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Unread 12-19-2005, 04:22 PM   #101
Phoenix
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Gwen:
I swear it's a friggen conspiracy. The doctors office just called, he's leaving early today, they want to see if Tony can get there at 4, if not his appointment may not be until Wednesday or Thursday. Now keep in mind that he took Tuesday and Wednesday, or Wednesday and Thursday off of work. This was just an initial consultation, not even the induction. Tony is working out in Palatine and may not be able to make the 4pm appointment, and I for sure can't make it because I have to pick my baby up from daycare. The doctor is not far away, it's actually on my way home from work. Tony is calling to see if he can do the initial consultation and induction all on the same day. He's going to call after he hits the bank to deposit the check from this job I've been telling you about. Keep your fingers crossed, it seems nothing on this road to Tony's recovery goes right, what's up with that? Even he got upset because it's everytime he gets his head straight and prepared, something negative happens. He's making an effort to clear his days in case he needs recoup time, and now his first appointment may not be until Thursday, I tell ya, at this point we should just do the damned induction ourselves!!! He should ask the doctor about that.
Judy
I'll keep you posted.

Just for the record, the Doctor called my house, Roxanne called me, I called the Doctor then called Tony. He had nothing to do with it!! Just wanted to make that clear.
J
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Unread 12-19-2005, 04:47 PM   #102
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It does seem as if the powers that be are testing tonys determination HUM???
and it seems as if he is determined and w/your support he cant go wronge
HANG ON TONY,These are all signs that it is meant to be "it has to be hard or it wont work"
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Unread 12-19-2005, 04:55 PM   #103
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I'm telling you, I'm feeling that way. Anyway, he left me a voicemail telling me Wednesday at 9. I'm not sure if it's just the consultation or both that day. I'm calling him in about 10 minutes during my lunch break. I'll keep y'all posted.

J
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Unread 12-19-2005, 11:00 PM   #104
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hey judy, any word on what will happen wednesday? love ya, gwen
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Unread 12-19-2005, 11:19 PM   #105
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not sure. I imagine the doctor is going to get his history, yada, yada, decide if he's a good candidate, blah, blah. Then either set up the induction or not. I have another appointment set up for Thursday at 4 with Dr. Doot in case this one goes wrong. I'm hopeful, there is no reason why Tony shouldn't get this done at the Dr. near us, but if for some reason that doctor won't treat him, Dr. Doot, I'm sure, will. Just a wait and see game, again.
J

Oh, when I talked to Tony he said the doctor doesn't do the intake and induction on the same day, he wants to talk to Tony.
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Unread 12-20-2005, 11:45 AM   #106
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judy, well at least tony can see what it's all about this time and make sure it's not a 'take 2mgs go home and suffer through it' again. how you doing? got your shopping done? love ya, gwen
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Unread 12-20-2005, 01:05 PM   #107
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Absolutely right. I am making a list of questions that Tony needs to ask the doctor tomorrow to ensure, if he indeed agrees to treatment, that he doesn't go through the nightmare of last time. Also, with him having a 9am appt for intake, he can find out if the doctor does the induction on Thursday. That way he'll have more "clean" time than last time. Last time he was drug free for 15 hours, if he has a 9am appt and the doctor tells him to be at the office at 9am on Thursday, he'll have 24. By then he should be nice and sick (sounds crazy to say that). I'm just taking "one day at a time" and hoping for the best. He did tell the nurse that he would like this done before Christmas so I don't imagine there will be a problem. Just hanging in a staying positive.
Judy
No, I don't have my shopping done, I have three presents purchased that I ordered online, I have my kids, Tony's parents, our nieces and nephews yet to buy for. Luckily, they're all getting gift certs. I'm not worried, Tony wants to go on Christmas Eve and do the shopping, I'm kind of hoping to get it done before that. LOL
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Unread 12-20-2005, 06:03 PM   #108
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sounds like a good plan for tony. yes, nice and sick. LOL i know it does sound crazy when you want someone you love to be nice and sick.

ah so you'll be out christmas eve with the rest of us crazies getting everything done! no matter how early i say i want to get done, it never does get done 'til the night before christmas! staying positive right here with you judy! -
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Unread 12-20-2005, 07:14 PM   #109
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I'm telling ya, last minute lucy here. There was one Christmas when I was 7 months pregnant with my first daughter, I went out shopping the day after Christmas. I bought all of my presents for the following year in one day. Had them wrapped and in the closet three days later. The next year, they had an inch of dust by thanksgiving. Damn, never saw that success again. LOL I guess when money is tight and stress is high, Christmas shopping is the last thing on my mind.
My Christmas miracle won't have anything to do with getting shopping done.

J
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Unread 12-21-2005, 12:35 PM   #110
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that is hysterical. all bought and wrapped after christmas. knowing me, i'd forget what i did with them! i'm always putting stuff 'in a safe place so i'll know where it is'. well, those places always end up being safe even from me!!
you will let me know when you hear from tony? thanks love. gwen.
by the way, nice 'poetry'. thanks for sharing.
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Unread 12-21-2005, 01:15 PM   #111
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Tony will be well prepared today. I have a list of questions for him to ask the doctor, put together a packet of information and case examples for him to discuss with the doctor. I was going to have him record the meeting, but I couldn't get the mini tape player to work, so I told him to dial my cell when he started his meeting and that way it can record on my voicemail. The first question was How do you determine level of withdrawl upon my induction visit? (COWS or other method, then I enclosed a copy of the COW scale), Second, If I do not meet the withdrawl requirements for you, how do you proceed, am I monitored by a nurse or doctor until I meet the required standard of W/D? Third, What is your EXACT method of induction? I also wrote the all important, DO YOU CONSIDER MY INPUT IN MY TREATMENT? For example, if I am not feeling what you say I should be feeling, do you take that into consideration for dosing? I had a total of 8 questions written for him which I feel he considers vital to his success. He also has the "Pathway" page from this site so he can see if the doctor matches that timeline. He also has a few examples of induction and treatment (Jakes) and a note from Dr. Will as to how the induction process USUALLY goes. He can use that as a comparison to what this doctor says.

I think the doctor will be impressed at his wealth of knowledge, I had to cut the packet down for Tony because I have, easily, 100+ pages of information. If Tony were to try to muddle through that much information sitting at the visit, the Dr. might think he's insane as well as an addict. LOL

As for the "poetry," I found a bunch of old "ramblings" and I thought I'd share them with you guys. I think they were mostly from 1992, let's see I was 24 at the time, gosh, that was 13 years ago!!! My reflections are kind of old. LOL If you enjoyed them, I'm glad, if not, that's cool too. They were written for more private audiences (like myself). LOL

Judy
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Unread 12-21-2005, 04:01 PM   #112
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Hi all:

Tony just called. He likes the doctor. He answered all of the questions that Tony had and he seems to be on the same page as this site. The doctor told him he was going to start him on Suboxone immediately, not Subutex. He also told Tony that he would leave that office feeling good (well adequate anyway, good is a relative term). He can't do the induction tomorrow because his day is full, but he told Tony to call back later to see if he can make an opening for Friday. I didn't want to take that day off of work because I have a Christmas party for my students, tomorrow would be better for me, but this isn't about me and if I have to take a day off Friday, I will. Tony said that he told the doctor that the induction before Christmas is really important to me, so we'll see. If not, it will be Monday morning.

I'm hopeful but still concerned about the circumstances that come with having to wait. You know them, I'm not gonna say them. Jinxes you know.
Judy
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Unread 12-21-2005, 05:23 PM   #113
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hey judy! wow. a doctor who's listening to him. that's great. and it sounds like a real induction- not take a couple of these and go home. good news. well, maybe it will be later friday and you can go to work for a little while for the kids. keep me posted. love ya. gwen
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Unread 12-21-2005, 05:43 PM   #114
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Tony already told me it would be in the morning. Hey, I have priorities. I told Tony (just a few minutes ago) to let me know for sure before 2:30 so I can tell my students. I don't want them to be surprised. I will set up the pizza party and the secret santa for them with a sub. I don't think in the 11 years I've been teaching that I missed a Christmas Party Day. Tomorrow is the staff party so at least I won't miss that. Luckily my mom came over last night for the Holiday so she'll be home to watch the girls. No matter what day the induction is, I'M THERE. Still didn't get my shopping done, I'm going today no matter what. Tony actually got home pretty early last night and then he didn't feel like going. DORK KING PROCRASTINATOR!!!! That's my guy. With or without him, today I go shopping!!! LOL
Judy
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Unread 12-21-2005, 06:38 PM   #115
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oh, ok. in the am. cool. wow 11 years and not one missed party. you good teacher you. taking care of your kiddies. no wonder you have so much patience. working with kids for so long! you are a saint! i don't have that patience any more... well, shopping, have fun! like i said earlier, we'll be out christmas eve. kurt can match tony in the procrastination area on that one! i did what i needed to get done. kurt just likes me to go because he has more fun when i'm there, so he says. ...
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Unread 12-21-2005, 07:15 PM   #116
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A Saint, HA, HA, hardly. I love what I do. I want the kids to have a nice parting activity before the Christmas and New Year Holiday. Some people in the world only have this time to be happy, other's it depresses the hell out of, either way, I want my students to go with innocence and hope until they see me again in January. I'm actually looking forward to going shopping, getting the baby a trike and maybe my older a computer (if I can swing the money). I'm so looking forward to a nice holiday and an even better New Year.
Judy
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Unread 12-22-2005, 12:01 AM   #117
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Gwen and all interested:

When I checked messages after work, Tony's docs office called and the doc wants to see him Friday at 10AM. The person who called (a nurse I presume) left the message, "The Doctor wants to see Tony on Friday at 10AM because he left today before they could finish what they started and Dr. Chen wants to finish what they started." When I heard that I freaked, thinking Tony left before the doctor was done with him today, but I talked to Tony and he said the Doc was done with him (initial visit) and he paid and everything. I called the Docs office and found out that because he's a new patient the Doc usually spends more time than the average visit with new patients. I asked her to check his appointment this AM and find out how long they had him blocked in for, she said 30 minutes. She then said, that's weird, his first visit was only 30 and now he's blocked for an hour, I told her it made perfect sense if he was going to start treatment. The woman I spoke to was just the front desk, the nurse left at 5 today, I told her it was probably that they didn't want to leave a detailed message on a voicemail due to confidentiality. She put me through to the nurses voicemail and I confirmed that he would be there at 10 on Friday. Tony is going to call tomorrow to confirm that he is going to be treated on Friday, WHOO HOO!

Hope you understand all I wrote, typing kind of fast and don't really know if what I'm writing is as cohesive as I'm thinking it. In any case, I guess they had a cancellation and he's IN!!!!

We'll know more tomorrow for sure, but I'm thinking if they booked him for only 30 mins today (1st visit) and 60 minutes on Friday, that it's for treatment. But then again, I have some wishful thinking going on right now and I could be wrong.
Judy
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Unread 12-22-2005, 12:14 AM   #118
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wee hoooo! it sure does sound like an induction time to me. when i started reading your message, i was thinking, ah, the illusive non-committal sound of a doctor's office message. enough for whoever needs to know what it is to know. and before christmas. whaddya know! that is just wonderful! hey, did you do any shopping? hugs to both of you! gwen
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Unread 12-22-2005, 01:06 AM   #119
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No, didn't go effing shopping!! I wanted to go yesterday, Tony was home early and my mom came over for the holiday, but he didn't feel like it. He said he's be home early today, I told him he wouldn't because he was working, he argued with me that he would be. Well, here I am 8pm and he isn't home yet. I am aggravated!!!
I have work tomorrow so when he keeps saying the stores are open late, too bad I have to get up at 5:30 and can't stay up late. Work party tomorrow from 4:15 to 6:15, you know they always go longer, and Friday is his induction at 10AM. What the F@#K. Oh I'm so aggravated. King Procrastinator strikes again!!!!! I have to go tonight too because I need gifts for the girls at work and I won't be at work on Friday, our last day for two weeks, Christmas break. Dammit.
Judy
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Unread 12-22-2005, 01:29 AM   #120
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yikes. you have to go out now? i hate that. going out late in the cold. your mom celebrated christmas early? or some other holiday. sorry for being stooopid. well, i hope you get it done. you're right, parties always run late. and you need the stuff beforehand any ways. good luck!!
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Unread 12-22-2005, 03:53 AM   #121
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I went out and got some shopping done. Still have my girls to do, I'll go tomorrow night since I know I won't be working on Friday, at least as far as I know. Won't really count on that until Tony calls the Doc tomorrow. My mom came over Tuesday and she's staying over until Saturday. We will celebrate Christmas early because she doesn't want to go to Tony's mom's this year. Every year we go to Tony's mom's house like around 11am, we stay until around 9:30pm and then go to his aunt's or uncles for the nightly gathering. It's too long of a day for my mom, she's bowing out this year so we're hanging out early for the kids.
Judy
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Unread 12-22-2005, 02:47 PM   #122
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well, at least you got some of it done. hey, it's only thursday! holy toledo, that's one long christmas day. yikes. but it's your mom is there now. any word from tony and the appointment tomorrow? gwen
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Unread 12-22-2005, 06:03 PM   #123
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He called the doctor and left me this long winded message on my machine and I'm still not sure. Apparently he did leave before the doc was done with him, he explained that they gave him the paperwork and sent him to pay and he thought he was done. He asked if the induction was tomorrow, the receptionist couldn't answer, she doesn't know.

To be honest Gwen, I'm not sure I believe everything Tony says. He's afraid. I asked him how he was doing and he said he's nervous and scared cuz it's so close to Christmas. He doesn't want to be out of it on Christmas, you know, not wanting to put toys together, play with the kids, etc. etc. I told him that he better be sure he wants to get clean because if he has a bad vibe or attitude, it's not going to go well. He said he is ready and he wants me to be happy and if he has to be miserable at Christmas for me to have a good one, then he'll do it. I think that was him trying to guilt me into saying, oh honey, do it after Christmas. I won't do that. Don't get me wrong, I do believe he wants to get clean, I just think he would like to stall for more time because he's afraid of the unknown. The doctor told him he would leave there feeling okay, but he did also tell him that he's had cases where it took a couple of days to feel really good. I think he's just plain old scared.

Here is where Spanky's wife and I (it is Spanky right, that we're talking to about his wife) have a lot in common. Trust has been damaged and it's not going to come back overnight. Tony could be completely honest and I am skeptical because of his history. I have a break in 25 minutes, I'm going to call Tony back and see what's up.

I told him this morning that he better be really sure that he wants this as much as I do, because if he doesn't it's a waste of our time. He says he does, I guess I have to start believing somewhere.

I know deep in my heart that it's a scary thought. Finally, no excuses to follow a losers path. If he screws up, they're his screw ups, no drugs to blame. I understand it, I want to help him through it, but I won't do it with smack. I've been through too much with that over the past 5 years. Today is the five year anniversary of our first kiss. Wish it to be like it was that day. He was clean. Really, really clean. LOL
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Unread 12-22-2005, 07:24 PM   #124
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hey judy, let me know what the deal is. i don't blame you for not believing him. it's hard after having been promised the world over and over again and left hanging. (as an aside, the difference between you and spanky's wife is that she was like that prior to his using, from what i know.) it's going to be tough for tony because that's pretty much all he knows since he was 12 or 13 you said? but he has to start somewhere. before your patience runs out. because you're going to need some for him when he's going through the whole 'life without drugs' process. he just has to do it. or not do it. he can't keep coming up with excuses. i think getting clean is much more important than MAYBE not feeling that great on one christmas. this will be his start on being around on many more christmases to come. not dead from an overdose, or caught in some deal gone bad. i don't mean to be harsh, but that's the reality of scoring H.

the doctor has to tell him of bad cases. the whole malpractice and reality check. nothing works the same on everybody. but for him, this is his only option. going away to rehab is out of the question for you guys. and there's no way in hell either one of you want him back in prison.

i hoped this helped. i just don't like the passive-aggressive attempt at throwing it back at you with the wanting you to be happy at christmas. now i'm getting mad at him. with love, gwen
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Unread 12-22-2005, 07:35 PM   #125
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Hi Gwen:

I'm having a moment here. I called the Doctors office on my break, the nurse told me that Tony should have someone with him. I said, so he's going to be treated. She said "he should have someone with him." I called Tony and he said, "How does she know, the doctor isn't going to be in until 3." I told him I didn't know and that he should call her and find out. He called me back and left a message that it isn't going to be tomorrow and that the doctor needs more time with him (for what reason I don't know) and that his first visit wasn't long enough, blah, blah, blah. He said his induction is set for Monday.

I don't believe him. I'm going to call the Doctor myself and get the story straight from him. He won't have to tell me anything about Tony but I want to know why he needed one hour and 25 minutes yesterday and now he needs another hour tomorrow? I just don't believe him and it makes me so sad inside. I have my work party at 4:15 and I just don't feel good right now. I honestly think Tony is stalling this until Monday. I'm not sure why, but I just have that sick feeling in my stomach. Until I talk to Dr. Chen, you just don't know, or at least I don't know. I'M NOT SAYING HE IS LYING, I'M SAYING I DON'T BELIEVE HIM.

Judy
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Unread 12-22-2005, 07:41 PM   #126
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judy, i don't believe him either. they wouldn't ask to have someone with him for frickin' paperwork. it is sad. sending a big hug. gwen
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Unread 12-22-2005, 07:59 PM   #127
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Judy,
He's got the best opportunity he will ever have and he is still making excuses. I don't think he really wants to stop no matter what he says, actions speak louder. Next week it will be something else, like before. I knew a guy that came in for treatment and quit because he said he didn't like the taste of the Suboxone. Imagine, life saving medicine, but not worth it tasting bad for a few minutes (he's in jail now, btw) Tony doesn't believe he is making a life or death decision, if he chooses not to get treated, which it looks like he is, he's choosing death (statistically speaking) I think it is time for an ultimatum, not to get him to treatment but so you aren't wasting your time trying to help him. If he won't even try how can he quit? I quit many times before I found Sub and toughed through it cold turkey, it sucks but if you want to quit you can, for a while at least. He needs to be a man and decide if he wants to live. If he chooses to live he must get help soon, it must become a priority. My guess is he will never quit, ever. (my opinion, don't know him, what I think doesn't matter, had to vent)
Jake
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Unread 12-23-2005, 12:39 AM   #128
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I'm really sorry to say this, BUT I'm not surprised that there is another excuse.
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Unread 12-23-2005, 01:31 PM   #129
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Jake,
Glad to see you're still with me. I agree with all of you about everything you've said. I can't even go into this anymore. I'm completely defeated. I feel as though I'm BI FRIGGEN POLAR. I've had so many ups and down in the past month that I can't even see straight. I get excited about finding this treatment, can't get an appointment, get an appointment, Tony can't do it, work, he gets another appointment, goes horribly wrong, gets a new doctor, likes him tons, no appointment for induction, has a Friday 10AM appointment, "it's not induction", Monday morning appointment, lets see what my next disappointment will be.
Now I'm hearing, it's only 2 more days, son of a bleep, Monday morning, yada, yada, yada. At least I'm on vacation starting after school today and I won't have to give up my precious sick days to be jerked around. My Christmas will blow because of him, but at least he'll feel good, I'm sorry, I just can't even write how I'm feeling thoroughly or quickly enough to share. I have such anger and resentment right now. Look, Christmas is Sunday, his appointment is Monday. If this doesn't happen on Monday, I promise you, you will be reading different posts. Not that I have to promise you anything, but I have to promise myself. I'M WORTH MORE THAN THIS DAMMIT. I don't deserve to be sitting here at my computer tearing up because I'm so damned miserable because I love someone who only loves himself (how am I supposed to believe that he loves me with all of his heart, I'm his soul-mate, he loves me with every ounce of his being when he can't do this for the greater good?). You know, yesterday he kept telling me that I don't give a s*** what he feels as long as he's drug free, he could possibly be sick for Christmas and I don't care. What a selfish, self-centered asshole. I don't think it's too much to ask for me and my girls to have a friggen holiday where the man in our life isn't putting a friggen needle in his arm to get thru the damn day.

You know, it's funny, I just talked to him and reminded him he had to take our girl to daycare today so she can give her teachers their presents, he's like "can't that wait, I wanted to get out of here early" so I ask him where the hell are you going, your Dr. appointment isn't until 10. He says, that was cancelled, the doctor said we'll do it all on Monday. Isn't that convenient. The booked him for an hour (his second visit, the first was booked for 30 mins) so they could complete the first visit stuff (yeah right) today but all of that can be put aside for Monday and it can all be done at once. Isn't that just so convenient for him.

Sorry, just venting.

Gwen:
as for the paperwork, they didn't ask him for any, at the conclusion of the dr. visit (or so he thought it was) they gave him the exit paperwork to go pay, that's what I meant by that. They didn't ask him for s*** except $144.

It doesn't really matter, I think he's a liar and I truly believe today would have been the induction and he changed it to Monday so he could HAVE CHRISTMAS, or whatever he needs to have. He told me I can ask the doctor on Monday for proof, I FIRMLY INTEND TO.

I told him last night that he better be true to himself and decide if being clean is what he really wants because I can't take the ups and downs anymore. I swear, it would be easier if he just told me, I would rather be a junkie and I think we should go our seperate ways. At least I could grieve and move on. This keeps me in a constant state of hope and then disappointment. It's not good for my spirit or my health.

Love to y'all,
Judy
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Unread 12-23-2005, 02:00 PM   #130
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judy, you're right. he's self-centered and loves his drug of choice more than anything right now. and he's probably having extreme anxiety about how to go about changing his life to be without it. i'm sure we all did. i was scared s***less the day i went in. but i did it. because i looked at my family and myself and KNEW I COULDN'T LIVE LIKE THAT ANY MORE! it wasn't living. it was a mere existence. either he wants it, or sadly, he doesn't. and as i said way earlier, i'm more worried especially now about what it's doing to you. we can't go on saying one more day, two more days. then just to be crushed by disappointment again. i'm afraid he isn't seeing it as a life or death decision. who gives a s*** if HE doesn't feel quite right on christmas. a FAMILY day! that's 2 whole days away. 2 whole days he wouldn't have had to take off work. 2 whole days to get started. he doesn't give a s*** what YOU think. it's not about you. it's about you trying to save him from his own worst enemy. i think that deserves respect from him. not this passive-aggressive bullcrap he's dishing out to you. my god, it's a DISEASE! how would he feel if you decided that you didn't want your weekly injection because you were afraid you'd be sick on christmas?? you are doing what is medically possible for you to live a good life with your illness. but he refuses to do the same. judy, you deserve better. he may be your soulmate. but right now he's killing your spirit. i mean this with all my love, gwen
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Unread 12-23-2005, 02:11 PM   #131
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Judy,
I noticed you didn't reply to me and I surely understand why. I know you didn't need to hear what I said but like you I was venting! I have been following your story and honestly it didn't surprise me. Most likely deep, deep down you probably weren't surprised either. When you said sometimes you wish he'd just tell you he doesn't want to get clean, etc. would be easier on you, your right. At least that way you'd know where you stand and what you have to do. I honestly feel for you, especially with the holidays upon us. I hope you can find some kind of peace and happiness. Just remember you have two little kids that need you and try not to let this whole mess ruin Christmas for you or them. Whatever you do, don't rush this holiday just to see what Monday brings. Wishing you and yours a Very Merry Christmas and a Healthy, Happy New Year.
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Unread 12-23-2005, 02:27 PM   #132
purple
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Phenoex
Tony will eventually find his bottom where he has had enough and cant take it anymore and from my own expierence No one new when i finally did take action Although i wanted to stop and verbally said i did for a long lomng time.I just coulndt cope with the illness I was dope sick more then i was straight the last 2 years of my addiction,I pray for tony and i have you in my thought.He will have the light bulb go off and the strengh to stop some day
I now it wont be easy[Your passion for helping him is very powerfull]Judy you cant SAVE him let it go,get on w/your life and hopefully he will be ready to get help before something bad happens to him
I just was to tired to go get any more dope,I was mentally and spiretually empty,and finnally did take action
He has all the knoledge, tIME to let go,for your own sanity
Solong
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Unread 12-23-2005, 03:41 PM   #133
Phoenix
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Hey Dodo,
I was responding to what you said, Jake said, Gwen said, I agree with it all. It's funny because he is so complacent. He has this attitude that it's only 2 more days and "I know he's going on Monday." I told him, I DON'T KNOW THAT. I knew he had an appointment at 10AM today, I knew that I wanted this to be done for the holiday, I DON'T KNOW s***. I told him straight out that I don't believe him when he says he had nothing to do with the appointment for induction not being today. I told him straight out that I believe they had him set up for induction today and he called and told them that Monday would be better. He says, "that's fine, ask the doctor yourself." He knows I will and I fully intend to. Not that it means a damn thing but at least I'll know if he was being honest or lying.
You see, he firmly believes he is going on Monday so it's no biggee that it wasn't today and Wow, he'll have a nice Christmas. He has even gone as far as saying that he's glad it's not today because if there was even a 10% chance that he could feel bad it would ruin his Christmas. Well, wouldn't that be a bitch.

You guys are right here with me (in spirit and theory), I'm at the end of my rope. You know Gwen, he actually brought up my medication. He even said to me, you know we're not going to do your meds on Saturday night in case you have a bad reaction. I said, "You're right, I'm doing it Friday." Tony and I could talk until I'm blue in the face, and the bottom line (like I told him this morning) is that nothing has changed. Yeah, we found a good doctor that you like AND??? Nothing is different from over a month ago (or however long it's been) since I found out he's back on smack. He keeps bringing up the fact that he turned himself in to jail to get clean, he went to Dr. Quack to get clean, it's obvious he wants it. I guess he just doesn't want it as bad as I do, or at least that is how it appears to all of us????
We could all be wrong, we don't know what's in his head, but the truth is that from the actions that we have witnessed (aside from Dr. Shrew day) not one friggen thing has changed.

I'm venting a lot, writing thoughts as they come into my head but here is what I really know. I know he's a liar. I know that I don't believe him. I know that he's on smack. I know he will continue to be until Monday. I know he says in his heart he wants this more than anything but not more than a "good" Christmas. I know that my wants and needs are my own and may seem selfish to him. I know that I'm absolutely a wreck emotionally. I'm never happy (I was yesterday at my work party thanks to the Margarita's and the people). I know that I am angry and resentful as hell. I also know that I'm not sure how I am going to react to him if he actually does get induced and starts Sub on Monday. I'm so angry and hurt and resentful, does that all just shut off? I discussed that with him today. Well, he thinks that I'm mad at the situation and when that is gone I'll be happy again. I hope that's how it works. It would almost seem crazy and hypocritical to be that easy??? I hope it does happen, I hope the anger and resentment fade with his need for smack on Monday. I want this to work but the pain and disappointment I feel every single second of every single day is really getting unbearable. And now, I have to live through Christmas Day knowing that my heart is broken and I'm a big fat fraud for perpetrating this lie.
J
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Unread 12-23-2005, 05:21 PM   #134
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judy, if he doesn't go on monday, you know you have a decision to make. you can't keep doing this to yourself. he is so self-involved that he can't even see what it's doing to you and is throwing it back at you and for making you feel like a bad person here. all so HE can have a good christmas shooting up in his parent's bathroom. while you're crying on the inside with an outward face that everything is just grand. don't put unrealistic expectations on yourself for all of your resentment, anger and mistrust to just melt away IF he starts on monday. i won't even say when any more. i won't give false hope any more. there is damage done. and YOU will need time to heal. and he won't see it that way. don't let him put it back on you. my god, all you wanted was a nice christmas day, not for YOU, but your FAMILY as a whole. don't feel guilt about that, please. my wish is for you and the girls to enjoy the day, enjoy your love and enjoy each other, especially the baby's innocence and wonder. with my love, gwen
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Unread 12-23-2005, 06:15 PM   #135
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You know Gwen, you are so right on. I made a decision a year ago, before he went to jail, that I was done with this. The 10+ page letters I wrote to him would tell him over and over again that I will not live like this. If he used even one more time, I was done. You know, it would have been easier if there was no other method for him to use and I would know there would be no hope. The decision is made. I just haven't been diligent in following through because there's more hope. I guess I just don't want to let go of what we have because I know it's good, WHEN IT IS GOOD. This is the last try for me. If this works and we have a healthy relationship (at least start at one), then great, if this, for whatever reason, doesn't work, Tony and I will not be a couple. It hurts too much. Kind of like Valerie Bertinelli divorcing Eddie Van Halen. After his cancer (tongue) he started smoking again, she couldn't stand by and watch the man that she loves put himself at that risk again. THAT'S WHERE I AM. I can't watch him destroy his life and take me and my girls down in the wake. I love him, love him more than anything else I've ever known, but in that love, I can't let it destroy me or what I believe in.

You know, I sit here typing in my Santa hat, while my students enjoy the holiday and party, and I want to scream and really really want a cigarette.

In spite of Tony, I am going to have a rockin' Christmas because it's Lexi's first that she'll really get the drift and I am not going to let him ruin that for me. I've let him ruin me for so long, lived a substandard life (emotionally) for so long, been devoid of intimacy for 6 months too long, and I'm ready. Whatever happens, I'm ready. Either to move forward with our relationship, or end it. I AM READY.
Judy
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Unread 12-23-2005, 07:43 PM   #136
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a santa hat. the kids must adore you. and i just read you're a virgo. dear god. no wonder. you're talking to another virgo what date? i'm 20th. but i'm a cancer moon. a creative, emotional, perfectionist. what a mess!!!

YOU have a rockin' christmas with that little one just seeing it really for the first time. that will be precious. don't let him ruin it for you. i know you won't! love ya, gwen
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Unread 12-23-2005, 11:35 PM   #137
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Hi Gwen:
August 30th. Tony is a Virgo also. We are both left handed too! He's Sept 9. I had such a nice time today with my students. They gave me so many presents, I had to stop at my car before I could dismiss them because I couldn't carry the gifts, the laptop, my bookbag and make it to the office to check out and then walk back through the parking lot. LOL

You know, I just spent about 5 minutes complaining that Tony isn't home yet (6:28pm) and my shopping isn't done for our kids, but I deleted it because it's such a waste of time. Everything he does aggravates me. Everyone comes first, oh here I go, nevermind.


Oh, as for him ruining my Christmas, no, I won't let him but it's really too bad I won't have any good feelings about him.

Judy

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Unread 12-24-2005, 11:26 AM   #138
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judy, glad you had a good day yesterday. a lift you needed. people do love you dearly! you are a gift in yourself. with love, gwen
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Unread 12-24-2005, 01:41 PM   #139
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Good Morning:

Got the girls shopping done last night, even with a tight budget, I managed to get my oldest a computer and the baby her trike! It was fun shopping for them. The trike is the coolest! It has a feature where you can push them while they're still getting the hang of peddling, it has a canopy and foot rest bars, as she gets used to using peddles, we can remove the push bar and foot rests. It's so cool. ToysRUs had no trikes left, we took the floor model! They didn't have the doodlebear that I wanted, the lady says, I'm all out, yesterday we had a whole end cap of them!! Boy the steam started to rise, but Tony says he will get it today. That was the one gift I wanted for her because we call her doodle bear. LOL I have three more gifts to get and some misc. stuff for my oldest, I'll hit a couple of stores today and gee on Christmas Eve I'll be finally done. LOL

As for Tony, we went out to eat after shopping, we had a heart to heart. As I've said before, I don't know what's truth and fiction, but I'm here, he is convinced he's going on Monday, so as Krissie told me, don't let this ruin my spirit until Monday when we'll see what happens. She's right, as you were, if it happens awesome, if not I know what I have to do.
J
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Unread 12-25-2005, 11:31 AM   #140
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judy, you have a wonderful day! bigs hugs to you and especially your little angels! love gwen
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Unread 12-26-2005, 04:18 AM   #141
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Gwen,
Christmas was great. The girls were in heaven. I had a pretty good day, typical personal issues, but it didn't overshadow the day. I'll keep you posted tomorrow as to how the appt. goes, if at all.
Judy
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Unread 12-26-2005, 04:37 AM   #142
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Going to sleep thinking of you. Good luck and God bless.

Robert


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Unread 12-26-2005, 02:22 PM   #143
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Judy,
Hello, my name is Dawn,31. i've been on Bup for 58 days now! i'm so grateful for this medicine. i'm keeping you and your family in my prayers today. Once he gets on the buprenorphine he will be his old self again.
take care,
dawn
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Unread 12-26-2005, 04:12 PM   #144
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Judy,
Anxiously awaiting to hear from you. Hopefully you and Tony are at the doctors as I write.
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Unread 12-26-2005, 06:21 PM   #145
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It was a complete and total fraud. There never was an appointment today. Doctor isn't even in until Wednesday. He only told me it would be today so that I would be civil on Christmas. I found out when I woke him up at 7:30 that there was no appointment. I left the house and went to Krissie's. Can't talk much more about this. I appreicate all of the well wishes and I hope that all of you seeing this bulls*** lets you see what your loved ones went through. I really don't want to discuss he impending wonderful life until it happens. So as of right now, let's assume it's never going to happen, and if and when it does, you'll be the first to know and you can send me your well wishes.

It is so disappointing to believe and have all of this support only to come on here and disappoint all of you. It just adds to my burden. I love all of you, but I am so tired. It's just really, really sad.

Judy
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Unread 12-26-2005, 07:14 PM   #146
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Hey Robert, any chance you are a divorce lawyer? (HA!)
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Unread 12-26-2005, 07:16 PM   #147
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I am so sorry Judy.

Thinking of you,
Jake
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Unread 12-26-2005, 07:27 PM   #148
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Jake,
You have been one of my toughest critics and I really appreicate your input. Don't be sorry for me, I'm tough, I'll be fine.

Dodo:
If we were married, perhaps I'd need a divorce lawyer! (HA!) Unless of course you were referring to someone else, LOL.

I hail all of the posts and input, even when they aren't quite going my way. I look forward to being on this board and hearing stories. I hope to have a good one of my own someday. Just learning (duh!) not to count, or depend on anything told to me by TONY.

No, I'm not usually a slow learner, just always giving the benefit of a doubt.

Judy
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Unread 12-26-2005, 08:26 PM   #149
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You're one tough broad and certainly no idiot. Thank God for strong women! Just think where the real idiot in your life would be without you. I know you'll make the right decisions after you've considered all that has happened and what is right and what is wrong.

You have my unfettered admiration.
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Unread 12-26-2005, 10:28 PM   #150
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Oh Robert, you're too much. I gain strength by hearing stories of hope. I don't know where I'd be, or how much more of a mess I'd be without my extended family (you guys). Hey, it's all good. No matter what happens, I have you guys and Krissie to help me stand tall. I've told you a million times before, I'm not that strong. I've had so many moments of weakness, I push on because I have to for my girls. If you'd only known how many times I wanted to step out in front of a Mack truck, you'd be surprised.
I keep on keeping on, still hoping but exactly sure of what needs to be for me to be happy. Don't you worry, I will be strong when push comes to shove.
Love to all of you,
Judy
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