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Unread 01-03-2011, 01:27 PM   #1
amf2011
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Default I'm losing my boyfriend to cocaine

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I love him very much. Within the last year I have discovered that he has a cocaine addiction. I don't know how long he has been using or how frequently. Whenever I have approached the topic with him or flat out asked if he is using I am greeted with extreme hostility and denial. He tells me I am paranoid and that I need to relax. The biggest change I've noticed is his personality. He is so angry all the time and negative about everything. Sometimes I see the the man I met 7 years ago and fell in love with, but those sights are becoming rare. In July of 2010 I found cocaine paraphernalia,I confronted my boyfriend, who swore to me it was his friends. I just now found more cocaine stuff in our bathroom. I wonder which friend's it will be this time. My boyfriend also has 2 sons, 15 & 12, that live with us. They are unaware of their father's addiction. However, my boyfriend has become noticeably erratic. His children, his mother, and his friends have all asked me what is going on. I have lied to all the people asking and I have let my boyfriend lie to me over and over again. I don't know how to handle this. This is my first time on a forum and I tried it because I need help, please. -amf
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Unread 01-04-2011, 12:02 AM   #2
amf2011
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Seriously everything I do seems to make it worse. When I first suspected him of using I confronted him about it, and he denied it, swore he wouldn't because of his kids. But his abnormal behavior has only gotten worse, so I keep trying to ask him in different ways, which of course has only succeeded in making mad. Now it's to the point that if I try to bring up anything he picks a fight with me and disappears, sometimes for hours sometimes for days. I really love him... but I know longer feel safe here. Somebody please talk to me. -amf
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Unread 01-04-2011, 12:02 PM   #3
NancyB
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Hi amf2011, welcome. I'm sorry to hear of what's going on with your boyfriend.

A couple of things you might want to think about doing. Stop covering for him with his family. There is strength in numbers and you don't have to do this alone.

Get a drug test from Walmart or a pharmacy and ask him to take it. If he refuses to take it and throws blame on you, there's your answer. If he has nothing to hide, then he should be more than happy to take the test.

If you don't feel safe where you are, please find somewhere to stay! You don't need to be living in fear in your own home. Can his children stay with family members since he leaves for hours/days on end?

The important thing to remember is that HE is the one who needs to want to first admit there's a problem and HE must seek out help.

Have you thought about going to counseling or Alanon?

Did you get a chance to read sleepless's thread?
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=24749

She went through a lot with her now ex.

I hope this is helpful. I'm sorry you had to wait for a response. I will check here more often.

Nancy
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Unread 01-05-2011, 07:59 AM   #4
amf2011
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Thank you for your response Nancy. I read Sleepless' thread and it was very helpful. A lot of what she went through has been happening with my boyfriend. He gets so mad sometimes and I never know when it's coming. He has never hit me or anything, nor do I think he will, but he breaks stuff in our house, punches holes in the walls, and he likes to be incredibly reckless when he his high. I have heard him snorting in the bathroom more and more lately. The other night we were having a discussion about a mutual friend who is using meth. My boyfriend completely sat there and rationalized our friends using. His stance is that some people are functioning addicts and what's wrong with that if they can control it. I am so uneducated when it comes to addiction and drugs that I have no idea how far gone he is. Now that I have found out, I can't help but wonder if he has been doing drugs the entire past 7 years or longer. My biggest worries are that either he is going to go to jail, get hurt while doing dangerous activity high, or die. His 2 sons have already lost their mother to meth, how will they cope with losing their dad too? Danny is/was one of the greatest men I had ever met. He loved his sons, worked hard, and cared about other people. The man I live with now is mean, bitter, and always unsatisfied. Whenever I try to talk to him about things he always manages to flip the argument on me, and somehow in the end I'm always the one apologizing. I want to involve his family, but without actual proof I don't think she will believe me. Danny's mother has always had a blind eye where he is concerned. The drug test is a good idea, but I know he would never take one, is there a way I could give him one without him knowing. I know Sleepless used hair samples, but I don't have any access to a lab, are there labs open to the public? I know he is snorting drugs, but I am not actually certain whether it is coke, meth, pills, or heroin. I didn't realize how many drugs could be snorted until I started looking into it. I get complete denial and anger whenever I try to discuss anything important with him. I am 28 and I have been with Danny and his sons since I was 21, I love them, they are my family. I am so sad.
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Unread 01-05-2011, 02:55 PM   #5
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Hi amf2011, something is definitely causing his irrational behavior and anger. Really does remind me of what sleepless went through. You said: "My biggest worries are that either he is going to go to jail, get hurt while doing dangerous activity high, or die." One more that should be added is that he could hurt or kill someone else.

I found these tests on the CVS site:

http://www.cvs.com/CVSApp/search/sea...hHome&x=21&y=5

You send them the hair samples, they do the test in the lab and get you the results. They go back 90 days with those ones. They're a little pricey, but it would probably be well worth it to know what is going on. Do you think that test results would help his family to understand the severity of what is going on and maybe have a group intervention type thing?

You might think about educating yourself on addiction so that you can then teach his family that it is a medical condition that needs treatment.
Here are some good places to start:

NIDA "The Science of Addiction"
Released February 13, 2007, this NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) 30-page full-color booklet explains in layman's terms how science has revolutionized the understanding of drug addiction as a brain disease that affects behavior. NIDA hopes this new publication will help reduce stigma against addictive disorders.

http://www.naabt.org/documents/NIDA_..._addiction.pdf

These next links are from the HBO Addiction Series and are really helpful:

What Is Addiction?
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/underst...addiction.html

Addiction and the Brain's Pleasure Pathway: Beyond Willpower
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/underst...e_pathway.html


Brain Imaging
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/thefilm...segment_5.html

Treating Stimulant Addiction: The CBT Approach
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/thefilm...addiction.html

Arm yourself with all the knowledge you can. Knowledge is power.

I hope this is helpful. Please let me know how you're doing.

Nancy
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Unread 01-05-2011, 09:00 PM   #6
sleepless
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Man does this sound familiar. The more and more stories I've read there are a number of common threads. The first is they always blame it on a friend, the second is when they try to place all of the blame on you and lastly the fits of rage that come out of nowhere. I believe you are just beginning to see all the lies...I often wonder if the addict can even tell truth from lies. I remember in my situation everything that Paul said he hated (liars in particular) was everything he was. He told me he "used to have a problem" He told me he would never smoke cocaine because "Then you're really hooked".

I too was very naive about drugs even though I am a registered nurse. This forum helped me immensely; that and taking those classes on addiction. There were times I was very afraid of him and once spent the night in a motel. He was never physically abusive toward me but there were no guarantees that he wouldn't be. The verbal abuse and his controlling behaviors wreaked havoc on my self esteem and emotional well being. It's kind of like when someone is insecure in who they are, if they find a way to make those around them less secure then they will look stronger.

It wasn't until I distanced myself from the situation that I thought back to his crazy driving and realized that he was driving both myself and his kids around while under the influence. That is terrifying to me in retrospect. The types of people he hangs around with to "score" the drugs and the types of areas he goes to are not something you want anything to do with. Not to freak you out or anything but my daughter pointed out that dealers know where their clients live.

Anyhow, I was convinced that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I still loved him when he moved out. I knew I would fall prey to his manipulation coupled with my genuine feelings for him so realized that I could have no contact with him whatsoever if I was to remain free from this life that I like to refer to as Mr. Toad's wild ride. Am I lonely? Sometimes. Do I feel like I did what I had to do? Absolutely. Do I miss the life that I had with him? No. Am I ready for another relationship? Absolutely not, I am fairly damaged right now.

The most important lesson that I learned through the course of all this is that I was not trapped, I did not have to put up with any of this and that I could make him leave. Up until that moment of enlightenment I felt like because I was involved with this person, this was the way my life would be. That's not true. The most loving thing I could do was to stop providing for him so he would have less money to spend on crack. He had no consequences here. The most I would do was stop talking to him which he may well have preferred because it gave him license to do as he pleased and treat me like shit. In the end, he claimed to have been given bad advice and to "act up" as much as possible so he'd be asked to leave. Perhaps he knew he was in trouble too.

Regardless of all I have been through I really do appreciate having my life back. I remember in the throws of all of this leaving the house, being out on the driveway and saying out loud "I want my life back"!

I started journaling just before the break off of our engagement and kept on going. I would strongly suggest you do the same because in my moments of weakness I read this and it helps to keep me strong. I also kept the motel key as a reminder.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I'm sorry that any of us had to go through this and I am sorry for the addict. It must be awful to live your life always planning for the next high. Just remember you did not choose to live a life contaminated with substance abuse and you don't have to endure all of the evils that accompany it.

Keep in touch!
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Unread 01-06-2011, 07:44 AM   #7
amf2011
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Thank you Nancy and Sleepless for your responses. Just having this open ear, so to speak, to vent to has helped a lot. Thank you Nancy for the links and the information regarding the drug testing. It is definitely necessary, I don't think his mom would believe me without it. Sleepless, I am so happy that you got away from the situation you were in, reading all of your posts really showed me that I am not the only person going through this, and I don't feel so stupid for not seeing the signs sooner. I have been looking more into the subject of addiction, and I plan to continue to educate myself on the subject. I miss the man I fell in love with, and on good days like today when that man comes shinning through again, it gives me hope that maybe he could come all the way back. I feel like if I don't find a way to help him, if I just leave, then I am deserting him and his children when they need me most.
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Unread 01-07-2011, 12:48 PM   #8
NancyB
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Hi amf2011, that's too bad that his mom won't believe you without a drug test, even though his behavior has been erratic. But if that's what it takes, so be it. Hopefully it will open her eyes and then you can all work together to formulate a plan.

I'm glad you're going to educate yourself, that's the best thing you can do - arming yourself with science-based facts will really help if he continues to deny or say things contrary to what you've learned.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he realizes the severity of his actions and gets help soon before it's too late and he loses the ones he loves.

Please keep us updated.

Thinking of you.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 02-05-2011, 02:21 PM   #9
CarlyO
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Hi amf2011,

I was catching up with your BF situation- please post an update, you have a lot of people here who care. I hope all is well with you - keep reading, educating yourself - most of all stay safe.
Take care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 02-09-2011, 05:09 PM   #10
Lovedlifeulive
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Default It is what it is!

I have been on both sides of the fence and can only share with you my experience. I have always been against drugs and those who use it. I said, "that will never be me"! Well at 39 years old, I emotionally broke, became tired and said what the heck, a friend offered and I tried it. THAT WAS NO FRIEND. My partner of 11 years was also using and he became seriously addicted. His treatment cost us $28,000.00 for a month because he had no insurance.

The internal Hell one goes through on the user and non user side is so much to handle. He would lie just about every time words came out of his mouth. It got to the point that words no longer mattered. After therapy, he promised it would never happened again. The therapy helped, he was a new person. He was better than ever before, which made me wonder if the abuse I endured and the anger he displayed for 11 years was due to drug use. I was left to wonder if I was that blind. I came from a family of drug abusers and had been through so much hurt, did I really want to believe it? I can tell you that there is not enough money or love that can make someone stop using. That strength has to come from deep within.

After his therapy, I became very addicted. I overdosed a few times. The week of Christmas of 2010, I became so depressed because I had to spend it alone. I have no family and the only person in y life for 11 years was gone and spending Christmas with someone new. I just did not care. I actually used 43 grams of cocaine in 10 days!!! My head aches became so severe that I would scream in pain for hours! On Christmas day, I called a Taxi and went to the Emergency Room and told them what I had done. They sent me home with some pain meds for my head ache. I DID NOT NEED TO BE MEDICATED!! The prior week I called rehab centers and begged for help, since I had no insurance, they wanted cash up front. In the end, I became so angry that I said to myself, I WILL NOT LOOSE THIS BATTLE< I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! I have been clean since christmas day! Cocaine was put in front of me two days ago and I put it in the garbage disposal and told that person to never return.

The point is, there is hope!! The hope has to come from within. When I would use, I would get in arguments so I could leave overnight and use. The people around me knew I was using, but I did not want to do it around them and subject them to it, so I would make them mad so I could get my fix.

I don't think users want to be users. I truly believe there is an underlying problem, such as depression, etc... As well, you cannot subject yourself to this behavior and you and your love cannot heal him!!

Best wishes to you!!! I am here if you need to talk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amf2011 View Post
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I love him very much. Within the last year I have discovered that he has a cocaine addiction. I don't know how long he has been using or how frequently. Whenever I have approached the topic with him or flat out asked if he is using I am greeted with extreme hostility and denial. He tells me I am paranoid and that I need to relax. The biggest change I've noticed is his personality. He is so angry all the time and negative about everything. Sometimes I see the the man I met 7 years ago and fell in love with, but those sights are becoming rare. In July of 2010 I found cocaine paraphernalia,I confronted my boyfriend, who swore to me it was his friends. I just now found more cocaine stuff in our bathroom. I wonder which friend's it will be this time. My boyfriend also has 2 sons, 15 & 12, that live with us. They are unaware of their father's addiction. However, my boyfriend has become noticeably erratic. His children, his mother, and his friends have all asked me what is going on. I have lied to all the people asking and I have let my boyfriend lie to me over and over again. I don't know how to handle this. This is my first time on a forum and I tried it because I need help, please. -amf
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Unread 02-15-2011, 06:09 PM   #11
CarlyO
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Default Welcome LOVELIFEULIVED

Dear LoveLifeuiived,

Welcome, thank you for sharing your story and congrats on fighting this into remission ! I really like your attitude -- My jaw is still on the floor regarding the ER incident, I wish ( In a perfect world) there had been someone in the ER who was knowledgable to get you the help you needed. BUT... You got through that awful time, if you care to share --- what supports you are utilizing to NOT misuse any substances ?

And yes for many of there can be underlying issues like depression. I know it depends where you live but each county is supposed to offer help on a sliding fee scale. You pay only what you can.

That sounds like a close call... I am not sure who put the substance in front of you but it is suggested to stay away from people who are still out there active.

Again, welcome aboard, hope you will keep us posted on your journey!
Take care , Carly
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Unread 04-11-2011, 11:21 AM   #12
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Good thread. Thank you for the information!
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