost confidentiality. But I understand your concerns, you have to do what is best, leads you to a successful outcome.

Some people find making a list of the pros and cons of drinking, I think you will find the pros far outweigh the cons !

I hope you are having a good weekend, hang in there, take care, : ) C.
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Unread 01-25-2009, 11:29 PM   #20
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I feel proud that I took my first Librium. I am trying to keep thinking about all the positive things about not drinking instead of on the possible withdrawal symptoms.

I am afraid though of facing certain things sober- such as debt, insecurity, marital issues, work stress...those are my triggers.

Any thoughts.
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Unread 01-26-2009, 12:24 AM   #21
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I don't mean to make light of your fears of facing the triggers you listed. I was thinking of when I first was getting sober and I had no marriage any more, I wasn't employed, but I do remember having plenty of debt!

From reading your previous threads I gather you feel AA is not for you. I didn't feel it was for me either. But in AA I heard POSITIVE things about staying sober and I never felt alone when having to face the issues I had back then. I never have shied away from recommending AA. It works, it really does.

Good luck to you, Dave
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Unread 01-26-2009, 12:57 AM   #22
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Hi Mrsr,

If you start thinking about all those things at once you may be overwhelmed, maybe concentrate on getting through the physical part of in a safe and healthy way.

Ask your therapist for a list of support groups, or use the matching system provided here. Having someone who has been there is helpful, they will show you how they did it -example how to deal with the stresses in your life without drinking.
If you are still not ready for a support group then try to Read recovery literature, books, even some movies about recovery - 28 Days
( with Sandra Bulloch) has been running on cable , When a Man Loves a Woman ( Meg Ryan) , The story of Bill W. ( James Garner ) to name a few.
Keep moving forward towards your goal - even if it is baby steps- at least it is in the right direction! : )

Take care and hope all is well ! C.
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Unread 01-30-2009, 11:00 PM   #23
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Hi Mrsr,
It has been a few days- just checking in with you, hope all is well. Carly
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Unread 02-04-2009, 03:32 AM   #24
mrsr
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Thanks for checking in. I have been thinking about all of you but too ashamed to check in because I have failed miserably. I took librium Sun-Mon about a week ago but couldn't resist the urge Monday afternoon. I am seeing my therapist during lunch each week and I return to work and feel like it is evident that I have been crying.
Had huge fight with husband on super bowl evening b/c he never does anything for my bday, anniversary, mothers day, valentines day and I dont want diamonds just some sweet gesture- a home cooked meal, dinner out, a card and I get nothing but for his bday, superbowl and fathers day I go all out and give him parties, gifts etc. It's not tit for tat but the fact hat he cant even remember my birthday or anniversary really hurts. I said he was a mamma's boy and he retaliated by calling me a whore, because I was unfaithful twice when we dated (in part because I got drunk and lost all inhibitions-- not an excuse just reality) but since then I have been totally loyal and faithful and I still hate myself for making those two mistakes.
Also, I just got a promotion and while I feel blessed I have so much anxiety about meeting new expectations while dealing with motherhood, marriage and finances (as I am primary earner in our family).
Afraid that I will lose all I have -- child, husband, family, friends, job, money.
Have no social life at all.
I feel like if something could give I'd have a better chance of stopping.
I even thought of trying AA, but I live in a small city and could not bear encountering anyone I know.
So...I am a mess...in a lot of emotional pain and very disappointed in myself that I have not made progress in overcoming this.
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Unread 02-04-2009, 11:43 AM   #25
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mrsr,

Let me assure you you don't have to be ashamed to check in with us here.
Folks here understand how difficult and painful it is to make life changes needed to stop drinking. We are here to support you, not judge you. I am glad to hear you are in therapy, I hope it is helping. Sounds as though you have a factors working against you, and little support from your husband. Does your therapist offer advice about dealing with your husband?
I assume you are not drinking? Correct?
If so that is good. But it is still painful. Do you feel isolated, it sounds like it. Find a way to work in meetings. I realize your concern but is it so bad to happen to run into someone you know?
You forget people are at meetings for the same reasons as you. You may make a new sober friend. I cannot stress the value in AA meetings. So please reconsider, and find a way to fit meetings into your recovery routine.

Jerry
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Unread 02-04-2009, 02:34 PM   #26
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Hi mrsr,

dave53190 here. It appears as though you are going through a lot. I wish you the very best.

It sounds as though you want things to change in your life and that your drinking/using, and guilt from the past are making things difficult for you. I hear that you are afraid that you may see someone you know in an AA meeting. I felt like that once too.

If you are an alcoholic you WILL lose those things you listed that are important to you. In fact, you will also lose those things you don't even know are important to you. You WILL NOT lose these things if you are an alcoholic and thoroughly follow the path that others have layed before you by members of Alcoholics Anonymous.

So how do you find out if you are an alcoholic? Meetings of AA would be my suggestion. But you seem to feel uneasy about that right now, so I recommend that you read at least the first three chapters of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous". Maybe read some of the personal stories in the back of the book. There is a pamphlet entitled, "Is AA For Me?", read that. Maybe you'll decide to read the first 164 pages of the book mentioned above. You don't need to go to an AA meeting to get this book. It can be found at most book stores and libraries. The pamphlet can be mailed to you by requesting it from an AA office that you should be able to find in the phone book.

You and your counselor may be able to decide if you are an alcoholic. I am all for outside help. Please continue to also use this forum to help you find solutions to your problems. There are a lot of people here that really care about you. Cheers!
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Unread 02-04-2009, 06:41 PM   #27
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Hi mrsr,

I am glad to know you are ok, to echo everyone else, we care about you and understand your struggle. I think the argument with your husband is understandable, you are in a fight for your life- it really sounds like he needs to step up to the plate and support you.

I know what living in a small town is like, but I assure you, the people that are serious about getting better do not care who you are i. e. job title, etc... You can't get in trouble for attending an AA or any other support meeting. If you want - go to an open meeting, say you are attending it for a Psychology class you are taking online, until you feel more comfortable.

I feel for you - I really do, it sounds like you are juggling an awful lot, though it is good that you are seeing your therapist regularly. Sometimes, it takes what it takes, just do not give up : ) Okay ?

Congratulations on your job promotion ! Take care, Carly
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Unread 02-04-2009, 07:55 PM   #28
mrsr
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Thanks for your responses. That's a good suggestion about saying I am there for a psychology class- would AA allow that?
To answer your question I am still drinking like a fish. Even while sleep I am dreaming about hiding bottles from friends, family, coworkers or having dreams about being in diff cities I've lived in and rushing around town to find the closest package store before it closes.
I dont think my husband knows how to support me. I dont think he even can admit that its a problem.
Wait a lot of distractions right now. I will post later. Hate my life. Sad.
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Unread 02-04-2009, 08:07 PM   #29
dave53190
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Hey mrsr,

I hated my life once also. I am sorry you are sad. I wish I had the magic pill to offer you or the right words that would make everything alright, but I don't.

In AA you can say what you want, or not say a word. It's up to you. There are no rules at all in AA. (Some closed meetings do ask that only those with a desire to not drink share).

Please, like Carly said, "just do not give up!"
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Unread 02-04-2009, 09:02 PM   #30
CarlyO
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Hi mrsr,
Dave answered your question- Thanks Dave!
I can give you an example, I live in a college town and lots of students come into the open meetings.
There are different types of meetings, if you get a schedule, it will say, Open, Closed, womens , Speaker .. you do not have speak, ever at a meeting.

I guess to explain AA as I know it- you do not have to go in there, tell your life story, and have it all figured out, you just have to want to stop, that is it. I hope that helps.

Dave how are you doing? Thanks for being here : )

Well, I hope everyone is staying warm, it is Freezing out !! Take care - Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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