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Unread 02-01-2009, 01:52 PM   #1
gottabebetter
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Default Where do I even begin?

Hi everyone. I'm new here. This is long, and may be too much information but I'm pretty disgusted with myself and I hope that by telling you all, maybe I'll shame myself into some new behavior. I'm sorry this is so long and I hope you bear with me because I just realized that I can't do this alone.

I woke up this morning, as I wake up every weekend, trying to remember what stupid thing I did last night. I had driven to a bar to meet friends and I remember realizing (thankfully) that I needed to go home, so I called another friend and asked her to come get me. While I was waiting, I knew I shouldn't drink anymore so I started to walk home. Alone. Not terrible but certainly not the safest thing to do.

Last Sunday, I talked to a friend I was out with Saturday night and thanked her for getting me home. She replied that she didn't get me home - we were at a bar and she turned around and I was gone. All I remember is waking up in my bed at 2am. Thankfully fully clothed and alone.

The week before, I saw a friend of mine on Tuesday...he said "I carry you home Saturday night and I don't even get a thank you". I didn't even remember him being out with us that night.

I thought I had hit bottom in the summer when I woke in the morning and couldn't find my purse. I walked to the bar I had been at to see if I left it there. On my way there I found the contents of my purse scattered along the street, and my purse laying in the grass about two blocks away. No memory of what happened. Its pretty shameful walking the length of two blocks picking your belongings off the street as you go.

Not so long ago, I was the sensible one. The one who made sure all the silly drunk friends got home okay. The one who would take away car keys and take away drinks because someone had had too much. Now I'm one of the silly drunk friends who needs to have their keys and their drink taken away.

A little longer ago, I would never dream of drinking if I had to drive somewhere. I would never dream of driving if I had a drink. Now, I will go places I know I can walk home because I know I will get drunk. I will invite people I don't particularly like because I know they will drive. I will turn down invitations to places I have to drive to and are too far away to walk home. I will stay home because I know I can drink and not have to drive anywhere or have to walk home.

Three weeks ago, I woke Sunday morning and went down to my car. It wasn't there. I had a vague recollection of getting in my car the night before and realizing there was no way I should be driving anywhere. I have no idea how I got home, and had to retrace my steps back to the three places I had been to find my car. I found it a couple of miles away on a side street. I guess I must have walked home.

I keep telling myself its okay, because I only do this at weekends. I only have one or two glasses of wine a night during the week. I'm not addicted. I'm just out having fun. Then I think back. I went through a fifth of gin in one weekend at home. And I went out drinking both nights. I went through four bottles of wine last weekend. And I went out drinking Saturday night. I went through three bottles of wine during the week last week. And the week before. And then I realized the last time I went one day without a drink at all was May 2008.

I started to think about why I drink. I drink because I'm bored. I drink because my friends do. I drink because I'm not happy with my life. I drink because I'm accountable to no-one. I drink because I can.

I'm not accountable to anyone for anything in my life. I have no-one to whom I need to answer. I have a boyfriend I never spend weekends with so he has no idea about my "other life". I have many different friends so no single one of them sees all of these things that I do. I say in conversation that I only drink on weekends. Truth is, I only drink in public on the weekends so everyone thinks I don't drink through the week.

Everyone thinks I am a normal social drinker because I am doing a stellar job of making people believe that. Everyone thinks I am happy, because I am doing a stellar job of making people believe that. I'm incredibly good at hiding things from others. Truth is I am far from happy and I am far from a normal, social drinker.

I don't know how I got here and I don't know how to get back. I just don't know where to start. I don't know how to fix my life because I don't know when or how it broke.

I can't tell my friends because they all think I'm so strong and together. That I can get through anything. That my life is perfect. I don't want my friends to think I'm weak and not in control. I was raised to not be weak and not ask for help. I will help others all day long but not myself. I am finally realizing that I need help, and anonymously, on the internet, is about the closest I will ever get to asking for it.
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Unread 02-01-2009, 09:36 PM   #2
CarlyO
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Default Welcome gottobetbetter

Hi and welcome to the forum,

What you are describing - sound like black outs - I am guessing you know this, also your drinking has progressed to the point that you are putting yourself in very dangerous situations. It must take a lot of energy and time to put up the facade that everything is ok to friends. Believe me , I remember that life and it is not a fun or healthy way to live.

But- you recognize that this is not normal, how do you fix it you ask? I would suggest starting with a counselor, get help as soon as possible. I will post some information for you to start with. I hope you will be back back, please read the other posts and the info on the site, I hope you will give it a try.

Take care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 02-01-2009, 09:49 PM   #3
CASEY
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Hi gottabebetter,
Welcome to this site. You say you are not accountable to anyone, how about yourself? You say you don't have a problem, yet you lost your purse, don't remember how you got home and could not remember where you left your car. I really don't want to sound harsh, that is not why I wrote that above, it is to tell you to take a glance at what you wrote again and realize you do have a problem.
Everyone on this site know's what you are going through , all in different situation's. Some have a problem or a loved one does!
Please again , Do Not think I am judging you, I am not - that is what is great about this site, we don't know each other, but alot of us can relate to it in one way or another.
This is a great place to come even if you just want to VENT, I hope you come back.
I wish you luck, and hope to hear from you again. Did something happen last year in May?? Sometime's something bad or from our past can haunt us. Have you thought of seeing someone, who you can tell everything too??
Take Care,
Casey
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Unread 02-01-2009, 09:56 PM   #4
CarlyO
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Hi Gottabebetter -

Here are some links to get you started, we are hear to answer questions - like Casey says - even if you need to vent - hope all is going well, Hang in there ! Carly


Treatment locator : Physicians, counselors and treatment facilities..

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/local/

Below is a list of the various support groups that are available and how to find one near you. There is now much more than traditional AA, there are many types of support groups out there.

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/resour...port-links.cfm

Link to medication assisted treatment options... this can be an invaluable tool to help with cravings.

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/treatm...-treatment.cfm

Information for your family/friends ....
Education for your family/loved ones can be vital to their understanding of what you are facing and trying to accomplish.
Below is the link to the information and other resources on the site that may help them.

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friends-family/

For even more information and resources click on any of the links on the right hand side or at the top of the page.
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 02-01-2009, 10:32 PM   #5
dave53190
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gottabebetter,

I am so impressed that you would vent your concerns re: your drinking. I am impressed because; #1 - you sound young, and #2 - most people are never able to recognize and admit behavior that disgusts them. They continue to find new bottoms as they ride the down elevator called alcoholism.

Nobody can say if you are or soon may be an alcoholic. That is something that only you can decide. If you decide you want to quit drinking but find that you can't, may I recommend Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is why I am able to have concern for you as a human being. Your well being is important to me. There was a time in my life when I could've cared less.

If AA scares you or you don't think its for you, at least take advantage of the links that Carly has offered to you. I have been in this forum long enough to know that she, and others, honestly care about you and your condition. Take really good care of yourself, you are worth it!
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Unread 02-02-2009, 05:23 PM   #6
rmontoya
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Hey Gottabebetter--

You described what I was doing i.e.-not accountable to anyone and just plain manipulating the game so that no one would find out about your problem. Planning the times to get loaded. But it seems that you do want some help otherwise you
would have never found this site. I learned about this site on the car radio and decided to give it a shot. so far I am very well pleased with the replies i have received. good luck

rm
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