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Unread 11-22-2014, 06:27 PM   #1
cosmicmessenger
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Smile New to the forum...

Hi all, hope you're all staying strong during what may seem to be insurmountable obstacles!

I've been dealing with a spouse who has been in and out of rehab 5+ times (I'm losing count LOL) in 9 years and she has recently resorted to using crack cocaine again over the past couple of months.

She is also an alcoholic and other substances abuser.
I am trying to convince her to start over with the 90-90 program at AA.

We have been to years of counselling (together and individually) and I came this close to dissolving the relationship with her permanently last week.
Had it not been for children being involved, I would have left her long ago.

Meanwhile, I was searching online for a support group and found this site.
I merely need a place to read and vent a little for now but will share my stories with you all with the hope that it helps even one person.

Bye for now and stay positive and strong as you possibly can!
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Unread 11-23-2014, 11:33 AM   #2
cosmicmessenger
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Default Every day is a fresh start at life, even when living with an addict

Tough as it may seem to live with an addict, I've found it easier to cope (at times) by accepting the fact that i can only offer suggestions for my spouse to kick the habits.

In the end, the choice is hers.
I've had too many sleepless nights worrying where she was when she wasn't picking up my calls.

I've had too many stressful days of yelling and screaming matches with her when she's crashing from her high.

I've recently had heart surgery and realize now more than ever that my time may come at any moment so I'm going to focus mre on the positives in y life rather than worry sick about something that's out of my control.

I am here for her and will continue to support her until the end; I can ny pray she will realize (again) how much her addiction is causing our entire family pain and suffering.

BBL, thanks for letting me vent.
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Unread 11-23-2014, 07:15 PM   #3
maxxx
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Default Every day is a fresh start at life, even when living with an addict

Hey Cos,
We addicts in our active addiction turn into monsters. Selfish and selfcentered.
Hurting ourselves, but worse hurt those who love us the most.
Its not till I ,Me, saw the light. A bottom i wouldnt wish on anyone.
In the end the one person who cared at all about me gave up and
booted me. Made me feel it. Alone and scared i found recovery
and made the changes and did the work. My Wife, now my X wife
pushed me hard. This is what it took for me. She had done enough
fighting too.
That was 4 years ago, and glad to say she let me back into our lives
again...

Maybe a little push from you can raise your spouses bottom..maybe....




Max
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Unread 11-25-2014, 06:28 AM   #4
cosmicmessenger
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Thanks for the feedback, Maxxx!
Truly appreciated!

Indeed, many have told me over the years that "tough love" is the way to wake her up.
They told me I was too compassionate and hence stressing my self out.

Perhaps they were right, but...I know there is a great person behind that addiction and when she's sober, she makes my day one of pure joy (ok, perhaps that's stretching it a bit LOL, but I'm sure you know what I mean); when she's drunk, high or crashing, it's "Mr. Hyde" I'm dealing with and I don't want to be within 100 miles of her and tell her as such, over and over again.

It's tough when there are young kids involved and you're all living under the same roof.
The reason I am posting here is because I'm at my wit's end, reference my only other post on this forum so far:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=29750

Quote:
I've been dealing with a spouse who has been in and out of rehab 5+ times (I'm losing count LOL) in 9 years and she has recently resorted to using crack cocaine again over the past couple of months.

She is also an alcoholic and other substances abuser.
I am trying to convince her to start over with the 90-90 program at AA.

We have been to years of counselling (together and individually) and I came this close to dissolving the relationship with her permanently last week.
Had it not been for children being involved, I would have left her long ago.
We agreed after her last session of rehab (2012) that if she fell off the wagon again, it's splitsville time.
She has been dipping into the booze a little but as soon as I saw her high on crack, that sent me over the edge.

I'm keeping close tabs on her and have to be prepared to move forward in my life; with or without her.
Pity the kids but in the long run, they'd be better off, I think (?) not having to listen to lies and screaming episodes.

Thanks again, everyone here is starting to wake (it's 6:30am), time to start a new day...

P.S. time for a new computer, seems the keyboard is getting mucked up on this laptop, just re-read my previous post in this thread and there's a lot of characters missing LOL).

Last edited by cosmicmessenger; 11-25-2014 at 06:32 AM..
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Unread 11-25-2014, 06:42 AM   #5
NancyB
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Hi cosmicmessenger, in my opinion, I think you hit on one of the bigger issues in deciding whether or not to split. "Pity the kids but in the long run, they'd be better off, I think (?) not having to listen to lies and screaming episodes."

She potentially is a danger to the kids while she is impaired by either alcohol or crack or both. Protecting your kids from that is not tough love, it's preservation of your family. Again, my opinion from reading what you've written.

Have you done the setting of the boundaries with her - using consequences that you need to be able to enforce.

Maybe you can leave this letter with some words from you for her to read when she isn't under the influence. It's quite powerful.

http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=26236

In the meantime, take good care of yourself and your kids. Keep posting.

Nancy
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Unread 02-06-2015, 06:50 AM   #6
cosmicmessenger
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Thank you Nancy.

I am printing the letter in the link above and will give it to my spouse, who is coming down right now off a crack smoking session...again.

I had to leave work early last night as the babysitter called me because my spouse had not come home when she said she would.
She was supposed to be going to AA and was not answering her phone which is a signal to me that she was out smoking crack.

Of course, she is playing the "I will never associate with those people or do that again" game right now for the umpteenth million time.
I've had it; my cardiologist just told me yesterday at my checkup to stay away from stressful situations as much as possible (I had open heart surgery June of 2014) since it is not good for the heart.
Well, my heart has been broken so many times in the past 10+ years that I have decided to move on with my life (for the umpteenth trillion time), without her.

Every one has a breaking point and I have reached mine.
I give her everything I have; apparently, that's not enough and something is still missing inside of her.
I don't know what that is and I'm tired of trying to figure it out; that's something she'll have to do without me.

Thanks for listening.

P.S. yes, Nancy, the boundaries have been set for years.
Now it's time for a new boundary, a fence around myself and the kids with a gate that will only open when she is clean and sober for more than a few days.

Last edited by cosmicmessenger; 02-06-2015 at 06:55 AM..
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Unread 02-07-2015, 06:29 AM   #7
NancyB
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Hi cosmicmessenger, I think your new boundaries are necessary at this point. You've done all that you can - and more, had your heart broken more times than necessary but you need to take care of your health to be able to take care of your kids and keep them safe from her under the influence.

As you know, she's the one who has to decide enough is enough. Maybe this will be the turning point for her to stop for good. If it's not and she uses it as an excuse to continue smoking crack, just remember that is NOT your fault and do not feel one bit guilty, ok?

Please let us know how you're doing.

Nancy
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Unread 04-27-2015, 06:46 AM   #8
cosmicmessenger
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i am not doing too well.
i had to leave work because she was hammered on vodka at 7pm.
i was on the afternoon shift so was calling home at "lunch time".
she was driving with the kids.
i was home as she came pulling up in the driveway.
i stayed until the kids were asleep then returned to work.
i have not been back to work since, that was two weeks ago tomorrow.
i am getting fed up with myself for not having the balls to leave her.
she has started working (first time in 7 years) so maybe that will get her off the booze.
she immediately started having smokes with the other workers and tells me they all smoke pot or deal crack, so imagine how good i feel about that!
LOL, NOT!
she has a hair test coming up next week as mandated by children's aid society.
i am seeking al-anon meetings in my area.
thanks for letting me vent.
P.S. i believe she has been crack and pot-free for a couple of months so that is somewhat of a good sign, i guess.
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Unread 04-28-2015, 07:17 AM   #9
NancyB
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Hi cosmicmessenger, besides getting tested by children's aid society, does she have to do counseling or is she in therapy? It's good that she is working, not so good about her co-workers. I'm glad you're looking for an alanon meeting.

Does it make it any easier for you to think about leaving now that she is working? Just remember, you need to put yourself and the kids first. They need to be safe, you need to know they are safe and not riding with her when she is drinking. I know you know all of that. I'm hoping that by talking with some people at an alanon meeting in person, you will have more support and can talk about what's going on with people who have been or are in your shoes.

Please take care of you and the kids. Please keep us posted when you can.

Nancy
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