help

[we8sushi]

Just that. I know the whole program yet I feel like killing myself today. I can't take this illness anymore.

[CarlyO]

Paul what is going on ? If you are drinking right this second put the alcohol down.

DO you have anyone to call? Call them . Call an ambulance if you need to, suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. DO NOT GIVE UP. Please POST BACK NOW !!

[CarlyO]

Paul I understand you are frustrated - it is a PIA to KNOW what to do - to know the answers but not be able to apply them, and still crave the alcohol. Have you tried any of the medications Vivitrol or Campral? Some people have had success with them, JaneDoe has a year now !
Do not give up hope, believe that we believe you can do this, until you are back on the beam or whatever support helps you.

I am worried, please let us know you are ok. Please post something, Carly

[CarlyO]

Hi Paul, I hope and pray you are ok, I have provided a number for you call. Do you think you are dealing with unresolved grief issues? I know you mentioned you attend AA, but what about one to one counseling or other support?

None of this is easy, you said it yourself in a great post to another member here, that we can't do this alone, we need each other, help is out there , ask for it OK ? There is no shame in slipping, the only true shame , imo - is NOT geting back up and trying . Don't give up.
Please post to let us know you are allright. Carly

http://suicidehotlines.com/newjersey.html

[paulmaury]

Paul,
Relapse is part of the process, we all relapse at one time or another! The trick is to pick yourself back up and regain strength for the next round......you know you can do it, because I can hear the determination in your posts! Others need to be inspired by your courage to carry on the fight, so please don't scare us by hurting yourself. If you are passed-out that is OK, but please answer Carly when you can! I'm sure she is not going to rest until she knows your alright, none of us will. I pray that your just disappointed with yourself during a slip, and you will post as soon as you feel better, because your not ........ALONE in this at all! Ask your Higher-Power for the strength to rise above the stink'n-think'n. Keep The Faith.......&.......Never give up!
~Paulmaury~

[we8sushi]

Originally Posted by paulmaury

Paul,
Relapse is part of the process, we all relapse at one time or another! The trick is to pick yourself back up and regain strength for the next round......you know you can do it, because I can hear the determination in your posts! Others need to be inspired by your courage to carry on the fight, so please don't scare us by hurting yourself. If you are passed-out that is OK, but please answer Carly when you can! I'm sure she is not going to rest until she knows your alright, none of us will. I pray that your just disappointed with yourself during a slip, and you will post as soon as you feel better, because your not ........ALONE in this at all! Ask your Higher-Power for the strength to rise above the stink'n-think'n. Keep The Faith.......&.......Never give up!
~Paulmaury~

imol

[jeff80233]

Paul,

I KNOW your frustration. I've been trying to get my arms around my alcohol addiction for 9 years. I couldn't hold a job, lost my $500,000 house to foreclosure in 2002, my wife left me, she came back and I still continue to binge, as recently as stopping on 1/8/09. I sobered up called my sponsor, went to an AA meeting this morning and talked to other alcoholics about my relapse. IMO - You need to call someone (if you already haven't) As Paulmaury said "your not alone in this" (there are over 5,000 posts on this site)

Jeff

[we8sushi]

Originally Posted by paulmaury

Paul,
Relapse is part of the process, we all relapse at one time or another! The trick is to pick yourself back up and regain strength for the next round......you know you can do it, because I can hear the determination in your posts! Others need to be inspired by your courage to carry on the fight, so please don't scare us by hurting yourself. If you are passed-out that is OK, but please answer Carly when you can! I'm sure she is not going to rest until she knows your alright, none of us will. I pray that your just disappointed with yourself during a slip, and you will post as soon as you feel better, because your not ........ALONE in this at all! Ask your Higher-Power for the strength to rise above the stink'n-think'n. Keep The Faith.......&.......Never give up!
~Paulmaury~

thanks

[CarlyO]

Paul, I am glad and relieved to know you are ok. Have you talked to someone ?

You have got a lot of feedback from people who know your struggle,myself included. You said once that those months you had were the best and it takes more work to drink than not to. Even if you have to plant yourself in a meeting or counseling, do it, read Janedoe'e experinece with vivitrol, maybe it would help with the cravings? just do not give up.
Thank you for letting us know you are still with us. Carly

[we8sushi]

Thanks for taking the time. This web site is a gift. I know all the right things to do but I feel I need someone to handcuff me until all the poison has left my body so I can regain control of my brain.The frontal lobe of your brain is where all the rational thinking takes place.I was once told in treatment that drugs and alcohol prevent the brains signals from reaching that part of the brain. That is why very irrational things are done. I'm at my bottom as far as drinking goes. I don't feel good from it. I need it so I wont feel sick. How ironic. I get sick all day and have isolated myself. I find myself lying to everone about everything. I can't keep track of te things I say to people. Those people being the ones most important to me in my life. Alcohol is a depressant and boy am I depressed. I wish someone would catch on and intervine. I'm tierd. P.s. I stink at the computer and can never figure out how to get back to these threads.

[CarlyO]

Paul can you ask for help? What if you have become so successful at hiding it, no one knows to intervene?
It sounds like you are ready to work on this so.... What is preventing you from asking for help ? If it is remorse or pride - it is not worth it to continue drinking, you know people slip, it happens. I pray that you have the will to get back up and FIGHT! ask for help.
Please consider it. We are here for you. Take care, Carly

[plshelpme]

Hi Paul - I just did my first posting, fighting this for a while. NOTHING is worth your life. I have the same issues too!!! I'm so afraid of someone "finding out"!!!! It's not a whatever ------- my Dad was an alcoholic too!!!!! It's NOT your fault!!!!!

[jeff80233]

When I was in an AA meeting on Sunday, one of my fellow alcoholics shared that our self worth/self esteem is so badly beaten down by our addiction/relapses it seems like there is no way out. By doing the step work and putting as much effort or more into our program of recovery as we did in our drinking, he wasn't sure when it happened, but his self worth began increasing every day he stayed sober.

For me - a light bulb popped on and I had an "Ah-Ha" moment.

Just wanted to share this in hopes that maybe someone else can have the same "Ah-Ha" moment.

Prayers to all.

Jeff

[CarlyO]

Hi Paul,

How is it going ? Better, I hope, let us know when you have time. Take care, Carly

[we8sushi]

Thanks Carlyo. I went to my first aa meeting tonight in a very long time. I feel a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I met some local people that heard me share and they are taking me tomorrow night to a nearby meeting to what they tell me many people in my town make this one there home group. I'll keep you posted. I'll see how I feel in a day or two and if need be, I will go to detox. There is no need to live like this any more when I don't have to. I trully have hit my bottom and don't want to see a worse bottom. Just have to get this poison out of my body first. Anyone out ther that reads this I will let you know my progress both good or bad. Prey for me please.

[CarlyO]

Hi Paul,
Thanks for posting and glad to hear you felt better after the meeting. I always find it amazing, no matter how long or for what reasons we may stay away - the people there are always just Happy we made it back !
Sounds like you have a good group and glad you are thinking of doing this safely. Try the locator I posted if you need to find a doctor or a place in your area.

Good luck and sending thoughts and prayers your way! Take care and hang in there ! Carly

[CASEY]

Hi Paul,
welcome to the site. The fact that you are feeling like killing yourself, have you ever thouht of see someone. I take those word's very serious, and I said the same word's for different reason's.
Have you looked into that you may suffer from Depresion, which will make you want to drink more, because if that is the case , drinking we think help's it go away.
When in reality if just make's it worse.
You are taking some step's and that is great! Remember I have written so many time's , that you need to take it day by day, hour by hour and sometime's minute by
minute.
But believe Depression can be a huge problem, and if you do happen to have it, you may find w/something from a Dr., will help you feel better!
One thing you have to be is extremly selfish, like you did when you were drinking.
Think about how much time and energy you put into drinking and do the same for
alcohol. Remember when all you thought about was where you were going to get it on any certain day, it take's control of your whole life
I find Alcohol is the toughest disease, their are Liquor store's everywhere, and it canot help that they are now open on Sunday's!

Take Care,
And please let us know how you are doing!
Casey
P.S. Please be careful if you are feeling so bad talk to someone, it is not weakness, it is STRENGH!! People alway's confuse that, it is so much braver to go at it head on.

[we8sushi]

Thank you for those sincere words of you experience. Yes, definantly depression is part of my disease. While meds work for some people, my personal experience with anti depressants which I have been on many, didn't work for me. The magic that worked for me better then any med was good health. When I go to the gym regularly, eat right and stay away from the poison I feel great. Add to that, sessions with a councler or meetings, or a rap group of some sorte and I feel really good. I'm about to go to my second meeting, thanks and take care.

[CASEY]

Paul,

There are so many different thing's out there that can help you. For me with Family history of Depression, it took I would say about 5-med's before I found one that really worked for me. When it does not work and you have side-effect's report them to your Dr. right away. They really do want to get you the best medication. Please Don't Give up on them, I know so many people who need them like me who suffer from Panic Attack's another thing inherited by my family.
I find working out help's me alot, get's rid of stress, and it is my alone time!
Take Care! And Good Luck!! Good Luck at your next meeting!!
Casey