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Unread 03-29-2008, 01:03 AM   #1
laurahols
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Default need advice on my brother

My brother has been an alcoholic ever since I can remember. He is now 45.He is a criminal record a mile long stemming from his alcoholism.I am just so distraught how he has torn my family apart. My brother, grandpa, mom, and dad. We are not the family we once were.Today is my birthday and I guess I am really feeling it. Last night my brother got drunk and eluded the police and is basically in hiding. He does not have a license. He has not had one for years and they will not give him one until he quites drinking. He has been married three times and divorced all three times. He gets violent and is very hateful. I did talk to him today and all I have to say is he is so full of hate. He talks of getting revenge at people and blames everyone else for his problems. I got the news of him stalking on of his ex wifes last night into this morning. To top it off it is my birthday today. He has definitely ruined my day. How do I get pass the guilt and shame. We have all turned our back on him. This is not me at all and it is killing me.He is so hateful to me yet as a sister I feel so much loyalty. I am married and have two kids and I realize this is not good for my family. Please help me I really need a friend. My husband is an only child and does not understand how i feel.
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Unread 03-29-2008, 04:29 PM   #2
Nancy Leigh
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Oh Laura, I know just how you feel. My brother has been an alcoholic for the last 25 years. He's now 50, & just keeps getting worse. We have tried everything to get him help, but as I'm sure you know, unless they are willing, it's almost impossible. Before our parents passed away, he put them through hell, & now he's doing it to me. My husband is also an only child, and doesn't understand the close bond I have with my brother. I love him so much & would do anything for him. I know how heart breaking it is to watch someone you care so much about destroy themselves. I'm so sorry about your ruined birthday. My brother showed up at mine looking & smelling like he had been living under a bridge somewhere. This was back in January. It was so embarrassing. He has a nice apartment, but it looks like a pig pen, & he doesn't care about his personal grooming either. He binge drinks & will not leave his apartment for days, nor answer his phone. I'm always going over to see if he's still alive. I'm so afraid that one of these days I will find him dead from alcohol poisoning. Luckily, as a result of a DWI years ago, he doe not drink & drive. My brother gets very hateful and angry too, & my parents & I have not turned our backs on him. We have tried everything to help him, but he refuses to get any treatment we suggest. He yells & screams at the walls...it used to be our Dad that he blamed for all his problems, now it's me. He imagines that he's arguing with me...as he's yelling & cursing at the walls! It's so sad, as I've only tried to help him. I reached a point where I couldn't deal with it & began seeing a phychologist. She told me to remember three things, "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, & you can't cure it." Please know that I understand what you're going through, & hopefully we can get through this together. Keep in touch....Nancy
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Unread 03-29-2008, 08:17 PM   #3
laurahols
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Nancy,

You do not know how i needed to hear your response.I have always been told he has not quit because he has not hit his bottom. I called his cell yesterday to check on him. My parents feel that we all enable him and excuse him and thats why he continues this path of destruction. My head says that may be true but my heart says I cannot imagine something happening to him and having to live with that the rest of my life. He really scared me yesterday talking on the phone. He said things I never thought he would say. I could tell he had been drinking and it seemed he was borderline suicidal. I don't know if that is normal or not when they hit bottom? It literally breaks my heart.He talked about his life as it had just passed by him. His voice was weak and not as obnoxious as usual. I am scared for him and I do not know what or if I can help him.The ramblings he was doing made me think that he had some sort of mental breakdown. He was very cold,distant, and hateful. He claimed his 21 year old son was not his.? He looks just like him.I love my brother with all my heart and it is breaking my heart to see what little bit is there of him disappear before my eyes. I am afraid he will never come back to us.I did not sleep much last night for worrying where he was and if he had money and was okay.
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Unread 03-30-2008, 03:56 AM   #4
Nancy Leigh
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Laura, the psychologist told me that I was an enabler too. She's right, but I could never forgive myself if something happened to my brother & I had not done everything I could to help him. There are times when I feel so guilty for not being able to "fix" his problems. As women, we are so used to making everything OK for everyone, it's hard to accept that this is a problem we just can't fix. Our brothers have to want a better life, & as hard as it is for us to accept, it's the only way they will change. As much as we want to, we just can't do it for them. Gosh, I don't know if your brother has reached bottom or not, but I can understand why you're so worried about him, with him sounding the way you described. Often when mine is rambling on & saying crazy stuff, he won't even remember & deny that he ever said it! Oh, how I know that cold distant attitude you described. I haven't heard from my brother in twelve days & I'm worried sick. We usually talk at least twice a day or more. If I don't hear from him, I go into panic mode, thinking, what trouble has he gotten into now. We went on vacation for 13 days, he and I, & a friend of ours, actually she's like a daughter to me & my husband. He doesn't like to travel much, plus didn't want to miss March Madness..the basketball playoffs!?! Anyway, we had a great time, my brother didn't drink at all. He called me after we returned home & that was it. I've called, left messages, he won't pick up. He's about 40 minutes away...I drove over to check on him. Started to ring the door bell, but stopped when I heard him ranting & raving, which told me he was drunk. He was babbling on about how he hated his sister. There's no reasoning with him when he's in that state, so I just left. It made me sick..but at least he was still alive. It's so hard, but I stopped calling him. He still hasn't called me....tomorrow I'll probably go back to check on him. My husband thinks it's nuts...but I can't help it. Like you, I'm not sleeping much either. Nancy
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Unread 03-30-2008, 02:56 PM   #5
halfpint
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Hi Ladies,
My name is Laurie, I go by halfpint here. I'm sitting here reading your posts and
my heart goes out to both of you. If you look at my first two posts you will see
my situation (OLD HAT and HE'S OUT)!! I started posting in February look them up.
I will look for your response, it helps to talk and learn for each other.
Prayers,
Halfpint
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Unread 03-31-2008, 02:15 PM   #6
dephill
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Hi all -
I'm sitting here bawling after reading your posts. I feel the same way. I love my mom so much and she said such hateful things to me when we last saw each other about how I look, I can't even look myself in the mirror anymore. I feel like an orphan and than I've lost my mom. She's clearly chosen alcohol over her granddaughter and me. I don't know why I feel so empty - but I feel like an enabler because if I call her, she's all nicey nice until she drinks. I have a history of choosing people who use me because they know I nurture them and try to help. I don't know how to get out of this viscous cycle. I can't stop loving this person, even though what she puts me through is terrible. And I have a facial disease that I haven't even had the chance to tell her about yet, that makes my face twitch and droop. So her comments on me looking horrible cut me to the core. I know it was alcohol talking. But it's still hurtful.

It's hard to read everyone's posts; but at least we are not alone. Please know you are not alone in this. I, too, have a lovely family I have to protect. they are mine, too and deserve to not be around and see this kind of behavior.

Take care,

Deanne
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Unread 04-01-2008, 02:27 AM   #7
xam
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Same boat here - literally living in fear with an Alcoholic sister.
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Unread 04-01-2008, 04:13 AM   #8
halfpint
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Hi,
Just responding to your posts! It's clearly obvious that living with alcoholics
is a nightmare. If I'm not mistaken none of us are married to an alcoholic, am I right?
Not that having family members that are alcoholics is any less painful, because it is not. It's just that I'm sitting here and thinking Thank God I didn't choose an
alcoholic. By the same token I'm 44 never married or had children, because of the
fear of the alcohol gene being passed on to my own offspring! Really sad, this
disease effects us in way we never truly understand. One thing I do know it that
fear will paralyze you. When I had to make the decision to have my brother and
sister move out of my mothers home so I could care for her and my older brother
it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. It was also the best one I
could have made.

After years of existing not living in fear, guilt and shame I realized waiting
for them to "hit bottom" was killing me. Headaches, not sleeping, constant
fear of the late night phone call, doorbell, police, 911 calls! What a nightmare my whole life was passing by! When I stopped playing martyr, and distanced
myself emotionally from them, it got easier! Everyday I still say to myself, let
them go, give them to God, I find I spend less time obsessing about them. While 2
of my sibling are now sober, the youngest is still out there and there is nothing
I can do about it. But I'm at peace with it now, it's taken a long time to
be able to say that. I've really been trying lately to find out about ME! When
you live with this disease for so long you lose yourself! If you have not tried
Alanon GO! It really does help you to see the whole distorted picture of our
reality in a new light!! XAM keep posting, it help!!
Prayers,
Halfpint


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Unread 04-02-2008, 11:30 AM   #9
kmocnik
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Hi there. In reading your posts I thought that I would share. My sister is an alcoholic who is going back to jail for 5 DUI. She has had two husbands that have committed suicide and this last guy she is with she says is abusive. She has been in trouble so much and calls the family and says all sorts of nasty things and threatens her life. This is so hard but I have to turn my back to her. I still communicate with her but I let her know that I am not going to spend another day feeling sorry for her choices. I am thankful to be living because I have heart problem so when I see her abusing herself and we all feel bad it does not sit well with me. She wanted to come stay with me a couple of weeks ago until her sentencing but I said no. I have two small children of my own and an alcoholic spouse. My father has also been to jail for drinking. It is so hard but somewhere inside we have to try to let go. It is so hard and I am doing the best I can. My heart goes out to you all. Please continue to post. God Bless
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Unread 04-03-2008, 04:36 AM   #10
Nancy Leigh
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Hi Everyone....thanks so much for sharing all your personal stories & experiences. Little did I know that so many others are also dealing with family members who are alcoholics. Reading what the rest of you have and/or are going through is just mind blowing. Laurie (Halfpint), you're a pillar of strength & I hope your family realizes how lucky they are to have you! I went back & read all your posts. My heart goes out to your young neice, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can to shield her from her father. Deanne, it must be so hard to listen to your mom saying hateful things to you...I sure know what that's like. It's amazing, isn't it...how we still continue to love them in spite of it all. My brother has said some of the meanest, most hateful things to me & then it continues to play in my head. It's hard to let it go, even if we know it's just the alcohol talking. Someone asked how many of us had spouses that were alcoholics. I'm thankful that mine rarely drinks, & if he does, it's maybe one glass of wine and that's it. Kmocnik, I don't blame you at all for not letting your sister come & stay, especially with 2 small kids & then your spouse..you don't need two people drinking in front of your kids, that's for sure. I have a friend who is an alcoholic, & I finally reached a point where listening to her constant drama was no longer my problem. She would call at 4 in the morning & not even remember it! Hugs to you all, Nancy
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