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Unread 07-07-2010, 10:08 PM   #1
sleepless
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Default I need help!

I am currently living with my ex-fiance and his 15 year old daughter (in my house). He and I have been together for 14 months. The engagement was called off after I received hair sample results showing daily/weekend cocaine use. I picked up some hair after a haircut to end my suspicions. When he was living in his apartment I found burnt spoons on several occasions which he always blamed on a friend who used the apartment sometimes. He even said he thought it was mine at one point. Well January 1st I confronted him with the results in hand, he denied it and walked out saying "He didn't need this". A couple weeks later he and I got back together and resumed our plans to move in together and he promised to give it up. He even recently voluntarily submitted to another hair sample which showed the exact same use pattern. He is not consistently contributing to the household finances and now with the 15 year old...it is messed up. The courts recently had a CHIPS petition because the police had been at her mother's house 90 times in the past year. She was reluctantly placed with her father (and I) but if this fails she will go to foster care. I still have no idea how he "passed the random drug test and AODA assessment without follow up being required. I am a registered nurse. Yesterday I checked her history on the computer and found her researching how to get high on Tylenol #3...it was then that the empty bottle in the den was linked to her, you know how you just kind of make note and then when the pieces come together it makes sense. She had also searched how to get high on guaifenesin and I realized there was a spot under the bathroom sink where I had this and other assorted samples from when I had worked at a clinic. I brought this information to her dad and told him to take that basket out to his trunk but he said he wouldn't because he wanted to trust his daughter. Shortly after telling him this I found remnants of a white tablet near the computer like she had cut the pill or maybe snorted it who knows. She told him that she thinks I'm doing drugs because I seem spacey sometimes. The truth is, I just shut down when he goes into his rages that seem to come out of nowhere. The real shocker is that he believed her! It must be some sick and twisted way of the addicts changing the spotlight from themselves. It's nuts. I feel like I am trying to help him keep her and removing any potential hazards to keep her out of a foster home. I told him he should buy an over the counter test for her but he refused. I feel like I am in a sea of lies and deceit. Him and I most often are not even sharing a bedroom. Each and every lie that he has told me have slowly killed our love. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I know it's just a matter of time before his daughter is going to be removed from our home either due to his or her failing of a drug test and I will have failed.
I don't even know what I'm looking for with his drug use. I occasionally find a pliars or pens that are taken apart. I wish I knew how and what exactly he is doing. Any help you guys can offer would be greatly appreciated. I plan on attending a 4 week series in understanding addiction that begins next week and is based off the HBO documentary and will be looking into additional counseling because I believe this has damaged me in ways I don't even recognize. Please help!
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Unread 07-10-2010, 07:10 AM   #2
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Hi sleepless, welcome. You cannot change, and all the understanding of what addiction is won't change them either. They are the ones who have to want to change. Until that time, there is really nothing you can do except for take care of yourself. You've been together for 14 months, and from what you wrote, things appear to have gotten no better, perhaps a bit worse with daughter now under YOUR roof.

I'm glad you're looking into counseling. You might also think about Alanon where you'll have the live peer support of others who've have/are going through the same things.

One thing you might want to do is to set down ground rules for them living in your home. Things such as no drugs in the house, random drug testing by you, consistent contributions to the household. But with the ground rules, you must have consequences if they're broken. And you must be able to enforce those consequences. In my opinion, the consequence is that they are to immediately leave your house if those rules are broken. You've given your ex-fiance plenty of chances. At this point, from an outsider's vantage, it looks as though he may be taking advantage of you.

These links might be helpful for you, even though they're from AlcoholAnswers.org, they pertain to the family members and addiction is addiction no matter the substance or act (such as gambling, sex):
http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friend...do-to-help.cfm

Also look at the "Related Articles" under initial text on that page.
Related Articles:

The 'Window of Opportunity'
What can I do if someone is not willing to get help?
About codependency.
About enabling.
About denial.

Please take care of yourself. Until he wants help, there is nothing you can do except be ready to help at that point, take of your health and well-being, and do not enable him to continue that lifestyle under your roof.

I hope this is helpful.

Nancy
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Unread 07-10-2010, 10:32 AM   #3
sleepless
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Nancy,
Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, it was nothing that I didn't already know. I have tried to make him leave once and he demanded 30 days. Of course in that time things smoothed over. He would never be able to afford living on his own either. I did confront the daughter, she of course denied taking the pills and continues to say she's not a pill popper. Yeah, right! I did a better job of "baby-proofing" the house so I don't think she'll be able to get her hands on anything else. I told her that if she were to fail a random test she would be placed in a foster home...I guess at 15 that doesn't sound as scary as it should. I also told her I was having the conversation because I care about her and what happens to her.
I have found myself being much more open with my family and friends about the situation lately. I continue to tell them that I'm not saying I can do this forever but for today I can. Honestly, I can't believe I am willing to put up with anything like this. I'm well educated, professional with a good income, somewhat attractive...but I would be lonely without him. He is very helpful around the house and I just shut down when he gets into his moods. I wonder if it is withdrawal or some form of mental illness like bipolar.
I still wonder what he is doing, do you have any idea with the burnt spoons and the pens with the insides taken out? I feel like I don't even know what I'm looking for. I always do best having all of the information and I have many unanswered questions...
...So today I can,
Sleepless
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Unread 07-10-2010, 06:44 PM   #4
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Sleepless, the burnt spoon is an indication that he is heating up a substance and injecting it. The inside of the pen being taken out, is so he can use the tube to snort up any drugs. His mood swings are probably the result of him being on drugs =good mood, and off of drugs= bad mood. It is a very difficult situation you are in. Seeing a counselor is a very good idea, as well as alanon. Like Nancy said, he will not change until he is ready, all the love and support in the world won't do it. There comes a time when loved one's have to be wary of being enablers. Steve
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Unread 07-10-2010, 07:47 PM   #5
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I was afraid that it was injectable although I never saw any needles. The burnt spoons are no longer around (or at least visible to me). Is this like freebasing? There was a time when I would find remnants of baking soda on the counter. Is that smoking or injecting?
I totally feel like an enabler, he is not consistently paying his portion for things. He works at a car dealership so they pay out small amounts of cash called draws on almost a daily basis. There is no way for me to track anything. I feel like things are spiraling out of control and I feel really stupid...I feel stupid.
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Unread 07-11-2010, 08:28 AM   #6
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Hi sleepless, the burnt spoon and baking soda could also mean that he's making crack cocaine - to smoke it.

Don't feel stupid. Maybe you need to try to detach yourself from the situation a little and look at from a different angle. What if one of your friends or family members came to you with the same problem? How would you react?

Right now you have to protect yourself. He is in your house, he should live there under your rules. You need to be able to enforce those rules and not let yourself be taken advantage of. You say you'd be lonely without him, in my opinion, you sound lonely and stressed with him there and now his daughter. He can find somewhere else to live. That should not be your concern if he is not willing to abide by the boundaries you set. If you decide to set these boundaries, you need to keep them. You do not have to give him 30 days to find somewhere to live, he knows that he can smooth things over before that 30 days is up as he's done before.

As Steve said, his mood swings are probably because of his drug misuse. If he is suffering from depression, bipolar or anything else, he should go to a psychiatrist and get proper help and proper medication instead of him using the cocaine/crack to self medicate.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm concerned about you and his taking advantage of you and it wearing you down. Please look out for you.

Nancy
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Unread 07-11-2010, 06:39 PM   #7
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Sleepless, There is no reason for you to feel stupid. The "average" person who does'nt know anyone addicted, or is not addicted themselves, would not know what some drug paraphernalia is, or used for. As Nancy stated, you should set boundaries and rules, with consequences if not followed. I know it's hard when you love someone and they are abusing substances, but right now he is not really the person you love. Because of this, he is not able to give you the love and attention you deserve. Asking him to leave until he gets better ( meaning treatment) may end up helping him a great deal. Take care of yourself, and try to get some therapy. Just like being on here helps, face to face would be that much better. Steve
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Unread 07-11-2010, 09:00 PM   #8
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You are so right about him not being the person I love. I don't feel love from him, only animosity...someone had said that I already sounded lonely when I said I would miss him if he weren't around. Tonight, after an afternoon at the beach we came home and he was instantly in a bad mood because I didn't pay for dinner. This presumably used up his drug money. Both he and his daughter went into their rooms and I am alone and Pissed! I had my credit card with me but didn't let him know that. I suppose he suffered the embarrassment being short on the bill in front of his daughter but...oh well. Perhaps if he hadn't gone out for "ice cream" last night he would have had enough money. I am so sick of his lying to me. Last night I told him that I was trying to understand his addiction and maybe wouldn't have such a problem with it if he was meeting his financial obligations here first. He knows I know but can't seem to be able to admit/acknowledge anything. I know full well what he's out to do when he leaves at night with all of his BS excuses. I will never be able to trust him. I ask myself how I could ever expect to have a real relationship without one of the true fundamentals. This bites!
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Unread 07-12-2010, 06:27 AM   #9
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Hi sleepless, it was nice 'meeting' you in chat last night. Let us know how the Addiction education series goes when you have a chance and maybe we'll see you again tomorrow night. Take care of you.

Nancy
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Unread 07-13-2010, 09:45 AM   #10
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Here's what I learned last night...addicts can't find enjoyment from life without their drug. Now I find myself feeling sorry for him, what a miserable existence. They actually damage their brain and their serotonin ceases normal production.
Much of what was presented was fairly basic and quite a bit of focus on alcohol ( I know the two can be interchangable). The part of the HBO documentary that they showed from "Addiction" was very informative.
I'm glad I went but no one gave any indication of why they were there. I guess this is why I'd like Alanon.
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Unread 07-13-2010, 11:52 AM   #11
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Hi sleepless, that's good that it was informative. But don't feel sorry for him. HE can make the decision to enter recovery and learn ways other than cocaine misuse to live and be happy. Plenty of people have done it and are successful living happily without being in active addiction. Most brain changes can be reversed with treatment. The serotonin and endorphin process can return to normal with treatment. Just like any disease, getting into treatment gets the ball rolling on the road to recovery.

Have you checked to see if there are any Alanon groups near you?
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Nancy
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Unread 07-13-2010, 06:32 PM   #12
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Sleepless, I am glad that you are educating yourself about addiction. Like Nancy said, try not to feel sorry for him. I mean, it's normal to feel sorry for someone in this situation, just don't let you're feeling sorry for him get in the way of you being strong and setting rules. He has to want to get better, until then , he won't. Going to alanon will really help you, you will realize you're not in this by yourself. Since you're not in this by yourself, you don't have to do it by yourself! Good luck, Steve
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Unread 07-17-2010, 05:11 PM   #13
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Hi Sleepless,

How have you been doing lately ? Please post /vent, most of all take care of yourself !
Carly
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Unread 07-20-2010, 12:33 AM   #14
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So tonight, after my second class ( and a week of sobriety on his part due to money) I asked him when he starting using again. He completely shut down. I wanted to understand what his triggers were. His poor daughter was pleading with him to talk about stuff. I am completely perplexed and very disillusioned. I praised him for the past week and let him know my concerns about him having money again; he mentioned a short leash. I don't know what to do here.
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Unread 07-20-2010, 12:41 AM   #15
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Tonight we talked about enablers. I have talked with him about meeting his financial obligations here before treating himself to drugs. I am facing bankruptcy d/t being sued by an ex-fiance and he just doesn't seem to get it. Fortunately, I had the where with all to not let him charge a $1500 lap top for his daughter for her graduation, I'm getting the picture..."I'll chip in half for the flat screen etc..." He is so in denial with his addiction and it's always my fault...my drinking etc, whenever I ask a Question. Remember, his daughter is here only until something comes up positive, I never cease to be amazed that he can pass a drug test. With him being out of money, the past week has been like I actually know the person I am with and I praised him for that. He got very defensive when I asked him when he started using again. I have no idea how to procede here
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Unread 07-20-2010, 08:05 PM   #16
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Sleepless, Addicts always shutdown when they are confronted about their using. If using isn't talked about, it does'nt exist. As far as proceeding, realistically, you have to keep moving forward and dealing with you're own problems without him dragging you down. If he is not willing to get help, you have to make plans to move forward, without him. I realize this is easier said then done, and his daughter is in the mix. That's why speaking to a professional at this point in time would be beneficial for you. Sorting through you're feelings can be very difficult, a counselor or therapist would be a good way to go for you. Good Luck, Steve
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Unread 07-20-2010, 11:30 PM   #17
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I am being bombarded by addictions from all angles. My 29 year old daughter was arrested from my 96 year old dad's home a few weeks ago when I called 911 for her out of control, violent behavior. His daughter...let's just say children learn what they live. Despite my fabulous detective work, he refuses to give me pieces to the puzzle that I so desperately need. Now, he's talking about his 18 year old staying with us while she goes to college. I feel like my life is spinning out of control. He just wanted to go out at 10:15 pm and supposedly wanted me to go with him...I have jury duty in the am for the next couple of days. He showed me how much money he was taking with him and left some money on the table. Truly, I think he needs to date a dumber woman. I don't know how this will all play out. I am enjoying the Monday classes but they will end in 2 weeks. All I wanted to know last night was what made him start using again, he refuses to say anything because he's afraid it will bite him in the ass. This surprises me because I already have two positive hair samples. It amazes me that with his daughter "on the line" he can't keep things in prospective. If I weren't such an enabler I would give a heads up to the social worker to request a random drop tonight. Truth is, I don't trust the social worker involved in his daughter's case to keep it confidential. I just kind of wish it would happen this way so he could feel like a real ass when she is taken out of our home. Now I see clearly why drugs are and should be illegal. I keep telling him that I want to understand, I want to know if he was using when we first met and what caused him to relapse. I tell him how unfair it is that his daughter and I have to live with his rage and mood swings but he just doesn't get it. Steve, how did you get involved with this site?
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Unread 07-21-2010, 06:46 PM   #18
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Sleepless, I was addicted to opiods (pain pills), and an alcoholic.Basically, if I did not have pills, I would take what ever I could get my hands on. I have had my addiction in remission since July 16, 09. This is the longest period in 27 years I have not had a drink, pill, pot, anything. I am finishing up my masters degree in psychology with the emphasis on addiction . I am going to offer counseling/therapy. That's why I have been suggesting you speak to someone in person about you're situation. There are so many variables invovled with the disease of addiction. I am just giving you my opionion on you're situation. Speaking of, I think it would be a very bad idea to bring someone else into the house with an addiction problem. Steve

Last edited by stp747; 07-21-2010 at 06:49 PM..
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Unread 07-22-2010, 06:49 AM   #19
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Hi sleepless, he will keep taking advantage of you as long as you let him. It is YOUR house, your sanity that you need to keep in tact. You've only been together for 14 months, how much of that 14 months has been turmoil for you?

It doesn't matter what made him start using again. It really doesn't. Would you believe what he said anyways? The main thing should be why doesn't he want help, why doesn't he want to get better? You should again think about setting boundaries with consequences. Or just tell him he needs to find his own place with his two daughters and you'll go back to just dating him. How he'll pay for it is his concern. He's a grown man and as long as you allow him to take advantage of you, he'll do it.

I agree with Steve in that you should seek out some therapy and maybe you can get your EX-fiance to go with you and either work things out or not.

You need to start taking control of the situation for your well being. I don't mean to sound harsh, but please re-read this thread and pretend it's a friend of yours telling you these things. How would you advise her?

You need to take care of YOU and YOU only right now.

Nancy
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Unread 07-23-2010, 10:17 PM   #20
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yeah, I think he peed the bed last night. He took the sheets off and it felt a little moist. Tonight I poured 2 1/2 cups of water under the mattress cover. I asked him why there were no sheets on the bed and he blamed it on all the crap his feet picked up. I am not sleeping with him tonight.
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Unread 07-25-2010, 12:09 PM   #21
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And now I told his family
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Unread 07-25-2010, 07:20 PM   #22
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Sleepless, Telling his family is, I hope, a good thing? Hopefully they will be of some help. The more people in you're corner, the better. Maybe between you and his family, someone can convince him he has a problem, and should seek help. How are you holding up? Please check into Alanon, or some kind of talk therapy. Steve
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Unread 07-26-2010, 06:55 AM   #23
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Hi sleepless, what was his family's reaction? Does he know you told them, what was his reaction?

As Steve mentioned, please try to find an Alanon group or individual therapy for yourself. It's important that you take care of yourself.

Nancy
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Unread 07-26-2010, 02:00 PM   #24
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His sister didn't seem too surprised, she said "Oh, I thought he was doing so much better". We were at a family gathering in about 2 hours from home. I told them about my concern for his daughter and the random tests that are going to land her in foster care should anything come back positive. He got very upset with me and told me the keys were in the car and to get the hell out...I did and left both of them to find their own way home.
When he got home he wanted to take a walk and asked me if I thought maybe alcohol makes us fight every night. I acknowledged that we probably do too much cocktailing. He was calm and we had a relatively good evening.
I think it was important to me to have one of his 6 sisters with the inside scoop otherwise I am blamed for everything with his incredulous stories. I was also able to get in there that this was the reason we broke up in January. She asked me how I know and I told her about the hair samples. She then asked his daughter point blank if she thought her dad was acting like he was using again. She said "Hell no, he is way worse when he's using".
Anyhow, I felt like it needed to be said, I was able to say it and now I feel like I can get more support for all of us. His sisters can be very direct and ultimately, unless he's able to convince them that I'm nuts, it should help.

P.S. I'm really sorry about pouring water on the mattress but I was so upset that he got himself that whatever to do it.
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Unread 07-31-2010, 06:35 AM   #25
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Hi sleepless, I'm sorry, for not responding earlier. How are things going now that you've told his sister? You mentioned alcohol, is that an every night thing, since you acknowledged that there might be too much drinking, has anything changed in that area? Again, I apologize for not responding sooner, please let me know how it going.

Nancy
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Unread 07-31-2010, 04:34 PM   #26
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Hi Sleepless,

One thing that may help with family support ( at least those you believe will be supportive ) is to go to the educational info provided on the site and print it out. I will copy some links that may be helpful--- sometimes families /loved ones are simply uneducated about addiction, may be enablers or even believe they can wish it away that it is a matter of Willpower - which it is not. There are som many ways family members can help... just by being aware and it lets you off the hook when he starts with what you mentioned above

Quote from sleepless "I think it was important to me to have one of his 6 sisters with the inside scoop otherwise I am blamed for everything with his incredulous stories. I was also able to get in there that this was the reason we broke up in January. """

Let me get some links and will post them if for some reason they do not come up - just go to the main page of the Forum and it will direct where educational info is....


He has to want help and you may need to decide if this is something you can deal with until he becomes ready. Always remember if you propose an ultimatum to him, be ready to back it up or he will think he can get away with anything, that you or his family are using "words" but won't ever follow through .

Most of all take care of you !! Keep us posted - be well- Carly : )
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Unread 07-31-2010, 04:46 PM   #27
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Default Links for Sleepless ......

Hi Sleepless here are the links... Good luck and I hope it is helpful....
Information for your family ....
Education for your family/loved ones can be vital to their understanding of what you are facing and trying to accomplish.
Below is the link to the information and other resources on the site that may help them.
Info/link for Family /Friends ::

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friends-family/

This is from the alcohol support forum BUT there will be a lot a useful info for the family as it relates also to his cocaine misuse.

Info that may also help...
Treatment locator : Physicians, counselors and treatment facilities..
just enter zip code....

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/local

Below is a list of the various support groups that are available and how to find one near you. There is now much more than traditional AA, there are many types of support groups out there.

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/resour...port-links.cfm
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Unread 09-03-2010, 01:13 PM   #28
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Dear Sleepless... I have struggled with cocaine addiction for many years.I have known many, many drug addicts primarily cocaine. My self personally I lack support. Its a dark secret I keep except for those few that still sneak up on me who use. I have kept my jobs and never was a villian, vulture, uncaring thief as the one's I have been associated with. Ask him if he wants to quit. If he does give him all the love and support to achieve that. If he is not honest and continues to use you will have to leave. Even while he is trying He may slip up. If he is honest about that with you, pick him up and give him a hug and say "Let's try again to keep you clean." And then again many addicts have a dual diagnosis...they use to medicate their mental health. It's a tough call...I will follow your posts and add my insight about addicts. The spoons? He is buying cocaine powder and cooking it to smoke crack. The pens perhaps can be explained for pushing the screen used in smoking coke or using the steel barrel for a tube to smoke it in. If he wants to quit, sincerely quit, he needs your support. Understanding addiction is a great place to start. Please have me in your thoughts as I too struggle to recover...
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Unread 09-06-2010, 02:49 PM   #29
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Hey, thanks for your input...it's been a while since I checked in on this site. Paul and I are on a very rough path. He claims he's done with our relationship while still living in my house. He gave me a substantial payment from his last paycheck and became irate when I wouldn't give him some money back for his cell phone bill and his payday loan payment. He borrowed money from his ex-wife and now his phone is shut off. I had to stop the enabling as much as I could. I have no idea how much money she lent him but I know he's made calls to his dealer everyday so, I guess his priorities make him be without a cell phone.

I started writing about my experience and if it turns out, it may someday become my first novel. As I read my writings it just made me more angry that he is so selfish for lack of a better word that he has destroyed what I felt was the most sacred love in the world (in very short order).

I am taking a class called "Get your loved one sober" and it deals with the CRAFT method. I have been taught to avoid blaming, nagging etc and just tell him how I feel. The other night I woke up at 1:30 am he was gone. I called him and asked where he was. He said he had gone out to buy cigarettes and grab a beer. I hung up at that point and he immediately called me back. All I did was remind him that he hates beer. I thought I had failed my new approach miserably but the facilitator of the group disagreed and said at least I didn't get in a fight.

I feel sorry for his situation, mine and yours too. Drugs do destroy lives. They destroy relationships and affect many innocent people. It's incredibly sad to me
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Unread 09-06-2010, 05:05 PM   #30
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Sleepless: Hi, and welcome. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I am a recovering cocaine/crack addict, nine years clean now. It took me hitting a bottom so hard to get my act together. I drove high, ran a red light and hit a minivan, killing an innocent woman. I spent five years in prison. I lied, stole, manipulated and did whatever it took to get my drugs. My family went through hell and back. There is a light at the end of this nightmare when you fiance' is ready to stop...when he has said he's sick and tired of being sick and tired and living his life as one big lie. Cocaine impairs the mind, it becomes our first love and nothing else matters. Believe me he will turn the tables to try to put blame on you as to why there is "problems" in the relationship...It takes alot of hard work, tears, frustration, etc., to come back from addiction. But it can be done. Today I am clean as I said for nine years, happily married to an awesome man, very close to my family and actually like myself today. Never could I have imagined getting off coke and living the life I do today. You are doing the right thing going to these classes. You must set boundries and not deviate from them. Get firm, Get tough....remember tough love. I wish you the best and I lost the battle for many years, but I won the war one day at a time. I'll be praying for you. JNJ
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Unread 09-07-2010, 10:54 PM   #31
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We're still not talking...it's been 5 days
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Unread 09-09-2010, 10:19 PM   #32
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It's been an entire week since we've talked...the tension is wearing on me. I don't know what to do next Any help would be greatly appreciated
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Unread 09-09-2010, 11:04 PM   #33
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Hi Sleepless,

My two cents...turn that tension from not talking to him into peace. If there's no talking, there's no fighting. If there's no fighting, you can concentrate on YOU and and what you need to do to go on...without him.

Yeah, it's harsh, but when I try to look at your situation from the perspective of the family of an addict...(I'm a recovering addict)...well, that's what my family did while I was "out there." They went on without me. For 21 years.

You've been with this man 14 or so months? You don't know if he had a problem when you met him...you may never know. I respect that knowing is important to you, however, it doesn't change the fact that he has a problem and as long as he is living under YOUR roof, his problem puts you at risk...being that you are a nurse I think you know the risks.

Not to mention the very real possibility of having your house raided. Have you ever been in a house when it was raided? I could write a book about that alone.

I can qualify my two cents by letting you know I've loved many an addict. ALL my ex's were my dope men. I stood vigilantly by one of them as I was getting clean, encouraging him through his program of recovery. I made it through mine, he's still "out there" and I've moved on. We were together six years and have a child together.

His loss...my clean, sober, loving, wonderful husband has adopted my boy...he's got a really great daddy. My first clean, real relationship is truly heaven-sent.

This may sound even harsher, but I feel it needs to be said...cut your losses and move on before you're trapped. A week of no communication with your addict could very well be a blessing in disguise.

Prayers for your strength and courage, and for all addicts who still suffer.

Have an awesome dopeless day,

-DHF
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Unread 09-15-2010, 12:33 PM   #34
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HI sleepless,

How are you doing ? You got some great feedback already, do you have any face to face support ? Counselor, even Al Anon ? I tend to agree with DHF, it has been a bit over a year, the more time he continues on like this the more it will BRING YOU DOWN.
DHF brought up so many valid points Raids, your job, your home... if he is not willing to get help then it will be more of the same only it gets worse, addiction is a Progressive disease if not treated. Right now it sounds like you may be enabling him.

Please remember though if you give him an ultimatum, you have to be ready and willing to back it up.

I know your heart may be telling one thing, but I ruined so many relationships due to my addiction, because my addiction Always came first.

Keep us posted - please take care of YOU ! Carly
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Unread 09-18-2010, 07:41 PM   #35
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Dear Sleepless Its time to cut the strings and say enough is enough...Its time to take back your life... Only you can do that.. You,ve tried to help him and his daughter and guess what they don,t want your help .. They are not ready to quit so you need to ask them to leave and tell them your done... I know its hard but if your going to survive you are going to need to let them go...Otherwise your sobriety and your life will be in jeopardy...And you will lose yourself in the process.. Please only you can do this otherwise i fear for your safety...My thoughts and prayers are with you and remember you are not alone....We are there with you every step of the way...Please let us know how you are doing..Di
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Unread 09-20-2010, 11:30 AM   #36
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Dear Sleepless Im just checking to see how you are doing????? I hope you are ok???? Please keep in touch... Thinking of you..Princess Di
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Unread 09-21-2010, 09:40 PM   #37
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Sleepless I hope you are ok... I hope to hear from you soon...Princessdi
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Unread 09-26-2010, 08:13 PM   #38
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Hey guys, thanks for your concern. Through my class I realize that by allowing him to live here I am enabling him. He claims he can't wait to get out. I sent a letter to his siblings:
Paul resents me for knowing...drug addicts like to keep their problem a secret and remain in denial to even themselves, even when confronted with hard evidence. I don't claim to have done everything right when faced with this situation but I am doing everything within my power to learn how best to deal with this situation. I don't hate the addict, i hate the drug. I hate that it has destroyed my trust and our relationship.

The reason for my letter is based upon the fact that he consented to a second hair test. After receiving the results I am having trouble making sense of this. He did it to put my fears to rest. That would have happened had it been negative; the fact that it showed the same pattern of use makes me wonder if this was his cry for help. I feel so bad that this wonderful person is forced to live a lie. I feel bad that he is trying to self medicate the culmination of all his hurts from his childhood, the end of his marriage and careers and finally, the loss of his parents.

You are his family. I am not sharing this with you to look upon him negatively but I am looking to you to offer him the help and support that he so desperately needs but refuses to accept from me.

Keep Brooke especially in the forefront of your minds as you collectively decide if you can do anything to help him. She is not in the loving environment that I had hoped to provide for her. My example is teaching her all the wrong things; exactly what she should not tolerate from a man. She has observed my tolerating numerous outbursts which I, myself can't believe I allowed. Love does some pretty amazing things to people. I have tried everything within my power to help this situation. I have taken a 4 week class on Understanding Addiction and am currently in a 7 week class called getting your loved one sober. What this teaches you is to give only positive feedback and stop nagging. Despite my new found knowledge he has completely shut me out when I couldn't give him money to pay his cell phone and a payday loan. Ultimately Mary gave him money...I don't know how much but I can tell you that his cell phone was shut off and the payday loan store called me because they were unable to get a hold of him and I was listed as one of his references.

It was 2 weeks ago last Thursday since we last spoke. As you might imagine this is very uncomfortable and I will not be able to continue like this much longer. I don't think he loves me anymore...maybe never did. Perhaps I was just a means to an end, the ultimate enabler. Do you suppose this is why he always lived with someone?

I am begging you to collectively discuss whether or not you, as a family can come together and consider a formal intervention. That is the only way I think he can survive.

I can trust nothing he tells me. I am not sure he is capable of discussing his feelings or even telling the truth.

I agree that everyone has a right to live their life the way they choose. What I'm not convinced of is that this is the life Paul would have chosen; to always be controlled by planning and wondering where he would get his next fix. I believe he wants to be following Christian beliefs and practices. In fact, I can't imagine that he finds any solice in church because he knows the truth. While I relished finding our church and attending together, I no longer feel that it makes any sense for me.

I really believed with all my heart that this was it, this was the love of my life and I was excited about making the committment to loving him forever. It was a wonderful story and the most real love I had ever felt.

I don't know what caused him to start using again or when it started. When I asked, he refused to share any information stating "it would bite me in the ass". All I can tell you is that he is a different person than when I first met him.

I have debated long and hard about what to do next. I have wondered if, as a nurse, I have a legal obligation to talk with the social worker involved with Brooke. I am afraid because I know Brooke and Paul need each other but truly, she deserves to have predictable responses from a sober parent if she is to succeed. She needs to be in a loving environment where she learns what love is. I was encouraged when Paul was going to have to submit to random drug screens as part of her placement in our home. Unfortunately, their idea of random is to set appointments ahead of time so he's been able to pass them. Once I confronted him about how precarious Brooke's situation is and that one positive drug test could force her into the foster care system. To my amazement, Paul's response was "So, if it happens, it happens". That one comment spoke volumes to me...he loves his drug more than his own child.

You have already suffered the loss of one brother and I never want you to have to face this again with Paul. As I back away from this situation which I have no control over, I needed you to know so if there is anything you can do to help...you at least you will have known that help was needed.

Please don't think that I am trying to convince you that I am any better of a person, I am not; I am the lucky one who didn't develop a drug addiction.

Back in January when I first confronted Paul with my concerns and the results from the hair test that confirmed my worst fears; he stood up and said "I don't need this nor do I want this" and left. That was when the engagement was broken. While I had suspicions for some time, that test confirmed the one thing that scared me the most, the one thing I told him I could not tolerate. At that time I told him I would be willing to go through whatever it takes with him but, he still walked out. He asked for the ring back and called the next day to say "You're never going to believe this but I lost the ring"...he was right. That's why on moving day when he kept telling everyone to look for the ring, it was an exercise in futility and I knew it.

I have tried my best to prepare myself to deal with a horrible situation of someone that I love. His hatred for me because I know his private life has made me withdraw and become very depressed. I feel hollow. Imagine thinking that you finally know the ending to your story and then realizing that the person who was supposed to be your everything chooses cocaine over you.

When we got back together on a Sunday after church in January, he promised me that he would quit, of course I promised to quit smoking but was only able to stay quit for eight days. Much like my addiction, Paul is using every day. I am always fearful when he leaves the house at all hours of the night to unknown destinations to deal with what I imagine to be undesirable people with guns. When I finally hear him come home then I worry about finding him dead.

Paul vomits all the time and drinks very heavily. Brooke often asks him to stop, Brooke often asks him why he gets so angry so quickly. I haven't told her that it's probably withdrawl.

Paul and I haven't even really been in the same room together for the entire time we haven't been communicating. I got up to try and catch a glimpse of him a couple of times as he walked to his car. The first time I thought "he looks so cute" the last time I thought "nothing about him looks at all familiar".

I'm not sure if he plans on moving out or not. At this point I am just hoping he will. I have no idea how he will afford it as he shows little restraint when he has money in his hands. This has been and still is the most difficult situation I have ever experienced, I feel like a stranger in my own home. Please take this to heart and do what you can, his life is worth saving and I love him. I am so sorry to have to tell you this but truth is, you probably already knew.

Thank you for accepting me into your family like you did. I will miss all of you. Please let me know if you need any further information or if there is anything I can do to help.

Love, Laurie


one of them contacted me to say that he's been in rehab numerous times and until he's hit rock bottom it is throwing money out the window. I told her he hits rock bottom every time he is out of $$ and drugs. he told me he doesn't need to be fixed. Had a discussion with his ex-wife (for the first time), she said he is supposed to be on depakote.

Things are really shitty here, I want him to go
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Unread 09-27-2010, 07:33 AM   #39
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Dear Sleepless,

Thank you for the update and for sharing the letter to the family. It seems like those classes taught you what you do and do NOT have control over when it comes to addiction issues. In the end, all you can do is put the info out there, it sounds like at least one or a few of the siblings are have tried and realize he has to WANT to get help, no one can do it for it for him.
You certainly have tried your best with him and his daughter- IMO gone above and beyond to educate yourself about this insidious disease. Yes you can hate the disease the havoc it wreaks on all involved, there is saying in the rooms. ""We are not responsible for our disease but we are responsible for seeking recovery""

How is the daughter doing ? I worry about her and her past attempts to get high- as a nurse I'm sure you know the stats on teenagers having easier access to prescription meds than alcohol these days. My own addiction started in part when I worked for a relative who was a doctor and I had easy access to samples.Back in the days when they never locked them up, reps brought samples by the boxfuls. My journey was long and and hellish - it caused so much pain for my loved ones, I had to hit absolute rock bottom, have my freedom threatened before I sought help in earnest. My family had to cut me out of their lives for their own sanity and I do not blame them.

You sound like you have a grasp of what is to come, like you said- grieving the loss of a man you had planned to marry. You must do what is healthy for you, if he is still in denial, then imo- nothing will change, it will progress. Again, imo turning it over to his family is worth a try, there is only so much you can do and you have done so much to help him, please do not second guess yourself on that.
The next step is take care of YOU , I know it must be difficult to comprehend
( in your heart ) how someone can choose a substance over Love, it is not you, not something you did or didn't do, it is untreated addiction. Have faith that there is a new , happier life for you, you deserve no less, you will get through this.

Take care of yourself, I hope the transition goes as smoothly as possible, keep us posted when you can...
Carly
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Unread 09-28-2010, 10:51 PM   #40
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Thank you so much
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Unread 09-29-2010, 01:54 AM   #41
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Laurie Thats the best thing for him and yourself... You no in your heart you can not help him until he hits rock bottom... I wish you the best of luck and remember to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF... ONE DAY AT A TIME...My thoughts and prayers are with you.. Love Di
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Unread 09-29-2010, 07:58 AM   #42
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Hi Laurie, I can't really add anything more except for set the last boundary - for him to leave YOUR house. Please make this about YOU now. You must do this for yourself. You cannot do anything more for him. You've done everything you possibly could and then some. There is no reason to have a stranger in your house any longer. Do it for you.

Please keep us posted on how YOU are.

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Unread 10-03-2010, 02:08 AM   #43
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sleepless,

keeping you in thoughts and prayers...

the letter you wrote was fantastic...great job

hope you are taking care of yourself and know that you're doing the right thing...

by putting YOU first...

keep us posted when you can...

-DHF
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Unread 10-05-2010, 12:35 AM   #44
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so we had a heart to heart. I would have much rather been eternally pissed at him before he leaves. He confessed to always having done drugs since I met him. He keeps trying to kiss me but I shun his attempts. I told him he can't just go around destroying lives. He asked me whose life he was destroying now and I said mine. I am too strong to let his "I've blocked all of their numbers" routine change my path. Tonight he got a call from a dealer and he said they call you from different numbers.

I guess some of the things that I have said made an impact, "Your daughter doesn't respect you if you give her the car that will not change she will have only won in another way. She's supposedly going to look at apartments with him tomorrow, he is apparently looking outside of the suburb where we currently live. Great...I can't imagine the havock he could reap on any future relationships.

Tonight he said he was sorry that at the end of a day he couldn't just come home to snuggle with me. I suppose my withdrawl has initiated someof this.
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Unread 10-05-2010, 02:53 PM   #45
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Hi sleepless,

I can relate to that...being eternally pissed at your addict, instead of having some understanding...

But I've learned something in recovery that really changed the way I look at forgiveness...

It's not so much about making them feel better about what they've done to you, forgiveness is for YOU to be at peace with what's already been done. Forgiveness is in large part for you...so you can go on without hatred and anger...just my opinion based on my experience.

Keeping you in thoughts and prayers,

-DHF
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Unread 10-05-2010, 08:15 PM   #46
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I just keep thinking that he expects me to back down from having him move out each time he talks about looking for apartments. He claims to have blocked the numbers for his dealers but last night one of them called him from another number...these guys truly are pushers. I called him today to tell him if he were serious about quitting he should change his phone number.

I truly love/d Paul but I cannot trust anything. Tonight he was going to cook out when I got home he was gone. I hate to jump to conclusions but...

Saturday night he was really sick, maybe the flu, maybe withdrawal. Either way, as a nurse I gave him chicken noodle soup and aspirin and ginger ale...and he lived.

He claims he's trying to quit because some of the things I said made an impact. I also hired someone to cut the grass on Friday and he commented on how odd it seemed to have some guy cutting the grass. I don't think he stands a chance without treatment. I offered him this site but he claimed he didn't need the support. I am remaining strong but sad
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Unread 10-06-2010, 11:30 AM   #47
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Good morning Sleepless I know you want to help him but like i said before the only way to help him is to let him go... You can suggest treatment which is really what he needs because i know i was like him... I wasn't able to stop on my own... I made excuses and those excuses turned to lies and finally i fell on my a#####s .So please i know its hard but you can't force him to get help he has to do it on his own... Just remember to take care of yourself and Know that you did everything you could to help him..... You are not alone we are right here with you and don't give up on yourself or him... God always has a plan for us and a lot of times its not what we want...Just take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and when he is ready we will all be there for him..... Take care my thoughts and prayers are with you ...Di
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Unread 10-06-2010, 08:17 PM   #48
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All of you guys are awesome. I am no longer trying to help the situation. I want him to move out. I still feel very sorry for his daughter uprooted again because of his addiction + I will no longer be able to back her up/protect her from his irrational moods.
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Unread 10-08-2010, 06:49 AM   #49
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Hi sleepless, I'm glad you want him out. Yes, it is sad for his daughter, but just remember that you've given him so many chances, so much of yourself to him and nothing has changed. This is the best thing that you can do for all concerned.

Stay strong. You are worth it.

Nancy
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Unread 10-13-2010, 08:45 PM   #50
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Lots of things are turning up missing. My mom's diamond earrings, my grandmothers garnet bracelet. I plan on looking at pawn shops but am afraid to involve the police at this point. He said he's moving out next week. Any suggestions?
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